Gramps = Grumpy Old Man
Yo, Dunc is here now. He totally wanted 2 get outta the house, & he was totally throwin' pebbles @ my window @, like, 6 AM! So I let him use my fire ladder climb in2 my window. Then he used my sleeping bag 2 sleep on my floor a coupla more hourz. After I post this, we're gonna do sum snowboarding & then go 2 Horny Tim's. Cya there, NE1 who wants 2 join us. We'll prolly be there around noon.
Well, Iris called Mom yesterday afternoon. Gramps was bein' a big old grump abt being all cooped up so Ma went ovr there so they cd get out. Ma sed she'd take them 2 dinner & then drive around & lk @ Xmas lites, & Gramps was all "C?" 2 Iris, like he predicted that this was what Ma wanted 2 do. So Ma was all suggesting other ideas, thinking Gramps was tired of the boring, predictable, blahblahblah, but it turned out he wanted 2 do it. He was just, like, gloating abt his s00per-d00per predictor skillz. & bein' a grumpy old man, all "::Tsk:: Just when U start looking 4ward 2 sumthing...they try & change the routine!" & Iris all shrugging @ Mom. So, like, they had the "early bird special" @ the Mayes's icky restaurant & went thru the neighbourhoods that have the flashiest lites on display. Ma wanted 2 get this all outta the way so's she & Dad cd B on time 4 Dr. Ted's party that I wasn't invited 2.
I guess it's just as well I wasn't invited, cuz @ least I didn't need 2 worry abt getting soot outta my clothes & offa my skin, like every1 who was there. Cuz of my mom an' dad knocking ovr that Xmas tree & causing a fire. Gd going, Mom & Dad. Howard, U R rite, they totally didn't wanna talk abt it. They were all, "None of yr beeswax, April Martian Patterson, teenangster extraordinaire!" & I'm like, "Beeswax" is totally retro. Becky taut me that. & they're like, "It's REBECCAH now." & I'm all, "That's her stage name. Offstage, she's still Becky." & they tried 2 argue w/me abt this, but then they went off on2 1 of their usual tangents abt how lonely & stressed out successful singers & musicians R. Whatevs.
Howard, I M happy 2 hear U had a gr8 d8 w/Dr. Morsel. & Becks, it soundz like yr gig was going well until my 'rents forqued it up. St00pid 'rents. & soundz like Jeremy & Alex still made the most of the sitch.
Gerald, like, thinx he's, like, an xpert on breast health now, BTW. He's been lecturing me on the proper "care and feeding" of them, LOL!
Apes out
Well, Iris called Mom yesterday afternoon. Gramps was bein' a big old grump abt being all cooped up so Ma went ovr there so they cd get out. Ma sed she'd take them 2 dinner & then drive around & lk @ Xmas lites, & Gramps was all "C?" 2 Iris, like he predicted that this was what Ma wanted 2 do. So Ma was all suggesting other ideas, thinking Gramps was tired of the boring, predictable, blahblahblah, but it turned out he wanted 2 do it. He was just, like, gloating abt his s00per-d00per predictor skillz. & bein' a grumpy old man, all "::Tsk:: Just when U start looking 4ward 2 sumthing...they try & change the routine!" & Iris all shrugging @ Mom. So, like, they had the "early bird special" @ the Mayes's icky restaurant & went thru the neighbourhoods that have the flashiest lites on display. Ma wanted 2 get this all outta the way so's she & Dad cd B on time 4 Dr. Ted's party that I wasn't invited 2.
I guess it's just as well I wasn't invited, cuz @ least I didn't need 2 worry abt getting soot outta my clothes & offa my skin, like every1 who was there. Cuz of my mom an' dad knocking ovr that Xmas tree & causing a fire. Gd going, Mom & Dad. Howard, U R rite, they totally didn't wanna talk abt it. They were all, "None of yr beeswax, April Martian Patterson, teenangster extraordinaire!" & I'm like, "Beeswax" is totally retro. Becky taut me that. & they're like, "It's REBECCAH now." & I'm all, "That's her stage name. Offstage, she's still Becky." & they tried 2 argue w/me abt this, but then they went off on2 1 of their usual tangents abt how lonely & stressed out successful singers & musicians R. Whatevs.
Howard, I M happy 2 hear U had a gr8 d8 w/Dr. Morsel. & Becks, it soundz like yr gig was going well until my 'rents forqued it up. St00pid 'rents. & soundz like Jeremy & Alex still made the most of the sitch.
Gerald, like, thinx he's, like, an xpert on breast health now, BTW. He's been lecturing me on the proper "care and feeding" of them, LOL!
Apes out
posted by April Patterson @ 10:06 AM
20 Comments:
At 11:38 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh man. Im so glad Apes let me in. My 'rents yelled til 4 am an' then my mom slept on the couch in the living room an' my dad slept on the couch in the rec room.
My jacket was covered w/ slush an' salt aft I was lying on the floor of the car so I washed an' dried it @ the Pattersons. Now its all lumpy an' weird looking. I 4got 2 check the tag 1st it says dry clean only. An' I 4got that my cube new Razr fone was in the pocket an' I washed an' dried it 2. I guess mayB I am the stoopidest male on earth like my mom thinks.
L8r. Need a dbl dbl fr Horny Ts.
At 12:56 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, man, dunc had the idea 2 have a lil contest 2 c which 1 of us cd put away the most dbl dbl's. dunc won!
apes
At 1:48 PM,
duncan anderson said…
It wasnt rilly a fair contest, Apes, Ive had so much practice l8ly chugging dbl dbls 2 pull those allniters when I was doing my book report. My D- book report.
At 3:38 PM,
April Patterson said…
he's a morsel who can cook delicious morsels. how cube! :)
dunc's been trying 2 call the travel # on his new razr fone but keeps 4getting that he washed it by mistake.
apes
At 5:42 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, alex, have u 4gotten howard already? u totally met him @ that party that becky thru 4 him a while back! we got u picked up in the limo & u got the limo driver 2 get coffee w/u? this was around the time u'd just started posting here?
anyway, that was howard on his d8 w/dr. everett "morsel" callahan, my dad's associate @ the dental clinic.
sorry 2 hear yr dress got messed up. jeremy's mom is really in2 teaching u the canadian way of sayin' stuff, eh?
apes
At 6:21 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Beckers, I found a fone booth an' called yr cousin. She's closed til 2morrow. Ill have lots of time 2morrow 'cos I dont hafta go 2 skool.
I got 2 go home soon. Oh man oh man oh man I wish Luggie had arrested me again an' was taking me home in his cop car. I think Id B in less trbl w/ my 'rents if Id dun sumthing perv.
L8r, I hope.
At 7:43 PM,
April Patterson said…
u know, i remember draggin' u around introducin' u 2 peeps @ that party. an' i'm sure i didn't skip ovr the guest of honour, howard. but it musta been really overwhelming 4 u that nite cuz u didn't know ne1 yet. & it was like when u walk in2 a room fulla peeps who know ea other & sum1 tells the whole room who u r, then turns 2 u & is all, "& this is everybody."
so, yeah, that was howard. his hair isn't alwayz red, tho. sumtymz it's kinda colourless sumhow.
apes
At 8:08 PM,
howard said…
April,
Your hair comment confuses me. Are you talking about when I wear wigs?
Just to let you know, I had a great time with Everett last night. You know he uses dentistry terms even when he is being intimate. I will never think of the phrase “root canal” in the same way again. After spending the evening over at his house, we came to my apartment for brunch. Despite his very nice kitchen, Everett is not very good at shopping for food. Becky came over and Everett made the two of us brunch. It was kind of nice being cooked for by a date for a change.
As we were cleaning up the dishes, there was a knock on my door and who did it happen to be but Jean-Jacques Foutre, whom you may remember is Becky’s godfather, in the traditional sense. I invited him in and he took me aside and said, “Howard. Ze Bandidos are een desperate need.” I said, “What can I do to help?” Jean-Jacques said, “We have ze barbershop quartet competition tonight and our first tenor has become sick. We need a replacement. Can you stand in?” I said I would be glad to do so. I thanked Everett for the date and Jean-Jacques glared at him for some reason, until he saw Becky and he brightened up considerably. He said, “We have ze barbershop quartet competition een ze Bandidos tonight. I hope you and your boyfriend weel be able to make eet.” Becky said, “Boyfriend. I don’t have a boyfriend.” Then Jean-Jacques said, “Who eez zis zen?” I said, “Oh, pardon my rudeness. Jean-Jacques Foutre, this is Dr. Everett Callahan. Everett. Jean-Jacques.” Then Jean-Jacques started glaring at Everett again. I said to him, “Is there a problem?” Jean-Jacques said, “Non probleme.” We started to leave, when there was another knock on the door. It was Becky’s dad, Thorvald. He saw Jean-Jacques there and said, “You didn’t.” Jean-Jacques said, “Oh, but I deed.” I said, “What are you talking about?” Thorvald said, “There’s a barbershop quartet competition in the Bandidos tonight and I was going to ask you to sing the 1st tenor to replace our star tenor, Bruiser. But it looks Jean-Jacques beat me to it.” I said, “I’m sorry Thorvald. But Jean-Jacques did ask me first.” So, I left with Jean-Jacques and gave Everett a nice goodbye kiss. I hope he asks me out again.
Anyway, I spent the afternoon rehearsing with Jean-Jacques’ barbershop quartet. It was music with which I was familiar from my prison days, and not too difficult. After we were done we went to the halfway house for the competition. Jean-Jacques was very excited. He said, “Thorvald’s quartet weel not ween thees time. There ees no way he found a replacement tenor as good as you, Howard.” Much to my surprise however, Thorvald, and Orque were there with a tenor, who looked strangely familiar to me. It was a very short man, with freckles, a blonde bushy moustache, and oiled hair pulled into a pony tail. I went to the man and said, “Becky?” She said, “Shut it Howie, or they’ll hear you. This is a men’s only competition, and it would kill my dad to lose to Jean-Jacques.” I said to Becky, “Well then, bring it on, tenor.” She said, “We are going to kick your ass, Howie.”
The competition began. Most of the groups were not very good. My group (Jean-Jacques’) sang Let Me Call You Sweetheart, Heart of My Heart and Shine on Me. Then Becky and Thorvald’s group sang Sweet and Lonely, Hello My Baby, and Sweet Adeline. They were actually pretty good, but I wasn’t sure if they could beat my group. The judges were the staff running the halfway house, and they gave the first place trophy to Becky’s group and we got second place. Jean-Jacques was ticked off to lose to Thorvald again.
Then during the actual awarding, Becky had a… um…wardrobe malfunction. I guess that’s the best way to phrase it. Jean-Jacques was overjoyed, because Becky’s evident femininity meant that Thorvald’s group was disqualified and we got first place. Becky was a little embarrassed, but I told her that she did beat us fair and square. I think Becky was too busy giving her father a lecture on proper costuming, to hear me though.
Jean-Jacques said to me, we should go and celebrate. And so we did. During the course of the celebration, Jean-Jacques told me a grave secret. He said, “My mother always wanted me to marry ze someone who could make food francais par excellence. Of course, she meant la femme. When you made me zose soufflés to nurse me back to health aftair I was schnitzeled, I knew you wair ze one for me. Are you and thees Everett a couple?” I said, “Well that was our first date. So, no.” Jean-Jacques said, “Zen, may I woo you?” I said, “Go right ahead.” And I got a hard, but not unpleasant kiss.
It has been an interesting day.
Howard
At 8:28 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, sorry abt confusing u w/my hair comment. remember when u had yr hair really, really short, like s00per buzzed, so u cd c yr scalp more than u cd c actual hairs? when yr hair was like that, it seemed more like skin colour than having a colour of its own. that's what i was thinkin' abt.
congrats on the barbershop quartet & like, sorry 2 becks. did ne of yr dad's friends hit on u when u were in boy-drag?
apes
At 8:28 PM,
Anne said…
Hiya, everyone! Man, it seemz like it's been ages since I've posted here. It's good 2 c u back again, Dunc! Bummer 'bout the tickets, but ur parents should forgive & forget. U could go online an' book travel through Orbitz or something, but u need a credit card 4 that. Hmm....u could @ least look up airfare and the travel agent Becky mentioned could get u & ur rents a good package deal.
So mostly every night me & Gordie were playing games on Xbox Live. Then we'd IM each other. We wanted 2 go to a concert, but there aren't NE good all ages shows right now, & having a midnite curfew sux! We did go 2 Horny Tims last nite, a sort of non-date date, if u know what I mean. It was really fun, we talked about half-life levels n Quake 2 & debated who was the better singer 4 Anthrax. He likes Belladonna, I think John Bush kicks arse. Who cares if we disagree about that, I thought, since I was sooo mesmerized staring his hazel eyes....
So we could totally tell we both were n2 each other, & as he walked me home, we stopped by the park near my house. He moved toward me 2 kiss me, & I was so psyched! Except it was kinda dark, so he missed my mouth by a full three inches @ scraped my cheek w/his braces. :-S He kept apologizing, I kept saying it was OK, but I could tell he felt stoopid. Luckily my mom was passed out n front of the TV w/a glass of bourbon & water, so she didn't ask about the blood.
So I looked 4 him online all of 2day, & he finally showed up, only 2 tell me he doesn't want 2 b seen w/me bcause people'll think he hit me or something. I told him I knew it was a total accident, & that I didn't need stitches & that I could take off the bandage after a few days (I checked this on Web MD, yo). I dunno...I guess I'm destined 2 b single.
Alex, would u be up 4 more Halo 2? U totally kicked my arse the last time we played, so u could teach me some pointers.
Times like this I wish I was old enough 2 drink legally!
Vicks
At 9:05 PM,
April Patterson said…
aw, man, vicks! i can't believe gordie. he scrapes u up & then he won't b c'n w/u cuz u're scraped up? so not cube! :(
apes
At 9:26 PM,
Anne said…
Tis true, Apes. Gordie's dad is doing time n a northern Ontario prison 4 assaulting his mom w/a Wite-Out pen (& 4 being naked n front of his n-laws--he's serving a separate sentence 4 that), & he's worried that his behaviour might b hereditary. Never mind that this was an accident....sigh
Oh man....Gordie just IM'd me. He sayz he's up 4 a movie date next Friday, since my scrape should b mostly away by then. NEone wanna go w/us? I know it's the day b4 Christmas Eve, so everyone's probably got a lot of family stuff 2 do, but I'd feel better w/any of u along w/us. :-)
Vicks
At 9:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
vicki, alexandra mite b innerested n goin’ w/u, but it may b w/o me. i thot last nite went gr8, but i wuz totally wrong. i went ovah 2c alexandra 2day & her father wuz @the door & n my face ‘bout how bad i treated alexandra last nite. i asked if i cud talk 2 alexandra 2 apologize & he wuz sayin’ alexandra didn’t wanna c me. so, i’ve been pretty depressed all day. i dunno where i messed up. i talked 2 my future sis ‘bout it & she sed alexandra mite have needed more comfort cuz of the fire. she sed sumtymez girlz act like every thing iz cube, wen they rilly wanna b protected by their bf. i sed 2 her, “ru sure ‘bout that? cuz, u know rebeccah wuz nevah like that.” she sed the only way 2 know wuz 2 talk 2 alexandra, which i can’t do cuz of her dad. neway, sorry 2 burden u, w/my stuff. only 2 say, alexandra mite wanna go w/u w/o me.
alexandra, if ur readin' this, i'm sorry 4 not protectin' u bettah.
At 9:54 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, alex, i had no idea that u had such a bad time @ that party last month. u were new & i shda done a better job making u feel comfortable. i remember taking u around & meeting every1, but u kept lkin' over yr shoulder & goin' "coffee?"
sorry abt that. :(
apes
At 11:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra, i luvved it wen u were w/me @the soundboard. but ur rite, i cannot give u attention u deserve & do the soundboard job @the same tyme. we did get 2 do a little dancin' wen rebeccah tuk breaks, but thass not rilly a very long tyme. i dunno wut 2 do 'bout that. mebbe go 2 partiez where i don't hafta work.
but i wud rilly like u w/me @the partiez where rebeccah iz playin'. she haz sum rilly cube partiez comin' up that i think u wud find interestin' cuz of the celebritiez & other weird peeps that will b there. i dunno wut 2 do 'bout the jealousy tho. i gotta do my job rite or i will get fired, u know.
so, if u don't wanna go 2 nemore rebeccah partiez, thass cube. i will definitely miss u & wish u were there. sorry, i wuzn't a bettah bf 2u n the fire last nite.
At 12:17 AM,
duncan anderson said…
OMG. OMG. OMG.
It was real quiet when I got home which is nevah good. I didnt c my mom @ all. My dad gave her her own 'puter 4 Xmas an' I think she was IMing her peeps in Rochester. So NEway, I nuked sum leftovahs fr the fridge an' was eating them when my dad came out. With a ledger. I almost spewed as soon as I saw it. MCDunC's nevah had NEthing good fr a ledger.
So my dads got this ledger w/ these entries:
ORIGINAL AIR FARE: $2,400.00
REPLACEMENT AIR FARE: $6,386.37
BALANCE: <$3,986.37>
AMOUNT OWING FROM D. ANDERSON TO N. & M. ANDERSON: $3,986.37
TERMS OF PAYMENT: 50% OF ALLOWANCE, 100% OF GIGS AND WINDFALLS, UNTIL PAID IN FULL
INTEREST RATE: 0%
FIRST PAYMENT DATE: DECEMBER 19, 2005
Im so boned. Again. Only this time Im boned 4 Bing stoopid. Id rather B boned 4 Bing a perv. Ill nevah have NE street cred.
Im going 2 bed. Ive got purple lips on repeat.
p.s. Beckers, Ill call yr cousin 2morrow. Im desperate.
p.p.s. Beckers, I miss u.
p.p.p.s. Jer, if u tell Alex NEmore crap abt chips Ill have 2 think abt beating u up again.
At 12:29 AM,
duncan anderson said…
OMG. It got worse.
I was in bed listening 2 purple lips an' my mom comes in2 the room. She goes, u r going 2 skool 2morrow. I go, I cant all my uniforms r @ the dry cleaners an' I recked my jacket washing it. An' she goes, yes u can, I called Mrs. Forsythe an' Ive borrowed 1 of Gerald's uniforms 4 u, its in the hall closet. So I run out 2 look @ Ger's uniform an' she runs out aft me, yelling u washed yr jacket u idiot boy? An' I go, yeah, an' my Razr fone 2. I dont think I shld of said NEthing abt the Razr fone. NEway, my moms off 2 get my dad 2 add the jacket 2 the ledger. She didnt say NEthing abt the Razr fone so I dont think Im getting a new 1.
So now I hafta go 2 skool 2morrow in Ger's uniform an' one of my dads coats. No offence, Ger, but u shld of sent yr uniform 2 the cleaners like a month ago.
MCDunce out.
At 12:31 AM,
Anonymous said…
hey! mcdunce. i didn't tell alexandra nething 'bout chips. i think my mom & alexandra had a conversation 'bout them last nite, but i wuz 2 bizzy w/my audioboard 2 pay much attention. ur gonna hafta remind wen it wuz that u beat me up, cuz i don't recollect such a thing evah happening, xxcept mebbe n ur imagination.
At 1:12 AM,
howard said…
April,
After my time with Jean-Jacques, I read your Blog entry and realized that I had not visited your Grandpa Jim in quite some time, and I was a little concerned, since the last time I saw him was when I was a dog and he seemed a little demented.
I went over the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace and did not even have to go to his apartment to see him, because he was set up on the ground floor in the lobby. Your grandpa Jim was wearing a turban and had a sign in front of him that said, “Prognostications $5.” I walked up to him and said, “Jim, so you are predicting the future now?” Jim said to a passerby, “I knew he would say that.” I said, “What are you talking about?” Jim said, “I knew that you would say, ‘Jim, so you are predicting the future now?’” I said, “OK. I get it. Well here’s $5. Predict the future.” Jim said, “I knew you were going to say, ‘OK. I get it. Well here’s $5. Predict the future.’” I said, “Do you predict the future or just repeat what people say to you?” Jim said, “I knew you were going to say that.” I said, “OK. OK. You knew I was going to say it. I believe you. In fact, I believe you knew that I was going to say what I am saying right now. Why don’t you predict something I don’t know?” Jim said, “Tsk. Just when you start looking forward to something…they try and change the routine!”
Anyway, Jim seemed in good spirits, although a little more annoying than usual.
Howard
At 1:56 AM,
howard said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello). I have not written you in much time. Since Elizabeth and I learned Jesse Mukwa passed our messages from here around Mtigwaki, we have used more private ways to talk. Elizabeth says she tells people in Mtigwaki we are just friends. She does not think they believe her.
I hoped to meet you when Elizabeth went home for her holiday break from school. My work is very busy during that time. I could not get the time off. But I am still trying. Elizabeth will get to meet my parents before she goes to your home. That is a big step for us. I know she will impress them.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
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