April's Real Blog

Monday, December 19, 2005

We don't get 2 meet Constable Paul yet! :(

I was so bummed when I found out Lizzie's not bringing home her "friend", Constable Paul "Morsel" Wright, but she's gonna meet his 'rents B4 she takes the bus back 2 Mboro. Liz sez Viv was being way nosy, like, when Liz referred 2 Paul as her "friend", Viv was all, "Your 'friend', Paul? I think U & Constable Wright R more than just friends." Liz told me she was like, "It's nothing serious, Vivian", while thinking, "U nosy ol' meddling busybody!" Then Liz told Viv, "I've had enuf long distance relationships 2know that they just complicate my life". And then the phone rang, Gary got it, then told her "It's 4 U, Liz....long distance!" But U know, who even sez that about a phone call NEmore? "It's long distance!" That's like a throwback 2 the dayz when long distance was a big deal cuz it was s00per xpensive. Now, peeps talk "long distance" all day long & no1 makes a dealio of it. It's retro, just like "beeswax". "Oh, Olive has a call. Long distance!" "Who was it, Olive?" "None of your beeswax, Eunice!" "Well, I shall call on Archibald now, because U R no fun NEmore, Olive!"

So I M really lookin' forward 2 C-ing Lizzie over the Xmas break! ::waving 2 Liz::

Dunc is wearing 1 of Ger's uni's 2day cuz Dunc's R all @ the cleanerz & Dunc was totally supposta B in Barbados now. & Ger's uni is a lil ripe.

Well, that's it 4 now. . . .

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 9:21 AM  

19 Comments:

  • At 9:50 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i saw alex carrying that giant, steaming mug of coffee & she had the biggest grin on her face. i think u dun gd! :)

    apes

     

  • At 12:21 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    man, becks, that's cold what yr mom sed.

    i think liz wants 2 keep viv & gary guessing cuz viv is such a gossip. next thing u know, there'd b peeps hangin' outside lizzie's bedrm window 2 c if she's making "the beast w/2 backs" like that icky iago guy sez in othello.

    apes

     

  • At 12:47 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, becks, i was thinkin' the same thing abt diane downs/susan smith rite b4 i red that part of yr post. do u really think yr mom wd go psycho on u like that? i know my 'rents r freakydeaky like no1's biz, but i also know they wdn't kill u. do u wanna stay w/us 4 a while?

    apes

     

  • At 4:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    alexandra, i’m confuzed ‘bout rebeccah sayin’ u cudn’t go 2 her non-prison-related giz, cuz u i thot she had given permission b4 4u2 help me out 4 free. i musta have misunderstood wut she sed b4 ‘bout thoze. i’m rilly sorry 2 get ur hopes up ‘bout goin’ 2 the partiez @ dr. morgan, dr. duncan, & mrs. worth. i wud’ve luvved 4 u & eva 2 b there. i’m glad u liked ur coffee tho.

     

  • At 4:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The Power of Neighbourliness Staves Off Christmas Tragedy

    Sometimes, Santa is just a phone call away.

    This weekend, at Toronto's Pearson Airport, a little bit of holiday

    magic intervened to save the Andersen family's Christmas. A travel

    mishap had left Nigel, Miranda, and their son Duncan (7) without the

    tickets to go to their far-away homeland of Norway. As Duncan (6)

    yelled from the Terminal 1 bathroom (in a voice with a sweet hint of a

    Scandinavian accent), Nigel explained how his family, new Canadians

    all, were left bereft on this most stressful of holidays

    (unfortunately, due to his thick Norwegian accent, the floor waxer,

    and several departing planes, I couldn't hear him. But the anguish

    showed in his eyes).
    Fortunately, my photographer knew someone in Milborough, the home town

    of the Anderssens. I called Elly Patterson, the contact for the R. P.

    Boire PTA, and before long Duncan (8) had somewhere to spend the

    holidays. "My daughter April (6) knows Duncan from school," Mrs.

    Patterson explained. The Anderssens let out sighs of relief, and Nigel

    Andersson immediately called the assistant manager at the Milborough

    Credit Union to tell him of his salvaged holiday. "Steve Malkmus at

    the credit union can take care of the boy, too," he said.

    Sometimes, it takes a village to make a holiday.

     

  • At 4:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, ms. blatchford. it soundz like u have summa yr facts a lil off. i'm duncan's friend april. i'm 14 yrs old, an' so is dunc. his fam is from barbados, not norway. they were tryin' 2 go 2 barbados 4 the hols. they spell their last name "anderson".

    apes

     

  • At 5:07 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    There is something I need to let you know about your mother that may explain something about this Rosalba Blatchford stuff. I may have damaged your mother.

    Today, at the hair salon, Sugar just gave up about stopping me from doing the scalp massages while I was shampooing hair. Instead she put up a sign that said, “All Shampoos Must Include Hair Styling.” That worked out pretty well for me, so I didn’t have to concentrate so hard on not doing what comes naturally to me when it comes to hair and scalps.

    Well, your mother came into the salon to get her bun tightened for the holidays and she saw the line of people waiting for the shampoo and asked Marjee what it was about. She said, “Nice nativegirl, why are all those old women lined up for a shampoo?” And Marjee told her that I added a little something extra to my shampooing that people liked. Well, then your mother immediately got into the shampoo line, and when the time came for shampooing, she said, “Well, Roberta, I expect you to get me moaning like all those other ladies.” I told her I would do my best, but after a few minutes of shampooing she said, “Roberta, is that the best you can do? My husband does a better job shampooing than that. Of course he usually sets my hair on fire when it does it, but still. Show some professionalism.” Well, this kind of got me mad, so I started applying my best tantric scalp massage techniques on her, which I usually don’t use except on special occasions. Your mom said to me, “Roberta. Honestly, I get a better scalp massage when my dog licks leftover pasty off my scalp. Put some muscle into it.” So, then I applied my extra special, sure fire, never fail scalp massage to her head, and she said, “Well, that’s a little better. But it’s still not very good.” As she was saying this, I noticed that her nose started getting bigger and bigger, but she was still complaining about the low quality of my shampooing. Finally, an idea occurred to me and I started singing a song very softly and lowly to her. It was “Fortune Teller” by Bobby Curtola. Then your mom started moaning and saying, “Yes. Yes. Bobby. Take my hair down, Bobby. Yesss!!” And she said that last part quite loudly and everyone in the shop was staring at us. Then a strange thing happened. Her nose shrank down to the size of a cute little perky turned up nose. She got up and said, “Thank you Roberta for that…Hey! You’re a man!” I said that was correct. She said, “I wonder how I got that confused. Well, that was a very nice shampooing. I am ready for my hair cut.” Marjee came over and said, “Would you like the usual bun tightening, Mrs. Patterson?” Your mom said, “Bun tightening? I don’t think so. I am thinking of trying a new hairstyle. Something loose and free. What do you recommend Marjee?” Marjee was taken aback and said, “You didn’t call me nice nativegirl?” Your mom said, “It would be very offensive to say that. Oh, I apologize for saying that before. I don’t what got into me. Is calling you Marjee all right?” Marjee nodded yes and she began to work on your mother, and they talked about Marjee’s family, while Marjee appeared to be in a state of shock most of time. After she was done, your mother gave Marjee a big tip, and said, “That was a very nice job, Marjee. I think I will recommend you to some of my friends, if that’s all right by you?” Marjee said it was and then said, “Are you going to make your usual pastry stop at Krystle’s Kakes & Pies?” Your mother said, “Pastries. I don’t think so. Maybe I’ll get something else.” Then she left and the entire shop went outside and watched as she went into Krystle’s Kakes & Pies and came out with an orange juice container. Krystle came outside and watched as your mother went into Mr. Singh’s corner store. She came out munching on some raw broccoli, as Mr. Singh came outside with an amazed look on his face. We all watched as your mother went into Lilliput’s. Shortly after she went in there, Moira Kinney and Beatrice Alfarero came out and were talking very enthusiastically before going back into Lilliput’s.

    So, I hope I haven’t somehow damaged your mother. I just thought I would let you know, her behaviour is not normal, if you see her.

    Howard

     

  • At 5:14 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, howard! i don't know what u did xactly, but all i can say is i hope it lasts! so does dad. mom's been, like, talkin' 2 me like i'm a real person. & making sum jokes that r, like, funny. no lame. & her nose. it lks like it did in the old pics of her fr. long b4 i was born. u must b, like, a magician!

    apes

     

  • At 5:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I must say, that was remarkable! This was the first time your mother ever gave me a tip. Oh, unless you count that one time when she said, "Here's a tip for you, nicenativegirl. Buy low, sell high!" And then nearly bust a gut laughing.

    Howard is really working wonders for the salon. Sugar says she might have to hire at least one more hairdresser, and maybe two or more.

    It's been so much fun spending time with Howard! He's going to meet Nardo & me for drinks after work. He says he's bringing someone with him, but didn't say who.

    Marjee

     

  • At 5:30 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Well I feel a little better that your mother used to look like that. I don't think I am any kind of a magician, but I guess I should tell you that your mom stopped back into the shop briefly before she went home where you saw her, to show Marjee and the other stylists some lingerie she had purchased which was "to give her husband a special Christmas present." When I tried to see it, your mom said, "No Howard. Girls' eyes only." And she giggled a sort of melodious girlish, giggle. It sounded so strange coming out of your mom. My guess is that you may be sent out of the house for some reason tonight and you should probably stall coming back as long as you can, if you know what I mean.

    Oh, just to let you know. Marjee, Nardo and I are going out for drinks with Everett. He called to ask me out again for the weekend. I got so excited I just said, "Let's go for drinks tonight." And he said yes. I am definitely not playing very hard to get, am I? Well, it should be a good opportunity to see how well Everett interacts with us as a couple. That's an important thing to find out, I think.

    Howard

     

  • At 6:11 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, yeh, my mom shocked the heck outta me by sayin', "april, i think u need sum quality time w/yr bf. mrs. forsythe & i arranged 4 u 2 spend the nite there. u leave rite after dinner."

    i'm all, "on a school nite." & she's like, "oh, u'll b supervised. u have 2 do yr homework & mrs. forsythe tells me u will b in the guest suite. but, still u will have sum nice alone time w/yr handsum guy." i cdn't believe it. & dad just had this big, st00pid grin on his face.

    so, we're abt 2 sit down 4 dinner. then i hafta pack & dad's gonna drive me 2 ger's.

    apes

     

  • At 9:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    We are having so much fun! We started at the Biergarten two doors down from the salon. Now Everett has another place he wants us to migrate to. I can't believe we've been here as long as we have. Well, gotta go!

    Marjee

     

  • At 10:33 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Well, spending the night at Gerald’s. That must be very interesting. I can’t wait to hear about it.

    Marjee, Maynard, Everett and I have been pretty-much bar-hopping, and Everett is clearly trying to impress me by impressing my friends. He has paid for everything. I think it was also to make up for an initial poor first impression when he met Marjee and Maynard. Everett was unable to stop staring at Maynard’s very muscular body and I think, accidentally misspoke when he said, “It’s too bad you’re straight, dude.” It didn’t seem to affect Marjee very much and when I asked her about it, she said, “Oh, Howard. I’m used to people hitting on Maynard. If we didn’t have an open relationship, it would make me crazy. But Maynard knows there is almost no one who could stand to live with him except me.”

    We started off at the Biergarten two doors down from the salon and I was trying hard to suppress nausea whenever schnitzel was being served to tables around us. I had not been schnitzeled myself, but the odor left on Jean-Jacques and his fellow Banditos that night has left an ominous olfactory impression on me. I asked everyone at my table not to order a schnitzel and they very kindly agreed. Everett ordered a very expensive German wine, which was also very good, even by my standards. Maynard preferred to drink Molson, despite entreaties from Marjee that he should try the wine. Everett said, “This wine is totally cool, man.” Of course it was a red, so it was room temperature and not actually cool, but I understood what he was saying.

    Everett wanted to go dancing after that and I am posting from the dance place. It was tricky finding a place that Maynard would accept, because he didn’t want to go to any “fag bar” as he so quaintly put it. Oddly enough, we are at the dance floor at the Milborough Hilton. The custodians here have done an excellent job at removing the smoky odor from the fire. I must ask them what they used. Maynard is not really into dancing, but he succumbed to pressure from all 3 of us, and I think he is having a good time, particularly when the DJ plays hard rock-and-roll. Marjee just told us that she is having a blast, because she can never get Maynard to dance with her by herself. Marjee is a lot of fun.

    Everett keeps on staring at Maynard, while he is dancing and it is starting to irritate me a little. I have got to get back into shape. This gut I picked up as a dog, is bothering me. However, I have some dance floor moves that are guaranteed to get a man’s attention. Everett will stop staring soon enough.

    Howard

     

  • At 11:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    alexandra, we have a little break n the rex morgan party & i thot i wud post u that i miss u. i’m sorry i hadta cancel out on our coffee this aftahnoon. i hadta make sure rebeccah’s equipment wuz ready 4 this party. i rilly wish u were here, but u know wut rebeccah sed.

    it’s been an uneventful evenin’ so far. rebeccah got here l8 & she wuz mad. i asked wut the deal wuz & she sed, “don’t ask.” i sed, “ok.” so we did our sound checks & rebeccah seemed a little less mad so i asked rebeccah, “wut wuz the deal w/not lettin’ alexandra come 2 the party?” rebeccah sed, “hello, it iz not cube 4 me 2 ask important clients like dr. morgan, dr. duncan, or mrs. worth if my friendz can come hang & eat their food but not work.” i sed, “u nevah had that rule b4. u usedta invite april, geranium, mcdunce & howard 2 come 2 ur gigz w/u.” rebeccah sed, “do u rilly hafta ask this question? the answer shuld b obvious.” i sed, “ok. i’ll try 2 figger it out on my own.” of course, i have no idea.

    then rebeccah sed kinda angry like, “u know howie or maynard usually give me ridez 2 gigz, but they were out drinkin’ & i had 2 get a ride frum dr. ted.” i sed, “my mom coulda given u a ride, wen she drove the equipment truck out here.” becky sed, “thass not the point.” i sed, “wut iz the point?” rebeccah sed, “here’z a retro answer 4u, ‘none of ur beeswax.’” i figger rebeccah wuz just n a bad mood, so i decided 2 stop askin’ her stuff, cuz we were startin’ 2 get a little loud.

    we were loud enuff we attracted the attention of the party host, rex morgan, m.d. he came up 2 rebeccah & sed, “ru2 havin’ a luvver’s quarrel? it iz v.v. important 2 get the issuez of teen sexuality out n the open 2 discuss them. have u2 been usin’ proper contraceptivez?” rebeccah sed, “jeremy iz not my bf.” dr. morgan sed, “i cannot recommend 1 nite standz. it contributes 2 the rampant spread of disease.” rebeccah sed, “i am a virgin. i have proof.” & rebeccah pulled out her certified virgin letter & showed it 2 dr. morgan. then the doctor’z wife, june, came up & sed, “rex, darling. sum more guests have arrived, u shuld greet them.” dr. morgan sed, “ur quite correct, june. if they r not given an appropriate greeting, they culd suffer unduly frum depression.” aftah he left, june sed, “sorry ‘bout that. rex haz a hard tyme turning off the medicine, evn @hiz own parteez & particularly wen it comes 2 male/female intimacy & commitment. aftah all, we d8ted startin’ n 1948, but didn’t get married till august 2, 1995. it wuz such a long tyme, i changed my hairstyle 3 tymez b4 i gotta proposal.” rebeccah & i were kinda quiet then, so june morgan sed, “i hafta go help rex. he can’t do nething w/o me.”

    i sed 2 rebeccah, “how old r theze peeps?” rebeccah didn’t know. i sed, “how come wen we were talkin’ 2 him, he kept positioning himself so we hadta luk up hiz nose?” rebeccah sed, “dunno. mebbe he wunts 2 show us he trimz his nose hair.” frum a distant part of the room we heard dr. morgan say, “nostril cleanliness iz v.v. important 2 maintaining one’z health.” i dunno if he wuz talkin’ 2 us, but who knowz?

    neway, rebeccah haz played a couple of sets now, & the party peeps rn2 her. she haz 1 more set 2 go 2 call it a nite. doin’ her musick haz put her n a bettah mood. she actually gave me a hug aftah the 2nd set & tol’ me i wuz doin’ a gud job.

    neway, i hope ur ok watchin’ the hockey game w/o me. lemme know how the game went. i miss u.

     

  • At 1:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah, y did u go rite aftah the gig? my mom wuz gonna give u a ride home wen i saw ur mom & creepy mccauley ditched u.

    sorry, shuld have talked 2u earlier 'bout that that. i wuz bizzy loadin' up ur equipment & i figgered u wudn't just walk home & i wud offer 4 my mom 2 take u if ur 'rents didn't come back b4 i finished tearin' down & loadin'. ic ur ok, cuz of ur post, but i wuz worried 'bout u. well, a lot worried cuz i cud c wut ur mom wuz doin' w/the champagne. i'm glad ur all rite. sorry u had 2 hear that stuff ovah @the pattersons. that wud've creeped me out.

    rebeccah. my 'rents divorced just like ur 'rents r gettin' reddy 2 do. i know all 'bout this kinda stuff. i figgered it wuz 1 of the reazns, u picked me 2 work w/u on ur gigz, cuz we had that n common. this iz gonna sound sappy. if u needta talk 'bout this stuff w/sum1 who haz been thru it, u can talk 2 me. i know we r not sumtymes bf & gf nemore, but we still work 2gethah & ur important 2 me & not just cuz of the career. ok, i'm freakin' out how much i sound like dr. phil.

    p.s. i know u were n a bad mood cuz of creepy mccauley wen u got 2 the morgan party, but i got 2 the gig b4 u did. it takes a couple of hours 2 set up ur equipment, so i hafta get there pretty early 2 have it reddy by the tyme u get there. i wuz just n the washroom wen u got there. thass y it luked like i got there l8er than u. i am tryin' 2 do a gud job 4u. ok?

     

  • At 2:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello). Have you heard from your sister? She told me she has a decision to make for seeing my parents at White River and things are up in the air. I think our relationship is changing.

    The last time I was in Mtigwaki, she said it is hard to sustain another long-distance thing. She wished I lived closer. She said it did not work out with her old boyfriend Warren and he had a helicopter, so it's probably futile to try for a relationship with anyone who has a land-bound vehicle. I use instant messaging programs and email every day and write letters and visit whenever I have a few days off. I do not know what else to do. The closest Ontario Provincial Police detachment to Mtigwaki is in Nipigon. Nipigon is closer to Mtigwaki, but not close. I cannot request a transfer until I have worked my required time at the Otter County OPP.

    Once, Elizabeth ran outside because she heard the sound of a helicopter passing overhead. She said she hoped the feeling would go away when she heard a helicopter, but it hasn't. She told me after we met; she keeps in touch with Warren. I thought this meant her relationship with him was over. She told me Warren was just a friend. This worries me. She has told me she tells people in Mtigwaki we are just friends.

    The other man your sister speaks of often is Anthony. She says to me, “I wonder if Anthony's made the break with Thérèse yet?” or “My brother says my dad says Anthony is expecting to have to make plans for a future without Thérèse. It concerns me she is so interested in his marriage failing.

    I do not mean to burden you with this. I have never had rivals. I will trust Elizabeth to make the right decision and choose us.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 3:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah, i can't sleep either. ur rite my future dad duzn’t want me dead. ‘course i didn’t have him beaten up, so there iz a little difference. if i had my future dad beaten up, he prolly wud wunt me dead 2. course the othah big difference iz my future dad duzn’t need a beatin’ like creepy mccauley duz.

    my future dad & mom get along pretty well mosta the tyme. i think it may b cuz my mom w8ed a long tyme after my real dad left b4 she started d8ing him. ur mom izn’t evn divorced yet, so there iz still sum stuff she iz goin’ thru n her head. when my mom wuz goin’ thru her divorce, she d8ed a lot of loozerz, mainly cuz they were the xxact opposite of my dad. that may b the way ur mom thinks of creepy mccauley. ‘bout that not wanted 2b a mom tho, that iz xxactly like my dad. he did not want ne kidz @all. but u know he mellowed sum aftah awhile. i got 2 learn how 2 handle the audio board frum him showin’ me w/hiz band. so mebbe ur mom will mellow ‘bout that 2. i’m not gonna lie 2u, it wuz sum ruff years b4 my dad got mellow. u got friendz tho. that will help.

    az 4 alexandra. she’s rilly cube. it may take a bit b4 she figgers how 2 handle me spendin’ so much tyme w/u on gigz, but i think if ne1 can do that, she can. i’m rilly glad u went 2 her sleepovah. i know that musta been a little strange 4u, but that made thingz a lot ezr 4 me & alexandra. thanx 4 that.

    i know the gig didn’t end well 4u havin' 2 walk home, but u did gr8 2nite. aftah dr. morgan gives u those pamphlets, he may give u a referral.

     

  • At 5:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah, sorry ‘bout that. i guess nstead of sayin’ n my post u had creepy mccauley “beaten up,” i shud’ve sed u had creepy mccauley “beaten up by accident” or had him “beaten up so he wudn’t kill u n retribution 4 having him beaten up by accident.” mebbe if u xxplain 2 dr. ted the 1st tyme u had him beaten up, it wuz by accident then he wud unnerstand. u cud just say, “i only meant 4u 2b turned n2 the review board, not beaten up.” he mite go 4 that. aftah all, wut iz the medical review board gonna do? revoke hiz licence 2 practice medicine iz all. hardly nething. dr. ted wud unnerstand that, rite? then 1ce he unnerstood, u cud xxplain the 2nd tyme u had him beaten up it wuz only in self-defence frum the 1st tyme u had him beaten up by accident, eh?

    knowin’ creepy mccauley, i don’t think that wud work. sorry rebeccah, i can’t think of nething u cud say 2 creepy that wud make him feel bettah ‘bout b-ing beaten up 2 tymez by u, evn if it wuz by accident or self-defence or cuz u rilly wunted him turned n2 the review board & not beaten up. i’ll keep thinkin’ & mebbe sumthin’ will come 2 me.

    p.s. every1 knowz ur not a random thugette, xxcept dr. ted & mebbe ur mom. don’t worry. every1 else knows.

     

  • At 8:27 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Sorry I didnt post sooner Ive been thinking abt uni. If Im not a famus rapper b4 grad Ill go 2 UWO an' live @ in the Saugeen rez like Mike used 2. I shld b able 2 find sum gigs backing up the pole dancers @ Saugeen.

    Got 2 go, Apes. Yr moms calling me 4 brekkie.

    p.s. Apes, y did I sleep in yr bed last nite? I think Im 4getting sumthing.

     

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