Ready 4 Xmas
BTW, once the house was clean, Dad & I decorated the tree. I M pretty sure we made a mess w/the decorations. ::yawn:: That's a boring topic. Yo, quit pokin' me, girlz!
I'm still @ Alex's house w/Alex, Eva, & Becks. Becks is still asleep, but Alex & Eva R watching me rite this & giving me suggestionz. Man, I nearly had a heart attack when I looked in the mirror this morning! I mean, U know how long I had those st00pid zits. & I was sooooooo happy when that Acnomor finally kicked in & my skin cleared up again! It's been clear for, like, a week, yo! But while I was sleeping, Becks took a black Sharpie & drew 'em back on, so she, Alex, & Eva cd play connect the dots. I looked like one of the constellations. I'll have 2 send the pic they made 4 Ger 2 Liz & ask her which 1. Hi, Liz! Miss ya, girl!
I'm letting my bra defrost rite now. I'm tellin' ya, U do NOT wanna B the first one 2 fall asleep when U R @ a slumber partee. Hm, Becks is still asleep, tho. Shd we play connect the frecks, or is that 2 derivative*? (*Vocab word, yo!)
Alex sez we prolly shdn't talk abt that "schnitzel" stuff Howard posted abt last nite. It soundz pretty heavy. Speaking of which, I'm glad we had this fun slumber party what w/all the serious stuff going on l8ly.
Dunc, I M so glad U liked my gift. & that's gr8 newz abt yr 'rents paying off yr lawyer's bill. I hope U have a s00per good time in Barbados. I loved the jammies U gave me. They were perfect 4 a slumber party!
Apes
I'm still @ Alex's house w/Alex, Eva, & Becks. Becks is still asleep, but Alex & Eva R watching me rite this & giving me suggestionz. Man, I nearly had a heart attack when I looked in the mirror this morning! I mean, U know how long I had those st00pid zits. & I was sooooooo happy when that Acnomor finally kicked in & my skin cleared up again! It's been clear for, like, a week, yo! But while I was sleeping, Becks took a black Sharpie & drew 'em back on, so she, Alex, & Eva cd play connect the dots. I looked like one of the constellations. I'll have 2 send the pic they made 4 Ger 2 Liz & ask her which 1. Hi, Liz! Miss ya, girl!
I'm letting my bra defrost rite now. I'm tellin' ya, U do NOT wanna B the first one 2 fall asleep when U R @ a slumber partee. Hm, Becks is still asleep, tho. Shd we play connect the frecks, or is that 2 derivative*? (*Vocab word, yo!)
Alex sez we prolly shdn't talk abt that "schnitzel" stuff Howard posted abt last nite. It soundz pretty heavy. Speaking of which, I'm glad we had this fun slumber party what w/all the serious stuff going on l8ly.
Dunc, I M so glad U liked my gift. & that's gr8 newz abt yr 'rents paying off yr lawyer's bill. I hope U have a s00per good time in Barbados. I loved the jammies U gave me. They were perfect 4 a slumber party!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:39 AM
22 Comments:
At 9:34 AM,
April Patterson said…
mm, the pancakes r delish! i was hoping we'd have pancakes this morning. & alex made a big pot o' coffee. mmmmm coffee!
i thot becks wd b mad abt the red spots on her face, but she's, like, laffin' her arse off!
jeremy, i just told alex it's not yr fault u saw becky's boobs last nite. & i, like, reminded her that when u did, u covered yr eyez & were all, like, "i m not allowed 2 c this!" i think she'd like u 2 come ovr if u can. lemme ask. yup, u r invited. there r lotsa pancakes!
apes
At 11:53 AM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra, just got up. iz there ne breakfast left? sorry 4 starin' @rebeccah that tyme. wen ur a guy it's rilly hard not 2 luk @thingz. that wuzn't wut kept me up tho. i wuz thinkin' 'bout that thing u did wen u were givin' me the lecture 'bout not peekin' n ur window. i'm not postin' wut is wuz here, but u know how that sorta stuff iz rilly memorable. @least u i cudn't stop thinkin' 'bout it. have i told u 2day how wunnerful ur?
At 12:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra, u guys r still n ur pyjamas? i'll b rite ovah. oh, i have a special tree ornament i made 4 u 2 put on ur tree. it's kinda coffee-related. shuld i bring it ovah or w8 4 a more private moment 2 give it 2u?
At 12:10 PM,
April Patterson said…
d00dz, i m so embarrassed. i, like, got totally mesmerized by starin' @ the tree, an', like, the pine scent started 2 make my eyez water.
we r having fun decorating this tree, tho. becks realized she was cold afterall, so she put her sweats on ovr her babydollz.
also, becks had sum totally cube mary-kay makeup remover, so we were able 2 get the sharpee marks offa our facez.
apes
At 12:31 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks mighta gotten bored when she was the last 1 awake? & she found u asleep w/yr belly xposed? that's my theory. i'll ask becks.
apes
p.s. me next 4 the shower!!!
At 12:37 PM,
howard said…
April,
I am so glad that you and the other girls are having a good time at Alexandra Love’s slumber party. I have completed my interview with Greta “Sugar” Van Rensselaer. I thought I was a flamboyant dresser, until I met her. By the way, she has a Dutch pronunciation for her first name, where the "G" is like the "Ch" in "Chanukkah." And the "e" has an "ay" sound. This is why she encourages people to call her by her nickname "Sugar." That’s what she says anyway, but since she kisses almost everyone she meets, I think there are other reasons for the name.
She was very enthusiastic when we met. She had to check me on my shampooing abilities, since I am not a certified hair stylist. I shampooed each girl in the shop and Sugar kept on correcting me. She would say, “Now Howard, that scalp massaging while you are shampooing is not a bad thing, but you do not want to bring them to orgasm. Concentrate more on the hair. We are a hair salon, not an orgasm salon.” Needless to say, I had to give a shampoo to all the stylists in the shop, who have informed me that when I shampoo them I can concentrate on the part of the head that has nerve endings.
Marjee Mahaha showed me how to handle the register, which wasn’t very different from the ones I used in the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant and at Krystle’s Kakes and Pies. The other part is cleaning the shop after the haircuts, which is an area with which I have a lot of experience. So, I am hired. I asked Sugar about wearing dresses to work and she asked to look at my legs. She said, “Are you going to shave those?” I asked, “You don’t like the hairy look?” She said, “My French customers do. They come in on the thirteenth of the month. You can wear a short skirt then. The rest of the time, your dresses should be longer.” I really didn’t care about wearing a short skirt, because it is pretty cold out these days. But I am really pumped about getting to wear dresses to work.
So, it’s been a really good day so far and I have my holiday party date tonight with Dr. Everett Callahan to look forward to. I am going to wear something really classy but very Christmasy.
Howard
At 12:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra, i'm coming ovah. can i have a shower 2? just kiddin'. i know ur dad wuld kill me. i have ur ornament w/me, so lemme know wen u wanna give me that lecture.
At 1:13 PM,
howard said…
alex & eva,
I get confused about which one you are, but you are welcome to come to the salon. I should mention that Sugar is here, so any shampooing I am doing will be concentrating on your hair. I have slipped a couple of times already with a few ladies, since the massage is where I actually have been trained and when my mind wanders I have a tendency to go back to that training. There was one 70-year-old lady who said it was the first time she had gotten the big O in 30 years. I think she will be a repeat customer.
Howard
At 1:42 PM,
April Patterson said…
lol, howard, abt the v. special shampooz. u will make that salon v. popular if u keep that up, eh? i mean more popular than it already is, even.
apes
At 2:03 PM,
April Patterson said…
btw, i meant 2 say in my last post: congrats on getting the job. i totally have 2 make an appt cuz i m way overdue on a trim 4 that cute haircut marjee gave me back in oct.
& i m s00per xcited 4 u abt the d8 w/the morsel. u hafta post deets after! :)
oh, in case u r still confused, alex alwayz signs her posts. eva nevr does!
apes
At 4:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra, i rilly loved washin’ ur hair. i am so glad u thot it wuz gud, cuz aside frum washing my mom’z hair wen she gets sad (it makes her feel lots bettah), i have nevah rilly washed ne1’s hair xxcept my own. u didn’t open ur present? well, i think i shuld tell the othah peeps, just so they know, i got u a coffee-cup ornament with a recording chip on it that will play me singing that poem i rote 4u wenevah u press the button on the side. i rote sum musick 2 go along w/the wordz. i’m not az gud a singer az rebeccah, but i hope it’s ok soundin’ 2u. i painted the coffee cup 2 say alexandra on it, so peeps wud know it wuz urs. ‘course that may still be confuzin’ 2 ur dad. i dunno y he can’t remembah ur name. & i shud mention, it iz an ornament, & not a real coffee cup. if u put coffee n2 it, it will melt, so u mite wanna keep it on the tree.
just remindah, rebeccah iz playin’ creepy mccauley’s christmas party 2nite @the milboro hilton. i hafta b there early 2 set up, so that will b a little boring. rebeccah iz doin’ just piano & singin’, so there iz not a lot to it, but it will still take a little time 2 get the sound rite. the party iz very classy. az i unnerstand it, it’s mainly the medical peeps n milboro, like april’z mom & dad plus sum othah folks mportant 2 dr. mccauley frum othah places. i dunno if april iz gonna b there w/her ‘rents or not. prolly not, since she duzn’t usually come 2 parteez w/her ‘rents. rebeccah alreddy knowz she iz doin’ all christmas songs plus "dreidel dreidel" 4 a dr. rosenbaum, 1 of creepy mccauley’z friendz.
i am rilly luking forward 2 c-ing that classy dress u got 2 wear 2 the party. my mom iz drivin’ me ovah, cuz she & my future dad got nvites, frum them b-ing n the medical biz. my future sis will b there 2, so there will be sum1 2 talk 2 wen i hafta 2 do the audio board stuff 4 rebeccah. i can’t w8 2cun that dress.
At 4:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra, ur goin' w/me 2 the party. my mom iz gonna drive the truck w/rebeccah'z equipment n it & my future dad iz takin' his own car, cuz he duzn't wanna get there that early. u can take ur pick which 1 u wanna go w/, 'course i hope u will pick the truck, cuz that's where i will b.
At 4:43 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
Thank you so much for the advice on my date with Dr. Everett Callahan. I am not really worried about who is paying for the date, since we are going to a Christmas party. I find it very interesting that you are telling me which bases to hit on a first date. You didn’t give me this advice when I was dating Kortney Krelbutz or Brenda Starr and they were knocking home runs with me left and right, so to speak.
Everett has already called and told me that the party is a classy affair and that not everyone there knows he is gay. I interpreted that to mean that Dr. Callahan has not quite come out of the closet yet. So I will take your advice and dress masculine. If the relationship makes it past the first couple of dates, Everett is going to have to be introduced to my preferred style of dressing, but for now, I will play it cool.
I am really glad you made nice with Jean-Jacques and your dad. They are great guys. I hope you will have an opportunity to get back in the good graces of Dr. McCauley again. After all, it was he who set you up with a lot of those Christmas parties you have coming between now and Christmas. If you need a ride to the party you are playing tonight, I can ask Everett to pick you up and drop you off on the way to ours. Everett hasn’t told me much about the party, only that it is at the Milborough Hilton and is very classy. Let me know if you need a ride.
Howard
At 4:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra, i dunno. b cube i guess. oh w8, ur givin' me a compliment. thanx.
At 5:07 PM,
April Patterson said…
i asked the 'rents if i cd go 2 the party, but they sed no. cuz i'm not invited & they don't wanna "raise me 2 b a martian, pole-dancing party crasher."
so i'm gonna spend the evening w/ger. that pic the girlz e-mailed him scared him so much, he wanted 2 c 4 himself that i didn't have the zits all ovr again. he's way relieved 2 c his "little april flower w/her clear peaches-an'-cream complexion."
wd u believe he brot pamphlets on monthly breast self-exams? he picked 'em up when i had that ob/gyn appt @ the hospital 2 prove i wasn't pg. he told me he is v. concerned abt my "breast health" & wants 2 help me do a proper xam. when, u know, my 'rents leave.
apes
At 5:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, do u have ne xxtra of thoze pamphlets? or mebbe i cud borrow them afta u & geranium have used them? i am v. concerned 'bout alexandra'z health 2, u know, & i wunt 2 do my part az her bf 2 make sure she duzn't get sick.
At 8:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
Becky, Sugar and I are both so happy that you referred Howard to us! We had such a good time working with him today. He's a scream!
Howard and I have chatted before, but this was always at parties where there was so much going on that the conversations were pretty brief. You know how I used to do theatrical makeup? It turns out I've done Howard's makeup before! A few years back, I did the makeup for the Milborough LGBTLO's production of The Mikado, and Howard was in it. He didn't recognize me because I used to die my hair purple. Yeah, don't ask!
Anyway, I've been meaning to let you all know about something that happened this past Tuesday, 13 December. I already told you that Thérèse Caine comes in for a beauty lunch on the 13th of every month. These beauty lunches have become very popular, and we now have a deal with Anne Nichols at the Empire Hotel. She handles all the catering for these lunches for a great rate, plus she gets a beauty lunch herself every now and then.
So this particular "13th" was a little different, as it was also Deanna Patterson's 29th birthday. After her husband Michael got credit for the first beauty lunch she had here, he got it in his head that this would be a good gift. So he bought one for Deanna. So far so good. But for some reason, he insisted on coming along. And watching. To "bask in the glow of my wife's gratitude."
The Pattersons arrived here shortly after Thérèse did. Deanna and Thérèse greeted each other warmly, But Michael gave a stiff and formal greeting: "Good day, Mrs. Caine." "Please, call me Thérèse," she said. He shook her hand and then sat in one of the waiting chairs.
Deanna asked Thérèse how Françoise is doing, and Thérèse started to tell her that she's doing great, but Michael kind of snorted. Thérèse asked him if there was something wrong with his nose.
Michael: Well, we know that Anthony is the main care-giver.
Thérèse: Why, yes. Like your Deanna. Deanna, are you not the main caregiver?
Deanna: I am. Plus I work full time as the head pharmacist at the Spigott Medical Building. When I leave work, I have to pick up the children from daycare, get us home, make dinner, give baths, read stories, handle two different bedtimes, then read pharma journals to stay current.
Michael: Well, Thérèse. Dad tells me that Anthony's marriage problems are taking a toll on him. He looks tired and he feels he's failed. You're busy traveling, taking courses and climbing up the corporate ladder. There's no glass ceiling as far as you're concerned - just mirrors, and you like what you see.
Deanna: Michael, I've been meaning to ask you. What the fork do you mean by that? Are you saying a glass ceiling is a good thing? Do you think the glass ceiling should keep me from advancing in my career?
Michael: I'm not talking about you, dear. I'm talking about Thérèse.
Deanna: Funny, but those things you say about Thérèse sound an awful lot like you. The long hours, the trips to places like Japan when Merrie was a baby and I was left home alone with no help. Your spending a full day at Portrait and then coming home and hiding in your attic until the rest of us are asleep. How are you better than Thérèse?
While all this was going on, Sugar was doing Thérèse's hair and I was doing Dee's. Dee still didn't want to deviate from that bowl cut of hers.
Thérèse: Yes, Michel, I would like verry much to 'ear 'ow you are superior to me.
Deanna: We're waiting.
Mm, this lunch is to die for. Michael, speak!
Michael: Thérèse is a sharp woman who tried to be something she isn't. She wanted the stability of marriage but not the sameness. She never shared Anthony's vision of home and family, although for his sake she tried. Instead of talking things out and working toward a solution, she has become distant and more devoted to her career. She's rarely home these days and Anthony expects to have to make plans for a future without her.
Thérèse: Michel, I 'ate to say this, but you are talking out of your cul. You know me almost not at all, and you try to talk like you know the insides of my marriage et the workings of my 'eart. 'ow dare you?
Deanna: An excellent question!
Thérèse started to cry, so Sugar got her some Kleenex.
Thérèse: I tried so 'ard. You think I did not want to talk about our marriage? It was 'im, Anzony. The moment we 'ad any conflict, he was off looking for Elizabeth!
Thérèse practically spat when she said "Elizabeth."
Deanna: That's terrible!
Sugar: I'd kill! I would just kill!
Thérèse: I guess I was stupide, because he was clearly still obsessed weez 'er when we were dating. He even went out on a date weez 'er when we werr engaged.
Me: What an arse!
Thérèse: I know! I kept on telling myself that I would love 'im so 'ard I would make 'im forget all about Elizabeth. And whenever he went running off to her, or told me 'ow she did things a better way than I did--
Sugar: No!
Thérèse: Mais si!--I would tell myself I wasn't loving 'im 'ard enough. And when 'e told me 'e thought it was time for us to 'ave a bébé, well, I told 'im I 'ad to focus on my career. It was a critical time for me. I suggested we wait until I was more established and would be able to take time off for the first year. But 'e said 'e would take the time off. 'e would be "primary caretaker". It was not the way I wanted to do mozzer'ood, but he kept insisting. Persisting.
Sugar: He wore you down!
Thérèse: Yes! And now, 'e is going around be'aving as some martyr because it is 'e 'oo is the primary caretaker. Never mind zat 'e continued to work for Gordon Mayes when ze government was under ze impression that 'e was on full-time parental leave.
Deanna: You know, I was wondering about that!
Me: Doesn't that mean he was committing fraud?
Thérèse: Indeed it does. And I was living in constant fear that we would get into serious trouble. Anzony kept telling me I was being a silly little woman.
We all kind of shook our heads and swore.
Thérèse: So, Michel. 'ow do you come to this insight you think you 'ave into my life and my relationship with Anzony?
Michael: (muttering) Well, my Dad talks to Anthony. And then Dad talks to me, and. . ..
Thérèse nearly spat again.
Thérèse: Gossip! You men, you are worse than us women are supposed to be.
Deanna: Thérèse, you don't even know the half of it! When Michael isn't hiding up in his attic writing unintelligible outlines, he's next door gossiping with Weed. He even tried to get Weed to agree to a crazy scheme to buy our lousy, falling apart building! And if Carleen hadn't clued me in, they might have gone ahead and done it!
Thérèse just sort of shook her head and Sugar went into a long story about something that happened to her parents back in the Hague. It was a pretty interesting story, but this post is getting much too long as it is! Anyway, Deanna ended up asking Michael to leave, and I must say, we had much more fun once he was gone!
Marjee
At 8:26 PM,
April Patterson said…
so, ger is here an' we're watching some dvd's he brot. i will not tell u whether i let him, um, xamine me. but he keeps callin' those toll-free #'s 2 ask 'em what breasts r supposta feel like. it's sweet that he's so worried abt my health.
jeremy, ger is like "all the pamphlets r property of gerald millicent delaney-forsythe. no sharing with jeremy jones!" i pted out that there were duplicates but he sed, "all the better 2 have backup copiez!"
marjee, wow, my bro sure is an arse! it was a gd idea 2 kick him out like that, eh?
i hope that party is going well & that every1 is loving becky's singing!
apes
At 9:23 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh man oh man oh man Im so boned. Worst Xmas evah.
So we got 2 the airport 4 r flite 2 Barbados. An' the lady @ the check in counter says weve no reservations. An' my mom says WTF do u mean were the Andersons fr Mboro we have reservations we booked on Oct. 6.
An' the check in lady pushes buttons on the 'puter an' w8s 4 a few mins an' says, yr reservation was cancelled by Nigel Anderson on Oct. 8. An' my mom says 2 my dad WTF Nigel, an' my dad says 2 my mom there must B sum mistake Miranda chill, an' they send us off 2 meet w/ an Air Canada rep. We w8 4 the rep an' my moms yelling @ my dad I told u I dont like these paperless tickets an' my dad says dont blame technology, Miranda, an' dont yell so loud yr attracting attention an' my mom says I dont care if Im yelling Air Canada is stoopid an' so r u.
So then the Air Canada d00d comes in an' says Mr. A., u cancelled yr tickets by fone on Oct. 8. My dad say no way. The rep goes away again 4 like an hour an' my mom's yelling were gonna miss the plane an' my dad says hush Miranda an' my mom yells dont u hush me Nigel Anderson an' this goes on an' on til the Air Canada d00d comes back. He says he can prove my dad cancelled an' he plays this recording of the cancellation.
Oh, man. Worst min. of my life 4evah. Its me pretending 2 B my dad. I 4got that I thot my 'rents were sending me back home 2 the goat farm 'cos of Kimmi an' I cancelled the tickets.
So aft the d00d plays the tape its quiet 4 like a min. Then my 'rents were both yelling @ me. I dont remember what they said but I think my mom wishes she wasnt my mom an' my dad wishes he wasnt my dad. Then they asked 2 B put on standby. Air Canada d00d says no way, u have 2 book 7 days ahead 4 international flites an' u havent booked NEthing. My mom yelled @ the Air Canada d00d til he said hed call security if they didnt chill. They booked flites 4 Dec. 24 an' we left.
On the way home, no1 said NEthing. My mom shut off the front speakers of the car stereo an' blasted 96.3 in2 the back. I laid on the floor an' covered my ears. I asked my dad 1X 2 turn it down but he said not now son.
When we got home, I ran in2 my room an' shut the door. My 'rents rnt speaking 2 me but there fiting. I heard my dad say 2 my mom we only came 2 Canada 4 a better life. I heard my mom say 2 my dad that hes the 2nd stoopidest male on earth. I think I no whos #1.
OMG. OMG. OMG. L8r.
At 9:54 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, no, dunc! that's terrible! :(
if u wanna get away fr. the 'rents u can come by 2morrow. i'll bet yr dad won't b in the mood 4 trainz.
apes
At 3:06 AM,
howard said…
April,
I am at Dr. Everett Callahan’s place. It is really nice. Don’t take this wrong, but even though Everett is a dentist like your dad, his house is a lot nicer than your house. Sometimes I get confused in your house. I often think that the architect for your house must have been on crack, when he or she was designing it. You have halls that go through bedrooms and an assortment of odd colours of paint on the walls. Anyway, that is beside the point. Everett’s house is really nice. Everett was so kind as to let me use his computer to write this post, since you may have been concerned when your parents came home completely covered in soot. I suspect it is entirely possible that your mother will not tell you the story about what happened, so I have taken it upon myself to do so.
The evening started out very well. Everett picked me up and gave me flowers. Very nice. I could tell he is a classy guy, despite the constant barrage of surfer dude slang that permeates every sentence he speaks. I kept on having to remind myself that he is older than I am. We were going to pick up Becky, but she told me she found a ride to the party she was playing. So, we went to the Milborough Hilton, where the party was being held. When we got there we were greeted by none other than Dr. Ted McCauley, who was the host for the party. I was surprised to see him. He was not happy to see me in the least, but he was expecting Everett, who works in his same building. It turned out this was the same party where Becky was the entertainment. Jeremy Jones was already there with his mother and his girlfriend, a young lady with whom I have corresponded on your Real Blog and whom I think I have met before, named Alexandra Love. They had set up the Becky’s equipment and were doing sound checks with Becky when we arrived. Alexandra is quite an attractive, young lady and honestly, I wondered what she was doing with Jeremy, who looks older than I do. But young love is a strange thing.
Not too much later, your mom and dad arrived and so did the other members of your dad’s staff, Jean Baker and his dental assistant Jennifer. We all sat at a table together. Everett got very confused when your mother kept referring to me as Roberta. Both your mother and father were pleased to see Everett out with a nice woman with a tight bun. Your mother whispered to me that she would have preferred to see me in a dress, and I whispered back “Me too, but Everett insisted.” Your mother said, “Well you do what you need to do to get your man.” I said, “You are quite correct.” Then your mother kind of giggled to herself, as if she were remembering something. The conversation about me being a woman confused Jean Baker. Jennifer seemed a little more disturbed than Jean. She said to Everett, “I thought you were coming here alone. Not with a girl.” Everett said, “Do you dudes really think Howard here is a chick?” Your mom said, “That’s Coward. You need to work on your ‘k’ sounds. Say it with me, ‘Coward. Coward.”
Becky started singing and Everett asked me to dance, probably to get away from that table of people. I let him take the lead, and he held me close and we kissed a few times when no one was looking. He is a really good dancer, and he has very clean breath. I guess when you’re a dentist you are very aware of mouth odor. Becky’s set sounded pretty good, and it looked like her mother was really touched when she dedicated one of the songs to her. Of course, I was thinking, “Good job Becky. That’s the way to put things back together.” Then Dr. McCauley took advantage of the situation and made an announcement that he and Krystle McGuire were engaged to be married next summer. Becky’s mom said, “And the best part is, I don’t have to change my initials.” Then Dr. McCauley said, “Me either.” Some people laughed at this, however Becky launched into a particularly vigorous version of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” that left both her mother and Dr. McCauley glaring at her.
Aside from that, the evening seemed to be going pretty well, until there was a commotion over by one of the Christmas trees the Hilton had used for decoration around the ballroom. Your mother and father were having a heated discussion about a snowman ornament on the tree. As near as I could make it out, your mother considered the snowman ornament to be just like one that had apparently transfixed you back when you and your father were decorating the Christmas tree and/or making a giant mess (depending on who was talking) in your house. Your father disagreed and as they were pulling and pushing on the ornament to make their point, the Christmas tree starting swaying and crashed into a table covered with holly and ivy and the party food. When the tree impacted the table, some of the Christmas lights shattered and sparked against the holly, ivy and the tablecloth; and before anyone could do anything, they and the tree were on fire. The overhead sprinkler system turned on from the smoke, but soot was flying everywhere and people started screaming and running toward the doors. Becky started yelling something from the stage about fire exits, but she was being ignored by most of the people there. Everett grabbed my hand and took me out of the hotel, where we waited until the fire department got there and put out the fire. Becky was furious and used the F word quite a bit. She said, “Why can’t I have at least one foutre gig where some disaster does not happen?” After Jeremy Jones confirmed that the equipment was wet and sooty, but uninjured, we took Becky home. Then Everett kissed me and said, “Hey dude. Do you want to go to my place and like totally do it?” I said, “Becky told me you would think I was a slut, if we did anything more than kiss on the first date.” Everett said, “I don’t want to do it with prudes, just sluts.” I said, “OK. Let’s go.” I think Everett is ready for me now. He has a hot tub in his house, April, and it full of bubbles and ready to go. I think I am too.
Howard
At 3:41 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, the party 2nite wuz rilly innerestin’. aftah i loaded rebeccah’s equipment n the truck, my mom & i went 2 pick up alexandra 4 the party @the milboro hilton that rebeccah wuz doin’. lemme tell u, alexandra luked ‘bout as hott as a girl can b. i wuz thinkin’, “i gotta b careful puttin’ the equipment 2gethah, cuz it’s gonna b hard 4 me to luk @nethin’ othah than alexandra 2nite.
neway, it turned out my future dad & sis culdn’t come, cuz my future dad got sick @the last minute. my mom wuz disappointed, but wut can u do, rite? it’s always gud 2 network @parteez, my mom sez. so she decided 2 stay 4 the partee neway. so i wuz settin’ up rebeccah’z equipment w/my mom & alexandra helpin’ 4 awhile with the major stuff, but then i had 2 do the wirin’ & it wuz easier 4 me 2 do it myself, nstead of having’ 2 xxplain it. that wuz ok, cuz my mom & alexandra totally like each othah aftah the tyme wen they took out geranium w/frying pans. they disagree on wut 2 call thingz, but i can tell they r not rilly disagreements, just fun stuff.
rebeccah got there w/dr. mccauley & her mom. u culd tell they were havin’ problemz, but rebeccah wuz tryin’ 2b rilly cube ‘bout it. she sed, “i am a professional. i will do a professional performance, no matter who the customer iz.” i sed, “that’s gud advice.” but rebeccah just kinda growled @me. she sed, “it has been tough aftahnoon, ok. i need u n my corner jeremy.” i told her i wuz, & we finished the sound check. then rebeccah started her set. there wuz not much 2 do w/sound aftah that point, but u hafta make constant adjustments n the performance 2 accommodate the singer & whatevah background noise there iz. i told alexandra she culd dance w/sum othah guy if she wunted, since i cudn’t leave the audio board. alexandra sed she wunted 2b w/me & she sat rilly close 2 me & sed, “lemme know if i am distracting u2 much.” lemme tell u april, that wuz the most fun i have evah had runnin’ an audio board during a concert. durin’ the break between the sets, i put on sum background loops, & i finally got 2 dance w/alexandra. she iz a gud dancer & she didn’t seem 2 mind wen we slow-danced that i practically stomped all ovah her feet. she iz like the best gf evah. so cube.
aftah the break & dr. ted & rebeccah’s mom made sum announcements, we started rebeccah’s 2nd set. she wuz a few songz n2 it, wen sumbody startin’ screamin’ bout a fire & i luked ovah & saw a xmas tree knocked ovah on its side, on fire, w/ur mom & dad rite b-side it & ur mom screamin’ 2 ur dad, “see wut a mess u made?” & ur dad sayin’ “is this a menopause thing, cuz ur not flappin’ ur arms?” then the overhead sprinklers cut on. the hotel manager came ovah 2 rebeccah & asked her 2 make an announcement ‘bout fire exits & i turned her sound way up so she culd b heard, but it still wuzn’t loud enuff. my mom sed, “u gotta leave this equipment & get outa here.” i kinda protested, but i knew she wuz rite. so, alexandra, rebeccah, mom & i joined the rest of the peeps leavin’ the party. man wuz rebeccah pissed. fortunately, the equipment wuz just wet & sooty & not injured aftah the fire people were done w/it, cuz we have lots more gigz coming’ up tween now & xmas. we took the equipment & put it up & mom let me walk alexandra home. god, she luked so gud, so i tol’ her “u luk gr8.” she sed, “i do not. my hair iz still soaked frum the overhead sprinklerz & my dress is ruined.” i sed, “i still wanna kiss the girl inside all that stuff.” i hadda uncurl my toez wen i got home.
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