Mira "Bam-Bam" Sobinski
Oh, man. I M sooooooo tired! Ger & I musta dozed off when we were makin' out in 1 of the bedrooms @ Cindilu Sera Tonin's party last nite. We woke up @ around 3:30 this morning & found the party was still goin' on. Becks, Jeremy, & Alex had shown up, & Ger was all wantin' 2 show them how dancing is supposta B done. Ger! LOL! NEway, that party was the bomb. Vicks, no joke abt the yrbookers having all the best partiez. I was sorry 2 C Gordie got himself hurt doing his sk8board stunts in Cindilu's empty pool!
So, another e-mail from Dee:
So the big shindig @ Becks's 2day. Her Dad's celebration 4 getting outta the 1/2way house. Ger, Dunc & I R gonna B playing backup 4 Becks. Becks sez I should wear the red dress & opera gloves. I've gotta go 2 the mall & buy sum opera gloves! Oh, & my 'rents R gonna B @ the party, so wish us luck. Cuz my 'rents being NEwhere is not usually a v. good thing.
Apes
So, another e-mail from Dee:
'April':So, that's the latest. More on Monday, I'm guessing. Tomorrow, I'll talk about something else.
Sorry I'm telling this story in 'dribs' and 'drabs', but my life is just full of interruptions! So, back to that 'night'.
You will remember that my 'mother' was jumping up and down like a 'mental' patient to retaliate against the banging from our downstairs 'neighbours'. So, of course, they banged again, and 'Mother' said, "That does it. I'm going downstairs." I told her to let it go, but she said, "Not a chance!" As she was clomping down the stairs, I told her, "Mother, we have to live here!" Then, as she was banging "BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM!" on their door, I thought, "For a while....anyway." I have no idea why I had that weird 'ellipsis' in my thought, 'April', but the next thing that happened was--
Oh, shoot! 'April'! I have to go because that 'brother' of yours is shouting from the attic. Poor little 'Merrie' has wandered up there looking for attention from her 'father'.
'Dee'
So the big shindig @ Becks's 2day. Her Dad's celebration 4 getting outta the 1/2way house. Ger, Dunc & I R gonna B playing backup 4 Becks. Becks sez I should wear the red dress & opera gloves. I've gotta go 2 the mall & buy sum opera gloves! Oh, & my 'rents R gonna B @ the party, so wish us luck. Cuz my 'rents being NEwhere is not usually a v. good thing.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:26 AM
33 Comments:
At 9:42 AM,
Anonymous said…
Hello, Becky, I saw your comment about not wanting me to "date" Everett Callahan. Howard assures me he doesn't mind, but if you think it hurts him and he's not letting on, I'd better reconsider accepting Everett's invitation to your big party today.
As Howard mentioned, Everett used me as a "beard" again for a soirée he had to attend yesterday evening. There were quite a few medical-dental people there, and we had a very strange encounter with a dentist named Elliot Everett. He looked and talked almost exactly the same as Everett C., and he had a date with a woman who looked and sounded very similar to me. Her name is Annabeth Marjee, and she's a hairdresser, too. She has a booth at Supercuts at the Milborough Mall. I got the impression that she and Elliot are not exactly an item, either, IYKWIM.
Everett has some serious issues about maintaining a "straight" persona in certain crowds. We had to dance a specific number of dances (three fast, four slow), kiss twice (once demurely, once passionately), and we had to be seen holding hands at least once by certain specific people, including Dr. Ted McCauley. And Becky, I see what you mean about him being creepy.
Marjee
At 11:26 AM,
Anne said…
Marjee, I'm so glad yr living it up while Maynard's up the river. :-) Serves him right!
So NEway, Apes, I know u wanted an upd8 on how our JV curling guys did, and lemme tell u, they mopped the floor (or brushed it, 2 b exact) with the Central Etobicoke team, winning it 10-2. Gordie wants 2 out 4 the JV squad now, which would b safer than skateboarding....
Speaking of which, he's OK now. I was talking 2 Cindilu about good SLR cameras on the patio--she wanted 2 go outside 2 smoke--when I heard this "THUD!" noize. Gordie whacked his head n the deep end of the pool when trying 2 do a McTwist. We looked over, & there were actually stars & birds circling his head. He said he didn't need 2 go to the hospital, even tho he looked woozy. So he spent the rest of the evening w/an ice pack on his forehead. & his left arm hurt, but he didn't think it was NEthing serious.
Good thing he's right-handed, tho. He just txt-msged me from Our Lady of Divine Health Hospital--his mom took him there bcause he was hurting bad this morning--& he has a fractured left arm and a concussion. So now he's gonna be bedridden 4 the next 2 weeks. :-( My mom just said she thot we were getting 2 serious 4 r age, so I guess we have some time off whether we like it or not.
I know u've got Becks' party 2nite, but if u or NEone else wants 2 meet me @ Horny Tim's 2day, I'll buy ur drinks. I could use the company right now!
Vicks
At 11:38 AM,
Anne said…
I take back what I said about Gordie being OK--it's not cube 2 b bedridden! I just want it 2 b true. *sigh* I'm gonna download more songs 2 my iPod 2 4get about it & then go 2 Horny Tim's.
Vicks
At 11:43 AM,
April Patterson said…
hey, vicks, i just got my opera gloves! i'll drop them @ home & then join u 4 sum coffee. i can only stay a lil while cuz then i hafta go 2 becks's & get ready 4 the party.
sorry 2 hear abt gordie!
apes
At 12:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
I got permission to take today off in order to help Becky prepare for her party. My father says I deserve a reward for finally managing to "snag a ho." I decided not to tell him the truth since it is beneficial to me. At least not yet. I hope you are not hurt or offended in any way.
I am sure you are all wondering where I learned my superior dance moves. My secret is that I like to put on old Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers movies and dance along with them. I asked Mom to make my brother be my partner. This is why I would choose a different brother. He is what we dance aficionados call an "angry dancer." However, I think dancing with him has helped my technique. It is much easier to perform well on the dance floor because my brother always makes me be Ginger Rogers. So I learned all the moves backwards and in high heels. It is therefore a snap when I am at an actual event and able to dance the boy part without fear of a titty twister or noogies.
See you all tonight!
Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 1:12 PM,
Anne said…
Xcellent, Apes & Alex. I'll c u @ Horny Tim's soon. :-)
Ger, Gordie told me u picked up this video 2 learn some of these moves. Me & Apes & Cindilu were so waiting 4 u 2 show off your mad skillz last nite....lol
Vicks
At 1:46 PM,
April Patterson said…
i m now @ becky's helping w/the final preps. i told ger that it does hurt my feelingz he can't convince his dad that i'm not inadequate. but what can u do?
apes
p.s. it was nice having coffee w/alex & vicks, tho i didn't get 2 c much of vicks, it was almost "hi-bye" since i had 2 rush out & get ready.
At 2:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra, that wuz a strange post. y wud ur 'rents give u a new computer 2 break thingz off w/ur sister? i know u2 fite sumtymez, but i nevah thot ur 'rents wanted that 2 happen. if u needta talk 2 me, i am over @rebeccah'z doin' setup 4 her partee. i had a gud tyme @the partee w/u last nite, evn tho i didn't get 2 dance w/u. i unnerstand 'bout thoze viruses. thanx 4 not gettin' mad wen rebeccah wunted 2 dance. that wuz rilly cube of u.
At 2:45 PM,
April Patterson said…
so, the party's all set up & i'm back home 2 change & get myself ready. geez, alex, yr 'rents sound kinda harsh!
apes
At 2:56 PM,
howard said…
April,
As you know, I am over at Becky’s house helping her prepare for her party. Even though she wouldn’t let me do the food (still sulking), she did agree to at least let help decorate. Thanks a lot for your help.
Also thanks for helping me convince Becky to let me put Zeus and Apollo into their tuxedoes instead of her, and not until the last minute, because they are just going to chew them up. She was trying to wrestle them down herself, which wasn’t working because I think they each outweigh her. I remember from my days as a dog a few certain strokes and noises that will work to keep you calm while having human clothes placed on you. (I still haven’t forgiven Becky for that pink sweater she put me in when I was a dog, nor the pictures she took afterwards, but I am working on it. It was not cube of her to show those pictures to you either.)
However, I think Becky was a little miffed I had not told her about my postcard and Christmas card from Bruiser, which you got to see. He is going by the name “Contusioneur” now. I know Becky was pretty excited to see them and know that he is all right. I really didn’t know why she would think he was in any real trouble. He’s well capable of taking care of himself.
Per your recommendation, I talked to Everett about us tonight, and he basically told me that, despite your parents being more open about him, he doesn’t feel comfortable with the whole medical group that will be there, particularly one Dr. McCauley. I told him I understood, which was a little bit of a white lie. He will arrive with Marjee Mahaha tonight. I did coordinate with Marjee to make sure that we were not wearing the same dress, to avoid any serious embarrassment. I think she likes being Everett’s beard a little. She gets to hang out with a very different crowd than she did with Maynard. I guess if Everett has to be someone else, Marjee is a good choice. She’s much better than the dental assistant at your dad’s office, Jennifer, who hits on him all the time.
See you when you get back,
Howard K.
At 4:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
Everybody looks so elegant! I'm concerned about Howard. He's been saying he doesn't mind me being Everett's "straight date", but I couldn't miss the hurt in his eyes when he saw us arriving together.
Becky and her friends started their first set about fifteen minutes ago. They are doing Birth-Dad Thor's favourite songs, I think. He's already getting emotional, saying "Marjee, you don't know what it means to me to have my bastard daughter and my legit daughter together honouring me like this!"
Well, Everett wants to dance, so time to go!
Marjee
At 5:24 PM,
howard said…
My eyes! My eyes! Orque and Thorvald in tuxedoes! Actually they don’t look too bad. I don’t know why I was having a hard time imagining it. Well, actually I do. There was this one time in jail when…
Anyway, Everett has been dancing exclusively with Marjee, so I thought I could dance with either Orque or Thorvald. Orque said, “I’m would love to, but I’m working and I don’t want to be cut by Thorvald for fraternizing with the guests.” So, I asked Thorvald, and he informed me his dances were saved for a very special lady. I said, “Becky is doing the music, so she can’t dance with you.” Then this older lady appeared by Thorvald’s side and Thorvald said, “My date for the evening, school counselor Mrs. Henrietta Huggins.” I introduced myself and she said, “It is so good to meet yet another person with whom darling Thorvald has been intimate. It seems like he has been intimate with almost every person here.” Thorvald said, “No one underage.” Mrs. Huggins said, “But of course, Thorvald, honey. I see my ex-husband, the retired doctor, is here and that tramp he married. Let’s go cut a rug. I want him to see me with my young stud!” Thorvald said, “But of course, Henrietta, darling.” So, no luck there.
Oh, good. Vicki Simone is coming to talk to me. I wonder if she wants to dance. She seems like the kind of girl who wouldn’t mind dancing with a guy wearing a sapphire blue dress. I wonder if she would be willing to lead?
Howard K.
At 5:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
this party stinks. alexandra hazn’t come 2 talk 2 me 1ce & i think i saw her dancin’ w/anothah guy. course i am wrong. alexandra wudn’t do that. doin’ the sound here iz difficult. it haz 2b loud enuff 4 peeps 2 hear rebeccah, but not so loud 2 make the old peeps mad & the acoustics r constantly changin’ w/peeps movin’ n the room. i hafta adjust every song. so, it iz keepin’ me bizzy.
we’re between sets now & i can’t find alexandra newhere. mebbe she’z n the bathroom. i decided 2 post, while i am w8ing.
rebeccah soundz gud, but duncan iz distracted. b4 the 1st set he wuz talkin’ 2 april ‘bout tryin’ 2 start their band up again w/a different singer than rebeccah. april wuz, “i can’t do it. we have a pretty heavy semester comin’ up, & i've got my job @ the bookstore & my music lessons w/mr. bergan.” duncan sed, “lessonz, schmessonz. u don’t have that much 2 do. don’t give me that lessonz bizness. gerald wunts 2, & he’z on the basketball & hockey teamz.” i can tell april mite cave n2 dunc, cuz she wuz rilly getting’ n2 playin’. it’s obvious she misses 4-evah. if they do get back 2gether, i am gonna hafta find sum othah backup for rebeccah.
creepy mccauley is rilly creepin’ me out. he haz been dancin’ w/rebeccah’z mom rite n front of her dad a lot. &then wen he iz not dancin’ he’z ovah with sum guy i think i recognize, talkin’ 2 him a lot & pointin’ @rebeccah. i think i know this guy frum sum stuff w/my dad. but i’m not sure.
oh, there’z alexandra. i gotta go.
At 6:05 PM,
April Patterson said…
correction, how my hair usta look until i was 11. sheesh. it's not in a ponytail 2day. it's down & cute w/that nice layered cut marjee gave me. woo!
howard's rite, dunc mite just convince me 2 revive 4evah w/him & dunc. i m having so much fun playing again!
apes
At 6:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
Becks, what is that Mary Worth woman's problem? Geez!
Marjee
At 6:31 PM,
April Patterson said…
whatevs, my hair looks like this now, not this. big diff 2 me.
apes
At 6:37 PM,
howard said…
Well, I got my first dance with Vicki Simone, but she didn’t want to lead. One of the nice things about being gay is you learn to dance both directions. After we danced, I went back with her to talk to Eva. She said, “Dancing is interesting this year, isn’t it.” I said, “Yes it is. Would you like to dance with a man wearing a dress?” She said, “I don’t know if I can make that kind of commitment. I think taking on the yearbook coverage of basketball may be enough for me.” Well, Vicki wouldn’t stand for that, so I got a dance with Eva.
After the dance with Eva, she was very happy to get off the dance floor to talk with Vicki. I don’t blame her. I am a little much to take for a 15-year-old girl, who’s new to the area.
Walking around, I ran into Judge Parker and Rex Morgan, M.D. They were standing together, hugging and sobbing a little. I went over to see what the problem was. Judge Parker said, “Oh there’s no problem. We were just talking about someone very dear to us from the old days.” Dr. Morgan said, “Nicholas P. Dallis was a one and only. They don’t make them like that anymore.” Judge Parker said, “When they made him they broke the mold. Good old Nicholas.” Then they started sobbing again.
It was a little too much crying for me, but then my ears were attracted to some more crying. Standing with Mary Worth was a fat, balding man with glasses and a young woman who appeared to have taped her brown hair to the side of her head. It was the man doing the crying. He was saying, “I should never have recommended in my Ask Wendy column for Workaholics Wife to get divorced. She and her husband might have been able to work it out. I feel so guilty. Plus, now she is suing me for wrongful counsel and emotional distress.” The girl was saying, “Dad. We’ll just have to wait and see what the lawyers can do.” Mary Worth said, “It’s so unfortunate that people cannot follow my advice which has been completely accurate and totally worthwhile for over 70 years. I can assure you that waiting for lawyers to do something is a waste of time. I promise you Wilbur, I will do my best to find out who Workaholics Wife really is and I will meddle like I have never meddled before on your behalf.” The young woman said, “Really, Mary!? Would you do that for my dad?” Mary said, “Certainly Dawn. As long as Wilbur promises to always take my advice.”
That was as much as I could stand to hear. I said, “Listen, Wilbur. I don’t know anything about you, but I do know that taking the advice of Mary Worth is always a huge mistake.” Mary Worth said, “And who are you?” I said, “I am the great grandnephew of Augustus Kelpfroth, who made the mistake of following your advice back in 1935.” Mary looked at me curiously and said, “Ah. Augustus. I remember him now. I told him to join the Nazi party as I recollect. Augustus wanted to enter politics and they were the up-and-coming party. Whatever happened to dear Augustus?” I said, “Brutally murdered.” Mary said, “Well. It’s all for the best. Augustus was really a dreadful speaker. He would never have lasted in politics. Another success story of mine.” Wilbur and Dawn gave Mary an odd look. Then Mary said, “Oh don’t worry. My advice has gotten better since then. Just look at the positive effect I had on the life of Rita Begler.” Wilbur and Dawn stared at each other again and then at Mary with a look of distrust. That look of distrust was all I needed. My work there was done.
Oh, Becky is motioning to me. Got to go.
Howard K.
At 7:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, u needta come outa the powder room & stop worryin' 'bout ur hair, cuz this iz big.
rebeccah wuz tryin' 2 get n there 2 calm u down, wen her mom & creepy mccauley & that guy i recognized b4 called her ovah. they had an intense convo & i cud tell rebeccah wuz shaken by it.
aftah she wuz done talkin’ 2 them, i sed, “rebeccah. wussup?” she sed, “that guy ovah there. he’z a professional manager. he sed my performance haz been so gud he wunts 2 give me a recordin’ contract & go on tour & get my own reality tv show.” i sed, “thass fantastic. y do u luk so sad? i mean, izn’t that everythin’ u alwayz wunted?” rebeccah sed, “u don’t unnerstand jeremy. he wud b my manager & not my dad. i wud get 2 sing the songz, but i wudn’t rite them. n the concertz, all i wud do iz change costumez & lip synch & dance. n the reality tv show, i wud hafta pretend 2b a rilly stupid, stuck-up, angry teenager & work off a script. plus, i wud b on tour every year ‘till i turned 18. i wud do all my hi skool w/a tutor. i wudn’t live n mboro nemore. plus, i wud have a pro crew & u wudnt b part of it. i wud b jus’ like ashlee simpson, xxcept i can sing & i am a lot prettier.” i sed, “wow! wow! wow! i can’t b-lieve it. it’s got bad parts, but a lot of gud parts 2.” rebeccah sed, “jeremy, it’s cuz creepy mccauley wunts 2 get rid of me. he can’t convince my mom 2 put me n a boarding skool. so he gets me tourin’ all the tyme & duz the same thing. the difference iz, my mom luvs the idea. she sez she will just come & visit me wherever it iz that i am singing. & the way my gradez went last semester, she’z convinced i will do bettah w/a private tutor.” i sed, “did u sign nething? wut r gonna do?” rebeccah sed, “i told them i couldn’t make ne decisions ‘till i talked 2 my dad, but i dunno. it’s so obvious wut creepy iz tryin’ 2 do, but on the othah hand, it’s like almost everything i evah wunted.” i sed, “wutever u decide, i am w/u rebeccah. evn if it meanz not workin’ 4u nemore. don’t decide thinkin’ ur puttin’ me outa a job.” rebeccah sed, “thanx. jeremy. yeah, that wuz my main concern. i’m gonna talk 2 my dad, now.” she’z talkin’ 2 her dad & the convo luks intense.
At 7:18 PM,
April Patterson said…
i'm back. sorry abt that guyz. man, i lost a cup size fr. using thoze kleenex. gd thing i had a coupla knee-hi's in my duffel bag & remembered that trick liz told me abt stuffing a swimsuit top.
becks is motioning she wants us 2 start our next set.
apes
At 7:24 PM,
howard said…
I am furious right now. I knew Dr. McCauley was up to something. I just knew it. But does anyone listen to me. No.
Becky told me about her offer from the business manager recommended by Ted McCauley and I told her to refuse him and keep her artistic integrity. That's more important than money or fame. Of course, Becky had to point out that thanks to my integrity I had not done light opera in months, like I needed to be reminded of that. I suppose she was just trying to make a point and I should focus my ire on Dr. McCauley and not Becky.
After she talked with me, she talked with her dad. I don't know how that went. I think I will go ask Thorvald, while Becky is doing her second set.
Howard K.
At 7:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
The kids are doing "Put a Little Love in Your Heart", at Birth-Dad Thor's request. Becky has such a beautiful voice. BDT's holding up a lighter and mouthing,
And the world will be a better place
And the world will be a better place
For you and me
You just wait and see
And he's tearing up. Again.
Marjee
At 7:45 PM,
howard said…
I tried to talk to Thorvald about what he and Becky had said, but he kept saying, "Not now Howie. My little girl's singing." So, I guess I am going to have to wait.
Oh, Neddy Spencer just asked me to dance. She said, "This is a slow dance. It is perfect. Stand really close to me. I think dancing with you might just put my mother over the edge. She will accept any boy I want to marry after this." She's weird, but she appears to be a good dancer.
Howard K.
At 8:06 PM,
howard said…
While I was dancing with Neddy Spencer, she said, “Now Mr. Transvestite Man. Give me a big kiss. No. Wait until we are right in front of my mother.” I said, pointing to Everett and Marjee, “After that, can we kiss in front of those two?” Neddy said, “All right. Is one of them a former lover of yours?” I said, “Well actually both of them are.” Neddy said, “Mr. Transvestite Man. You are kinky, but you are an excellent dancer. Maybe you could teach my boyfriend Bob.” I said I would think about it.
Oh, Mr. Dithers wants something. Got to go.
At 8:15 PM,
April Patterson said…
man, who invited cathy andrews & irving hillman?
ooh, five-minute break is over!
apes
At 9:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
Oh, good, Irving is having a conversation with that Mary Worth woman. He won't notice if I have a few snacks. And a few more snacks. And some more. Hmm, I wonder if I can find a larger plate?
Cathy
At 9:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hm, I can't explain why, but seeing Howard making out with Neddy what's-her-name made me feel funny. Like maybe even a little jealous? It made Everett want to do a super-sensual dance routine with me. Odd, very odd.
Marjee
At 10:03 PM,
howard said…
Just had an interesting conversation with Dr. John Patterson, Dagwood Bumstead, Julius Dithers, Prince Valiant, and Irving Hillman. Julius Dithers called me over and said, “This Rebeccah McGuire isn’t going to be expensive is she? I know my wife Cora wanted her for our housewarming after she played at Bumstead’s anniversary party. She has a tendency to want expensive things.” I told him I thought Becky’s price was reasonably priced for the entertainment. Julius said, “That’s good. I never know when it comes to my wife and Bumstead’s wife. I dread it whenever she goes on a shopping spree with Blondie.” Dagwood agreed there, “That’s the truth, Mr. Dithers. Those sprees wreck our budget every time.” Julius said, “What would you know about keeping to budgets, Bumstead, as many as you have wrecked at J.C. Dithers & Co.?” Dagwood said, “I was just agreeing with you, Mr. Dithers. Blondie loses her mind when she goes shopping.” Irving Hillman said, “Shopping. Let me tell you about losing a mind over shopping. My wife is the queen of brainless shopping. My wife Cathy has a whole shopping ritual. ‘Try on the clothes. Get depressed about the way you look in it. Talk to the sales clerk. Get depressed about what the cost of the clothes are. Buy the clothes. Put them in a closet and never wear them because they don’t match your shoes.’ It’s just nuts.” Prince Valiant said, “Verily, my wife fair Aleta, Queen of the Misty Isles has sent clothiers to the gallows for using clothing hues improper for royalty.” John Patterson said, “You’re kidding right?” Prince Valiant said, “A loyal and trusted knight of King Arthur does not kid.” Dagwood said, “What about your wife, John? Does she break the bank when she shops?” John said, “My wife, Elly, does like to shop, but I don’t think she actually gets clothes. I have seen her shop for clothes for our daughter, but Elly usually wears the same drab pants, shirts and dresses she has worn for 27 years. She is not nearly as stylish a dresser as Blondie or Aleta or Cora or even Cathy.” Julius Dithers said, “I will take a nice woman like your Elly any day over my Cora when she calls me a ‘short, fat, sawed-off, tin-can Napoleon’, and beats me with her umbrella.” Irving said, “Or over my Cathy when she says, ‘AACK’ for the 50th time in a single day.” Prince Valiant said, “I must bid you sorrow, noble John, for bearing such a burden. With all my Aleta’s faults, at the end of the day, she is still comely to the eye and a sweet pleasure to the ear.” Dagwood said, “I have to agree with the Prince. His wife is attractive, but I think my Blondie ‘stacks’ up against any woman around.” The other men said, “Stacks. Stacks. Yes, Blondie has a nice stack.” Julius said, “Well, Cora has a nice sized pair of lungs too, but they are not something you would want to look at for too long.” Irving said, “Well Cathy says the smaller ones are more sensitive and so they are better.” The other men said, “You keep on believing that, Irving.” John Patterson said, “What are we talking about?” Prince Valiant said, “Why noble John, we speak of our fair wives’ bosoms and the sizes thereof.” John Patterson said, “I kind of remember what those looked like. It’s been awhile since I have seen them in the light.” The other men said, “Sorry, John.” Prince Valiant said, “Would you like me to speak to your fair wife about husbandly privilege?” John Patterson said, “Are you armed?” Prince Valiant said, “I wield the magic Singing Sword, Flamberg, which has borne me victorious through many battles.” John said, “I appreciate the offer, but you would be slaughtered.” The other men said, “Annihilated. Massacred. Thrashed.” While they were mumbling war terms, I wandered off. It was a discussion I had a hard time relating to.
Howard K.
At 10:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
rebeccah finished her last set & i have the pre-recorded dance musick goin' 4 the peeps who r still here. mosta the old folks have alreddy left. rebeccah got sum tentative gigz outa the party, but u know nothing's solid ‘till it’s n riting & money haz changed handz.
i wuz hopin' 2 talk 2 alexandra, but i can't find her & i can't go luk 4 her, cuz i hafta monitor the dance track. rebeccah asked me 2 dance a few tymez & i figured it wuz ok, since alexandra let me dance w/rebeccah last nite. rebeccah iz a gud dancer. she evn duz that butt-grabbing stuff like they do w/the latin salsa dances. i guess it's cuz of the choreography she haz been learnin' 4 her act that she'z knowz that kinda stuff. i just wish she had shorter nails, or @least duller nails.
rebeccah still hazn't tol' me her answer 2 creepy mccauley'z agent. he iz a real agent. i remembah him frum stuff w/my dad. i thot he mite b sum actor creepy hired 2 fool rebeccah, but now that i think 'bout that, creepy mccauley knowz rebeccah iz 2 smart 2b fooled by that. it cud b a legit offer, cuz every1 gets sumthin' they wunt. rebeccah gets 2b a star & she duzn't hafta live w/creepy cuz she will b on the road. but she hazta give up sum things that r rilly mportant 2 her. howard wuz all ‘bout, “don’t take the deal. keep ur artistic integrity.” i figger a few yearz of sufferin’ r worth a lifetime of famous, u know. i dunno wut her dad sed 2 her. that wud b mportant, cuz she wuz plannin’ 4 her dad 2 manage her career. i say that, but there was a proviso that rebeccah didn’t do ne more prison gigz, aftah that las’ tyme w/the riot.
gerund & april have done a lotta dancin’. he iz so mbarrassin’ 2 watch w/hiz bad ballroom. wen i luk @them, i think either april iz gonna b anothah passive patterson, like her sis; or she iz b-ing rilly, rilly nice 2 put up w/that w/geranium. i think it’s cuz april is rilly, rilly nice. she’z almost az nice az alexandra. where iz she? she may b sumwhere w/eva, cuz they r bff, & i don’t c eva either. oh, vicki simone just asked me 2 dance. i guess that’s ok cuz vicki haz her laid-up bf & alexandra sed it wuz ok 4 me 2 dance w/rebeccah, who duzn’t have a bf. dancin’ iz bettah than sittin’ here like a loozer postin’.
At 11:19 PM,
howard said…
Things I need to note:
1. I got a nice pamphlet from Rex Morgan, M.D. on the 7 major causes of transvestitism.
2. I got a business card from Sam Driver, because he heard I had some legal problems.
3. Abby Spencer slapped my face and told me to stay away from her daughter. Neddy was extremely pleased. She got my number so she can call me to teach her boyfriend Bob how to dance. Bob. Is that a real boyfriend’s name? If I were named Bob, I would definitely go with Robert instead.
4. I finally got a dance with Orque, after Becky told him it was OK to go off duty for a little while.
5. I finally got a dance with Thorvald.
6. I finally got a dance with Mrs. Henrietta Huggins. This sounds a little funny, but after I saw her mambo, it became sort of a primal need.
7. Anne Nichols food was reasonably good and I complimented her on it. Oh, that is such a lie. It was awful. Who taught her how to do seasoning? The Swedish Chef? Of course it didn’t seem to make any difference to Cathy Andrews and Elly Patterson. Nobody eats as much as Elly, but that Cathy was giving her a run for her money. It was strange to see them glaring at each other when there was only one piece of chocolate cake left.
8. The halfway house boys seemed to have limited their looting to the part of the house not connected with Becky’s guest room. What they will do with those pool chairs and that moss-covered 3-handled family credenza, I don’t know.
9. Everett kissed Marjee Mahaha way too many times. Way too many. Way…too…many. I know I antagonized them by kissing Neddy in front of them, but it was still way too many.
10. Rebeccah, April, Duncan, and Gerald sounded pretty good together. Rebeccah’s voice is definitely improving. I remember the first time I heard her sing. She is so much better now. I am very proud of my bud.
11. Prince Valiant is amazing with that sword of his. I have never, and I say this with quite a bit of experience under my belt, seen such accurate cake and pie-cutting. Not only that, but the sword does a crazy melody while he’s doing it.
12. Julius Dithers can take a hit. That umbrella his wife wielded bent all the way around his head and he got up completely unscathed. It was very impressive.
13. Professor Ian Cameron is possibly the dullest person I have ever met. His conversation seems to be entirely based on the idea that he has to disagree with Mary Worth in the most asinine way possible. I agree with his sentiment, but his delivery, yuch. Imagine being out-argued by Mary Worth on a regular basis. It must be very humiliating for him.
14. Marjee Mahaha had a long conversation with Blondie and Dagwood Bumstead about changing hairstyles, particularly Dagwood. Blondie said to her, “We’ve had these same hairstyles for 75 years. Why change them?” Marjee said, “Well, Blondie, the flapper era doesn’t exist anymore and Dagwood, having hair stick out six inches from your head has not been popular since the 1980s.” I don’t think they were convinced.
15. Vicki Simone is very funny and easy to get along with. I danced with her several times, after Neddy left. She even led a few times, which was pretty cube of her.
Howard K.
At 12:22 AM,
howard said…
Becky,
As for Thorvald’s speech, you should consider yourself lucky it went as well as it did. The first draft he showed me referenced satyrs and nymphs and involved him shedding his clothes and jumping into the outdoor pool. I tried to talk him into comparing you to Orpheus, which I thought was a lot better comparison. But Thorvald said, “Orpheus. What a loser. Instead of going to Hades chasing after Eurydice, he should have just gotten himself another girl. That’s what I would have done.” All things considered, the speech turned out pretty well.
Howard K.
At 1:59 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Becky,
Your party was lovely. However, I agree that Mrs. Worth's sherry drinking is a problem. I tried to engage her hand for a waltz around 11:45. She grabbed me by the front of my shirt and pulled me in so close I could see the nose hairs in her flaring nostrils. Then she said to me, "I know what you're after, boy. It's last call and you're looking for some tail. Well, I'm telling you, I'm too much woman for you. Leave you in a body cast, crying for your mother." Then she polished off the sherry bottle.
I thought your mother seemed very nice tonight. She looked very lovely in that purple dress. I wonder how she gets her bosoms to defy gravity like that. My April flower has a purple strapless dress too, but her bosoms don't point upwards like that. Your mother tried to get me to drink some champagne, but that's against the coach's strict training regimen, so I declined. Unfortunately, Duncan did not decline, and I was forced to escort him home when he vomited copiously upon the feet of the ice sculpture entitled "Rebeccah In Song." Don't fret, the vomiting was done very discreetly.
It was a good party. However, I cannot call it a great party because my little April May-rion flower cried. I asked her, "What is the matter, my perfect little petunia?" And she told me what you said about her hair. And I told my magnificent little marigold, "I miss your ponytail. Ponytails are sexy." This seemed to cheer my April flower up considerably. Then I tried to tell my attentive little amaryllis that I learned on the Internet that I have a paraphilia for ponytails. Unfortunately, I don't think she heard me, for at that moment, my lustful little calla lily threw herself into my arms and thrust her tongue deeply into my glottis. Okay, so perhaps it was a great party after all.
Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 2:09 AM,
Anonymous said…
rebeccah, sorry 4 takin’ it out on u. sumtymez i wanna b alone & u kinda interrupted that. but thass no reazn 2 take it out on u. i’m tryin’ 2b more cube ‘bout stuff like that. i’m sorry 4 doin’ that.
it’s just that alexandra nevah sat w/me @the party & she left early & i hardly got 2 talk 2 her. i wuz hopin’ she wud come back frum wherevah it wuz she went w/eva & she nevah did.
so, it wuz nothing 2 do w/u. ur party wuz gud. actually rilly gud considering howard wuz there. most timez peeps get injured wen he’z @a party.
i’ll come by 2morrow 2 take down the sound system, eh? i just need a little alone tyme rite now.
At 2:18 AM,
howard said…
Gerald,
So that’s who did that vomiting on the ice sculpture. Very discreetly!? Very discreetly!? There was about ½ liter of vomit there to clean up. Fortunately, I am a very good cleaner. After working at the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace, I don’t think there is a single bodily fluid or excretion I did not have to clean up at some point and usually in large quantities. It was a real training ground for me.
However, in Duncan’s defence, I am sure it was not the champagne that was the culprit, but that food of Anne Nichols.
Howard K.
Post a Comment
<< Home