April's Real Blog

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Yo, Eva's not Chopped Liver!!!

Ok, so a coupla days ago, after I let Becky use that outline? Shannon walked out from the shadows of the hallway (we have sum freaky shadows) an' was all thankin' me 4 that boring e-mail I'd sent. She sed it made her so happy & that no1 in mainstream had evr sent her 1 B4. I'm thinking, "W8 a minute", but I didn't wanna interrupt while she was saying she'd send a reply in a coupla days. Then she hugged me an' I had this thot bubble ovr my head abt empty thank-yous vs. the kind that "fill U rite 2 the top". Then we turned a corner in the hallway, and Eva was standing there with her arms crossed over her chest. "Shannon! I heard what U sed 2 April abt no1 in mainstream evr sending U e-mail. I've sent U loads of e-mail." Shannon looked uneasy for a sec an' then she told Eva that she only sed that cuz she knew I'd been kinda depressed & she thot I needed the encouragement. "Besides, Eva...U & I...R so tite...I hardly...think of...U as...main...stream...NEmore." Eva looked pissed 4 a sec, but then Shannon was all, "No, w8!...That's to....tally a...compli...ment!"

Eva just then got a txt fr. Alex and was like, "Gotta go! Alex needs me!" & she was off.

NEhoodles, OMG, I hope I can live down the cheerleader tryouts fr. yesterday. M I alwayz gonna B known as the girl who wore a thong under her cheer skirt @ tryouts? Becks, U shd prolly tell yr dad's pals that they shdn't try 2 find NE "klutzy sexy cheerleader" pics since I M underage & they can totally get in trub & end up in jail 4 possessing stuff like that!

Ger, 1 of my dad's patients told him she'd heard U wanna get me pg so we can get married, an' he was all, "He does that, & he gets himself dead." So we need a diff plan, 4 sure.

Becky, Howard, I thot of sumthin'. Is the Mboro LGBT lite opera performing these days? I'll bet hearing opera wd help bring back Howard's human side more. Or if the LGBTLO isn't playing, U cd lissen 2 CD's. Or even that recording of our garage opera.

Luann, my English teacher is way big on irony, but, yeah, I think she sometimes misses it when it's rite in front of her nose.

Apes out

posted by April Patterson @ 8:20 AM  

25 Comments:

  • At 10:07 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes!

    I hafta finish my book 2day an' rite my book report 2morrow. I shouldnt of picked War an' Peace. I thot it wld b ez 'cos I read part of it 2 the oldies @ Mboro Manors last summer but I 4got it was so long. I only have 343 pgs 2 go. Im skipping all the fite scenes. Dont tell.

    L8r.

    p.s. My 'rents r having r Xmas dinner aft school next Fri 'cos were leaving 4 Barbados next Sat. Ill bring yr Xmas gift 2 skool on Fri.

     

  • At 12:18 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Happy Saturday, Apes! Sorry u weren't up 4 the Roller-Rama last nite, but I totally understand. When something so embarrasing happens, u just wanna crawl under a rock 4 a while!

    4tunately, I met up w/Luann & Bernice, & we had a great time, except 4 when I *literally* ran n2 Gordie Durrocher. I felt so stoopid! He didn't make fun of me--total surprize--but he told me he took some pictures of u w/his cameraphone @ the now-infamous cheerleader tryouts. Since they were taken w/his phone camera, the pix were really low-rez, but I told him I'd finally take him up on his offer 2 see Our Lady Peace next time they're n TO if he'd delete those pix from his phone. So I think I've spared u further humiliation, along w/every1 else here.

    NEway, I should head 2 Starbucks & start my geography homework. Does NE1 have a good way 2 remember the territory capitals of Australia?

    Vicks

     

  • At 12:36 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    eva, yeah, i'm not used 2 ppl jumpin' up & huggin' on me like that! she told me she totally considers u 1 of her peeps.

    dunc, u r so lucky u get 2 go 2 nice sunny barbados 4 the hols. i'll give u yr gift on friday, 2.

    vicks, phew! thanks 4 saving me like that!

    apes

     

  • At 2:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    that's a cube poem, liz! i guess i shd have listened 2 u when u warned me against thongs!

    apes

     

  • At 3:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    howard, i'm sorry u rn't havin' a weddin' either. ur parteez rock! there's alwayz sumbody goin' 2 hospital. if u hadda weddin', there wud b sum rilly serious injuriez. mebbe evn a national state of emergency. that wud b so cube.

    alexandra, ur mom'z advice iz v.v. diffrent frum my mom'z. my mom sez, "jeremy. w/the way u luk, u bettah marry the 1st girl that will take u. ur not gonna last much after 18." also, mebbe 4 geography we shud do sum studyin' 2gethah. u sound like u no ur stuff, alreddy.

     

  • At 3:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, alex, u r rite! we totally flaked on getting u the clothes we were gonna get. the mall is so distracting! but i had soooooo much fun wandering around & gossiping w/u! :)

    becks, yr mom is just 2 much! we've gotta figure out wayz 2 help howard adjust.

    apes

     

  • At 4:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April flower,

    I am disconsolate. If you are not in "a family way," we cannot get married until we are 16, and then we need our parents' permission. Perhaps we should get started on asking for that permission now. It sounds like your father will be most pig-headed about it. Try to get your mother to convince him. It sounds like she is eager to get Liz married off, and maybe she would be excited about our wedding as well. Maybe you could try telling her that we are going to "hit a home run" when you are 16 anyway, so wouldn't she prefer it if you were married?

    Devotedly, Gerald

     

  • At 4:42 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    gerald, it's sooooo sweet that u r so anxious 2 marry me. v. v. romantic of u! but u know what i thot of? if we got married while we're teenagers in secondary sch, u'd b, like, the only 1 on yr hockey an' basketball teamz who, like, has a wife. this cd cause problems 4 that rep u've been building up, doncha think?

    don't worry, it's not like i'd marry ne1 else, even if ted did propose. i really don't think he was serious. i think he just likes thongs. u r the 1 i wanna b w/.

    apes

     

  • At 4:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    alexandra, i will cu @6 4 the pre-game. i hope nuthin' comez up w/eva. i rilly like ur special game time preparation. we hafta watch on the xxtra tv n the back room. mom wunts 2 watch "it's a wonderful life" on @the same tyme w/my future dad. my future sis will b there 2, but she iz cube w/us havin' the back room 2 ourselvez. she sed she wuld volunteer 2 do the "check on the kidz" thing 4 my mom, so we wuld not actually get interrupting by mom. my future sis iz rilly cube 'bout that stuff.

     

  • At 5:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April,

    It is very, very sweet of you to be concerned about my reputation. In fact, I am so pleased that you suddenly seem to understand all my needs, and even more pleased that you seem to want to fulfill them. (Don't worry, I know that certain needs have to wait until you're 16 because of the pinky swear.)

    I have given it some serious thought, and I think it would probably help my reputation if I were married. It would be just like getting to wear a ring that said "Ha ha guys, I get to have sex whenever I want!" Only not as heavy.

    I had my weekly session with Dad today. I told him we want to get married the second we are both 16. He asked me why. I told him the truth. "Because I love my April flower, and also because married men get to have sex whenever they want to."

    My dad just sighed and said, "Son, you understand that's an urban legend, don't you?" And I was confused, so I asked him, "What is?" And he said, "That married men get sex on demand." And I said, "Well maybe not on demand, but they get a lot of sex."

    Then my dad reached into his bottom desk drawer and pulled out a heavy binder. He handed it to me and said, "Son, this is a list of men whose testimony will disabuse you of that notion." It turns out that it is a telephone directory with the names of every married man in Milborough.

    I don't understand.

    Confused, Gerald

     

  • At 5:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dude! U can't get married. Social death, man! No way we'd wanna hang w/an old married guy even if he's a young old married guy. U get married, U gotta join a stuffy country club an' stop hangin' w/the hockey dudes. NFW wd U get invites 2 the kewl parties NEmore!

    Drew Fontaine
    Captain of the Hockey Team

     

  • At 6:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Gerald. Rookie. No, just. No. Just got off the phone w/Drew Fontaine. We just can't allow this, dude. Yr gf is hott & has a cute arse an' all, but get married? Just uh-uh.

    Pierce Inverarity
    Captain of the Basketball Team

     

  • At 9:10 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I had to run away. Last night I was so excited to sleep on the end of your mother’s bed. I was looking forward to having a good night’s sleep in a nice comfortable place, even though it wasn’t on the end of your bed. I got into your mother’s room and she said, “You know, Howie. I am so glad Fiona Brass is done with you. I said to myself, ‘How could that nasty, old woman be so attractive to you because of her smell?’ She smells awful, even to me. It didn’t make sense. Becky said I should consult Agnes Dingle’s books to help you against Fiona and so I did. I looked for things like ‘Dog to Man Conversion’ or ‘Barking Man’ or ‘Dog Man’ or ‘Dances with Dogs’ and there was nothing. But while I was flipping the pages I happened to see a section called “Werewolf Lover” and there it was-- “Werewolf Pheromones” and a nice description of the ingredients. I said, “Werewolf Pheromones? But I was a dog, not a werewolf, or even a wolf.” Your mom said, “I know that, but werewolf is the closest I could find. I think Fiona Brass may have been using some stuff just like this on you” and she waved a bottle of a liquid in front of me. I said, “So you think Fiona Brass doesn’t really smell like love. It was that stuff?” Your mom said, “Well, the only way to know for certain is to try it out.” Then she opened the bottle and poured it all over her body. I went mad. I completely lost control. It definitely smelled like Fiona, but Fiona must have used the potion sparingly. I started yelling to you for help, but you never came. Finally I passed out from exhaustion, I think. When I woke up, your mother was gone. I have never been so sore in my life. I could barely walk, but I managed to make it to my car. I drove to my uncle and aunt’s house, the…um…I can’t remember their name. It has to be on a paper here somewhere. Oh…Kelpfroth. That doesn’t seem right for some reason. I think I will stay here until Monday. Becky, I hope you’ll understand if I stay away from your house for awhile.

    Howard

     

  • At 9:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, dallas stars 2 leafs 0 n the 3rd period. it iz lookin’ like ed belfour iz not gonna move n2 2nd place on the all-tyme winz list 2nite. i wuld b n a bad mood ‘bout this. well i am actually, but april, i gotta tell u that alexandra iz like the best thing that evah happed 2 me. i can’t evn get rilly ticked off ‘bout the leafs losin’ to dallas. i have been tryin’ 2b more cube ‘bout thingz, since i am makin’ a name 4 myself doin’ the sound 4 rebeccah & alexandra makes that rilly ez. i know geranium haz been talkin’ ‘bout marriage w/u & i can’t tell if he iz serious or just messed up az usual ger. but wen i am w/alexandra, i totally know how he feelz ‘bout u. she haz been rilly, rilly nice 2 me & i am startin’ 2 think she iz the 1. i am thinking mebbe propose wen i am 17 & then get married @18. my mom sez that this iz a gud idea, since i prolly won’t live past 20. my future sis thinks if i start talkin’ like this ‘round alexandra, i will scare her away. wut do u think?

     

  • At 9:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, dallas stars 2 leafs 1 final score. i startin' yellin' @the screen, cuz the leafs did not play well. alexandra sed, "ur vein iz pulsin' on ur neck." she sez she haz a way 2 fix that.

     

  • At 9:57 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hi, sorry i've been away fr. posting 4 so long. i've been @ ger's house. he called an' asked me 2 come ovr a lil bit after he posted, an' while i was @ his house the posts fr. drew fontaine & pierce inverarity came in. he was v. upset cuz, as he put it, "those guyz r @ the top of the social echelon @ r.p. boire, april flower. if they don't approve of the marriage idea, i must certainly give their position serious thot."

    just then, his dad came in & gave him a stack of articles he'd photocopied fr. psych. journals & he sed he wanted ger 2 read them & b able 2 "respond intelligently" 2 them in their next session. ger sighed & sed, "apes, i've gotta do sumthing mindless 4 a while. wanna play sum vid gamez?" so we played video games 4 a while, & 1 of the video games was, like, basketball, an' it had cheerleaderz. this reminded ger of the tryouts yesterday, so he wanted 2 make out. so we did. then his dad barged in2 the room & told him he was doing it wrong. an' his mom came in & told me she wanted 2 show me how 2 pick out the perfect notecards & stationery 4 every occasion. that took a long time!

    jeremy, yr future-sis has a pt. if u talk abt early marriage cuz u think u will die yung, that'll prolly freak out alex. how 'bout u just enjoy all the gr8 times u r having & take it a day @ a time?

    howard! how sneaky of fiona 2 use that pheromone stuff. u must feel v. betrayed! pls keep us posted.

    apes

     

  • At 10:17 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Aw, it was nothing, Apes! NEthing 4 my homies. :-) I watched Gordie send those files n2 the recycle bin on his cell, so they're GONE.

    & I heard thru Eva who heard thru Tangi via a convo w/Bartlesnoff & Drew Fontaine that Gordie wanted 2 ask me out, but I thought that was just talk & that Gordie was something of a playa. So it's just a concert & a diner trip, not marriage like some of u are talking about...lol. & I dunno if OLP is touring right now, but Gordie's even more of a fan than I am, so he'd b in the know 4 sure.

    Liz, I owe u 4 that poem! What are those called? Nmenoic devices or something? NEway, next time ur back n town, I'll treat u 2 espresso. :-) & ur right, Alex, the Amazing Race & the Travel Channel r awesome study aids.

    Vicks

     

  • At 11:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April,

    If you want, we can put off getting married until we graduate from high school. It might be easier that way. Also, I am concerned. I spent much of the evening calling the men on that list Dad gave me. I asked all of them, "Is it true that you get to have a lot of sex when you get married?" Most of them either laughed or cried and didn't answer my question.

    However, while I was making phone calls, a man called me. He says he is a Milborough married man. He wanted to stay strictly anonymous, so he used a pseudonym--"Pat Johnerson." Pat says that when he first met his wife, she didn't want to have sex until they got married. They finally got married and it turned out that the wife wanted to have lots and lots of sex. This went on for a few months until his wife got pregnant. Then she wouldn't have sex anymore. It stayed that way for a few years until the wife wanted another baby, and they got to have sex again for awhile until she got pregnant. Then there wasn't any sex for about 10 years. Then, all of a sudden, the wife started to want to have sex again. The husband thought it was because women reach their sexual peak at age 39, and that some weird hormonal thing was happening. But it wasn't true. The wife was just tricking Pat into getting her pregnant with a change-of-life baby. He hasn't had sex again since then, even though it's been 15 years.

    Pat also says that the change-of-life baby is a kid in our grade, and that I should look out because she is likely to be frigid like her mother. I told him I was very lucky to already be dating a girl who enjoys sexual expression in a healthy and age-appropriate manner. For some weird reason, Pat freaked out when I said that and screamed, "What kind of sex is age appropriate for a 14 year old?!?" I told him "so far, just second base, but she did flash half the school at cheerleading tryouts." Pat calmed down some after that and said, "Well, that sounds like it was an accident." I told him proudly, "No, she wore that thong under her skirt on purpose." Then Pat said many swear words and slammed down the phone.

    I feel really sorry for his daughter. Pat sounds like a man with many difficult psychological problems.

    Anyway, I'm concerned that if we get married too early, we won't have a chance to have lots of sex. We should do that before we get married, just in case. I think there might be some secret rule that you have to stop liking sex after you get married, or something.

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

     

  • At 11:07 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh, man. Beckers, does that mean that I can return yr Xmas gift an' get my $ back?

    p.s. Ill b more famus than u sumday.

    p.p.s. Ill find a new gf in Barbados an' shell b way cuber than u neway.

     

  • At 11:09 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I can meet you, but not at your house, or actually anywhere within smelling distance of your house. I am afraid I would lose control and do something I should not do.

    Howard

     

  • At 11:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    alexandra, no problem w/not c-in' u till monday. eva iz cube & ur idea of dubble-d8in' soundz gud 2 me.

    2nite wuz rilly, rilly gr8, evn tho the leafs lost. i can't b-lieve how nice u were 2 me. i can think 'bout that till icun skool on monday.

    'sides, rebeccah & i have a pile of xmas gigz comin' rilly soon & i hafta 2 check out the facilitiez & make sure the equipment iz gonna work 4 them.

    have i tol' u 2nite ur the best? if not, ur the best. i rilly like b-ing ur bf.

     

  • At 11:56 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Ok, Beckers, Ill bring yr Xmas gift 2 skool on Fri. If u change yr mind abt breaking up its cube w/ me.

     

  • At 12:24 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Becky and I are in Tim Hortons. Becky smells very good, like a nicely deodorized refrigerator wearing freshly laundered clothes. She is very concerned that I am still too much like a dog. She came up with the idea of slapping me every time I did something doglike, but gave up on that idea after about the 5th slap. It was attracting too much attention from the other patrons at Tim Hortons and Becky had starting hitting harder and harder out of frustration.

    Then Becky got the idea of us grading the men who came into Tim Hortons on how well they were dressed or how cute they were. This did not work either. Becky had to stop me several times from trying to sniff their butts.

    Then Becky got the idea that I should try to force myself to say nice things about cats, or maybe compose a poem in praise of a cat. I thought this was going pretty well. My poem is as follows:

    An ode to a cat

    The cat is such a fine, fine pet.
    You won’t find one you’d rather get.
    A poisonous snake, a biting flea.
    A cat is a better pet than these.
    A libidinous monkey, a stinging bee,
    A cat is a better pet than these.
    A giraffe that frequently cuts the cheese,
    A cat is a better pet than these.
    A flying bird with a rare disease.
    A cat is a better pet than these.
    A fish that lives deep under seas,
    A cat is a better pet than these.

    Becky had to stop me though. She said I started growling whenever I said, “A cat is a better pet than these” and it was attracting attention. We’re still thinking. If you have any ideas, let us know.

    Howard

     

  • At 1:05 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    When you next see me, I may appear a little hairier than you remember. Becky tried a spell from one of her mother's spell books from Agnes Dingle. It really attracted attention from the people at Tim Hortons, particularly when I started growing fur. Becky started whipping through the spell book for a reversing spell and found one pretty quickly. “Spello reverso.” That’s pretty handy. I will have to remember that one.

    I have pretty extensive chest and body hair, and think shaving my face could be an issue. It’s not too bad actually. I don’t have a receding hairline anymore. Becky says I actually look better, but I am not sure if she is just saying that to be nice. I think what went wrong was that the spell considered my dog self to be good(e) and my human self to be a change for the worse. I am a little insulted by that actually. Humans have opposable thumbs, which really kick ass over clumsy paws.

    Becky is looking through the book again. She says she is going to be really careful about the wording of the spell the next time. I am a little nervous about using this method and what sort of effect it would have on me.

    Despite the hair growth, there may have been some positive effects from the last spell. I haven't tried to sniff anyone's butt for a few minutes now. In fact, I find the idea a little repulsive.

    Howard

     

  • At 9:26 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Becky's last spell seems to have worked. The extra hair is gone, plus I got rid of a few unsightly moles and some back acne. Maybe you could try this spell on your facial blemishes. I slept over in my apartment and Becky went back to her house. Lots and lots of blankets. I can't wait until the heat is back on.

    Howard

     

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