See STARS!

Oh, 4 heav's sake! So they got all their refreshments 2geth, & Lizzie got the telescope set up. She referred 2 her star map w/Gary, 2 fig out where 2 point 4 the lil & big dipper. So Liz gets the big dip in her telescope, & Gary announces "Turn off all your lights! Polaris is in the telescope!" & Liz heard some1 say, "Who needs Hollywood when U can line up here 2 C a star?" Girl, please! So was Gary's phrasing supposta B like when those old Elvis concerts wd end w/"Elvis has left the bldg" (Or 2 put it in terms my mom wd understand, "Bobby Curtola has left the bldg")? Just so much bleah. & NEway, wasn't the whole pt of Polaris supposta B that U don't need a telescope 2 C it? That's Y the ancient sailing ships cd use it 2 navigate? I dunno, I think I give up.

So, in a lil while, Dad & I R going 2 his dental practice, cuz this is "Take Your Child To Work Day". This morning, mom was all, "Last chance 2 change yr mind & spend the day @ my store!" Cha, yeah, no thanx, Ma.

Last nite was Robin's 1-yr bday celebration, @ a restaurant in Toronto called Nixie Knox. Mike, Dee, Merrie, Robin, Mira, Wilf, Gramps, Iris, Mom, Dad, & I were all there. Merrie was in a booster seat between Mike an' Dee, & Robin was in a hi-chair on Dee's other side. Mira & Wilf arrived w/a big ol' present that turned out 2 B the Leapfrog Learning Table, which lks like a really cool toy that Robin will enjoy. But rite away Mike started grumbling abt how much space it wd take up, & Dee fretted abt the noise it wd make. My mom, w/her famous smug look on her face, handed over 1 of her infamous coupons 4 "time with Grandma". Mike an' Dee totally gushed ovr it, & I felt so bad cuz it lked like Mira was rite on the verge of tears. Fortunately, Gramps cut the tension by making 1 of his jokes abt getting old & having lots of gas. My prezzie 2 Robin was a Little People School Bus. Mike was like, "Well, that's v. nice of U, but someday U shd start following Mom's xample & offer yr time." & I sed, "Nice gift horse, but let me open his mouth!" Mike was all, "U & horses again! MayB we shd C if it's on the menu!" This made that whole Mary Worth nitemare come back 2 me, & I was almost in tearz myself. My mom was all, "I swear, April, I think yr birth certificate has a typo on it. U shd B 'April Martian Patterson', not 'April Marian Patterson.'" I must have had my ultimate WTF look on my face, cuz Dad cut in with, "Oh, April, learn 2 take a joke wd U? U teenagers, U're so emotional!" I sed, "Oh, I C, it's OK 2 say NE hurtful thing as long as U l8r call it a joke? Well U know what, Dad? Dressing up in an engineer's costume, complete w/a CAP, so U can play w/yr lil choo-choo's, is LAME! Just kidding! Joke! Mom, U have been going thru menopause since 1994. I have no memory of U not having the flappa-flappa-flappa hotflashes, & mayB it's not normal 4 yr change 2 go on this long! Call Dr. Ted, already! Oh, just kidding! Take a joke! Mike, yr writing sux! Dee writes way better'n U, & she's a pharmacist. Oh, j/k!" B4 I cd go on further, Mom told me not another word fr. me 4 the rest of the nite or I lose my Gerald privileges until New Year. Gramps was all, "April, listen 2 her, she's not kidding when she gets like that!" & I just nodded quietly, cuz I know he's rite.

So I was quiet 4 the rest of the nite, yo, & that was tuff, lemme tell U! Over appetizers (Mom had 6), Ma was all, "So, Wilf, I heard the Mayeses had a v. special dinner 4 U Saturday." Wilf sed, "Yes, & it was v. touching." Mom huffed, "Well, U know the Mayeses offered 2 throw me a special dinner 2, U know, but I turned them down, saying it wd B way 2 flashy & I was 2 modest 2 accept. I saw Wilf & Mira xchange a knowing lk, but they let this pass.

Then I saw Mike totally kick Dee under the table, & 4 a sec she had a WTF lk on her face, & Mike did this lil gesture lifting his chin toward her & glancing @ Dee's 'rents. Then she got an "Oh, rite" lk on her face & she sed, "Mom! Dad! Wasn't Mike's 'neighbour' article in The Clarion hysterically funny?" & Mira said, "I'm sorry, but it sort of made me feel sorry for the neighbours", and Wilf said, "It was awfully one-sided!" Mike was all, "It was only meant 2 B a humourous exposé, not a journalistic retelling of our conflict". And Wilf said, "But when U use the word 'exposé', doesn't that connote a journalistic piece which, albeit done in a humourous fashion, should still abide by journalistic standards?" And here, my mom cut in with, "You just don't understand how a genius thinx!" And Wilf was all, "Yes, I guess I don't."

When Dee ordered chili for Robin, Mira was, like, "Isn't that 2 spicy 4 a 1yo?" And Dee was like, "Mom, U R so culturally myopic, which isn't surprising, as you come from a homogeneous family situation. But I learned in Hondoras that babies can eat just about NEthing we do, w/the caveat that U still need 2 introduce new foods 1 @ a time in case of allergiez & sensitivies. I have an article I'd be happy 2 4ward 2 U." & Mira was like, "No thanx, dear, never mind!"

Gramps felt bad that I cdn't talk during dinner, so he started 2 pass me notes. "Don't worry, April, 4 yrs is a short time, & then U can get out of that madhouse!" I had 2 tuck the notes away fast 2 keep Mom fr. intercepting. Fortunately, having lots & lots of food in front of her slows her down abt these things.

I'll post more deets abt the dinner if I think of NEthing else. This post is getting way 2 long! BTW, sum foax e-mailed me & sed "I thought U & Becky were in the same French class. U posted abt her falling asleep while conjugating verbs." U C, I was getting 100% on my essays & tests, so my mom stuck in her big navet nose & insisted I B switched 2 honours French, 5th period. Whatta drag!

NEway, Dad's yelling that it's time 4 us 2 leave 4 work!

Apes