My Mom is a VAULT. With a BIG HOLE in it!
This morning, as I was leaving 2 get the bus 4 school, Connie Poirier motioned 4 me 2 go ovr 2 the fence. She was all, "April, I can't blame Liz 4 not being the sort of kid who tells yr mom everything. But U've gotta warn her abt letting her guard down during those long trips w/yr Mom. Looks as though her main purpose 4 even going on those trips w/her is 2 get her 2 'open up'. & then what does she do? Comes ovr 2 my place & spills everything ovr coffee! U shd have heard her, April: 'She talked about her pilot friend, Warren. She keeps in touch with him, and there are a couple of boys she knows in Spruce Narrows.' And I asked her, 'What about Anthony?' Yr mom replied, 'That's such a complicated situation. It's best if she stays away from him, Connie. ::sigh:: --I just want her to find some1 who'll make her happy.'" Here I interruped, & I was like, "Y wd U ask her 'What abt Anthony?' Anthony's married and has a baby. End of story." Next!" Connie rolled her eyes & sed, "Yes, I agree, April, but 4 the longest time, yr mom was saying 'We've got to find a way to get poor Anthony away fr. that soul-sucking Québecoise wife of his!' So saying 'What about Anthony' was merely a reflex response. NEway, here's what I sed next: I told her that Liz has plenty of time to find a serious relationship and that her 'biological clock' hasn't started 2 count down yet. U cd have knocked me ovr w/a feather when yr Mom said 'I know', b/c she sure as shit has been acting as if she doesn't. So I took this opportunity to tell her, 'So. . . . don't get so wound-up abt it.' I know U don't like puns, April, but that's usually the only way 2 get thru 2 yr mom & dad." I sed I understood. NEway, Liz, U totally hafta watch what U share w/Ma, cuz she's all "blahblahblahblahblah" w/our deets as soon as she has 'em.
Since I'm not Mom, I won't tell U what Liz sed 2 me when we got a chance 2 chat on the phone yesterday afternoon. Believe me, I'd luv 2 share, but I am doing my best 2 get ovr the worst Pattersonlike traits. So I hafta keep a secret. I think Liz will share more as she gets more comfortable being in this gr8 new sitch. And U'll C that the good Constable has posted in yesterday's comments. Liz told him that reading this blog wd B a gd way 2 get 2 know abt our fam & help understand Liz. So, welcome 2 our crayzee lil blog group, Constable Paul, & "Boozhoo" 2 U, 2. NEway, Paul seems like a real nice guy. & I can't help agreeing he lks kinda like the smokin'-hott Michael Greyeyes. Yum, yum.
There was a lot of other stuff goin' on in the comments last nite, & I'm sorry I didn't get a chance 2 post more. Liz & I were having our convo when I was @ the store, & I thot I was safe, cuz U know Mom hardly spends NE actual time there, y'know, working, but she came in & walked up 2 me just as I was ending this convo, & I was all, "Wow, Liz, that is sooooo gr8! I am sooooooo happy 4 U!" & Mom was all, "Spill the beanz, April! It's OK, U know I'm a VAULT when it comes 2 secrets!" & I sed, "Sorry, Mom, no-can-do. Sister code!" She was so pissed @ me she made me restock the shelves the rest of the evening. And then, when I was home, she sed I had 2 reverse-engineer the Happy Karma Meringue Fondue Fantastic Muesli-Jalapeno Gruyere Mung Bean Surprise. So that took until bedtime, practically.
Becks, Mom's also been yammering on & on abt getting yr Mom hitched 2 Dr. Ted. She sez, "I'll bet marriage will make him a better person. And poor Becky will do so much better w/a doctor as a stepdad. And I'll have all those cakes. OHHHHHHHHHHHH! Those cakes!" That's when I leave the room, cuz it gets kinda squicky.
Howard, I'm sorry U had 2 hear all that boring stuff & smell all that stink @ the oldfoax dinner last nite. I don't know Y Mom has Gramps keeping the Dixie visits a secret fr. me. She's the 1 who made such a big friggin' fuss abt enforcing the Dixie probation. I think she just wants drive a wedge betw us, which is so uncube. & U hafta admit, Gramps's zeitgeist joke is so not funny!
Alexandra, I saw Jeremy giving U that huge box of coffee candies and giant coffee mug this morning, & the CDs. That's pretty cube, yo!
Well, gotta go, next class is gonna start!
Apes out
Since I'm not Mom, I won't tell U what Liz sed 2 me when we got a chance 2 chat on the phone yesterday afternoon. Believe me, I'd luv 2 share, but I am doing my best 2 get ovr the worst Pattersonlike traits. So I hafta keep a secret. I think Liz will share more as she gets more comfortable being in this gr8 new sitch. And U'll C that the good Constable has posted in yesterday's comments. Liz told him that reading this blog wd B a gd way 2 get 2 know abt our fam & help understand Liz. So, welcome 2 our crayzee lil blog group, Constable Paul, & "Boozhoo" 2 U, 2. NEway, Paul seems like a real nice guy. & I can't help agreeing he lks kinda like the smokin'-hott Michael Greyeyes. Yum, yum.
There was a lot of other stuff goin' on in the comments last nite, & I'm sorry I didn't get a chance 2 post more. Liz & I were having our convo when I was @ the store, & I thot I was safe, cuz U know Mom hardly spends NE actual time there, y'know, working, but she came in & walked up 2 me just as I was ending this convo, & I was all, "Wow, Liz, that is sooooo gr8! I am sooooooo happy 4 U!" & Mom was all, "Spill the beanz, April! It's OK, U know I'm a VAULT when it comes 2 secrets!" & I sed, "Sorry, Mom, no-can-do. Sister code!" She was so pissed @ me she made me restock the shelves the rest of the evening. And then, when I was home, she sed I had 2 reverse-engineer the Happy Karma Meringue Fondue Fantastic Muesli-Jalapeno Gruyere Mung Bean Surprise. So that took until bedtime, practically.
Becks, Mom's also been yammering on & on abt getting yr Mom hitched 2 Dr. Ted. She sez, "I'll bet marriage will make him a better person. And poor Becky will do so much better w/a doctor as a stepdad. And I'll have all those cakes. OHHHHHHHHHHHH! Those cakes!" That's when I leave the room, cuz it gets kinda squicky.
Howard, I'm sorry U had 2 hear all that boring stuff & smell all that stink @ the oldfoax dinner last nite. I don't know Y Mom has Gramps keeping the Dixie visits a secret fr. me. She's the 1 who made such a big friggin' fuss abt enforcing the Dixie probation. I think she just wants drive a wedge betw us, which is so uncube. & U hafta admit, Gramps's zeitgeist joke is so not funny!
Alexandra, I saw Jeremy giving U that huge box of coffee candies and giant coffee mug this morning, & the CDs. That's pretty cube, yo!
Well, gotta go, next class is gonna start!
Apes out
posted by April Patterson @ 9:08 AM
35 Comments:
At 10:17 AM,
April Patterson said…
don't worry abt it liz, it was totally worth it! i m glad u've figured out a way 2 "tell" mom stuff w/out really telling her. that's awesome!
apes
At 10:47 AM,
Anonymous said…
Oh man its almost 11 am. I slept in an' Im l8 4 school. I didnt post last nite 'cos I fell asleep rite aft school. Ill tell u all abt TO 2nite.
L8r.
p.p.s. Beckers, meet me by the boiler room btween 4th an' 5th period? I miss u.
At 10:49 AM,
Anonymous said…
OMG, April, you saw what Jeremy gave me?
I got in early this morning to AVOID Jeremy, my mom dropped me off. I was heading towards my homeroom, totally not singing, and Jeremy comes up along side me and he's all, "Hey I know that song," and I'm, "What song?" and he's like, "The one you're singing so beautifully under your breath," and I'm, "I'm not singing anything ..." and he's, "Yeah, 'Rose Garden'. Did you know Martina McBride did a cover of that song?" and I'm, "No," really mean like, "Because I don't listen to country music," and he's, "Well you're singing the song and I know it's not in any commercials." And then, I swear, he starts singing!!! He's all, "'I beg your pardon I never promised you a rose garden/Along with the sunshine there's gotta be a little rain sometime'. My mom used to sing it around the house." And I'm like, "Whatever." Pfft. Country music.
Well then I notice he's got a box of coffee candy (OMG, I don't know where he got such a big box! I had to clean my locker out to store it.) and he's dad's CDs that he's copied. The CD cases are super cool* so stupid. He even went through the trouble of making insert covers for the case, you know what I mean? His dad's all cowboyed up in his boots and jeans, with his super cool* stupid cowboy hat on. He look so cool* stupid that I kind of felt sorry for Jeremy. So then I'm all, "Gosh. I was only being nice about wanting to hear your dad's music. You didn't have to go through all this trouble. But I'll listen to them anyhow since you went through all the trouble and all." Which I totally said so I could get the coffee candy.
So then Jeremy's all, "I'll carry them to your locker, your hands are full with your books for class," and I'm, "Fine. Good idea," so I had to take him back to my locker and start cleaning it out a little to store the candy ... So I'm cleaning out the bottom of my locker, right? And he's standing next to me holding the stuff yet and he's, "Hey, isn't that an 8x10 glossy of Tim McGraw stuck way in the back of your locker?" and I'm like, annoyed, and said, "Yeah. It was there when I got the locker," and he's like, "Hey, and Sara Evans," and I'm like, "Like I said..." and he's, "Huh, they normally do a good job of cleaning out the lockers at the end of the year, and those look like they're in pretty good condition." Well I grabbed the box of candy and threw it in my locker, threw my books and things on top of it, and slammed the door to my locker. I think I'm going to have crumbs for coffee candy. Anyway, I grabbed the big mug of coffee and CDs and I go, "Jeremy Jones! You are so nosy! I don't like you anymore. Don't talk to me anymore!" And I storm off with my coffee and CDs.
I know it's wrong of me to take the coffee and CDs after yelling at him like that but ... I really wanted both (and the coffee is delicious flavored coffee). I was so mad. Now I kind of feel bad about it but he shouldn't be assuming the stuff in my locker is mine like that and pressuring me and stuff. I'm going to be reading this stupid book I have to and listening to these super cool* stupid CDs today.
-A
*Italicized words should appear font size 1 but apparently I can't do that ...
At 10:57 AM,
April Patterson said…
man, dunc, u've gotta watch it w/the tardies! u'll get in2 trub again w/another suspension if u r not careful!
alexandra, now i know y i saw jeremy lookin' kinda sad. i'm prolly wrong, but i thot i saw u groovin' 2 1 of those cd's jeremy gave u. mayB i'm just mixed up abt which cd it was that u were listenin' 2.
even if u do like sum country songs, it's not like it wd make u uncube, tho. i don't really listen 2 it myself, but i gotta say "crazy" is classic. becks & i do a mad duet of that in sum of our gigz. we sort of rock-gothize it, but still. if u r in music, u gotta have an open mind.
apes
At 12:08 PM,
Anne said…
Hi, Alexandra! I think we're in the same Geography class. Can u believed we're gonna get quizzed on the topography of Liechtenstein??!!
NEway, I can't really get N2 country music (no matter how much Shania Twain's put Canada on the map!), but if u dig it, that's cool. It'd b a boring world if we were all alike. :-)
Do u wanna meet me @ Starbucks after school? I was busy thinking about Chris Cornell again n class an' my notes aren't that detailed. :-S So lemme know, drinks r on me!
At 12:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
april. i told my future sis ‘bout alexandra & how i’m a bfm w/her. she sed, “wut duz she like?” & i sed, “coffee & coffee candy.” my future sis sed, “give her sum 2 let her know u like her.” so i got my mom 2 take me 2 the store & got them 2 go along w/my dad’z cdz i burned last nite 4 alexandra. 1 of the cdz iz my mom’z favorite, “i can't stop loving you, my groupie”. the otherz were aftah my mom wuz pg w/me, “that baby’ll have to go”, “i stopped loving you today” and “why won’t that kid stop calling me?” i saw picturez of country music starz n alexandra’z locker, & stupid me thot they were herz. she got rilly mad @me & told me she duzn’t like me & not 2 talk 2 her. man. i screwed up again.
At 12:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
I totally meant it too Jeremy. Don't talk to me anymore. You know what, don't even look at me in math class. I don't like you.
Vicki, I'm totally there for coffee! We can discuss Chris Cornell all you want. He is sooooooooo cute!
I gotta go, I think I'm being watched ... Stupid teachers.
-A
At 12:57 PM,
Anonymous said…
becks. alexandra duzn't like country-western muzik & she duzn't like me. u can give the cdz 2 her if u wunt. i don't care. it's been a rotten day.
i just got a copy of the cable channel reality tv show w/the robert freeman party u played n. they showed it n the states on sunday. it's weird. sumhow they changed it so it luks like the owner of robert freeman's house had the party & there iz lotsa huey & riley, but guess wut--none of u or ne1 else we know. we were all cut.
At 1:00 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, i think florence henderson added the "mung beans" part herself cuz she's been doing her own sprouting & she has lots.
i think my mom's big mouth has made liz not wanna share 2 much abt her luv life.
that totally sux abt the freeman reality show! i can't believe it! :(
apes
At 1:25 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I am sorry to hear about the Robert Freeman reality TV show cuts. You just can't trust TV people to do what they say they will do. I am very disappointed because that was supposed to be my bud's big break. You are so talented, I am sure that one day they will regret having missed the chance to have been the ones to show your TV debut.
Not to change the subject, but I had a terrific night. Brenda Starr came over to my apartment late, and I wore the outfit she bought for me yesterday, and an eye patch. For some reason, eye patches really turn her on. As you may remember, she even has her dog Patch wearing one. Brenda said that her interview with chef Rock Roquefort was temporarily postponed again, because one of his dogs is still sick. I feel sorry for the dog, but I am definitely reaping the benefits.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 1:40 PM,
howard said…
April,
I read your Blog and saw you were upset about your mom keeping the Dixie visits to your grandpa secret from you. As near as I could tell, your mom only relented to your grandpa’s request for more Dixie, so she could have someone to talk to about people she knows that died. Probably she kept it a secret, because she did not want you to find out how easily she caved into your grandpa. There is a positive side to the whole thing though. Since your grandpa is listening to your mom talking about dead people, you don’t have to.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 1:57 PM,
April Patterson said…
yeah, gd pt about the dead-ppl talk. i know i don't wanna hafta hear that!
apes
At 2:03 PM,
Anne said…
Oh, come on Becks, every1 knows u'r a closet fan of
this guy! Just kidding...lol. Do u still want me to burn a copy of the Type O Negative CD 4 u?
Cool, Alex. Meet me on the front steps @ 3:00 p.m. I've gotta find a way 2 remember all the isthmuses of the world!
At 2:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest Rebecca,
I vote for the "sexy cook" dress! I got so excited when you showed the picture to me in gym class that Shannon Lake raised her hand in the middle of the football tutorial and yelled out,
"Coach!...Gerald...has...a...goalpost...in...his...shorts!"
Sincerely, your fashion expert friend Gerald
At 2:42 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, weird thing, alexandra! i was reading the mboro music message board, & i found a message fr. some1 whose handle is alex_luv-grade9. this person sed she luvs country music & has a sister she calls "notalex-luv". i thot this sounded really similar 2 u, but u keep saying u don't like country music.
apes
p.s. i thot the pic of the "sexy cook" outfit looked better than the other 1 becks.
At 2:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You have a great sense of humor. Humour. That's why I like you.
See you in the halls. ::Evil grin::
-A
At 3:24 PM,
Anne said…
I'm @ the Starbucks near school right now, typing this on my Sidekick. Alex says 4 shots of espresso supercharge her memory, so that should help me memorize all these isthusmuseses:
the Isthmus of Panama is the most famous isthmus. Connects North America and South America. the Isthmus of Corinth in Greece - the first isthmus to bear that name the Isthmus of Dubrovnik - today's Stradun, (main center street), which connected Laus and Dub into a single city unit.
the Isthmus of Suez - the isthmus between North Africa and Southwest Asia, in Egypt where the Suez Canal is located the Isthmus of Kra, which joins the Malay Peninsula with mainland Asia
the Isthmus of Avalon in Canada - separates the main island of Newfoundland from the Avalon Peninsula (where the capital, St. John's, is located)
the Isthmus of Chignecto - connects the mainland portion of Nova Scotia with North America
the Isthmus of Tehuantepec - connects Yucatan and Central America with the rest of Mexico
the Isthmus of Perekop between Crimea and Ukraine proper
the Karelian Isthmus between Gulf of Finland and Lake Ladoga
the Madison Isthmus, between Lake Mendota and Lake Monona in Madison, Wisconsin.
I guess I should take a study break an' have a crossiant or something. Alex says I'm starting to shake like Muhammad Ali on a bender. :-|
At 3:52 PM,
Anonymous said…
Isthmus? Argh, my mind has been some where else entirely all day today. Poor Vicki, she thinks I have an idea on what she's going on about. Smile and nod, smile and nod. Oh, stop smiling and nodding, she thinks it's the coffee and is about to cut me off. Maybe that's what I need, more coffee.
I'll tell you more about it when I'm home and can leave a longer post ...
-A
At 3:53 PM,
April Patterson said…
huh. as i was getting ready 2 leave school after the last class 2day, i saw alexandra in the hall. she goes, "april! i SEE u! told u i'd SEE u!" then she was off 2 meet vicki out front. hm.
apes
At 4:08 PM,
Anne said…
PSMACCKKTD. That's it. Alex, ur'a genius!
OMG Apes, I coulda sworn I saw ur brother an' Weed walk n. I heard Weed order a Frappucino an' Mike ask for a triple espresso mocha an' espresso brownie. They're at a corner table an' Weed's reading him this book. Is that like a man date or something?
At 4:22 PM,
April Patterson said…
i dunno, vicks, i wdn't put it past them 2 have a man d8. soundz like weed's tryin' 2 help mike improve his reading skillz.
apes
At 5:11 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I am finally getting to take a break before the supper crowd comes in and read your post about your mother’s dress choices. I can’t say that I like either one. Your mother’s skin colouring would favor darker or earthier colours than red or white. If she has to pick one of those, I would go with the red.
I have met Dr. McCauley, when he was consulting with Dr. Patterson about April’s mother’s tapeworm some weeks ago. He seemed like a competent professional, but I don’t know much more about him than that. I hope your mother is considering your feelings in selecting him as your step-father, since this would be a big change in your life also. By the by, your mother and Ted’s date doesn’t include dinner at the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant, does it? It would be a little awkward if I had to be there serving them, while they were on their first date.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 7:58 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, liz, not only did jesse take over yr message, but he mighta done something else, cuz i cdn't answer yr post 4 more than an hour!
u shdn't leave him w/yr puter unattended like that, esp. when u have yr browser open 2 this blog!
apes
At 8:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hey, Apes, Im awake. I had 4 XL dbl dbls aft school 2 make sure I stay up 4 awhile.
So the wedding was kinda boring but sum of the servers were fr JA an' TnT, an' they let me hang w/ them in the staff room 2 watch the Leafs game which was cube 'cos the Leafs won 4 a change. I thot the wedding band rilly sucked 'cos they were only playing crap like "my <3 will go on" an' "C of luv" an' "can u feel the luv 2nite", but aft they played Bajan tunes an' then they rilly cooked. I danced alot but no slow dances w/ hott chix 'cos I promised Beckers I wldnt. There werent ne hott chix neway.
On Sun we went 2 a matinee of the moscow cat theatre. This Russian d00d has trained cats 2 do all sorts of tricks like riding bikes an' pushing baby carriages an' doing handstands. R cat Falstaff doesnt do nething but eat an' sleep. MayB I can train him 2 b a performing cat an' make sum $$$ like this d00d.
Sun nite we went 2 the TO Little Dinner Theatre 2 c Romie & Julie. Oh, man. We were @ a table w/ a tour group whod taken the ferry fr Rochester NY. 1st the stage manager said there wld b a 1/2 hr delay 'cos the understudy 4 "Mrs. Sobinski/May" wld b going on. L8r he said there wld b another delay 'cos they had 2 page the understudy 4 the understudy 4 "Mercutio/Dog Harley" an' that d00d was coming in fr Newmarket. I heard the director say 2 the stage manager that Mercutio/Dog an' his understudy had quit an' gone 2 the pub down the street an' Mrs. S./May was in hospital aft slipping on scrambled eggs @ the Sun matinee performance.
So evry1 was bored an' the ppl fr Rochester bot bottles of wine fr the bar an' passed them round the table. My mom an' dad didnt drink @ 1st, but then they gave up an' did a coin toss 2 c who wld b the designated driver. My dad lost. My mom made sum new friends real fast an' went 2 the bar an' came back w/ a hole bottle of Bajan rum 4 her an' her new friends. They were all laffing and having a good time. Til the play started.
The only good thing abt the play was that it was dark so my dad cldnt c me drinking wine an' rum w/ mom an' her friends. We were all laffing @ Romie's lame lines. Romie was saying spewworthy stuff like Julies a "bliss bestowing little bimbo," and a "municifient, mellifluous little verona sausage."
An' then Romie made this speech:
My lotus flower of love
Rendezvous with me
In our usual place
Behind the gymnasium
Between 4th and 5th period
I long to kiss your perfect sweet pink lips
I promise not to try to get past first base
OK, second base, tops
My mom starts yelling, thats not iambic pentameter, Mike, u foob. My dads all like, Miranda, b quiet u r drunk an' my mom says so what I hafta live in Mboro thats reason enuf 2 b drunk. But she did stop yelling 4 awhile.
Then there was that May/Harley scene. Evry1 started booing an' my moms new friends starting whipping chicken bones @ the stage. The director stopped the show an' said they wldnt start again til the plates were cleared. Then sumbody threw a plate @ the stage an' my dad said we had 2 leave quick b4 the cops got there.
Outside my mom kept saying 2 her new friends, drink lots of water an' take tylenol 4 yr hangovrs 2morrow, Im a nurse so I no wwhat 2 do, take tylenol not aspirin, aspirins hard on the stomach, enjoy the rest of yr visit 2 TO, stay the **** away fr Mboro. My dad kept trying 2 get my mom 2 leave but it didnt work, she wldnt leave til we heard the cop car sirens. She had the ppl fr Rochester laffing @ her Mboro stories an' she wldnt leave till I put all of her new friends # in2 my cel which was hard 'cos I had the spins by then.
So my dad drove home which took 4evah 'cos he had 2 keep pulling over 4 me an' my mom 2 barf. I thot Id be in trouble 4 drinking but my 'rents havent said nething 2 me yet. MayB my mom doesnt remember an' my dad thinks I was punished enuf by having 2 go 2 the stoopid play. I dunno.
L8r.
p.s. My moms rite abt the tylenol an' water.
At 9:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
I feel so bad about today : (
I was totally mean to Jeremy and he probably didn't really deserve it. I just kept thinking about it all day today. My mind wasn't on anything else. It totally sucked. Apparently we learned about isthusmuseses or something and I didn't even know that much until I read Vicki's post from Starbucks. It was *THAT* bad. I was at Starbucks with Vicki and checking the blog to see if Jeremy had said anything. I totally suck = ( Every time I went to my locker and I saw my crushed box of coffee candy from Jeremy, I thought of Jeremy and felt sick. It totally sucked = (
So after school, before I met Vicki and after I yelled, ""April! I SEE you! Told you I'd SEE you!" (In my defense I was in a silly mood. Blame the lack of coffee.) I had to go see Jeremy. So I see Jeremy standing, waiting for the bus and at seeing him I found myself thinking, "Gosh, he really is kind of cute," and then I thought, "My mom might be right about therapy."
So I walked up to him with lots of courage -- yeah right! -- and said, "Here are your CDs back," and he said -- without even looking at me!!! -- "I don't want 'em. Becky gave me hers back." An' without thinking I'm, "Can I have 'em!?" What an IDIOT! He's all, "Why?" and I'm like, "I don't know, I kind of liked some of the songs. A few of them, like, 'It's Me or That Baby, Bitch' and 'Why Won’t That Kid Stop Calling Me?' kind of sound like something George Strait would sing," and he's all, "I thought you didn't listen to Country music, didn't like it," and I'm, "Well I don't, my dad listens to it and I'm 'Who's that?' and he's 'George Strait' and I'm 'Cool'. You know, you hear it." FINALLY he turns around and looks at me, the little rat, and I'm, "I really liked 'Crack Whore Bitch'. I didn't expect to hear that in Country music," and he said, "My dad wrote that to my mom." And I'm "Nice." and then I saw Vicki waving me down and I'm like, "I gotta go," and he's "Here. One less thing for me to carry," and I'm, "Thanks." and then I met Vicki. I think Jeremy and I might be on speaking terms.
OMG You know what I never mentioned, like, all day today. I wore a low cut, v-neck shirt and that rat Jeremy never noticed. I suppose I should be happy that he was such a gentlemen. Instead it made me feel well ... Not attractive.
Vicki is so so cool. I feel soooooo bad about totally blanking on her with the coffee. She was quizzing me those isthusmuseses things we had to learn and I swear I think I answered, "Isthmus of Jeremy" once. She didn't even, like, tease me on it. She's so so cool. So I don't know if I should tell you about our conversation TO Starbucks because she didn't post it (She's THAT cool). I was totally blanking so I wasn't thinking ... She kind of tricked me. I'll tell ya if you PROMISE not to, like, push on the subject.
Okay so ... You PROMISE! Pinky swear!?
So we're walking to Starbucks and she asks, she goes, "So do you like Gary Allen?" I'm such a f00b because I didn't even, like, realize what she asked. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Bless her for being away from the school when she asked me this. God.
So anyhow the conversation goes like this. I'm so stupid. And Vicki's evil.
Me Yeah
She MUST HAVE Googled, like, "obscure country artists" because Gary Allan isn't, as far as I'm concerned, all that well known. I mean, it was only, like, last year that he was nominated for the Horizon Award and he was insulted by that because he's been in the business for 10 years. OMG look me going on about something ... Right back to the conversation.
Vicki What's your favorite song?
Me Right now? I don't know, I really like his new one, "Best I Ever Had".
Vicki Huh. What's it about?
Me Well see, his wife killed herself and this song by Vertical Horizon got him through it. So he did a cover.
Vicki Wow! Killed herself.
Me Yeah, OMG you should totally hear his new CD. I bought it as soon as it was released. All the songs are about his wife and dealing with her death. I saw him in concert at Turning Stone before moving in.
Vicki Where's Turning Stone?
Me It's an Indian Reservation/Casino near where I lived before. The concert was amazing.
As soon as we got to Starbucks and I smelled the coffee I realized what happen and I BEGGED Vicki not to say anything because I was so embarrassed and she so super cool and didn't say anything so now I'm asking you guys not to say anything.
I gotta go ... Jeremy, I'll see you at math?
-A
At 9:54 PM,
April Patterson said…
i won't say nething, alexandra, but really i don't think ne1 wd think bad abt u 4 the songs u like. u r way lucky u didn't get in trub 4 wearing a non-uniform top in school 2day. becks wore a v-neck like that our 1st wk of school & the principal totally made her change.
dunc, i m sorry u had 2 c that awful play, but i wanna hug yr mom 4 sayin' that abt iambic pentameter. we spent sooooo much time learning abt it in english & i'll betcha mike doesn't know what it is. & props 2 those new friends of yr mom's throwin' bones @ the stage during that scene that's, like, practically libel against me. oh, rite, i know, mike changed the names. & it's fiction. like that pos novel u say u r writing. arse. (sorry i get so mad whenever i think abt all that mess.) oh, & go leafs, eh? we shd all go catch a game sumtyme.
becks, ted seemz ok. my mom doesn't seem so crazy abt him but my dad hangs w/him a lot. a long time ago, dr. ted d8ed connie poirier, & she totally thot he'd marry her, but then he got all coldfeety & backed off. i think that's a big part of what my mom has against him. but i think even connie thinx that's like ancient history & she ended up marrying greg neway, so whatevs.
liz, i hope jesse doesn't go nuts when he sees u spending time w/paul.
apes
At 10:30 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
Just as you predicted, your mom and Dr. Ted McCauley came into the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant for their dinner date. When I sat them down, Ted asked for a bottle of Château Lafite Rothschild. I sadly informed him that Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant does not stock that wine, so he just told me to give them our best, which I did. Your mother did not seem to be distressed at my being her server. In fact, she seemed to take great delight in it. She sent back the appetizer, her salad, her entrée and her bread with great gusto. When I wasn’t replacing her food, this is the conversation I heard:
Dr. Ted McCauley: I must say it was quite a surprise when Elly Patterson called me up to go on a blind date. She has borne a grudge against me for years, ever since I stopped dating her best friend, Connie Poirier. Connie has been married for ages now, but almost 20 years later Elly still gives me grief about it and says that I should have pursued Connie.
Krystle McGuire: Teddy, you don’t mind if I call you Teddy, do you?
Dr. Ted McCauley: Not at all. What do you like to be called?
Krystle McGuire: Sex goddess. {laughing} Oh, I am just kidding. Krystle is fine.
Dr. Ted McCauley: You were saying?
Krystle McGuire: Teddy, I have a confession to make. I own Krystle’s Kakes and Pies and Elly Patterson is my best customer. In fact, she calls me her best friend. I told Elly that I wanted to meet the most eligible bachelor in Milborough and she said that was you.
Dr. Ted McCauley: Most eligible? That’s very flattering Krystle.
Krystle McGuire: What I want to know Teddy, is how come nobody has ever nailed you before now? You’re a doctor in private practise, so you’re rich. Plus you’re straight and not dead. Why hasn’t some woman {bad word} you until you can’t see straight and then slapped a ring on your finger when you weren’t looking?
Dr. Ted McCauley: Krystle. It’s a well-known fact in Milborough that the straight men age quickly. What is not as well-known is that the reason for this aging is related to an enzyme secreted by Milborough women. I didn’t want to die, so I didn’t get married. Simple as that.
Krystle McGuire: So, you’re ready for death now? Is that why you agreed to go out with me?
Dr. Ted McCauley: Krystle. Don’t get upset. I was mainly curious about with whom Elly Patterson would set me up.
Krystle McGuire: So, what do you think? Do you like the tits? I paid a lot of money for these.
Dr. Ted McCauley: As a doctor, I get to look at tits all the time. However, yours are quite nice looking.
Krystle McGuire: So, what are you looking for in a woman, Teddy? Do you want someone who will knock your socks off in bed or what?
Dr. Ted McCauley: I want a woman who looks good and likes to lives well.
Krystle McGuire: I can do that.
Dr. Ted McCauley: I want a woman who likes travel and doesn’t mind regular trips to Paris, Italy and Greece.
Krystle McGuire: I like travel.
Dr. Ted McCauley: I want a woman who doesn’t mind when I drive around town in my fancy new sports car.
Krystle McGuire: I like sports cars.
Dr. Ted McCauley: I want a woman who will cook, clean and sew for me, just like my beloved mother (May she rest in peace) did.
Krystle McGuire: Did I mention that I have a daughter? She’s really good at that stuff.
That’s about all I heard. They left the restaurant a few minutes ago and they were both laughing. I think it’s safe to say your mother likes Dr. Ted McCauley. Since I see from your post that you are in the trunk of the car, I suppose you can tell me what happened next.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 10:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
Rebecca McGuire,
I just came on duty and saw your post. I strongly recommend that you get out of the trunk of the car. Asphyxiation is a very common cause of death associated with trunk entrapment.
Howard Kelpfroth,
If there is any way that you can get Rebecca out of that car, you should do it.
Constable Paul Wright
At 10:42 PM,
howard said…
Constable,
I called Becky's mother on her cell phone and told her where she was. Becky's mother wasn't happy but Becky is out of the trunk now. Thanks for alerting us to the danger. I certainly did not want Becky to die in the back of Dr. Ted McCauley's car.
Thanks,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 10:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
Howard Kelpfroth,
I am relieved to hear that Rebecca is all right. Thank you for reacting so swiftly to a dangerous situation.
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:08 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I have finished the clean up of the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant and I will see you in a few minutes.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 11:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
april. i’ve been talkin’ 2 my future sis 'bout alexandra agin. i thot alexandra nevah wanted 2 talk 2 me agin & then she started talkin’ 2 me wen i wuz w8ing 4 the bus. i think she saw me lookin’ @ her boobz. she wuz wearin’ a low cut v-neck shirt instead of the uni & they were sort of there. wen she saw me lookin’ @them she sed "i gotta go," & ran away 2b w/vicki simone. my future sis sez it’s tuff 2 b a boy cuz girlz wear low cut stuff 2 show off their boobz & then they xxpect the boy not 2 look. i hope alexandra’z not mad @ me. i am definitely not lookin’ @her boobz 2morrow.
At 11:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Boozhoo (Hello)! It’s a slow night tonight. I finished reading the things your sister’s friends wrote today. Most I don’t understand.
I read what you wrote this morning. I don’t want to embarrass you, so I will not read anything you wrote about me before today. This I swear on my ancestors in the stars. If you don’t want me to write to you here, I will stop.
Before I do, I have a question. Was the boy that was following us around all weekend and looking in your windows at us, Jesse Mukwa?
Gawaabmin miinwa (Hope to see you again soon)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:52 PM,
howard said…
April,
I am here at Becky’s house. We are in her garage doing a voice lesson, to try to cover the noise. For reasons that I am unable to discern, Dr. Ted McCauley is a screamer. Becky’s not going to be able to get any sleep until Ted and Krystle are done. If Dr. McCauley becomes her new step-dad, she is going to need some serious ear protection to get any sleep at night.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 1:46 AM,
Anonymous said…
Rebecca McGuire,
For your miigwech (thank you) I say miigwech gayegiin (you’re welcome). You can call me Mr. Wright, when I am off-duty. On-duty, I prefer Constable Wright. Under no circumstances should you call me Paul “Dudley Do” Wright. Only my family can call me by that name.
I hope it will not be necessary to rescue you in the future. In case I wasn’t clear before, I proudly wear the uniform of the Ontario Provincial Police, not the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Many young girls fantasize about Mounties. The OPP is not as glamourous as the Mounties but it is apiitendaagozi (worthy).
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
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