April's Real Blog

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Our solar system: planets, stars, darts, spitballs

Did U know that Jesse is not the only 1 of Lizzie's students who has a name? Ellen! In her navigation lesson, Lizzie had lil Ellen stand on the floor pretending 2 B Earth, rotating slowy & staring up @ the fake Polaris in the fake Little Dipper Liz & the kids have made up on their ceiling. When Liz told Ellen 2 "notice what's happening 2 the other things we put up on the ceiling", Ellen asked her, "Do I count the dart an' two spitballs?" I got the feeling Liz xpected me 2 laugh @ this story, but instead, I keep thinking, "Ew! Spitballs!" Liz also sed that this Ellen girl looks quite a lot like Jesse & that she mite just start calling all her kids Jesse 2 avoid confusion. "U! Jesse in the red & white striped shirt & rust-coloured corduroys!" I dunno, Liz, I think using their names wd B less trub than that!

So Becky sez she feels much better 2day. I can't believe my Dad went & put 4 of those GPS devices in Becky's teeth? He must B totally losing it. Y'Know, more than the usual batty Dadness. & Dunc's 'rents don't know abt his suspension 4 missing 2 much school. Dunc, I think they will end up finding out, even tho U went thru a lot of trub 2 cover up. BTW, Ger & Dunc, Becky does NOT do drugs! I'm gonna go 2 that school nurse & tell her that myself.



  • At 9:22 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Your story about your sister Elizabeth reminded me of yet another thing that happened when Kortney Krelbutz and I were in Mtigwaki being toured around by Gary Crane.

    We passed by an area where there were a group of people blowing things through wooden shafts about 2 meters long. They were standing in front of targets. I asked Gary what they were doing. He said, “We here in Mtigwaki have a number of active members of the National Sport Blowgun Association. We hand-fashion them, because we believe that hand-crafted barrels and darts, made with techniques passed down from generation to generation, work better than commercially manufactured equipment. Additionally, most of us who practice the sport use the blowgun for hunting, in addition to Field Target Style of Competition. Ellen over there is one of our best competitors in the youth division.”

    I said, “You mean that little girl over there blowing darts at the school building?” Gary started yelling, “Ellen, only shoot spitballs at buildings! No darts. They get on the ceiling and then no one can get them down, because we don’t have any step-ladders in our school. Remember what happened to the teacher before Miss Patterson, who scooted her desk around and stood on it in her socks, in a clear violation of our safety policy. It wasn’t pretty.” Ellen turned slowly and looked up at Gary as if she were the earth rotating on its axis. That’s something else I remembered, I thought I would tell you.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:38 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wuh-oh, liz, didn't u mention 2 me that u were standing up on the desk in yr socks? better b careful & get a stepladder if u need 2 b putting thingz up on the ceiling!

    btw, i meant 2 thank ardith 4 keeping gramps fr. doggie-napping dixie. mom wd have been sooooo pissed, i don't know what she wda done (mayB sell dixie 2 sum mtiglala ppl or sumthin'!). soundz like u r taking v. gd care of gramps.


  • At 10:27 AM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Hey, Apes, Im in the Mboro Public Library. I tried 2 hang @ Horny Tims but that was no good 'cos when I left the mens room aft changing out of my uniform yr mom was @ the counter 4 her morning family pack of Tim balls an' I had 2 run out the side door. But I think Im safe here 'cos I dont c y yr mom wld come in2 a library.

    I didnt say NEthing 2 NE1 abt Beckers drug use. She was the 1 who posted in yr blog that she wldnt even give her roach 2 me. But Im not talking 2 the nurse 'cos Im no snitch an' I cant go 2 school 2 talk 2 the nurse NEway. Oh, man. MayB the nurse nos my mom an' will say sumthing 2 my mom abt my suspension.

    I asked the librarian 4 a book on hermits an' she gave me island of the blue dolphins. So now Im going 2 research hermit as a career choice. L8r.

  • At 10:32 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, when i went by the nurse's office, she was talking on the phone. i heard her sayin' "that was a phenomenal assembly u gave the other day! thank u so much!" i didn't get 2 hear more cuz ger was @ the door motioning me 2 come out & talk 2 him. he was all urgent, but then it turned out he just wanted 2 have a quick kiss betw classes!


  • At 10:51 AM, Anonymous Maxine Hébert said…

    Ah, I weesh I had un petit-ami like Gerald. So tres romantic! Elizabeth should be careful, standing on desks like that. Peut-etre that dashing Otter County officer Deanna told me Mme. Patterson has been trying to marry Liz off to could catch her if she falls. Apparently there's an Otter County squad car circling l'ecole a few days each week, so he must be nearby. And if he harms Elizabeth in any way, ne t'enquite pas--Anthony will deliver one dastardly ear-tweaking! Un jour I'll be so lucky dans l'amour. For now it's back to les Montreal Personals.

  • At 11:48 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    cut it out dunc u know i don't do drugs ur just trying 2 get me in trub cuz i got mad u kissed me.

    well strangely enuff the guy mom brought home last nite wuzn't a new "uncle." it wuz a lawyer mom hired 2 represent dad on the whole escape frum jail charge. surprisingly i guess he isn't in 2 much trub 4 that either. remember i told u abt his dating service well i guess the judge an' the prosecutor an' the jailers got 2gether an' agreed they didn't want him back inside so he's going 2 a halfway house instead. which is kewl cuz that means i can c him a lot. only like 2 more weeks b4 he comes back!

    i gotta go now ger is trying 2 steal my lunch. i guess his mom packed 4 him 2day an' of course all he got wuz a piece of celery an' a tofu sam. i guess i'll let him have half my lunch just so he doessn't starve. i m all depressed abt being fat ever since jer sed i gained weight. newya, what is wrong w/ ger's mom??? ger is a growing boy she's gonna stunt him if she keeps denying him food.


  • At 11:59 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, u haven't gained w8! i think the only prob was that since u were so tired & all u were like "dead w8", which made u seem heavy. that wd happen w/ne1, even some1 way, way skinny!

    i don't know what ger's mom's prob is, but i'll start bringing in xtra food if ger needs it!


  • At 2:09 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    becks. dgmw. ur hott. but top girl singers don’t have curves. career decision 4u.

  • At 2:23 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ur rite. my latest career decision is 2 kick my lame-ass business manager/kinda sorta bf 2 the curb! adios dickhead!


  • At 3:04 PM, Anonymous Tangi Origami said…

    you go, becky! when jeremy & i dated 4 a little while last yr, he practically gave me an eating disorder! my mom threatened 2 check me in2 the hospital, i got so skinny!

  • At 4:11 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    tangelo. don’t blame me 4 ur ed. ur the 1 who asked me if u looked fat n that horizontally striped dress. i didn’t know u wud go crazee, if i sed yes.

    becks. ayfc. b fat if u want. idc. kicked 2 the curb. no prob. i alreddy live there. the gig ur “lame-ass business manager” got az a favour frum his dad 4u @ hummingbird centre 4. forget it. sayonara

  • At 4:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    so, get this. i'm @ my mom's store rite now, & she's left me alone here again. she sed that she, moira, & beatrice have an important "business outing".

    neway, my mom had a stack of mail in a shelf under the register out front, & i noticed an envelope that looked like it had a greeting card inside. & the return address on it was fr. the johnston institute for better living. i used the mini-snooping kit brenda starr gave me 2 open it w/out messing up the seal, & it had a photo of a stone cottage in a rustic setting. inside, there was a hand-written note:


    it has been such a pleasure laising with you. i am very excited about further licencing opportunities. as you know, licencing is not limited to company partnerships. i am so glad you have been finding our products useful and inspirational. i hope we can continue to establish global relationships that share the bond of the patterson family!

    best regards,

    nancy xoxoxox

    weird, eh? i've put the card back in so it totally looks like no1's messed w/it. thanx 4 the lessons, brenda!


  • At 5:04 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    jeremy u dumbass good luck finding ne1 as hot as me 2 go out with u! i wuz the best thing that ever happened 2 u. i will have a hot bf by next week an' u will b single 4evah!

    plus dunc kisses way better then u evven when he's not trying very hard. also i kissed gerald on the bus after school just as an experiment an' sure enuff, he kisses better then u 2.


  • At 5:34 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Wow. Becky kissed me. Wow.

    Afterwards, I went home and had the most amazing daydream. In it, I was a rock an' roll god, and April and Becky were my devoted groupies who would do anything for me. So I had them do some of the things I saw on those porn websites I've been looking at. (No, not the ones with Mike's stories on them.) Big Ger and the Boys did some things that I was previously unaware were physically possible.

    Now I've lost all ability to move from the chest down. I had to drag myself over to the computer to type this. I paged Dr. Schlanger and he says paraplegia is a rare side effect of excessive masturbation. I hope I can come to school tomorrow. I wouldn't want to be absent, in case there are girls who are overcome by the urge to kiss me.

    Love, Gerald

    P.S.--April my sweet, Becky kissed me, not the other way around. And I tried not to like it too much.

  • At 6:05 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Today has been really busy at the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant. I haven’t even had time to congratulate Becky on the fact her father would be out of jail in 2 more weeks. Congratulations Becky.

    The letter you saw is quite curious. I don’t know of this Nancy referenced, but it sounds like she may be the person responsible for licencing the use of the GPS units. This means, that other people may be using them aside from your mom and dad. This scheme may be more far-reaching than just Milborough. I wonder if Brenda Starr has learned anything about it.

    Your mother, Beatrice Alfarero and Moira Kinney had an early supper here and it was quite eventful. I need to tell you what happened.

    I had a hard time overhearing what your mom, Bea and Moira were talking about tonight. It was so busy that I had to resort to eating just a little bite of the radioactive vegetables that the Professor left behind from his experiments. It speeds me up just enough so that I can manage the restaurant and the cooking at the same time, but not so fast that it is obvious. At least I think it’s not obvious. Bea was looking at me very oddly the whole time, and it kind of made me nervous. I checked my teeth several times to make sure that I did not have anything caught in them.

    The conversation that I overheard (Part 1):

    Elly Patterson: Ladies. I was in my pyjamas at 4 am this morning, not having eaten or gone to the bathroom all night, and was wondering why I suddenly felt strange! Because of this strangeness, I decided to organize an authors' supper. I want you to try out the foods here, to see what we should have on the menu.

    Moira Kinney: Elly, we just did an authors’ breakfast last month. Just because you have menopause, doesn’t mean we need to do another one. Besides, we don’t have the budget to do a catered supper. Why don’t I just create my perfect roast beef dinner with the minimum of effort in my crock-pot? That will be a lot less expensive.

    Elly Patterson: No Moira. I must listen to my "muse". My “muse” says that Mira Sobinski is having a catered dinner here on Saturday, and I will not be outdone. It must be catered and it must be here. Don’t you agree, Beatrice?

    Beatrice: Yes, Mrs. Patterson. You are always correct.

    Elly Patterson: There. That’s settled then.

    The conversation that I overheard (Part 2):

    Elly Patterson: At our authors’ breakfast, I felt like a fly on the wall. I was privileged to some intense conversations between accomplished authors and I felt closer to my son than ever before.

    Moira Kinney: I don’t know what intense conversations you are talking about. What I remember was a lot of talk about distribution options, how to find a good printer, and the best way to promote your books.

    Elly Patterson: Moira. You don’t understand, but how could you. You have written, but you’re not a writer. A writer has to write - it's sustenance, a necessity, and like any other permanent "affliction" you have to learn how to live with it.

    Moira Kinney: You’re saying your son’s job is like an “affliction” and that makes you feel closer to him?

    Elly Patterson: That’s it exactly. I suspect that this “affliction” will cause Michael to leave his job at Portrait magazine in order to devote his time to writing his own material.

    Moira Kinney: So, that’s why you are always on the phone to him telling him to quit his job.

    Elly Patterson: No. No. Moira. I am merely making a suggestion. This idea will have to come to him...on his own! Don’t you agree Beatrice?

    Beatrice: Yes, Mrs. Patterson. You are always correct. I don’t feel so good.

    Moira Kinney: What’s wrong Beatrice?

    Beatrice: I don’t know. I haven’t felt right since I had that emergency dental appointment yesterday.

    The conversation that I overheard (Part 3):

    Elly Patterson: That soufflé made me go from feeling like an empty shell to being a conduit for spirits, and the spirits are telling me to use the words, “Cheesecake.”

    Moira Kinney: I think cheesecake is one word. Are you really going to try every dessert here? We left your daughter handling the store by herself.

    Elly Patterson: It will be a good learning experience for April. She is always giving me more cause for worry. She's so headstrong. Besides, if she is in the shop, then she has fewer opportunities to meet the wrong people, like the kids in her school that participate in team sports. Don’t you agree Beatrice?

    Beatrice: Yes, Mrs. Patterson. You are always correct. Ooooh! (Beatrice faints.)

    Moira Kinney: Beatrice! Beatrice!

    Elly Patterson: Beatrice! You can’t be sick; I need someone to open the store for me tomorrow.

    At this point, I saw Beatrice faint and ran over to her. From the conversation I overheard, I suspected that she was suffering from the same problem as Becky and when I looked in her mouth, I confirmed that was the case. GPS sensors all over the place. Fortunately, I remembered the combination of fruits that the Professor used at Brenda Starr's party, since I had to make several refills of his punch during that party. I gave Bea many cups of that and she seemed to recover. Elly, Beatrice and Moira have left now, but I thought I should let you know what happened, so you are aware when they come back to the shop.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 6:36 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 telling me what u heard, howard. god, my dad must b totally outta control!

    ger, don't worry. becks came by here & we had a talk. she was worried i'd b mad abt the kiss, & i gotta admit my 1st reaction was, like, "no u dih-int!" but she xplained she was feeling yuck abt the whole jeremy thing & it felt like a way 2 rebalance, like, the universe, since jeremy had kissed me @ that party. & plus she pted out that i shd b glad since she sed ger kisses really well. "don't 4get he learned a lot fr. talking 2 eulalie, so in a way, u owe me!" i kinda had 2 agree w/that. ger's kissing technique has been amazing since t-giving.

    when my mom came back w/moira & beatrice, she was all, "april r u being headstrong?" & i'm like, "no, what r u talking abt?" & she was all, "never mind", & i caught her flashing a look @ moira & beatrice & rolling her eyes. whatevs, mom.


  • At 6:44 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    becks. umbc. when u tol’ me i wuz a gud kisser u were tmglmoat. single 4evah soundz gud 2 me. i hope ur happy w/ur new bf dunderhead & geranium. if u need me, i’ll b @ the curb.

  • At 7:34 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Beckers, I dont understand u sumtimes. Last summer u said u were smoking Bhind the DQ w/ sum girl an' when I said I was going 2 look 4 the roach u said u wldnt share yr weed w/ me. Whatever.

    Time 4 Hockey Nite in Canada. Leafs v. Bruins. Go Leafs!


  • At 8:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    leafs! whoooo!


  • At 8:26 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    apeface. no liez outa thoze purple lips of dunc’s. becks haz done sum tokeage. she duzn’t wunt u2 know, cause ur a patterson. check ur blog, like dungaree sez.

    u won’t blieve where i am now. right aftah becks kicked me 2 the curb, tangi origami asked me 2c david clayton-thomas @ the opera house n toronto. she wuz totally tryin’ 2 get becks 2 drop me w/her post b4. she sez i kiss gud, but i doubt it. girlz lie bout kissin’.

    sow, did u rilly blieve becks' line that kissin' gerbil wuz just az an xperiment? & ger's kissing technique haz mproved cause of talkin’ 2 becks’ 140-yo ggg-ma eulalie. lol. geritol'z ovah @her house, like, all the time, wen he tellz u he’s 2 bizzy 2cu cause he’s slugging groceries @ megafood. c’mon apes. yyur4 this.

  • At 8:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    man, jeremy, my head hurts now. i guess i really m a patterson cuz i wanna b'lieve the best abt my friends. i knew abt becks & the weed ovr the summer, but she sed she quit all that cuz of what happed w/her mom & all.

    apes, off 2 soak her head

  • At 8:43 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    i did smoke a little weed but i did quit cuz it's kewl 2 xperiment but not cube at all 2 bcome a total stoner.

    jeremy i can't even understand what u say a lot of the time cuz u type so bad an' use so many dumb abbreviations but i know that no matter what u r saying on here it's lame. look at u, then look at me. i'm talented an' super hot. ur a loozer w/ a giant navet nose. u will never have a gf as kewl as me evah again. whereas MCDunC an' i r talking about hooking up cuz it would b cube 4 two major recording stars like us 2 b 2gether. we could get a lot of coverage in the school's gossip column.


  • At 9:17 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    que-becks. acronyms r way cube. have fun w/mcdump. i donno how u cud kiss those purple lips. mayb think ur eatin’ eggplant while ur doin’ it. itigbs.

    u can insult me all u want. i know i’m an ugly loozer & i know ur a hott babe. but do u know ur crazee? tangi origami likes me & david clayton-thomas wuz gr8. u wud have liked him. jazz/rock fusion. got the bizness card frum the opera house manager, but w8, i’m not ur lame-ass business manager nemore.

  • At 1:05 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I am so pumped. I just got off the phone with a reporter from the Milborough Weekly. It turns out that she was in the restaurant at the same time that I was reviving Beatrice Alfarero with the Professor’s Punch. She read the review to me in advance. Most of it was about the food, but part of it went like this:

    As we were dining, a young lady collapsed at the table next to ours. The waiter ran up, looked in her mouth, and with a speed that this reporter has never seen before, concocted a steaming drink made from various fruits that he brought to the lady’s table. After consuming the drink, the lady appeared to make a complete recovery. I asked the waiter if I could also sample the drink and he complied, rapidly serving up glasses of the fruity beverage to all at our table at a speed that was barely visible. It seems to be a miracle drink. After just one glass, the buzzing that had been in my head since my last dentist’s appointment suddenly went away. A similar effect was reported to me by my table companions. All I can say is that Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant gets my highest recommendation.

    I called Tracey Mayes about it, and she was quite excited. I can’t wait to see it in print tomorrow. Be sure to look for it.

    By the by, you are very pretty. Don’t listen to Jeremy. He clearly has issues that are not related to you.

    Howard Kelpfroth


Post a Comment

<< Home