April's Real Blog

Monday, January 23, 2006

Mom's "Magical State" of Whatever

Sumtymez, Mom just likes 2 share. Like @ breakfast this morning. She told me that while Dad was getting ready for the day, she was lying in bed and thinking, "Ahhh...Sleep. I love this magical state where you drift in and out of consciousness. Dreaming...Feeling the warmth of morning sunshine on your cheek. As I fly over green hillsidez, I smell the sweet fragrance of mint & pine... I hear rain in the valley...the sound of rushing water... A Fresh breeze. Then...the dank smell of toadstools in a misty, rotting marsh." She's pretty sure Eddie was breathing in her face during that last bit. I said, "W8 a minute Mom. Lemme get this str8. U were lying in bed having this whole 'dream' experience with sunshine an' hillsides, mint an' pine, rain an' rushing water, fresh breezes, dank smells?" And she sed she was. "And while U were dreaming this, U were, like, narrating the whole thing?" & she sed, "Well, yes, I guess U cd say that." I sed, don't U think that's kinda strange? I mean, when I have a dream, I just, y'know, have the dream. I don't narrate it, like, 4 sum1 else, during the dream. Mom got this disgusted look on her face & sed, "Who R U 2 say sumthing is strange? Look @ how U dress & wear yr hair when I don't intervene! Speaking of which, U still need 2 put yr hair up in that luvly propellor bun we agreed upon as yr school hairstyle. I sed, "I nevr agreed 2 that." & she sed, "Regardless, go!" So I had 2 go upstairz & put it up in the dumbarse propellor style. If U C me wearing it that way @ school, pls remind me 2 take it down, eh?

Alex, I M sorry U won't B posting here--aw, heck, U prolly won't even C that I just wrote that. I'll just tell Alex when I C her. I guess I'll C her @ the yrbook meeting after school 2day if we don't have a chance 2 catch up during the day.

Howard, aw, man, I M so sorry U're going thru a ruff time. But I must say, when I was spotting U on the bench press last nite, I noticed yr muscles R already looking more defined!

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 10:00 AM  

19 Comments:

  • At 11:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, wen i wuz wakin’ up this morning, i wuz kinda like ur mom. i wuz thinking, “ahhh...sleep. i love this magical state where u drift n & outa consciousness. dreamin’...feelin’ the warmth of beautiful doves lightly touching ur face & shoulderz. as i fly ovah green hillsides, i smell the sweet fragrance of bacon... then the dovez turn vicious & start pounding me on the face & shoulders & saying, “jeremy get ur ass outa bed, ur gonna b l8 4 skool.” i think i wud have preferred the dank smell of toadstools n a misty, rotting marsh.

     

  • At 12:12 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i guess those dovez turned in2 yr mom, eh? what a way 2 wake up, jeremy!

    apes

     

  • At 12:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I left Mtigwaki this morning and have safely arrived back in Otter County. This trip used to take all day, but now it is so nice that it is a quick drive.

    I see from reading your writings, your mother had an interesting morning. When I woke this morning, I also had a similar experience. I was thinking, "Ahhh...Sleep. I love this magical state where you drift in and out of consciousness. Dreaming...Feeling the warmth of Elizabeth’s hair on my cheek. As I fly over blue lakes, I feel the rough splash of the water on my face and the soft purring of the wind.. . A Fresh breeze. Then...smell of tuna and rat."

    I woke to find Shiimsa licking me. She said, “Meerowr.” Your sister said, “Yes. Shiimsa. It’s so sad Paul has to go back today. But he'll be back. Isn't that right Paul?” I said, "Yes, sweet girl. I remember your saying that 'Seeing is believing'."

    My experience was much like your mother’s, but mine had much more giizhig (heaven).

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 1:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    huh. i thot my mom was unusual w/her dream-narration stuff, but i guess it's more common than i xpected.

    yeh, i don't think there's much "heaven" w/my 'rents, not that i'd wanna think about that.

    apes

     

  • At 1:03 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    This may sound weird, but I had the same kind of experience as your mother also. This morning I was thinking, “Ahhh...Sleep. I love this magical state where you drift in and out of consciousness. Dreaming...Feeling the wetness of tear-drenched rain on your cheek. As I fly over green hillsides, I smell the sweet fragrance of Everett’s cologne and Marjee’s perfume…I turn to see them laughing together as they ride a pair of giant mosquitoes.... I hear buzzing of the mosquitoes as they get louder and louder… the sound of an angry insect... Then they rush at me, trying push their stingers into my heart, louder and louder. " Then I woke up and turned off my alarm clock. I lifted a lot of weights this morning.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 1:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You know, April, I see what you mean about Howard already having more defined muscles. He has a fetching sleeveless gown on today, and you can really see the difference in his upper arms. It's a great look for him.

    Speaking of which, Everett Callahan came into the salon just before noon today. He glanced at Howard and said, "Dude! Nice gown!" Howard looked a bit wary and said, "Thanks." Then Everett said, "Marjee! You have to come to lunch with me. Lulu's Tutu. My treat. I have a very important question to ask." I looked over at Howard and said, "I don't think I should." Howard said, "No. Go ahead. I want you to." I asked him if he was positively sure, and he practically pushed me out the door with Ev.

    So, at lunch, I was having a meatless moussaka and Everett had a mondo-excellent jumbo burger and extra fries. Lulu's Tutu really does have an eclectic menu. So, we're eating lunch, and Everett pauses between bites to say, "Marjee. I think it would be most excellent if you'd marry me and be my dentist wife!" I said, "But Everett! You're gay!" And he said, "Pshah! It's not like the dental community knows that. I promise you, I'd give you a life of luxury and take you to all the best dental-medical social functions." I said, "We already go to the dental-medical social functions. And there's the thorny issue of you not being at all attracted to me and not ever wanting to have sex with me."

    Everett took a few more bites of his burger and chewed them very carefully. 100 chews for each bite, apparently. Then, he said, "Dudette! Sex? Well, since you're into open relationships anyway, I'd just expect you to go elsewhere for sex. And I would do the same." I told him I'd have to think long and hard about this. I mean, this isn't exactly the "fantasy" image I've had in my head about what marriage would be. But on the other hand, I know I have no real future with Maynard. Who, by the way, called me collect yesterday and said "Wait for me! I swear, I'm going to go semi-legit for you." Semi-legit? "Well, yeah, I'll just break the law a little bit, to make some money, small crimes the police won't care about." I told him that sounds really stupid.

    Anyway, I'm going to have a talk with Howard as soon as we have a lull in our customers.

    Marjee

     

  • At 4:14 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I just had a weird discussion with Marjee Mahaha. She came back from her lunch with Everett at Lulu's Tutu and said, “As soon as we have a lull in our customers, I need to talk to you.” Of course there is no lull in the shamp-Oh line. I think there was a time before I arrived when not every customer wanted a shamp-Oh. Some ladies would go straight to the stylist and she would do what she could with creams and sprayed water, because it was less expensive that way. But when you add in the “Oh” part, somehow an extra 10 loonies doesn’t seem like that much any more. Sugar is happy, the customers are happy and because they are happy, the stylists are usually pretty happy too. But Marjee was not happy today when she got back from lunch. I could almost hear her growling a little bit when another customer would get into the shamp-Oh line. Finally, when she was between customers she came over and said, “I need some of your time now!”

    We went into the back room and she said, “Everett proposed marriage to me over lunch.” I said, “I suspected he would. Was it romantic, with a big ring? I always wanted a big ring.” Marjee said, “No. It wasn’t romantic at all. Everett barely stopped eating to propose.” I said, “That’s not right. It should be on bended knee and with a ring.” Marjee said, “Howard. Focus. It’s not a real marriage. Everett just wants a marriage of convenience.” I said, “Even so, he should do a proper proposal. I mean, how hard is it to get on one knee?” Marjee said, “Howard. This is important.”

    I said, “Well, I guess you’re wondering whether or not you should sell out for comfort and luxuries, or wait for Maynard and hope he can be cured of his recidivistic tendencies.” Marjee said, “Or, find a good guy who’s not a criminal or gay and who loves me and just happens to be rich and doesn’t mind if I occasionally sleep with other guys.” I said, “A nice Jane Austen kind of guy or maybe a Dr. John Patterson kind of guy who will give your freedom.” Marjee said, “Yeah. That’s it, except he should better looking and younger than Dr. Patterson.” I said, “That’s my dream too, except that part about sleeping around.” Marjee said, “What should I do Howard?” I said, “That you are even asking me this question should be your answer. Emotionally you haven’t cut your ties with Maynard and you want a husband who will love you. Everett is not in love with anyone but himself. Your answer should be ‘No.’” Marjee said, “You’re not saying this because of you and Everett, are you?” I said, “No. Everett called things off with me yesterday. He didn’t like being lectured by a 14-year-old girl about coming out of the closet and he blamed me for setting that up. I need a guy who will love me for what I am, dresses and all.” Sugar came into the back room and said, “Howard! Marjee! The shamp-Oh line is getting backed up. The stylists are standing around with nothing to do. I’m losing money and you are back here kissing.” Marjee said, “We weren’t kissing.” I said, “Sugar, you know that Marjee and I don’t have that kind of relationship.” Sugar said, “I’ve got eyes and I know what I see and I see my business losing money. You two lovebirds, back to the front!” So, am I back dealing with a long shamp-Oh line trying not to get embarrassed when I see people pointing at Marjee and me and whispering. I am not interested in Marjee that way. Where did Sugar get that idea?

    Howard K.

     

  • At 4:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I swear, you can grow old and die waiting for a lull when we've got a shamp-Oh rush going on. Talking to Howard really helped me get in touch with my real feelings, so I'm glad we had our talk. Though we both have the distinct impression that Sugar was talking about us to the customers, giving them some funny ideas about what we were doing in the back.

    I guess I'll have to talk with Everett and tell him we can't get married. I'm not looking forward to this conversation!

    Marjee

     

  • At 5:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, shannon lake snuck up on me & sed, “jeremy…do…u…know…nething… ‘bout…basketball?” i said, “yes.” she sed, “mebbe…u…cud…help…eva…unnerstand…how…the…game…iz…played.” i sed, “y shud i do that?” shannon sed, “eva…iz…suppozed…2…do…the…writeups…4…the…picturez…i…take…of…basketball…4…the…yrbook…&…she…duzn’t…know…nething…‘bout…basketball. b-sides, …i…think…she…likes…u.” i sed, “wtf. eva duzn’t like me. she’z bff w/alexandra love, who broke up w/me.” shannon sed, “will…u…@least…ask…her…if…u…can…help… her…2…unnerstand…basketball. she’z…so…slow, …it…drivez…me…crayzee.” i told shannon i wud ask eva. so, i saw eva n the hall @skool & sed, “shannon lake sez u need help unnerstanding’ basketball. wud u like me 2 xxplain the game 2u?” eva luked v. v. confuzed. she sed, “YES!! i wuz hopin’ sum1 wud help me. but…i shudn’t b talkin’ 2u, cuz of u & alex b-ing broke up. i’m not reddy 4 that kinda commitment.” i sed, “ok. well the offer’z out there n case u change ur mind & if shannon asks if i talked 2u, pleaze say i did, eh?” eva sed, “i’ll tell shannon. and…y did alex break up w/u neway?” i sed, “she sed she wuzn’t n love w/me.” eva sed, “thass it?” i sed, "thass it. i wuzn't messing around on her if thass wut ur thinkin'. alexandra sed she wuzn't n luv w/me & it wuz tyme 2 move on." then eva sed, “u know the next basketball game. mebbe u cud just kinda sit sumwhere near me so i cud ask u questionz. no w8. i bettah ask alex if it’s ok. mebbe cud u wear a disguise? disguises r v. inneresting this year. no. that wudn’t b rite. i’m gonna ask alex.” i sed, “ok. lemme know & tell shannon i talked 2u.” so, i xxpect nuthin’ 2 happen, but @least i got shannon lake off my back.

     

  • At 6:30 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    As I was leaving work today, who showed up but Dr. Everett Callahan? He went up to Marjee Mahaha and I could see him through the window getting down on bended knee and popping out a gigantic diamond ring. I am sure he will be disappointed that Marjee is going to turn him down; however, I could not stay to watch the rest. I think I will be pumping iron the rest of the evening until I go to bed.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 6:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Well, that went badly. Everett said, "Dudette. Do me the honour of being my bride, and we'll have us a most excellent wedding!" I said, "Everett, I can't marry you!" And Sugar jumped in and said, "Because she's got a thing going on with Howard!" I said, "Do not!" And Everett said, "I could tell you had feelings for him when he made out in front of us at that party we all went to, at your half-sister Becky's house!" I said, "Nonsense, it's because I don't want a loveless marriage!" He said, "Picky, picky! You are most uncube! Well, call me if you change your mind. I have a million and one things to do!" And he was off. I've been in a funk ever since. Howard, do you need a spot?

    Marjee

     

  • At 7:07 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Marjee,

    I am so proud of you. I don't know if I could have turned down that ring. It looked bigger than your knuckle. Way to stick by your principles, girl!

    I could definitely use a spot. Plus I have some videos April loaned me from the other night and a pan of fresh brownies for in between sets. If you are in the mood for some lifting, I would be glad to spot you also. Come on over.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 7:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm putting on my sweats and I'm on my way!

    Marjee

     

  • At 7:16 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Marjee,

    OK. I'll see you when you get here. Oh, just to let you know, my workout outfit is a little girly, so try not to laugh too much. When April was over the other night to spot me, it took her awhile to stop laughing. It was like she had never seen a man wearing a lacey pink workout suit before.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 7:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    so, we had a yrbook mtg after school 2day, & hi was more hyper & spastic than usual, which is saying way much. he was going on & on abt how we shd learn our craft fr. studying "superior models", & he had this gigantor stack of yrbooks fr the past, like 100 yrs. not all of them r fr. r.p. boire, either. we had 2, like, divide 'em up & promise 2 study, study, study them. studying them is pretty much how we spent the rest of the mtg. so far, all i know is there've been lots of bad hair & clothez ovr the yrs.

    apes

     

  • At 7:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, cud u luk & c if my mom iz n those old yrbooks? she'z class of 1988. she won't show me a picture. she sez it iz 2 mbarrasing.

     

  • At 8:11 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i can take a peek 2morrow. if i find yr mom, i'll make a copy 4 u. i'll need u 2 tell me her maiden name so i can lk her up.

    apes

     

  • At 8:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, her maiden name iz smythe. thanx 4 luking. i alwayz wanted 2 know how bad that picture wuz.

     

  • At 9:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Thanks for being my workout and chocolate partner this evening Howard! I must say, I'm jealous of that adorable pink workout suit you were wearing. It's so much cuter than the sweats I had on! I think my muscles are going to be very sore tomorrow.

    Marjee

     

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