April's Real Blog

Monday, January 02, 2006

Other words 4 drunk. . . .

Yeah, U know Lizzie's nursing a hangover when she doesn't yell @ me 4 calling her Lizardbreath after she sleeps to the crack of noon. & I show off that I know a list of names 4 being drunk: "borked, bombed, blasted, polluted, potted, wasted, lit, smashed, wrecked, totalled, soaked, loaded, hammered, fried..." Man, I must B spending way 2 much time in this house, cuz I cracked myself up & laughed with my tongue sticking out. With my tongue sticking out. Kill me. & Sorry, Liz. Whose thot bubble was all "She knows all of the Patter... & none of the pain." I guess U 4got abt that time I got sh*tfaced @ Becky's house after that sick "lawyer" dinner @ Ger's house. That's OK, it's hard 2 think of all these things when U're so hung over.

Man, I am so sorry 4 all of U who went 2 those lame workshops my mom gave @ the mall yesterday. Towel folding; Kenny Rogers saving yr luv life. It's often a v. v. bad thing 2 let my 'rents leave the house, esp. my mom.

Ger, also sorry U had 2 C that bit o' slash. There's a ton of stuff like that on the lappy Liz is "borrowing" from him. Believe me, we R backing up like crazy NEthing we mite find of use. 2, U know, keep Mike fr. writing abt our personal lives w/out our permission. Speaking of which, Becks, Liz found an outline called "Rebeccah: The 'H' stands for HAND". And it's, like, notes fr. talking 2 Jeffo. We will make sure that it's well erased.

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 7:12 AM  

33 Comments:

  • At 7:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Gerald, reading that femslash was worse than being hung over. I have to vomit now! Don't you worry, I'll get back at Michael.

    I'm lucky he's so illiterate most people can't be bothered to fight through and figure out what he's trying to write!

    Liz

     

  • At 10:11 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, check yr e-mail. i sent u a copy of mike's outline 4 "rebeccah: the 'h' stands for HAND". u can decide whether u want 2 share it or just destroy it!

    dee, we found mike's download file for alt.binaries.erotica.fuzzy.bathrobes. my, oh my!

    after we've finished going thru all of mike's files we're gonna use an undelete utility dunc gave me 2 have a look @ the stuff mike thinks he's erased. mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

    apes

     

  • At 10:58 AM, Blogger Anne said…

    Wow Apes, how did your bro get passed 2 the next grade n school when his basic reading & writing skillz r that bad? N fact, I'm starting 2 wonder how he crosses the street w/out getting hit by a bus. Poor Dee, it's like she has 2 be the breadwinner & raise 3 kids by herself!

    I got a 1 G USB flash drive 4 X-mas if u need 2 transfer NE more of Michael's "writing" & want xtra copies b4 he tries 2 destroy NE evidence. Bwahahaha!

    NEway, u don't have 2 get edgier pieces 4 your wardrobe, but NEtime u wanna go 2 Hot Topic w/me, that'd be cube. :-) They have some great sales.

    Vicks

     

  • At 11:24 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    vicks, it wdn't hurt 2 backup our backups. thanx 4 the offer!

    mayB 2morrow we can hit the topic. u know i luv 2 shop!

    apes

     

  • At 11:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    Your writing about your sister’s hangover was interesting to me. I have really only seen her hungover once before. We had been in Spruce Narrows dancing and drinking on one of my visits. Your sister is slender, and so it does not take many biitewaaboo (beers) for her to hit her limit. I took her home and the next morning she also did not want to get up until noon. So, like you, I was teasing her a little. I said, “Elizabeth. You were Giiwashkwebii (drunk), Minobii (happily drunk), Onzaamibii (drank too much), and Mookobii (drunkenly singing) last night.” Then she rolled over and said, “You know all of the Patterson and now know the Pain-erson” as she hurled an alarm clock toward my head. It missed, but I think the shocked expression on my face as I said, “Mrs. Patterson. When did you arrive?” surprised her. She immediately ran to her bathroom and I heard sounds that went like this, “Dab Dab Dob Dab Doob Dab Dab Dab Dab Dob Dab.” When she came out of the bathroom she looked much more like Elizabeth again. Ever since then, I think your sister has avoided doing any heavy drinking with me.

    Please give my love to your sister, and let her know that I miss her, and I hope she feels better.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 12:43 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Maybe you could do something with Becky today. She is with me, while I am working at the hair salon and she is starting to drive me crazy with nagging me to give her a shampoo (you know the really good ones). I told her that Sugar has strictly forbidden those for underage girls unless their parents sign a permission, and it kind of creeps me out when they do. Parents today. One girl said to her mother, “You let me have plastic surgery, why shouldn’t have one of the shamp-Oh’s?” I should mention that Sugar has retitled it “Shamp-0h” on the sign above the shampooing area.

    I have to keep reminding myself there’s nothing illegal about getting a really good shampoo. I would just rather not hear my bud Becky making those kinds of noises, if you know what I mean. Becky keeps reminding me that I am technically her legal guardian until her mom and Dr. Ted get back from their vacation, so I could sign for her. I think Marjee is enjoying my more straight-laced nature when it comes to Becky. She said to me, “Come on Howard. You gave a shampoo to everyone else here. Give Becky the cheese, the climax, the come, the spend; give her a thrill, made her chimney smoke, ring her bell, make her orkut, die, let her cut loose, let her have a drum solo, feel the earth move, get her wet, get her off, get her high, have le petit mort, max her out, melt her, give her multiples, make her show you the o face…” Marjee knows all of the patter…and none of the shame.

    So, if you could do something with Becky today, before I cave into the pressure, I would appreciate it.

    Thanks,
    Howard K.

     

  • At 1:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, alexandra & i r havin’ a rilly gud tyme 2day. she sed that since she iz gonna b gone 2 visit relativez, she wunts 2 give me a day 2 remembah her by. she sed, “jeremy we r gonna have an affair, an amusement, a ball, a bash, a blowout, a carousal, a celebration, a coffee klatch, a diversion, a do, an entertainment, a festivity, a fete, some fun, a gr8 get-together, a hullabaloo, a riot, a shindig, a splurge, a spree, & go on a tear.” she knows all that mattahs…& haz made it quite plain. so far it haz been coffee & ice-sk8ing @ the outdoor rink—mugs n 1 hand, & we hold hands w/the othah. alexandra sez it iz v.v. romantic 2 skate w/ur bf & drink coffee @the same tyme. i wud definitely agree, xxcept i wud substitute gf 4 bf of course.

     

  • At 1:11 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    I'm @ Wal-Mart now, looking 4 ways 2 spend the gift cert my dad gave me. He thinx the Mart is so "declasse" but admits that u can't beat the prices, u know? U still have 2 put up w/what Marjee calls the "C.H.U.D. people," though, & lemme tell you, they're FAT. Porky, pudgy, portly, weighty, zaftig, hefty, chunky, obese, corpulent, fleshy, stout, rotund, u name it! They're all looking 4 plus size stretch pants, natch.

    Vicks

     

  • At 2:12 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, sorry, i only just saw yr message now. mom called me & liz in2 the store cuz there's, like, this sudden rush on every thesaurus we've got. we had 2 get, like, an emergency shipment & liz & i, like cdn't keep 'em on the shelves. i don't know y, all of a sudden, they r so popular, well-liked, admire, trendy, in style, all the rage, fashionable.

    neway, i'm on my way over 2 the salon 2 c becks.

    apes

     

  • At 2:20 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dee, liz covered my eyez when she had that directory open. she sed i was 2 yung 2 c what's in there.

    don't worry abt our picking "sides". we're totally cheering u on!

    neway, when i got 2 the salon, becks sed she was totally pulling howard's leg, yanking his chain, having him on, joshing with him, playin' with him, kidding around, making a joke, funning, horsing around, causing the sticky-out tongue laughter.

    becks & i r on our way 2 the mall now.

    apes

     

  • At 2:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, alexandra & i r havin’ a blast. i started 2 rite sum more synonyms 4 blast, but alexandra sed her stomach & synonyms r no longer compatible. n fact she sed she needed a few kisses 2 help her stomach feel bettah ‘bout ne synonyms that may have been written b4. u know i am alwayz willin’ 2 help alexandra wen it comez 2 issuez of health.

     

  • At 2:36 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I hope you and Becky have fun at the mall. I am glad to hear that Becky was just taking advantage of my naïveté, innocence, credulity, guilelessness, gullibility, inexperience, ingenuousness, naturalness, openness, and simplicity; when she said she wanted the shamp-Oh. After you and Becky left, Marjee Mahaha said to me, “Howard, you chicken. You should have started to give Becky the shamp-Oh, to see if she would go through with it. That’s would have turned the tables, turned the scales, turned her head, turned tail on her.” I am not so sure it would have, but fortunately I will never know.

    Thanks,
    Howard K.

     

  • At 2:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I love, adore, cherish, embrace, prize, worship, idolize, esteem, respect, admire, am mad about, am passionate about, am stuck on, am crazy about, revere, adulate, venerate my new thesaurus!

    Marjee

     

  • At 3:20 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 the tip, trick, advice, hint, pointer, idea, clue, suggestion on dl-ing a thesaurus on2 my cell. that's so cube!

    weird thing becks & i discovered in the t-shirt store @ the mall. there r all these ppl reqesting custom "synonym" t-shirts. Like, there's a word on the top, in bold, then a list of synonyms under it. apparently, it's like the hottest trend, fad, fashion, passing fancy, craze, vogue, thing, look, in-thing in clothing, apparel, rags, threads, garments, outfits, clothes, wear, attire.

    odd, eh?

    apes

     

  • At 3:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, aftah ur post, alexandra sed we hadta go check out that t-shirt store. alexandra haz tried several of them on. u know wen she haz on a nice, tite, new t-shirt, alexandra’z figure iz admirable, alluring, angelic, appealing, beauteous, bewitching, charming, classy, comely, cute, dazzling, delicate, delightful, divine, elegant, enticing, excellent, exquisite, fair, fascinating, fine, foxy, good-looking, gorgeous, graceful, grand, handsome, ideal, lovely, magnificent, marvelous, nice, pleasing, pretty, pulchritudinous, radiant, ravishing, refined, resplendent, shapely, sightly, splendid, statuesque, stunning, sublime, superb, symmetrical, taking, well-formed, & wonderful. i cud go on, but this thesaurus i downloaded duzn’t have ne more wordz that r synonyms for “alexandra.” @least that cud fit on this tiny screen.

     

  • At 3:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i thot i saw u guyz! becks & i r hanging out @ the food court, if u wanna meet up*!

    apes

    *assemble, reconnoiter, rendezvous, converge, come together, convene, congregate, collect, rally, marshal, gather, flock :)

     

  • At 3:39 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    You won’t believe this but I just had a group of ladies from the Thesaurus Convention being held at the Milborough Convention Center come in for a shamp-Oh. They asked if I could absterge, bathe, blot, blow, brush, clarify, cleanse, clear up, deodorize, depurate, deterge, disinfect, do up, dredge, dust, edulcorate, elutriate, erase, expunge, expurgate, flush, hackle, launder, lave, mop, neaten, pick, pick up, polish, purge, purify, rake, rasp, refine, rinse, rout out, sanitize, scald, scour, scrape, scrub, shake out, shampoo, soak, soap, sponge, spruce up, sterilize, straighten up, swab, sweep, tidy up, vacuum, wash, whisk, winnow, or wipe their hair. I told them that we don’t do edulcorations here.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 3:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i’ll ask alexandra if she wunts 2 meet up. we r gonna c the leafs play the penguins @the centre tonite, but it iz a surprize bestowal, boon, bounty, favor, gift, goodie, offering, presentation, reward, token, & tribute 2 alexandra b4 she leaves on her trip, so she won’t evn think ‘bout ne1 but me on her vacation. don’t tell her, eh? so, if alexandra sez yes 2 hanging out, we still hafta go l8er on, ok?

     

  • At 5:41 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, it was cube of alex & jeremy 2 meet up w/becks & me 4 a while. we think we saw thoze laydeez fr. the thesaurus convention. they were arguing, altercating, bandying, battling, bickering, bucking, bumping heads, contending, crossing swords, disagreeing, disputing, facing down, facing off, feuding, hammering, hammering away, hashing, hashing over, hassling, jumping, jumping on, kicking around, knocking around, locking horns, pettifogging, quarreling, quibbling, rowing, sassing, setting to, squabbling, wrangling, debating, about what they should have printed on their t-shirts. they were such foobs!

    apes

     

  • At 6:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, mom iz drivin’ alexandra & me 2 the centre 2c the leafs play the penguins. i think she will figure out where we r goin’ wen we get there. rite now she iz still baffled, befuddled, disconcerted, mixed up, muddled, perplexed, puzzled, & stumped az 2 our final destination. mom iz gonna drop us & then spend the evenin’ w/my future dad & future sis till it iz tyme 2 pick us aftah the game.

     

  • At 6:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, i hope u 2 have fun! (alex mita seen yr post here on the blog, tho! act surprised*, alex!)

    apes

    *fill in yr own synonyms. i m 2 tired!

     

  • At 6:55 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Thanks for spending the day with Becky. We had supper and now she is spending time doing some musical composition. Her initial thoughts were for a song called, “Love in the Reference Aisle” or “Don’t Mix Your Synonyms When You Mix Your Drinks” or “Mammas. Don’t Let Your Babies Grow up to Read Thesauruses” or “How Many Ways Can You Say ‘Love’?” I think the last song title has some possibilities. What you think of this first line?

    Allegiance, amity, adulation,
    Amour, ardency, affection,
    Ardor, attachment, appreciation,
    Crush, delight, devotion.
    How Many Ways Can You Say ‘Love’?

    Stinks, doesn’t it?
    Howard K.

     

  • At 7:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    that soundz cube 2 me howard. only i wonder if there's sum hidden reason we're all in2 synonyms 2day? r we all, like, under a spell? will it wear off 2morrow?

    ::confused, abashed, addled, at sea, baffled, befuddled, bewildered, come apart, dazed, discombobulated, disconcerted, disorganized, distracted, flummoxed, flustered, fouled up, glassy-eyed, gone, gonzo, misled, mixed up, muddled, nonplussed, perplexed, perturbed, punch-drunk, punchy, puzzled, screwy, shook, shook up, slaphappy, spaced out, stumped, taken aback, thrown, unglued, unscrewed, unzipped::

    apes

     

  • At 7:04 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    comment glitch.

     

  • At 8:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You are very welcome, Becky! It's like that song you told me the boys from the halfway house requested, "Sisters are Doing it for Themselves!" ;)

    Marjee

    P.S. No kidding about that look on Howard's face. Priceless, incalculable, incomparable, inestimable, invaluable, irreplaceable, prized, rare, rich, treasured, valuable, valued.

     

  • At 9:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, now u c what i mean abt mike's "outline" 4 a story abt u. he's such a creep!

    alex, i'm noticing that the urge, compulsion, craving, drive, druthers, fancy, goad, impetus, impulse, incentive, itch, longing, lust, motive, passion, pressure, stimulant, stimulus, sweet tooth, weakness, wish, yearning, yen 2 use synonyms is starting 2 fade, wane, abate, atrophy, decline, decrease, die away, die down, die out, dim, drop, dwindle, ease off, ebb, fail, fall, fall short, lessen, let up, moderate, peter out, relent, shrink, sink, slack off, slacken, subside, taper off, waste away, weaken, wind down, wither.

    i wonder what that was all about, neway?

    apes

     

  • At 9:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    sumthing v. v. strange! must b. i wonder if, like, on sum level @ least, he knows he, like, can't write?!?!?

    apes

     

  • At 10:07 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, it's a big mystery. also the bad playz, the freelance editing 4, like, every kind of writing out there, & on & on. when mike doesn't know nething abt ne of that.

    apes

     

  • At 10:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    leafs 3 penguins 2 n ot. headed back 2 milborough. i think alexandra liked the t-shirt, 2. it sed, “hockey fanatic, activist, addict, bigot, bug, crank, crazy, demon, devotee, enthusiast, extremist, fiend, fool, freak, maniac, militant, monomaniac, nut, radical, ultraist, visionary, zealot.” mom drove us 2 alexandra’z house where her dad wuz w8ing 4 us. he sed, “next tyme check w/us b4 doin’ hockey surprizes, germany, jeremiah, jermaine, gerek, gerhard, jerome, jeroen, jerrod, jervis, jersey, jericho, jerusha.” i sed i wud. alexandra iz now on her way 2 nys (eva iz goin' 2). i think everythin’ iz ok w/alexandra & me, evn tho i didn’t plan my surprize rite. i hope she duzn’t find sum states boy who iz better @planning than me.

     

  • At 10:54 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Becky is acting very nonchalant about the outline on the Mike article "RIBECUH: TEH H IS FOUR HAND." I am however, pretty upset. There were some details about Becky’s relationship with Jeffo Bray that I either did not know or did not fully comprehend when she told me the story of how she came to be known as “roadside” in her school last year, particularly the part about Jeffo not letting Becky out of the basement until she…let’s just say I am angry right now.

    Your brother has drawn the wrong conclusion about Becky in his outline, which I cannot say is surprising considering his demonstrated writing abilities dealing with my aunt and uncle and his extremely passive aggressive mindset. Becky has told me that she will never allow herself to get into that kind of situation again, much less consider herself to be in love with someone like Jeffo. She was only 13 years old at the time, so not being properly emotionally or mentally prepared for things like that falls squarely onto shoulders other than Becky’s.

    I believe if Becky’s mother and Dr. Ted are no longer interested in her staying with them (as they have expressed to Becky several times), I will let them know that I would very much like Becky to move in with me. Naturally, this would only work if Becky wants to live with me. But I believe that a home environment, where the adult genuinely cares for her would be better than one in which 13-year-old girls are allowed to descend into unprotected basements with boys 4 years their senior.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 12:30 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    The Crown would not let me assume legal responsibility for you. If you were to stay with me, it would have to be a side agreement with your mother, i.e. she would tell people you were staying with her, when you were actually staying with me. You are probably right that there is no way your mother would agree to do that. She does have some affection for you, misguided though it may appear sometimes.

    I know that you have done a good job pretty raising yourself, but when I look at that experience, I think it would be nice if you had someone take that pressure off of you, so you could concentrate on your career and enjoying your time as a teenager and not have to worry about with whom your mom is sleeping and whether or not he wants to have you killed or whether or not your dad is going to break some law and get incarcerated with you as an accomplice or the hundreds of other extremely dangerous things that happened to and around you over the last year. You know, you should have some time to have fun being a teen. I never had that opportunity when I was a teenager, and I think I missed out on something.

    I am so glad you like my old icon alcove for a bedroom. Honestly, after spending so much time with Brenda Starr, I was pretty much iconed-out. There is no way those records and memorabilia can match that experience. Besides, in case I have not mentioned it, I love it when you stay over. We have so much fun doing girl stuff. It will sound strange, but it really turns on my parental instincts that I haven’t had since…well, let’s just way it’s been awhile.

    Anyway, it couldn’t hurt for me to ask your mom about it, and if she says not, that’s OK. She might change her mind later on.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 1:05 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Maybe so, but you hold up and fill out your nighties better than I do. I think that makes us even, don't you?

    Howard K.

     

  • At 1:27 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I used to use those at one point in my life, but there is something about them that attracts dogs (the canine variety. Well, the other variety too.) Once you have been dropped to the ground by a 150-pound St. Bernard chewing on your chest, going au naturel is much more appealing, believe me.

    Howard K.

     

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