Opposites?
My, oh my! I got a txt fr. Liz. Here's what it sed:
Ger's been v. sweet abt sharing his "wooing tips" w/Paul. But I'd take the whole "tell her how 2 act" thing w/a grain o' salt, Paul. That's been a lil sticking pt that Ger & I R working on. But last nite, @ Lola's Dessert House? We were soooooo 2gether, sorta like @ gr*d. & I can't believe how cube my mom has been since her v. special Howard shampooing @ Sugar's salon. I'm just sorta holding my breath 2 C how long it lasts. Dunc, I'm so glad my 'rents helped U out. Hope U get lotsa $ 4 that XBox U R selling.
Becks! Gd thing Howard swooped in when he did 2 undo yr mom's big religious conversion. Soundz like that was getting scaree.
Alex, I saw Jeremy lookin' 4 U in the halls. He was carrying a giant, steaming mug of coffee. It smelled like a fresh brew! Eva, is that a new hairclip I saw U wearing? It's v. v. cute!
Ger, C U in the usual place @ the usual time?
Apes
So, like, how opposite can Liz an' Paul B w/their fams, eh? 2 us, Lizzie's been all, "There's not much 2 tell. Wait and see." To his fam, Paul's been all, "There's a girl in my life!" He's got his heart, like totally on his sleeve. Lizzie, pls don't smash that sweet ol' heart.Apes. Car ride w/Paul 2 White River.
Me: Thanx for coming all this way, Paul.
Paul: Hey, for you I'd go anywhere! When we get to White River, you'll have to wait at least 2 hours for the bus--so, I'd like you to meet my family! They know all about you, Elizabeth! Ever since you set up the telescope and we watched the stars--I've been saying, "There's a girl in my life!" The planets may go 'round the sun--but my world revolves around you!
Me: ::eyes bulging:: (thinking, hummina, hummina, hummina)
Ger's been v. sweet abt sharing his "wooing tips" w/Paul. But I'd take the whole "tell her how 2 act" thing w/a grain o' salt, Paul. That's been a lil sticking pt that Ger & I R working on. But last nite, @ Lola's Dessert House? We were soooooo 2gether, sorta like @ gr*d. & I can't believe how cube my mom has been since her v. special Howard shampooing @ Sugar's salon. I'm just sorta holding my breath 2 C how long it lasts. Dunc, I'm so glad my 'rents helped U out. Hope U get lotsa $ 4 that XBox U R selling.
Becks! Gd thing Howard swooped in when he did 2 undo yr mom's big religious conversion. Soundz like that was getting scaree.
Alex, I saw Jeremy lookin' 4 U in the halls. He was carrying a giant, steaming mug of coffee. It smelled like a fresh brew! Eva, is that a new hairclip I saw U wearing? It's v. v. cute!
Ger, C U in the usual place @ the usual time?
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 9:42 AM
22 Comments:
At 10:41 AM,
April Patterson said…
becks, i can't blame u abt the giving stuff away. not cube!
i think that xpression "playing cards close 2 the vest" musta been invented b/cuz of liz, iykwim.
apes
At 1:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i think alexandra liked the solar system present, but 2b sure i had the coffee az a backup. wen i wuz shoppin' yestahday w/my family & future family n TO, i saw that model & i thot, this is just perfect for alexandra & i'll bet nobody else got her 1. my future sis wuz sayin' "jewelry. girls luv jewelry, not giant models." but, i am so glad i didn't lissen 2 her this tyme. it tuk a little tyme last nite 2 put it 2gether, but it came out gr8, especially w/the picture of alexandra i put on the sun. i thot 'bout puttin' a picture of u on mars & rebeccah on the moon, but then i thot that wuzn't such a gud idea, cuz then alexandra wud think i wuz thinkin' of othah girlz, u know.
At 2:24 PM,
April Patterson said…
d00dz, guess what? mr. hi perspastick just came up 2 me w/a big surprise. invitations fr. dr. duncan 4 the big party where becks has a gig, 4 me & bobby sparkindale, so we can cover it 4 yrbook. cuz, remember, 1 of my jobs 4 yrbook is supposta b documenting becky's big rise 2 stardom, eh?
mr. hi perspastick was all, "i know this is short notice, but i cleared this w/yr parents. april, yr mother was especially encouraging. she told me she is so proud of u 4 yr xtracurricular activities. & that she's happy u can benefit fr. becky mcguire's good example of ambition and professionalism."
there was a note fr. dr. duncan 4 me. "as a member of the 'healthy teeth initiative', i am honoured 2 have miss patterson, the daughter of one of our most valued memberz, attending the soirée."
btw, bobby & i r ea allowed 2 bring 1 guest. ger, wanna go?
apes
At 3:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i’m kinda happy, kinda sad now. alexandra came up 2 me & sed that she found a way 2 go 2 the party where i am workin’ 2nite. i sed, “thass gr8. the last tyme i met the duncan’z, their kids were rilly cube. we will have so much fun.” then alexandra sed, “well, bobby sparkindale asked me 2 go w/him, cuz he wuz allowed 2 invite 1 guest 2 go along w/him & april coverin’ becky’s rise 2 stardom 4 the yrbook.” i sed, “that meanz u’ll b there w/bobby sparkindale?” alexandra sed, “well technically yes, but i agreed 2 go cuz i knew u wuld b @the partee & i didn’t wanna spend another nite not getting’ 2c u.” i sed, “but bobby sparkindale will think u like him & stuff. he’ll start sayin’ stuff like, ‘4u i’d go newhere’ or ‘there’z a girl n my life’. & then he will b mad wen he findz out he’z just takin’ u 2 meet me.” alexandra sed, “jeremy. thass not gonna happen. i alreddy tol’ bobby the only reazn i sed ‘yes’ wuz so i cud b w/u. it wud b rilly mean not 2 tell a guy the truth ‘bout stuff like that. aftah i tol’ him, bobby didn’t care. he’z a yrbook dweeb & duzn’t wanna go 2 a party by himself. ‘sides, i don’t wanna b the only girl there not dancin’ cuz ur bizzy workin’ ur audio board.” i sed, “alexandra, xmas tyme iz hard. i wanna do the best 4u i can, evn tho the job kinda complicates our lives. it’s ok, if u go w/bobby, az long az i getta dance w/u during rebeccah’s breaks, ok?” alexandra sed ok. so, i am happy alexandra will b there, but it’s gonna b tuff watchin’ her dance w/sum othah guy. i hope he’z not a very gud dancer.
At 4:00 PM,
April Patterson said…
don't worry, jeremy, cuz bobby hasta take a whole buncha pics 4 yrbook. so it's gonna b a workin' nite 4 him, 2. it's cube that alex found a way 2 go 2 the party. alex, i will re-introduce u 2 jeremy duncan & his friends. & if u want, i will bring a big mug o' thermosfull of coffee!
apes
At 4:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
I hereby accept your kindly invitation for the soiree at Doctor and Mrs. Duncan's home. I wish you had given me more notice, though, because now I will have to pay the rush fee when I rent my tuxedo.
I will pick you up at 7:30. What color is your dress? I need to coordinate your corsage and my boutonniere.
Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 4:27 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, sorry, i posted just as soon as i knew!
i'm wearing the emerald-green dress u told me i look divine in.
c u @ 7:30!
apes
At 4:57 PM,
howard said…
April,
A strange thing happened at the hair salon and I need to talk about it with you. I was in the midst of doing shampoos, when Fiona Brass came into the salon and got into the line for people getting shampoos. When it came time for her turn, I must have been looking nervous, because she said, “Don’t worry, Howard. Belmont III is not with me.” That’s her cat that tried to kill me, in case you have forgotten.
I started to shampoo her hair and she said, “Aren’t you going to give me one of those special shampoos, like you gave Elly Patterson?” I said, “How do you know about that?” Fiona said, “She came into the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant and tried to invite me to Christmas dinner, as if that would make up for ignoring me for 14 years. She was so nice, it was unnatural. Her hair wasn’t in a bun and she was wearing clothes that looked like she had purchased them recently, instead of that old, frumpy stuff she normally wears. It made me curious, and so I asked her where she got her makeover, and she told me it was here.” I said, “Well. I have been having trouble with some of my shampooing techniques lately, and I may have accidentally given Elly Patterson too much of a good shampooing. Although, most people I have talked to like her better this way.” Fiona said, “Of course they do. But, Howard, you do not know what forces you have unleashed.” I said, “Eh? What did you say? Forces unleashed?” Fiona said, “By making Elly Patterson more attractive, you may have unleashed the Patterson allure.” I said, “The what?” Fiona said, “The Patterson allure. Every woman in the Patterson family has it.” I said, “I have no idea what you are talking about.” Fiona said, “Yes, you do. You just don’t realize it. Let me give you an example. Your best friend right now is who?” I said, “Becky McGuire.” Then Fiona said, “And you are promised as a back-up gay to Becky?” I said, “No, I am promised to April Patterson.” Fiona said, “You see. Patterson allure.” I said, “That’s just a coincidence. Becky didn’t ask me to be her back-up gay.” Then Fiona continued. “You know I am John Patterson’s cousin, eh?” I said, “Yes.” Fiona said, “Do you find me attractive? Answer honestly now.” I said, “Actually, I do find you attractive. But physical appearance has never been one of my strong points. I am more of a personality kind of guy.” Fiona said, “You think so. Well, take a look at this picture.” I said, “Wow. This woman is hott. Do you think you could introduce me to her?” Fiona said, “That’s a picture of me when I was 24--a Patterson family woman in her prime. Now, what do you think of the Patterson allure.” I said, “That’s just a good picture. I was just saying that to make you feel better.” Fiona said, “Howard. You are a terrible liar. The Patterson allure is so powerful, even a man who just looks at a picture of her will be attracted. The allure is so powerful; it will cause men to travel great lengths to find her. A man would even divorce his wife to be with a Patterson woman in her prime.” I said, “You’re talking about Elizabeth aren’t you?” Fiona said, “No. I am talking about me. I had to travel far away to keep my independent life as a single woman and I only came back to Milborough, when I knew my appearance had deteriorated enough to protect me against the allure. But since you brought up Elizabeth, have you ever told anyone the real reason you attacked her last summer?” I said, “It was a job for Lawrence to help get Elizabeth together with Anthony Caine, only I thought it was to get Elizabeth back together with her grandfather.” Fiona said, “And did people actually believe that hogwash?” I said, “Well it’s the truth.” Fiona said, “I have a different theory. I think it was the Patterson allure. Being around Elizabeth at work every day was too much for you.” I said, “I think you are putting too much into this Patterson allure.” Fiona said, “Am I? Did I mention that I saw Steve Nichols today? Do you know what I saw him doing?” I said, “What was he doing?” Fiona said, “He bought a bunch of flowers and gave them to Elly Patterson. When you shampooed her hair, Elly Patterson lost all of her frumpy protection. Every man in Milborough is going to be throwing themselves at her feet pretty soon, unless you do something about it.” I said, “What can I do? All I did was to give her a shampoo.” Fiona said, “You’re a smart boy. I’m sure you’ll think of something.”
April, I don’t know what to do? Do you have any ideas?
Howard
At 5:19 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
OK. I will be there as soon as I finish clean up at the salon.
Howard
At 5:26 PM,
April Patterson said…
but, but, but. . . . i like my mom this way!
apes
At 5:46 PM,
April Patterson said…
can't we just sterilize her?
apes
At 6:04 PM,
howard said…
April,
I got to Becky's house and Dr. McCauley and Becky’s mom were still there. I suppose they would not have been happy to see me, but they were too busy having an argument to notice. Apparently Krystle, Becky’s mom, took umbrage to a statement made by Dr. McCauley about seeing your mom wearing a slinky low cut dress to your dad’s office this afternoon, and something about how he much he always admired your mother’s figure and then he made those growly aroused tiger noises. I started to say something to Krystle about the Patterson allure, but Becky stopped me and said, “I like where this argument is going.” So, I am looking through Agnes Dingle books with Becky. She will have to leave for the party herself in a few minutes, so it will be up to me to find the solution, while she is gone.
Howard
At 6:49 PM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra, lukin' 4ward 2u gettin' here. i dunno how this party iz gonna go. jeremy duncan iz here & he iz tryin' 2 talk rebeccah n2 lettin' his band play n a few sets or jam w/her. i hope she sez no, cuz then i wudn't get ne time between sets 2 dance w/u. oh, wen u get here, just 2 let u know, don't stare @jeremy duncan's mom connie'z boobs. it soundz kinda funny writing that, but i swear she cud cut wood w/those thingz.
At 7:15 PM,
April Patterson said…
well, i m all dressed up & ready 4 the party. mom sez she's never c'n me looking more luvly. she totally wants 2 take pix when ger gets here!
apes
At 7:44 PM,
howard said…
April,
Just me at Becky's house now. Magick books are hard to read. I wonder what "Witches' mummy; maw and gulf of the ravin'd salt-sea shark" really is?
Howard
At 7:53 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, alexandra arrived w/bobby sparkindale. wen she came n, i went ovah 2 her & tol’ her she luked gr8, cuz she did. she sed, “jeremy. i am so glad 2cu” & she gave me a big hug. bobby sed, “hey! i’m her d8. i shud get the hug.” aftah an awkward pause, i sed, “i don’t know if u know me, i’m jeremy jones, alexandra’z bf.” alexandra sed, “pardon me 4 not introducin’. jeremy this iz robert, i mean bob, i mean rob.” bobby sed, “bobby. it’s bobby. criminy. what is it w/u & my name?” then rebeccah called me ovah 2 her, cuz she wuz getting’ reddy 2 start her 1st set. she sed, “is that bobby sparkindale w/alex?” i sed yes. becky sed, “thass v.v. interestin’. tyme 2 start the 1st set. keep ur mind on the audio board, ok?” i sed i wud, but it’s gonna b hard.
At 8:24 PM,
April Patterson said…
uch, i just rescued alex fr. the clutches of bobby. i was all, "bobby, becky's gettin' started. u hafta get yrself set & ready 2 get the best poss pix 4 yrbook. or mr. hi perspastick will start letting glen moby do the important photoz!" bobby got all scared lookin' & got busy w/his cam. alex whispered, "thanx", & i sed, "aw, no prob" & handed her the big thermos of coffee i brot 4 her.
ger was like, lk @ u 2 beautiful sirenz! yr dresses match & r both luvly! xcuse me, i have sum jocks i've gotta mingle with. i c jeremy duncan w/sum of his friendz, so alex & i r gonna say hi & i'll do sum proper intros.
apes
At 9:11 PM,
April Patterson said…
after bobby insulted alex, he accidentally xposed his film when he was changing rolls. i was, like, "y didn't u take the digital like mr. hi perspastick sed u shd?" & he was all, "i'm an artiste!" & i sed, "well, u just ruined a rolla film, artiste! so mayB u need 2 focus on yr photography insteada harassing alex."
he started 2 argue, but i took out my phone & sed maybe i oughta call glen moby. he cd bring his digital cam & take ovr. bobby gulped & got back 2 work.
i've been taking notes, but that doesn't take much time, so i've got time to do sum dancing w/my cute bf!
apes
At 10:34 PM,
Anne said…
Bobby's behavior doesn't surprise me. He alwayz walks around R.P. Boire flaunting his iPod Nano because he thinks that makes him sophisticated, & yet he thinks using a digital cam isn't "keeping it real." Whatevs!
So did any of u hear bout this? It could be major news 4 Marjee & Maynard & Howard & that Elliott-Everett Morsel dentist dude. & a dream 4 Gerald. I heard they're packing them n @ the Montreal Maison Derriere...lol. What's next, legalized prescription heroin?
Here's hoping u get outta that date from hell unscathed, Alex!
Vicks
At 11:56 PM,
howard said…
April,
I hope you are having a good time at the party. No luck with the magic books so far, but I did find a nice recipe for Fillet of a Fenny Snake.
Howard
At 2:54 AM,
Anonymous said…
howard, i think u can stop lukin’ n the spell buks.
part of this iz wut alexandra told me & part iz wut i saw. this may take awhile typin’ cuz my hand iz still sore frum hittin’ bobby sparkindale. i’m tryin’ 2b cube ‘bout that kinda stuff, but sumtymez u gotta let the othah guy know wen he’z crossed the line. i wuz worried rebeccah wud get ticked off ‘bout that, but she told me that if i didn’t punch him, she wud’ve. so i guess it wuz bettah that i did, cuz i don’t wanna ruin rebeccah’s reputation, eh?
durin’ rebeccah’s 2nd set april’z mom & dad showed up. april went ovah 2 them & sed, “wut tuk u so long? gerald got me here hourz ago. you missed the talk dr. duncan gave ‘bout the 'healthy teeth initiative'” elly luked a little embarrassed & sed sumthin’ ‘bout takin’ advantage of not havin’ a teenager n the house. april sed, “mom. i don’t needta hear that.”
neway, then elly patterson tuk off her coat & she wuz wearin’ this drop-dead gorgeous ball gown & i swear every head n the room turned 2 luk @her. i wuz havin’ a hard tyme concentratin’ & rebeccah evn dropped a lyric n the song she wuz singin’, not that ne1 noticed xxcept 4 me. alexandra sed 2 me, “wow!” & i wuz sayin’ the same thing. that patterson allure iz sumthin’ else.
dr. duncan & dr. mccauley & pretty much every adult guy n the rum wuz walkin’ ovah 2 say hello 2 her, includin’ the 1s that didn’t walk so well. then april’s mom & dad startin’ dancin’ & it wuz…i dunno…whatevah u call it wen every1 n the rum iz lukin’ @sumthin’. it tuk everythin’ i had 2 not luk @her &concentr8 on the audio board. then alexandra heard gerald whisper 2 april, “my little april flower. how wud u feel ‘bout a double-date w/u, me & ur mom?” april sed, “& my dad 2?” gerald sed, “whatevah. i guess he cud come 2.” april sed 2 alexandra, “i gotta put a stop 2 this. i love my mom b-ing so nice 2 me, but this iz 2 much. in ‘bout 10 minutes, do whatevah u can 2 get my mom ovah 2 that side room ovah there.” alexandra sed ok. then april sed 2 gerald, “gerald, darling, sweetness. there iz a matter i wud like 2 discuss w/u n private n that side room ovah there.” so gerald & april went 2 the side room. then alexandra went ovah to april’z mom, which she told me wuz kinda hard, cuz kinda dancin’ along w/her & april’s dad wuz mosta of the guyz n the room. so she hadta go 2 bobby sparkindale & say, “bobby. i wud luv 2 dance w/u. my bf iz not payin’ enuff attention 2 me.” bobby sed, “ok. u finally decided 2 get w/a real man, eh?” alexandra sed, “wutevah. let’s dance.” so then alexandra danced bobby ovah 2 where april’s mom & dad & all the otha men were dancin’ & then she sed, “sorry bobby. i think i’m goin’ back 2 jeremy aftah all.” & she shoved bobby hard rite n2 the othah men, knockin’ them off balance. w/them distracted she sed, “mrs. patterson. there’z sumthin’ u hafta c in that side room ovah there. it’s an emergency.” so, april’s mom ran ovah w/alexandra 2 the side room & they both went n there. alexandra wudn’t tell me wut they found, cuz she sez april swore her 2 secrecy. wen april’z mom came outa the room she wuz draggin’ both april & gerald w/her & her nose wuz enormous. “april marion patterson. i nevah thot n a million yearz, u wud do sumthing like that, much less @a partee w/ur father’s colleagues n the next room. it must b the bad influence of team sports,” which she sed luking rite @gerald.
well, the pattersons left rite aftah that & rebeccah cud not get alexandra 2 spill wut she saw & she iz usually rilly gud @gettin’ peeps 2 talk. rebeccah finally gave up & sed, “i’ll get april 2 talk. she tellz me everythin.”
bobby sparkindale wuz rilly mad @alexandra & told her 2 find her own way home, which wuz ok, cuz i wuz rilly proud of how she handled herself & i wanted 2 tell her that n my own special way. b-sides, it wuz no problem 4 my mom 2 drive us back aftah i loaded up the truck w/rebeccah’s equipment.
At 3:14 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
You were probably wondering what happened after I told your sister my poem, that I talked about yesterday. After I told your sister my poem, she started blushing. I was worried that I had said something stupid, but she said I didn’t. Even so, I told your sister something I think you should know too. I…am…crazy about your sister. It feels good to write that so everyone can see it. Oh, I inserted ellipses. I will try again. I am crazy about your sister. That’s much better.
I must tell you that when I am nervous I stutter. It’s just one of those things I do. It did not seem to bother Elizabeth very much. She suggested that we pull over on the side of the road to discuss it. That was a good idea, because the road conditions were such that the car kept hovering off the road. We had a good discussion and Elizabeth suggested a brief hike, but we couldn’t do that and be on time to meet my parents in White River.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
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