Enter Mr. (W)Right
Yeah, so Gary was telling Liz what a stupendously gr8 idea it was 2 have the star shindiggie, such fun, blahblahblah, when who shows up? The Gallant Constable Paul Wright with the Rx sunglasses mom purposely accidentally left @ the station in Otter County. Now, Liz has been xpecting this 2 happen NE day now, but she decided 2 play it like she had no idea what he was on abt delivering sunglasses out of the blue like that. She says he seemed a bit flustered & was all "I just wanted 2 give U these. Now. I mean . . . as soon as possible." So, yeah, Liz has met Mr. (W)Right. My fam will luv that since they adore puns more than life itself, more than the souls of their children. But my mom doesn't luv 'em as much as she luvs baked goods.
U know, the more I think abt it, the more pissed I am that Mike showed Mom how 2 snoop on my IM transcripts. Yeah, I can totally get around that, but still, it really bugs. Do U think I shd B all helpful 2, & show Ma how 2 access Mike's v. special fanfic? Nah, I'd better not. She'd either (a) blame me somehow or (b) say that all genius writers do a lil bad slash 2 help them unwind after a hard day ofhiding from sacrificing for their families.
Well, after yesterday, I M pretty sure I never wanna B a dentist. & my Dad's associate? Eliot Everett? I usta think he was a total morsel, but U know how some1's personality can make the person seem more or less cute? With EE, it's def. less. He just overdoes that faux-Keanu surfer-d00d-dentist thing. & I totally refuse 2 call him E-squared. Do like me & call him 2E, or Tooey (rhymes w/Huey), LOL!
Apes
U know, the more I think abt it, the more pissed I am that Mike showed Mom how 2 snoop on my IM transcripts. Yeah, I can totally get around that, but still, it really bugs. Do U think I shd B all helpful 2, & show Ma how 2 access Mike's v. special fanfic? Nah, I'd better not. She'd either (a) blame me somehow or (b) say that all genius writers do a lil bad slash 2 help them unwind after a hard day of
Well, after yesterday, I M pretty sure I never wanna B a dentist. & my Dad's associate? Eliot Everett? I usta think he was a total morsel, but U know how some1's personality can make the person seem more or less cute? With EE, it's def. less. He just overdoes that faux-Keanu surfer-d00d-dentist thing. & I totally refuse 2 call him E-squared. Do like me & call him 2E, or Tooey (rhymes w/Huey), LOL!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:48 AM
20 Comments:
At 9:25 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dammit! I go throo all dat trouble. I got my Aunt Marg to call people. I got Phil Goulais to give free hot chocolate and marshmallows. I got Dakota to bring his cook stove. I got Gary Crane to say, “Wow! Who’d have thought that a school outing could be so much fun! –Good idea, Liz!” After all dat, I think my favoritest teacher in the whole world will figger it was me dat did all dat for her. Then she will see I am her true love and fall into my arms.
What happens? She says, “Thanks, Gary” and hogs all the credit. Then this retard police officer shows up with sunglasses for her even though it’s night. Sunglasses at night! How can my favoritest teacher like stupid idiots?
At 10:11 AM,
April Patterson said…
jesse, u are v. v. young. find a nice lil girl yr own age. b friends w/her, & mayB when u r older u can d8. or mayB by then, u will meet a diff girl u want 2 d8, cuz u don't hafta marry some1 u meet while u r in grade school.
apes
At 11:03 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
What's the weater like where you are? The sun is out here. The reason I ask is because I was wondering if the sun came out for you in the last two months. I wore my sunglasses out today, the sun was that bright here! If I had lost my sunglasses two months ago, like your mom, I would have gotten a new pair by now. Especially if mine were prescription, which they're not. Has your mom gotten a new pair or has she been anxious about Liz calling to see if anyone might have dropped them off?
Anywho. I joined a new club recently ... I really like it, the people are nice and it's fun and funny. But I don't know. I'm thinking about ditching. I just don't buy it ... And I think all the niceness is going to my head. I could be feeling this way because I didn't have enough coffee this morning.
-A
At 11:19 AM,
April Patterson said…
liz, i can hardly w8 2 hear more abt this paul guy, even w/the punniness of his name. i just fear what dad will do w/it 1ce he gets ahold of it in his scaree puntastic brain, iykwim.
a, that club sounds cube. abt my mom & the sunglasses, she keeps sayin' stuff abt patience paying off. then she "borrows" 1 of my pairs of sunglasses & wears 'em on top of her regular glasses. if u guess that lks st00pid, u r rite!
apes
At 11:32 AM,
Anonymous said…
OMG! You're not serious!
My Sunday paper always has a 50% off coupon on prescription sunglasses, I will totally send it your way! Have you ever been seen with her when she's done this!? OMG!
-A
At 11:40 AM,
April Patterson said…
lol, yeah, i've seen her, but then i cross the st 2 the other side & hope she didn't c me.
mom knows abt the coupons, but she's all, "i'll be damned if i'm gonna spend ne $ on new rx sunglasses when i just know the old 1's r gonna make their way back 2 me. it's fate!" freak.
apes
At 1:11 PM,
April Patterson said…
martha mcrae! i meant 2 say that it soundz like becky's dad made a d8 w/ martha mcrae! i had martha moxley in my braid cuz jean baker was watching a true-crime documentary abt her yesterday @ my dad's practice. it's a pretty weird thing 2 have on the tv in a dentist's reception area, but i guess my dad pretty much lets jean watch whatev she wants.
apes
At 2:00 PM,
April Patterson said…
aw, becks, that "frigid" thing is just dr. f's theory. & think of all the other thingz he got wrong in his lil presentation!
but u r rite abt the hottness of the billy post. lizzie, go ahead & post us yr gd deets when u have ne!
apes
At 5:13 PM,
April Patterson said…
ok, then mayB u can do undetailed versions, lol!
gerald didn't hafta work @ megafood this afternoon, & he decided he wanted 2 hang out @ the store. "i wish 2 watch my delicate april flower assisting customers." so he did! he actually sat in a chair & watched me work! then, whenever i was close 2 him, he'd whisper abt how sexy i am when i'm "doing retail." after a while, moira sed i shd take a break so ger & i cd get out & abt a bit b4 she had 2 douse him w/cold water.
we went 2 the bakeshop & ger bought me a danish. mrs. m. sed we'd just missed becky. "she probably is out getting sum of that chocolate-coloured luv," she sed.
ger told me he'd had a fite w/his dad abt schlanger. ger was all disgusted abt what jeremy saw schlanger do @ the sperm bank & he sed he nev. wanted 2 c the doc again. but dr. f was all, "u can't blame the man 4 being prolific"! well, i've gotta go, customer!
apes
At 5:38 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hey Jesse! Man! I can totally understand you having a thing for you teacher! I am like totally crushing on my school guidance counselor. The other day I fantasised that...um...well, never mind. But really you need to get over it dude.
Hey Becky when are we gonna jam together? Maybe Friday night or something? Or have you totally gone off on guys named Jeremy all together.
The nicer, sweeter, gentler Jeremy,
Jeremy Duncan
At 7:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
jeremy duncan. dude. u shud know how hard it iz 2 say nething 'round a girl, w/o her goin' off on u. stick w/sara, dude. it's safer.
At 7:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
Jeremy Jones. Dude I'm just looking for someone totally cube to jam with. Sara would totally be in the house with us. My friend Pierce will be there though and maybe he and the Beckster would get along. Maybe not. But he'd never call her fat that's fer sure!
The rad and rockin Jeremy,
Jeremy Duncan
At 8:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
jeremy duncan. dude. duzn't ur friend pierce alreddy have a gf named d'ijon? 'bout that fat thing, i keep on sayin' this & nobody hearz me. the TO club guyz sed becks wuz not skinney enuf, not me. i wuz just stupid enuf 2 tell becks wut they sed. dude. if ur gf sara duzn't go off on u netime u say "fat" or "w8" 'round her, ur 1 lucky dude.
At 8:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
Jeremy Jones. Dude! P and D are not Richandamy. They're not like Sara and I either. They get to be on the outs sometimes. This week they're outs.
Hey dude anyways most of the time I'm smart enough not to call Sara anything but beautiful. And number dos ya gotta understand that the Beckster is in the entertainment biz. There's a lot of pressure for her to have a total lollypop head. You and I both know that a woman with some nice curves is optimal, but that's not what that Britney Spears is telling us. I think Becky is way cooler than Britney Spears, and dresses way better too.
At 9:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
jeremy duncan. dude. ur so rite. britney spears nevah set me on fire, but she still scarez me more than becks.
At 9:44 PM,
howard said…
April,
An interesting thing happened at the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant this evening, that I thought you might want to hear about. Your mother and father came in for dinner with a couple that I met for the first time at Brenda Starr’s party, Anne and Steve Nichols. As they came in the door, your dad was saying to your mom, “Elly take off those sunglasses. You look ridiculous wearing them on top of your regular glasses.” And your mom said, “The time is almost right for me to remove them. Elizabeth met the policeman with whom I ‘accidentally’ left them.” And then she giggled to herself.
I sat them at their table and Anne said, “What are you talking about a policeman and Elizabeth?”
Elly said, “Well, the last time I drove with my Elizabeth up to Mtigwaki, where she teaches all those nice native kids, she went on and on the whole drive about how she wasn’t going to be the ‘other woman’ for Anthony Caine and wait for him to leave his wife. I was disappointed of course, but I ran into this nice native policeman on the trip back, who would be just right for her. I showed him a couple of pictures, made sure he knew her name and where she lived, and then sort of ‘left’ my prescription sunglasses there. Well nothing happened right away, so I did that advertising campaign for Elizabeth just to make sure. Then today, I was reading April’s IM history on the computer and saw that the policeman showed up in Mtigwaki with the glasses. As soon as I get mine back, these glasses will go off.”
Anne said, “I hope I don’t go through the same trouble with my Leah. She wants to be a teacher, too, working on her degree in Early Childhood Education. She has had a hard time finding men, since she has her unusual manual extremities.”
John said, "Oh, I am sure she will have someone wrapped around her finger soon enough."
Elly said, "John, please."
Steve said, “Did I hear you correctly? You left prescription sunglasses at a police station in order to set your daughter up with a policeman? What happens, if he just throws them in the trash?”
Elly said, “Oh Steve, there are so many things you do not know. A policeman would never do that. He would feel that it’s his obligation to get those sunglasses back to me, no matter the cost, particularly since he is a native policeman. Those natives are born with the ability to track things.”
Steve said, “I don’t think I have had the same experiences with natives or the police that you have had.”
After they made their food order, your mother and Anne Nichols went to the ladies room. As they passed by me, I heard this conversation:
Elly said, “Anne, I hope you don’t think I am being forward saying this, but the cologne Steve is wearing smells fantastic, like fresh-baked pastries with a hint of cinnamon.”
Anne said, “Oh, Elly. You and your pastries. I sometimes think the only reason we get along so well is because I am the catering manager at the Empire Hotel. I did find some white powder in Steve’s clothes the other night, when I was doing my nightly inspection of them for lipstick. I thought it was drugs, but when I tasted the powder to see, it tasted like flour.”
As I served them their food, I heard this conversation:
John said, “April overreacts to everything now. She cries easily, and you never know when she will take offense to something you said, especially when you are just kidding her. You should have seen her at her nephew’s birthday party. It was more exciting than watching the soap operas on afternoon television, not that I get to do that, since I am working all day and don’t spend time looking at the televisions in my office.”
Elly said, “It's a strange situation to be in; I can't understand what April's saying half the time. I rely on Liz and Mike to translate the teen angst into English for me. Here, let me show you the list Mike made for me.” She pulled out a sheet of paper and read:
How was your day, mom? = The principal caught Gerald checking out my barrette again.
I got an A in English = You are the stupidest mom ever
I got an A in French = I am going to move to Quebec, and will speak only French for the rest of my life.
You look nice today = You are so ugly and old it scares me to look at you.
Can I go to Gerald’s house to jam? = Gerald and I are doing it in his garage.
Gerald and I would like to go out on a date this weekend = Gerald and I are planning to conceive a child out of wedlock
That’s my favourite music = I picked this music because it has a subliminal message that will make you do my will.
Don’t you think you’ve had enough to eat? = I am going to slowly starve you to death and then run off with the insurance money.
I don’t mind working at Lilliput’s tonight = I hate you, I hate you, I hate you
This school uniform isn’t bad.= I am looking forward to a life in women’s prison.
Steve said, “Mike wrote that? He’s really non compos mentis.”
Elly said, “Thank you. We are so proud of our Mike’s writing.”
John said, “Yes, Mike is really our ‘teens’-lator.”
Anne said, “Wow! April is really different from your other two. And I thought you had it bad when Michael wrecked your car and Elizabeth went bar hopping during their teenage years.”
Elly said, “Yes, sometimes April turns into a surly creature that we barely recognize. When Liz and Mike had their moments of teenage evil, at least they were still recognizable.”
John said, “When that happens we say, ‘Surly, you are not our daughter.’”
Elly said, “John, please.”
That was all I overheard. They mentioned you a lot, so I thought you might want to know that.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 10:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I hope you comes to Mtigwaki, April. We coud have fun playin. Do you wanna kitten?
At 11:14 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
It's so nice to know my old friends are getting along so well and learning proper etiquette. It brings a warmness to my heart to hear such a touching story. It almost makes up for my disappointment that your mom is dating Steve Nichols. I thought I recognized that flour in his hair. I cannot imagine what she will do to him, when she finds out he is married on Saturday. I would love to watch to find out.
Sunday is when we are going to your house for our party celebrating my freedom from charges. I don't have any problem with Jeremy Duncan or any of his friends being there, so long as your mom is not there. Jeremy Duncan, if you are reading this, come on over. Our parties are always fun and usually end up with one or more of us in the hospital.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 11:25 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I am surprised your mom would agree to be the "other woman." I guess after dealing with your dad and his "other women and men," she might be interested in seeing how the other half lives.
I would love to help out at the bakery on Saturday to see it go down. Tell me when, and I can get Fiona Brass to cover for me at Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant long enough to do that.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 2:32 AM,
howard said…
Becky,
I don't think I can get Fiona Brass to cover me for 4+ hours, so if it's OK with you, I will show up shortly before the tasting begins.
As for your mom, I don't understand her at all sometimes, particularly in this situation with Anne and Steve Nichols. Becky, I am so proud of you for being able to handle the kind of stuff that your mother does.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
Post a Comment
<< Home