April's Real Blog

Friday, December 16, 2005

Bad punz abt Mom's Arse

Yeah, so sum thingz never change. Only it usta take much less time for Pattersons 2 tell peeps abt them. Well, I am STILL not talkin' abt the thing that rhymes with "hack room". But when Dad asked Y Mom was in such a huff this time, I told him abt the canister bein' open & the dust gettin' spread around cuz of it. I was posting here when he asked me & totally not feeling like B-ing around Mom's rampage, but, so, what else is new, eh? Then I heard Mom yelling, "Look @ that! Everytime I turn around--there's sumthing ELSE 2 pick up!" Then she found a doggie bone, & while she was bending ovr 2 pick it up, she was all, "Housework! No matter how hard I try 2 stay ahead of it, I'm alwayz BEHIND!" & rite after she sed "behind", Dad pointed @ Ma's big, wide arse & whispered 2 me, "behind"! I just rolled my eyez @ him & kept on posting here. & no, Jeremy. This stuff I'm still not talkin' abt, it didn't happen 2day. It happened earlier this week, when the rest of the stuff I'm not talkin' abt happed.

Man, I 8 waaaayyyyyy 2 much choccy w/Becky & Howard last nite. Becks & I felt soooooo bad abt Howard losin' his job that we were doin' NEthing we could think of 2 make him laff, like telling funny storiez & singing silly songz. It was nice 2 act goofy 4 a while w/all the heavy stuff that's been going on l8ly.

Well, that's all 4 now. Sorry I'm l8. Ma was givin' Dad 1 of her 12-step lecturez this morning, so of course I cdn't w8 2 get outta there. & then on the bus, Eva wanted 2 talk abt how Alex's sis, Miranda, has such cute accessoriez, & Alex shd borrow them more often.

Apes out

posted by April Patterson @ 9:59 AM  

29 Comments:

  • At 11:21 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    This morning Becky and I went to Krystle’s Kakes and Pies. Becky insisted that we go there so she could get her mom to hire me back at the bakery, since she thinks it is her fault I lost my job. Actually, the reason I lost my job, was because I wasn’t thinking clearly and didn’t ask for Tracey Mayes’ help in dealing with Dr. McCauley. But that is kibble under the sink now. I agreed to go along, because I needed to talk to Krystle anyway.

    As we walked into Krystle’s Kakes and Pies, Krystle was behind the counter serving up an enormous order of pastries to your mother. She had spotted a piece of doughnut someone had dropped on the floor and said, “Look at that! Every time I turn around-there’s something else to pick up! Pastries! No matter how hard I try to stay ahead of them, I’m always behind!!!” Then your mother bent over to pick up the doughnut, and knocked both me and Becky to the ground with that enormous bottom of hers. I didn’t want to look at it, much less get knocked down by it. It left me with a queasy feeling. Even when I was a dog, I don’t think I would have wanted to sniff that.

    Becky immediately launched into her story about how her mother should hire me back to work at the bakery. She did not get far into it, before she noticed that her mother was not paying attention to her, but was instead looking at your mother, who was salivating profusely. She said, “Oooh. Please hire her back, Krystle. The pastries haven’t been the same since Roberta left.” Krystle said, “Who? You mean Howard here?” Your mom said, “Yes. Coward. You should probably work on enunciating your ‘k’ sounds. Can you say it with me, ‘Coward. Coward.” Krystle said, “I have no idea what you are talking about. Besides there is no way I am hiring…um…Coward back.” Becky and Elly both said together, “Why not?” Krystle said, “My fiancé, Dr. Ted McCauley would never hear of it. He developed quite a loathing for …um…Coward back when he was a dog.” Becky said, “Because of that humping thing? That’s just what dogs do, you know. It’s not …um…Coward’s fault.” Krystle said, “No. Ted found some things, some dog hairs, in strange places after he came back from his conference in the Cayman Islands. I told him the hairs got there, because the central vac canister was left open and the dog hairs went all over the house. He couldn’t prove anything, but he was suspicious. There’s no way I can hire you back and still keep my engagement to Ted. That would just confirm his suspicion.” Your mother was overjoyed. She said, “I’m not the only one stewpid enough to leave the central vac canister open. I’m not alone.” Krystle said, “Actually, I just made up that story. I didn’t leave the central vac canister open.” Your mother said, “Oh! I was just making up my story too. Wait a minute. Did you say that Dr. Ted McCauley is engaged to you?” Krystle said it was true and showed your mother the ring. Your mom said, “I can’t believe it. Perhaps I have judged him wrongly all these years, thinking that he was afraid to commit to a real relationship with a woman. Perhaps it was his late mother all along holding him back from marrying Connie. I would apologize to him, but I never apologize. I occasionally will take the blame for something, but apology is not in my vocabulary. Well, actually it is in my vocabulary, but I only use the word to describe something that someone else should do.”

    I said to Krystle, “I don’t mean to change the subject from the fascinating topic of apologies. However, Becky is afraid that because she arranged for a gambler’s anonymous intervention for Dr. McCauley yesterday that it might not be safe for her around him.” Krystle said, “Oh that. I was afraid that Ted might rethink us getting married because of that, so I gave him some extra special tender loving care last night. Now, he is looking forward to the next time he gets injured. Becky is not in any trouble with Ted. She is in trouble with me.” Your mother said, “Gambler’s anonymous intervention. Do you think that would work for a 12-step program for my husband and his drinking problem?” I said, “No it’s just for gamblers.” Elly said, “I may try it anyway to surprise him.”

    We had to leave at that point to get Becky to school on time. So, no luck with getting a job at Krystle’s Kakes and Pies. I will have to try something else. Wish me luck.

    Howard

     

  • At 12:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, i m so sorry u had 2 c that view of mom's arse. i'm pretty sure sum of our neighbourz have moved away cuz of that site. also sorry 2 hear abt not getting yr job @ the bakeshop back. i thot that was a gd bet since u make such killer pastriez. i know the janitor stuff is totally not glamourous, but i did hear my dad mention that the janitor @ his med complex was let go cuz he of absenteeism. want me 2 put in a word 4 u? i cd meet u there after school if u r interested.

    apes

     

  • At 12:17 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Thank you. If you could put in a good word for me that would be great. I will meet you then.

    Howard

     

  • At 12:57 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I don't want to rain on your parade of moving in with your dad, but I think the Crown gave your mom custody. Otherwise, I would have suggested you could move into my spare bedroom, which is unoccupied except for the closet having some dresses in it. The guys in the halfway house are nice guys, but they are sometimes involved in activities that are a little nefarious.

    Howard

     

  • At 2:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, i need to go home & change after school, so i'll meet u in the lobby of the med bldg @ 3:30, ok?

    apes

     

  • At 2:47 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I will see you there. Thanks again for recommending me.

    Howard

     

  • At 3:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i just got 2 the med bldg. i think i c howard in the lobby. yep, he's reading mboro rainbow mag.

    apes

     

  • At 4:25 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Just to let you know, April got her dad to introduce me to the manager of the Spigott Building where her dad works. The interview went pretty well despite her father getting very confused about where he was. He started going through the trash cans in order to analyze the contents to choose the best toolkit for each trashcan owner and he wanted me to take down his findings like I did for him at the Mayes Midtown Motors, when the building manager asked him what he was doing. He said, “Choosing Christmas presents. A good bit of trash can tell you so much about a person. Gift matching is so important.” Then he said, “Oh wait a minute. Jean does that for me here. Oh well, carry on.” He started walking away and then he stopped and said, “Is that extra space for office expansion still available? I remember talking to you about it last month, but I am afraid the Christmas shopping rush has completely distracted me. Got to get those toolkits before the stores run out, eh?” The building manager said it was still available. Then April’s dad said, “I must have that talk with Elliot about the future of our business.” He started to leave and then turned around and said to the building manager, “You look like more of an electrical toolkit man instead of a painting toolkit man? Is that right?” The building manager said, “Sure. That sounds right.” April’s dad starting walking off again and then he turned around and said, “Did you give me a tie for Christmas last year? I can’t remember.” The building manager said he did not give him a tie. April’s dad said, “That’s good, because I didn’t mark it down, if you did.” After he left, the building manager said to me that if I could put up with that I was hired, except he was going to take me around to interview with some of the major tenants, to make sure that there were no major objections. We are currently waiting outside the pharmacy in the building for my next interview with the pharmacy manager.

    Howard

     

  • At 4:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, well i thot i wuz goin' w/alexandra & her family 2c the milton icehawks 2nite, but she told me she wuz having a sleepovah 2nite, but i cud go c the game w/her family if i wunted. i sed thanx, but no thanx. i am tryin' 2 get the thot of alexandra & othah girlz runnin' round n pyjamas outa my head. i think i am gonna work sum more on makin' sure rebeccah's equipment iz workin' 4 her next xmas party.

     

  • At 4:58 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i m totally in 4 the slumber party. is there nething special i oughta bring? (b-sidez the sleeping bag.)

    apes

     

  • At 4:58 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    No offence to your building naming knowledge, but the sign on the building clearly says, "Spigott Building." I remember thinking it was Mefait also, from when I visited here last as a dog. I will have to ask.

    Anyway, the pharmacy manager at the building with the words "Spigott Building" on it was April’s sister-in-law, Deanna. The interview wasn’t very long, because her sister-in-law had to get home to get her kids out of daycare, make supper, clean the house, and organize some outlines before her husband gets home. Afterwards April left so she could go to a slumber party. I have a few more people with whom to interview after this, but it is going well so far.

    Deanna Patterson seemed to be mainly interested in whether or not I would be able to get the smell of sauerkraut out of the pharmacy. She also asked me questions like, “How do you blow your nose? Do you cover your mouth and turn your head when you cough or sneeze? How often do you wash your hands? Do you touch your face, and if so, how often? Do you rub your eyes, and if so, how often?” Then she inspected my hands, wrists, face, and the back of my neck and behind my ears.

    I think I gave the right answers because she said to the building manager, “He’ll do.” Then she said to April, “We have to go back to Yonge Street sometime and do more than just drive through.” Then she gave April a hug, and ran out the door to drive to her home somewhere in Toronto.

    So, now I am waiting for the next interview with Dr. John Patterson’s partner.

    Howard

     

  • At 6:22 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    The guys at the halfway house are nice guys. I knew them pretty well back from my days in prison. I hope that you are right about the halfway house keeping them on the straight and narrow, but there was that incident with the Milborough Music store just recently, that makes me wonder a little bit, you know.

    You should be aware that even if your mom hates your guts (which I don’t think she does, by the by), the Crown will still recognize her legal custody rights. You need to make sure it’s all right with her before you stay with your dad. You don’t need him to be brought up on kidnapping charges by your mom. Such an act is not beyond her, since she has done it before.

    The interview with Dr. Everett Callahan went well. I got a date out of it. The interview went kind of like this:
    Dr. Everett Callahan: Hey dude! So you want to work here, man?
    Me: Yes. Assuming you give your approval.
    Dr. Everett Callahan: Hey dude! You know you would be cleaning up a lot of dental goo? Right?
    Me: Yes.
    Dr. Everett Callahan: Whoa! How would you handle it?!
    Me: Mop and pail. Broom and dustpan. Medical waste storage containers.
    Dr. Everett Callahan: Whoa! You must have had some hands-on experience. Too cool! You will like this place. It is well-organized, in a good location, good patient list…this clinic rocks.
    Me: I think I would be doing custodial work for the whole building and not just your clinic.
    Building Manager:Yes, that's right. The whole building.
    Dr. Everett Callahan: Bummer, man! All the people in this building are not as cool as me and Dr. P. The main pharmacist is hott, though. She's sweet to look at.
    Me: I thought you were gay.
    Dr. Everett Callahan: Whoa! You must have some inside information. You totally caught me, dude. Good preparation, man! Too cool! Your preparation rocks! So, like, man are you available, you know, not married or attached, dude?
    Me: I'm not seeing anyone, if that’s what you mean.
    Dr. Everett Callahan: Cool! Do you want to go to a totally excellent Christmas party with me?
    Me: Sure, I would be glad to go.
    Dr. Everett Callahan: Party on, dude! I will totally pick you and bring flowers and everything.

    So, I have a date this weekend to some Christmas party. I have one more interview to go and I think I will be hired. Wish me luck.

    Howard

     

  • At 6:27 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    gd luck, & woot! on yr d8 w/dr. morsel!

    becks, eva, alex, & i r making fudge rite now. yums.

    apes

     

  • At 6:52 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    If you want to stay away from home, that is fine by me. I am not particularly fond of Dr. Ted McCauley right now. However, I cannot recommend going to Québec and changing your name. Whatever you decide, your mother needs to agree, or there will be big legal trouble, as you well know. Your mother is not afraid to press charges.

    Anyway, my last interview went very quickly. I didn’t get the job.

    Dr. Ted McCauley told the building manager I had been in jail recently, I had mob associations, and he suspected I was involved in not only breaking into a good friend of his’ house in the last few days, but also in the break-in that occurred in his office a few weeks ago. He also said that he was convinced I was trying to destroy the relationship he had with his fiancée, and was seeking a job in the same building where his practice was housed in a feeble attempt to continue with my nefarious plans to tear them apart and take her for myself. I had to admit to the jail time, since that is in my record, and it sort of cast a pall on my innocent responses to the other accusations.

    Afterwards, the building manager told me that he expected the interview with Dr. McCauley to be rough because the doctor had been irritable since his mother died, but not that rough, and he couldn’t possibly hire me. Dr. McCauley has been a tenant in the building for over 25 years and is a good and reliable building tenant.

    So, no job, but on the bright side, I have a date with Dr. Everett Callahan. He is really energetic and he is quite cute. I don’t know if it is a holiday party you are playing. Dr. Callahan did not give any details. I don’t have my list of your parties in front of me, so I don’t know if my date coincides with one of them. I’ll check when I get home, or you could tell me now and I can compare.

    April,
    I really appreciate you going to that effort on my behalf. I wish it had worked out better. You are a true friend. I hope you girls are having fun at the sleepover. If you put a bra in the freezer, think of me.

    Howard

     

  • At 6:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, becks & i showed alex & eva a pic of dr. morsel, & they say u r way lucky! :)

    apes

     

  • At 6:59 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, howard, i am sooooo sorry 2 hear dr. ted backstabbed u like that. he is such a meanie. becks is on the phone cuz she just got an idea. more newz 2 follow.

    apes

     

  • At 7:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hello, Howard! Becky just phoned me because she remembered that I'd told her about Cee-cee, our shampoo girl, running off with some guy who was moving to Quebec. Anyway, it's not the best job in the world, but we need someone to shampoo our customers, sweep hair, and sometimes cover the register and book appointments. If you are interested, I can set up a meeting with Sugar Van Renssalaer, my boss.

    Marjee

     

  • At 7:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Oops, that should be "Van Rensselaer". I always have to check the spelling on that.

    Marjee

     

  • At 7:13 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Marjee,

    Being a shampoo girls sounds great. Can I wear one of my dresses? Just kidding (sort of). I would love for you to set me up with an interview with Sugar Van Rensselaer.

    Becky,

    Thanks for setting that up. For a moment there, I thought you were going to involve your father with something illegal. That would not have been good, because if Thorvald goes back to jail, it will be long time before he gets back out. The Crown is not nice to repeat offenders.

    Honestly, Dr. McCauley has good reason to be angry with me right now. I did do some things with his fiancée, your mother that I am not proud of. Plus, I am indirectly responsible for his getting beaten up lately by the Israeli mob. It is probably for the best that I don’t work in the same building where he is working. It would be very stressful. There are other jobs out there, where I don’t have to work with people who hate me, like this job with Marjee Mahaha, for example.

    What would make me really happy is you having a fan-freakin-tastic slumber party and telling me all the dirt you learn afterwards.

    Again. Thanks for calling Marjee.

    Howard

     

  • At 7:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Howard, I just got off the phone with Sugar, and she says she would love to meet with you tomorrow morning, 9 o'clock. She is anxious to replace Cee-cee because we've been very busy at the salon lately. Those beauty lunches have really taken off, thanks mostly to Thérèse Caine, who told all of her girlfriends and female clients about them. She comes in on the thirteenth day of every month, by the way, something about 13 being a lucky number for the French. Especially on Fridays. Then, she buys a lottery ticket. Which also reminds me that I have an interesting story to share from a few days ago, but that will have to wait until I have a bit more time to post.

    Anyway, Howard, if you can make it tomorrow morning, just come on by. Sugar is pretty flamboyant. I have a feeling she wouldn't even mind if you felt like wearing some of your drag outfits.

    Marjee

     

  • At 7:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    alexandra, workin' on rebeccah's equipment didn't work 2 take my mind offa u. but don't worry i am not thinkin' 'bout rebeccah n baby doll pyjamas, just u.

    it's kinda scarin' me that u & my ex-sumtymez gf r slumberin' 2 gethah. i hope u don't start swappin' bf storiez, like they show girlz doin' n slumber partiez n the moviez.

     

  • At 7:52 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Holy crap! Dr. McCauley is going to think I am responsible for that kidnapping because he kept me from getting that job. He already blames me for his last kidnapping. What were you thinking?

    Now I have to go and rescue Dr. McCauley from your dad and the guys from the halfway house. Fortunately, I know just where they are going.

    Howard

     

  • At 8:52 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, becks an' i had 2 do this "cardio hip-hop" workout in p.e. 2day, & we've been recreating the movez 4 eva & alex betw "truth or dare" questions. we r having so much fun!

    oh, hi, jeremy!

    apes

     

  • At 9:40 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, eva, u r rite abt that! :)

    apes

     

  • At 10:03 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, i think i remember yr mom tellin' my mom she needed, like, a trunkload of makeup, lol!

    apes

     

  • At 11:43 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, guys! Ive not Bn around 2 much l8ly, cos of that stoopid book report I got a D- aft the late points were taken off an' cos I hafta do next weeks work @ skool cos were leaving 4 Barbados 4 Xmas 2morrow.

    NEway, thank u Apes 4 this cube Raptors t it matches my lips an' mayB I can meet sum cube grrls in Barbados w/ it since Beckers doesnt want me NEmore. An' Beckers, thank u for for the gift certificate a pro like me can rilly use it.

    NEway, I hafta go. My 'rents have finished the Xmas pudding w/ Bajan rum sauce an' they want 2 give me my prezzies.

    L8r.

     

  • At 12:06 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Man oh man oh man! Best Xmas evah! My 'rents gave me a Xbox360 an' a PSP an' a Razr cel fone. An' then my dad brot out the ledger where hes Bn riting down all my payments on my lawyers bill an' it had the 3 sweetest words I evah read: "Paid in full."

    Merry Xmas evry1! C u in January!

    MCDunC

    p.s. Beckers, will u send me a photo of u in the babydolls 4 a souvenir? I sorta miss u lots.

     

  • At 2:28 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I am glad you are having a good time at the sleepover. I have not been having as much fun tonight.

    I went to where I expected your father to have taken Dr. McCauley and as you may have guessed, did not find him there. So I went to the halfway house and asked your father if he knew anything about Dr. McCauley being kidnapped. He did not know, but made a few phone calls for me. Then he said, “It looks like Becky called her godfather Jean-Jacques Foutre, the #3 guy in the Bandidos to take care of Dr. McCauley, but he is only supposed to scare him into not bumping off Becky. McCauley isn’t going to know Jean-Jacques, so it won’t be traced back to Becky.” I said, “Of course it will be traced back to Becky. She told McCauley to his face that she was the one responsible for the last time he was kidnapped. She’s the first person McCauley will think about, particularly if Jean-Jacques says anything like, ‘Don’t mess with Becky McGuire or else.’” Your father said, “Well, Jean-Jacques is more likely to say, ‘Ne tracassez pas Becky McGuire ou il y aura ennui.’ But I get your point. That was not very smart of Becky to say that to McCauley. She must have forgotten all I taught her about making veiled, indirect and untraceable threats. I’ll call up Jean-Jacques to make sure he doesn’t mention Becky by name.” Then he got on the phone and called, then said, “That’s strange. Jean-Jacques is not picking up. We better go over and make sure he didn’t get a little overzealous. He takes his last name pretty serious sometimes.”

    So, Thorvald and I rode over to Jean-Jacques’ place and there were 2 big black cars in the driveway. Thorvald said, “Holy hell! What’s the mob doing here?” and he drove on past. He parked his bike down the road a ways and we waited until the black cars left and then we walked very quietly over to Jean-Jacques’ place. We found Jean-Jacques and 2 of his Bandidos buddies there. They were wearing lederhosen, were lying in the fetal position on the floor, crying and mumbling. I said to Thorvald, “What are they saying?” Thorvald said, “Schnitzel. They are saying schnitzel.” Thorvald yanked Jean-Jacques to his feet and said, “Tell me what happened mon ami? Who did this to you?” Jean-Jacques was still shaking in his lederhosen and said, “We got zis Dr. McCauley like Becky wanted, mais just a few minutes aftair we took him here, zese black cars came. We wair outnumbered. Zey told us zat zis Dr. McCauley was a made man in ze family, and zat when we zreatened him, we wair taking on ze family. We have Bandidos pride, so we fought, but zair wair too many of zem. Zen zey brought out ze schnitzel. Eet was horrible. Le horreur. Le horreur. Why did Becky send us after a made man? Eez she trying to get ze Bandidos into a gang war? Pourquoi? Pourquoi?”

    Thorvald said, “McCauley is a made man?” I said, “Well he does have some pretty good connections with the Mayes. They had him do a lot of their medically-related activities.” Thorvald said, “And I thought Krystle was just trying to marry a rich, prissy doctor, when she was actually trying to be married to the mob. I didn’t know she was so ambitious. Let me tell you Howard, I always wanted Becky to have the best things in life, growing up to be a biker chick with the Bandidos, being on the road, getting away with committing felonies, you know the life I always wished that I had had, except for that biker chick part. But now, she could be like Victoria Gotti and be a crime boss’ daughter, get her own reality TV show, be a published authoress and have a famous criminal husband doing jail time. That’s even more than I wished for her. I hate to say this, because I think Ted McCauley is a slimy weasel, but I may have to give my blessing to Krystle’s wedding. I have to consider Becky’s future over my happiness.”

    I said, “What about Dr. McCauley wanting to bump off Becky?” Thorvald said, “Made man or not, the Mayes wouldn’t allow it because Becky is only 14. Tracey Mayes has a weak spot for kids. Becky should already know that. I gave her my lecture on major gangs in Ontario and their unique characteristics. Well, she might have fallen asleep on me when I was talking about the Mayes. For mob people, they are pretty boring.”

    So, I spent the rest of the evening with Thorvald helping Jean-Jacques and his buddies recover from whatever was done to them with schnitzel. The soufflés helped. There is nothing like good French food to help you with food-related torture.

    Just to let you know, I think you are in for some lectures from your dad about how to do perform felonious acts without incriminating yourself. It would also be a very good idea for you to make things right with Jean-Jacques and his men. They have really suffered for you tonight.

    Howard

     

  • At 2:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    alexandra, i can’t sleep. i keep thinkin’ ‘bout ur party. ru still up? sorry 4 peeking n ur windows, but i wuz kinda innerested n wut rilly haps @a sleepovah & then i saw some1 naked n ur house & i wuz hopin’ that…well, let’s say i wuz disappointed it wuz rebeccah. mom made me take off the concealer, makeup & eye shadow wen i got home. she sed she duzn’t want me 2 wear makeup nemore, evn tho the concealer made me luk younger & she iz innerested n the brand name, the next tyme uc her. neway, i rilly liked the way u lectured me on not peeking n ur windowz again. that wuz a rilly nice lecture & i am pretty sure u used the word nefarious correctly. man, it’s gonna b hard 4 me 2 sleep 2nite.

     

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