Dee's Next Installment
So, Dee sent me another e-mail:
Sum lawyer name Earl Cheatham has been trying 2 get in tuch w/Dad. He wants 2 send sum1 ovr 2 have a look @ Dad's treadmill. Whatevs.
Apes out
'April'!So, wait, Dee's mother was arguing with the neighbours again? When did she argue with them B4? Why do we never hear abt these thingz. I mean, I heard abt the time Mira bot Merrie that electronic ball & then jumped up & down after they bang-bang-banged 2 retaliate. But did that lead 2 an argument? Spill, Dee!
Sorry for the 'delay' in continuing the story. This stuff with my 'parents' was about all I could think about this past week, but suddenly I was fixated with the idea of treadmills and ear buds. Fortunately, that's passed, though your 'brother' has started yammering about doing an 'article' about your 'father's' sports 'injury'. LOL, 'April'!
So, when Mr. Kelpfroth answered the door, my mother shouted, "Are you crazy? Banging on the ceiling like that? I should call the police!" At the same time that I interjected "Mother!!" Mr. Kelpfroth challenged her: "Oh yeah? You want trouble, lady?" And Mom responded with, "I want trouble? You're the one who wants trouble!" I was running up the stairs while this last exchange was going on, and once I'd gotten back into our apartment, I said, "Dad! Mom's arguing with the neighbours downstairs again!" Dad said, "I'm coming, I'm coming! I just hate to take her from something she enjoys." That 'Dad' of mine! Okay, so next thing you know--
Oh, for 'heaven's' sake, 'April'! What on earth does that 'brother' of yours want this time? Something about the stupid 'treadmill' and 'injury' article, I think.
'Dee'
Sum lawyer name Earl Cheatham has been trying 2 get in tuch w/Dad. He wants 2 send sum1 ovr 2 have a look @ Dad's treadmill. Whatevs.
Apes out
posted by April Patterson @ 9:13 AM
33 Comments:
At 10:15 AM,
howard said…
April,
I thought I might call my aunt and see if she could give me a better explanation of your story than what your sister-in-law did. I said to her, “Aunt Winnie, have you ever met the Sobinskis before?” She said, “Yes. Howard. Don’t you remember? It was at that party your ex-girlfriend, Brenda Starr, held.” I said, “Were there any other times?” She said, “I’ll have to think about it. Nothing is coming to mind.”
I said, “What about this fight with the Sobinskis you had recently? April’s sister-in-law keeps going on to her about it. It must have been something.” My aunt said, “Fight? Oh, I remember that. Yes, she came to our door and knocked and she and Melville got into a yelling match and said the word ‘trouble’ over and over again. Then some other people came and there was more yelling.” I said, “So, what happened?” My aunt said, “Happened? Nothing really. Just a lot of yelling. You know, ‘Sound and fury signifying nothing.’” I said, “You’re keeping something back.” My aunt said, “Honestly, Howard. You are my favourite nephew. Don’t you trust me?” I said, “After the practical jokes you have played on me and others, not really.” My aunt said, “Well, I don’t know if you are going to continue being my favourite nephew.” I said, “I’m already not your favourite nephew.” My aunt said, “Well, you are in the running for the top spot. You don’t need to worry about us and the neighbours upstairs. Oh, there was something I did notice.” I said, “What was that?” My aunt said, “The wife neighbour upstairs appears to have returned to her normal size, so she is not bumping her head on things.” I said, “That’s good.” My aunt said, “She still hops up the stairs like a bunny, but she does hold onto the handrail while she does it so she doesn’t fall down.” I said, “Hop up the stairs like a bunny.” My aunt said, “Yes. It’s so peculiar. I don’t know why she does it.”
Well, that’s all I got out of my aunt. I hope it helps.
Howard K.
At 10:20 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i have been getting sum luks 2day w/my head bandaged & my 2 black eyes & walkin' w/a limp & my lips kinda vibratin'. but it duzn't matter, since i am pre-engaged 2 alexandra. i have been tellin' every1 ic the gud newz, which iz a lot of peeps since they ask me wut happened ovah the weekend. neway, i got alexandra sum coffee this morning & i gave it 2 her. eva wuz w/her & sed, "yru takin' that frum him?" & alexandra sed, "it's coffee." i guess i shud have brot eva sum coffee 2 since she had that emergency last nite. she luked fine 2 me tho.
i wuz wondering. wut wud u think 'bout me havin' a party this weekend 2 celebr8 alexandra & my pre-engagement?
At 10:26 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh man oh man oh man. Mr Malkmus called me this am an' said hes picking me up aft skool 4 a little trip 2 Shelbyville an' dont tell ne1. So if Im not @ Horny T @ 7 pm pls call my 'rents an' mayB even Luggie.
p.s. Beckers, cld I have sum of those bivibe kisses 2day I no were not sorta gf an' bf nemore but it mite b my last day @ skool I hafta go on a car ride w/ a psycho who h8s me.
p.p.s. Dont call Luggie hes a psycho who h8s me 2.
p.p.p.s. Dont call my 'rents they dont care abt me just give them the # 4 Rent a Geek so they can get sum foob 2 finish there fotos of the baby.
At 10:30 AM,
April Patterson said…
hm, jeremy, i think u need 2 have another serious talk w/alex b4 u go planning ne partiez.
howard, thanx 4 sharing what u heard fr. yr aunt. i guess it's going 2 b several dayz, @ least, b4 we find out what else happed that nite, eh?
apes
At 10:33 AM,
April Patterson said…
omg, dunc! mayB we shd ask constable paul 2 watch out 4 u? paul, have u got ne friends in shelbyville?
apes
At 11:46 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i dunno y u think i need anothah serious talk w/alexandra b4 planning our pre-engagement party. but, i guess since it’s a party 4 both of us, it wud b 2 talk 2 her. or mebbe a surprize party wud b gud. wutya think of that?
i did have a brief conversation w/alexandra ‘bout coffee flavours this morning. i am goin’ 2 have 2 learn her favrite, if we r gonna make this marriage work. she also sed sum inneresting things 2 me:
she wunted me 2 stop getting her things & she sed we r not goin’ out nemore. thoze things r gud ideaz cuz we prolly needta save money 4 the wedding ceremony & the honeymoon. thoze thingz r xxpensive & u can’t afford thoze thingz if ur constantly spending ur money on gifts & on d8s. alexandra iz so smart 2 plan 4 the future.
then she sed, “we’re ovah, thru, not 2gethah, no longer. i don’t know how 2 make it ne clearer! please, leave me alone. please!” it wuz her sweet way of tellin’ me that i wuz gonna b l8 4 class & i needed 2 leave. i know she used such strong language cuz wen i am around her i don’t wanna go away & sumtymez she hasta get tuff w/me. u know how it iz wen ur rilly n love & u just wanna b w/that person all the tyme. good thing 4 me, alexandra haz a gud head on her shoulderz ‘bout wut’s mportant. i am so lucky 2 have her as my pre-fiancée.
oooh. there'z sum1 i haven't told 'bout my pre-engagement. gotta go.
At 11:55 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I got your request. I can contact the detachment closest to Shelbyville on the behalf of your friend, Duncan Anderson. I do not know what to tell them. Is this Mr. Malkmus a kidnapper? Or has he been molesting your friend, Duncan Anderson? I need more details and a description of your friend and Mr. Malkmus in order to properly alert the Ontario Provincial Police in that area.
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:57 AM,
howard said…
April,
It may be several days for you to get the information out of your sister-in-law, but my aunt just said there was a lot of yelling. She's not one to drag out a story. If your sister-in-law gives you a detail other than what my aunt told me, I can ask her again. Keep me informed.
Howard K.
At 1:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i heard sum1 talkin’ ‘bout a mrs. smelly wormy jones & they were laffin’. i sed, “wut’s the joke about?’ they kind got quiet & sed, “well, u shud know.” i dunno wut they were talkin’ ‘bout, but i told them it wuzn’t nice 2 call peeps thoze kinda namez. i know all ‘bout how much they can hurt ur feelins’.
i guess sumbody else haz got a bad nickname. it cudn’t be worse than germy wormy jeremy jones. u know april, that nickname haz rilly stuck w/me. i feel sorry 4 whoevah it iz they are callin’ mrs. smelly wormy jones. mebbe it’s a teacher. do we have a teech named jones n the skool?
i saw eva n the hall & i wuz gonna askher ‘bout it, but she just turned 2 me & sed, “stop selling ur comic books on ebay.” i sed ok, cuz she luked a little nuts. i nevah rilly had a comic book collection. i gotta bunch of country-western musick stuff frum thingz my dad gave me wen he wuz tourin’ & wud meet sum1 famous. i don’t plan 2 sell it tho.
alexandra wuzn’t n math 2day. i wunder if that virus haz gotten worse. do u know nething?
At 1:26 PM,
April Patterson said…
alex, it soundz like jeremy doesn't know those peeps were talkin' abt u w/the mean nickname.
eva, i think the reason jeremy had enuf $ 2 buy coffee 4 alex is he's been using the $ he gets fr. working @ becky's gigz.
apes
At 4:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i guess the party idea iz off. alexandra wunts me 2 keep our pre-engagement a secret. if u hear her say, “i don’t wanna go out w/u nemore!” she’z just doin’ 1 of thoze pretend fite thingz like u & rebeccah did @the beginning of skool. only she duz it a lot bettah than u & rebeccah, cuz she gets rilly red n the face. i wud b convinced myself, if i didn’t know bettah. so, if u hear that, u don’t needta b worried. everythin’ iz solid w/alexandra & me. no party tho. i am kinda sad ‘bout that.
i had the strangest conversation with rebeccah. she wunted me 2 meet her by her locker aftah 7th period, cuz she sed had a present 4 me. well, it wuzn’t the kind of present sum1 w/a pre-fiancée can accept. so i told rebeccah this & she sed, “u r not engaged, or pre-engaged, or even bf/gf nemore w/alex. alex dumped u. u r not getting married. u need 2 get a clue an' move on.” i sed, “oh rebeccah, i guess it’s all rite 2 tell u, since we work 2gethah. that stuff that alexandra haz been sayin’ iz just an act so peeps won’t know we’re pre-engaged. she wunts 2 keep it a secret.” rebeccah sed, “omg, jeremy. wut iz wrong w/u? u have been slow b4, but i think ur setting’ sum kinda record this tyme.” i sed, “i’m walkin’ slow cuz my leg got hurt wen april’z dad ran n2 me yesterday.” rebeccah sed, “no. slow az ur not unnerstanding thingz peeps r tellin’ u.” i sed, “well. i did hit my head pretty hard wen u kissed me last nite. mebbe thass it. oh, & my lips stopped vibrating during lunch, which iz gud cuz i wuz sorta getting food on me. wut were u sayin’? i’ll try 2 pay bettah attention.” rebeccah sed, “wut alex iz doin’ iz not an act. she rilly meanz it.” i sed, “wow! alexandra iz rilly gud @acting, i mean, 2 have fooled u2. cuz u usually don’t get fooled by stuff. mebbe alexandra haz a future n show biz. wutya think?” rebeccah sed, “ur startin’ 2 hurt my feelings, jeremy. wen i told u that we were broke up, u didn’t have ne problem b-lieving me.” i sed, “well, i think the kicked-in locker w/the riting on it & the xxploding clownz didn’t leave ne doubt that u were not foolin’” rebeccah sed, “so if alexandra were 2 kick n ur lockah, u wuld b-lieve her?” i sed, “well, it wuld b kinda mean 2 do 2 sum1 whose ur pre-fiancée.” rebeccah sed, “i think i needta have a talk w/alex.” then she left. strange convo, eh?
At 4:37 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, man, i m @ the store now & we r soooooooooooooooo busy rite now. remember how, like, in my mom's january letter she recommended that book a million little pieces by james frey? well, u mita heard there's controversy abt the memoir being all fulla liez. & peeps r totally wanting their $ back. so, we've got all these customerz who bot the book cuz my mom reccoed it, & now there's this big rush of returns! my mom's freakin' out. she actually sent an outraged e-mail 2 oprah. "april, i never wd have recommended this book with out big-o's stamp of approval!"
oh, well, i'm needed again!
apes
At 4:54 PM,
howard said…
April,
Thank you so much for finding me that book on teenage girl singer contract law. I really appreciate you taking the time for me with all those other customers returning that other book your mom and Oprah recommended. I was so delighted that you were able to help me, and of course, I hope it will help Becky also. I looked all over town for that book, and nobody had it. I’m not sure why your mom had it in stock actually, but I guess I should not question such things.
To show you my appreciation, I would like to take you and Becky out to dinner (my treat) to any place you would like to go, except the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant of course. Let me know if you are interested.
Howard K.
At 5:03 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, i'm def interested! i m so glad i was able 2 help u. my mom does have sum unusual selectionz here. i'm not sure y she had that 1. mayB oprah mentioned it, like in an interview w/ashlee simpson or something like that?
apes
p.s. u have such gd taste, howard, i wd luv it if u'd pick the restaurant 4 us, if it's ok w/becky.
At 5:10 PM,
howard said…
April,
This may sound crazy, but was there ever a time when your mother supported your musical interests? If there was, maybe she had the book there in case you needed it. Perhaps during that period of time after she got her shamp-Oh? Thanks again for the help.
I will pick up Becky and you after you get off your work shift. It's been awhile since just the 3 of us have done something.
Howard K.
At 5:14 PM,
April Patterson said…
hm, u mite b on2 sumthing abt my mom mayB ordering the bk when she was, like, "good elly" 4 a lil while. i miss good elly.
i m so glad we r going out 2 dinner!
apes
At 6:21 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Im home. My 'rents r pissed @ me 4 Bing l8 4 dinner so I cant post rite now. Ill b back l8r.
At 7:21 PM,
howard said…
We’re at a restaurant called La Crème de la Crème de Milborough. Its price range is above that of Tim Hortons, and I think it is fairly safe to say that neither Becky nor April have been here before. It is a very small place with only about 10 tables and is set up in what used to be someone’s house a long time ago, but now has the designation of being a Heritage House and has a lot of the features associated with old-style architecture.
I was introduced to the place indirectly over Christmas by my parents, when they set me up on a series of blind dates over the holidays with a female chef, whom they knew lived and worked in Milborough. I think my parents believed the combination of common interests and general location would prove to be irresistible. Also, the woman is stunningly beautiful, and at one point used to have a career in professional modeling, until it was ruined by a particularly vindictive and slanderous photographer’s assistant. I think the story was that the photographer (a man) for whom the assistant assisted was interested in my chef friend romantically, but not she in him. But the photographer’s assistant (a woman) took steps to sway the photographer’s interest away from her that somehow ended up ruining her career. I don’t know all the details, and my parents said it was a sensitive enough subject with her that I should not ask, so I didn’t.
In any case, she fell back on her cooking abilities, and took over this restaurant. I did have the opportunity to eat her cooking over the holidays and she is marvelous, which is to say much better than I am. I think Becky and April will be impressed.
Howard K.
At 8:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, ic frum the posts that u & rebeccah r out @dinner w/howard. there’s sumthing i think u shud know. alexandra & i r broken up. i know rebeccah tried 2 tell me that b4, but alexandra told me 2 keep our pre-engagement a secret, so i thot she wuz doin’ a gud job of acting. neway, she wuzn’t actin’.
wen my mom got home frum skool, she checked the messages & there wuz 1 frum alexandra’z ‘rents askin’ us 2 come ovah 2 their house az soon az we cud. i thot it wuz cuz alexandra had told them ‘bout our pre-engagement & the future in-lawz wunted 2 meet. i sed, “mom ur gonna get 2 meet the in-lawz.” she sed, “gr8. a whole house of peeps i won’t b able 2 unnerstand. soundz wunnerful.” but i knew it wuz gonna b gr8. i wuz wrong.
so, we got there & it didn’t luk gr8 @all. alexandra’z ‘rents were luking like they were n a rilly bad mood. they were polite 2 mom, but they were glaring @me. alexandra’z dad sed, “germany. germany’z mom. thank u4 comin’. pleaze w8 here while i get…um...anonymous.” my mom sed, “germany? anonymous? alreddy i can’t unnerstand wut they r saying. wut do thoze words mean n the states?” i started 2 tell her wen alexandra came n. she luked awful. i mean u know alexandra is rilly hott & iz pretty & stuff, but it luked like she had been doin’ a lot of crying.
i sed 2 her, “wut happened, alexandra?” alexandra’z dad sed, “xxcuze me germany, but ur wut happened. she wuz teazed all day long by the students @her skool cuz of sumthin’ u did.” i sed, “i wud nevah do nething 2 hurt alexandra.” alexandra’z dad sed, “my othah daughter sez different.” & alexandra’z sis gave me an evil luk. alexandra’z dad sed, “did u tell peeps @ur skool u were pre-engaged 2…um…my daughter?” i sed, “well, yes. but that wuz b4 alexandra told me 2 keep it a secret.” alexandra’z dad sed 2 her, “…um…anon…iz this true?” alexandra sed it wuz true. alexandra’z dad sed, “so ru pre-engaged 2 this boy…um…anon?” my mom jumped n & sed, “alexandra. alexandra. her name iz alexandra. good god. can’t u remembah ur own daughter’s name frum 1 minute 2 the next?” alexandra’z mom sed, “don’t change the subject. every1 knowz my husband iz lousy w/namez. would u answer the question…um…anon?” my mom started growling.
alexandra sed, “i tried 2 break up w/jeremy yestahday, but he thot i wuz tryin’ 2 b-come pre-engaged & nothing i sed cud convince him we weren't pre-engaged & i told him lots of tymez.” alexandra’z dad sed, “ah ha! well, that’s the problem then. ur just no good @talkin’. lemme show u how it’s done. germany?” my mom poked me & i sed, “yes, mr. love.” alexandra’z dad sed, “my daughter…um…anon is broken up w/u. duzn’t wanna d8 u ne more. got it?” i sed “got it.” then alexandra’z dad sed, “uc, that’s how it’s done.” i sed, “but wut ‘bout alexandra? i alreddy knew her sis didn’t wanna d8 me.” alexandra’z dad sed, “no. not…um..” my mom yells, “alexandra” alexandra’z dad sed, “yeah her. not her sis. i mean…um…anon.” i sed, “wut about anon?” alexandra’z dad sed, “she duzn’t wanna d8 u.” i sed, “i know that. i’m d8ing alexandra.” alexandra’z dad sed 2 alexandra, “i’m beginning 2c ur problem.” alexandra’s mom sed, “lemme give it a try. germany. stay away frum our house & both our daughterz. got it?” i sed, “got it.” alexandra’z mom sed, “uc, dear. it’s not that hard.” i sed, “so u want alexandra 2 move n w/mom & me?” alexandra’z mom sed, “no. u stay away from our house & our daughters. don’t u unnerstand?” i sed, “sure i do. alexandra getz her own separate room n our house. we wudn’t want ne improper stuff goin’ on b4 we r married. it makes sense.” alexandra’z mom sed to alexandra, “y do u get mixed up w/the stupid 1s.” alexandra’z sis sed, “mom. dad. u2 r pitiful. i will str8en this idiot out. germany?” i sed, “yes?” she sed, “alex duz not have a relationship w/u nemore. no d8ing. no marriage. no engagement. nothing. got it?” i sed, “got it.” alexandra’z sis sed, “c. mom & dad. thass how u gotta talk.” i sed, “i am kinda disappointed nu, that u wud wanna break up alexandra & me, so u cud d8 me.” alexandra’z sis sed, “wut ru talkin’ ‘bout?” i sed, “ur dad just told me u didn’t wanna d8 me. that must mean they r tryin’ 2 protect alexandra & me frum u.” alexandra’z sis sed, “i’m not innerested nu.” i sed, “thass wut ur dad wunts me 2 b-lieve, but u don’t fool me.” alexandra’z sis sed 2 alexandra, “oh i am so sorry.”
my mom sed, “this haz gone far enuff. i shoulda known peeps frum the states cudn’t put 2 sensible words 2gethah. i thot alexandra had tried 2 break up w/jeremy yestahday, but then she came ovah 4 hockey & i got confuzed. alexandra, honey, wen u breakup w/a guy, don’t go 2 hiz house 4 hockey, eh? now, jeremy. lemme put this n wordz u can unnerstand. remembah thoze scarz on ur butt frum the xxplodin’ circus orange clownz?” i sed, “yes.” my mom sed, “wen did u get thoze scarz?” i sed, “it wuz wen rebeccah broke up w/me. she sent a message 2 circus orange 2 recruit me 4 clownin’.” my mom sed, “wut happened 2 ur relationship w/rebeccah aftah that?” i sed, “mom. we broke up. i barely talked 2 rebeccah aftah that.” my mom sed, “tangi origami. wut did she do 2 break up w/u?” i sed, “she tried to eat me.” alexandra’z ‘rents gasped & sed, “please. language.” i sed, “no. not wut ur thinkin’. she actually took a bite outa me. c. here r the scarz. i think it wuz cuz she wuz so hungry all the tyme.” my mom sed, “wut happened 2 ur relationship w/tangi aftah that?” i sed, “we were broke up. i wen on a d8 w/her aftah rebeccah broke up w/me, but she kinda went crayzee on that d8, so nuthin’ happened.” my mom sed, “son. i know that ur young & don’t have much xxperience w/girlz, but lemme tell u, most girlz do not scar ur body wen they break up w/u. most tymez they just say they wanna break up.” i sed, “oh mom. thass not true.” my mom sed, “back me up peeps.” alexandra’z dad & mom & sis & evn my own alexandra were all nodding their headz. i sed, “duz that head noddin’ mean ‘yes’ n the states?” alexandra’z dad sed, “yes. it meanz ‘yes’, u idiot.” so i sed, “so u mean, alexandra’z breakin’ up w/me?” they all sed, “YES!” i sed, “so i’m not pre-engaged?” they all sed, “YES!” i sed, “so i don’t get 2 go on d8s w/alexandra nemore?” they all sed, “YES!” alexandra sed, “i’m sorry, jeremy. i wuz tryin’ 2 tell u.” i sed 2 alexandra, “u don’t needta apologize 4 me b-ing st00pid. i luv u alexandra & evn tho we r broken up, the tyme i wuz w/u wuz the best tyme of my life. ru sure u wanna do this?” they all sed, “YES!” so, mom tuk me home & by the tyme i got back i wuz doin’…well i’m just gonna tell u…i cried like a freakin’ baby. i recovered just enuff from crying’ 2 rite this 2u, so u will know. i’m gonna go back 2 cryin’ now.
At 9:07 PM,
April Patterson said…
aw, jeremy, i'm sorry abt all that. i knew that alex was breaking up w/u, but she begged me not 2 say nething 2 u abt it until after u knew it & sed it yrself.
we r still @ the restaurant & the food is so delish! we just finished dessert. they so do not rush u here. 4 sum reason the owner/chef here looked upset when she heard that my last name is "patterson".
apes
At 9:29 PM,
duncan anderson said…
OMG, OMG, OMG, Im so boned.
Mr M picks me up aft skool an' puts my napsak in the trunk. Brattos riding shotgun. We go like 2 blocks an' Bratto says he wants 2 play w/ my PSP so Mr M pulls over so I can get it outta my napsak. Theres a shovel an' 3 or 4 bags of sand in the trunk an' Im thinking its a father an' son psycho partee an' there going 2 bury me sumwhere in the ravine. On the hiway 2 Shelbyville Mr M goes, what do u want 2 hear Steve Jr, an' Bratto goes, daddys tape, an' Mr M goes 2 me, u think u r so talented but guess what I used 2 b the lead singer an' guitar player in Asphalt this band me an' my bud Scott had an' we were almost famus. So he plays his Asphalt tape. Mr M an' Bratto r singing along w/ this tune, "if u list yr qualms an' they stick theyll drown u in the crick in the neck of the woods", an' Im thinking ok, there burying me in the woods not the ravine. While Mr M an' Bratto r getting in2 the tune Im trying 2 get the **** outta there. I tried 2 jump outta the car but Mr M had the kiddyproof locks on. Then I tried 2 send Cst Wright a txt msg but my fingers wldnt work nemore.
Mr M stops @ the Shelbyville Credit Union an' tells me 2 get outta the car an' Bratto 2 stay put. I figure Mr M wants 2 empty my acct b4 he kills me an' he mite take longer 2 kill me when he finds out Ive only got $4.27 in my acct. He tells me 2 STFU an' agree w/ evrything he says. OK, Mr Psycho Killer.
Mr M introduces me 2 the manager Mr Kannenberg who just happens 2 b his old buddy Scott fr Asphalt. Mr M tells Mr K that Im his nephew Duncan Malkmus an' that Ive bn begged Mr M 2 bring me over 2 meet Mr K 'cos I love Asphalts tunes so much. Im smiling an' nodding an' smiling an' nodding. Then Mr M says, Ive got a surprize 4 Duncan, but y dont u tell him, Scott. So Mr K goes, I here u rilly enjoyed doing the traffic study @ the Mboro Credit Union so guess what u can do the traffic study @ the Shelbyville Credit Union 2. Gr8. This Duncan Malkmus d00d is spending his March break @ the Shelbyville Credit Union doing a traffic study.
I was rilly pissed on the ride back 2 Mboro an' told Mr M that I was going 2 tell my dad an' hed b fired. Mr M just laffed @ me an' said, I dont think u r going 2 tell, Dunky, 'cos Ive got a CD ROM full of fotos my nabes took of yr NYE partee locked up in my safety deposit box an' if u tell Im going 2 give the fotos 2 yr dad an' Luggie an' aft u finish serving yr sentence @ the Mboro Youth Detention Centre u will b spending the rest of yr life on a goat farm in Barbados so u r going 2 b a v. good boy an' help me get promoted. An' BTW, if u think ne1 @ the Mboro Credit Unions going 2 tell yr dad u did the traffic study think again 'cos they no theyll never shred another paper @ ne Credit Union in Canada evah again if they snitch.
Mr Psycho dropped me off @ the Mboro Mall. I had 2 w8 1/2 hr 4 the bus an' my 'rents have grounded me 4 being l8 4 dinner. Now I hafta go an' fotoshop more baby fotos.
L8r. Much l8r.
p.s. ****, ****, ****. Bratto still has my PSP. Like Ill evah get it back.
At 9:33 PM,
howard said…
Well, this was an interesting turn of events. The chef at La Crème de la Crème de Milborough came out to visit with us and April recognized her. She remembered her from a magazine cover from the magazine her brother works on, Portrait. I know April really doesn’t read Portrait, except to scan for articles accusing her of murdering her dog, Farley. However, her mother keeps multiple copies all around the house.
I think Becky and April were both surprised at how pretty she is. April said, “When you were on the Portrait magazine cover where my brother works, you were pretty, but you are a lot prettier now.” My chef friend said, “That is very kind of you to say. That was a good photo shoot and your brother was very kind to me. It was the last one before my career was ruined.” Becky said, “How did it get ruined?” My chef friend said, “I would rather not talk about it. It will open too many wounds.” Becky said, “What did you do? Murder? Theft?” My chef friend said, “Nothing so tawdry. In the modeling world, you could murder or steal and it would just enhance your reputation. No, in the modeling world, what destroys your career are bad pictures. It was just after that Portrait shoot, I discovered that a series of unflattering photographs were circulated around of me. Photographs that were never intended for people to see, particularly not people in the modeling industry.”
Becky said, “Oh, I get it. Porn shots.” My chef friend said, “No. Not porn shots. In the modeling industry today, pornography pictures would enhance your reputation. No, the pictures were so horrible, I can scarcely think of them.” Then she started to sob and I said, “Lay off Becky. She doesn’t want to talk about it.” Becky said, “Sorry, Chef Sophia. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” My chef friend said, “That’s all right. You are young and curious and you didn’t mean anything by it.” April said, “That’s right, Becky is just curious because she wants to know about modeling for her career.” My chef friend said, “And what is that career?” April said, “Becky’s going to be a music star. She’s interested in modeling, since so many of the girl stars are on magazine covers and sell clothes.” My chef friend said, “Yes. The downfall of the modeling industry will be celebrity models. Well, Becky, I would be glad to tell you all about it, but I have to get back to the kitchen.”
April said, “The food is excellent. Howard was right, when he said that you were as good as he is.” I corrected, “Better than I am." My chef friend said, “Well Howard is very modest. He is a superb chef and I had a lot of fun with him over the holidays. It is too bad he is gay.” After she left, Becky said, “So that’s who you were dating over Christmas?” I said, “They were friendly dates, to make my parents happy. Don’t make anything of that. I’m dating Everett.” April said, “I know more about Sophia than you know, Howard.” Becky said, “Well, spill it, apes.” So, then April told us a story. But she will have to recount that for you, if she cares to.
After April told her story, they both started reading posts from Jeremy Jones. Becky said she needed to leave, so I called a taxi for her. April and I are ordering dessert. Chef Sophia's soufflés are to die for. Becky is really missing out.
Howard K.
At 9:54 PM,
April Patterson said…
sophia's cube. sum of u mite remember she, dee, & carleen pulled a prank on weed & mike in early october. u mite wonder y she agreed 2 participate in a scheme that carleen was involved in, & the reason is that she thot it was worth it 2 get sum revenge against weed. i know this cuz she told dee & dee told me.
she really, really hates mike, tho. this is y she got upset when she heard the name "patterson". when i got up 2 use the washroom, she took me aside 2 talk 2 me abt it. she sed that when mike wrote a cover article abt her 4 portrait, it was supposta b good 4 her career, but that it made her a laughingstock. she sed, "r u close 2 yr brother?" & i filled her in on that 1. she looked relieved & sed she'd get her revenge sumday. i was all, "u go, girl".
well, if i think of more i'll tell u all l8r.
dunc! omg, what a creep that mr. malkmus guy is! :(
(but i'm glad u r ok.)
apes
At 10:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i’m glad ur havin’ a gud dinner w/howard. rebeccah got here a few minutes ago n a taxi & sed she wuz here 2 comfort me. my mom sed, “gud. i am beginning 2 wondah ‘bout him, w/all the crying he’z been doin’. i didn’t know he wuz such a pansy. becky mcguire, u can visit w/jeremy but none of wut u did last nite w/making him fall down. he had big bruises cross hiz head frum that.” rebeccah sed, “don’t worry mrs. jones. i’m not gonna injure jeremy. i’m gonna make sure he stops that annoyin’ cryin’.” neway april, if u were worried ‘bout me, u don’t hafta nemore. rebeccah sed she wud take care of everythin’.
At 10:29 PM,
howard said…
Well, I was surprised by April’s story about Chef Sophia. I remembered her sister-in-law’s story about a Sophia, but it never occurred to me it was the same person as my friend. One of the disadvantages of not having unisex washrooms is I miss out on all the good washroom gossip. Sophia spoke so kindly of April’s brother in front of me; I never knew she had a grievance against him. After April told the story I said, “So how long did it take your sister-in-law to tell you this story?” April said, “About a day. Howard. Dee is really not that slow a talker. She just gets interrupted a lot at home.”
April thinks the photographer’s assistant who ruined Sophia’s modeling career was Carleen Stein. I said, “That story was just something my parents told me. I don’t know if it’s true. Chef Sophia has never told me it was true. She is not one for naming names, except in the washroom, I guess. Did she tell you it was Carleen?” April said, “No. But who else could it be? It fits too perfectly.” I said, “It could be lots of people. It seems unlikely it was Carleen Stein, since Chef Sophia was willing to go along with her to play a prank on Josef Weeder.” Then April said, “Maybe she didn’t know it was Carleen until after she did the prank on Josef. Or maybe she went along with the prank, so Carleen wouldn’t know that she knew it was Carleen. Or maybe she doesn't know it was Carleen at all.” I said, “You have quite an imagination. Chef Sophia has never said an unkind word to me about anyone. Well, that’s not true. She has spoken poorly of Anne Nichols’ cooking to me, but that is quite understandable. Besides, why would Carleen Stein even do something like that? The last time I saw her she was telling Josef Weeder he was making dumb decisions.” Then April said, “Oh, there’s another story you don’t know about Sophia, Carleen and Josef Weeder.” Then she told me another story. Curiouser and curiouser.
Howard K.
At 10:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
I went over to your house tonight to see you, but you weren't there. Instead, your father answered the door. I said, "Hello, Dr. Patterson, I have come to woo my April May-rion flower," he said. Dr. Patterson said, "You mean my little April Martian? Come right in." As he took my coat, he asked, "Are you April's new best friend?" And I said, "I hope I am her best friend, but that is nothing new. We have been together for over three years now." And Dr. Patterson said, "Nuts! I am going to find out who April's new best friend is and kill him. Maybe then I can get my best friend back." Then Dr. Patterson said, "I know it's not that Rebeccah McGuire girl. She's a selfish, heartless musical whore who is missing out on the joys of friendship." I didn't say anything.
Then Mrs. Patterson came into the room. She asked me to stay for dinner. She made a very unusual casserole for dinner, and I guess there was extra because April, as it turns out, had gone out with Howard and Becky. So I stayed.
I was hoping for at least a little taste of fat or sugar for dinner. I got both! Mrs. Patterson put a large casserole dish on the table and lifted the lid. "Wah-lah!" she said. "Blackened Butt Steak Casserole in Savory Butter and Cream Gravy!" Then she put a huge bowl of mashed potatoes on the table. But not just any kind of mashed potatoes. "These are my special Homemade Mashed Potatoes with Real Butter and Cream," Mrs. Patterson told me. There were no green vegetables in sight. I was in heaven.
Dr. and Mrs. Patterson both said that they were pleased to have my company because I could entertain them. I admit that I did not talk much at all because I was too busy eating three helpings of dinner. But April's parents had a very interesting conversation.
Mrs.P: I was at our lawyer's office all afternoon. Our lawsuits are progressing quite nicely.
Dr.P: Lawsuits, plural?
Mrs.P: Yes! The lawsuit against the treadmill manufacturer, and my new lawsuit against Oprah.
Dr.P: You're going to sue Oprah?
Mrs.P: Yes! That awful woman has ruined my reputation as a tasteful and informed bookseller in this town!
Dr.P: That's your reputation?
Mrs.P: Not anymore! Now people think I sell books with lies in them. Now people think I am an undereducated nitwit who puts on intellectual airs.
Dr.P: Well, you did drop out of college.
Mrs.P: I went back and got my degree!
Dr.P: At night school. In creative writing.
Mrs.P: What exactly are you saying?
Dr.P: Nothing. Pass the potatoes, please.
Mrs.P: What I am saying is, my position as the scion of Milborough's great literary community has been destroyed by Oprah! I relied upon her endorsement! That entitles me to an award of cash damages!
Dr.P: Does it?
Mrs.P: Yes! That's what Rod Steel says. Mr. Steel is going to handle the suit against Oprah.
Dr.P: Do you know how much this is going to cost us in lawyer's fees?
Mrs.P: No, but fortunately, our position as the wealthy patrons of all Milborough businessment is secure. I am so thankful that you made solid investments in good, old-economy industries like railroads, instead of in tech stocks. We are set for life.
Dr.P: Yes, model railroads will always be a solid investment.
Mrs.P: Anyway, Mr. Cheatem and Mr. Steel need a retainer up front. How much is in April's college fund?
Dr.P: College fund?
Mrs.P: Didn't we remember to start a college fund for her?
Dr.P: Does April still live here?
Mrs.P: I think so. It's hard to remember. All our kids are so grown up.
Dr.P: Maybe it's time she moved out. We haven't been getting along anyway.
Mrs.P: Excellent notion.
Dr.P: Then I could turn her room into my recreation of the Trans-Siberian Railway.
Mrs.P: No, dear. We'll need that room when Michael and Deanna move in. I talked to the Kelpfroths the other night. For $500 US plus plaster repair costs, they agreed to start pounding on the ceiling again while Wilf and Mira were over for dinner.
Dr.P: How did that go?
Mrs.P: I haven't heard yet. How do you like dinner, dear?
Dr.P: I think I feel my arteries hardening.
Mrs.P: What was that?
Dr.P: I think I feel my adoration growing. For your food, that is. Don't worry, I mean it in a non-sexual way.
Mrs.P: Anyway, when I win my big lawsuit against Oprah and the treadmill and earbud people, we can afford to put our whole plan in motion.
Dr.P: What plan is that again?
Mrs.P: You're so thick sometimes.
Then Mrs. P got up from the dinner table, dimmed the lights, and set up an old-fashioned film strip projector at one end of the dining room table. She sat there, feeding herself with one hand and flipping the strip with the other.
The first frame of the filmstrip said, "Project Happily Ever After."
The second frame said, "Step One: Make Michael and Deanna realize that There's No Place Like Home."
The third frame was a list that went like this:
"1. Obnoxious neighbors. (check)
2. Injuries to grandchildren. (check)
3. Mysterious fire w/ fatalities.
4. Drive-by shooting of landlady."
The fourth frame said, "Step Two: The Tony Soprano Solution. Hire a hitman to kill the mean old couple that is hogging the Perfect Choo-Choo House down the street."
The fifth frame said, "Step Three: The Precious Precocious Change-of-Life Baby Surprise, Part Two. Send April on a foreign exchange program to Barbados for the last two years of high school. (Coordinate with Mrs. Anderson.)"
The sixth frame said, "Step Four: Reverse Psychology. Convince Michael and Deanna to accept the gift of the Old Homestead."
The seventh frame was a list that went like this:
"1. Tell them they can pay you back for it 'when they have the money.'
2. Tell them Mira hates the idea.
3. Tell them they are doing you a favor by taking this big old house off your hands.
4. Remind them that you are just trying to put the grand in grandma.
5. If necessary, forced relocation.
a. Mysterious Fire, Part 2, aka Total Immolation.
b. Drive-By Shooting, Part 2, aka Mike, The Lonely Widower."
I found this filmstrip to be far more disturbing than the filmstrips I remember from Grades 2 and 3. I was about to complain about the Barbados school exchange part of the plan when Mrs. Patterson said, "Time for dessert!" and brought out a large tray laden with pastries. "It's butter tarts with clotted cream and heaps of strawberry jam!" she told me.
Now I am waiting upstairs in April's room for her to return home. I hope she gets here soon. I am experiencing some slight gastric distress from all the dairy I consumed at dinner. I think I may be lactose intolerant.
Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 11:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i hope u had fun @dinner. i have been rilly depressed cuz of my break-up w/alexandra. u know i worked rilly hard on that relationship. i have nevah worked that hard on a relationship b4 n my life, cuz i thot she wuz the 1. my dad nevah worked on hiz relationship w/mom & i thot if i rilly worked @it, i wudn’t b like my dad. i wuz wrong, like usual.
well, i read thru that “dear john” letter alexandra gave me that i thot wuz 4 the guy in the states & i realized it wuz rilly 4 me. it sed:
actually, i don't think i ever did 'love' you but i know i had feelings for you that were stronger than 'like' ... and that's gone.
uc, i luv alexandra, but no mattah how much i luv her, it duzn’t make ne difference if she duzn’t luv me back. n fact, she nevah luvved me back. the whole tyme we were d8ing. not wen we were watchin’ hockey 2gethah or wen she sat w/me when i wuz doin’ sound 4 rebeccah or wen we danced 2getha or wen she spent the nite sleepin’ n my armz or how xxcited she luked wen i brot her coffee. then there were the thingz i put up w/4 her. the tymez wen i hadta sit on my handz 4 a whole hockey game or got insulted by her famly or hit n the head by her sis. all that wuz 4 nothing. alexandra didn’t love me any of thoze tymez. not 1. not evn a little bit of a tyme. not 1 iota. not evn an infinitesimally small tyme. the littlest tyme that there iz n the whole world. she didn't luv me evn that long. i wuz just foolin’ myself thinkin’ ne1 cud luv a 14-year-old guy who luks like a 40-year-old man.
gud thing rebeccah iz here 2 comfort me. rebeccah haz an inneresting way of comforting. wenever i start cryin’ she kisses me 2 make me feel bettah. of course, i dunno if it’s actually 2 make me feel bettah or just 2 stop me frum cryin’. & sum of thoze kisses make me a little dizzy.
i nevah realized wut a gud friend rebeccah iz till 2nite. imagine u comin’ ovah 2 comfort geranium aftah he broke up w/u 2 date charmaine lebuke & then broke up w/charmaine lebuke (not that gerund wud evah d8 charmaine, but u know wut i mean). it wud b like that—a true test of friendship. rebeccah iz a true friend.
oh, i gotta stop posting. rebeccah sez i am cryin’ again & i needta b comforted sum more.
At 11:40 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
You're not at your place. Are you planning to stay with Jeremy all night?
Well, I dropped April home and her parents met her at the door. They said, "Gerald is here and he has locked himself in the bathroom and is making these horrible noises. We need you to talk to him." April got a panicked look on her face and ran to the bathroom. I was briefly tempted to follow her in, when I remembered what was left in your bathroom after Gerald came to visit you. I wasn't in the mood to see that again.
Since you're with Jeremy, I think I will head back to my apartment. Call me if you need me.
Howard K.
At 12:07 AM,
howard said…
Becky,
I have been reading this book that April found for me. It turns out that you can sign contracts that can give away your creative control for pretty much forever and it is really dangerous for young artists, because they don't know any better. I need to check over that contract the manager left for you again.
Howard K.
At 12:09 AM,
Anonymous said…
rebeccah, don't b mad @me. that xxample w/charmaine lebuke wuz just an xxample. i know u broke up with me. i got the scarz 2 prove it. i just messed up w/alexandra. i don't wanna mess up w/u2. that wud b2 much 2 take. it wuz just an xxample that april cud unnerstand. don't b mad.
At 1:35 AM,
howard said…
Becky,
What? How could that possibly work with me dressed up like your dad? This is your mom and Dr. McCauley, you‘re talking about, right? I think they have seen your dad before, like a few days ago. I would be glad to be there to counsel you, but I don’t think my going disguised as your dad is a good idea. There is no way I would be able to pull that off.
Howard K.
At 1:54 AM,
howard said…
Becky,
I said I would be glad to be there to counsel you. Why is it necessary that I go in disguise? Wait a minute! Did you find my trunk of disguises?
Howard K.
At 2:30 AM,
howard said…
Becky,
You have quite a memory. I had completely forgotten you had borrowed my wigs for a time. I will see if I can come up with a lawyer disguise and read up on the book April got me today. Will that make you happy?
Howard K.
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