Give Away/Keep
All this talk abt the future @ Ger's last nite had me thinkin' abt the past & how I'm growing up (when I'm not shrinking). So I put a buncha my old kiddie stuff in a box 2 give away. Then my mom got this lk on her face she gets when she's remembering the past an' I saw all these thot bubbles where she pictured me playing w/my ol' toyz when I was lil Aypo. And she changed the "Give Away" box 2 a "Keep" box and stashed it in her own closet. She totally makes me feel that she liked me way better when I was a toddler. Y'know, when I was "full of beans" & she "loved me 2 bits". Hmm, now I wonder if my shrinking a coupla dayz ago was fr. Mom wishing really, really hard.
So, after Ger's dad made us watch that Milborough Golddiggers movie, he was all, "Now it's time 2 watch sum of my old stag filmz!" But Mrs. F said, "No, Aloysius! U promised!" & he kinda slinked away all pissed. It was weird that with Dr. F all obsessed abt getting his son started on the sex stuff way 2 early, that his mom is like equally obsessed on getting him, like, engaged & planning his whole future B4 we're even outta grade 9. It's a wonder those 2 can live 2gether, let alone B married all these yrs! @ least I got 2 spend time w/my Ger. That was cube.
So, in other news, Jeremy & Alex seem 2 have had a fun d8 last nite & the Leafs won! Yay! Dunc & Becks have made up an' R back 2 the happy kissing. But up in Mtiglalaland, Jesse's gettin' all jealous abt Paul & posting threatening comments on the blog. Chill, lil boy!
Hey, & my face is, like, all clear 2day! Amazing! But Sundays R often oddly disconnected fr. the rest of our dayz. I hope I don't wake up 2morrow 2 find the zits back. :(
Apes
So, after Ger's dad made us watch that Milborough Golddiggers movie, he was all, "Now it's time 2 watch sum of my old stag filmz!" But Mrs. F said, "No, Aloysius! U promised!" & he kinda slinked away all pissed. It was weird that with Dr. F all obsessed abt getting his son started on the sex stuff way 2 early, that his mom is like equally obsessed on getting him, like, engaged & planning his whole future B4 we're even outta grade 9. It's a wonder those 2 can live 2gether, let alone B married all these yrs! @ least I got 2 spend time w/my Ger. That was cube.
So, in other news, Jeremy & Alex seem 2 have had a fun d8 last nite & the Leafs won! Yay! Dunc & Becks have made up an' R back 2 the happy kissing. But up in Mtiglalaland, Jesse's gettin' all jealous abt Paul & posting threatening comments on the blog. Chill, lil boy!
Hey, & my face is, like, all clear 2day! Amazing! But Sundays R often oddly disconnected fr. the rest of our dayz. I hope I don't wake up 2morrow 2 find the zits back. :(
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 9:39 AM
16 Comments:
At 10:56 AM,
Anonymous said…
apes, i’m so glad ur zits cleared. mom’s spell musta worked. sorry mine didn’t.
dunc & i did sum gr8 makeup kissing yestuhday. i wuz bettah than regular kissing. rilly intense. u shud try breaking up w/ger sumtyme, just so u can get the makeup kissing. neway. last nite, my mom came home rilly happy. she sed jelly fatterson came n2 krystle’s kakes & pies an’ put n a ginormous order. she wuz so happy, she 4got ‘bout her trying 2 get howie fixed. dr. ted came ovah & he had this dress 4 me. he sed it wuz a bridesmaid dress, but it wuz totally an old ladeez dress. he also had this gray-hair wig 4 me 2 wear. i told him there wuz no way i wuz wearing thoze thingz n a wedding an’ my mom agreed w/me this tyme. after i got home frum being w/mr. purple lips of pleasure, howie wuz all depressed ‘bout b-ing a dog. he sed he wunted 2b a service dog 4 the disabled, so he cud do thingz 4 peeps. i got on the net & read him all the stuff there ‘bout service dogz. he is rilly impatient 2 do it, but the material all sez u hafta go 2 a dog skool & be trained frum when ur a puppy. so, we may take him ‘round sum old folks & c if ne1 wunts him 2b a service dog. do u know ne1? gotta leave, mom sez we hafta go 2 church this morning, so she can get n gud with the church where she wunts 2 get married.
ttyl,
becks
At 11:18 AM,
Anonymous said…
Apes,
I don't understand. The stuff that u were going 2 give 2 the Salvation Army 2day, on their special "Drop Off Sunday" where every1 in town was volunteering & donating their still good stuff, ur mom put in her closet? My mom was really looking forward 2 going through ur old toys. She was hoping 2 find sumthing for my little cousin for his b-day. I was hoping mayb u'd B dropping off sum of your sis's unwanted stuff 2.
At 1:07 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, mayB ger & i will pretend we're broken up so we can makeup. i'll ask gramps if ne1 wants a svc dog.
liz, it's a wonder mom ever bot me those toyz, instead just givin' me "time". i kept the white bunny cuz i kept everything.
eva, yeah, i wanted 2 donate my stuff, but mom totally vetoed that. it's a shame, i know.
apes
At 1:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
Jeremy is so sweet, taking me to my first NHL game, and telling me all that I missed. We shared a soda at the game. I had no idea he didn't like lying. I like that because I suck at lying. The reason my family's never been to an NHL game is because the arenas are so far away, there aren't any NHL franchises around upstate NY, so we got into college hockey instead and haven't really looked back.
I was telling Jeremy, when he was telling me about Howard being a dog, that I didn't know Howard and he said, "You've never met Howard?" and I said, "No," and he said, "Are you sure?" and I said, "I'm positive," and he said, "What about at Becky's party when you met my future sis?" and I said, "No, I didn't meet anyone but your future sister and you at that party," and he said, "Huh," and I said, "Yeah," and he said, "You'll have to meet him. He's a big black dog now," and I said, "Um. Okay. Maybe tomorrow", which would be today. So I think Jeremy and I are getting together today, I don't know, I'm waiting for his phone call.
On the drive home I was thinking of all Jeremy told me and all that he did and I moved to sit next to him and held his hand and rested my head on his shoulder for the drive home and told him, "You're really brave," and he said, "I am?" and I said, "Yeah," and he said, "Okay," and I thought some more and I whispered, "I think I'll tell you next weekend if I'll be your for sure girlfriend."
It was a really good night.
Alex
At 1:30 PM,
April Patterson said…
it soundz like a gr8 nite, alex! that's cube! :)
apes
At 5:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i went by alexandra’z house 2 take her 2c howard az a dog, since she had never met him. we went by becky’z house, which wuz a little scary cuz i wuzn’t sure how becky wud take me bringing alexandra 2 her house. she wuzn’t mad @all. she wuz n a pretty gud mood. i sed, “alexandra wud like 2 meet howard.” becky sed, “he’z not here. he’z ovah @april’s grandpa’z apartment. he got a job there az a service dog 4 the disabled. i hafta go pick him up & u can come w/me.” i wuz a little nervous ‘bout spending time w/my ex-gf & my would-like-2b-my gf. u know, cuz it’s the guy’z worst nitemare 2 have the girl u used 2 care ‘bout talkin’ 2 the girl u care ‘bout. it wuz just az bad az i thot. the whole way walkin’, becky wuz tellin’ every embarrassing story she knew ‘bout me & alexandra wuz lissening rilly intently like she wuz taking notes & then she wud luk back @me & smile. alexandra heard ‘bout “germy wormy jeremy jones” song & the tyme wen becky dared me 2 kiss u @that howard party (&i did & geranium attacked me) & the story ‘bout b-ing set on fire & b-ing chased by xxploding clownz. i cudn’t w8 4 us 2 get there. by the tyme we got 2 ur grandpa’z apartment, becky & alexandra were laffin’ & talkin’ 2 each othah like they were best friendz. becky knocked on the door & she introduced us 2 ur grandpa & iris. she sed, “where’z howard?” iris sed, “urm. we need 2 talk 2u ‘bout howard.” ur grandpa sed, “yeah. i think i accidentally killed him.” becky sed, “wut? where iz he?” they tuk us n2 their bathroom & howard dog wuz lying on his back w/hiz legz n the air. iris sed, “i think he’z dead. sorry ‘bout that.” ur grandpa sed, “eh. he wuz 2 big 2 get n2 the freezer.” becky sed, “wut iz it w/ur fam’ly & freezing dead animalz? how cud u kill howie?” she started cryin’ rilly hard & alexandra gave her a hug. then she stopped suddenly & motioned 2 me 2 come ovah where she wuz w/alexandra. she sed, “howie iz alive. help me take him outa here.” i sed, “ok. wudya wunt me 2 do?” she sed, “pick him up.” so becky sed, “i’m gonna give howie a proper burial. jer & alex, wud u help me carry him?” i and alexandra sed, “ok.” so we carried howard outa the apartment & az soon az we got outa site frum the apartment, the dog rolled over & started walkin’ by hisself. i sed 2 becky, “wut’s going on?” becky sed, “howie sed he had 2 play dead 2 save hisself.” so becky & alexandra & i went 2 a nearby park so howard cud run ‘round a bit & do hiz bizness. becky sed we didn’t needta b close cuz he wuz prolly gonna squirt sum havarti cheese & it wuz nasty. i am swinging alexandra on a swing. she sed, “howard iz a rilly pretty dog.” she may have sum thingz 2 say 2u ‘bout wut happened l8er.
At 6:02 PM,
Anonymous said…
apes, I had an adventure this aftahnoon w/howie. wen u posted that ur grandpa mite know sum1 who needz a service dog 4 the disabled, he sed 2 me, “y don’t we just go by there? it wud be ez, cuz i alreddy know wut kinda help they need.” so we went by there. i xxpained ‘bout howie b-ing a dog now & how he wunted 2b a service dog 4 the disabled. i don’t think they b-lieved it wuz rilly howie. ur grandpa jim wuzn’t 2 happy 2c me, cuz he wuz still a little upset ‘bout 4-evah breakin’ up. he kept on sayin’, “ru sure the dog iz gud enuff? i donna if hiz fur iz gud enuff. mebbe his service skillz aren’t gud enuff.” iris sed, “we alreddy have ardith narayan 2 help us, dear. we don’t needa dog.” ur grandpa sed, “i cud use a dog, speshully a pretty dog like that 1. lemme try him out 4 a day.” i sed ok & iris sed ok, since it wuz only a day. so i left howie there & went home. just az i wuz goin’ back 2 get howie, jeremy & his new bf alex showed up @my house cuz they wunted 2c howard az a dog. i wuz gonna get mad @jer, cuz it iz way rude 2 bring ur new gf 2 ur ex-gf’s house, but i decided the best way 2 let jer know wut he did wrong, wuz 2 tell alex every last piece of dirt i knew ‘bout him. it wuz funny apes. u shuda been there. u cuda sung the “germy wormy jeremy jones” song w/me, since it iz ur song afta all. jer’s face just got redder & redder. u know he won’t do that again. alexandra’z pretty cube tho. she iz way 2 gud 4 jeremy.
wen we got 2 ur grandpa jim’s house, they told me they killed howie & i wuz rilly crying hard ‘bout that wen i heard howie’s telepathy tell me he’z just pretending 2b dead. he sed that rite afta i left, ur granpa tuk him outa the apartment & started using him 2 flirt w/girlz. he sed granpa talked ‘bout how he tried the same thing w/dixie but her rat-face drove wimmen away. he sed the wimmen wud come up 2 pet him & then ur grandpa wud say sum old man line 2 them, like “baby, wanna come for a ride on my walker?” or “if i and my dog followed you home, would you keep us?” ur grandpa didn’t get lucky, but howie sed he had sum interesting smellz while he wuz tryin’. wen they got back 2 the apartment, howie sed that ur grandpa kept feeding him havarti cheese & he cudn’t stop eatin’ it. sum sorta dog thing ‘bout nevah refusing food. so, he sorta rolled ovah & pretended 2b ded, so ur grandpa wud stop feedin’ him. then ur grandpa started sayin’ “man down” & “we don’t leave a soldier b-hind” & wuz on the fone 2 the vac, till iris stopped him. jer & alex helped me get howie outa there. he had the squirtz rilly bad @the park n the treez where nobody walks. howie sed, “i nevah evah wanna eat, c, or smell havarti cheese again.”
At 6:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
Wow. Howard's got jewels.
Becky was really nice. And to think I was afraid of her all this time. After she told me about the "Germy Wormy Jeremy Jones" song, the time when she dared Jeremy to kiss you at that Howard party (and he did and Geranium attacked him), the story about being set on fire, and being chased by exploding clowns, she told me "BTW, loved your 'reap the benefits' line from that time I was upset by all the love everyone else was gettin'. That was a good dig." I know I probably blushed, like, the deepest color red that's safe for a person to blush. I was like, "Gee, thanks," because I couldn't think of anything else to say. Now that I think of it, I think she was just being nice. Then she started laughin' so I joined in out of confusion.
So, yeah, Howard. Wow. I wasn't expecting to meet him like that, you know? I walked into the bathroom and his, like, jewels and everything was just, like, right there. It was hard not to stare. I was really thankful when Becky started crying because it gave me a reason to stop staring at Howard's, like, royalty. Course, then we had to carry Howard out of the house and down the street. Becky was carrying Howard's head and Jeremy and I had a back hind leg and with every step ... Howard's package ... Bounced. I was surprised when Becky said, "Put him down," and we did and Howard rolled over and started walking by himself. Since Becky can apparently read Howard's mind, I was really concerned that Howard could read mine. I don't think he could though ... I stayed by Jeremy in the park. If I ever get a dog, it's going to be a female.
I thought it was so sweet when Jeremy asked to push me on the swing. I was kind of nervous, you know, because I hadn't been pushed on a swing since I was a little girl so I was nervous about knocking him over or kicking him when I pumped my legs. I wasn't sure how I was suppose to act, you know? I tried to think of some romantic movies that involved swing pushing and how the girl acted but nothing really came to mind. I just kept imagining Jeremy getting knocked over on my return swing. I tried to stay low and, like, slow. I thought conversation would help so I said, "Howard is a really pretty dog," and Jeremy said, "Yeah," and on my return swing to him I said, "What kind is he?" and he said, "A newfie," and I said, "Oh, I don't know that breed," and, I don't know, maybe my sentence was too long for him to hear as I swung away because he stopped me from swinging and said, "What?" and I turned to look at him and I said again, "I don't know that breed," and he said, "Oh. He's a Newfoundland," and I said, "Oh I don't think they have them in the States." Then he started pushing me again and I bet I know why too, he was probably thinking, "Stupid American girl, I can't want to get away from her." I was going to suggest he sit in the swing next to me and we could swing or just sit and talk but I felt like such an idiot for not knowing what breed Newfoundland was I decided to just swing.
I'm such an idiot.
Alex
At 6:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April,
My little Sunflower, there is no need to break up with me to maximize the kissing that you will receive from me. I assure you that every day I practice kissing using exercises from the instruction manual, “The Guide to Kissing.” My father tells me that in order to go from first base to any other bases, kissing is the primary means of influencing base-running. My mother tells me that a good trust fund and a substantial family inheritance are also effective, and that I should mention those to you also. I think my technique has improved, and I am sure that the wear and tear on my stuffed animals and mirror are proof enough of my diligence in this area and the benefit to your bilabial pleasure. Do not allow Becky to influence you to break up with me. You have my promise that every kiss I give you will be my very best, except for the time I kiss you just before that kiss and just after that kiss and all the other kisses too. They will also be my very best. My point is, don’t break up with me. I fear the blind dates that my parents would thrust upon me, if I was left out in the cold and unprotected by my little periwinkle, even for a short period of time.
Sincerely and kissingly yours, Gerald
At 6:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
april. we were n the park & i wuz swingin’ alexandra, which wuz kinda fun & talkin’ ‘bout howard b-ing a newfoundland. i sed i thot newfie’s were frum canada only & alexandra got a little quiet. then becky yells sumthing @me & i turned 2 luk & wham! on the ground from alexandra’s return swing. i felt rilly stupid & alexandra wuz all upset she hurt me. she sed, “i knew this wud happen.” becky wuz laffin’ rilly hard & so i started laffin’ & wen she saw i wuzn’t hurt, alexandra started laffin’ 2.
aftah the park i wuz walkin’ alexandra home & she started talkin’ ‘bout how if she evah got a dog, it's gonna b a girl dog. i asked her y & she got rilly quiet & turned red. i figgered it wuz tyme 2 change the subject, so we talked bout c/w musick & last nite’s game. we passed by my house & i sed, “do u wanna eat dinner @my house?” she sed no. her mom wuz xxpectin’ her. i sed ok & we went 2 her house. we got 2 her door & she stopped there like she wunted me 2 do sumthing, so i did. her dad opened the door & sed, “wut ru2 doin’ out here?” alexandra sed, “i wuz just sayin’ bye 2 jeremy.” he sed, “the canucks r playin’ the mighty ducks. ur missin’ it.” so, alexandra went n. i can’t w8 2 her again @skool 2morrah.
i got home & wuz tellin’ my story 2 my future sis on the fone. she sed, “u dope. newfoundland dogz r all ovah the states. just cuz they’re called newfoundland duzn’t they are only n newfoundland. alexandra prolly thot u were callin’ her stupid.” i got rilly embarrassed & called alexandra 2 tell her i wuz sorry. her dad answered the fone & sed, “hockey’s on. yru interrruptin’?” i told him 2 tell alexandra newfoundland dogz are in the states & i’m sorry. he sed, “is that sum kind of teenage code language?” i sed no. he sed, “i’ll tell her, but next tyme don’t call during the hockey game.” i sed i wudn’t.
At 7:08 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, don't worry, i won't break up w/u. i already think u r a gr8 kisser.
wow, becks, tell howie i m so sorry my gramps put him thru that. i don't know what it is w/him, dogz, & that st00pid havarti cheese. so ew, ew, ew!
@ least it soundz like becks, jeremy & alex all got sum fun out of the day.
dunc's dad & my dad had 1 of their playdates, so dunc & i jammed & had coffee & tim balls @ horny tim's. then i had a buncha homework i had 2 do. yuck.
apes
At 7:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
I am totally laying off the chicken wraps at school. It is so obvious that I've gained weigh. Just like I thought would happened, happened. I knocked Jeremy over with my back swing. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Becky was laughin' really hard and then Jeremy started laughing so then I started laughing so I wasn't the only one not laughing. Only, I think I really hurt Jeremy, on the walk home he was limpin'.
On the walk home I didn't want to bring up the swinging incident so I figured we could discuss Howard the wonder dog. 'Cept I was still fixated on Howard's jewels -- it's like I close my eyes and there they are ... Bouncing, it's awful -- so the only thing I could think to say was, "If I ever get a dog, it's gonna be a girl dog." Of course, Jeremy's gotta ask me why that is. I couldn't tell him it's because Howard's got the biggest pair I've ever seen ... Not that I've ever seen ... Well you know what I mean! Anyhow.
Jeremy invited me over to his house for dinner, probably thinking, "Whatever it is your mother's feeding you, you have to lay off it. Your fat ass knocked me over on the swings." So I declined. I didn't want him to see me eating, not after the whole swing thing. My mom always makes a good excuse, most times. When I got home my dad totally made a scene about Jeremy being on my front porch and how I was missing the hockey game so I had go inside, I couldn't watch Jeremy leave and then go in. Jeremy was probably watching my fat ass, thinking about how it knocked him over.
My dad said that Jeremy called, he said, "He said to tell you that Newfoundland dogs are in the States. What the hell kind of teenage code is that? Everyone knows that Newfoundland dogs are in the States. What kind of fool would think they aren't? He called to tell you this during the hockey game. Don't worry, I set him straight, he won't be doing that ever again. And don't think I won't find out whatever teenager-ary code this is. I'm going to research it after the game!"
I'm such an idiot for not knowing Newfoundland dogs are in the States as well. I gotta go. I'm missing the Intermission Report ...
Alex
At 7:58 PM,
April Patterson said…
alex, u r sooooooo not fat! ne1 cda kicked sum1 over on the backswing! & don't feel bad 4 not knowing abt newfies. there r way 2 many dog breeds 2 know 'em all!
apes
At 8:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
alex, sumtymez girlz who r rilly skinny think they r fat. wut ru, size 2 or 4? b-lieve me, jer duzn't go 4 fat girlz. i know.
At 10:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
becky. give it a rest w/the fat. ur thin. thin. thin. i tell u. thin. ur rite 'bout 1 thing. i do like the way alexandra luks. she'z hott.
At 10:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
Enizaabet,
I tell you the story of Neesh-wa-swi ish-ko-day-kawn' (The Seventh Fire) that my misoomish(grandfather) told to me.
More than 1,000 years ago my people, the Anishinabek lived along the shores of the Atlantic Ocean. There were so many and they were so powerful that it is said that one could stand at the top of the highest mountain, look in all directions, and not see to the ends of the nation. My people had no need for police, laws, courts, judges, or prisons. The best hunters and fishers would share the hunt. The women gathered food together and shared it with everyone.
Then seven prophets appeared to the people. Of these the Fourth Prophet was two who came as one. The first told them to expect a race of people who had light skin. The second being of the Fourth Prophet warned the light-skinned race might wear the face of death that would almost look the same as the face of brotherhood. "If they come carrying a weapon and if they seem to be suffering, beware. Behind this face is greed.” After the prophets came, the world changed for the Anishinabek and some wore the face of “greed.” That is not the true way of my people that is not the way for me.
You ask if I only want "dessert" from you, or is there something more I might want from you? The answer is no. I do not want anything from you. I wish to share my hunt with you. If you have gathered food to share and offer it to me, then I am happy you chose to share with me. You let me eat at your table and the food was delicious, satisfying, nourishing. I know you gather good food and there are many more things that I have not tasted. My hope is that you will share with me food that is bitter along with the food that is sweet. Only then can I know you.
I leave for Mtigwaki after my shift is done tonight. Tell me if I should come. I wish to share my hunt with you.
Gawaabmin miinwa (Hope to see you again soon)
Constable Paul Wright
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