April's Real Blog

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Guest Blogger: Laura Cruikshank

Hi, Blog readers! This is Laura Cruikshank. Yeah, admit it, you were wondering, "Who's that?!?" I'm the daughter of John Patterson's sister Bev. Until recently, I didn't even have my own page in the Who's Who Guide that Steph the web designer helps Aunt Elly with. Instead, I was a mere footnote to my mom's page. And now that I have a page of my own, finally, look what name appears next to "Associated with". April! The heck? I mean, nothing against April. I had loads of fun over the summer helping her find her inner horse whisperer and such, but come on. Both of April's older sibs had their "farm" summers in their teens. So, I'm not associated with Michael or Liz? I'm not associated with my uncle John? Pssh!

So, as my profile says, I started my university courses to pursue a degree in veterinary medicine. That will make two vets in the family, Mom and me. Then if April decides she is still into the idea and gets her veterinary degree, she can maybe join us at the practice in Winnipeg. If she wants to live in Winnipeg, that is. I would understand if she wanted to live somewhere a bit more bustling.

Anyway, thanks April, for letting me guest blog! It kind of sucks to feel all forgotten, like I'm only dusted off whenever a Patterson teenager needs a life-changing summer experience. Know what I mean?

Well, April tells me she and her friend Becky are going to be telling you all about some stuff involving a "book report" before too long, but not today, as it takes a long time for certain details to eke their way out in some of the stories they feel compelled to tell. April guesses they ought to be able to say some things about it by Saturday or so.

Best,

Laura Cruikshank

posted by April Patterson @ 8:32 AM  

29 Comments:

  • At 10:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hi Laura!
    My name is Alex and I'm a friend of April's. I've never been to Manitoba but I've been to Saskatchewan. I've been told they're about the same. When a girlfriends runs out on you it's the hardest thing because you can watch them leave for days. Yeah, the joke is funnier after a lot of sugar. It's because the land is so flat. Well, being from Winnipeg you probably know the joke. Someone from Alberta told me the joke -- as a warning not to visit Saskatchewan because it's so flat.

    So what do you do for fun in Winnipeg? Winnipeg has an AHL team, the Manitoba Moose, a mean lookin' Moose is their logo. They play at the MTS Centre. Have you ever seen them play? I'm kind of doubting it, being a Patterson and all. I've never seen Winnipeg's team play but from the looks of their website they're pretty good, I guess. I'd like to go to Manitoba some day. I guess it's a pretty happenin' city.

    BTW, I'm glad you guest blogged for April.

    Alex

     

  • At 11:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hello, Alex! Nice to "meet" you! Yes, I've heard that joke, but it still makes me giggle. I do like to catch a good hockey game now and again. I think you might be mixing up Patterson traits with Richards traits, if you know what I mean!

    Laura

     

  • At 12:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Laura,
    It's way cool that you're posting on April's blog today, I gotta say. I don't know any of her extended family, or her family for that matter. I met her mom yesterday. Her mom is ... Well ... Different. Lets put it that way. She pointed me to the 'War' section of her store yesterday for books on sports. Who does that?!

    April told me to come by the bookstore after school and she'll help me find books on the history of sports. I want to get Jeremy a book for Christmas and we're both into sports so I thought it'd be a good present, unless you can think of something else I should get him?? He looks a lot older than he is. He looks 40. Do 14 year olds look 40 in Manitoba? I wonder what he'll look like when he's, like, 16?!

    What's university like this year? This school I'm going to now is new for me. They have some of the lockers lining a hallway that is lined with windows on the opposite wall, it's like it's there to mock us, like, "Haha! The sun is out and you have to be inside! Haha!" I think it's suppose to make it so the school is open and less like a prison but it's not working for me.

    Gosh I should pay attention to whatever it is this teacher is going on about ...

    Alex

     

  • At 12:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    LOL, Alex! You are right, your teacher would probably be upset with you for posting instead of listening! It does seem cruel to design a school building as you describe.

    The 14-year-old boys here look like 14-year-olds. I don't really know of any great suggestions since I don't know your friend. But April knows that bookstore like the back of her hand, unlike Aunt Elly, who, as I understand it, tends to treat it like a hobby. Maybe you can tell April some of your friend's other interests and she can help you come up with ideas. Though I think your idea sounds like a nice gift for a sports fan!

    My university courses are difficult but rewarding, since I am very motivated to become a veterinarian. I used to teach agriculture courses at the local college (like community college in the states), but I got a little burnt out.

    Laura

     

  • At 2:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    That's really cool that you're going to be a vet, Laura. I'm not good with animals. I killed my last goldfish, I fed him too much and he, quite literally, inhaled his food. I didn't realize at first, I thought he was coming to the top of the bowl to be petted. It wasn't until I noticed he wasn't eating or swimming anymore that I realized he was dead -- that was three days later. I wasn't sure if I was suppose to bury him in the backyard or flush him down the toilet. I opted to flush him because I only had him for a week. I was paranoid because he floated in the toilet too and I didn't think he was going to go down. I thought I'd have to fish him out of the toilet bowl and put him in the trash.

    I'm gonna go find Jeremy, see if he can take my mind off my dead fishy, now I'm kind of depressed.

    Later,
    Alex

     

  • At 2:21 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, alex, i just saw jeremy in the hallway. he was all, "can't stop an' chat now, apes, alex needs me rite now!"

    apes

     

  • At 2:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Alex, I don't know if this helps at all, but overfeeding is probably the number one cause of death for goldfish, especially with inexperienced owners. So you are certainly not alone. You were probably just going out of your way to make sure your fish had enough to eat. And you didn't know about the effect of "too much."

    Laura

     

  • At 3:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,
    Do you want to get coffee before or after you show me the books you have on the history of sports???

    Alex

     

  • At 3:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    alex, b4 or after is fine. :)

    becks, i have 2 think sum thingz thru & get back 2 u. sorry i sounded so harsh.

    apes

     

  • At 4:06 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Miss…um…Becky got home from school and said to me, “Why are you here? Why haven’t you gotten the lock off your apartment or gone to check on getting your job back? What have you been doing today?”

    I was kind of embarrassed when she said those things, because I really have been very busy today. There was a squirrel in a tree that was bothering me. The nice thing about hands is that you can actually climb up a tree after a squirrel. When I was a dog, all I could do was bark at it. After making those chattering noises at me, that squirrel was really surprised when I went up after it. When I was a dog I could understand what those squirrels were saying and let me tell you, they have really foul mouths. So, even though it just sounds like chattering now, I knew what that squirrel was saying. You just can’t let insults like that go by. Because then other squirrels will think you are a pansy and start taunting you too. I almost got to the squirrel, but it jumped to another tree. So, I had to go down that tree and over to the other tree after it. It was a long chase, but you know that squirrel won’t be talking that way to me anymore. When I finally got him, I put him in my mouth and gave him a good shaking. He didn’t taste as good as I thought he would.

    On the way back from that, I was thinking about doing my business in Mis..em…Becky’s neighbour’s yard, but I remembered about toilets just in time. Toilets are a lot cleaner than grass, but the toilet paper doesn’t have the same smooth feeling grass does. Plus you can’t scoot your butt on a toilet. Well, you can, but it’s messy.

    Then after that, a strange dog came around the house and I had to chase him away. Then I saw some cars I wanted to chase. I can’t chase cars anywhere as fast as I used to. The best part about opposable thumbs is that I can’t be locked in the house anymore. When M…em…Becky went to school before, I used to have to spend the day in the garage. There are a lot of strange smells in that garage. I can’t really smell them now. Let’s just say that …Mis…Becky’s dad did some really bizarre things in there when he used to live in the house. Things that leave a strong and distinct odor. I miss being able to smell things.

    I have to go visit my apartment manager now.

    Howard

     

  • At 4:18 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, wow, i guess it's gonna take sum time 2 get used 2 bein' human again. i think pretty soon u won't wanna put squirrels in yr mouth or chase cars. just like u didn't like doin' dog stuff when u 1st became a dog. btw, ger told me he wants 2 talk 2 u so u can help him wrap his head around what happed 2 u.

    i m @ the 'bucks w/alex. she decided coffee 1st & bk shopping after. no argument here. coffee rocks!

    apes

     

  • At 4:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, have fun w/alexandra. she tol’ me u guyz were goin’ 2 ur mom’z bookstore 4 sumthin’ top secret. ‘course wen u & geranium usedta say that, it usually meant u were goin’ sumplace 2 kiss. i hope u & alexandra rn’t gonna b kissin’. but if ur, i wudn’t mind watching. sorry, my brain just duz that 2 me sumtymez. neway, have fun w/ur shoppin’. if u do decide 2 kiss alexandra, make sure u don’t do ne kissin’ w/sloppy “fish” lips. i did that by accident 2day @skool & it didn’t go well. keep thoze lips tite. wut am i sayin’? don’t kiss alexandra, ok? thanx.

     

  • At 4:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i just showed yr post 2 alex, an' she was like, "omg! i almost peed my pants laffing!" then she foned eva an' was like, "u get yr raggedy ass over here! i know u rn't babysitting 2day! u don't hafta get coffee, there'z alwayz t or hot choccy! just get ovr here!"

    wow, that was quick, eva just walked in!

    apes

    p.s. in case u didn't guess, alex & i r not gonna kiss. eva & i r not gonna kiss. alex & eva r also not gonna kiss.

     

  • At 5:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, u ladiez have fun w/ur top secret trip. b sure 2 remind alexandra we r suppozed 2 do sum homework 2gether b4 the edmonton game 2nite. thankfully, no book reports. that wuz a pain 2 do. rebeccah asked 2c my book report, but wen she found i did moby dick, she wuz not happy 4 sum reazn. neway, have a gud tyme & if u change ur mind 'bout the kissin', lemme know. y am i sayin' that? sorry.

     

  • At 5:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Friend Howard,

    You should probably refrain from putting squirrels in your mouth. That is a good way to catch rabies.

    Also, when you are chasing cars, remember to look both ways before crossing the street. Always use a designated crosswalk.

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

    Dear Friend Rebeccah,

    I strongly agree with my April flower that you are an "arrogant witch."

    Obviously you are a powerful witch because you changed Howard back into a human with the merest touch of your lips. Actually, this makes me want to try kissing you to see what will happen to me, but of course I know that my dear April flower would break up with me, so this is an adventure whose pleasure I must deny myself.

    And you are arrogant because you feel superior to the other students in Grade 9. Of course this is only normal because you are in fact better than the other Grade 9 girls. I know this because the girls in pep club made us jocks vote on who the coolest Grade 9 boy and girl were, and Becky won. It is only natural that less impressive girls like my April flower will be jealous of you.

    I told some of the other jocks about the power of your kisses, Becky, and a lot of guys asked for your phone number. You should expect some calls for dates in the very near future.

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

     

  • At 6:12 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Gerald,

    Thank you for the good advice. That squirrel fur tasted bad, so I won’t do that again. I think squirrels must use a little of their own feces for their nests. Even with my human taste, I could tell that. Oh, and when I chased cars in my apartment parking lot, I was really careful when I crossed the street.

    I think you are wrong about my Mist…um…Becky though. She doesn’t have witch training, like her mom. I am happy to hear she was voted the coolest Grade 9 girl. It is good to know other people like my Mistress, I mean my true love, I mean my good friend Becky. I need to get my head straight about her. When you sleep and snuggle with someone every night for 3 weeks, it kind of messes up the way you think about them. You know what I mean?

    The tricky thing about being turned into a dog for 3 weeks is that you usually lose your wallet with your identification in it. So, I couldn’t get money to pay my back rent on my apartment. Fortunately, I found my car. We took Brenda Starr’s car to Corbeil, so I guess she may have lost her car. I wonder how she’s getting around. I hope she doesn’t have to get rides from that obnoxious lady she works with, Gabby Van Slander. That would be awful.

    Anyway, I tried biting into my car for awhile. I can’t bite as hard as I used to. Then I remembered a brick through the window would work better. I got the auto registration out of the car, took it to the bank, and they let me get to my money, even though I licked the bank manager as a thank you. Hand shake. Hand shake. Hand shake. I have to remember that next time, but hand shakes are so impersonal. If you really want to thank someone, a lick across the face is so much better. Plus sometimes the skin has a nice salty taste to it. Hand shake. Hand shake. Hand shake. Get it under control, Howard.

    I emptied my bank account and got back into my apartment. The heat will be back on by Monday. Fortunately, the electricity was still on, so I could post on my computer. It was nice being back in my place again and in my own clothes. You know wigs are a lot like fur. I have my biggest, hairiest wig on now. It is quite comforting.

    Howard

     

  • At 6:13 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, i can't say i m surprised abt that vote, cuz becks is way popular. but do u think becks is more impressive? when u answer this, don't picture me w/a propellor-head bun & bad slacks. picture me w/my hair loose & flowy, wearing a girly dress & sharing spaghetti w/u.

    jeremy, alex was v. v. happy w/the results of her secret shopping mission. eva bot this for herself, this for alex (& gave it 2 her rite away), & this for her mom!

    apes

     

  • At 6:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, geranium can b a doofus sumtymez, but every1 knowz u r pretty & just cuz u have a few skin problemz rite now duzn’t change that. ok?

    howevah, rebeccah haz go it goin’ on w/her career. there iz just no competin’ w/her, so u mite az well not try. there’z grade 12 girlz who r jealous of rebeccah & her career. so, n skool, it’s like there r diffrent kindz of kidz 4 dealin’ w/her. sum kidz think she iz way cube & hang ‘round her just ‘cause of that. there r othah kidz who think she iz obnoxious & r happy wen nething goez rong 4 her. then there r peeps like u & me, who r rebeccah’z true friendz that she knowz r gonna b w/her no mattah how arrogant she gets, cuz we unnerstand that she hasta b arrogant sumtymez 4 her career. geranium unnerstandz that. he tol’ me the othah day that rebeccah had the voice & the attitude 2b a star.

    ‘bout u & b-ing cool. we have talked ‘bout this b4. u gotta get outa b-ing n ur mom’z shop all the tyme & do sum thingz ‘round skool. have u considered b-ing a cheerleader? it soundz strange 4 me 2b sayin’ that 2u, but u have the figure & u wud get 2c gerund @all his gamez. lotsa peeps think cheerleaderz r cool. not me. i don’t like them. of course if u were a cheerleader, i wuld hafta rethink my position.

    oh, i am rilly hoping that alexandra duzn’t wunt me 2 buy nething 4 her 4 xmas like wut eva bot. speakin’ of alexandra, she just got here. gotta go. time 4 studyin’.

     

  • At 7:18 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hm, mayB i will talk 2 the cheerleading coach 2morrow. that is if i get permission 2 quit the store, or @ least cut way, way back. what do u think, ger?

    apes

     

  • At 7:45 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    It got cold in my apartment, so I decided to go to the Mayes Midtown Motors Restaurant to see if I could return to my old job. It was very strange to go there. I had been there as a dog, but my black-and-white vision did not adequately prepare me for the changes Tracey Mayes had made to the restaurant in my absence. There were cuckoo clocks on the walls, along with Erzgebirge folks, Steinbach, nutcrackers, smokers and decorated beer steins. The walls also were covered with Frohn tapestries. The aroma of beef and pork floated throughout the dining room and there was polka music playing.

    Tracey Mayes was working as the hostess, wearing her favourite lavender-and-green Hausfrau dress. I tried to give her a handshake, but she went for a hug instead and I am afraid I gave her a pretty good lick. She said, “Oh Howard, I am so glad to see you again. I thought you might stay a dog forever, although it seems you are still kind of doggy.” I apologized for the lick and asked Tracey if I could go back to working at the restaurant. She said, “Oh Howard. There is no nice way to say this, but I don’t think you can work here. The restaurant is successful and it has not been noticed by you-know-who.” I said, “What do you mean, not noticed?” Tracey pulled up the Johnston Institute monthly newsletter and said, “See. The car sales lot is mentioned and the garage is mentioned, but not one word about the restaurant. I have finally been able to set up the restaurant like I always wanted and nobody has noticed. Even when Mike Patterson took his car down here for its annual checkup and winterization, all he noticed was the garage and the sales lot and the Christmas decorations. Since you have had your run in with you-know-who, I am afraid you would attract unwanted attention. Besides, we have a full staff of cooks and wait staff now. I really don’t have a position for you.” I started making whimpering noises and started pressing my nose up against Tracey. I was trying hard to stop myself when Tracey said, “Oh Howard, I can’t stay mad at you. I’ll find you something.”

    At this point, Gordon came into the restaurant wearing his lederhosen. He said, “Gutenabend, meine Frau.” Tracey responded with “Gutenabend, mein Ehemann. Look Howard is back. Do we have a job that he could do?” Gordon said, “Well we do need a new custodian after Dr. P drove away the last one.” I said, “Drove away the last one? How did he do that?” Gordon said, “To tell you would be an embarrassment to Dr. P for whom I have the greatest Respekt, so all I can tell you is that if Dr. P approaches you talking about toolkits, you should get away from him, verstehen Sie? Do you want the job?” I said yes. Tracey took my measurements for some lederhosen and I start tomorrow.

    I am actually at Fiona Brass’s house now. She asked me if I had a warm place to stay for the night, and I told her I did not, so she offered me her place. Plus, I have a debt to pay to her for her help in turning me back human. Fiona has a terrible, awful, hideous cat, Belmont III. I got scratched, but that cat is missing some fur now. It knows not to hiss at me again. Cat fur tastes worse than squirrel fur.

    Fiona is calling me. I need to go.

    Howard

     

  • At 7:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dere Howard,

    You ar rite, a lick really says 'thank you' so much better. I gess a lot of peepul don't like it tho. Rob tawt me to shake hands insted, but it is so hard to remember sumtimes!

    Satchul

     

  • At 8:00 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, it's nice that tracey found something 4 u like that, but if she came 2 her senses, she'd fire hans, her new chef, & put u back in charge. the restaurant was sooooo cube when u were running it.

    satchel, i have 2 dogz who agree w/u.

    apes

     

  • At 8:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, alexandra wuz just jokin'. she iz so silly sumtymez. edmonton oilers 3 philadelphia flyers 1 end of period 2. ethan moreau's haz scored 2 goalz. alexandra can watch hockey, do homework & b nice 2 me all @the same tyme. she iz gud @multi-taskin & she iz rilly cube. she haz gotta b like the best gf evah.

     

  • At 8:57 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    alex, it must b so cube 2 have a bf who sez u must b the best gf evr. steada tellin' u other girls r more impressive than u.

    apes

     

  • At 9:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april! gerunderpants is 2 st00pid 2 know what he has. my offer 2 knock out some of his crest witestrip witey teeth is still gd. lemme know.

     

  • At 9:12 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    naw, that's sweet of u, ted, but pls, don't knock out ne of ger's teeth. that wdn't solve nething.

    apes

     

  • At 9:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April flower,

    On a purely personal level, my melancholy mimosa, you are a perfectly adequate girlfriend. However, for my public image, you are not especially impressive. I tell you this only because it's true and my mother taught me never to lie.

    While I would be delighted if you became a cheerleader, I can tell you that it won't happen. The squads held their tryouts at the beginning of the year, and I regret to inform you that they never choose girls with the dreaded black acne, not even for the back-up roster.

    However, I spoke to Mr. Hi Perspastick, the yearbook adviser. He says that one of their best reporters had to drop out of school after her black acne required her to go to France for a face transplant. She is going to be gone for the rest of the year recuperating, so if you want the job, it's yours. He said you could cover hockey and basketball if you want to. He also needs someone to cover the career of budding star RebeccaH McGuire. He said you could do both jobs or just pick one of them, or find a partner to work with.

    Mr. Perspastick seems really excited about having you on the yearbook staff. He said something about it being an honor and a privilege to work with a member of the great literary Patterson family. Wow. Maybe you are more impressive than I realized.

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

     

  • At 9:52 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hmph, "perfectly adequate" soundz like, what was it i heard on that cbc documentary recently? oh, rite, "damning w/feint praise".

    the yrbook thing soundz pretty cube, tho if the guy is, like, in2 michael's writing, i'm a lil scared. but still, i'll talk 2 him cuz it soundz like it cd b fun. thanx 4 the tip.

    apes

     

  • At 1:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, final score. edmonton 3, philadelphia 2. i am writing this w/an ice pack on a place where a knee shouldn’t go. i sorta yelled when that place got hurt & my mom came back n2 the room while alexandra wuz tryin’ 2 get off me. aftah mom finished laffing (it wuzn’t funny mom) she sed that she did that 1ce 2 my dad, only it wuzn’t an accident, like it wuz w/alexandra. mom hadta walk alexandra home, cuz i wuz havin’ a hard tyme walkin’. i shud b bettah 2morrow. i think i am gonna b sleepin’ w/this icepack.

    oh, if ur innerested n the cheerleading, i dunno if u heard or not, ms. connasse got charmaine lebuke kicked off the cheerleading squad cuz of sumthin’ that happed during detention 2day. i dunno exactly wut happed, but there r sum wicked rumours goin’ ‘round about ben haffermass & her gettin’ cot doin’ it n a utility closet. neway, they r gonna have tryouts 4 a replacement cheerleader soon. i think u shuld do the tryout. if u make it, geriatric will have 2 take back that stuff he sed ‘bout your black acne. u can alwayz do the yrbook thing geranium suggested if u don’t make the squad.

    personally, i wud like it if u did yrbook. thass more creative. the only downside iz mr. hi perspastick, the yrbook teech. he makes me rilly nervous. he wavez hiz arms ‘round a lot & he’z constantly hitting thingz w/them. everytyme i go past him n the hall, i get whacked. ur choice. alexandra & i think ur cube no matta wut u pick.

     

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