Yup, still have zits!
B4 I went 2 Gramps's & Iris's yesterday, I had 2 pack up a few thingz 4 the wkend, & while I was washing up in the bathroom, I got all obsessed w/those zits & I was, like, pickin' @ 'em, which I know I totally shdn't do, but sumtymz, it's just hard 2 resist. Mom, of course, had 2 B all on my case asking me what was takin' so long, like Y wasn't she @ the store pretending 2 work? Nag, nag, nag: "R U poking @ yrself in the mirror again?" & "You're only going 2 make yr skin worse!" & I'm all, "Pls leave me alone!" So she's all, "Ok. I'll leave U alone." (Thank God!) & then I'm like crying & thinking ">SNIFF< . . . I wish I could leave me alone!!" Which was weird, cuz I've never actually thought ">SNIFF<" B4, that I can remember NEway, & also, I've got ellipses in my thoughts? WTF?
So, yeah, I totally overreacted 2 the pimples on my forehead, but I'm not used 2 getting them, & not so bad &, like, nuclear. Tho I make myself feel a bit better by lookin' @ the pix of Mike when he had the big honkin' zit on his nose that made him wanna send Gordo in his place 2 take Tracey 2 the school dance. LOL! Now that was a ZIT!
So, Becky, Gerald, Howard & Brenda have been studying a v. interesting set of filez that Becks managed 2 copy when she was in Dr. Ted' office cleaning. Which she had 2 do cuz his mommy usta do that 4 him, yo! & it seemz that while he's d8ing Becky's mom, Becks hasta B almost a lil mommy 4 him. But NEway. . . .
Alex & Jeremy had, like, a not-Date 2 C hockey w/her 'rents along. @ least it soundz like every1 got home unhurt. Tho Alex's dad, who can't seem 2 remember her name, tried 2 get Jeremy 2 think she's not in2 boyz, which I think Jeremy can C is a lie. & meanwhile her mom was totally trying 2 get her 2 hook up w/sum other guy, who was there mackin' w/a girl? 'Rents! I'll never understand 'em!
So I'm still @ Gramps & Iris's. I haven't decided yet whether I'll go home this evening or tomorrow or even just go directly fr. here 2 school Monday. I have no idea how my Mom's social-worker thing went yesterday--she wdn't talk abt it when I was home getting my thingz & picking my zits. MayB sum1 overheard stuff @ the restaurant or hair salon or bakeshop?
Apes out
So, yeah, I totally overreacted 2 the pimples on my forehead, but I'm not used 2 getting them, & not so bad &, like, nuclear. Tho I make myself feel a bit better by lookin' @ the pix of Mike when he had the big honkin' zit on his nose that made him wanna send Gordo in his place 2 take Tracey 2 the school dance. LOL! Now that was a ZIT!
So, Becky, Gerald, Howard & Brenda have been studying a v. interesting set of filez that Becks managed 2 copy when she was in Dr. Ted' office cleaning. Which she had 2 do cuz his mommy usta do that 4 him, yo! & it seemz that while he's d8ing Becky's mom, Becks hasta B almost a lil mommy 4 him. But NEway. . . .
Alex & Jeremy had, like, a not-Date 2 C hockey w/her 'rents along. @ least it soundz like every1 got home unhurt. Tho Alex's dad, who can't seem 2 remember her name, tried 2 get Jeremy 2 think she's not in2 boyz, which I think Jeremy can C is a lie. & meanwhile her mom was totally trying 2 get her 2 hook up w/sum other guy, who was there mackin' w/a girl? 'Rents! I'll never understand 'em!
So I'm still @ Gramps & Iris's. I haven't decided yet whether I'll go home this evening or tomorrow or even just go directly fr. here 2 school Monday. I have no idea how my Mom's social-worker thing went yesterday--she wdn't talk abt it when I was home getting my thingz & picking my zits. MayB sum1 overheard stuff @ the restaurant or hair salon or bakeshop?
Apes out
posted by April Patterson @ 9:45 AM
19 Comments:
At 10:50 AM,
Anonymous said…
april. i called alexandra 2c if she thot of sumthing we cud do w/o her ‘rents. sum voice i don’t know answered the fone & sed, “who r u?” i sed i wuz callin’ 4 alexandra. she sed, “oh u must b that boy germany.” i sed, “jeremy”. she sed, “whatevah. here’s alexandra.” so i sed 2 alexandra, “did u think of nething?” she sed no. she’s gonna c the milton icehawks play the oakville blades @ oakville twin arenas at 7:30 w/her family including her snotty sis this tyme. i sed, “i bot my milton icehawks jersey last nite, so i cud go if u want me 2 go & not embarrass u like last nite.” alexandra, “are sure u wanna go? not alexandra will be there & my whole family.” i sed, “not alexandra? is that ur sis?” she sed yes. i sed, “that’s a cube nickname. i don’t care if she’z there, slong az ur there.” then alexandra’s voice sounded a little funny & she sed she wud ask her ‘rents. it’s an away game so they buy their tickets @the door. her dad got on the fone & sed, "we'll pick u up & remember wut i sed 'bout touchin'. that meanz both of my girlz. got it?" i sed yes. 2 nites w/alexandra n a row. sweet.
At 11:47 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I don't care what you say, you have the coolest family in all of Milborough. Your *mom* might ask you if you're poking at your face again but this was my morning.
After Jeremy called I decided to shower, I know it's late but I got home late and slept in and I'm a slow mover and no one had coffee made so I was moving even slower than usual. So I decided to shower and after showering I thought I'd use the quiet time after the shower to "clean up". So I was in the bathroom for a long time and my snotty sister comes to the door and yells, "Allie! Are you 'thinking' about that boy Germany?!" and I'm, "No! Shut up! And it's JEREMY!" And then she's, "Mommmmmm! Allie's thinking of that boy!" and I'm, "I am not! I'm trying to clean up." Then my dad comes to the door, he's, "What are you doing in there?!" And I'm, "Nothing! Will you leave me alone, PLEASE!?" And now my mom's at the door. "Alex, are you shaving!? This boy is not shaving material!!"
I hear my dad stomp away and I just know my sister is standing there all happy with her stupid self for getting me in trouble. My dad yells out from the computer room, "Amber! How do you spell chastity and is 'chastity belt' one or two words?'
April, I envy you right now.
Alex
At 12:33 PM,
April Patterson said…
ugh, soundz like torture, alex! hey, mayB yr dad oughta talk 2 gerald's dad. he's so, like, the opposite of yr dad when it comes 2 teen sex, mayB he'd bring yr dad around 2 sumthin' like happy medium, eh?
gramps, iris, & i had brunch at mayes midtown motors restaurant. howard, yr french toast is 2 die 4! :)
apes
At 1:10 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, I'm sorry it's taken me until now to post. Your mother did, indeed, have an appointment yesterday evening for a "bun polishing." She had crumbs all around her mouth and down her front, and she pointed at them and said, "Pastry therapy! What a day I've had, nicenativegirl! What kind of a world is it that you can't give your children some slightly expired yet still nutritious food without having to lay your soul bare to some meddling social worker?"
I made some sympathetic noises and gave her a damp washcloth to wipe the crumbs off her face. She misunderstood and blew her potato nose with it. "Thank you, nicenativegirl, but next time, please remember that a hanky should be dry until after you use it!" And she laughed with her tongue sticking out. She asked where she should put the "hanky", and I pointed to the trash can. Wouldn't you?
So while I polished her bun, she told me that the social worker gave her a bunch of pamphlets on food safety and asked many questions about her attitudes and feelings toward you, April. She said, "But I don't want to get into it further, nicenativegirl, since I'm all talked out from my dinner with the girls and my 'pastry therapy' with my dear friend Krystle."
Anyway, that was that!
Marjee
At 1:15 PM,
April Patterson said…
Thanks, Marjee, for your report! Yeah, I totally woulda had Mom throw away that "hanky", cuz ew!
BTW, @ the brunch, I didn't get 2 C much of Howard, cuz he was so busy. He sed he was juggling thingz a bit so he cd get away w/Brenda 4 that Corbeil rdtrip they've been discussing. He sed he'd report on what he knew abt Mom's dinner as soon as he has time 4 "a breather".
apes
p.s. u mite remember that when i 1st posted fr. gramps's place yesterday, i sed i hadn't spoken 2 ma. so u mite b wondering wtf abt the whole zit thing yesterday afternoon. sorry, peeps, i'd, like, totally blocked that out!
At 3:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I just got off the phone with Jeremy. My mom wants to stop and do some shopping before we go to the game. I had to see if it was alright if I picked him up early. This is basically how the conversation went.
Me: Hi.
Jeremy: Hey.
Me: Um. My mom wants do go shopping before the game.
Jeremy: Okay.
Me: That means we have to pick you up early.
Jeremy: Okay.
Me: It's, like, shopping for stuff for the house. Like, um, soap, and ... Stuff.
Jeremy: Okay.
Me: You know you don't really have to go. If you don't want to. We can do something else at another time. Like, um, something. And I'll see you on Monday.
Jeremy: No! I mean, don't you want me to go?
Me: I don't care.
Jeremy: Oh.
Me: No, I mean, I want you to go if you want to go but if you don't want to go than I don't care. I mean, if you ... You know what I mean?
Jeremy: No.
Me: Oh.
Jeremy: I don't have to go.
Me: No, I want you to go.
Jeremy: Okay.
Me: Unless you don't want to go.
Jeremy: No, I want to go.
Me: Okay. And you're okay with going shopping first?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Me: Okay.
Jeremy: Cube.
Me: Yeah. So we'll pick you up at, like, five or so.
Jeremy: Okay.
Me: And we'll eat at the game.
Jeremy: Okay.
So ... Now we have to stop and go shopping for ... Stuff for the house ... First. The only good thing about this is my mom said if everything goes okay at the store I can sit next to Jeremy during the game.
I'm really worried.
Alex
At 4:09 PM,
April Patterson said…
well, i hope everything goez ok @ the store. & yr mom doesn't try 2 hook u up w/ne1 @ the game. & yr dad doesn't try 2 scare jeremy again!
iris is being all, "lucky u 4 having zits, april. acne goez w/youth!" gah, the thingz odefoax say 2 make yung 'uns feel better. she had her friend may over 4 tea & she was, like, "look @ april's acne. isn't it darling?" i ran away in2 the bathroom & splashed witch hazel on my face ovr & ovr again 4 abt 2 mins. i used like half a bottle. i'm going 2 ger's house 4 a lil while around 5. he sez he misses me & has sum "hott stuff" he wants 2 read 2 me.
apes
At 5:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear friends,
Becky, I am sorry if I got you into trouble. I didn't mean to. Please don't kill me.
Advice for my friends: boys who use lotion should avoid Jergens cellulite-reducing formula. It reduces other things as well.
Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 5:13 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, peeps, i m writing this fr. gerald's rm! b4 i got here, ger sent me a txt saying, "my darling daffodil! do not ring the doorbell when u arrive! instead, throw a pebble @ my window, & i will lower my fire ladder." so i did & he did & i climbed & here i am. he told me, "i've rescued the xploits of beatrice alfarero fr. the file that dad confiscated fr. me. u have got 2 hear this!" he's abt 2 start. "april, stop posting, this is juicee!" uh-oh, sum1's knocking on his bedrm door!
apes
At 5:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
Becky and Co,
Howard is ummmmmmm passed out on the couch. I'm on my way to Becky's house. If you want to be outside waiting I'll help you escape. I'll swing by Gerald's along the way. We'll go back to Howard's house and hopefully wake him up and figure out what to do from there....Unless someone has a better idea.
Worriedly,
Brenda
At 5:41 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i was in krystle's kakes & pies yesterday evening. there was sum guy working there, pretty cute looking. neway, i was in there buying sum cookiez for my gramps, cuz he luvs cookiez. while i was deciding which cookiez 2 buy, yr mom flew in lking really upset. she's all, "where's my pal krystle mcguire?"
man behind the counter: she's off-duty right now, ma'am. may i help u?
mrs. patterson: i'm elly patterson, and. . . ."
mbtc say no more, miz patterson, i've got an "elly patterson" special set aside rite here.
he ducked behind the counter & pulled out this gigantic pastry box, like sumthing u'd xpect 2 c 4 an office party. yr mom paid 4 it & the opened it up. it had like two dozen each of ten different kinds of pastries, & yr mom just stood there & scarfed it like livestock @ a trough! she didn't even bother 2 wipe the crumbs fr. her mouth & shirt!
b4 she left, she was all, "oh, keesha! i didn't even notice u standing there! pls give yr mother my regards! & tell her, whatever she does, she shdn't try 2 feed u ne xpired food. & if u want 2 buy cafeteria food, she shd give u lunch money." i'm like, "rite, ok." then she was all, "& tell her 2 steer clear of that nosy philandrea lake. obviously being the mother of a nice, special-needs girl hasn't taught her nething! trying 2 act like i don't luv my daughter, the one i had by mistake!" then she got all teary & left!
keesh
At 5:57 PM,
April Patterson said…
so that was ger's mom knocking on the door. ger was all, "april! hide under my bed!" so i was, like, trying 2 slide under the bed, but ger's got all these magz & empty lotion tubes & there wasn't enuf room. so, like, while i was trying 2 wiggle under, his mom pushed open the door & was all, "april patterson! stand up!" so i did. & ger's dad musta heard (duh!) so he popped his head in the door & he was, like, "april! r u trying 2 overcome yr frigid patterson heredity? gd 4 u! let's clear out of here so these kidz can go roadside & my boy can be sexually xceptional!"
ger's mom clocked dr. f. in the head & was all, "aloysius, u arse! will u try 2 have sum compassion 4 other teens' parents 4 a change & stop being such a perv?"
dr. f.: not my kid, not my prob--
mrs. f.: enuf! that attitude is just sick! & u know what? gerald is our problem, & yr disgusting attempts 2 push him in2 premature sex r going 2 warp him 4 life!
dr. f.: i happen 2 b a well-regarded psychoanalyst!
mrs. f.: yeah, well, it's alwayz the shrinks' kids that r all screwed up beyond belief. & u know what? i'm gonna stop being so passive abt all yr crayzeeness! now, april patterson, i'd like 2 get 2 know u properly, so y don't u come by 4 supper a week from 2day? gerald's gotten himself in2 a spot of trouble, u know.
ger: but mom. . . .
mrs. f.: i don't want 2 hear fr. u rite now, gerald millicent delaney-forsythe!
dr. f.: now, i won't have u. . . .
mrs. f: oh, go read yr deviant psych texts! april, i think u shd go now, but pls do come over next saturday, 5:30 pm.
me: yes, mrs. forsythe.
mrs. f.: and u can use the door this time.
so i'm back @ gramps & iris's place. we've been screening callz cuz no1 here feels like talking 2 my mom. who has left, like 5 messages.
apes
At 6:13 PM,
April Patterson said…
i just got a call on my cell fr. alex. i knew it wasn't my mom cuz she can't bring herself 2 memorize my cell #. alex was like, "i've gotta make this quick cuz if my dad catches me, he's taking this phone away! i'm calling on jeremy's phone cuz mine can't b trusted!"
so i'm all, "ok, 'sup?" & she's like, "everything was going so well b4 my dad starting daring not-alex 2 flirt w/jeremy! i can't believe my family! well, i'd better go! sucks, sucks, sucks!"
neway, i hope thingz get better!
apes
At 6:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
april. i’m done w/alexandra & her sis & her ‘rents shoppin’. i got my cell back frum her mom, so i cud post this.
wen they picked me up, alexandra’s sis wuz sayin’, “hey, germany. alexandra shaved 4u.” alexandra sed, “i did not shave! i'm wuz just cleanin’ up. i wudn’t shave for germany, no jeremy. now u got me sayin’ it. i’m all hairy. not shaved. just clean.” alexandra’s sis sed, “u big liar. u shaved.” & then they were sorta wrestling 2gethuh. alexandra’s sis wuz tryin’ 2 pull off alexandra’s clothes where she thot alexandra had shaved. i wuz getting kinda excited wen alexandra’s mom popped them both ‘cross the head & told them 2 b-have. she hits hard.
we got 2 the store where alexandra’s mom wunted 2 buy house stuff. i thot it wud be like a grocery store or furniture store, but it wuz a sports store. alexandra’s mom bot soap shaped like a hockey puck, maple leafs matching towels, a don cherry bobble head doll, maple leafs table & chairs & sum maple leafs plastik tumblerz. while she wuz shoppin’ alexandra sed 2 me, “jeremy, i need 2 talk 2 u.” i sed ok & we went 2 the back of the store. then she sed, “i rilly didn’t shave 4u.” i sed, “ok.” then she sed, “ur not mad i didn’t shave 4u, cuz i wud’ve shaved 4u, xxcept my snotty sis wuz @the door sayin’ i wuz shavin’ 4u, so then i cudn’t shave 4u, cuz then she wud b rite.” i sed, “ok” she sed, “that’s not an answer 2 my question” i sed, “sorry. wut wuz the question?” she sed, “ur rude. i don’t like u. u didn’t lissen 2 wut i sed.” i sed, “u sed u didn’t shave 4 me, cuz of ur sis, rite?” she sed, “rite, but i asked u if u were mad @me 4 not shaving 4u.” i sed, “oh, sorry. not mad.” she sed, “ru sure ur not mad?” i sed yes. she sed, “ur not gonna think i’m like this hairy thing ru?” i sed no. she sed, “do u like girlz betta who r shaved or not shaved?” i sed, “i like u. not sum bald girl.” alexandra sed, “i think i’m gonna kiss u now.” i sed ok. she gave me this big long kiss & her sis saw us & sed, “moooom. allie & germany r kissin’” next thing i no, i am pushed up ‘gainst the wall by alexandra’s dad & he sez, “what did i tell u ‘bout u & my daughter?” i sed, “don’t touch her?” he sed, “that’s rite & wut were u doin’ w/her?” i sed, “kissin’?” he sed, “that’s rite &…w8 a minute. blast it. i didn’t say no kissin’. all rite, no touchin’ & no kissin’. got it?” i sed, “yes, sir.” i liked kissin’ alexandra, but her dad is rilly scary. i hope i live thru the nite, cuz i rilly wanna kiss alexandra agin.
so then n the car, alexandra's dad puts me rite nbetween alexandra & her sis n the back seat & he starts sayin', "u just go ahead & try 2 flirt w/my daughter. i'm watchin' u." alexandra wuz gettin' mad cuz she thot he wuz talkin' 'bout me & her sis, when he wuz rilly talkin' 'bout both of them. Well, he almos' hit sumbody, so alexandra's mom sed, "watch the road. i'll watch germany." so i'm sittin' nbetween alexandra & her sis, tryin' rilly hard not 2 touch them. i can't w8 2 get 2 the game.
At 7:23 PM,
howard said…
April,
Brenda stopped by the restaurant a little embarrassed. She said, “Oh Howard darling, I thought you were still unconscious after the things I did to you last night, but I should’ve known a man with your stamina and work ethic would be here. I mistook some rumpled sheets, body pillows, and an eye patch for you.” I said, “Brenda, you make it difficult for a man to get up for work, but I knew I had to make arrangements for our trip to Corbeil. I have been cooking like mad and showing Tracey how to run things for me in the restaurant on Monday, when we are in Corbeil. We will leave tomorrow on my day off and meet the Johnston Institute people on Monday morning. Just as we planned.”
At this point, Tracey Mayes came in and said, “Brenda Starr. If I wasn’t a lady, I would have many bad words for you. You are leading Howard to his death. He wouldn’t be making this trip, if it weren’t for you. You have no idea how powerful the people are you’re planning to meet.” Then she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Howard. What can I say to make you reconsider? I tried so hard to keep the Johnston Institute people from paying attention to you. If you go up there, they are going to notice and there’s nothing I will be able to do to help you.” I said to Tracey, “The good straight men of Milborough have a right to know why they are being aged. We got some information last night indirectly from Dr. McCaulay, but it doesn’t answer all the questions.” Tracey said, “That’s Dr. McCauley. Howard, I know you think you are doing the right thing, but think of your promised, April. What is she going to do for a back-up gay? You don’t want to leave her destitute, do you?” I said, “Tracey. Don’t worry, I’ll be back. We are just going to ask a few questions. Nothing more than that. Brenda has even made an appointment for us. It is totally nonthreatening.” Tracey said, “You are so naive Howard. I suppose there’s no talking you out of it?” I said no. She said, “All right then. I guess I need to put up a sign for a new cook. I’ll miss you Howard.” She gave me a really tight hug and she went into the kitchen crying.
I said to Brenda, “Not that I don’t want to see you, but why are you here?” Brenda said, “Becky’s in trouble, Dr. Forsythe found some copies of the McCaulay files that Gerald had and told Dr. McCaulay who suspects Becky and us, because that {bad word} Krystle told him that we were at Becky’s house last night. We need to get into my car, pick up Gerald and rescue Becky.” I said, “That’s McCauley. Brenda darling, don’t take this wrong way, but I think that is overreacting a little. Let me make a few phone calls and this will get fixed right up.” So I called Becky’s house and got Krystle McGuire and she started yelling at me, “Howard. You ruined my life. I was going to marry a doctor and now that’s completely over.” I said to Krystle, “Is Dr. McCauley still there?” She said yes. I said, “Then it’s not completely over. May I speak to Dr. McCauley?” Krystle said, “You’re right. He is still here. And if he’s still here, there are things a woman can do. Hmm! I’ll put him on.” So, then Dr. McCauley got on the phone and said, “Mr. Kelpfroth. I demand that you return those files at once. Theft of medical records is a federal offence.” I said, “I’m sending Brenda Starr right over with them. I afraid Becky has been playing a little joke on you, because she said that’s the sort of thing your mother always liked to do to you.” Dr. McCauley said, “Oh mother. She was quite the scamp sometimes. You say Becky was trying to bring back fond memories of mother? She didn’t say that before, but perhaps we didn’t give her the chance.” I said, “Could I speak to Becky please?” He said, “Oh, certainly. I didn’t realize that Becky was so kind-hearted until just now. Now that I think about it, she does look a little like mother. I wonder if she would be willing to wear a gray wig?” Then Becky was on the phone and said, “What’s up Howie?” I told Becky that Brenda would be over with the files, but not to worry because Brenda had already made a second copy. I also told her to pretend that the whole thing was a practical joke, and the other details of my conversation with Dr. McCauley.” Becky was confused, but agreed. Then I said to Brenda, “Did you catch all of that, sweetheart?” Brenda said, “Well, Howard, I do prefer high adventure, but seeing how you handled this situation has brought me to new levels of appreciation. After you get off work, I am going to show you some of those new levels.”
Well, I am really anxious to get off work, but I have so much to do. I know you want to hear about your mom’s dinner here the other night, and if you are still interested, I will post it later. I am really busy right now getting ready for the trip.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 7:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
Becky and Co,
Oh yes it is so true. I love high adventure and I tend to make things more complicated than they have to be. The truth be told I am a little caught up with the events with Chef Cheese to think clearly about any current situation.
I'm so embarrassed. I thought Howard was sleeping. There is even snoring on the bed, but now that I think about it, it's probably Patch snoring away. Darn dog!
I've got the files gathered together and I had to make sure I look my best when facing Becky's mother, but first I need to stop by the store and buy some twine for Howard's new level.
Becky, if your out there, batton down the hatches! I'll be on my way ASAP.
Oh and Howard, my precious darling. You really are my hero. My sweet level headed hero and I cannot wait to shower you with kisses and appreciation!
Loves and more loves,
Brenda
At 8:54 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, i hope u 2 r careful, brenda & howard! howard, i m glad u came up w/that quick thinking 2 help becky out of her bind. i was worried abt u, becks!
ger txted me & sed his 'rents have been arguing evr since i've left. he sez he's been playing his ipod 2 drown it out.
apes
At 12:05 AM,
Anonymous said…
You know how, like, I said I didn't want to relive last night again? And, like, I was going to play ill so I could get out of going? Remember that? It might've been a good idea.
I was all nervous about going shopping because my mom and my sister and my dad like to 'tease' me and by 'tease me' I really mean, they like to embarrass the hell out of me on shopping trips. Like, a typical shopping trip might be, "Alexandra stay with me," and then, "I'm going to go in the other aisle, you stay here and wait for me," and then, "ALEXANDRA!? DO YOU NEED PADS FOR YOUR PERIODS!?! WHAT ABOUT JUST DAY PADS FOR EVERY DAY LEAKAGE?!" So I was really glad we stopped at a sports store because I wasn't expecting to stop there and ... I was REALLY happy. Really, really. My dad told me we were stopping at a WalMart and he was going to get Jeremy sized for condoms.
Oh. So I gotta tell you about Jeremy's jersey. It's really cool. It's the Milton Icehawks away jersey. When I finally got the chance to talk to him about it, I said, "Nice jersey," and he said, "You too." I had my RPI jersey on, and he said, "That's not the Icehawks," and I said, "No, I'm wearing my RPI jersey. You never know who you're going to meet at the games. Yours is a away jersey, is that because we're going to an away game?" and he said, "No, it was all they had left. I really wanted a jersey to wear to the games," and he starts to look around the store nervously, "Should I buy a home jersey?" and I said, "No. The color looks really good on you." and he said, "Oh. Thanks." and was probably thinking, "The color looks really good on me? It's 'red' ... It's red with more red." I'm such an idiot.
Anyhow, I thought everything was going fine, you know? I didn't realize my dad scared Jeremy so much at the sports store. We were in the car, right, and my sister was looking out her window and Jeremy was staring forward, looking out the front window, not blinking, and desperately trying not to touch either my snotty sister or me. Dad didn't make that easier either because he kept swerving from side to side. Jeremy decided that it'd be easier to sit on his hands, I guess, because that's what he did ... So *I* dropped my hand off my lap to touch his ... And he screamed. Like a girl. Aww I nearly cried = (
My dad nearly drove off the road and my mom turned around yelling at my sister and me and Jeremy kept yelling, "I didn't touch her! I didn't touch her!" I thought dad was going to pull the car over and kill Jeremy in the woods. So I tried to calm Jeremy down without touching him = ( and told him that my hand slipped off my lap. He stopped screaming at least. My dad started yelling that no touching meant NO TOUCHING! So then my sister started, "I'M NOT TOUCHING YOU! I'M NOT TOUCHING YOU!" with Jeremy until my mom yelled at her because Jeremy looked so ... Unwell. My mom said, "Jerry, are you alright? Do you want some air?" and Jeremy just kind of moaned so my mom said, "Girls put your windows down." So it's like 30 outside, that's Fahrenheit because I don't do the whole conversation thing, and we have both back windows down to give Jeremy air. We got to the arena shortly thereafter. I really expected Jeremy to run for his life but he seemed kind of fine.
We won again. Nothing too exciting from the game. THANKFULLY, it was a pretty good crowd so the only tickets available at the door were two seats in front of three seats. My parents figured they'd have a better view of our hands and things if they were behind us. Man was my sister pissed! She was the odd man out and didn't get as good a view over Jeremy and me. That made me SOOOOOOO happy. Pissing her off.
I told Jeremy when I handed him his ticket not to freak out when I touch him and he said, "No, no, don't touch me. I'm too young to die." And I said, "Dad'll never know," and touched Jeremy's hand as proof. I think it calmed him down because he didn't scream.
So this is what I did at the game ... Jeremy immediately sat on his hands so I pretended to sit on mine when really my hand was brushing up against Jeremy's. And our one leg was totally entwined. The only problem was goals, of which there were a lot, because we always kind of tripped when we stood up to cheer.
After the game was awesome because we hung out by the bus and saw the players and got some autographs. I don't know if Jeremy noticed this but my jersey was noticed by a player, I think, because a player totally winked at me.
When we dropped Jeremy off, I told my mom that Jeremy had something for me at the door and I was going to just be a minute getting it. So I walked Jeremy to the door and I just stood there like a total f00b, waiting, and then I was, like, thinking, "OMG. He totally doesn't want to kiss me because he totally doesn't want to see me again. He's upset that I didn't shave for him. I wore the wrong jersey. I should have worn my Icehawk's jersey. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid --" and he kissed me mid-stupid. He's a really good kisser = D
When I got back to the car my sister took one look at me and said, "She kissed him!" My dad drove off pissed and said, "The next time I see that boy, I'm taking him to the store. We're getting you two condoms! I'm not having grandchildren at my age!" and my sister goes, like a freak'in reporter, "You know, they're saying ninth graders today are much more sexually active than even last year," and I said, all reporter like, "Really, stupid, than what does that make you?"
My sister's grounded because she didn't have an answer.
I am so happy.
Alex
At 1:57 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i wuz so glad wen the ride 2 the oakville twin arenas wuz ovah. i wuz froze frum the windows b-ing down & my arms & legs were numb frum tryin’ not 2 touch alexandra or her sis. alexandra & her family go outa the car 2 get the tickets & i cudn’t walk str8 till i got feelin’ back n my legz.
aftah we got seated, alexandra’s dad & i wen 4 food 4 supper. while we were getting’ it he sed, “so jerry, wudya think milton’s chances r of winnin’ the ontario hockey association - ontario provincial junior a hockey league championship this year?” i sed, “what?” he sed, “the championship. do u think milton will win the championship?” no dummy, i sed, “of course. they luk rilly gud this year.” alexandra’s dad wuz sayin’, “that’s exactly rite germany. milton hasn’t won the championship since 1998. they r due. isn’t that rite?” i sed, “yes sir. milton iz due 4 the championship. that’s rite. they r long overdue.” alexandra’s dad sed, “i like the way u talk jeremiah. u need 2 remembah just 1 thing.” i sed, “what’s that? wen the championship game iz?” he sed, “just cuz ur a little brown-nosing suck-up duzn’t mean u can touch my daughter.” i sed, “yes, sir. no touching. i sit on my handz.”
i got 2 sit by alexandra 4 the whole game. i made a big deal ‘bout sittin’ on my hands cuz her dad wuz b-hind us. everytyme we stood up, i waved my arms ‘round n a big circle so it wuz real obvious i had my hands undah my butt. alexandra leaned ovah 2 me & sed, “they can’t see our legz. don’t scream.” then she wrapped her leg ‘round mine. it wuz hard 2 concentrate on the game aftah that. i didn’t evn care wen alexandra’s sis wud hit my head everytyme there wuz a goal. she sed it wuz a milton icehawks tradition 2 hit the person n front of them blocking their view. i didn’t c any1 else doin’ it, but alexandra’s leg felt so gud, i didn’t care.
aftah the game wuz awesome cuz we hung out by the bus & saw the playerz & got sum autographs. i don't know if alexandra noticed this but my milton icehawks away jersey wuz noticed by a player, i think, cuz a player totally winked @ me. he musta been gay.
on the trip back 2 mboro, it wuz dark n the back of the car. i made another big deal ‘bout sittin’ on my handz, but alexandra’s ‘rents didn’t seem 2 pay az much attention this tyme. they were talkin’ ‘bout how the icehawks were b-ing ripped off n the rankings, b-ing ranked undah the nanaimo clippers and the yorkton terriers, who each have 2 more losses than the milton icehawks. so alexandra leans ovah & sez, “don’t scream” & she wraps her leg ‘round mine agin & she reaches & gets my hand 2 hold. i wuz kinda sad wen we got 2 my house. alexandra walked me 2 my house, & i wunted 2 kiss her like a lot. so i took 1 look @her ‘rents. they weren’t lookin’. i took 1 look @my house 2c my mom wusn’t lookin’ out a window. then i saw her sis, staring rite @us & i sed 2 myself, “if i kiss alexandra, her sis is gonna tell & her dad iz gonna kill me.” then i sed 2 myself, “no. he won’t kill me rite n front of my house. i’m safe.” then i sed 2 myself, “he wud drag me 2 the treez & then kill me.” then i sed 2 myself, “2day iz a gud day 2 die.” & gave alexandra my best kiss, lusty but not slobbery. she seemed 2 like it, cuz she didn’t run away or nothin’. course i heard alexandra’s sister start yelling i kissed alexandra, but didn’t care. i wuz w8in 2 b beaten 2 a pulp, but then i heard their car drive off & sumthin ‘bout condoms. it wuz a gr8 nite. i kissed alexandra & i’m still alive.
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