November letters!
So, Steph got our November letters up this morning, so it's time 4 me 2 make my usual comments. I don't really have 2 much 2 say abt my own letter this month, 'cept, OMG, can U believe what a snitch Mike is & what a snoop Mom is? OK, so now she knows how 2 find my IM history, but gd thing Michael has no idea abt ICQ. & besides, Gerald & I mostly txt ea other w/our phones NEway. & Mom still totally doesn't know abt this real blog. She totally luvs the fakey one.
So, Mom, Dad, & even Gramps are totally harping on whatta teenager I M, w/Ma sayin' I'm a Martian. Hey, @ least I haven't been going thru puberty 4 ovr 10 yrs, like my mom & the LONGEST MENOPAUSE IN THE HISTORY OF FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEMS! & Mom & Dad totally want U 2 believe I'm so diff fr. how Liz an' Mike were in their teen yrs. I'll bet sum of U out there remember how Mike an' Liz were & can say otherwise!
& Gramps thinks we jammed this past wkend? WTF, we did not! This isn't 2 say we nev. do, but we didn't this past wkend. Oh, & zeitgeist? Buy a dictionary Gramps! It's fr. German, & it's like, literally "timeghost", or rather the "spirit" of one's time. Grip up, Gramps. That was totally a grade-9 vocab word this semester.
So, Dee's trying 2 sound all intellectual w/stuff like "homogeneous family situation" & "multiethnic society", & tries 2 sound all open-minded w/"My time in Honduras was probably the biggest shock of my life, but at the same time being around people whose lives could not have been more different from mine made me less self-centered and more aware of the fact that my personal perceptions and prejudices are not necessarily representative of reality." But then she seems 2 4get all abt that when she gets 2 talking abt the Kelpfroths & Lovey plotting against them. So now Lovey's story is that the doggie tore open the Kelpies' trash & then detective-lady Lovey had a big ol' breakthru w/the plaster. But I still don't understand how she cd leap 2 the conclusion that the plaster = the Kelpfroths damaging the apt.
Mike, in case U hadn't picked this up fr. his previous letters, is like the bestest writer & editor evah. But he totally appreciates hisneglected wife, yo. And Dee uses both pasta and poetry in her cooking. I 8 a poem yesterday, but it totally gave me heartburn, peeps!
OK, this is kinda weird, but my Mom totally decided 2 edit the pets' letter this month. No, Gramps has not been getting Dixie visits every wkend, cuz he's on Dixie probation until Xmas. I guess Ma doesn't want ppl 2 think she's a big ol' meanie, denying an oldie access 2 his rat-dog. Speaking of which, "border collie"? I totally had "sheltie-rat mix", but Mom decided to change that 2 acct 4 how Dix doesn't look like the breed she's supposed to B. But guess what? She doesn't look like NE border collie either, Mom! Nice try, tho.
Oh, BTW, I'd totally 4gotten abt Robin's b-day & our dinner celebration 2nite. Happy b-day, lil guy! So, it's gonna B Mike, Dee, Merrie, Robin, Mom, Dad, Gramps, Iris, Mira, Wilf, & me @ sum fancy restaurant in Toronto. Deets when I have 'em after!
Apes
Edit: OMG, I can't believe I 4got Lizzie's letter! Sorry about that Liz, I hope this won't make U not wanna have me up there 4 spring break. Tho, I gotta say, w/all the creepee storiez U've been telling me abt the ppl up there, I'm not so sure it's worth it just 2 get away fr. Mom & Dad 4 a while. Oh, who'm I kidding, of course it is! NEway, Liz, I can't believe U're doing that astronomy unit 4 the whole month! God help U! Liz tells me that Mom put in that lil line abt "seeing less of Becky". I think she's hoping I pal up w/Shannon Lake or sumthin'.
So, Mom, Dad, & even Gramps are totally harping on whatta teenager I M, w/Ma sayin' I'm a Martian. Hey, @ least I haven't been going thru puberty 4 ovr 10 yrs, like my mom & the LONGEST MENOPAUSE IN THE HISTORY OF FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEMS! & Mom & Dad totally want U 2 believe I'm so diff fr. how Liz an' Mike were in their teen yrs. I'll bet sum of U out there remember how Mike an' Liz were & can say otherwise!
& Gramps thinks we jammed this past wkend? WTF, we did not! This isn't 2 say we nev. do, but we didn't this past wkend. Oh, & zeitgeist? Buy a dictionary Gramps! It's fr. German, & it's like, literally "timeghost", or rather the "spirit" of one's time. Grip up, Gramps. That was totally a grade-9 vocab word this semester.
So, Dee's trying 2 sound all intellectual w/stuff like "homogeneous family situation" & "multiethnic society", & tries 2 sound all open-minded w/"My time in Honduras was probably the biggest shock of my life, but at the same time being around people whose lives could not have been more different from mine made me less self-centered and more aware of the fact that my personal perceptions and prejudices are not necessarily representative of reality." But then she seems 2 4get all abt that when she gets 2 talking abt the Kelpfroths & Lovey plotting against them. So now Lovey's story is that the doggie tore open the Kelpies' trash & then detective-lady Lovey had a big ol' breakthru w/the plaster. But I still don't understand how she cd leap 2 the conclusion that the plaster = the Kelpfroths damaging the apt.
Mike, in case U hadn't picked this up fr. his previous letters, is like the bestest writer & editor evah. But he totally appreciates his
OK, this is kinda weird, but my Mom totally decided 2 edit the pets' letter this month. No, Gramps has not been getting Dixie visits every wkend, cuz he's on Dixie probation until Xmas. I guess Ma doesn't want ppl 2 think she's a big ol' meanie, denying an oldie access 2 his rat-dog. Speaking of which, "border collie"? I totally had "sheltie-rat mix", but Mom decided to change that 2 acct 4 how Dix doesn't look like the breed she's supposed to B. But guess what? She doesn't look like NE border collie either, Mom! Nice try, tho.
Oh, BTW, I'd totally 4gotten abt Robin's b-day & our dinner celebration 2nite. Happy b-day, lil guy! So, it's gonna B Mike, Dee, Merrie, Robin, Mom, Dad, Gramps, Iris, Mira, Wilf, & me @ sum fancy restaurant in Toronto. Deets when I have 'em after!
Apes
Edit: OMG, I can't believe I 4got Lizzie's letter! Sorry about that Liz, I hope this won't make U not wanna have me up there 4 spring break. Tho, I gotta say, w/all the creepee storiez U've been telling me abt the ppl up there, I'm not so sure it's worth it just 2 get away fr. Mom & Dad 4 a while. Oh, who'm I kidding, of course it is! NEway, Liz, I can't believe U're doing that astronomy unit 4 the whole month! God help U! Liz tells me that Mom put in that lil line abt "seeing less of Becky". I think she's hoping I pal up w/Shannon Lake or sumthin'.
posted by April Patterson @ 11:13 AM
11 Comments:
At 12:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
becks. good luck w/that lawsuit. ur song had no copyrite marked on it, ‘sides my mom sez parody iz exempt.
i had a gr8 time @ the m-boro downtown spookout last nite. u wud have liked it. they had an old geezer doin’ magic & he wuz rilly gud 4 an old geezer. i guess u were 2 bizzy listening 2 old peeps music 2 come. apes’ mom had her store open till 9:30 & so did ur mom and marjee mahaha, but u guyz weren’t there 4 sum reason. don’t u guyz do halloween ne more?
i rilly wish u wud stop skipping ur gigs. evn tho i told them yesterday i wusn’t ur manager ne more, the forths called me askin’ where u were. if the prob iz settin’ up that off brand equipment u use, i can show ur new roadie or sound guy how 2 do it.
At 12:08 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, i wasn't there last nite cuz my mom made me stay home & give out candy 2 the kiddies. when i complained abt missing the fun downtown, she grumbled abt me being a martian teen.
apes
At 12:32 PM,
April Patterson said…
lol, becks, since dee has access 2 so many drugz @ work, i fig she must b on a big ol' drug cocktail 2 keep herself going.
yeh, i meant 2 say sumthin' abt how my foax r all obsessed w/death these days. & i think they mite wanna get liz 2 raise me so they can move in2 that lil house dad has his eye on & get ready 2 b dead 4 a long, long time.
apes
At 12:42 PM,
April Patterson said…
don't worry, liz, i did pinky-swear w/becks that i wdn't go past 2nd base b4 i'm 16. (ger, b sure 2 mention this 2 yr dad. becks & i have the same pinky swear. she's not a slut & i'm not frigid. we're normal girlz!)
apes
At 12:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
OMG! So it's true!?
I was just going to ask if the rumor I heard -- that you were moving in with your sister -- was true! Are you alright with that?? I mean, if the people there are getting so excited over a map of the stars and throwing a party for that ... They might throw a party in your honor every 28 days -- if you know what I mean!!!
Ha. No way am I signing my name here! My mom thinks I only talk to the good kids, if she finds out that I know you, the girl that wears strange stripped colored socks to school, I'll be grounded for LIFE!
At 1:18 PM,
April Patterson said…
well, anon, i don't know if i'll actually end up being sent 2 mtigland. my 'rents r a bit flaky 2 say the least & they cd change their minds fr. 1 second 2 the next, iykwim! lol.
apes
At 6:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
april. thanx 4 leavin’ me outa ur monthly letter this time. last month i hadda lissen 2 peeps say thingz ‘bout me wrecking their lunch 2 luk @ me. i donno y ur mom edited that ‘bout me. not v. funny.
2morrow i have 2 go w/mom 2 the “take ur child 2 work day”. it shudn’t b 2 bad. last nite, mom & i went w/this guy frum work she’z been d8ing who haz a daughter older than me. she goez 2 a different skool than us, so u don’t know her. it wuz weird, cuz u know, if my mom marriez her dad, then she wud b my sister. ne way she’z rilly cube. i wuz sad ‘bout the becky stuff & tol her ‘bout all the thingz that happened – the locker, punchin’ tangi, the jokes on me saturday. my future sis sed i shud b rilly happy not 2 b w/some1 who wud do all that. ne way, she’z gonna b @ the “take ur child 2 work day” w/her dad, so we may get 2 hang out summore.
At 7:17 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, i don't know y my mom put that "losing yr lunch" stuff in abt u last month. she thinx she's really phunny when she writes stuff like that.
apes
At 7:48 PM,
howard said…
April,
Tracey Mayes took off after school let out this afternoon as she always does to pick up her kids. When she came back she dropped the kids in the garage with Gordon and said she needed to talk to me in private. So, we went into the back office and Tracey shut and locked the door.
She said, “Howard. I told you that I had been working to get those charges dropped against you, and although they are not officially dropped, they have been conveniently forgotten.” I said, “Conveniently forgotten. What does that mean?” Then Tracey went to the door and turned on a device that started making a humming sound. I said, “What’s that?” She said, “White noise generator. It will mask our conversation from people who may be listening.”
Tracey then said, “Howard, have you ever heard of an organization called the "Johnston Institute for Better Living". I said that I had, but I didn’t know much about them, only that they produced the GPS devices that your mom and dad used and their manifesto is to bring the fast pace world back to yesteryear. Tracey said, “I’m impressed that you know that much. They try to keep a very low profile. Well, the Johnston Institute for Better Living wields incredible power in this town. It’s no exaggeration to say Milborough would not exist, if it weren’t for the Johnston Institute.”
I said, “What does this have to do with me?” Tracey said, “For the last several months, the Johnston Institute has been extremely interested in you being in jail and were pushing the local prosecutors to give you a significantly larger jail sentence that is required by law for the attacks you did on those 3 women.” I harumphed and said, “I only attacked one woman. The others you set up.” Tracey said, “I know I did, but you don’t know how powerful the Johnston Institute is. They could have wiped me and Gordon out with one stroke of a pen.” I said, “Tracey, this isn’t making me like you very much.”
Tracey said, “You will. I promised you that if you worked for the restaurant, I would use all my influence to get those charges removed and that is what I have done. I couldn’t get the Johnston Institute to agree to have the charges completely dropped, but I have gotten them to conveniently forget them. As long as you don’t do anything to attract their attention, it should be safe for you to resume your normal life.” I said, “What do you mean, resume my normal life?” Tracey said, “You can rejoin the Milborough Gay Light Opera if you want. You can travel and leave Milborough anytime you want. You can go back to working at Lakeshore Landscaping if you want, although I would like it if you continued working here.” I said, “Are you kidding?” Tracey said, “Not kidding. I’m a woman who keeps my promises.” I started jumping up and down and yelling and grabbed Tracey in a big bear hug and gave her a big kiss and then yelled and screamed some more. Tracey said, “Whew! I haven’t been kissed like that in awhile. April is one lucky girl to have you for a backup gay.” I said, “I’m one lucky guy to have you for a boss. How can I ever repay you?” Tracey said, “Just keep doing the fantastic job you’ve been doing here and keep on romancing April. Her family has told me that she's having a rough time adjusting to high school and doesn’t have many female friends. A girl needs to know that her backup gay still cares. When the going gets grueling, the gay gets going.” I said that was an interesting alliterative statement, and that she and you could count on me.
I am so pumped. I called up Brenda Starr to give her the good news to celebrate, but she is still busy interviewing Chef Rock Roquefort and his guard-dog Chihuahuas. Things haven’t gone this well for me in a long time.
Happily,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 8:08 AM,
Anonymous said…
Hey, Apes!
Got 2 go 2 the Mboro Credit Union w/ my dad now. Im not sure when Ill B home, 'cos my dad says he mite hafta stay l8 4 a meeting w/ "fordo spayes."
If u need sum cheering up aft that assembly and those stoopid letters, Beckers an' Ill take u out 4 Tim balls an' a dbl dbl 2nite. Well even let u have all the choclit balls.
My dads saying if I dont get in the car rite now I hafta go 2 work w/ my mom an' help her clean toenails @ Mboro Manors.
L8r.
At 8:34 AM,
April Patterson said…
dunc, i can def use sum cheering up, after that assembly & also the dinner where i wasn't allowed 2 talk!
l8r,
apes
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