CAFETERIA some1 else, not MOM some1 else!
Parents just don't understand, do they? Those chicken wraps the school caf makes are killer, d00d, & Mom totally knows I luv 'em, but she was all, "No" when I asked 4 lunch $. "We have pita bread, we have salad, we have chicken." Then when I'm like, "But it's not the SAAAME!! When some1 else makes them, they taste so much BETTER!!!" U'd think she'd understand & just give me the $, I mean, it's not like I don't slave @ that store after school every day, but noooooo, instead she sighs and grumps and huffs ovr 2 the kitchen where she makes me a MOM chicken wrap, getting her grubby Mom hands all ovr it, & I swear it looked like she had this thot bubble over her head w/ "* [swirly] ! [star] [saturn] *". I'm totally pissed. U just know it'll B all soggy & fally-aparty @ lunch when Becky an' Ger an' Dunc an' Jeremy an' Alexandra an' Vicki an' evey1 else in school has fresh, delicious, caf-made chicken wraps. MayB I'll just skip lunch al2gether & study instead. I'm gonna retch!
So, last nite Becks was in the car trunk so she cd spy on her Mom's d8 w/Dr. Ted, & dashing Constable Wright was all, "Howard, pls rescue this yung ladee fr. the dangerous trunk or she cd die!" & Howard did rescue her, & it was so like sumthin' out of a movie. Liz, this guy seems way cube! I'm gonna hafta study some Ojibwe wordz now!
Well, Blogger's bein' a butt again & not lettin' me log in. I'm writing this in Notepad, but I think I'm gonna hafta save it & restart the puter & hope 4 the best. Ergles.
Apes
So, last nite Becks was in the car trunk so she cd spy on her Mom's d8 w/Dr. Ted, & dashing Constable Wright was all, "Howard, pls rescue this yung ladee fr. the dangerous trunk or she cd die!" & Howard did rescue her, & it was so like sumthin' out of a movie. Liz, this guy seems way cube! I'm gonna hafta study some Ojibwe wordz now!
Well, Blogger's bein' a butt again & not lettin' me log in. I'm writing this in Notepad, but I think I'm gonna hafta save it & restart the puter & hope 4 the best. Ergles.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 9:59 AM
32 Comments:
At 10:18 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Howard Darling,
Things have taken a turn for the worse with this damnable chef. It looks like someone is trying to poison him. We are mourning one of his precious pooches at this moment, which to be honest is quite sad.
My investigation in Milborough must take a back burner thanks to these latest events. If the Milborough story was sanctioned by the paper I could get away with focusing my attention there with you, but as it is I must take care of business at the Flash if I want them to maintain my expense account.
I've been reading with interest the latest about Dr. McCauley. Much about him seems suspicious relating to our investigation. I want some way to set up a meeting with him. However, should I gain the attention of the good doctor I might end up taking his focus from Becky's mother, and Ms. McGuire holds little love for me. But, in the interest of the story I must take my chances. I've made an appointment in his office for Monday morning. I know it's short notice, and asking a lot, but please accompany me to this doctors visit in the interest of gaining information for my investigation and keeping Ms. McGuire's toes unstepped on.
Lovingly,
Brenda
At 10:19 AM,
Anonymous said…
Rebecca,
I have contacted a few friends of mine in the television production business regarding the Robert Freeman party. I have purchased all the rights to any and all footage pertaining to you and your friends. The rights are now in your name. If in the future, you won't have to worry about the footage showing up on tacky shows such as, "Before They Were Stars," without your permission. And, if they do, then you have a sizable law suit to file. No one is going to be damaging my little star to be before she shines, that is if I have any say in the matter!
Protectively,
Brenda
At 10:20 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You totally can't skip lunch. I heard what your mom did on the way into school and I've already started a collection in your name. I'm up to $1.50 and three -- make that four -- marriage proposals. Did you want their numbers???
Alex
At 10:22 AM,
Anonymous said…
Toronto experienced a night of quiet after three days of drama-related violence in the downtown Entertainment District. At the epicentre of the disturbance, the Toronto Little Dinner Theatre, shell-shocked actors emerged from scenery flats to express their relief.
"Man, that play really sucked. I bet our manager won't take scripts from potato-nosed weedy guys any more," said one man, who declined to give his name.
Despite the calm, Mayor David Miller is continuing the state of theatrical emergency in the city. "People just can't rewrite Shakespeare like that. Or throw chicken bones. Or burn theatre programs in heaps in the middle of the street," the mayor announced at a press conference.
At 10:26 AM,
Anne said…
Aw, Apes, I can give u some $ too. I owe u 4 tutoring me n algebra! Me an' Alex can set u up w/a wrap an' side dishes...lol.
At 10:30 AM,
April Patterson said…
alex, u rock! that is sooooo nice of u! i'd better pass on the marriage props, cuz poor ger has been feeling not so secure l8ly. neway, u're totally making my day! i'll have so much fun feeding the mom-mess 2 the squirrels that r alwayz scopin' rite outside the caf!
apes
p.s. ha-ha, mike!
At 10:31 AM,
April Patterson said…
vicks, just saw yr post! thanx, i'm gonna end up w/a feast, yo! u r the best!
apes
At 11:01 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I was thinking the same thing about the marriage proposals, I hope Ger's not too freaked. Time will only tell I guess.
Jeremy's acting all weird. He gave me $3 for your collection and I kissed him for the generous "donation".
::Shrug:: I'll give you what I collected at lunch.
Alex
At 11:25 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April,
I am very, very sorry to hear that your mom is once again being a humungous bitch. I called my dad and talked to him about the situation. He was appalled that a parent would deny their child a tasty and healthful meal like a low-fat chicken wrap. So he called the assistant principal to discuss the problem. The assistant principal contacted the school nurse as this is a dietary matter. She felt she did not have authority to rule on the situation by herself, so she contacted the superintendent, who recommended that a school board member sit in on her meeting with the assistant principal to give an advisory opinion. The school board member recommended that the principal attend this meeting as well because eating disorders are one of his "Action Areas" this year and this could be related. The principal called the stenographer who takes down the meetings of the city council meetings and asked her to attend too so that there will be a transcript of the event. Then my dad called your mom and asked her to come to the meeting. The stenographer recommended that this meeting be made a public hearing so that any parent with concerns about school lunch could come and listen in, and participate during a comments section.
So, at seven pm tonight in our auditorium, there is going to be a "Special Ad Hoc Advisory Hearing on the Question of School Lunch for April Patterson."
I knew my dad would be able to fix everything.
Love always and forever, Gerald
P.S.--I am not worried about the marriage proposals. If the only way you could get a chicken wrap was to marry some other guy, I would understand.
At 11:37 AM,
April Patterson said…
omg, liz, i'm totally pretending i didn't read yr message, so bea can w8 until she gets bored & then leave. if mom wants 2 buy chicken wraps fr. the caf, she can go in herself.
thanx 4 yr efforts, ger, but i hope this doesn't backfire sumhow.
alex, that's so fabtastic! & thanx, jeremy! that was way cube!
btw, the school nurse asked me 2 open my locker & give me the wrap mom gave her cuz she was worried abt the mayo going bad & causing food poisoning. she's gonna have a science teacher analyze it around lunchtime so they have more evidence 2 use @ that mtg 2nite, lol!
becks, u & me both on moving away @ 18. i'm seriously puttin' real estate betw me & mboro after we get outta h-school.
apes
At 12:02 PM,
April Patterson said…
aw, becks, don't 4get lizzie did thank him 4 makin' sure u r okay. & we girlz alwayz wanna b the centre of attention w/the guyz w/d8, eh?
apes
At 12:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
i have lots an' lots of time 4 hott fantasies here @ the mboro youth correctional centre. i have this 1 abt a studly bajan rapper guy w/purply lips who spreads grape lipgloss allllll ovr me & then, like, totally lixx me kleen. mmmmm. gotta go!
kiMMi <3 <3 <3
At 12:31 PM,
Anne said…
Wow, my dream of Chris Cornell serenading me w/"Outshined" n his shrill voice sounds so tame compared to Becks' fantasies, although it's even less likely 2 happen than hers....lol
Meh...the caf needs 2 improve its vegetarian selection. That tofu wrap was sub-par. I can't wait til senior year when we have open campus privileges an' can try all the restaurants' lunch specials!
At 12:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
april. ur welcum 4 the money. alexandra wuz goin’ up 2 peeps & sayin’ “april patterson’s mom wrapped her chicken & she needz her chicken wrapped by some1 else. april needz sum1 2 feed her.” i knew wut she ment cuz i read ur blog, but sum of the guyz didn’t & they were like telling alexandra that they cud feed u, but they wud need 2b married 1st. i gave alexandra enuff $ 2 pay 4 ur wrap, & xxplained wut alexandra wuz talkin’ ‘bout 2 the guyz. then alexandra sed, “here’z a kiss 4 ur generous donation.” i think she slipped me a little tongue, so now i can’t think of nething but kissin' alexandra.
At 12:39 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, jeremy, that xplainz y i was gettin' sum strange lks fr. a buncha diff boyz. thanx 4 telling 'em what alex meant!
alex, did i hear u singing a song abt kisses? i thot so, but sumtymz i mishear stuff.
apes
At 12:44 PM,
howard said…
Brenda,
I have just gotten a little breather from my work here at the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant, so I can post. I am so sorry to hear about the chef’s dog, partially because I like animals, and partially because it means less time with you. I really want to pay you back for helping out my bud Becky with the Robert Freeman footage, and I mean pay back in a way that involves massage oils and other sorts of lubricants.
I will see if Fiona Brass can cover for me Monday morning for your appointment with Dr. McCauley. It’s been really busy here today. For some reason, everyone that’s come in has asked for chicken wraps. We ran out of tortillas and so we have been using pita bread.
Your beloved,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 12:53 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, becks, pls don't b sayin' that abt buttsy! i'm still sumtymz havin' the nitemarez abt the horsemeat, pls don't get me started on rabbits 2! i luv that dumb bunny.
howard, lol, my mom totally can't tell the diff betw pita & tortilla!
apes
At 1:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
Yo, Becks, we'd better not tell Apes about this site, eh?
Marjee
At 2:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
That was me singing about kisses, I'll admit it. It's a song off the CD Jeremy gave me yesterday, it's call "The Only Man You Could Get After Me (Was Some Milborough Hick)". Apparently, it's a new one. There's a line in there about kissing. I don't wanna talk about it anymore. I am so upset right now = ( I'm hiding in one of the bathroom stalls, just totally so embarrassed.
Jeremy and I were talking before class and we sit next to each other and we were talking, okay I was talking and he was just staring at me, all googly eyed and stuff -- now that I think about it he was probably picturing me naked, the perv -- about one of his dad's CDs that he gave me yesterday and I was like, "I really like, 'You Make Fancy Look Like High Society'." And he's like, "Mmmmm," a total moan! An' then, OMG, his elbow slips, right?, and knocks his pencil CONVENIENTLY off his desk towards my desk and when he leaned over to pick it up HE TOTALLY LOOKED UNDER MY SKIRT!!!
Well my mom told me, she said, "If a guy does something to you that you don't like, you slap him. Hard." So I totally, quickly stood up and I slapped Jeremy, hard, it was totally reflex. I ran out of the room, practically in tears. I thought he was a gentleman and here was he with his lame excuses looking up my skirt!!! I was going to ask him out today too!!!!
I'm so upset = ( My tears are starting to get my cell phone wet. I gotta go =, (
-A
At 2:30 PM,
April Patterson said…
alex, i just saw jeremy in the hallway, smackin' himself in the head & callin' himself "stupid". i think he's sorry, but i m sure he will post here 4 himself b4 2 long.
i thot i saw u lookin' like u'd been crying. i didn't know if i shd say nething, cuz most ppl don't like some1 being all, "have u been crying?" but if u wanna come by lilliput's after school 2day, i cd get away 4 a lil while & we can get sum starbucks. thanx again 4 helpin' me out w/lunch! i cdn't believe u raised so much $!
apes
At 2:38 PM,
Anonymous said…
Apes,
I think it's the way I worded it ... The money thing.
Sure, Starbucks sounds great ... SINCE I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING WITH JEREMY TONIGHT!
Alex
At 3:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
Um.
Is Becks PMSing or is she always like this?
Alex
(I should have posted this Anonymous for my safety.)
At 3:29 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, y r u being so mean? i so did not kill mr. b & u know that. & i luv buttsy, u know that 2. did i do sumthin' 2 piss u off?
alex, i dunno. i'm @ the store now, btw, so whenev u wanna come by, we'll do the starbucks thing. my mom's "busy" doing "business stuff" away fr. the store. again.
apes
p.s. i just phoned howard 2 ask him abt this blog he supposedly has & he sed he didn't know what i was talkin' abt.
At 3:31 PM,
Anne said…
lol Alex, I don't know Becks's schedule, but she's always very direct about what's on her mind!
Eat whatever u like Becks, u just gotta savor tofu an bean curd n all its glory. :-)
At 3:50 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg. mike is trying 2 ruin my life. yeah, i'm "denying" these thingz b/c they're not freakin' true! wtf? becks or dunc, mayB u can help me find a lawyer who will take my libel case against mike & whoever wrote this bs article, on a contingency basis, cuz my mom won't give me lunch $, let alone legal-fee $.
apes
At 4:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i am a complete fu. i wuz n class w/alexandra & she wuz talkin’ ‘bout 1 of my dad’z songz. there’z a part n it w/humming, so i hum it & think i sound pretty cube, wen i knock my pencil off my desk & it landz rite by alexandra. so i go 2 pick it up, tryin’ not 2 luk like an idiot instead of lukin’ where i am goin’. i hit my head on the desk & i completely fall ovah & my head goez like rite up alexandra’s dress. she screams & slaps me. i am so stupid.
At 5:42 PM,
April Patterson said…
ok, so alex came by the store at around 4 & i told moira an' bea that we were taking a starbucks break. while we were walkin' over 2 the 'bucks, alex sed she saw jeremy's last post & she feels a bit silly 4 having slapped him. she sez it was like a reflex & she feelz bad now that she knows it wasn't an on-purpose peek.
so i got a trip-shot latte & alex got the quintuple-shot tall espresso fr. the xtra strong blend. while we were having our coffeez, i got a txt fr. dunc. he sez his lawyer mite b willing 2 take on my libel case(s) on a contingency basis (mng his $ wd come fr. the settlement if & only if i win). dunc sez his mom & dad told the lawyer guy all abt mike's destroying shakespeare in romie & julie & the lawyer guy was interested in doing nething & everything 2 "stop michael patterson's madness".
oh, bea told me she w8ed like an hour 4 me 2 meet her w/chicken wraps, but she was like "i guess it was just a misunderstanding." mm, yeah, that's it.
apes
At 6:18 PM,
April Patterson said…
ok, i 4give u, but u left out the part abt how mike was stayin' ovr that nite & he totally put my hand in warm water while i was asleep, after he made me watch that rafting/niagara falls video rite b4 bed. & now he's twisting that around 2? god, i wonder y he h8's me so much. d00d barely knowz me, yo.
apes
At 8:00 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, becks, u mite b on2 sumthin'! u know mom & dad r totally in2 the idea of movin' in2 an "empty nest" house an' having mike an' dee move in2 the "homestead". i'm, like, totally inconvenient 2 that plan.
yeh, lol on the bowlcut radish-nose thing. so true. did u know he keeps 4getting i even play the guitar? he's like, "apes, do u still do that sockhead thing?" & "what's yr favourite doll"? so lame!
apes
At 8:30 PM,
howard said…
April,
An interesting thing happened at the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant this evening that I thought you might like to hear about.
Your mom came in with Connie Poirier for supper and she was carrying a chicken wrap. She handed it to me and said, “Roberta, would you be so kind as to duplicate this for me? I had to go to April’s school to get one myself, since my surly Martian daughter wouldn’t get one for me.” Connie said, “Why did you call him Roberta?” Elly said, “That is Rebecca McGuire’s music teacher, and she has a very tight bun that makes her look quite masculine.” Connie said, “It is obviously a man. You need to have your eyes checked.” Elly said, “Honestly, Connie. My observation skills are fine. After all, it took you forever to realize that Lawrence was gay, when it was plainly obvious to everyone else.” Connie got a little quiet at that point, and I sat them at their table. Their conversation went a little like this:
Elly: I was talking this morning to Liz, when someone just delivered a dozen chicken wraps made by April’s school cafeteria. They were heavenly and I just had to have some more, so I sent Beatrice who works for me to get some from April, but she came back to Lilliput’s after only an hour of waiting, and said there must have been some misunderstanding between me and April. It's a strange situation to be in; I can't understand what April's saying half the time. How I am ever going to get food requests to her, if she continues to speak in Martian.
Connie: Well. Mars wants chicken wraps.
Elly: Eh? Well, Connie I just don’t know what I am going to do with April. Is it my age or the age we live in what makes this teen so different from our other two? Who knows?
Connie: It’s your age.
Elly: Eh? Anyway, just this morning, April was nagging me for money for lunch, because she wanted a chicken wrap. I told her that we have pita bread, we have salad, we have chicken, so she can make her own and she started whining about how when someone else makes them, they taste so much better!! So I had to take the time to make the chicken wrap for her. Oooh! The things I was thinking.
Connie: You know a black asterisk, a squiggly, an exclamation point, a star, the planet Saturn, and a white asterisk just jumped out of your head. How did you do that? I can only get “~!@#$%^&*” to pop out of mine.
Elly: Connie, please. Watch your language. I think I need to change the subject, if that’s the way you’re going to talk.
Connie: OK. You talked to Liz. Did she tell you anything about the policeman?
Elly: No. Not a word.
Connie: Did she tell you anything about the boys in Spruce Narrows?
Elly: No. Not a word.
Connie: Did she tell you anything about Anthony?
Elly: No. Not a word.
Connie: Did she tell you anything about Eric?
Elly: No. Not a word.
Connie: Did she tell you anything about Candace?
Elly: No. Not a word.
Connie: Well, she has plenty of time to find a serious relationship. Her “biological clock” hasn’t started to count down yet!
Elly: I know. It can’t count down, if it’s already at zero. When I am on the phone with Liz, I can just hear her girl parts drying up.
That’s all I heard. I hope you find it of interest,
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 8:52 PM,
April Patterson said…
yeah, thanx, howard. can u believe what a hypocrite? mom wdn't give me $3 4 just 1 lousy chicken wrap, then she wants 2 buy sum ridiculous amt of them 4 herself, after she'd already scarfed a dozen that she didn't deserve! & what's she doing eating dinner out when there's plenty of food in the fridge?
btw, did gerald or ne1 else hear what happed @ that big school mtg? i asked mom, but she didn't wanna talk abt it. it's like she's fr. saturn, yo!
apes
At 12:43 AM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Boozhoo gwanaaj oshki-ikwe (Hello beautiful one)!
You wrote to me again last night. Minjinawezi (Sorry). I would have responded, but my partner and I were assisting the Fire Department with a house fire.
I read your sister’s friends’ writings for today. I noticed someone calling themself Brenda Starr wrote. There is a famous newspaper reporter who has that name. Some who write must use nicknames.
Many writings today spoke poorly of your mother because of chicken wraps. I did not understand it. When I met her, she spoke well of you and showed my partner and me your picture. You are even more beautiful in person.
When you and Miss Rebecca McGuire were discussing her fantasies about me, I saw you consider us to be friends. After meeting you last weekend, I think of you as my zayaagi`iwedjig. I have Saturday off. I would like to be with you again, if it’s OK with you.
Gawaabmin miinwa (Hope to see you again soon)
Constable Paul Wright
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