I really think Mike hates his kids!
OK, well, I barely got NE sleep last nite. Like mayB 1 eff-ed-up dream worth. Otherwise, it was tossin' & turnin' & gettin' up 2 P. I h8 nites like that, don't U? Then, 4:30 AM, Dixie & Eddie R jumping all over me licking my face till I finally give up @ 5. So I decided 2 check my e-mail & C if I've got an e-mail fr. Dee. & looky-looky, I totally did, eh?
So:
Howard, thanx again 4 sittin' w/me & talking last nite. I really needed that! U know so much abt relationships w/guyz! & I'm so glad Mom's dropped the whole Barbados thing.
Shawna-Marie, thanx 4 grabbin' me outta the road & helpin' me calm down. Dawn, U were v. cube, 2. Candace, I'm glad U'll B helpin' Ger.
Ger, I'm so sorry I hurt U. I really do luv U, so, so much. I'm lucky I've got U.
Jeremy, I'm glad U had fun last nite & I don't blame U 4 getting all stern w/me. I was being way st00pid.
Alex, yeah, I'd heard that thing abt how basketball fanz don't like peeps 2 say "bouncyball". It soundz like U had a pretty gd time, in spite of Cameron being jerky. I can understand Y U didn't know what 2 do abt me sayin' that stuff abt playin' in traffic. Peeps usually R jokin' when they talk abt. Not really doin' it, like nutty ol' me.
Becks, thanx 4 the cube e-mail U sent me. It made me feel lots better.
Apes
So:
'April':Mike's such a jerk. It's alwayz abt how much the kiddlez take outta him & make it so hard 2 B the delicate genius he thinx he is.
Back to that 'night'. At 2 in the morning, we heard these noises from the children's room: "THUD!" Then, "Giggle!" Mike got 'up' to see what had happened, and he discovered that 'Meredith' had climbed into 'Robin's' crib. He put her back in her bed and told both 'children' to go back to sleep. Almost right away, 'Merrie' was bawling, and your 'brother' said, "I know what made our parents grow old so fast, Deanna. Having kids!!" When he 'said' that, I felt my eyes bugging out and my naturally 'full' lips bulging even more than usual.
'April', I hate when he says things 'like' this. Granted, having small children is often 'exhausting'. But with 'Michael', you'd think there's no upside. No moments of pure 'joy'. And there 'are', truly.
Oh, well. I'm not sure if I'll have more to say about all this. If I do, you'll probably get it from me in you e-mail late Sunday/early Monday.
'Dee'
Howard, thanx again 4 sittin' w/me & talking last nite. I really needed that! U know so much abt relationships w/guyz! & I'm so glad Mom's dropped the whole Barbados thing.
Shawna-Marie, thanx 4 grabbin' me outta the road & helpin' me calm down. Dawn, U were v. cube, 2. Candace, I'm glad U'll B helpin' Ger.
Ger, I'm so sorry I hurt U. I really do luv U, so, so much. I'm lucky I've got U.
Jeremy, I'm glad U had fun last nite & I don't blame U 4 getting all stern w/me. I was being way st00pid.
Alex, yeah, I'd heard that thing abt how basketball fanz don't like peeps 2 say "bouncyball". It soundz like U had a pretty gd time, in spite of Cameron being jerky. I can understand Y U didn't know what 2 do abt me sayin' that stuff abt playin' in traffic. Peeps usually R jokin' when they talk abt. Not really doin' it, like nutty ol' me.
Becks, thanx 4 the cube e-mail U sent me. It made me feel lots better.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 5:20 AM
24 Comments:
At 10:45 AM,
howard said…
April,
I got a call from my aunt Winnie with yet another amusing story about her upstairs neighbours, your brother and his family. She said, “I saw the upstairs neighbour father in the foyer looking at the mirror in the mirrored throne thing.” I said, “Mirrored throne thing? Is that back?” My aunt said, “Yes. It was gone briefly for maternity leave.” I said, “What?” My aunt said, “This house we are living in morphs. Back in October there was no mirrored throne thing and the wall changed to brick and the floor to laid wood, remember?” I said, “Oh, I remember that now.” My aunt said, “So the mirrored throne thing came back with a note that said it had been gone on maternity leave. We have gotten to the point now, where we don’t question such things anymore. Anyway, stop interrupting my story. The upstairs neighbour father was in the foyer looking at the mirror in the mirrored throne thing and he was making a moaning sound. It attracted my attention, so I asked, ‘Why upstairs neighbour, are you looking in that mirrored throne thing and making a moaning sound?’ He said, ‘I am looking for grey hairs and wrinkles. I think my knees are going bad, and I am losing my hearing, and I have a desire to watch reality TV shows.’ So I said, ‘Why are you looking for grey hairs and wrinkles?’ Not wishing to touch the other subjects he mentioned. The upstairs neighbour father said, ‘I suddenly realized a few days ago that having kids makes you grow older faster.’ I decided to straighten him out, so I said, ‘My husband Melville, does he look old to you?’ The upstairs neighbour said, ‘He looks like a primitive animal to me.’ I kind of stared at him, and then he said, ‘He does look like an older primitive animal.’ I said, ‘Melville and I never had any kids.’ The upstairs neighbour said, ‘You didn’t? Then where is this old age coming from?’ I said, ‘Time. When time passes, everyone gets older.’ The upstairs neighbour said, ‘Time, eh? I think it may be ‘time’ for an insightful expose on ‘time.’ It's 'time' to let ‘time’ know what I think of it. That will show ‘time’ I am not messing around.’ I said, ‘I look forward to reading it.’ Then the upstairs neighbour father went up the stairs and I heard him say to his kids, ‘Not now kids. Daddy’s got a new story idea.’”
So that was my aunt’s story. I hope you find it interesting.
Howard K.
At 11:01 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I see from reading your writings you appear to be much better. Thank you for calling your sister to talk. She was very concerned about you. Shiimsa must have understood her. Last night she was running about and she said, “Merrowr.” Your sister said, “No. Shiimsa. I am not asleep.” I said, “Umph.” Then Shiimsa said, “Mrrrowrr.” Your sister said, “No. Shiimsa. I don’t want to play.” I said, “Snuffle.” Then Shiimsa started jumping up and down on us and giving us playful bites. So your sister got up and said, “Shiimsa. It is 2 o’clock in the morning. Back to bed-and go to sleep.” Then she looked at me, now awake and said, “Both of you!!” I tried to go to sleep, but Shiimsa got on my head and dug in her claws and I screamed a little. Your sister said, “I know what made my parents grow old so fast, Paul.” I said, “What was that?” She said, “Having pets!!” Well, eventually we got back to sleep. All 3 of us.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:40 AM,
Anonymous said…
rebeccah, that iz rilly gud newz ‘bout the ditherz gig. the money part & not the part ‘bout how our employer iz a coke fiend. that wuz kinda sad.
rite now i am @a bondin’ adventure w/my mom. i got up this morning & my mom sed, “it’s tyme 4 our bonding adventure.” i sed, “wut ru talkin’ ‘bout?” she sed, “mothers of recalcitrant teenage boys. i told u ‘bout this.” i sed, “u did not. anothah lecture thing? i am not goin’.” my mom sed, “it iz xxactly this sort of attitude that tellz me u need 2 go. aftah that incident w/thinking u were pre-engaged & then u immediately hooked up w/that girl who sent xxploding clownz aftah u. ur not lissening 2 nething i say. u need this bonding adventure.” i sed, “no. i’m not going 2 anotha 1 of thoze whacked out lecturez u send me on.” she sed, “i promise there will be no pattersons there this tyme.” ‘course then she saw april & her dad there & sed, “i checked & they r doin’ the girl side & they r not running it, so ur safe.”
so, we have done our 1st bonding adventure. i hadta cross an imaginary sea of lava on pieces of cardboard my mom laid out 4 me & pretend they r rocks. each piece of cardboard sed thingz like, “nice canadian girl. crazy canadian girl. girl not from canada. girls who r pop singerz.” if i stepped on the wrong cardboard, the bondin’ adventure leader wud say, “oops. that wuzn’t a safe and solid rock u stood on. u just lost a toe 2 the lava. if u wud pay attention 2 the cluez ur mom iz giving u, u wud still have all ur body parts. now u hafta hop on 1 foot.” it iz rilly st00pid & i am sick of the bondin’ adventure leader tellin’ my mom that havin’ recalcitrant kidz makez ‘rents get oldah faster. the next bondin’ adventure haz sumthin’ 2 do w/fallin’ backwardz & trustin’ ur mom 2 catch u. i xxpect i am gonna have sum head injuriez b4 we r done.
At 11:50 AM,
howard said…
Becky,
That is good news about the Dithers gig. How does it feel to get professional pay? Believe me, it won’t be the last time you get $10000 for a gig. My bud is very talented.
I am so glad you took my advice about bringing the umbrella. I hope I don’t need to mention that you need to bring an umbrella to the actual performance also and probably more than one. Jeremy might need one too. Julius Caesar Dithers is known for being tougher on male employees than female ones.
As for the hall tree, my aunt does sometimes use unusual names for things. After all, she still refers to Mike Patterson as the upstairs neighbour father, when she does know his name. I usually try to humour her and use the same phrases she does for ease of conversation. Although to be fair to her, from her description, it did not sound like a regular hall tree.
Howard K.
At 1:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear friends,
Today was my first day at the Folie a Deux Mental Health Sanitarium. We are currently on our lunch break. I just wanted to write to let you all know that I am actually enjoying myself a great deal. The people here are very nice and extremely understanding. I will write more about it later.
My day is structured like this:
9:00-10:00: check in with group
10:00-12:00: group therapy
12-1:30: lunch
1:30-2:30: education group
2:30-4: coping skills
I was pleased to learn that Liz's friend Candace Halloran is the leader of my group therapy session. She seems very nice.
Don't worry too much about me. Candace assures me they will get me all straightened out.
Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 1:32 PM,
April Patterson said…
aw, man, the bonding adventure thing was way, way lame. the "girl" version was a bit diff fr. what jeremy had, but we also had that "trust" thing where u r supposta 2 back & let yr parent catch u. dad of course got distracted by a shiny choo choo & let me fall. man, i have such a headache. we also had 2 climb 1 of thoze indoor rock-climbing wallz &, like, help ea other. except dad was wearing otoscope earbudz & not listening 2 the instructionz, so i ended up having 2, like, do all the work & keep him fr. falling.
there was this weird thing where we had, like, these imaginary personnel lists with employeez namez & their payrates & how many hrs they'd worked, & vacation time & sick time & personal time. & we had 2 fig. out the answer 2 ?'s abt how much $ they'd earned in a pay period, how many "hours" they had saved up, or how much they'd get in their retirement if they retired. & we had 2 look @ theze budget sheetz & fig out how much $ had been spent on diff thingz & what % of the budget certain thingz had been. that was really weird. i don't know what that has 2 do w/bonding.
i was already in a bad mood. besidez my lack of sleep, 1 of the timez i got up 2 use the bathroom, i sort of stumbled in the hallway. dad popped his head out of the master bdroom & was all, "april, it's 2 am. u have 2 go 2 sleep. u r making me old!" as if.
becks, wow, what a story abt mr. ditherz. it's gd 2 hear mrs. d paid u in cash like that, & so much. v. cube!
howard, paul, interesting storiez. thanx 4 lettin' me know.
apes
p.s. alex, yr post came in just as i started 2 preview this comment--i'll catch up w/u after i get this thru!
At 1:49 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, yr message also got by me my 1st time thru! i'm glad u like the program u r in.
alex, that story is pretty freakee. the similaritiez r v. weird again. i feel sorry 4 a lil kid named batman. that's mean. u'd think w/a name like diner, batman's mom wda wanted her kid 2 have a normal name.
apes
At 1:50 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes!
Sorry I wasnt around 2 help u my mom said I was taking 2 long 2 finish the fotos so I stayed up all nite an' now there dun. I just got back fr Horny T. I think Ive had enuf dbl dbls 2 keep me awake 4 the rest of the day.
Im glad yr mom has decided not 2 send u 2 Barbados make sure my 'rents dont c the book 'cos theyll prolly no its fake. I think yr ok neway. I told my dad 1 of my peeps wanted 2 go 2 Barbados 2 finish hi skool an' my dad said it wld cost 2 much $ 'cos 4in students have 2 pay 4 evrything unless they win a skolarship fr the Johnston Institute whatevah that is.
That psycho Mr M an' his psycho family r coming 4 dinner 2morrow nite I dunno y. I thot abt asking my 'rents if I cld have dinner @ yr place 2morrow but I think that wld make them 2 suspicious.
Im going 2 meet Ger @ the san @ 4 pm 2 c if hes ok. Im taking an oregano joint an' maple syrup in a scotch bottle an' Elmer skool glue in case he wants 2 do sumthing stoopid I dont think hell no the diff.
L8r.
p.s. When I was coming home fr Horny T I saw yr grandpa w/ the rat dog he was coming out of Mr Singhs store saying it was just like the war there was no havarti.
p.p.s. Mayb I shldnt have told him where the cheese shop is.
At 2:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra, by "coming here" do u mean ur house or cameron'z house? i dunno if my head wud b up 2 lissenin’ 2 cameron’z storiez.
@the bondin’ adventure 4 mothers of recalcitrant teenage boyz for bondin’ adventure #2, u hadta fall backwardz w/o luking & trust ur mom wuz gonna catch u. the trick wuz that u hadta figger out wut it wuz that ur mom wunted 2 hear when she asked u a question just b4 the fall. i figgered out sum stuff rilly ez, like wen mom sed, “ru gonna d8 ne girlz frum the states?” i knew the answer wuz “no” so i got caught. then the questionz got trickier, like “ru gonna support me n my old age & not ur bastard father?” or “ru gonna lemme visit my grandkidz wenever i want?”. the answers “i love both u & dad” and “i dunno if i want kidz” did not go well. my head sorta hurts.
like april, i got 2 do the indoor rock-climbing wall w/my mom which wud have been cube, xxcept our instructor sed that part of the xxercize wuz that u hadta climb only the rocks ur mom told u. my mom wuz still goin’ on ‘bout “wut do u mean u don’t want kidz?” i sed, “i heard frum a reliable source kidz make u get oldah fastah, & i already luk 40. if i had sum kidz it wud prolly kill me.” well, my mom wuz so bizzy talking ‘bout that, it tuk us 4evah 2 get up that wall. i kept sayin’, “mom. which rock?” & she sed, “not till u promise me ur gonna have kidz.” it wen on 4 awhile till the instructor sed, “just tell ur mom wut she wunts 2 hear.” & i sed, “i’m not lying 2 my mom.” the instructor pulled me & mom up & sed, “ur 1 freaky kid.” my mom sed, “i know. wut am i gonna do w/him?”
i wuda liked thoze personnel lists that april got. it soundz almost pleasant considerin’.
neway, i wud like 2c the game w/u. ur alwayz fun wen it comez 2 watchin’ hockey, but i don’t wanna go 2 cameron’z place. i don’t have ne planz 4 2nite that i know of. i dunno if rebeccah haz nething planned 4 us. i’ll ask her & i mebbe she’ll wanna come 2. she mite like hockey bettah if she saw it w/u.
At 2:09 PM,
howard said…
April,
Holy crap! Who told your grandpa Jim where the cheese shop is? They had to close down the road until the cleaning crew gets here. There is half-eaten Havarti cheese up and down the road and all over the windows of the hair salon and the adjacent buildings. Yeesh! Dixie-flavoured Havarti. I had hoped to never smell that disgusting odor again.
Howard K.
At 2:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
April--
Gerald told me of your plan to meet him at the sanitarium after session today. Part of Gerald's treatment is to take a break from contact with you. You must understand that when a person has a traumatic relationship event, it is advisable for said person to take a couple of metaphorical "steps back" to analyze the problem from a distance.
Also, I am concerned that Gerald's current mental state may be partly as a result of being too "enmeshed" with you. Gerald needs to learn to set appropriate boundaries before having contact with his real-world friends and associates again.
While Gerald will be staying with his family during his off-hours, I must ask you all to avoid contact with him.
Sincerely yours, Candace Halloran
Therapist in training
At 2:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
April--
Please excuse me. I find it difficult to read the teen slang these posts are written in. I now understand that it is Duncan who has plans to meet with Gerald after session ends today.
I have discussed the matter with Gerald, and we have agreed that one 15 minute meeting with Duncan would be an appropriate step for him to take at this time. Duncan, Gerald will meet you at the corner of Bedlam Lane and Bellevue Boulevard at 4 pm.
Sincerely yours, Candace Halloran
Therapist in training
At 2:52 PM,
April Patterson said…
yeh, that was dunc, not me. i've already been advised abt the whole "break in contact" thing.
alex, wow, until u posted that link, i didn't realize that cameron lks a bit like that actor guy u linked 2. i'm no familiar w/the show, so i don't know much abt its actors. i don't think cameron's related 2 my fam. unless he is w/out our knowing, but what r the chances of that, eh?
apes
At 4:18 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, 4got 2 comment abt gramps. omg, dunc, i can't b-lieve he'z up 2 his old havarti trix. ew! he's gonna b on dixie probation again 4 sure. if u read sumthin' in the feb letterz abt gramps c-ing dixie on a reg. basis, that's gonna b a total lie, i'm just tellin' ya now!
apes
At 6:11 PM,
howard said…
April,
I took 4 hours for the Milborough Department of Sanitation to clean up that Dixie-Havarti mess. The odor was so bad that the stores had to shut down. They were pretty mad at your grandpa Jim and so was your mother. Sugar let us go early, because none of our scheduled customers were coming in. I think they were turned back by the smell. The cheese shop has been given a picture of your grandpa Jim and Dixie and has been instructed by the police to allow him to only purchase limited quantities of Havarti and not a whole block of the stuff, like they did. Dixie had to go to an animal hospital for overnight observation. I am sure your mother will tell you all this when she gets home.
Howard K.
At 6:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra, i have not been able 2 contact rebeccah ‘bout whether or not she wunts 2c hockey w/me & u ovah @ur house (not cameron’z). so, i left a message tellin’ her where i am, n case she iz innerested n comin’ ovah, wenevah she gets done doin’ wutevah it iz that she iz doin’ 2day. i shud b ovah n tyme 4 the pre-game. i dunno how 2 ask this, but r ur ‘rents ok w/me comin’ ovah? they didn’t seem 2 happy w/me las’ tyme i wuz there. i am pretty sure w/my head injuries frum 2day, i wud not b able 2 take an evenin’ of ur sis hittin’ me on the head.
At 6:27 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
Your sister read your writings about your mishomis (grandfather) and his dog. She is concerned about them. Please call her and let her know what has happened. Shiimsa is concerned and has said, “Meeowr. Mew. Meworh.” I think I transcribed that correctly. Your sister says that it means, “Is your mishomis (grandfather) all right?” In case you were wondering, Shiimsa can meow in Ojibway. She left out Dixie, because she does not care for her. Please call your sister. Miigwech (Thank you).
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 6:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra, i am so sorry. i have 2 cancel on u. rebeccah iz not innerested n hockey & wunts 2 do sumthin’ else. i hope u did not go outa ur way settin’ stuff up. sorry.
At 6:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
rebeccah, i will b rite ovah. ur gonna w8 till i am sittin' down 4 thoze bvks, eh? i alreddy had enuff head njuriez 4 the day.
At 7:04 PM,
April Patterson said…
paul, i don't know what the dealio is w/gramps. i will post when i know sumthing.
apes
At 7:50 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, so i'm @ dunc's house. i'm helping him w/photoshopping the fam vacation pix & we're also putting our least fave teacher'z headz on the bodiez of goats. dunc figured i needed sumthing silly 2 take my mind off stuff.
apes
At 8:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hey, no problem, Becky. Alex isn't worried about Jeremy right now.
She has a few things to learn about basketball, and why it's better than hockey, but these things can take time.
Cameron
At 11:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra, sorry ‘bout ditchin’ u. rebeccah sez u had cameron ovah & it sounded like u had a rilly bad tyme. so, sorry again ‘bout the ditchin’. i wuda told u earlier, but i sorta lost control of my gross motor and fine motor functions 4 awhile. bvks r rilly gr8, but aftah awhile u kinda wish u cud return the favour & u can’t cuz ur vibratin’ 2 much. i know now y howard sed 2 only do 1. @least this tyme it didn’t happen while i wuz standin’ up. i’ve had enuff head injuries 2day. rebeccah sed i needed sum retrainin’ so while i wuz on the floor, she put on sum recordings she haz of the rome tv show she likes. i dunno if she needed 2 say, “rome gud. hockey bad.” rebeccah sumtymez overemphasizez her points. neway, sorry again ‘bout the ditchin’.
At 11:36 PM,
howard said…
April,
An interesting side effect of your grandpa Jim’s incident with Dixie and Havarti today, is that the local grocers have placed Havarti on sale. It is really cheap and it is the good Danish Havarti. Yes, I spent the evening grocery shopping and now I am lifting weights. Everett came by the salon at the end of the day, and I was very excited to see him (thinking it was a surprise visit for me) only, guess what, he was going to some fancy-schmancy soiree with Marjee Mahaha. Again. All day long she knew this and didn’t tell me. As she was leaving she said, “Don’t take it personally Howard. You know I am only Everett’s beard at these things.” After same sex marriages were legalized, I think I fooled myself into believing this sort of pretending was no longer necessary. After all, I get to wear a dress to work every day and nobody complains. The job is really great for that. Of course, I have gotten tired of hearing senior citizen ladies bellowing out their O noises every 10 minutes, and they are so critical. “Yesterday’s O was much bigger than today’s O. Make me scream, Howard. Make me scream.” I cannot tell you how unnerving it is to hear those words coming out of the mouth of an 80-year-old woman.
On the other hand, when I walk down the street, I have noticed that the hair of the women of Milborough has dramatically improved. It is cleaner, shinier, and much better styled (since Sugar insists they must have a hair stylist on their hair after their shamp-Oh). So, from an aesthetic aspect, I am quite pleased. From a personal standpoint, I am frustrated. Candace Halloran has given me a standing offer to join her and Rudy for threesomes. Chef Sophia has told me that I am welcome to date her, so long as I am willing to date her exclusively. Then I get the phone calls with heavy breathing that is obviously Rhetta Blum. There are options, but they all involve women. And Everett is really cute in that surfer dude kind of way, so I can ignore his surfer dude language and the fact he needs to floss teeth before he will agree to kiss. Frustrated is what I am. Oh well, time to lift some more weights. That usually works.
Howard K.
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