January Letters!

January letters fr. my fam R up, so as usual, I'll discuss them here.

Mine: It's weird how my school is out of synch with, like, all the other secondary schools in our area, which don't have second semester begin until February, eh? I guess R.P. Boire just had 2 B diff. I'm surprised my dad doesn't make sum lame pun based on the name of my school. Must B cuz he, like, 4gets his French. I mean, really. Boire is the French verb "to drink". "R P" = "our pee" is so John Patterson, doncha think?

NEway, with all the xcitement ovr the hols, I nev. did get 2 find out what made Becks cry after that math xam. Sumthing I can do 2 help, Becks? Sorry it's taken me so long 2 ask.

"Duncan and I went over the questions on the bus on the way home, and we talked about maybe trying to start the band up again with a different singer, but I don't think it's going to happen. We have a pretty heavy semester coming up, and I've got my job at the bookstore and my music lessons with Mr. Bergan." U mite B wondering abt this, since we went thru this whole thing recently where Mrs. Lake convinced Mom 2 let me cut way, way back on my working so I'd have time 4 yrbook. Well after my "stunt", as she calls it, at the Duncan-fam Xmas party (w/Ger & our compromising position), she took that all (mostly) back & re-upped my hours. I can still do yrbook, but I only get off fr. the store enuf 2 go 2 hockey gamez 2x a wk. & once hockey season is over, my hrs have 2 increase again. So, like, my other yrbook dutiez R now up 4 grabz. If NE1 is interested in officially documenting Becky's singing career, just talk 2 Mr. Hi Perspastick. U get 2 go 2 her gigs (the onez that R "safe" 4 minorz) in a semi-working capacity. But really it doesn't take much time 2 take notes & U can mostly enjoy yrself.

Well, I don't think NE1 would argue abt my fam being weird, LOL. But I totally did not write that Mike has a big, exciting job (note the comma, MOM).

About Dee. I also had a line in there abt how she's 2 cube 4 Mike. But it, like, mysteriously disappeared. (MOM!)

One of the nice things abt Gramps is he never implies that I'm not human. But more on that when I get 2 Dad's letter.

Lizzie's letter: Aw, man, way 2 avoid talkin' abt yr drunk NYE, Liz. Write yr letter early. Did U do that cuz, like, U were planning on drinkin' 2 much & wanted an xcuse not 2 write NEthing abt yr nite? Geez.

2006 is going to be an interesting year. The end of 2005 marked the end of my relationship with Warren; we promised to stay in touch, but our parting of the ways had a definite air of finality about it. I'm glad I got to see him again; I especially enjoyed spending some time with him in the helicopter. He loves to fly, and his enthusiasm is fun to witness. I can't blame him for following his heart and choosing the career that he did; I just wish we could have spent more time together.

"Our parting of ways had a definite air of finality about it"? This totally soundz like this is sumthing that kinda randomly happened. Like there's a chance of rain and Warren is partly cloudy. Insteada Liz firmly taking a stand on her choice of men. But then there's her next para.

So the end of 2005 brought an ending, and the start of 2006 will mark a beginning - I'm going to approach my relationship with Paul in a different way now that I'm not searching the skies for Warren. Paul's confession that he was crazy about me made me so happy, and filled me with hope that we can have a future together. I've had some time to think about him over the holidays, and I think I'm ready to pursue this partnership fully. We have a lot in common, he's a kind person, he's intelligent, likes the same music, movies and outdoor activities that I do, and he's nice to my cat. This could go places! I would like to meet his mom and dad. His mom is Ojibway and his dad is Irish. He speaks so highly of them. Some weekend, we'll drive to White River and I'll be introduced. This sounds so formal! I never met my boyfriends' parents except for Anthony's - but that was high school

This means that until Paul sed what he sed in the car, U'd been keeping an eye up in case Warren decided 2 fly in? WTF? OK, whatevs, I'm glad 2 C U R, like being decisive abt Paul. But, ew, Y'd U even hafta mention Granthony "I have no home" Caine. Ptooie!

Mom's letter: Okay, Jeremy, apparently U heard Moira an' B discussing this bit fr. Mom's letter--"April was in charge of the pre-dinner munchies - we had artichoke dip, crudités (crunchy veggies, crudely chopped) and a cheese and cracker platter that rivaled Anne's catering work. There's quite a bit of artistic talent in this family, and it manifests itself in our food!" Actually, lame as that soundz, I did an unusually "artistic" arrangement, cutting the cheese and crudités in really cool abstract shapes & creating multiple levels like U'd C in a restaurant. Cuz, like, I was bored. But they shouldn't worry abt this B-ing my only artistic outlet. Dunc & I (& Ger, 2) change our minds, like, every other day abt whether we mite revive the band sumtime. No worriez, eh? I agree that arranging cheez isn't what made the "party nites" @ Lilliputs successful. It was totally the free booze.

"I enjoy talking with people throughout the day." Oh, pleaz, Mom, U totally act like they're a burden & U wish they'd all go away. Until U discover the store'z in the red, then U R all anxious 2 C customerz again.

Isn't it funny how Mom's trying 2 act all "literary guru" like that? She reads, like, the shortest lil reviewz she can find & then triez 2 act all like she knowz what she's talking abt, LOL.

Dad's letter: OMG. OK, let's start with this:

It has been great to have Liz home. The one thing I really enjoyed was watching her react to her first real hangover after New Year's Eve (well, she SAID it was her first!). It brought back painful memories of the times I overindulged in alcohol and I must say, it's a lot more fun to watch someone else go through it. Poor Liz thought she was going to die, though, so I am sure she did not enjoy my poking fun at her. But how can you resist, when you feel so much older and wiser. I always swore that I'd never "over hang" again, but it took a long time and a lot more swearing before I kept my word!

Can U believe what a friggin' sadist he is? OK, OK, I admit I harassed her a bit when I 1st realized she was so hung over. But still, seeing her suffer like that wasn't enjoyable, let alone the "one thing I really enjoyed" abt her being home. What a turd! And he thinx I act like I'm not human?

NEway, Liz tellz me she sed this was her worst hangover, & Dad, like, turned that in2 "first real hangover". Whatevs, Dad.

I hope April hasn't been into the booze yet. She's at an age where she says little and scowls a lot. All you can do is keep an eye on her, talk to her openly and hope she uses good judgment. I have to say, even after the two other kids went through the teenage changes, I can't understand how a few simple molecules called hormones can change someone's personality so drastically. She is so sensitive and so up and down these days that I feel I am taking a leisurely stroll though a minefield when she's around. You never know what tone or inflection or comment is going to ignite her rage. I have always been able to kid her and have fun with her, and now I feel like running a barbed wire fence around her with signs that say "Danger, Explosives"!!! At least I have the knowledge that if I wait a few years she will become human again, but I sure do miss my best friend. Some day, she'll be back.

What an arse, eh? Well, let's not tell him abt my little "incident" w/drunkenness, K? NEway, can U believe this stuff he sez abt me? I mean, really, he & Mom R the 1's who R alwayz, alwayz jumpin' down my throat 4 having a "tone" when I'm totally not trying 2 have NE "tone". So can U blame me 4 "saying little"? Or (sumtymez) scowling? A little? & shut up abt "hormonez" already. Geez, this man is totally obsessed w/my "hormonez" & how they're supposedly makin' me, like, not human. Wha? I mean, really, U guyz reading this, is my behaviour that out there? I know U'd like totally tell me if it were.

BTW, Mom totally got pissed @ Dad 4 his comment abt wanting his "best friend" back. "John! I thot we were best friendz!" And he was all, "Eh? Oh rite, U're my other best friend, buddy ol' pal!"

& then he's on abt his st00pid Bushwacker again. Dad? No1, & I mean NO1 carez! Just trade it in 4 a matching 'vASSe, already. Every1 knowz U want 2, & Gordo totally has 1 set aside 4 U.

Lubricating locomotives? Ew! Steam engine, blah blah, again no1 carez. 40% dirt-stain quota? Uh-oh, peeps, I have a feeling he'll B out there boring many, many folks with his idiotic theoriez abt how dirty/stained a workshop needs 2 B. Brace yrselves.

Yo, did U know that steam engines R "more finikity than the electric engines"? Finikity? LOL! Treasure it while U can, cuz Steph the web designer will prolly fix it eventually.

& Oh, God--planning a warm-weather vacation w/Mom? U know we'll endlessly hafta hear abt that & c pix 4, like, ever! Ew!

Mike's letter: My, oh, my, check out Mike admitting, "Every moment of 'free' time was spent here in my attic, my haven from the complexities of relationships." Translation: "I hide from my wife an' kids." Jerk. Oh, & blah blah on "writer's life". Shut up, U hack! And how unintentionally funny was this?

Editing is, at times, a pleasure - as if you're working in tandem with another creative mind. Looking objectively through work that stimulates is more than a job, it's a privilege. At other times, you find yourself wanting to rewrite an entire tome. Simply correcting punctuation or suggesting a turn of phrase is not enough to salvage something that should not have gone past the publisher's inbox in the first place. It's a challenge to edit with neither judgment nor prejudice.

Aw, c'mon, Mike. U totally need sum1 2 correct yr punctuation & suggest better (*gag*) turns of phrase. & nothing U write shd ever go past a publisher's inbox, dork! Then novel, shnovel. Really, I think the world can go on without yr "my kid sister killed the dog" libel-lit (glad we destroyed that file!)

OK, here's an xample of where Mike needs an editor: "I'm slower to criticize, to anger and to condemn." I think this is what my English teacher wd call "faulty parallelism." See, take it apart. For the "parallelism" to work, he'd have to mean he is slower to make others angry. Like, "I'm slow to criticize (other people), to anger (other people)[,] and to condemn (other people)." But I think he's using "anger" as a noun there. Which would not go with his other two verb constructions. (Man, I so totally still have this stuff in my head from writing those examz!) And, like, if he were doing his parallelism correctly here, the "anger" thing wd B a total lie, since he pisses ppl off left & rite. By, like, totally disregarding their feelingz when they don't want him 2 write about them.

Oh, and "By mistakes, I mean errors in judgment." Oh, Mike, that's so yesterday!

Ha, then Mike triez 2 make up 4 his constantly avoiding Dee & the kiddlez by blathering abt them being precious 2 him. Day late, dollar short, d00d.

So, Dee, what's this "newly polished lens" Mike is on abt NEway? Is he using a telescope 2 spy on peeps fr. his attic?

Oh, and Mike wants to "to take this time to thank you for accompanying us on our journey, and for your wonderful hate mail comments and letters."

Dee's letter: Dee, I'm sooooo glad U R getting tough with Mike! Finally! But I hafta admit I was a bit disappointed when U fell back 2 that whole, "But I'm worried abt what all this hiding fr. the attic doing yr 'writing' all the time will do 2 yr health" mode. Did my mom throw that part in?

I thot this was interesting: "My mother seems to grow more overbearing every year while my father grows more withdrawn, and I don't want the two of us to end up like that. " Yo, doesn't that sound a whole lot like my 'rents? So, like, don't emulate them, either!

Gramps's letter: Awwww. I [heart] Gramps. Even tho his letter is mostly I'm OLD! I have ACHES & PAINS! But he's, like totally on my side.

But Gramps, pls never, ever mention strip poker. Ever again!

Pets: I know, the pets' letters R totally bogus. Y do we do them again? NEway, sorry abt that "crazy cat lady" comment, Liz. I kid cuz I luv. Paul, Liz sez she was joking abt yr having 2 buy Shiimsa a gift.

I hope I'm not, like, unknowingly foreshadowing (exam term!) Butterscotch's death-by-electrocution. We shd prolly do sumthing 2 make the house Buttsy-safe insteada sitting around hoping she'll learn not to chomp on cords. Sheesh.

Well, that's all for now. (Gah, took me 4evs 2 write this post. Hope U like it!)

Apes