April's Real Blog

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Mom makes it all about herself & her endless menopause!

Liz was pissed. She sed, "April, Y do I even bothering confiding in Mom? I bared my soul 2 her & she came out w/a lame 'the change of life'/'a change in of life' not-even-pun wordplay. Y, Y, Y do I not learn?" I gave her a hug & sed I cd feel her pain. Cuz, U know, I do live in this house. W/our 'rents.

So this is what happed. Liz was, like, moping, & Mom was all, "What's the matter, Liz." (No question mark; this was, like, a statement.) Liz was, like,
I dunno, Ma...I think it's apathy. I saw sum of my old friends over the holidayz. We had fun...But we're growing apart. Sum R getting married, otherz R moving away...I come back 2 this house, my clothes R in the closet, but I don't live here NEmore. I'm confused or depressed or disoriented--or sumthing.
This is when Mom swooped in. I h8 2 think how long she's been saving up this comeback. Cuz our 'rents R like that. They save up these lame-o "wordplay" lines & just can't w8 2 get the chance 2 use 'em. Even when they're, like, not appropriate 2 the sitch. So, Mom went, "I know how U feel. I'm going through the change of life & U're going through a change of life!" Liz told me, "Apes, I could just feel this look forming on my face. I think the word for how I felt was 'nonplussed'. I'm pretty sure I saw that on 1 of the vocab lists U left out." Liz shook her hed & went on, "Man, U know what? When Mom sed she knew how I felt, I thot she might, just might, have had sumthing useful 2 say. Bcuz, after all, she did move here fr. Vancouver. So she musta, like, gone thru the same kinda thing when she was a yung woman. In fact, I vaguely remember her saying sumthing abt this when Mike & I were little & we'd sumtymz visit Gramps & Grandma in BC. She'd leave 'home' 2 visit 'home' & then go back 'home' again." Liz sighed. "But Y waste time drawing on yr experiences in a useful way when U can spew out a lame Patterson 'line'?"

I nodded & I sed, "U know, Liz, I haven't gone thru NE of this yet. But I have a feeling that if U move out for real &, like, start thinking of Mtig as yr real home, U mite start 2 feel less, like, drifty." She sort of half nodded, & I sed, "If U want, I cd help U go thru the stuff U still have here. Decide what U wanna take w/U, what U wanna store in boxes, what U wanna give away. 2, like, me. Not that I'd only B doing this 2 get stuff fr. U." Liz rolled her eyez & swatted me w/a pillow. Then she sed, "U have a pt, April. As long as I have my old rm all set up & ready 4 me 2 step back in2 my childhood, I'll have these 'off' feelingz when I visit. NEway, thanks for your offer. I'll think abt it."

U know, I wda liked 2 have herd abt Liz's hanging out w/her old friendz, wdn't U? This cda been an interesting conversational topic.

So Ger & I have a coupla "secret" dates 2day. We haven't been able 2 C ea other so much, cuz Ger has a crazee training sked over the break. But I'm gonna cheer him on @ the rink when he's practicing hockey. & 2 nite, I'm packing up my 'kini & Ger's gonna smuggle me in2 his house 2 share a bath w/him! Don't worry, we're gonna wear bathing suits like we did B4!

Apes

P.S. I can't believe Buttsy has joined a "rodent gang"! This is so, so bad!

14 Comments:

  • At 12:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    alexandra, ur stayin' 2c the rpi game!? rats, oh...i mean thass not wut i wuz hopin'. mom duzn't like me 2 mention the 'r' word nemore cuz of last nite. we r havin' 2 use the tv frum the back room, while we r w8in' 4 our tv 2b repaired frum the 'r' creaturez who visited us last nite. have fun @crossgates, but if uc ne hockey playerz, u don't needta go 2 ne saunaz w/them, eh? i miss u.

     
  • At 1:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your sister. I do not know if she has explained everything to you about her situation in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). The apartment where she lives is owned by Gary and Vivian Crane. They use the place for guests during the summer holidays, so Elizabeth has been forced to move each summer. That is one of the reasons why she has left many of her possessions in your house. Another thing I don’t know if your sister has mentioned is that part of the curriculum for her school requires the kids to study in their own language, which is Ojibway. Since Elizabeth doesn't speak the language, she has had to wait until the last minute to get contract renewals with the school each year, because the band council members were hoping to find someone who does speak Ojibway. This is also one of the reasons, that when I write I try to include Ojibway in my letters. Sometimes when we are together, your sister and I try to have conversations only in Ojibway. It is a very difficult language, but your sister is learning. I think she wants Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) to be her home, but some things will have to change for that to happen.

    Since I am falling in love with your sister, I have thought about our future partnership together. The closest detachment in the Ontario Provincial Police to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) is in Nipigon, which is still 2 ½ hours drive from Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). I can request a transfer after I have completed my required time in Otter County. I do not know how Elizabeth would feel about working in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), but not living there or what would happen if the band council found an Ojibway-speaking teacher and replaced her. My relatives tell me they think of Elizabeth as a “star” in Mtigwaki, so I believe her position is safe. It is too early in our relationship to think of such details. I have not met you or the other members or your family, nor has Elizabeth met my family.

    The one time I did meet your mother, I did notice she wanted to talk about menopause a lot. When she showed me the picture of your sister, I remember she said, “I have menopause, but Liz gives men a pause.” I thought it was an unusual thing to say. Your writing helps me understand her better.

    Please let your sister know that I miss her and I did buy the pink outfit with the ribbons for Shiimsa.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     
  • At 1:14 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Becky and I picked up her mother and Dr. Ted from the airport. I broached the subject of Becky staying with me during the ride, and Becky’s mom Krystle said “Absolutely not. The Crown awarded Becky to me.” But then Dr. Ted whispered some things to Krystle I could not hear. After that Krystle said, “That’s a very generous offer Howard. I will have to think about it and let you know.” So, I don’t know what will happen. I’ll let you know when I find out. I hope they decide Becky can stay with me.

    Oh, something strange happened here last night. Someone or something broke into the hair salon and chewed through the electrical cords on the hair dryers. Sugar was in a frenzy and closed the shop while she went shopping for new ones. Officer Luggsworth came by and concluded it was the work of that new electrical rodent gang that has been operating in Milborough. I only mention this to let you know that Officer Luggsworth is likely to visit anyone known to own a rodent as a part of his investigation.

    Howard K.

     
  • At 1:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    eva, i have a bad history w/nicknamez. jer is ok, but it iz 2 much like gerald, eh? u need the last part so peeps don't get us confuzed. like sumbody sez "oh i saw april & ger kissin' b-tween classes" it wud get me n trubble w/alexandra, if i wuz known az jer, cuz it wud sound like ger. so mebbe not jer, eh?

    u cud tell alexandra that april & i saw hockey 2gethah if u wunt. it's not infidelity & i am not gonna lie 2 alexandra 'bout it. alexandra knows april iz all 'bout ger az n gerald & not jer az n jeremy. don't make trubble for me, eh?

    have fun @the xgates fud court. tell alexandra i miss her.

     
  • At 3:51 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    eva, that plan abt hockey soundz cube. u can go ahead & set it up.

    howard, luggsworth came by the house & interrogated buttsy, i'm not sure how, but he sez he's eliminated her as a "suspect".

    paul, yeah, that "men a pause" think soundz like a typical elly pun. sorry u had 2 hear that.

    jeremy, mayB we cd call u "jones" as a nickname. i know it's not original, but @ least no1 wd confuse u w/ger.

    apes

     
  • At 4:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, no offense 2 ur choice of nicknamez 4 me, but "jones" iz my dad's nickname. it wudn't sit well w/my mom. i know my mom kinda gave u an earful 'bout my dad last nite. sorry 'bout that. but "jones" wud just bring up issuez w/her. i'm not sure y eva thinks i need 1. is she a nickname kinda person?

     
  • At 4:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i don't think they're nething wrong w/just being jeremy. :)

    apes

     
  • At 4:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i'm glad u think that way. i wunder if alexandra agreez w/u or w/eva. i miss alexandra.

     
  • At 6:30 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I had an interesting afternoon. Shawna-Marie Verano whom I have met once before after your incident with the um…”hoofed animal whom I shall not mention” meat and a friend of hers Dawn somebody (I didn’t catch her last name) came into the salon. They were oddly enough, talking about your sister Elizabeth. This is how the conversation went:

    Shawna-Marie: Howard! Do you work here now? I haven’t seen you since you brought that borscht over to Liz’s house for April.

    I said I now worked here as the shamp-Oh girl.

    Shawna-Marie: Good to see you. Dawn. This is Howard, the guy that attacked Liz over the summer.

    Dawn: Um. Shawna-Marie. Why are you talking to him? Shouldn’t he be in jail?

    Shawna-Marie: Dawn. Oh, it’s a long story. I was in Bracebridge when it happened, but April told me all about it. See the dress Howard is wearing? (Dawn nodded.) Howard is totally gay and the attack was just a big misunderstanding.

    Dawn: It wasn’t one of things having to do with guys falling in love with Liz was it? Sometimes I dread seeing Liz when my fiancé David is around. It is completely disgusting the way men drool over her.

    Shawna-Marie: Oh, my boyfriend does it too. I don’t know what it is about her. It kind of makes it hard to maintain a friendship, when your guy is drooling over your friend. So, Howard, were you in love with Liz? Is that why you attacked her?

    I said it was all a misunderstanding about Elizabeth and Anthony Caine.

    Dawn: Oh, Anthony. He is so messed up now.

    Shawna-Marie: That’s the truth. Anthony has totally screwed up his marriage from his obsession with Liz. Thérèse is not very nice, but I thought after they had the baby, he would get his act together. What is it about Liz that makes guys act like that?

    Dawn: I don’t know. At the holiday party, she was talking about how she had 2 guys that were fighting over her. Did you see that 8” x 10” glossy she had of the policeman?

    Shawna-Marie: I sure did. Liz sure takes after her mother for carrying pictures. I wish I could attract good-looking guys like that.

    Dawn: But the weirdest part was that even though Liz said the policeman was falling in love with her, the best thing she could say about him was “I’ve never know anyone like him before”.

    Shawna-Marie: I know. When she asked if the policeman was romantic, she just said, “I don’t know, but he’s nice.”

    Dawn: Nice. That’s what you say about a platonic friend. When I asked her to describe him, she said, “We have a lot in common, he's a kind person, he's intelligent, likes the same music, movies and outdoor activities that I do, and he's nice to my cat.” He sounded definitely more like a buddy than a boyfriend.

    Shawna-Marie: Poor guy. I hope she lets him down easy and doesn’t give him any ideas like she did with a certain walrus-mustached guy we know.

    Dawn: Oh, Anthony is just an idiot. You can’t blame Liz for that. I really don’t know what these guys see in her. She was really depressing at the holiday party. Did you notice that every time someone said the words, “home” or “marriage” or “moving away”, she chugged her drink?

    Shawna-Marie: Was that what it was? I know she was definitely drinking a lot more than she has at other parties. It was like she was confused or depressed or disoriented-or something.

    Dawn: When I talked about my upcoming wedding or how things are in Ottawa, she was completely apathetic. I said, “Liz, what’s wrong?” and all she would tell me was that we were growing apart.

    Shawna-Marie: I know what you mean. The only thing she wanted to talk about was her cat. When I tried to talk to her about things going on with me in Milborough, she just said, “My clothes are in the closet, but I don’t live here anymore.”

    Dawn: Weird.

    I said, “It’s time for your shamp-Oh.”

    Shawna-Marie: Why do you call it shamp-Oh, instead of shampoo? Oh. Oh. Ooooh!! Never mind. Don’t stop to answer my question. Just keep going.

    And that is pretty much all I remember. I thought you might find it interesting.

    Howard K.

     
  • At 6:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Well, considering the fact that they gossiped about me like that at the salon, I am glad I wasn't more forthcoming with Dawn and Shawna-Marie about my feelings for Paul.

    Paul, I hope you won't let their words frighten you. Just because I tend to play my cards close to my vest doesn't mean I do not harbour deep feelings for you. When I see you again, I will show you just how much you mean to me.

    By the way, Viv tells me that ever since your last phone conversation with Shiimsa, that she (Shiims, not Viv) has been positively giddy! I am sure she will love your gift!

    Oh, and back to Dawn and Shawna-Marie. Is it my fault they weren't taking part in the big "growing up and moving out" drinking game? They must have been the only people at the party who weren't!

    Liz

     
  • At 7:01 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    alex, i m soooooo glad u r coming home early. the game will b cube! tho i hope my dad won't embarrass us. sorry yr mom didn't like her pizza.

    apes

     
  • At 7:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    alexandra, i can’t w8 2c the milton icehawks w/u on friday, evn if april’z dad iz gonna b there 2. i hope he’z not driving.

    i got ur email w/the picture of u givin’ me the air kiss. i dunno if u noticed wen u sent that, but sum girl i dunno (i guess colette) had 2 fingerz b-hind ur head. my mom saw me kissin’ my computer screen w/that picture on it. she wuzn’t 2 happy. i know it soundz a little strange, but it will hafta do till icu again. don’t worry. ur a way better kisser than the computer screen.

     
  • At 9:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    gerald got me on the phone a little while ago. he sed he luvved having me @ the rink even tho drew fontaine barely gave him a chance 2 breathe w/their practice sesson. we r still on 4 our "bath" d8 l8r. ger's gonna drop his fire ladder out the window 2 let me climb up. (again!)

    becks, that so sux u hafta have all that fiting & yr mom saying that stuff. i'm glad u can live w/howard.

    apes

     
  • At 8:44 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    sorry, becks, my bad. i just kept thinking her reasonz 4 not letting u go were so bad, u'd hafta b allowed 2 go. i hope u can!

    apes

     

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