April's Real Blog

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Liz learns about her students getting her to buy them stuff.

So, Liz arranged 2 have her students meet her by the school in the evening so they'd B able 2 locate the North Star in the sky. The kids seemed excited abt this, tho they started 2 hit her up 4 refreshments--hot dogs, marshmallows, hot chocolate. She sez that as she was paying for all the snacks, she was thinking, "Teaching. . . It's a learning experience." Then, she thought, "$". She was telling me abt this in e-mail, so I don't know whether that means she was thinking "money", "dollar sign", or "what a buncha con artists!" Oh, well. I suppose she learned something fr. this.

So now Becks has gotten in2 trub 4 punching out Tangi Origami, & also 4 vandalizing Jeremy's locker. Her mom got her outta in-school suspension, but she needs 2 go 2 Ger's Dad 4 therapy. Erg.

Well, Mom's yelling @ my door cuz she's got chorez 4 me 2 do, & l8r I babysit Paul & Rosemary Mayes cuz Tracey an' Gordo R gonna B having a big, special dinner.



  • At 8:50 AM, Anonymous Tangi Origami said…

    hey, becky, i mite just need 2 get in on that revenge against jeremy. i shoulda known better'n get involved w/him again. my mom yelled @ me when i told her we were going out. "he'll break yr heart and make u crazy. again."

    so last nite, we were @ that zorro movie makin' out, when he comes up 4 air & goez, "mmm, becky." becky! i was so pissed. he was all, "don't get bent, tangello, it's just a habit!" then when i was reaching 4 popcorn, he pushed my hand away & sed, "don't u think u've had enuf? u've got a bit of a spare tire goin' @ the top of those lowrise jeans yr wearin'." can u believe that? well, i just got up & left. so much 4 him gettin' ne action after. i m soooooo pissed!


  • At 8:59 AM, Anonymous Sharon Taylor-Edwards said…

    Dear Elizabeth,

    You haven't been returning my e-mails. I've been concerned about you. I contacted Gary in Mtigiwaki and he let me in on your current crisis.

    Listen girl, you need to lighten up. This isn't how you teach. Never let the children see the fear. Ever. I'll send you a few lesson plans and ideas if you give me a call and we can talk.

    I heard about your star gazing night and that you had to go into Spruce Narrows for supplies. Those little monsters talked you into springing for hot dogs, hot chocolate and all the fixings. You are showing some really poor planning there. Firstly, shouldn't you have permission slips from the parents. I know Mtigiwaki is small, but they need to be given reason why their children are staying out after dark, with a teacher and given the opportunity to say no if they feel it necessary.

    Proper planning would have allowed you to have the kids each bring a couple dollars for supplies if they wanted it. We teachers don't get paid enough to go digging into our own pockets! And thirdly, make sure there are no allergies before you go running around giving out the treats you so generously sprung for, or you could end up in some serious hot chocolate.

    Sharon Taylor nee Edwards

  • At 9:27 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    soundz like gd advice, liz!


  • At 11:05 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    so, i was just outside raking leaves & i had 2 take off my sunglasses 2 make sure i wasn't seeing thingz. jeremy was walking by, & he had a buncha silly string in his hair. & it looked like he'd gotten wet paint on his arse. ???


  • At 11:23 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    apes. wtf iz goin’on? i got a call frum tangi’s mom this mornin’. she found sum note 2 tangi she sez wuz signed by me on her door that sed tangi wuz preggers, i’m the dad, & we r gonna elope 2morrow. she sed i’m not 2c tangi nemore, like that wuz gonna happen neway aftah last nite.

    so last nite, we were @ that zorro movie makin' out, but i’m still watchin’ the movie, cuz it wuz getting’ 2 the xciting part, but then zorro duz this rilly stupid thing & i say, “imbecile” but there’s tangi n my mouth so it comez out, "imbecky.” tangi started yelling “becky! becky! how cud ub thinkin’ ‘bout becky wen ur kissing me.” i wuz saying, “no i meant 2 say imbecile.” and tangi was all, “so ur callin’ me an imbecile?” & i said “no i wuz calling zorro an imbecile. don't get bent, tangello, it's just a habit i have @movies."

    then there wuz this otha thing. tangi wuz eatin’ popcorn like mad, & then she wud xcuse herself 2 go 2 the bathroom. wen she came back, her breath wuz rilly bad, so i know wut she wuz doin’ n there. it wuz rilly hard 2 kiss her aftah that cuz of the taste. so one time when she wuz reaching 4 popcorn, i pushed her hand away & sed, "don't u think u've had enuf? u've got a bit of spew on your attire goin' @ the top of those lowrise jeans yr wearin'." then tangi started yelling agin saying, “i can’t believe u wud say that 2 me. spare tire. it’s just like last time wen u told me i looked fat n the dress. well ur not getting’ ne action frum me. i’m leavin’.” i sed, “no tangi, i sed ‘spew on ur attire’, but she wudn’t lissen.” well, she just got up & left. my mom who drove us 2 the theatre wuz sittin’ n the front, so we cud sit in the back & make out. she got up & sed 2 me, “yru d8ing this girl agin. she’z obviously evn more messed up w/anorexia/bulimia than she wuz the last time. becky mcguire wuz so much bettah.” & i sed, “becky kicked me 2 the curb so she cud date othah guyz.” & my mom sed, “it must have been sumthing yu did. ur just like ur dad.” there’s no talkin’ 2 mom, wen she sez that. so we hadta go n2 the lobby aftah tangi & while we r drivin’ tangi home, i hafta lissen 2 mom & tangi go off on me.

    then this mornin’ i go outside & find my bike wuz superglued 2 the sidewalk. i go to the toolshed 2 get a hammer 2 get it loose & i trip ovah sumthing. the next thing i know, there’z this silly string coming outa nowhere goin’ all ovah me. i start runnin’ away frum it & hit the side of the toolshed w/my butt. the toolshed is kinda sticky. sum1 painted it with bright pink slow-dryin’ paint. wen u saw me i wuz havin’ 2 walk 2 the hardware store 2 get paint remover and paint. my mom wuz like, “u deserve it 4 wut u did 2 tangi & becky. now, go repaint the toolshed.”

    man! wut’s gonna happen next?

  • At 12:09 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    tangi u should totally dump jermy i think he's just using u 2 get back at me.

    well i had my first appt w/ dr. forsythe 1st thing this morning. i wuz way p.o'd 2 have 2 get out of bed so early on a sat. but mom insisted. so i rode my bike over. when i got there ger wuz in dr. f's office. he wuz still in his batman jammies an' half-asleep he wuz curled up on 1 end of the couch trying 2 go back 2 sleep.

    well i sat down on the other end of the couch an' dr. f sez 2 me he goes "well becky it seems you have a problem." an' i'm like "yeah w/ that jermy kid mayb u could ask the school 2 expel him or something? that would fix it." an' dr. f goes "interesting idea. we will come back 2 that later. first i want 2 clarify something. y r u dating jeremy jones when you have a perfectly good boyfriend in gerald here, hmm?" just then ger kinda snored an' his dad smacked the side of his head an' ger woke up an' sat up straight an' dr. f tells him "ur not helping ur cause here!" an' ger's like "i don't wanna date becky! i'm in love with my angelic little april!" an' dr. f goes "that one's frigid. u need a slut 2 make sure ur equipment gets regular maintenance." an' i'm all like "hey! i'm not a slut!" just as ger is yelling "my pretty patterson petunia is not frigid! what's frigid mean, neway?"

    so dr. f went an' dragged out this easel w/ a sketchpad on it an' he goes "2day we r going 2 learn abt the link btween genetics and libido." neway he starts drawing a family tree an' when he gets done he shows it 2 us an' it's 4 apes's family. he goes "now this isn't ur ordinary family tree it contains all of the sexual and romantic partners of every member of the patterson family. i acquired this data through the use of extensive research with dr. schlanger and a sexologist he knows named dr. ted maccaulay." so of course that big brownnoser ger raises his hand an' sez "but it looks just like their regular family tree!" an' dr. f is all like "just about! u see pattersons and those they marry have almost no sex drive at all. as u can c, john and elly patterson were virgins when they were married, and according to dr. maccaulay's data, they've had sex less than a dozen times in the intervening years. neither spouse has had extramarital partners, making them perhaps the most frigid couple in all of canada--and canada has a very cold climate!" he laffed at his own joke then he put his pointer on mike an' dee. "mike and deanna were both virgins when they married. deanna successfully fended off the sexual advances of her previous fiance for over two years! mike did make some attempts at sex with one ms. rhetta blum, but ms. blum reports that he was never able to successfully follow through." then he pointed at liz. "this one seems to be a slight anomaly, but bear with me. all her boyfriends--anthony, eric, warren--report that ms. patterson willingly performed sex acts that gratified the males without requiring her to be unclothed or stimulated in any way. nevertheless, it's a form of frigidity and her male partners were never satisfied with her lukewarm attentions for very long, as they all abandoned her. she even moved up north to a place even colder than milboro." then dr. f pointed at apes on the tree. "look at this. 14 years old. has had the same boyfriend for three years. and yet she's never let him get past first base!" ger raised his hand again an' goes "that's not true. she let me get 2 2nd base over her shirt at the movies 2 freak out her 'rents." dr. f smacked ger on the head with the pointer an' sed, "stupid boy! over the shirt doesn't count!"

    then he flipped 2 a new page. on the top wuz written the name "mcgurie" but the page wuz so criss-crossed w/ lines an' scribbled names that it wuz hard 2 read ne of it. dr. f goes "this is a chart of becky's sexual family tree. notice that both her parents are very prolific lovers. krystle has averaged seven lovers every year since age 13. and, naturally, being a formerly converted gay man in relapse, thorvald has managed to amass a tally of over ten thousand lovers by 'playing both sides,' as it were." ger's mouth totally fell open when he saw how many peeps my dad has done it with. then dr. f pointed 2 a black spot up at the top of the chart an' he goes "this is becky's great-great-grandmother eulalie. dr. maccaulay is still investigating her sexual history. this is a mere representation of her prolific nature. i tried to color the spot really dark, but i pushed too hard and the pencil broke." ger's mouth fell open even wider an' he's all excited an' he's like "I'm friends with her!" an' dr. f got excited an' wuz like "did she let u feel her up?" an' ger is like "i didn't try" an' dr. f hit him over the head w/ the pointer again.

    neway i got bored an' i'm like "well what does ne of this have 2 do w/ me getting in a fite w/ my ex-bf at school?" an' dr. f is like "in due course my therapeutic goals will become clearer to you, rebecca. our time is up 4 2day."

    i totally booked out of there. i m supposed 2 go back 2morrow, tho.


  • At 12:10 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I’m a little tired today, since you and me and Tracey Mayes were up late “delivering gifts” to you-know-who. I was pleased to see that he has found some of them already.

    The Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant opened today 2 hours earlier in anticipation of a crowd, and it turns out that this was excellent planning on Tracey’s part. There was a crowd already developing when we opened. It’s a little less frantic this time. Tracey asked the Milborough police to be ready for a crowd, and she’s got her kids Rosemary and Paul helping to handle the seating. These children are so well-mannered. It must be a snap for April to baby-sit them. Just looking at them makes me want to have kids. I am glad to have the pressure taken off a little. I was getting a little woozy from all the radioactive vegetables I had to eat yesterday, even though I was being very careful to monitor the bamboo Geiger counter the Professor left and I ate plenty of his vegetable soup he uses to remove the radiation at the end of the day.

    I called up Brenda Starr to ask her about marriage and having sparkly kids, like we talked about doing last night. When she picked up she said, “Can’t talk now Howard. I am trying to get into Rock Roquefort’s restaurant.” Her work keeps her very busy, which I understand completely. She is Brenda Starr after all and you don’t get her reputation unless you are willing to do the work every day.

    Your uncle Ralph and aunt Mark came in. It was so good to see them again for the first time since their “getting-out-of-jail” party (the one you weren’t invited to because, well you know the reason). I got to talk to them briefly about your dad and what they were doing. Ralph is back to doing freelance electrical jobs. He said, “I worked for a company for a little while, but freelance allows me to pursue my artistic muse.” Then Mark said, “What he means is that the company doesn’t want someone with a police record working for them.” I told them that prison life must have suited them, since they were both quite fit and trim. Ralph said, “Yeah, Thorvald wanted to stay there, because of that and plus he was doing so well with his dating service. Did you know that Evil-Eye Fleegle and Al the Goon are together?” I said no. Mark said, “All because of Thorvald’s dating service. I think he is going to try that as a profession when he gets out in a couple of weeks. I wish we had his lawyer. We could have been out in days instead of months.”

    That’s all I have time to post. I still have a banquet to prepare for tonight, in addition to all these customers.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 12:32 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april. so i am @ the hw store & peeps start 2 point @me. @ first i think they were lookin’ @ my silly string hair & painted backside, but then i notice they were sayin’ “it’s the runaway boy.” i sed, “wut ru talkin’ ‘bout. i’m no runaway.” then they pointed 2 these posters put up on the door of the hw store. “missing runaway. germy jeremy jones. if u see him, pls call police & handle w/ caution. he carriez many infectious diseases.” so, the peeps r backin’ away & the shop guy iz callin’ the police. i grab my paint & paint remover & i start running back 2 my house. but this police car comez up b-side me & 2 police jump on me & knock me 2 the ground & my face iz all scraped up. then they back off & say, “avoid the blood. it’s toxic.” & i sed, “my blood’s not toxic.” well my mom saw this & came down frum the house 2 xplain 2 the police i wuz not toxic, i just got sum sex disease frum tangi origami. i sed, “what? tangi & didn’t do it.” my mom sed, “this note arrived frum our doctor sayin’ you got the clap & i’m supposed 2 take un4 a shot.” so, now i’m sittin’ n the doc’s office, w8in’ 4 a shot, covered n blood, silly string & pink paint. cud this day get ne worse? no w8, i don’t wanna know.

  • At 12:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, ger, does yr dad want me 2 have lost my virginity @ age 11? he's a friggin' perv like his pal dr. sicko schlanger. i'll bet he'd have a diff attitude if he had a daughter. i can't b'lieve he's making becky's therapy all abt sex insteada helpin' her 4 real. what an arsehole. sorry, ger, but it's true.

    becks, i wish that principal wd refer students 2 sum1 who's not out there doing malfreakinpractice.

    jeremy, soundz like u r having a ruff day. it sux that even yr mom isn't trying 2 b on yr side!

    howard, u r rite, babysitting paul & rosemary is a breeze. they r such nice kidz!


  • At 1:00 PM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    April and Friends,

    I just saw the most curious thing. Jeremy Jones just went running by, with about a dozen clowns chasing him. I don't know what that was all about!


  • At 1:27 PM, Anonymous keesha grant said…

    hey, so i was just @ horny tim's picking up sum tim balls 2 go. i saw becky an' tangi origami. they were sitting tog. having coffee & whispering an' laughing. i thot this was kinda weird since i heard abt their fite yesterday.


  • At 1:30 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april. i get my shot @ the doc’s & my rear iz rilly sore. we get home & there r these guyz n front of our house. my mom iz like, “sum friendz of yours” & i say, “no ma. i don’t know these guyz.” well the guyz r frum circus orange n toronto. they got a letter sayin’ 1 of the greatest stunt clownz n the world iz jeremy jones & they r lookin’ 2 hire. well my mom sez, “u mite az well try a new career jeremy, since u screwed up ur job az becky mcguire’s bizness manager.” i sed, “no ma. she kicked me 2 the curb ‘cuz i told her she’z been puttin’ on weight since she started workin’ @ her mom’s bakery. there’z sum gigz i can’t get 4 her cuz sum peeps don’t want fat girl singerz.” well that rilly torked off my mom & she sed, “ur gonna try out 4 this circus, if ur gonna say such thingz like that 2 becky. ur dad sed the same thing 2 me b4 he left.” so, the clownz have all their gear w/them & they set up n the back yard & r wearing their outfits. it’s like pyrotechnics & stuff & i sed, “what do u want me 2 do?” they sed,”show us ur best clown xplosion.” i sed, “what? clownz don’t do xplosions.” they sed, “circus orange clownz do.” so my mom sez 2 me, “get 2 it jeremy” & she whacks me right across where i got the shot. i jumped up & landed on this spring-loaded sparkler cannon that shot me up n the sky & my sticky pink paint pants caught on fire frum the sparkler. i must have flipped like 20x & wen i landed i rolled a lot & put out my pants fire. the clownz were all applauding & sed, “sign right here” & i sed “no way” & started running. my mom sed, “catch him & i’ll make sure he signz.” so i ran n2 m-boro & down the street where ur mom works. the clownz r lookin’ 4 me. this lady beatrice who works 4 ur mom sed i cud stay n the office till the clownz leave. i am posting frum here 2 let u know i think i got sum paint & silly string on the puter chair.

  • At 1:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    those sound like the most scaree clownz evah, jeremy, & i think most peeps think there is sumthin' scaree abt clownz neway. thanx 4 warning me abt the paint & silly string. my mom totally wda assumed that they were my fault!


  • At 2:25 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    apes pleeze quit being nice 2 jermy haven't u noticed that he keeps calling me fat?!? geez what kind of friend r u?

    tangi an' i had a good talk an' we have some ideas for stuff 2 do 2 jermy 2 get back at him. also she taught me how 2 do that bulimia thing so i'm gonna b able 2 get ne gig or bf i want.


  • At 2:53 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, becks, i totally told u that u weren't fat the 1st time jeremy sed that! jeremy, becks is sooooo not fat!

    btw, my dad showed me pix of what happens 2 a bulimic's teeth! it's not pretty! u r my bud & u r scaring me w/the ana/mia talk!


  • At 3:00 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    well don't worry i don't think i'm gonna do the bulimia thing after all i tried it an' it's way gross. also i got some spew on my attire an' i can't b going around like that. i would try anorexia but i work in a bakery yo. not gonna happen. oh well there's always weight watchers.


  • At 3:06 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april. the clownz left & i wuz gonna go home frum ur mom’s store wen becks & tangi were w8in’ outside 4 me. i ‘bout crapped my pants. they sed 2 me, “jeremy we r so sorry 4 the things we have done 2u, we got u this soda.” i sed, “there’z no way i am drinkin’ that. u got poison or sumthin n it 2 make me sick.” so, then they both take a big drink of it & sed, “c, it’s not poison. we r just tryin’ 2 apologize.” so i sed ok & drank it, but i knew sumthin wuz up cuz becks & tangi cudn’t stop gigglin’. wen i got home & i had 2 pee, my stuff came out blue. becks & tangi put some dye n that drink. well, my mom comes n2 the bathroom just @that time & sez “blue piss! we gotta go back 2 the doctor.” so here i am n the doc’s office agin, w/ silly string n my hair, burnt paint on my butt, & it looks like my othah butt cheek iz gonna b sore soon.

  • At 3:57 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    April, The doc visit went quick. He tol’ my mom that I jus’ had sum methylene blue or sumthin like that n a drink & it wud go away & I didn’t need a shot. So that wuz gud. Wen we got home, the phone rang & I answered it. A voice sed, “This iz the telephone company callin’. There iz sum trouble w/ur line. Pleaze do not answer ne calls 4 the next 5 minutes or the person on the othah end mayb electrocuted. Thank u." I totally thot the voice wuz becks, but I wuzn’t sure. Then ‘bout 2 minutes l8er, the phone rang agin & when I picked it up a voice screamed, "AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!" & hung up.

    Mom sez I hafta repaint the tool shed now. I hope nuthin’ else happens.

  • At 4:31 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    quit whining jermy no1 cares.

  • At 4:35 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i finished repaintin’ the tool shed. i found the silly string dispenser & the trip wire 2 set it off. wen i wuz takin’ it down i noticed this other line attached 2 the end of the silly string dispenser. giant water balloon, suspended in a tree. i wuz soaked & walkin’ n the house wen a hearse came up. it wuz the mortuary & they were here 2 pick up jeremy jones’ dead body. i sed, “i’m jeremy jones. take me away.” but my mom told them sum1 wuz playin’ a practical joke & she wuz sorry they wasted their time.

  • At 5:11 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, u guyz, here's what i don't understand abt the whole w8 thing. when jeremy & i were moving becky around @ the mall when she was all, like, passed out, jeremy sed, "if i didn't know ne better, i wd think becky's gained w8. but its obvs she hasn't & it's just cuz she's hangin' all limp like that." then after becky sed that thing abt w8, jeremy was suddenly all "biz decision, career move", blahblahblah. but when we were @ the mall & we passed a poster of mariah carey, he was all, "she's so hott", & u know she has curves on her. so what gives, yo?


  • At 5:23 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    well gerald came over my house awhile ago i guess he wuz hungry again. we ate the last of the turkey pot pies left over frum thanksgiving (well i had half of 1, an' ger had 2 1/2) an' talked. i guess ger is really feeling pressure frum dr. f 2 have a "normal" sex life 4 a teenage boy. when i asked him what normal wuz he sed he didn't know an' that's the whole problem. i guess he tried asking his dad 2day after my therapy session. this is what ger sez happened:

    ger: so, like, what's normal?
    dr. f: in this instance, "normal" would be the median sexual experience for a white Canadian boy from Ontario of approximately 14.5 years of age.
    ger: yeah, but, like, what stuff do i have to do to be normal?
    dr. f: well, in what sexual activities do the other members of your peer group engage?
    ger: huh?
    dr. f: what bases have they run, to put it in the crude teenaged vernacular.
    ger: oh. umm, well, that depends.
    dr. f: depends on what?
    ger: like, who are we calling my peers?
    dr. f: the other teenage boys you spend the most time with.
    ger: oh. well, i'm pretty sure dunc might of touched a boobie.
    dr. f: i have it on good authority that your friend duncan anderson has received oral stimulation from multiple female partners.
    ger: yeah, well, those girls like to talk dirty, but i don't think he ever actually got a rainbow party.
    dr. f: (disappointed) local sexologist dr. ted maccaulay reports that jeremy jones and becky mcguire have been copulating ever since summer break ended.
    ger: no, dad, see, he called her fat, but she's really not.
    dr. f: (confused) what's that got to do with anything?
    ger: jeremy says if becky is fat, she won't get the best gigs.
    dr. f: but you said she isn't fat.
    ger: she's not. i think it's preventative.
    dr. f: oh. what's that got to do with them having sex?
    ger: they don't have sex.
    dr. f: they don't?
    ger: no. mostly becky and tangi origami try to kill him.
    dr. f: really?
    ger: uh-huh. today they did something to him that made his tallywhacker turn blue. that's what i heard, anyway.
    dr. f: (horrified) what did they do?
    ger: i don't know. kimmi lasalle said she heard they set his pants on fire. maybe it turned blue after it got burned.
    dr. f: uhhh...clearly, jeremy jones is an outlier. fortunately, his experience should not have much bearing on the median sexual experience for boys in your cohort.
    ger: i don't know. it seems like lots of us are getting our manly bits broken and burned and cut up nowadays. remember, even dunc had to go see dr. schlanger this month!
    dr. f: (turning pale) just promise me two things, son.
    ger: sure, pop.
    dr. f: first, promise me you'll try to get to second base under the shirt sometime this school year.
    ger: yes, sir!
    dr. f: second, promise me you will never, ever leave this house without wearing your athletic cup.
    ger: oh dad! dr. schlanger made me promise that months ago!
    dr. f: good. i'll go to the store tomorrow and see if we can upgrade you to something flame retardant.

    i dunno, so mayb my therapy will b a little less sex-obsessed frum here on out--??

    gotta go ger is eating all of mom's rum raisin ice cream an' i gotta stop him.


  • At 5:38 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, there sum stuff u don’t know. wen brenda starr gave becks the money 2 finish her demo tape, we had enuff left ovah 2 do a video of becks doin’1 of her songz. i’ve been using the video 2 promote becks 2 sum clubs she wants 2 work, but they want that rilly skinny look thass popular. “lots of girls can sing. need a skinny girl 2 look @.”-kind of stuff. so i tell this 2 becks & she iz all pissy ‘bout it cuz she wants 2 make it big, but duzn’t want 2 get sick. i tell her it’s her choice. i think she looks hott & omg she duz, but 2 get that bizness, she mite wanna lose w8 az a career move, u know. then she goez off kissin’ w/dunc & ger & kicks me 2 the curb. my mom sez i can stay n my room the rest of the day, so i’m doin’ my dunc impression. safer than goin’ outside agin.

  • At 5:52 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeez, becks, it soundz like ger's dad has this totally unrealistic idea of how much sex stuff "normal" kidz our age r doing. & u know what burns me up? it's like totally unfair 2 both of us that he's decided u r a slut & i'm frigid all cuz of our fams & nuthin' 2 do w/nething we have or haven't done.

    but neway, i hope u r rite that he's gonna back off fr. the sex stuff in yr therapy.

    jeremy, u r rite, i didn't know that stuff abt the video & all. but that mite change cuz there's been a big backlash against how skinny lindsay lohan got when she & nicole richie were going around being called the skeletwins. & now there's been a story in the news where linds sed she almost died fr. getting 2 skinnee & now she's gotten a bit curvy again.

    i'm posting this fr. my phone cuz i'm babysitting @ gordo & tracey's now. paul & rosemary want me 2 play a board game, so gotta go.


  • At 6:27 PM, Anonymous paul mayes said…

    Hey, this blogg thing is pretty cube. MayB i should start 1!


  • At 6:44 PM, Blogger howard said…


    From the posts, it looks like all our “plans” for Jeremy paid off, even better than I thought they would. I’m sure he will think twice before calling you fat and cheating on you again.

    This will be my last post for awhile. The Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant has been closed for the “family” banquet. I probably will not get another opportunity to post until it is all over. I have been cooking all day and I think, if can speak immodestly, I have been doing some of my best stuff. I really want to make a good impression. The Mayes have spent a lot of money on the food for this banquet.

    Tracey Mayes went home and changed out of her hausfrau outfit into an extremely low cut, backless gold lamé dress. I told her she looked great, which she did, and she appreciated the compliment. Gordon Mayes was with her and I asked him where his bodyguards were. He said, “Howard, those bodyguards were just my mobster phase. I’m into bling now.” And he pulled down the top of his shirt a little so I could see an array of gold necklaces. He also had a big gold ring. Tracey gave an exasperated sigh when she saw him show me that stuff.

    Got to go. I will tell you all about it later.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 11:01 PM, Blogger howard said…


    The “family” banquet is pretty much over except for cleaning up. Mira and Wilfred Sobinski were at the front table with Gordon and Tracey Mayes. After most of the people had finished their food, Gordon got up to the microphone and said:

    Yo yo yo. Before you get bent, and while you are chillin’ and coolin’, I want to introduce you to my dogg, the main man of my crib, he’s tha shiznit. A homeboy and an O.G. in our M-boro hood and then an O.G. creating hizouse in Burlington. He’s a phat dude, a baller who’s got game and knows how to bring in the cheese, the scratch, the scrillah. He’s fo shizzle my nizzle, Wilfred Sobinski.

    Wilfred Sobinski looked really confused and Tracey Mayes stood up and said:

    Please pardon my husband. He’s going through a “bling-bling” phase. Let me continue what he was so eloquently saying about our honoree. 10 years ago, Gordon and I were planning to get married and we had a little problem. Gordon’s dad was a stinking drunk and liked to beat up on Gordon and his mother, and the only thing the pious people in this town did to help was to give Gordon a hug. I feared that I was going to have to break my engagement to Gordon. And then I met a wonderful man, our honoree tonight, Wilfred Sobinski. Wilf lived in Burlington, but used to live in Milborough when I was younger and I had not seen him in a long time. I ran into him when we were sitting together in a dentist’s waiting room, and I told him my story. Well, ladies and gentlemen, Wilf just gave me a big hug and told me he would take care of it. I thought it was going to be just like all the other times I got a hug. But Wilf was different. The very next day, Gordon’s dad came to us and said that he would now be attending AA meetings and that he wouldn’t give Gordon any more trouble. It was the answer to my prayers. I just had to find Wilf, and ask him what he did. When I did, it changed my life and a lot of the lives in here. I see a lot of you smiling, because over the years, Wilf has had the same positive effect on your lives too. Wilf introduced me to a new way of doing business, one where you don’t have to just take it on the chin from the government. One where you can set a standard of living beyond your wildest dreams. I thought I was going to be a garage mechanic’s wife living over a garage for the rest of my life. Thanks to Wilfred Sobinski, my family and consequently your families have achieved greatness, and we will go on achieving greatness by following his example. Ladies and gentlemen, Wilfred Sobinski.

    There was thunderous applause at this point that lasted for a good 15 minutes as Wilfred Sobinski stood up and went to the microphone. This is what he said:

    Thank you Gordon and especially Tracey for your kind words. I really can’t take full credit for their success, because these 2 have ingenuity that have moved far beyond what I have achieved. Plus, I think it was Al the Goon who straightened out Gordon’s father. I just pointed him in the right direction. We all know Al needs directions. (Laughing in the crowd.)

    A long time ago, Mira and I wanted to start a new life with my 2 girls and a small hardware store in Burlington and faced the same problem you faced in Milborough. Corrupt police and government officials that taxed you to the bone. We knew we would never make it, if we followed the rules that were binding us. So we picked up a little outside business, a nice little business that couldn’t be taxed and you know what folks? A miracle took place. We had nice things, a good life, and suddenly those corrupt police and government officials weren’t a problem any more. Ever since then I have tried to pass this message onto others, by doing a kindness to a friend or having compassion for a stranger. I am deeply touched that our “family” in Milborough would seek to honor me for this, because this has been my life’s work, my reason for being. (Wilf gets a little choked up.) It has sustained me and Mira when times were hard, and kept me focussed when times were good. I will leave you with my motto…

    (and the crowd yelled with him at this point) Don’t take it on the chin!

    There was a lot of applause at this point and many other speeches from people telling stories about Wilfred followed, but I cannot recall them all. Afterwards, the Sobinskis came over to me and thanked me for doing such a good job with the food. I think it went really well, but I was wondering why it was that your brother and his wife were not there. Do you know?

    Howard Kelpfroth


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