April's Real Blog: Saturday School w/Bulgy Bangs

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Saturday School w/Bulgy Bangs

So, d00ds, sorry this is sooooo l8! It sux that we have Saturday school 2day doesn't it? The school board got all krazee abt all those absences so many of us have had so far this term. Grownups! :(

Well, Mom let me go in l8 & it took me a long time 2 use makeup 2 cover my cheek zits an' hairspray 2 make my bangs an unmoveable shield 4 my 4head zits. & then sum kid w/a mouth fulla braces was, like, kind enuf 2 pt out that my bangs bulge every time I raise my browz. Thanx 4 that, whoever U R!

@ least I'm done being all shrunken & regressed. Big props 2 Becks 4 gettin' her Mom's spell bk out & reversing that spell. I was way freaked.

So, like Becks sed I'm like Mom's new pastry chef. Mom's way bummed that she lost lirpA, the perfect daughter fr. mirror world. But lirpA was way anxious 2 get back 2 perfect-mom yllE. But, I've gotta get busy helpin' Ma get over that. @ least Ma nev. figured out that Ger & I had been rollin' around & makin' out in the leaves. I luv me sum autumn, peeps!

Jeremy got a note fr. Alexandra sayin' she'd like 2 get 2 know him w/out present or future sisterz. He asked her if she'd like 2 go 2 a Leafs game. Those tix R way hard 2 get, yo! Go Leafs!

Becks, what a freekee story abt Steve an' Anne Nichols! @ least U got sum snickerdoodles out of the deal, yo! Which reminds me, I've supposta make sum snickerdoodles 4 mom this afternoon. Better call Anne 4 the recipe!

Apes out

Edit: I was in such a hurry 2 get this post up, since I'm so l8, I 4got 2 mention the thing abt Grampa Jim havin' my back abt music. Sooo cube! Thanx 4 tellin' me, Becks! :)

29 Comments:

At 11:37 AM, Anonymous said…

apes. didn’t cu @skool this morning. saturday skool bites. i hope jelly fatterson duzn’t have u cooking pastries all morning. i know how much she eats.

i saw dunc on the bus this morning. he sed hiz call 2 me wen i wuz pretending 2b ger wuz an irresistbl impulse 2 call 2 ger an' say stoopid things. i dunno if i b-lieve him or not, but he wuzn’t sitting w/eva. he sed he hasnt evn met eva an' all he rilly wants is 2 b my sort of bf. eva wuz on the bus looking 4u & then she sat by herself. i sat by dunc 2 make sure she didn’t get ne ideaz. he may not b my sort of bf, but u know a girl cant take ne chances. i have an idea n mind 2c if dunc iz telling the truth that i can try afta school.

oh. i forgot the big nooz. howard woke me up this morning & sed, “the medicine-smells man iz here. he wuz here all nite. ur mom sez she’z engaged.” i sed, “how do u know this?” howard sed, “i can hear them talking.” u know that doggy hearing iz rilly gud. i freaked out & sure nuff, mom wuz talkin’ bout how we had 2 go shopping 4 bridesmaid dresses & she wuz showing off the ring. dr. ted wuz @breakfast saying it’s gonna be so good 2b married w/a good woman & have such a good motherly cook on accounta i wuz making the breakfast. mom sed if we r keeping howard, we hafta go 2 the vet & get him hiz shots afta school & then we can shop 4 dresses. i sed, “mom. ur divorce won’t b final till next summer. u can’t get married now.” she sed, “ur dad & i nevah had a proper church wedding & i’m gonna b prepared.” i sed, “whatevah. i am not looking forward 2 this.”

hope u make it 2 skool,
becks
At 11:43 AM, Anonymous said…

april. i have the note where lirpa wuz riting 2 me b4 she went back. there iz part of it that sez, “.me ot sgniht naem syas reven ehS .doof yhtlaeh ylno stea ehS .dlrow eht ni mom tseb eht si ehS .tnereffid si mom yM .seY” i gonna give it 2u 2 show ur mom. ok? sum of it iz personal stuff that lirpa rote me, so afta u show it 2 ur mom, give it back ok? i think it may help u w/having ur mom loving lirpa & making u cook pastries. haven't heard frum or seen alexandra yet. i hope she got my message 'bout the leafs 2nite.
At 11:56 AM, April Patterson said…

becks, i'm here @ school, but u know that by now cuz we waved @ ea other betw. classes!

jeremy, i'll make a photocopy of the letter 2 b sure my mom doesn't freak & rip it up or sumthin'. thanx 4 yr help. i think i saw alex smiling & lkin' @ a leafs sked in the hallway. & wearing 1 of those big "#1" fuzzy-foam hands w/a leafs logo on it.

apes
At 12:09 PM, Anonymous said…

Dearest April,

Your bulging bangs are difficult to resist. They have put me in a hypnotic trance for my little April flower. Such is my love for you that even your newly acquired facial protrusions inspire new heights of amour. When I kiss around your neck and face, I play a sort of game of mental hopscotch over the heavily made-up outgrowths.

I must apologize most profusely for getting so close to you in our amourous embrace this morning that I became physically attached to your bangs. Your hairspray is a shade on the sticky side. Our usual excuse to the teacher about untangling your barrette from your hair didn’t work as well as I was the one being untangled.

It is my sincere hope and desire that we will be able escape into amour today in a similar manner as I helped you trim the bushes around your house yesterday. I remarked to your mother several times that I would be more than willing to help you with yard work, but she just glared at me and said she had heard stories that I had been alone in the house with her good daughter lirpA and she suspected my intentions were not innocent. I proclaimed that I had resisted lirpA because my non-innocent intentions were intended only for you. That didn’t make her happy either.

My little April flower. I am anxious to meet in our usual spot between 5th & 6th period. I promise to rain sweet kisses on the back of your neck. It’s safer from that direction.

Sincerely and devotedly yours, Gerald
At 12:15 PM, Anonymous said…

apes. i saw u betw. classes. don’t take this the wrong way, but i dunno if the spell put everything back where it wuz. ur look shorter & ur cup size luks like it haz taken a turn 4 the single alphas. do u want me 2 try that spell again, wen i get home?

becks
At 12:17 PM, Anonymous said…

april. u saw alexandra? i haven't seen her yet. i hope the letter workz w/ur mom.
At 12:28 PM, April Patterson said…

ger, i'll c u in the usual place @ the usual time!

becks, i m so glad not 2 b baby-sized & crawlin' that i didn't notice i wasn't all the way back 2 normal. i'd appreciate ne help u can give me, yo!

apes
At 12:45 PM, Anonymous said…

apes,

i called my mom ‘bout the spell & she sed, “becky, i’m 2 bizzy planning a wedding 2 worry ‘bout spellz.” then i told her the spell i used on u yestahday, which went:

it's so strange you'd never think
a person could be like a shrinky-dink
no doubt the work of that evil witch lynn
never mind, now april will grow again!

she sed, “that’s not the rite spell. wut ru doin’ n my spell book neway? don’t do that agin. that spell makes thingz grow that shudn’t b growing.” then she luked n the book & she sed, “i’m doin’ this 1, so u don’t hurt ur friend nemore. i xxpect u rite home 4 howard’s vet appointment aftah skool.” then she sed:

to a woman, girl will grow
ample bosom, hair that flows
tall and slender, skin so fair,
zits no longer cause despair.

let me know if it worked, apes.

becks
At 12:55 PM, April Patterson said…

becks, it worked! i'm tall & have boobz again! i'm so psyched. lol, the boobz came back while ger was tryin' 2 feel me up, so he totally thinx he made 'em grow!

the zits r still there, but they seem littler. i think they r xtra resistant cuz of the wrath of corbeil, iykwim.

apes
At 12:58 PM, Anonymous said…

april. i saw alexandra. she sed she wuz definitely goin’ 2 the leafs w/me 2nite. she sed she wud go 2 an nhl game if she wuz on death’s door step & the devil hisself wuz riding on her back. i wuzn’t sure how 2 take that, but @least she wunts 2 go. yay!
At 1:05 PM, Anonymous said…

Dearest April,

It is well known that when a woman is truly feeling amour, that her bosom heaves. I could tell your true love for me when we were together and your bosom not only heaved but knocked me flat to the ground. The knowledge of your burgeoning passion for me fills my heart with little pitty-pats and makes up for the bruises on my backside. Plus your additional height means that I can avoid the chronic back pains I had been getting from having to bend over so far to kiss you.

Your devoted lover, Gerald
At 1:07 PM, Anonymous said…

apes. i'm so glad the spell worked an' ur zits r normal-sized. it haz been so boring talkin' 'bout ur zits all week.

becks
At 1:47 PM, April Patterson said…

lol, ger's been saying i need 2 let him cop a feel on a reg basis 2 keep the shrinkage away. such a boy. but i mite let him 2 b on the safe side. :p

becks, i know! i've totally bored myself 2. i hope i won't b talkin' abt this next wk. i'd even almost rather talk abt my mom's st00pid travels, yo!

jeremy, i know alex is a huge hockey fan, but i'm getting the feeling she's becoming a jeremy fan 2. just a feeling.

apes
At 1:55 PM, Anonymous said…

Dearest April,

Being the son of a doctor, I am extremely concerned for your health and well-being. I assure you that my desire to cop a feel is only for the purposes of making sure that your boobage maintains its current healthy bounce and is not related to any desires I may have about putting other body parts of mine in close proximity to your bountiful goodness. I am only thinking of you, my love.

Your healthful and devoted lover, Gerald
At 3:18 PM, Anonymous said…

apes. mom picked me up frum skool & she had howie n the car 2 go 2 the vet. she sed we had 2 go 2 get howie hiz shots. howie sed 2 me he duzn’t like shots & he duzn’t know how a dog shot wud affect him, wen gets 2b a man agin. i sed mebbe he cud stay a dog, cuz then i wudn’t hafta worry ‘bout him going away & i liked having a guy 2 sleep w/who didn’t wanna do thingz, u know, evn if he wuz kinda hairy. then howard started nuzzling @me, kinda like edgar duz 2u wen ur sad. he sed, “i’m not going away becky, evn if i’m a man.”

we got 2 the vet’s office & we sat w8in 4 our turn. howie wuz tellin’ me all the thingz the other animalz were sayin’. it wuz mainly complaining cuz they were sick. then they called us n2 the room 4 for the shots 4 howie. mom stepped out w/the vet 4 a minute & howie sed he cud hear them w/hiz gud dog hearing, “they’re talkin’ ‘bout me. they’re talking ‘bout giving me a general anesthetic. i wonder y they wud do that 4 a shot? they’re talking ‘bout shaving the area 4ward of my scrotum & washing it with speshul surgical soap. i wonder y they wud do that 4 a shot? they’re talking ‘bout making a single incision in the skin, slightly 4ward of the scrotum. omg. they’re talkin’ ‘bout getting me neutered.” then howie totally panicked & crashed n2 the door. he cudn’t open it, cuz of his pawz. i got the door opened 4 him & he ran thru the vet’s office headed 4 the outer door, but he cudn’t thru again, cuz of the pawz. the vet started 4 him w/a harness & leash. howie started yelling @me thru the telepathy 2 tell the vet he wuz gonna bite her if she got ne closer. i started yelling @mom “u can’t get howie fixed. he’s a man.” but mom wuz all, “dr. ted won’t marry me unless howie iz fixed. he duzn’t wanna get humped again by nething but me. howard’z nevah gonna be a man again. there’z no magick that can turn back a spell frum the witch of corbeil. he’z gonna b a dog 4evah, so he needz 2b fixed like a dog.” rite ‘bout then the vet wuz b-ing rilly cautious cuz howie luked like he wuz gonna bite. then hiz eyez turned a blood red & it didn’t luk like howie nemore. all he wuz saying in his telepathy wuz, “no fix. no fix.” he tore the harness & leash outa the vet’s handz & ripped them 2 shredz w/hiz teeth. then he wuz headed 4 the vet. i grabbed ahold of howie by the collar & started yelling @the vet, “tell him ur not gonna fix him. tell him ur not gonna fix him.” howie’s a big dog & i cudn’t stop him. the vet wuz backed n2 a corner an’ i kept saying, “tell him ur not gonna fix him” cuz i wuz afraid howie wud rilly hurt the vet. finally the vet sed it & howie started calming down. we left rite aftah that. i wuz rilly pissed @mom 4 tryin’ 2 fix howie. mom wuz rilly pissed @me & howie, so we didn’t go shopping 4 bridesmaid dresses. howie’s calmed down, but he’z a little sad ‘bout wut mom sed ‘bout him b-ing a dog 4evah. we gonna go 4 a walk. mom wunts us outa the house rite now.

ttyl,
becks
At 4:28 PM, April Patterson said…

yikers, becks, how mean & sneaky of yr mom 2 try that w/poor howard! i don't know y she'd say that abt not being able 2 reverse the spell. there were wayz 2 reverse those other spellz. we just have 2 get busy w/our research. like willow on buffy. she alwayz found solutions, even when things seemed all, like, hopeless.

btw, when i got home fr. school, mom had a list of pastriez she wanted me 2 make. she sed this was more imp. than lilliput's, so she left moira & beatrice in charge (as if that's so unusual!).

mom was going on & on abt the "perfect daughter" fr. mirror world, so i sed, "u know, lirpA left a note 4 jeremy & it had sum stuff abt what she truly thot of u." mom obvs thot it was gonna b all flattery & she wanted 2 c it. her face, like, totally went grey when she read the note. "w8. if her other mom is 'different' but has all these good qualitiez, then she thinks i don't have them!" i just looked @ her cuz i figured saying nething wd make things worse.

then she was all, "how do i know u didn't forge this note?" i'm like, "mom, it's totally backwards. do u think i can really write backwards so perfectly?" & she was all, "no, u can barely handle frontwards penmanship" & she crumpled up the note, crying (so good thing it was a photocopy, jeremy!).

neway, she told me 2 4get the pastriez & go spend sum quality time w/ gerald (yay!). so i m @ gerald's house now. actually, i'm staying 4 dinner, since his mom invited me 4 tonite last wk.

apes
At 4:39 PM, Anonymous said…

apes. i'm so happy u & ur mom got thingz st8. b sure 2 tell me 'bout how ur dinner w/gerald goez. i have gud nooz 2.

so i’m walkin’ howie ‘round the neighbourhood on a leash & i c dunc n hiz yard. i didn’t wanna talk 2 him, cuz i dunno if i b-lieve his story ‘bout the fone call or not. howie sed, “u smell funny.” i sed, “wut ru talking ‘bout. we’ve been walkin’ & now u say i smell funny. u cuda told me back @my house.” howie sed, “u didn’t smell funny back there.” dunc said, “ru talkin’ 2 me becks, cuz i can’t hear u.” i sed, “no. i’m talking 2 howie here. he’z a dog now. cu later.” i started 2 walk off, but howie wudn’t budge. nstead he started walkin’ 2 dunc & i cudn’t stop him. i sed, “y cudn’t ub a poodle? poodles don’t weigh more n me.” he sed, “i know what that smell iz now. ur xxcited 2c dunc.” i sed, “no, i’m not.” howie sed, “yes ur.” i sed evn louder, “no. no. i’m not xxcited 2c dunc @all & ne1 who tellz me that iz a big black-haired dog liar.” dunc sed, “ru calling me a black-haired dog liar? i like dogz.” i sed, “no. i wuz talking talkin’ 2 howie. the dog.” dunc sed, “ur telling me that howard kelpfroth, ur howie iz this dog?” i sed, “yes. it’s the truth. just ask apes.” dunc sed, “u don’t know if u b-lieve my story ‘bout the fone call, but u b-lieve this dog is howie an’ u can talk 2 him.” i sed, “yes. y is that so hard 2 b-lieve.” dunc sed, “i dunno if i can b-lieve u, if u don’t b-lieve me.” i sed, “u swear that u nevah met eva b4 & u have nevah been 2 her house?” he sed, “i swear. apes wuz gonna introduce us an’ i told her i had thingz 2 clean up first.” i sed, “u talkin’ bout thoze zits?” he sed, “no.” howie sed, “he’z lying. i can smell it.” i sed, “howie sez ur lying.” dunc sed, “ok. i’m lying. i don’t wanna b ‘round peeps till these zits clear up. just ask apes. she skipped skool this morning cuz of zits. point is i haven’t met eva & i haven’t been 2 her house, evn tho that’s wut i sed on the fone that time.” i sed, “well we will just c ‘bout that. c’mon howie.”

so howie & i went down 2 eva’s house. she ridez the same bus as us, so i knew where she lived. she wuz out n her yard & i sed 2 howie, “sniff all around this house & c if dunc haz evah been here.” howie sed ok & he went up 2 eva & started sniffing all around her private areas. i sed 2 myself, “gud dog.” eva said 2 me, “that’s a friendly dog u have. i donno if we’ve met. i’m eva. i go 2 the same skool az u & i c u on the bus.” i sed, “i’m becky. gud 2 meet you.” eva sed, “what’s ur dog’z name?” i sed, “his name iz howie.” eva sed, “that’s an interesting name for a dog. he’s such a big black dog, u wud think he wuz named blackie or atramentous or brunet or charcoal or clouded or coal or dingy or dusky or ebon or ebony or inklike or jet or livid or melanoid or murky or nigrescent or nigrous or obsidian or onyx or piceous or pitch or pitch-dark or raven or sable or shadowy or slate or somber or sombre or sooty or starless or swart or swarthy.” i sed, “i don’t like 2 make judgments ‘bout a dog based on its hair colour, unlike some peeps i know.” eva sed, “i know just wut u mean. i wuz n a bookstore the otha day & i told my friend, the lady workin’ n the book store looked a lot like me. but my friend said she didn’t cuz her skin was liter than mine, like that makes ne difference.” i sed, “i know just wut u mean. that’s y he’z howie.” eva sed, “that’s gud. i saw u on the bus 2-day sittin’ w/a guy.” i sed, “u did?” she sed, “yeah. iz he like ur bf or sumthin’?” i sed i wud know n a sec & she looked @me strange. howie had been sniffing all ovah her house & yard & sed, “no dunc.” i sed, “that guy iz definitely my sort of bf. that remindz me, i need 2 talk 2 him. gud 2 meet u.” eva sed, “gud 2 meet u 2.”

then i went back to dunc’s house. howie sed, “u rilly smell funny now.” i sed, “thanx 4 the help, but shut up howie.” dunc wuz still out there. he sed, ‘ru still mad @me?” i sed, “no i’m not. howie haz confirmed 4 me that u weren’t @eva’s house.” dunc sed, “ok. if u b-lieve me, then i b-lieve u ‘bout howie.” i sed, “u know, howie’s a gud guard dog. i’m n the mood 2 do sumthin’ that needs guardin’. are thoze purple lips of yours reddy 4 a workout?” dunc said, “mcdunc’s lips r alwayz reddy.” i’ll post 2 u later, i’ve got sum makeup kissin’ 2 do.

becks
At 5:00 PM, Anonymous said…

Rebecca,

My darling tulip, April, has expressed the desire for me to announce to you the entrees for tonight’s dinner at my house, prepared by mother’s weight-conscious hands. She thinks you will find it of interest.

Brussels Sprout Soup with Tofu Sour Cream
Tofu-Nut Loaf
Potato/Bean Burger
Blueberry-couscous Cake

Me personally, I do not care what is being consumed at the table, for I will consumed with love. This is the first time my darling April has been to my humble abode in quite some time to have dinner with me and my parents, that did not involve a medical reason. My father would prefer you to be here Becky or the delightfully aggressive lirpA, but my mother is most insistent that the beautiful lady seated by me be my actual girlfriend.

I am sure that either I or my beloved April will provide the details of our soiree later on.

Gerald Forsythe
At 5:19 PM, April Patterson said…

becks, that's so gr8! dunc's been lkin' so sad l8ly, i'm glad u 2 r makin' up. :)

ger's mom sez it's time 4 appetizers, so gotta go!

apes
At 7:05 PM, Anonymous said…

April,

I thought you would want to know how the 'date' with Jeremy is going. I think it's going very well. I think Jeremy is enjoying it too.

His mom is really cool, she picked me up and I sat in back with Jeremy. She said 'hi' and introduced herself as Jeremy's mom when I got in the car. She said she liked my jersey. I wore my new Leafs jersey that my mom bought for the whole family at that sports store we stopped at last weekend. His mom was really nice, she didn't hassle me at all and let me talk to Jeremy as if she wasn't even there.

So, I don't know, I was really nervous when Jeremy picked me up, I don't know if I showed it or not. I'm still sick, like I'm coughing and my nose is kind of running and I might still have a fever because, like, I'm cold a lot. But I really wanted to go out with Jeremy and I really wanted to go see the Leafs. My entire family is jealous, they're sitting home and watching the game and look for me on TV.

So, I don't know, I didn't say much when I first got picked up. I kind of felt like a lousy friend. So I was looking out my window trying to think of stuff to talk to Jeremy about and I finally thought of something and I turned around to talk to Jeremy and he was already looking at me and we both said at the same time, well I said, "So how was your week?" and he said, "Are you feeling any better?" I know I blushed and smiled like a stupid lovesick girl. The conversation kind of went like this.

Me: Oh, I'm feeling better.
Jeremy: I'm glad. I think everyone was really concerned because, you know, no one knew you weren't feeling well.
Me: It just came on. I was reading April's Real Blog, about Howard and Brenda's exploits at JIForBL and the next thing I know, I'm thinking and acting irrational. It's like the common sense and logic part of my brain was just erased. It totally freaked me out, I thought it was because I was associating myself you guys, I wanted my common sense and logic brain to come back!
Jeremy: So you're not really sick? You were avoiding us?
Me: Oh no, I'm really sick. I was also avoiding you so I didn't do anything more that didn't make sense to me.
Jeremy: Good. Thinking. I guess.
Me: It made sense to me at the time. What have I missed?

He told me he'll have to tell me later about lirpA and Howard so we talked hockey and stuff until we got to the arena and to our seats. Once there, which is where I am now, Jeremy started to tell me all that I missed, about lirpA and stuff. That conversation kind of went like this:

Jeremy: And then she took her shirt off.
Me: April took her shirt off!?
Jeremy: No, lirpA did.
Me: Oh. And there a different?
Jeremy: lirpA is from the other side of April's mirror. See, April was poking at herself in the mirror and lirpA jumped back, right into our side. She was a complete opposite of April.
Me: Oh. What did you do when lirpA took her shirt off?
Jeremy: Nothing, Nurse Horbreth found us and sent me to the Principal's office.
Me: Good! I mean ...
Jeremy: Yeah, he didn't believe me that it was a witch's spell that cased lirpA from the mirror.
Me: I wouldn't believe you either.
Jeremy: That wasn't even the weird part, not compared to what happened when we sent lirpA back through the mirror.

Oh! The game is about to start. Maybe Jeremy will continue the conversation. Oh I'm so excited! My first NHL game. And these are great seats. We're pretty high up but you can see everything from up here!

Alex
At 7:27 PM, Anonymous said…

Apes, ur bff, becky, was by a few hours ago. she had a dog with her. her dog stuck his nose --> in my crotch. I said, "“that’s a friendly dog u have."

i didn't want to push the dog's nose out of my crotch becuz I thought it might bite or sumthing. Becky probably thinks I'm a perv now and enjoyed her dogs nose in my crotch.
At 8:33 PM, April Patterson said…

hi, eva, welcome 2 my blog! i think becks musta understood. u don't wanna b making sudden moves w/a dog u don't know well, since u don't know how the dog will react.

alex, i wdn't believe all that lirpa stuff if i didn't c & hear it all w/my own eyes & ears. but it totally happened! krazee, i know!

so, in case ne1 was wondering abt dinner w/gerald. we had appetizers, which were, like, watercress on tiny lil rice cakes, only 1 per person, since mrs. f doesn't wanna make us fat!

we sat down 2 dinner in the forsythes' dining room, which is like this big formal rm w/a long table. mrs. f was @ 1 end & dr. f @ the other. ger & i faced ea other in the middle. whenev sum1 wanted 2 pass sumthin', ger wd b the one 2 get up & run fr. one end of the table 2 another. we all kinda had 2 shout 2 make sure every1 cd hear.

so we sat down 2 eat & it took a while 4 gerald 2 run around 2 get every1's plates & bowls filled w/all those dishes ger mentioned in his post b4. no1 really started a convo till that was taken care of.

then, mrs. f started the chitchat.

mrs. f: april! i'm so glad 2 finally have u over 4 a proper dinner.

me: thanks 4 inviting me, mrs. f!

dr. f: hmph!

ger: dad, stop!

dr. f: pardon me 4 caring abt my boy's psychosexual health!

mrs. f: dear, don't get started on that again, please! i had a chat with mrs. anderson, & we agreed that from a public-health standpoint, yr attitude is just scandalous!

dr. f: but i'm a dr., she's a nurse, i out--

mrs. f: (overlapping) don't say u "outrank her"!

dr. f: (overlapping, finishing) --rank her! well, i do!

me: (trying 2 change the subj) so, where's gerald's brother?

mrs. f: oh, well, he was playing basketball with his friend chuck cunningham, and i guess he decided 2 stay there 4 dinner! isn't that rite, luv?

dr. f: probably, dear. what do u think, gerald?

ger: i would have chosen a different brother.

dr. f: well, u don't have that option.

ger: well, u asked what i thot.

dr. f: my mistake. so, gerald, ne progress with this 1? (pting @ me).

gerald starts 2 answer, but his mom interrupts.

mrs. f: that's inappropriate 4 dinner conversation, and u know it, aloysius. how 'bout we talk abt other topics?

dr. f. muttered sumthin' under his breath & no1 bothered 2 ask him what he sed. ger lked kinda embarrassed, tho, like he knew but wished he didn't.

mrs. f: so, april, gerald tells me u r an amazing guitar player!

me: (totally blushing) i luv 2 play, & i practice as much as i can. . . .

dr. f: instead of helping my boy b xceptional!

mrs. f: aloysius, pls!

yikers, gotta go! i'm posting this fr. gerald's rm & his dad is yelling up the staircase that he's got a filmstrip he wants us 2 watch! gerald sez he'll give u another upd8 l8r!

apes
At 9:26 PM, Anonymous said…

Mr. Clownstable Pool Wrong,

I jus wannted to let you know that MY Elizabeth Ms. Patterson wonot be writen you toonight.

She is buzy with me her reel man so bak off cuas I can have 1 of my uncle's kick your azz.

I now all bout you frm my ant an if you don leeve MY Elizabeth lone yur gonna niiwana` jiigi niin nimino-wiijiiwaagan Mr. baesball bat!

yur a ginebig-oog an I'll make sure MY Elizabeth nows it!

Jesse
At 9:37 PM, April Patterson said…

uh-oh, liz, jesse's at it again!

apes

p.s. i just got home, but i'm 2 tired 2 write more abt my evening w/ger. i'll have more 2 say 2morrow!
At 11:01 PM, Anonymous said…

Beckers,

<3 <3 <3 <3 X infinity

Yr MCDunce
At 1:22 AM, Anonymous said…

Becky,

My little peony April wants me to tell you that she is quite thrilled that it appears your makeout session with Duncan went well. She has asked me to give you an account of the events that transpired at my house after we had dinner, where she left off in her last post.

After the dinner, we had Blueberry-couscous Cake for dessert. I thought it was quite yummy. Mom and dad had spent most of the evening fighting and so my mom finally shushed him and started to ask my sweet acanthus April some questions. I will try to remember some of them:

My mom: Well, April. What are your plans for the future?
April: Plans? I’m not sure. I had been considering going to school to get a degree in horse whispering and then probably work with my aunt in her veterinary practice, taking it over when she retires, and living on a farm in Winnipeg. But nothing definite.
My mom: What I mean is, do you have any plans involving Gerald?
April: I plan to date Gerald.
My mom: Do you have marriage plans in the offing? Have you settled for Gerald as your chosen man with whom you plan to make a home and from whom will come your children?
April: I think I’m a little young to do make those kinds of decisions.
My mom: How long have you and Gerald been a couple?
Me: January 30, 2003 was our first kiss and I have never kissed anyone else since.
My mom: Thank you Gerald. How old were you then?
Me: She was 11. We were in Grade 6.
My mom: Thank you Gerald. Would you let April answer for herself?
Me: Sorry, mom.
My mom: If I understand my son correctly, you have been exclusively with him for 2 years and 10 months.
April: I guess. Has it really been that long?
Me: Absolutely. 2 years and 10 months of ecstatic bliss.
My mom: Gerald, please. You are worse than your father sometimes.
Me: Sorry, mom.
My mom: Your father, Dr. John Patterson, is a dentist in private practice? Correct?
April: Yeah. That’s dad.
My mom: You have grown up in a certain degree of luxury, thanks to your father’s business. Is it safe to say that you would like to maintain that standard of living?
April: Probably. That’s why I want to get the degree as a horse whisperer. Is there a point to this question?
My mom: My point is that in Milborough, girls make choices early. In other places, 11 would be considered too young to have a steady boyfriend. I will speak plainly. I need to know if you have made plans with Gerald. I cannot ask him and get a reasonable answer, since he always answers most enthusiastically yes.
April: Mrs. Forsythe. It’s too early for me to make that kind of decision. I may marry Gerald or I may not. I doubt anyone will know. It’s too far off in the future.
My mom: I see. Why don’t you and Gerald go play in his room? His father and I have some things to discuss.
My dad: We certainly do.
April and I went to my room and she did some posting. Then my dad called us downstairs to watch a filmstrip. I hate my dad’s filmstrips. They are usually so dry and boring and low tech. But this one was kind of interesting. “Milborough Golddiggers: Women of Evil” was the name. There were lots of pictures of women in garters and fishnet stockings trying to convince a man to get married. He escaped them all and ended up marrying a woman in a long dress with lots of lace. I was quite excited about the fishnet stockings, but my little amaranth, April was not as impressed. I think she prefers high tech. She went home, but she said she would have more to say on the matter in the morning.

Gerald Forsythe
At 1:49 AM, Anonymous said…

april, the date w/alexandra wuz the best evah. leafs thrashed trashers 5 – 1. not even a close game. the leafs were up 3 -1 in the first period and never looked back. it wuz still xxciting 2b there. it wuz alexandra’s 1st nhl game, which surprized me since her fam’s so n2 hockey.

i told her all this stuff ‘bout wut happened while she wuz gone frum skool sick. ‘bout how howard reappeared az a dog, & how only becky cud talk 2 him w/telepathy & how u kept on changing size every day & how ur zits turned n2 boils & how ur boobs kept inflating & deflating. she paid attention 2 me talkin’ like i wuz very inneresting & then aftah i sed all that she sed, “that’s like, the biggest bunch of lies i evah heard.” i sed 2 alexandra, “there’z sumthin u need 2 know ‘bout me iz that i rilly, rilly h8 lyin. everything i told u is the truth. u can ask ne1 who wuz there, becky, april, april’s mom, ne1. they will tell u the same thing i tol’ u.” she sed, “jeremy. i b-lieve u. u know wut. ur gonna always b my 1st.” i sed, “ur 1st? but my mom’s rite here.” she sed, “no, you pervert. my 1st nhl hockey game date. wenevah i go 2 anutha nhl game, i will always remember u.” i sed, “that’s so nice of u alexandra, but wut ‘bout that other 1st?” she sed, “boyz. u think of only 1 thing. ur not getting that other 1st.” we had a gud ride back. i can’t w8 2c her again.
At 2:44 AM, Anonymous said…

Enizaabet,

Kaa-mesnin gwanaaj oshki-ikwe! (I miss you, beautiful one)!

I need to speak to ashawinoodeseg (Jesse). He needs help with his anger over me. I will remind him it is against the law to threaten a police officer. He must keep you too busy to write.

I look forward to seeing you on Monday. I know I will get there while you are at work. I have friends I can visit or I may meet some of the people close to you.

I think always of mizhakiise (your) ziinibaaniiginoon nimiishigwaanan (kindness). You were bingwaashaagidooshin (kind)with me. I know you are good teacher for ashawinoodeseg (Jesse).

Gawaabmin miinwa (Hope to see you again soon)
Constable Paul Wright
At 2:47 AM, Anonymous said…

MCDunce,

<3 <3 <3 <3 X infinity rite back @u. i've been 2 long w/o ur kisses. i've been singing my "purple lips" song all nite long.

becks

April's Real Blog

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Saturday School w/Bulgy Bangs

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