Mom Gets Snail-Mail From Liz
Liz, I guess, decided 2 get the "Mom taking credit 4 Paul" thing over with, so she sent her a kiss-arsey letter enclosed with the glasses. In the letter, Liz wrote:
I had 2 have a quadruple-espresso 2 wake up enuf 4 school 2day, but I'm guessing our new pal Alexandra's gonna B all, "Cha, litew8!" Cuz she's got a serious caffeine thing going, yo! But I'm glad U made it 2 the party last nite. U seemed 2 B having fun!
Gerald's been seriously psycho, even though I thot knowing I'd never been pregnant & cdn't have w/out doing it wd, U know, calm him down. But now he's all going on about me "not getting pregnant with other guys," cuz "Gerald's the only 1 who shd B not getting U pregnant, lil buttercup." I'm seriously afraid he's gonna hafta go back & have his meds adjusted again.
I had such fun jammin' with Jeremy Duncan and his friends. Like Howard sed in his comments last nite, Jeremy's dad is an orthodontist, so we cd both share stories abt havin' dads who spend all day with their fingerz in peeps' mouths. Ew. He sez his dad also blames a whole buncha stuff on teenage hormonez, just like mine. Ew. Jeremy sed, "Don't tell D'Ijon, but Pierce has a totally xtreme birthday surprise planned 4 her 2morrow. She's not gonna believe it!" He told me what it is, but he said I shdn't write it here in case D'Ijon reads this B4 Pierce sees her.
I feel really bad that Howard ended up getting punched when Brenda Starr & Becky's mom were trying 2 punch ea other. But he sed I shdn't worry abt it cuz he's in gr8, sparkly handz w/Brenda. & if getting punched up meanz spending more time w/her, he thinx it's, like, totally worth it.
Oh, another thing abt Liz's letter 2 Mom. The part I quoted was all Lizzie had 2 say abt Paul. Mom kept flippin' the letter back & forth & then dug thru the box the glasses were in, like she thot she mite B missing a page. Then she got this "I am so wise" look on her face & she sed, "The less they tell U, the more there is 2 know. Oh my God, John! Do U think R little Lizzie has gone roadside w/the officer? I want my little girl 2 get married & make beautiful grandkids, but she has 2 save herself 4 marriage!" I'm like, "Save herself? Have U 4gotten Eric?" Mom sed, "Eric was just her roommate, April. They had separate rooms. It was perfectly chaste and Victorian." I'm all, "OK, Mom, thanx 4 setting me str8 on that."
NEway, I'd better finish this up & put away my phone B4 I get in trub.
Apes
Dear Mom, Thanks for Losing your glasses! They were returned to me by a really nice guy. His name is Paul Wright and he's a police officer. You'll remember him from the night you stayed at the correctional centre on your way home from Mtigwaki. Please thank Grandpa again for the telescope, we've had it out several times.Mom was acting soooooo full of herself abt this letter. She was, like, "Oh, I knew I was doing the right thing! And the Wright thing, with a W, get it?" [Laugh, sticky-outy tongue.] "Mothers always know! Always! I can't w8 2 show this letter 2 Connie!" This was during breakfast this morning, which for Mom was Donna Hayward's Fudge-macaroni potato-chip Pineapple-Mango Cheddar Casserole with Molson sauce. And then she polished off Nadine Hurley's Tofu-Nutritional Yeast Tempei Shiitake Fakin-Bacon Vegenaise Seitan Soy-Mozzarella casserole. She was digging into her third when I left, but I didn't have time 2 C what that last 1 was.
I had 2 have a quadruple-espresso 2 wake up enuf 4 school 2day, but I'm guessing our new pal Alexandra's gonna B all, "Cha, litew8!" Cuz she's got a serious caffeine thing going, yo! But I'm glad U made it 2 the party last nite. U seemed 2 B having fun!
Gerald's been seriously psycho, even though I thot knowing I'd never been pregnant & cdn't have w/out doing it wd, U know, calm him down. But now he's all going on about me "not getting pregnant with other guys," cuz "Gerald's the only 1 who shd B not getting U pregnant, lil buttercup." I'm seriously afraid he's gonna hafta go back & have his meds adjusted again.
I had such fun jammin' with Jeremy Duncan and his friends. Like Howard sed in his comments last nite, Jeremy's dad is an orthodontist, so we cd both share stories abt havin' dads who spend all day with their fingerz in peeps' mouths. Ew. He sez his dad also blames a whole buncha stuff on teenage hormonez, just like mine. Ew. Jeremy sed, "Don't tell D'Ijon, but Pierce has a totally xtreme birthday surprise planned 4 her 2morrow. She's not gonna believe it!" He told me what it is, but he said I shdn't write it here in case D'Ijon reads this B4 Pierce sees her.
I feel really bad that Howard ended up getting punched when Brenda Starr & Becky's mom were trying 2 punch ea other. But he sed I shdn't worry abt it cuz he's in gr8, sparkly handz w/Brenda. & if getting punched up meanz spending more time w/her, he thinx it's, like, totally worth it.
Oh, another thing abt Liz's letter 2 Mom. The part I quoted was all Lizzie had 2 say abt Paul. Mom kept flippin' the letter back & forth & then dug thru the box the glasses were in, like she thot she mite B missing a page. Then she got this "I am so wise" look on her face & she sed, "The less they tell U, the more there is 2 know. Oh my God, John! Do U think R little Lizzie has gone roadside w/the officer? I want my little girl 2 get married & make beautiful grandkids, but she has 2 save herself 4 marriage!" I'm like, "Save herself? Have U 4gotten Eric?" Mom sed, "Eric was just her roommate, April. They had separate rooms. It was perfectly chaste and Victorian." I'm all, "OK, Mom, thanx 4 setting me str8 on that."
NEway, I'd better finish this up & put away my phone B4 I get in trub.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:53 AM
40 Comments:
At 9:24 AM,
Anonymous said…
Beckers, Im back. Meet me o/s the caf btween 1st an' 2nd period?
p.s. Apes, Ill tell u abt my weekend in TO l8r.
At 9:27 AM,
April Patterson said…
ok, dunc! did u end up c-ing mike's bad play? lol!
apes
At 9:43 AM,
Anonymous said…
So I'm standing at my locker, totally trying to just blend in with the thing because I totally don't want to be here today when Jeremy walks up and is, like, "Hi". I said, "Hey," and went on with my business because I totally did not want to be here today.
He missed that and says, "I didn't see you leave the party last night," and I said, "I left," and he said, "How'd you get home?" and I said, "I walked," and he said, "That's a long walk, isn't it?" and I said, "No, not really. The fresh air felt good anyhow," and he said, "Becky doesn't live on the right side of the tracks, if you know what I mean, her parents are divorced. You should be more careful," and I said, "I was going through coffee withdrawal, I think it was obvious too and no one bothered me," and he kind of backed up and said, "Did you have your coffee today?" and I said, "Yeah I had my customary three cups. I should be good til lunch," and he said, "Oh good."
Then there's like silence between us and I'm done with my locker and we're just kind of standing there and he goes, "Oh, hey, did you hear about April's sister?" and I said, "No what?" and he said, "She sent her mom a snail mail with the glasses and a letter and then her mom's all wise and stuff," and I'm, "Huh," and he's like, "What?" and I go, "Oh I was just thinking of how nice it was to hear Liz talk about star gazing with that Constable," and Jeremy's, like, "Did you want to go stargazing with me?" and I stare at him all shocked and I'm like, "Uh. I think I'm still grounded." And I totally hope he buys that ...
And then there's, like, more silence. And Jeremy goes, "After you left the party everyone was saying how cube you were and that you seemed to have a good time and all," and I started walking towards my homeroom and he followed me, which was really cute, and I'm like, "Oh that's cool," and he says, "Have you ever tried 'cube'?" and I'm, "Rubik's cube? No, I'm not good at mind games and things like that," and he laughs and is all, "No, not that, cube. Like ... Cool only cube," and I'm, "Um. No. I don't think so," and he, "You should try it, it's really cube," and I'm, "Okay. Um. I think the bell is about to ring, or something. So I'll see you in math, you can tell more about the cube... Thing."
And I, like, ran to my homeroom.
-A
At 9:50 AM,
April Patterson said…
alexandra, i totally saw u smiling &, like singing 2 yrself in the hall. i'm not sure, but i think it sounded like sum beach boyz stuff i've heard my dad play. "wdn't it b nice if we were older?" the 1 w/that line?
apes
At 10:03 AM,
Anonymous said…
I, uh, heard that song in a commercial, like, that verse or something and it's, like, stuck. Otherwise I don't listen to that kind of music. I listen to, like, newer stuff. Like, um, Cold and, um, something. That stuff.
-A
At 10:14 AM,
April Patterson said…
oh, ok. that song was in the movie 50 first dates w/adam sandler & drew barrymore & i thot it was pretty cube.
apes
At 10:34 AM,
Anonymous said…
I can bring my iPod to study hall or lunch or something and you can listen to some songs on it, if you want. But since my dad bought it, he's like, "It's half mine so I get half the bank for my songs." So there's, like, oldies and stuff on it ... for dad. I don't listen to them. I only listen to the new stuff on it.
-A
At 10:48 AM,
April Patterson said…
wow, yr dad's better @ the tech than mine. mine still thinks my ipod is, like, an answering machine 4 my cel phone or sumthin'. he's way lame!
btw, i wonder if yr mom ended up snooping in my files @ the hospital so she finally knows i'm not pg. i hope she's not going around telling ppl i'm pg, since the whole pt of my visit was 2 stop that rumour b4 it starts, iykwim.
apes
At 11:11 AM,
Anonymous said…
Oh no, my dad had me teach him. He was like, "Teach me this thing. I want to know what kind of music you're listen to. The music today..." Yadda, yadda, yadda. He wasn't like, "Hey, this looks great. We listen to the same music, we could share this." It wasn't like that at all. Because, you know, we totally don't listen to the same music.
I'll try to ask my mom if she's read your file. She's always harping on me about ethics and things but some times I think it's that ... harping. I think I have that wrong. Anyhow, I'll see.
I never knew social studies could be this boring ... OMG! I don't have a clue what this teacher is going on about.
-A
At 11:25 AM,
Anonymous said…
april. i talked 2 alexandra @her locker. i donno wut it iz ‘bout her, but i cannot talk str8 wen i am w/her. i wuz talkin’ ‘bout where becks livez & ur sis & coffee. then i asked her 2 go stargazin’ w/me, which wuz totally lame. i am an idiot.
At 11:29 AM,
April Patterson said…
soundz like u 2 mite like ea other. ppl get nervous & then they don't know what they're saying until after it came out.
apes
At 11:34 AM,
howard said…
April,
I got to work this morning and just as Tracey Mayes was going to ask me how my date with you went, she said, “Oh my God, what happened to you?” I told her how I got in between 2 women fighting and knocked over a table on myself. Tracey said, “Oh dear Howard. April wasn’t hurt was she?” I said that you were fine. Well Tracey is having flowers made up to send to you with a note from me that says, “Sorry for being such a klutz.” They are probably going to be delivered to your school.
Tracey is so funny about this. Seeing me with cuts and bruises has turned on her maternal instinct. She says that I am just to do the cooking today and that she and Fiona Brass will handle all the table work. The only exception is that I am supposed to cater a dinner tonight at the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace in their recreation center, which I will have to handle by myself. I can see why it is that Tracy is such a good mother.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 11:49 AM,
April Patterson said…
omg, those flowers? were totally delivered 2 me. in the middle of math class! the delivery guy arrived wearing a jumpsuit that sed "deliveries from the heart" on the back. our teacher wasn't xactly thrilled & he evn accused me of having the flowerz delivered 2 myself 2 break thingz up. he made the delivery guy take the flowers 2 the principal's office. i can pick them up after school. the pink vase with carved roses is def. tracey's taste! the roses (in the vase, as opposed 2 on) r pink, 2, of course.
apes
At 12:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
Wow! April those flowers were for you? I totally thought they were for a teacher. I saw them walking down the hall, I could hardly see the delivery guy carrying them.
Gosh and I thought it was sweet when Jeremy handed me a coffee candy between classes. I totally suck.
-A
At 12:52 PM,
Anonymous said…
april. i wuz tryin’ 2 think of sumthing 2 make up w/alexandra aftah my lame stargazing idea. i had sum coffee candy n my locker frum halloween & i know alexandra likes coffee, so wen were goin’ between classes just sorta handed it 2 her. she looked @ me like i wuz crayzee. i’m so stupid.
At 1:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, this only just happened.
I don't know if you've had English yet but in my class the teacher had multiple copies of your brother evil neighbors article. She was handing it out as a "Find and Fix the Errors" assignment. Everything was going fine, everyone was doing the assignment and everything. Well I thought spelling was included and a few people were saying, like, "OMG! What was he thinking!?" and they weren't be told to be quiet or anything so I started to vocalize my corrections to your brother's work. You know, like, "There is no 'u' in 'neighbor'" and "Favorite. F-A-V-O-R-I-T-E. No 'u'." And no one seemed to mind. Well then I saw "programme" and just died and the guy sitting next to me, he says, "This is Canada." and I said, "Yeah I got that from the flags hanging around public buildings and such," and he goes, "We speak proper English in Canada," and I'm like, "There is nothing 'proper' about 'program-me'." Well the next thing I know I'm out of my sit, pushed out the classroom door, and ordered to the principal's office, which is where I am now ... Waiting to be seen. This is on top of the fight I had with the social studies teacher regarding the War of 1812.
I'll try to keep you up to date ...
-A
At 2:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
The principal was not sympathetic AT ALL. I told him I was new, I tried to articulately explain my position ... I learned from your brother's article that if you put big words between little words, even if they don't make sense together, people will respect you more. I tried this on the principal. It did not work. I even tried to use "programme" in a sentence, I was like, "I really like the program-mes you offer at this school." Not going to do that again.
He stood up and started pacing in front of this big window in his office that looked like it was put in just for his pacing, and he went on and on, and on, and on about the differences between Canada and the US. He was trying to explain how the same situation can be viewed differently by different people ... I kind of blanked on this so I don't know what his point was.
When I came to he was telling me some other differences. One that hit me was, apparently in parts of Canada milk is sold in a plastic bag or something. I was going to say, "Oh yeah my mom does that, puts the gallon of milk in a plastic bag to carry it from the car to the house..." but I think he meant something else.
So a half hour, 45 minutes later, he finally gives me my punishment. Listening to him wasn't it. I have to read this really big boring book on Canadian Culture. Your brother's name is nowhere to be found on it but from the comma placement and things, I suspect he edited it. Unless this is another Canadian culture thing. I'm not going to speculate.
The worst part isn't the punishment or anything, it's that I missed math and Jeremy is going to totally think I ditched on him. I didn't ditch on you Jeremy!!! I was being reprimanded!
-A
At 2:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
Oh yeah! Liz, you're totally right about my mom. She's definitely ... more complex than your mom. Depends if she took her meds that day or not. I kind of feel sorry for the patients she treats, like, in the hospital who have just gone through delivery. Um, either you're really observate or you read my blog. If you read my blog, I hope you can appreciate that some things are said in haste.
I will be in the library reading this stupid book so I am out for the remainer of the day.
-A
At 2:24 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, alex, i read yr blog & i'm sorry i missed what u were tellin' us abt bruises. & grounding. i've been so hung up on proving 2 every1 that i'm not & never have been pg & all i've been bad @ noticing things that shd b noticed.
& u don't suck cuz u got a coffee candy. that's a nice thing 2 give some1 who luvs coffee. the pink roses r pretty & all but they rn't really abt me, like, picked out cuz some1 knows me well or nething like that.
liz, i can't w8 2 talk 2 u l8r. i don't blame u abt being a bit kiss-arsey w/mom, esp. if u r feeling gd. if u hadn't she totally wd have been hounding u & dropping hints until she got something outta u.
alexandra, sum of the diffs betw canada & the states can b confusing. like we don't pronounce "programme" as "program me", like, "i'm a vcr, pls program me." we pronounce it the same way u do, just spell diff. same w/"neighbour" & "favourite"; the "u"'s r not typos. tho mike sumtymz 4gets he's canadian & starts spelling states-style.
i m so embarrassed the grade-9 english teacher is using mike's bad article.
apes
At 3:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra. i wuz glad 2 read ur post u were b-ing reprimanded nstead of n math. no, that’s not rite. i am not glad u were reprimanded. i mean 2 say that i wuz glad u were n the principal’z office & not math. no, that’s not rite. b-ing n the principal’z office stinks. i’m so retarded!
At 3:49 PM,
Anonymous said…
April no problems. And I mean that this time. Geez, I'm super embarrassed that my blog was actually read. Super super.
And that coffee candy was so nice. They're called "Coffee Crisps". I wonder if Jeremy has anyone?
Heheh! Oh Jeremy. You're so funny sometimes.
Becky! Hey maybe I can bring the principal to your party! Naw. Nevermind.
-A
At 4:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra. u can eat all the coffee candy i have. i have a lot left ovah frum halloween n my locker. that's not rite. i don't mean like ur skinny & need 2 eat, but...i can't rite. now it soundz like i'm sayin' ur fat, which ur totally not. w8. u sed, u wonder if i have ne1, not ne more. like cud i be ne more of a dork.
At 4:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
Jeremy, typo. I really meant "anymore".
Where are you right now? We can just talk before the bus.
-A
(PS: Bring a coffee candy. Pretty please.)
At 4:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra. i got the candy. cu there.
At 4:21 PM,
April Patterson said…
ooh, am talking 2 liz rite now!
apes
At 6:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
Howard,
After our conversation last night I decided to send Ms. McGuire, Becky's mother a dozen multi-colored roses. I also sent her two books Smart Women/Foolish Choices : Finding the Right Men Avoiding the Wrong Ones and Women and Self-Esteem : Understanding and Improving the Way We Think and Feel AboutOurselves
Also you will find this on your doorstep shortly. The outfit not the model honey, sorry. Tee hee!
Love,
Brenda
At 7:11 PM,
howard said…
Brenda,
The model and the outfit both look pretty good. I can’t wait to wear it the next time we are together. I hope that you can find some more time off from doing your interview with chef Rock Roquefort, like you did yesterday.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 7:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
Just. Curious. Can I have the model? He doesn't have to wear the outfit.
At 7:25 PM,
howard said…
April,
I got to cater a dinner at the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace this evening, and thought you might find some of the things that happened there interesting.
I got there to set up the food warmers and serving trays, when your grandpa Jim and step-grandmother Iris appeared, along with Ardith Narayan, the lady they hired as the caregiver for your grandpa. At the time, Ardith was getting ready to leave to go pick up her kids. Jim came up to me and said, “This food your making isn’t healthy food is it, Coward?” I told him that I had been given a list of dietary restrictions by the Seniors’ Living Palace. However, I assured him there was dessert. Jim said, “As long as you don’t have Brussels sprouts. They give me gas.” As it turns out Brussels sprouts were one of the vegetables selected. Jim was not happy about that, but went on, “Well, Coward. What do you think of our new Indian caregiver? She’s pretty easy on the eyes.” Iris overheard him and said, “Honestly Jim. How many times do I have to tell you that she’s Armenian, not Indian?” I said to Ardith, “You’re Armenian? I thought you were Indian.” Ardith said, “Really, Coward. Am I wearing Indian-style clothes or a bindi on my forehead?” I apologized to Ardith for my error, and she left to pick up her kids.
As I was preparing the dinner, I was making small talk with your grandpa. I said, “So how are you doing, given that your Dixie privileges have been removed?” Grandpa Jim chuckled and said, “They haven’t been removed. My daughter Elly brings Dixie over most weekends. She’s really gotten into talking about people she knows that have died lately, and nobody else will talk with her about that except me. So I said, ‘No Dixie, no morbid conversation.’ That did the trick. I just have to keep it secret from April.” I said, “Why’s that?” Jim said, “I love my granddaughter, but she has been a little temperamental lately. I can’t talk about Bobby Curtola music without her jabbering on about her urban musical expression. Plus she seems to have lost her sense of humour.” I said, “How do you mean?” Jim said, “This is just an example. April was over here the other day, I think it was last weekend, but I get dates confused. Anyway, she was talking about today’s culture and she said the word, ‘zeitgeist’. So I said, ‘Gesundheit.’ Then she said she didn’t sneeze, she just said the word, ‘zeitgeist’, like it's a trendy way to say ‘doing one's own thing’. Of course I just said, ‘Gesundheit’ every time she said the word, ‘zeitgeist’. It was a pretty funny joke, but April was not in the mood. She's definitely become a teenager.”
During the course of the dinner, your grandpa Jim had an interesting conversation with some of the residents. It went like this:
Old man #1: Eh, Jim. Are you and the Bentwood Rockers going to do anything for Remembrance Day on November 11th?
Jim: No. The Bentwood Rockers are on hold. We're waiting for Frank to recover from heart surgery and for Mavis to get over the flu. Instead, my daughter is going to get her web designer Stephanie to create a special web page devoted to my WW II exploits in honour of Remembrance Day. I gave her a few pictures of some of the planes I worked on and my personal wartime history. {pfft}
Old man #2: Who launched an air biscuit? I was in WW II, too, Jim. With whom did you serve?
Jim: I was in the RCAF Squadron No.408 – The Goose. I signed up in the spring of 1941 and joined the squadron when it was formed in Lindholme on June 24, 1941. {pfft}
Old man #3: Wow! That was a great big flowery woof woof. I remember Lindholme. That’s a nice place. Did you get to stay there long?
Jim: No. We were there for less than a month. Let me see if I can remember all the places. We formed the squadron in Lindholme as part of 5 Group. We went to Syerston and Balderton in 1941. Then North Luffenham for a month in 1942, before we went back to Balderton. Then they made us a part of 4 Group in September of 1942 and moved us to Leeming. We were only a member of 4 Group for 4 months, when they moved us to 6 Group. We moved to Linton-on-Ouse in December of 1943 and we stayed there until the war ended in Europe on May 8th, 1945. {pfft} After that, 6 Group bomber squadrons took part with other Bomber Command squadrons in Operation Exodus, the repatriation of war prisoners to England. Then 6 Group was dismantled; except for my squadron and 7 others to go into Tiger Force, for the final assault against Japan. But the war in the Pacific came to an end, before we got a chance to get involved. The "Goose" Squadron was disbanded on September 5, 1945 and we went home. I gave all those details to my daughter Elly. I hope she puts it in the web page, but all she seemed to want to talk about was how I met her mother. {pfft}
Old man #4: That was a pretty good trouser trumpet. I know what you mean about the ladies and romance. My daughter does not really care about the sacrifices we made during the war. All she cares about is wartime romances. I really like WW II aircraft. Which ones did you work on in the war?
Jim: Well, Squadron No.408 flew the Hampden I in 5 Group. In 6 Group, we flew the Halifax II, III, V, VII and the Lancaster II and X. I gave pictures of all those planes to my daughter with me standing in front of them with my crewmates. I hope she uses them instead of pulling random WW II airplane pictures off of other people’s computer sites. The "Goose" Squadron was reformed in 1949 in Ontario as a Photographic Reconnaissance unit and sometimes people who do not do proper wartime researching, associate the planes used by the squadron after the war with the wartime squadron. {pfft}
Old man #5: Whew. That one was a pants ripper. If you don’t do proper researching, I’m not sure why you would make a Remembrance Day tribute. I hope your daughter does not make that mistake.
Jim: Amen to that. {pfft}
Iris: Jim. You need to excuse yourself.
Jim: {pfft}
Anyway, that’s the conversation I overheard. I was a little hard to remember all the details, but I hope you find it interesting.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 7:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
Howard,
A recent investigation of Elly Patterson's web purchases, finds that she bought sexy little number It must be for John.
I will try to get away from The Chez tonight...it might be late though.
Love,
Brenda
At 7:50 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hmmmm Brenda says, "That must have been too hot for this little blog to handle."
Let us try again. Because you must see this.
Love and sweet dreams,
Brenda
At 7:56 PM,
howard said…
Brenda,
John Patterson would probably love that outfit. I will stay up tonight and wait for you.
Your darling,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 8:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
So I met Jeremy at the bus like we planned. He was so cute, just standing there waiting for me. When I saw him his hand was behind his back and when he say me he held the coffee candy in front of his face and, like, peeked behind it. Whatever else he did during that time I did not see because I was so fixated on the coffee candy. I think I ripped it out of his hands.
I also think I may have ate it too ... Orgasmically? I'm not even sure how I'd do that. I unwrapped the candy bar slowly, my eyes like buggin', and slowly slipped the candy bar into my mouth, and I closed my eyes and mouth at the same time. When I took that first bite I went, "Ooooo!" And then I chewed it so slowly, just savoring the flavor and texture. Every bite after that was kind of, like, "Oh that is so good! Hmmm!" Jeremy's eyes were totally buggin'. They looked a little blood shot too. I'm not sure he blinked the entire time it took me to eat the candy bar. I am so sorry Jeremy! I totally forgot to share. If you wanted a piece you could have asked. I could have broken a piece off the other side! So sorry.
So for a few minutes we just stood there. I was so embarrassed that I didn't even think to share the coffee bar with him I didn't really know what to talk about. You know? So anyhow, the person standing next to me, not Jeremy, on the other side, she's listening to her CD player super loud and I can hear every lyric and instrument. She was listening to Tim McGraw (GAG!) And I said to Jeremy, "Argh! I totally hate country," and he said, "Why?" and I'm, "You don't?" and he's, "I don't know. I like all music. I want to work in the music biz," and I'm, "Even country!?" and he's, "Sure." I couldn't look at him after that and I was so glad when the bus came!!
I got home and no one met me at the door so I'm thinking, "I might not be grounded anymore." I went up stairs and my mom called me back downstairs so I was thinking, "I'm probably still grounded." She called me down to set the table. We're kind of forced into eating dinner at the table every night but it's a good thing, I guess, because all the studies say it's a good thing. So as I'm setting the table mom goes, "How was school today?" I was really hoping to save this conversation until dinner was served. It went like this.
Me: It was alright. I got sent to the principal's office.
Mom, turned around from the counter holding a utensil: What?! Why?! What did you do?!
Me, setting the kitchen table: In English class the assignment was to fix the errors to this badly written article and I thought that included the spelling so I foolishly mentioned the errors.
Mom, sighing and going back to fixing dinner: What's your punishment?
Me: I have to read this stupid book on Canadian culture.
Dad just walking into the room: That could be good.
Me: I know. I also have to write a letter of apology to the English teacher using Canadian spelled words. Did you want to hear what I had so far?
Dad: Definitely.
Me, standing proper: Dear Teacher, I'm sorry to have upset you yesterday. You're my fav-u-ite teacher. I wouldn't mind if you were my neigh-bore at all. I bet you would be a great neigh-bore. I especially like the program-me of your English class. (The italicized words were all mispronounced when I was telling mom and dad the story)
Then my snotty sister walked in and the conversation changed her to day. I didn't listen ... Lack of care.
-A
At 8:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
Oh! April, mom did look in your file. She used the "I have a right to know about your friends personal lives!"
I didn't want an argument tonight so I didn't push the matter.
-A
At 8:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra. my dad playz n a country-western band, so i kinda grew up w/it & like it a lot, speshully my dad's stuff. i hope this duzn't mean u h8 me, cuz i kinda like u.
At 8:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
Jeremy,
If you have a CD of your dad's stuff, I'd love a copy.
-A
At 9:12 PM,
April Patterson said…
sorry so long no post, peeps! lots 2 respond abt & i won't get a chance 2 do it properly till 2morrow. but i did have a v. nice convo w/liz!
apes
At 1:09 AM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra. i burned sum copiez of my dad's stuff 4 u. i'll bring them 2morrow.
At 2:23 AM,
Anonymous said…
April Patterson,
Boozhoo (Hello)! My name is Paul Wright of the N'biising Nation (Anishinabek Crane Clan). I am a police officer in the Ontario Provincial Police, working for the Otter Country Correctional Services. I recently met a woman named Elizabeth Patterson, who told me that if I wanted to get to know her and her family better, that I should read her younger sister April’s Real Blog. That is the reason why I am writing this to you.
To let you know a little about myself, I was born and raised on Nipissing First Nation in Ontario, Canada. After I graduated from high school, I went to the Ontario Police College in Aylmer, Ontario, which is about 190 kilometers west of Toronto. After graduating, I was selected to be Constable. In my current assignment for the Otter County OPP, I work nights with my partner at a correctional centre that is less than a year old. My friends tell me I look like the actor Michael Greyeyes, if you are familiar with him. I don’t see the resemblance, but that’s what they say.
I met your sister Elizabeth in a round about way through your mother. On her way home from her trip to visit your sister, she spent the night at our detachment and left her prescription sunglasses there. We didn’t have her address and we never recorded her licence plate, but I remembered her saying that her daughter lived in Mtigwaki. I had a couple of days off, and I thought I would drive up to Mtigwaki and give the sunglasses to your sister to send to your mother. I have friends in Mtigwaki, so I figured I could combine a visit to them and deliver the sunglasses at the same time.
When I got to Mtigwaki, there was a stargazing party going on at the ball diamond and I was told your sister was the one who had set it up. I introduced myself to her, gave her your mother’s sunglasses, and with her permission offered to help her carry her telescope back to her house. We got along pretty well and I spent quite a bit of my days off getting to know her better. I am sure that you are already aware of this, but your sister is a really great person. My friends in Mtigwaki say that everyone in town likes her, and during the brief time I had with her, it was easy to see why. She enjoys the outdoors lifestyle, is always looking for a new challenge, and enjoys the simple things in life. She is very beautiful both inside and out.
I don’t know when I will get to see your sister again. When I mentioned the possibility of another visit, she said she would have to let me know. My friends said that the problem may be the idea of a long distance relationship and that Elizabeth was known to keep company with a couple of boys she knows in Spruce Narrows, a town nearby Mtigwaki. I will wait and see if your sister is interested in getting together again. In the meantime, when it gets dull at the correction centre, I will check your Blog and try to get to know Elizabeth better by knowing you better, if it’s OK with you.
Gawaabmin miinwa (Hope to see you again soon)
Constable Paul Wright
At 4:01 AM,
Anonymous said…
Rebecca Mcguire,
Boozhoo (Hello)! It’s good to hear from you. Those are interesting things you have to say about Elizabeth, but I doubt the sources for your stories. I am familiar with Billy Strongblood. He has a very strong opinion against interracial dating. He is bold in the telling of it, and his reputation depends on speaking truth.
Miigwech (Thank you) for saying you like my appearance, but I do not know where you could have seen my picture. It pleases me that you think Elizabeth is known for being able to keep giimooj (secret). She is a very fine woman.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
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