So I'm a CREATURE?
So, like, remember our English assignment? I was working on it recently, though I don't remember which day it was. Anyway, I was still pretty grumpy then, an' my mom kept hovering over me, like that was gonna help. She goes, "How's the book report going, honey?" Book report? Hello! Book reports were, like, grade five. This is like a major paper.But I didn't answer. For some reason, I was all SNORT GRUNT FUME GROAN GRUMBLE, and when my mom was like "Is there NEthing I can help U with", insteada being like, "Yeah, leave me alone and stop saying 'book report'", I was just, GROWL SNIVEL. Then she came back with a tray, all, "I brought U a glass of milk and sum d8 loaf." I mumbled, "Thanks, but please let me concentrate", tho I don't think she heard. BTW, I think I need a new poster 2 put up by my desk. That novelty poster Becky an' I picked out last yr is starting 2 gr8.
NEway, when I sat down 2 brekkers this morning, my dad laffed & sed, "Hey, Creature. U gonna feed again?" An' I was all, "?!?!?!?!?!" He goes, "Oh, it's what yr mom called U when U were working on yr big English paper that she keeps calling a "book report". After she brought U a snack, she grumped 2 me, "Good news. 'The Creature' is feeding." And I sed, all sarcastic, "Well, thanx 4 sharing that. It's so hilarious." And he goes, "April, don't B sore @ yr old man. Laffing @ sumthing st00pid like yr mom's comment just helps me 4get the pain of her special 12-step programme." And I asked, "Oh, yeah, how's that going?" He told me, "U don't wanna know. Yr mom actually made a special "vigilance kit" 4 my associate, Dr. Eliot-Everett What'sHisFace. So much 4 the anonymity."
Oh, I'm writing this B4 having caught up on last nite's comments, so I'll write responsy stuff abt them in the comments area after I post this. If I stop an' read comments now, this will be even l8r, which, sorry this is soooo l8!
Apes
NEway, when I sat down 2 brekkers this morning, my dad laffed & sed, "Hey, Creature. U gonna feed again?" An' I was all, "?!?!?!?!?!" He goes, "Oh, it's what yr mom called U when U were working on yr big English paper that she keeps calling a "book report". After she brought U a snack, she grumped 2 me, "Good news. 'The Creature' is feeding." And I sed, all sarcastic, "Well, thanx 4 sharing that. It's so hilarious." And he goes, "April, don't B sore @ yr old man. Laffing @ sumthing st00pid like yr mom's comment just helps me 4get the pain of her special 12-step programme." And I asked, "Oh, yeah, how's that going?" He told me, "U don't wanna know. Yr mom actually made a special "vigilance kit" 4 my associate, Dr. Eliot-Everett What'sHisFace. So much 4 the anonymity."
Oh, I'm writing this B4 having caught up on last nite's comments, so I'll write responsy stuff abt them in the comments area after I post this. If I stop an' read comments now, this will be even l8r, which, sorry this is soooo l8!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 10:10 AM
20 Comments:
At 10:50 AM,
April Patterson said…
omg, charmaine, this blog clearly has "april patterson" on it? who the eff is apra?
the clickable map is part of the assignment, which u & ben wd know if u paid attention in class. but u r 2 busy tryin' 2 still bf's u trasy ho!
& no surprise u r wrong abt my hair. i got
this cute do back in october, an' marjee helps me keep it upd8ed. i wear the stoopid ponytail in the morning when i leave, but i usually remember 2 let it down when i get 2 school. i was in a crappy mood recently & 4got 2 undo the pony a few days. but of course u wdn't notice ne of that cuz u r 2 bizzy plotting 2 steal my bf.
jeremy, thoze wkshops sounded abt as bad as i figured they wd! sorry yr mom made u go!
becks, how was the concert? ger, i hope u didn't get molested last nite, by orque or ne1 else!
apes
At 11:39 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i hadta go pick up rebeccah’s equipment frum the halfway house this mornin’. my mom wudn’t let me go last nite, cuz she sed, “ur just lookin’ 2 cheat on alexandra sum more. u’ll w8 till morning.” i hope she gets outa this mode, cuz it’s gonna b bad 4 my bizness w/rebeccah. i definitely hafta get my gradez up & make up w/alexandra sumhow. neway, i get 2 the halfway house & there’z all theze guyz lyin’ on the floor. @1st i thot they were dead, but then i saw they were breathin’ & sum of them snorin’. i found rebeccah’s dad thorvald camped out rite on top of rebeccah’s equipment, so i guess he wuz sleepin’ there 2 make sure it didn’t get vandalized. i woke him up & started 2 move the equipment wen i saw gerald asleep b-ing snuggled by orque. he wuz saying, “no, dad. i’m sure lindsay lohan iz a nice girl, but i prefer my april flower. no, i won’t take mandy moore either.” i woke him up & he saw he wuz b-ing snuggled by orque & sed, “this duzn’t luk gud” & he started checkin’ 2 make sure hiz pants were still on. he wuz relieved wen he saw they were & then he sed, “don’t tell my little april flower i wuz b-ing snuggled by a giant, gay, ex-con all nite. i don’t think she wud take it well.” u know i am not big on lying, particularly wen it comez 2 geranium. so there ur.
while i wuz movin’ stuff, i found rebeccah snuggled with howard dog. now april, this is the strangest thing. i hadta luk twice 2 make sure it wuz rebeccah, cuz there were parts of her that looked kinda like u. sum of rebeccah’s freckles on her face were gone & her nose looked like ur nose (the cute 1, not the kortney krelbutz nose u had wen u were shoppin’ w/ur mom.) evn the shape of her jaw looked like urs. i woke her up & her face went back 2 normal rebeccah. she sed, “i had the weirdest dream. i wuz working on my english assignment & april’z mom kept interrupting me w/d8 loaf & milk & i completely lost the power 2 speak. all i cud say wuz, “snort, grunt, fume, groan, grumble, growl, snivel, and mumble” i sed 2 her, “thoze r real words, u know, so u were speakin’” she sed, “i know that u idiot. but uc, i wuz riting sentences, but i cudn’t speak a sentence. & i had the weirdest feelin’ april’z mom wuz my mom.” i sed that iz weird & didn’t tell her ‘bout the temporarily missing freckles. i guess i wuz just glad she wuzn’t wearin’ the kama sutra makeup she had on saturday. rebeccah wuz way mad @me. she sed, “where were u?” i told her ‘bout the workshops & how i cudn’t get outa them. she sed, “the crowd started yellin’ out requests & I hadta sing every song i know, plus sum i didn’t. if u had been here, u coulda got me outa it by pretendin’ the equipment failed or sumthin’ like that.” i did a lotta apologizin’, but she iz still mad. i hope i don’t c ne explodin’ clownz w8ing 4 me wen i get home frum skool. neway, if uc gerbil & rebeccah 2day & they seem a little outa it, that’s the reazn.
At 12:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, thingz were v.v. confuzin' this mornin'. u know geranium is kinda tall & blonde, so he luks a lot like rebeccah's dad. i guess i coulda mixed them up. but, i swear that rebeccah tol' me wen the crowd wanted 2 sing christmas songz n olde english, she just started makin' up wordz 2 sound like olde english versions of regular christmas songs. u know like, "sir rudolph with thee thy nose of red, thou most reigning deer."
neway, az u can tell frum rebeccah'z post, she iz way mad @me. i'm xxpectin' clownz wen i get home. big, pyrotechnical clownz.
At 12:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
I'm not surprised one bit that Jeremy was lyin' about this mornin' Becky. He's still trying to tell me that he wasn't flirtin' with Shannon at the hockey game. He's even got Eva in on it!!!
Alex
At 1:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i woulda been eatin’ lunch alone 2day. alexandra wudn’t sit by me & rebeccah wuz didn’t come ovah @all xxcept 2 say, “liar & fink.” thass actually gud 4 rebeccah, cuz the last tyme she wuz mad @me, she sed sum worse stuff & my locker wuz kicked n & decorated. i think she may b getting’ a little less mad @me. well, of course, c-ing me alone, who decided 2 sit by me but shannon lake. she sed, “ur…gf…iz…sittin’…ovah…there. i…think…she…haz…found…sum1…else. u…know…i…am…still…available…&…i…will…tre…at…u…rilly…gud.” i sed, “shannon, ur the reazn i am having trubble w/alexandra. y don’t u leave me alone. i am not innerested in u.” & i cud feel the vein in my neck bulgin’. shannon sed, “u…don’t…unner…stand. my…plan…iz…workin’. u…will…b…mine. i…may…b…special…needz…but…i…am…a…girl. i…can…out…smart…ne…boy. i…have…justin…readin’…the…rules…2…me.” i sed, “the rules. wut’s that?” shannon sed, “the…rules:…secrets…4…capturing…and…caging…the…man…u…want. . u…cud…just…give…up…now…but…it…will…b…more…fun…if…u…struggle.” then alexandra came by & sed, “sittin’ by ur new gf ic. ur just a cheatin’ cheater.” az she left, shannon sed, “it’s…just…2…ez. cu…l8er…bf.” i started yellin’, “ur not my gf. ur just a crazee special needz girl. i’m alexandra’z bf.” well peeps, started lookin’ @me funny cuz i wuz yellin’ @shannon & she started 2 cry. i’m in the principal’z office now.
At 1:25 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, ger, how can u b so cluless? u r so worried abt yr image @ our school, but if it hadn't been 4 becks's dad & becks, u wda lost yr gay virginity last nite. & yr image wda been totally over!
becks, it's weird that u had a dream that was so similar 2 what happened 2 me not 2 long ago, like within the last coupla wks. musta been channeling my recent past or sumthin', eh?
in geog class, charmaine an' ben went up 2 our teacher and ben sed, "charmaine an' i nevr agreed 2 doing a clickable map. gerald an' april r trying 2 force a clickable map on our group." & the teacher handed them 2 xtra copiez of our assignment, an' she was like, "if u take the time 2 read the assignment, u will c the clickable, interactive map is required." ooh, burn!
apes
p.s. i just saw alex. she told me, "i think i 4give jeremy, but now that he's in the principal's offc, i'm afraid 2 say so." i told her jeremy wd prolly b relieved 2 hear she's not mad nemore.
At 1:40 PM,
Anne said…
I was heading out of the caf when I saw Shannon by herself @ an empty table. I wasn't going 2 say anything, cause although I don't want 2 be mean I don't want her stalking me too. Next to her hot pink Barbie lunchbox was this posterboard w/a drawing she was working on. It said "shuttel to Pluto" w/a crude drawing of a girl. She had long black hair & the name "Alex" was written next 2 her w/an arrow. She's still on this planetary torture theme. This is going 2 sound so un-PC, but the mainstreaming of some "special-needs" kids has 2 stop!
Vicks
At 1:56 PM,
April Patterson said…
yikes, vicks! mayB we shd start using our phone cams 2 record shannon's threatening behaviours an' show the principal b4 she hurts sum1!
apes
At 2:07 PM,
Anne said…
Totally, Apes! I have 2 recharge my Sidekick when I get home, but I can take pics w/it 2morrow. Every1 else, be sly an' disable the flash function on ur phones.
I 4got 2 mention that Alex was superglued 2 the shuttle n the pic. That's about as realistic as tying someone 2 a rocket, since neither would survive speed or departure from Earth's atmosphere.
Maybe Shannon could go to some private school. Someplace where the officials say "Pay us thru the nose & we'll tell u ur bratty kid is a genius w/learning challenges." Hope big, folks....lol.
Vicks
At 2:10 PM,
April Patterson said…
i just saw shannon in the hall, like, singing. i'll leave out the ellipses, cuz i don't have time rite now. just imagine them in all the usual places. she was singing:
my needs r more special than yr needs
my needs r more special than yrs
my needs r more special
cuz i have special needs
my needs r more special than yrs
& she was totally shaking her hips while singing, like tryin' 2 act all sexy.
luckily she didn't c me & i was able 2 duck around a corner till she went by. phew!
apes
At 2:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, well that wuz fun. detention 4 yellin’ @shannon. guess where i will b doin’ detection? if u guessed the integrated program room, ur rite. oh, april, u shud know that i saw charmaine lebuke & ben haffermass go 2 the principal’z office & i heard them talkin’ ‘bout u & geranium w/the principal. i dunno wut they were sayin’ cuz aftah i came outa the office shannon wuz there & i wuz kinda distracted. she sed, “do…u…like…my…picture” & it wuz a picture of alexandra on a rocket. i sed, “u misspelled shuttle. it’s s-h-u-t-t-l-e not s-h-u-t-t-e-l. u got the l & e reversed. “ shannon sed, “c…u…n…deten…tion…spel…ling…boy.” i wondah how she knew i wuz gonna get detention n the integrated program room.
At 2:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Did you notice at lunch that Jeremy was eating alone?
I went over to maybe apologize or at least say 'Hi', I hadn't decided which when I saw him talking to Shannon. I know he was probably flirting with her before he saw me and decided to cover his ass and say, "Shannon, you're the reason I am having trouble with Alexandra. Why don’t you leave me alone. I am not interested in you.” His vein in his neck was totally bulging, which happens when he gets excited!!! Then Shannon started going on about this book she's reading to give him better pleasure when they get together again!!! It was about caging him up and everything. Jeremy never told me he was into that kind of thing, if I knew he was into that kind of thing I could have maybe pretended to be too! Then he wouldn't have to be hittin' on Shannon to get his kicks, you know???
Well then, to cover the fact that he's into being caged and treated like an animal, he yells at her in front of everyone causing her to cry!!! I don't like Shannon as much as the next guy but that was just uncalled for. Making her cry like that to cover your own butt!
Alex
(What's this about me on a roket?! Should I be concerned!? Shannon's been wavin' "bye" to me in the halls, what gives?!)
At 2:36 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, jeremy! that's just terrible that u hafta do detention in the integrated prog rm.
i can tell u abt the principal's offc cuz ger an' i were called in, 2. it seemz charmaine an' ben were trying 2 argue w/our geog teacher that she shd xcuse them fr. working on a clickable interactive map cuz they had a hand-drawn map (the 1 my mom made). so charmaine pulled all the stuff my mom did 4 them, an' our teacher sorta skimmed ovr it. then she was like, "well, these data r abt 20 yrs outta d8, like u must have been using old reference materials @ sum1's house."
charmaine was all, "it's april patterson's fault! she didn't warn us that when her mother 'helped' us, she'd use out-of-d8 references!" & so that's when the teach sent them 2 the princ. offc.
principal pretty much just wanted us 2 confirm that my mom had done the work that charmaine had shown our teacher. ger was v. v. anxious 2 say yes, 1st of call cuz he'd been way pissed that they were getting away w/out doing their own work, an' second, cuz he wanted me 2 4get all abt his adventures @ the halfway house.
ben was all, "but it's april's fault we hafta bother w/all this computer stuff!" but the principal had a copy of the assignment & he was all, "it's on yr assignment sheet, ben." then charmaine was, "april an' ger were taking ovr the project." the principal was like, "what had yr contribution been?" & @ the same time, ben an' charmaine were all, "we got an entry on denmark fr. wikipedia." & he was like, "wikipedia? r u joking?" & they just sat & stared @ him.
then he sed, "i think charmaine & ben wd benefit fr working w/ppl less fortunate than themselves. u have detention this afternoon. u'll b helping jeremy jones in the intergrated program room. & tomorrow, each of u will have to turn in an essay, 10,000 words, on the importance of doing your own work and paying attention to your teachers' instructions. & by that i mean A DIFFERENT ESSAY FROM EACH OF YOU. and U HAVE 2 WRITE YR ESSAYS YRSELVES!" yeah, he totally yelled in all caps.
apes
At 2:41 PM,
April Patterson said…
alex, don't think i'm trying 2 pick sidez, cuz i'm totally not, but i saw jeremy & shannon in the lunchroom & he totally lked like he wanted 2 get away fr. her. an she was like not taking a hint but instead was all, "i....luv...a man...who...plays hard...2...get. ...i have...sum special....needs that...r also...hard 2 get 2...so i think....we must...be made...4 ea...oth...er." & jeremy was practically cryin' himself rite b4 he set her waterworks off. i'm just sayin'.
apes
At 3:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
OMG Guys!
I'm so upset right now.
I saw Shannon's drawing of me on the shuttel!!!!! All upset I went to the Principal's Office and told him about it. I even took a picture like you suggested!!!
The Principal was all, "With the wisdom that comes from living a life apart from the "mainstream", Shannon can forgive and forget some of the cruel things said and done to her. Her maturity and strong sense of humor is an endearing surprise to teachers and to those who get to know her well. She pulls no punches, says what she thinks, and can defend herself verbally with wit and sarcasm. This is just Shannon's wit and sarcasm. I am pleased to see she has found an outlet in drawing, and such a nice drawing it is, don't you think?"
I'm, "NO! I think it's psychotic!"
He's, "Young lady! We do not address our special needs students in that way, they are 'special'! I think you would benefit from working with people less fortunate than themselves. You have detention this afternoon. You'll be helping Jeremy Jones in the Integrated Program room. I will call Shannon in her to get a better look at her drawing, then have copies made and post her artwork around the school to showcase her maturity and artful integrity. You kids could learn from her!"
This is all Jeremy's fault!
Alex
At 3:24 PM,
Anne said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
At 3:55 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, just got outa the integrated program room. that wuz crazee.
charmaine lebuke and ben haffermass, alexandra love & i were there. alexandra wuz mad @me. she sed, “it’s all ur fault i’m here. u cheatin’, cheater.” the inschool suspension supervisor, ms. conasse wuz there. she sed, “u have all been assigned detention here & ur goin’ 2 do school-related tasks 4 this room. i hafta go 2 supervise the students @the regular detention room. shannon lake haz kindly agreed 2 give u ur tasks for this aftahnoon & will nform me if ur makin’ trubble. then ms. conasse left. shannon sed, “ben…&…char…maine, u…will…file…thoze…paperz…&…supplies. alexandra…here…iz…a…bucket…&…a…mop. jack…threw…up...frum…eatin’…2…many…boiled…eggz…&…u…need…2…cle…an…it…up. i…stopped…the…custo…dian…frum…cle…aning…it…up…just…4…u, alex…andra. jeremy, i…have…a…special…task…4…u.” alexandra glared @me. shannon tuk me n2 a side room & sed, “i…need…u…2…get…sum…thin’…off…that…shelf…4…me. it’s…2…high.” i sed, “is that it?” shannon sed, ”it’s ok…jeremy. i…am…rilly…nice 2…the…peeps…i like.” then shannon went n2 the room, cuz sumthin’ wuz goin’ on. charmaine & ben were tryin’ 2 get alexandra 2 file the papers & suppliez 4 them. shannon sed, “thoze…tasks…r4u…not…alexan…dra.” charmaine sed, “it’s only a 30-minute detention. if i don’t file thoze paperz, who’s gonna care?” shannon sed, “u…don’t…know…who…ur…messin’ w/? do…ur…task.” ben said, “we just did a little filing & we can say we ran outa tyme. no big deal, special needs girl.” shannon turned red n the face w/anger & left. while she wuz gone, i sed 2 alexandra, “lemme clean up that vomit 4u, since it’s my fault ur here.” so i did & just az i wuz finishing, shannon came back w/ms. conasse. ms. conasse sed 2 ben & charmaine, “u2 have earned my special attenshun. detention all week 4 callin’ shannon a mentally retarded reject from society.” ben & charmaine sed, “we didn’t call her that.” ms. conasse sed, “wud shannon b crying like she iz if u didn’t?” & i looked & shannon wuz all red-faced like she had been cryin’ hard. ms. connasse asked shannon if alexandra & i had done our detention tasks & she sed we had, so we left.
At 4:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
I think I'm in like with Jeremy, again.
Alex
At 1:19 AM,
Anonymous said…
rebeccah, iz there ne1 n m-boro howard dog haz not kissed? oh, i just thot of 1. cud it b that april'z mom iz howard's true love? she alwayz liked 2 eat his pastries wen he wuz human.
we had sauerkraut for dinner 2nite. i am startin' 2 wonder y.
At 8:57 AM,
April Patterson said…
ok, so here is the post i cdn't post yesterday evening cuz blogger was down:
omg, that detention soundz crazee! & alex, i can't believe our principal givin' such favouritism 2 shannon. just cuz she's "special needs" doesn't mean she can't b psycho, eh?
btw, when i was @ the store this afternoon, my mom was reviewing the inventory spreadsheets on the computer, which alwayz puts her in a foul mood cuz she's such a technophobe. so i decided, hee hee, revenge.
me: how's that inventory report comin' ma?
ma: SNORT GRUNT FUME GROAN GRUMBLE
me: is there nething i can do 2 help?
ma: GROWL SNIVEL
then i went 2 the fridge in the back room & got a pint of milk & a slice of d8 loaf. i brought 'em 2 ma:
me: i brought u a glass of milk and sum d8 loaf.
ma: (totally fuming) mumble, mumble.
then i went ovr 2 moira an' beatrice, an' i was all, "good newz. 'the creature' is feeding." they were totally lol!
apes
p.s. omg, becks, what an adventure u & howie have had! i hope u find the tru luv soon!
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