April's Real Blog

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Guilt?

Yesterday morning, after I got back fr. putting my hair in2 the propellor bun Mom insists I wear, Mom told me that when she realized "the dank smell of toadstools in a misty, rotting marsh" was Eddy's breath, she yelled, "Bleah! Go Away, Eddy!" Then, Dad said he'd put Eddy outside. Outside? But it's cold outside! NEway, Dad asked her if she was OK, since she's usually up & dressed by that time. Mom sed she told him, "I'm fine. I just felt like staying in bed," and "I don't want 2 go 2 work 2day." She sed Dad answered w/"Then, stay home! U own the business... What's keeping U from taking a day off?" Mom's answer was "Guilt." This is pretty funny, actually, cuz there R dayz when Mom barely showz her face @ that place, but I guess if she sets foot in there 4 even a sec, she can tell herself she didn't play hookey fr. work & not feel "guilt". LOL!

So, like I sed yesterday, Mr. Hi Perspastick has all of us on yrbook "studying" old yrbooks. What a drag! But don't worry, Jeremy, I'll remember 2 check 4 yr mom in the 1988 book.

Howard & Marjee were both lifting w8s yesterday evening, after Everett had dumped Howard & Marjee realized she cdn't accept Everett's engagement. Hope U guyz R OK 2day?

U mite B wondering Y I'm up again so early? Well, since Mom locked the dogz out of her & Dad's bedrm last nite, "the dank smell of toadstools in a misty, rotting marsh" woke me up @ 5:30 this morning. Ooh, fun!

L8r,

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 5:48 AM  

53 Comments:

  • At 11:24 AM, Blogger Anne said…

    I was dead-set against getting up 2day! Maybe it's the weather, or just that there's another LONG-arse day of school ahead. I told my mom classes could go on w/o me, but she said it wouldn't b good 2 fall behind. Killjoy! So I dragged myself outta bed. After reading yr post (since I'm lucky u posted so brite & early 2day!) I downloaded D.A.D.'s "Sleeping My Day Away" 2 my iPod. I get inspired n the weirdest ways....lol

    I was having a REM cycle too, but not the kind I wanted 2 keep going on. My dream had amputeed prison inmates & a shouting fite w/this lady who looked like a cross b/t 2 teachers @ school. I guess that's because I'm 2 pathetically nice 2 confront NEone n real life. The last part NEway--I dunno how 2 analyze the 1st!

    Mayb I need 2 switch 2 decaf coffee.

    Vicks

     

  • At 11:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, thanx 4 lukin’ @the yrbook 4 my mom’z picture. i wanna know how bad it iz that she wud nevah wanna show it 2 me. i felt kinda like ur mom this mornin’. i didn’t wanna go 2 skool. of course, i feel like that every mornin’. unfortun8ly 4 me, the combination of my mom smackin’ my head & the smell of bacon usually gets me up. it’s a lot bettah smell than the dank smell of toadstoolz n a misty, rotting marsh. unlike ur mom, guilt wud nevah get me up. i wudn’t feel guilty @all if i missed skool.

    i can tell this yrbook studying haz got cindilu sera tonin stressed out. i saw her n skool sayin’, “omg. omg. omg. the 1964 yrbook had glossy foto inserts. duz mr. perspastick wunt glossy foto inserts? omg. omg. omg.” i am glad i’m not on yrbook. she wud drive me crayzee.

     

  • At 11:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    vicki, wen i wuz @that prison riot/concert w/rebeccah last year, there were sum amputated prison inmates @the leclerc institute n québec. i sumtymez have nitemarez ‘bout that & it duzn’t have nething 2 do w/coffee. i think it’s wen i have 2 much dairy.

     

  • At 11:51 AM, Blogger Anne said…

    Thanx, Jeremy. I knew some1 could milk an answer outta this mystery. Yikes....I cracked a pun. :-|

    I could have my mochas w/soy instead. I can imagine u & Becks having some nightmares from having 2 do those prison gigs, scaree.

    Vicks

     

  • At 11:53 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    When I got up this morning, I looked at my abdomen and I said, “Too much chocolate last night.” That was motivation enough to get up and do some more lifting. When I got into work, Sugar said to me, “I noticed Marjee was a little sore this morning. Did the two of you have fun ‘exercising’ together?” I said, “Yes. It was fun lifting weights with Marjee.” Sugar snorted and said, “You two are obviously meant for each other.” I said to Sugar, “You know, you own this business, why don’t you take the day off?” Sugar said, “What? This place would be chaos without me here. Hair stylists are very temperamental. The last time I took off, 2 of my stylists (no longer here) got into a hair-pulling fight over a hair dryer and the police were called in. No, Howard. When you own a business, you have to have a personal involvement or it just goes to hell. Look at what happened to Ford Motor after the Fords stopped running it. That’s what would happen here.” Having successfully distracted her from talking about me and Marjee, I started the daily shamp-Ohs. I hope your day is going well with school and yearbooks.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 11:54 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    vicki, i thot u looked a bit stressed this morning. thoze dreamz xplain it!

    jeremy, i spent my free in the yrbook office & found the class of 1988 yrbook. i fotocopied yr mom's senior pic & also her club pix. man, she had sum big 80's hair. neway, check yr locker when u get a chance. i slipped the pix in 4 u.

    another interesting thing was i found hi's yrbook. he didn't go 2 rp boire, his school was r. hinterteile stoß of east bumbleforque, british colombia. & here's the big surprise: he was, like, this mr. popularity jock type. school pres, captain of hockey, the whole thing. i wonder what happened 2 him?

    apes

     

  • At 12:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    vicki, mochas w/soy. there iz sumthin’ that duzn’t sound rite ‘bout that, like it’s against natural law or sumthin’. i dunno if rebeccah haz nitemarez ‘bout that prison riot, but i sure do. rebeccah swearz she iz nevah doin’ anothah prison gig, but she haz her dad az her manager now, so i have my doubts. thass where her dad haz most of hiz connectionz.

    wow! i needta talk ‘bout sumthin’ else. i’m startin’ 2 get the shakes. do u hafta do that yrbook study like april, alex, & eva? april got me that picture of my mom (thanx april). i am thinkin’ it’s a blackmail picture 4 the next tyme she wunts 2 ground me. thass big hair & the makeup iz crackin’ me up.

     

  • At 12:22 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

     

  • At 12:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    In my family, it’s my dad who has a hard time getting up. Mom has her own catering service and if she doesn’t do it, it doesn’t get done. She’s always up early making breakfast and she has to drag dad out of bed sometimes. My dad has the same routine every morning: get up at the last minute, shove his breakfast down his throat while he heads for the door, slam into Mr. Beasley our mailman and knock him to the ground (I don’t know why Mr. Beasley doesn’t wait until daddy has left before he comes to our house. He’s been knocked down by daddy so often, I think he must like it.), and then he makes an excuse to his carpool who had been waiting for him, about why he is late every single day. It sounds like your mom is kind of like my dad. Does she run into your mailman, after she finally gets up?

    Cookie Bumstead

     

  • At 12:29 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    That & the fact that Gordie's new therapist wants him 2 stay n bed 4 anotha week. So uncube! Oh well...it was only a dream. I'll keep that on an endless loop n my mind.

    Yr rite, Jeremy. I guess I'll go w/o NE sort of add'l creamer n my coffee drinx. & I never liked ranch dressing, so my salads r safe.

    Becks is getting good jobs w/the Bumsteads & Mary Worth, so I think she's on the up & up, even w/her dad as manager.

    Apes just showed me some yrbook pics she photocopied. This girl a few pics after yr mom, Monique Wilson, has majorly teased-out hair w/bangs that could withstand hurricane winds & "Cory Hart 4-ever!" n the caption next 2 her photo. I hope she doesn't wear her sunglasses @ nite....lol.

    *My earlier post went on too long, so I deleted it!

    Vicks

     

  • At 12:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    In my family nobody sleeps late. Our dog Marmaduke wakes up my mom and dad every morning to get fed. He is so big; it takes two of them to get him outside. If your dog, Eddy, was as big as Marmaduke, your mom would have to get up. You should be glad you have a smaller dog.

    Barbara Winslow

     

  • At 12:51 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hi, cookie, no, i don't think my mom runs in2 the mailman. she almost singlehandedly keeps a bakeshop in biz tho.

    vicks, sorry 2 hear abt gordie. i'm really missing ger myself. it's gonna b so sad covering hockey 2day w/out him being there playing. :(

    apes

     

  • At 12:53 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, i've heard abt marmaduke & how he's, like, really big. our dogz can b a pain, but @ least they're not so big. i heard marmaduke's afraid of clifford, tho.

    apes

     

  • At 1:07 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, hi doesn't know i scanned the whole thing & e-mailed 2 myself so i can check it out again l8r @ home.

    it's weird abt the special-needz kids. it's not like that in the yrbooks fr. other schools, eh?

    apes

     

  • At 1:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    My mom has a job selling real estate. She gets up every morning to make breakfast, except on mother’s day and her birthday. Her job used to be to be our mom. One day she said to dad, “Hi, it’s been 26 years and these kids are not getting any bigger. I’m going to get a job.” And she did.

    My mom doesn’t let our dog, Dawg in the house when we are sleeping. He stays outside or in the garage when it’s cold. That way my mom doesn’t have to worry about doggy messes on the carpet. I think it would be neat if Dawg woke me up in the morning. You’re lucky.

    Dot Flagston

     

  • At 1:13 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    aw, poor dawg! :(

    it must b weird never 2 get ne older. tho brenda starr told us it's normal.

    apes

     

  • At 2:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I am so glad you mentioned my dog, Clifford. He is very proud of being big. I never thought he could get a bigger head until he was the star of his own . Now he is impossible. He stopped doing new episodes of his , because he said he had grown too big for the small screen. It would easy to sleep late on Birdwell Island now because Clifford is up all night with his Hollywood friends, like , , , , , , , , (who doesn’t look much like a dog to me) and (He sometimes changes to a man. It creeps me out.)

    I miss my old Clifford who used to be only in books. Be glad your dog is not big and famous, especially the famous part.

    Emily Elizabeth Howard

     

  • At 2:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    My last message should have looked like this:

    I am so glad you mentioned my dog, Clifford. He is very proud of being big. I never thought he could get a bigger head until he was the star of his own . Now he is impossible. He stopped doing new episodes of his , because he said he had grown too big for the small screen. It would easy to sleep late on Birdwell Island now because Clifford is up all night with his Hollywood friends, like Lassie, Benji, Rin Tin Tin, Winn-Dixie, Sounder, Balto, Lady and the Tramp, Pluto, Goofy (who doesn’t look much like a dog to me) and The Shaggy Dog (He sometimes changes to a man. It creeps me out.)

    I miss my old Clifford who used to be only in books. Be glad your dog is not big and famous, especially the famous part.

    Emily Elizabeth Howard

     

  • At 2:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Blogger previews well, but messed up message again. It should have looked like this:

    I am so glad you mentioned my dog, Clifford. He is very proud of being big. I never thought he could get a bigger head until he was the star of his own movie. Now he is impossible. He stopped doing new episodes of his television show, because he said he had grown too big for the small screen. It would easy to sleep late on Birdwell Island now because Clifford is up all night with his Hollywood friends, like Lassie, Benji, Rin Tin Tin, Winn-Dixie, Sounder, Balto, Lady and the Tramp, Pluto, Goofy (who doesn’t look much like a dog to me) and The Shaggy Dog, (He sometimes changes to a man. It creeps me out.)

    I miss my old Clifford who used to be only in books. Be glad your dog is not big and famous, especially the famous part.

    Emily Elizabeth Howard

     

  • At 3:23 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hi, emily elizabeth! it must b sumthin' having a dog so big and so famous! say hi 2 jetta & charlie 4 me, k?

    apes

     

  • At 4:08 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    You’ll never guess who came into the salon this afternoon. It was Jennifer, the dental assistant from your dad’s office. She had this huge engagement ring on her finger that seemed somewhat familiar. She said, “I need my hair to look beautiful. I just got engaged this afternoon and my fiancé is taking me for dinner and dancing tonight.” I said, “Congratulations. Who is your fiancé?” She said, “As if you don’t know, it’s Dr. Everett Callahan, the man I have been dating since he joined our practice.” I choked out, “You’ve been dating him since when?” Jennifer said, “March 17, 2005 is the anniversary of our first date. I knew it was just a matter of time before he proposed. He’s a little bit of a tomcat and saw some other people, as you know, but I knew he would end up with me. I always floss before I kiss. Dentists like that.” I said, “That’s true. How did it happen?”

    She said, “He took me out to lunch at Lulu’s Tutu, got on his knee and gave me the ring. It was so romantic.” I said, “It sounds very romantic. What did he say?” Jennifer said, “He said, ‘Jennifer, I realize now, dudette, how totally important it is to say ‘Love’ when you propose. Jennifer, I love you in the most excellent way. Will you marry me?’ I’ll remember those words forever and of course I said yes. Who wouldn’t want to marry an up-and-coming doctor?” I said (under my breath), “That bastard.” Jennifer said, “What’s that?” I said, “Why are you coming here, of all places, to get your hair done? You know Everett and I have history.” Jennifer said, “Well. 2 reasons: 1 is that I have wanted to try this place for awhile. 2 is to show that I don’t want there to be any bad feelings between us. Milborough is a small town and it is better if everyone gets along. Don’t you think?” I said, “Certainly. Absolutely. That’s what I think too. Would you like a shamp-Oh?” She said, “Oh yes. I have heard quite a bit about them.” I said, “If you don’t have a stylist in mind, may I recommend my friend Marjee over there. She loves hearing engagement stories, so you should tell her all about it.” Jennifer said, “Oh, I will. I need to have a nice chat with her anyway.” I said, “Where will you be going for your dining and dancing tonight?” Jennifer said, “Oh. A new place called La Crème de la Crème de Milborough. They have a dance floor and a jazz band on Tuesdays. Have you heard of it?” I said, “Yes. As a matter of fact I have.” As I was giving her the shamp-Oh and she was making the usual shamp-Oh noises, she said to me, “Oh. Everett was right. You are good.” It was not what I wanted to hear. Marjee may have something to say about her “chat” with Jennifer.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 4:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, shannon lake snuck up on me again 2day. she sed, “did…u…ask…eva…if…u…cud…help…her…n…basketball?” i sed, “yes. didn’t she tell u i did?” shannon sed, “no…she…didn’t. eva…iz…up…2…sumthin’. she…wudn’t…talk…2…me. she…didn’t…evn…answer…my…e-mail…2…her.” i sed, “well, all i can do iz tell her i can help her. i’m not gonna make her take help frum me.” shannon sed, “y…not?” i sed, “cuz i don’t like 2 force peeps 2 do sumthin’ they don’t wanna do.” shannon sed, “ur…pitiful. i…can…cy…alex…broke…up…w/u. evn…justin…iz…bettah…than…u. he…haz…been…helpin’…me…look…thru…yrbooks…4…mr. …perspastick.” i sed, “i thot justin wuz ur readin’ program.” shannon sed, “oh. …yes. …thass…just…wut…he…iz…&…nothin’…more…than…that. ur…rite…jeremy.” then she left. shannon lake iz v. v. weird sumtymez.

     

  • At 4:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Oh, Howard, I know it was wrong of me to convince this Jennifer person that Everett is hot for women with buzz cuts, but I couldn't help myself! Jennifer said, "Don't be silly! I know Everett doesn't have sex with women." I said, "Correction. He doesn't have sex with women who don't have a buzz cut. Why do you think I turned him down?" And she said, "The whole 'loveless marriage' thing? And, like, your stupidity?" I think I clenched every part of my body then, but I guess I recovered pretty quickly. And I said, "It was my refusal to get a buzz cut! Look at my long, beautiful hair! No way was I giving this up, even to be a dentists' wife!" And Jennifer said, "I'd do anything to be a dentist's wife!" I told her, "That's easy to say, but actions speak louder than words. So, would you like a trim, maybe a quarter of an inch off the ends and a general shape-up?" And she said, "Buzz me!" I pretended to try to talk her out of it, but this made her ever more determined to get me to buzz her. So I let her talk me into it.

    Howard, am I a horrible person?

    Marjee

     

  • At 5:07 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Marjee,

    I don't think you're horrible. In fact, I would love to take you out for dinner and dancing tonight. What do you think about going to La Crème de la Crème de Milborough while you are wearing your most eye-scorchingly hott dress? I know the food will be good, but the company will be excellent. Does it sound appealing to you?

    Howard K.

     

  • At 5:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Howard, that is the best idea I've heard in a long time! You're on!

    Marjee

     

  • At 5:14 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Marjee,

    I am so glad you agree. I will pick you up at your place as soon as you are ready after work.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 6:12 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Well, I picked up Marjee Mahaha at her place. She looked super hot. I said, “Marjee. My eyes! My eyes! Wow! I may have to wear sunglasses.” Marjee said, “You like?” I said, “When you want to mess around, you don’t mess around.” Marjee said, “Thanks. You don’t look too bad yourself.” I said, “Well, I know what Everett likes.”

    We got to La Crème de la Crème de Milborough, and it was a good thing I had a relationship with Chef Sophia who owns the place, or we would never have gotten in. After we got to our table, I said to Marjee, “Do you see Everett and Jennifer?” She said, “No. Wait! They are at the door. But the maitre d’ is not letting them in.” I said, “Well, we can’t have that can we?” So I went to the maitre d’. Everett was telling him, “Dude, I know we don’t have reservations, but I am Dr. Everett Callahan. I am like, Dr. Patterson’s associate. You know, THE Dr. Patterson.” The maitre d’ said, “Patterson, eh? That is a good name not to say in La Crème.” I said to the maitre d’, “Excuse me. I have room at my table. We are only 2 and we have space for 2 more.” Everett glared at me. Jennifer said, “I knew my trip to the hair salon to make peace would pay off. Why Howard we would love to join you. You see, Everett. It is working out perfectly. I go to the shop; get the haircut you love and it even gets us into La Crème de la Crème de Milborough on their busiest night. You are in good hands with me, my soon-to-be husband.” Everett mumbled to himself and they came to sit down at our table. Jennifer said to Marjee, “Oh Marjee, you’re here too. This is just perfect. And what a lovely dress. It is certainly a daring choice for you. Everett, Marjee is the stylist who told me what hair style you love.” Everett said, “I think you, like, already told me that 10 times.” Jennifer said, “So I have. You have such a good memory.”

    Everett’s expression changed and he said, “Marjee. I have to thank you for Jennifer’s new cut, dudette. It is so totally awesome, when I take Jennifer out to, like, special events around Milborough, I am going to tell everyone that Marjee Mahaha does her hair and gave her this totally wicked cut. This haircut rocks!” Marjee involuntarily gasped. Jennifer said, “Oh Everett. I am so happy to hear you say that.” Then Everett said, “Man. When it’s lights out, I am going to run my hands through your too cool hair, and let my imagination run wild. You’ll be just as good as any dude.” I involuntarily gasped. Jennifer said, “Oh Marjee. You were right! The buzz cut does turn him on.” Everett said, “Dudes. I want to propose a toast. To Jennifer, my totally top-of-the-line dentist’s wife. You are way better than anyone else I might have chosen. {To Marjee and me} Aren’t you going to join me in my toast to Jennifer?” Marjee and I reluctantly raised our glasses. Then Everett said, “Whoa! The band has started. Let’s go rock, dudette.” Then Everett and Jennifer began to dance.

    I had to go to the bathroom, because I was feeling sick. I am posting you from there before I go back. I think I have a plan. I or Marjee will tell you how it works out later.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 6:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April, if you ever come up with an impulsive revenge idea, think about how it could backfire. This is "boomerang" revenge to be sure. I should have thought of that, though! Of course the buzz cuts turns Everett on. Jennifer looks just like a boy with it!

    It's now my turn posting from the washroom. I have to think of a plan. Think, Marjee, think! Better thinking than before!

    Well, better get back before anyone gets suspicious.

    Marjee

     

  • At 6:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    d00d, having 2 watch thoze moviez. that's harsh! & of course i don't wanna break ger's heart.

    so, like, i've been taking a closer look @ this hi yrbook. i fig there cd b an interesting reason he was so anxious 2 get it away fr. me.

    apes

     

  • At 7:20 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Becky. Don’t do :( on me. You’re my bud and if you want to go dancing, we’ll go dancing. However, I should mention, when I took you and April to La Crème de la Crème de Milborough, you ran out before we finished eating so you could go to comfort Jeremy Jones. The prior opportunity for us to dance was at your dad’s party and you were reserving your dances once again for Jeremy Jones. It’s not like I haven’t tried to dance with you. We can go out this weekend, if you don’t have any gigs.

    Ooh! Judy, Liza and Barbra are all gay icons and you can learn a lot from their style. However, their vocal techniques leave a little to be desired and I say this with the deepest love and adoration for them. They have great voices, but their singing is a little sloppy. Please only emulate their style.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 7:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear friends,

    I wanted to write to you to let you know that I have been released from the Folie a Deux Mental Health Sanitarium with a rating of "cautiously optimistic"! I will be back in school tomorrow.

    When I first met Candace Halloran, who led my group therapy session at the sanitarium, I was more than a little afraid of her. She has a very intimidating haircut. She also has some piercings in places that I am pretty sure must hurt a whole lot. But it turns out she is a very effective counselor. She taught me some very useful coping techniques for stressful daily situations.

    EXAMPLES:

    Situation A: April says, "I'm sorry, our pre-engagement is off."
    Old, Bad Reaction: Try to suffocate self by wrapping face in a whole roll of skater's tape.
    New Coping Strategy: Review handy pocket-sized laminated list of "20 Great Things To Love About Gerald."

    Situation B: Drew Fontaine says, "We're moving you from third string to water boy."
    Old, Bad Reaction: Break into Becky's bungalow and eat massive quantities of li'l weenies.
    New Coping Strategy: Sing all five verses of "Gerald Is Neat, He Can't Be Beat", either aloud or mentally.

    Situation C: I pop a boner at an inappropriate juncture, for example, while conjugating "etre" in the subjunctive tense at the blackboard in French class, just hypothetically speaking.
    Old, Bad Reaction: Insist that a blackboard eraser has somehow fallen into my pants, then run from the room screaming that it isn't my fault that "etre" kind of sounds like "April" and is thus a very titillating verb; attempt suicide by throwing self onto the dishwasher conveyor belt in the lunchroom.
    New Coping Strategy: Deliver brief speech entitled "Boners Are Beautiful: A Natural History of Teenage Arousal and Heterosexual Horniness," an original work by Gerald Delaney Forsythe.

    I am sure that I am now quite prepared to reenter the harsh social milieu that is high school. Thanks, Candace!

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

     

  • At 7:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    P.S.--I should also thank Wellbutrin XL, which provides a strong anti-depressant medication with a low risk of sexual side effects!

     

  • At 7:49 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Tomorrow night for dancing sounds great.

    April,

    Back to telling you what is happening here. Marjee and I conferred on our plan. When the appetizers came, Everett and Jennifer stopped dancing long enough to scarf down some escargots. I said, “It was a pleasure to see you dancing again Everett. Especially after that…Oh I forgot I am not supposed to mention that.” Marjee said, “I agree with Howard. The last time we danced at the Thorvald McGuire party, you were definitely holding back. It’s so nice to see you moving freely again.” Jennifer said, “What are you talking about? What happened to Everett? I don’t think I have heard this story.” Everett said, “Whoa! Jennifer. Nothing happened to me or my dancing. These 2 are totally making it up.” I said, “Well, there is that scar on your left leg. I don’t think I am making that up.” Jennifer said, “Do you have a scar on your left leg, Everett?” Everett said, “Dude what are you doing to me? That scar is from when I was, like, a kid.” Marjee said, “I don’t know, it looked pretty fresh to me.” Everett said, “Now that is totally a lie. You have never seen me naked, only Howard has.” Marjee said, “There was that time when Howard, Maynard, you and me got into that drinking contest. Do you remember who won?” Everett said, “I had my clothes on when I woke up.” Marjee said, “Yes. We didn’t want Howard to know what we had been doing.” I said, “You didn’t! With Everett? Marjee I am surprised at you.” Everett said, “This is totally uncool. Jennifer they are lying.” Jennifer said, “I think I want to see your scar to see if it is recent or not.” Everett said, “No way. That is completely bogus for you to ask.” Jennifer said, “It would only be a confirmation.” Everett said, “Dudette, I am not disrobing in a restaurant. It is totally uncool to ask.”

    I said to Marjee, “I think we should let the happy couple have some privacy for their discussion.” I took Marjee to the dance floor and said, “Marjee. My objective is for every man in the room to be aroused by the sight of your dancing and for every woman in the room to want to be you. Are you ready?” Marjee said yes. So, we danced and I used all of my abilities to show Marjee off to her best effect. The fact she has a nice body and a good dress helped too. We were abruptly stopped by none other than Chef Sophia. She said, “Howard. You are disrupting the restaurant. My wait staff cannot concentrate. Please sit down and eat your dinner.” Marjee and I apologized to Chef Sophia. Marjee was panting and said, “I have to go to the washroom and freshen up a little. I am a little sweaty.” I said, “Glowing, Marjee. Women glow.” So, I decided to take a little break too and post this to you in the washroom. Soon, it will be back to the fray. Either Marjee or I will tell you what happens next.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 7:51 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    sure, alex, c'mon over. i found something weird. sum chick named lynn ridgway, who looks a lil like my mom, but not so cartoony & w/a normal nose, signed, "hi, stay sweet, don't ever change! remember the snep and everything we talked about. ur/2y's/2/4get, lynn". weird, eh?

    apes

     

  • At 7:52 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    friday soundz cube 2 me, becks!

    apes

     

  • At 8:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Whew! Howard is a great dancer! I'm exhausted!

    When we were dancing, apparently Jennifer kept badgering Everett about the scar, but Everett had his eyes glued to us! Every time Howard noticed Everett watching, he made the dance more seductive, and I followed his leave. I'm pretty sure about half the couples left to get a room!

    After Chef Sophia stopped us, Howard and I both made our way to the washrooms. We were leaving them at about the same time, and discovered Jennifer dragging Everett behind him. She was saying, "I don't care whether we use the men's room or the ladies, I just want to see your scar!" Chef Sophia heard this (it's a really small place), and she said, "No way! No funny stuff in my washrooms." But Jennifer wouldn't let it rest, and Sophia ended up letting her take Everett into a staff room. They're still there, I think!

    Marjee

     

  • At 8:03 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    alex, that soundz cube abt the laptop.

    ger, m i allowed 2 speak w/u @ school 2morrow? candace freaked me out a bit w/the "no contact" stuff & now i'm afraid abt saying or doing sumthing wrong. i hope i'm allowed, cuz i really wanna hug & kiss u.

    apes

     

  • At 8:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April May-rion flower,

    Of course you are allowed to have regular contact with me. However, I would ask you to refrain from hugging or kissing me when we are not in private. Due to our prolonged lack of contact, it is approximately 98.772% certain that hugs and kisses from you will cause me to pop a boner. While I am all prepared with my speech about how boners are beautiful, one of my other coping mechanisms that Candace taught me is "heading disaster off at the pass."

    So please meet me behind the bike racks before school to give the hugs and kisses, please. No one will see us there.

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

     

  • At 8:12 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, behind the bike racks 2morrow morning rite b4 school. d8?

    apes

     

  • At 8:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah, ur gonna have alexandra ovah 2 ur house! the last tyme u started talking 2 an ex-gf of mine (tangi origami) i ended up w/blue urine. iz there sumthin' i needta know? have i screwed up or sumthin'?

     

  • At 8:34 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    otoh, drew fontaine was telling peeps that gerald had peed in the pool in phys ed. last semester, & i'm pretty sure that nev. happened. shannon does aquatics 4 special olympics. i'm guessing they teach 'em not 2 do stuff like that.

    btw, we r not planning 2 skinny dip. we're planning on wearing swimsuits.

    apes

    p.s. i'm so xcited abt mtg u by thoze bike rax!

     

  • At 8:36 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ^ this was me telling ger we're planning 2 wear swimsuits. i know u know that already, becks!

    apes

     

  • At 8:54 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hm, i doubt it. mayB, like, her mother was making a weird political statement?

    apes

     

  • At 8:58 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Jennifer and Everett came back from the staff room, still unhappy. Everett said, “It is totally not a fresh scar. Man, I got that from a bicycle accident when I was 12.” Jennifer said, “It looks fresh to me.” Everett said, “Woah! You’re just a dental assistant. I am, like, a doctor.” Jennifer said, “And so I am less qualified to recognize the age of scar tissue than you? Thank you so much Everett. You may not respect me enough to confide the secret story behind your scar, but I thought you at least respected me professionally.” Everett said, “This is heinous. I totally respect you at work, eh? I don’t make you swap puns back and forth like John does.” Jennifer said, “If you respect me, then tell me the story behind your scar.” Everett said, “It was a bicycle accident when I was 12. Man.” Jennifer said, “I think you’re lying. I also think you lied about liking my haircut. I saw the way you were scoping out Marjee on the dance floor.” Everett said, “Me! You were the one looking at Howard.” Jennifer said, “I was not.” Everett said, “Was too.” Jennifer said, “Was not.”

    Everett said to me, “Dude. Why did you do this to me? Is it some sort of bogus revenge for dumping you? Dude. I’m sorry I hurt you, but people break up. What do you want from me?” I said, “That ‘sorry’ was good. I only want one more thing.” Everett said, “Man. This is totally bogus. What is the one more thing?” I said, “Promise you won’t smear Marjee’s reputation for hair cutting.” Everett said, “She gave Jennifer a buzz cut, dude.” I said, “You like it better that way. I know. That’s my hair style.” Everett said, “Aw Man. OK. I promise.” I said to Marjee, “Happy?” Marjee said, “I’m happy.” Jennifer said, “I’m not happy. What is the story about how Everett got the scar?” I said, “You don’t believe it was a bicycle accident?” Jennifer said, “No way. That scar is recent.” So I said, “This is what happened.” and I whispered a complete and utter fabrication into Jennifer’s ear. Jennifer said, “Ooh. Everett. We are going to have to try that.” Everett said, “What? Try what?” Jennifer said, “Don’t play innocent with me, you wild man. And she said, “This is what Howard said you were doing when you got that scar.” And she whispered in Everett’s ear. Everett said, “That’s totally…you know…well…dudette…that’s like…man.” Then Everett took his hand and rubbed Jennifer’s head with his eyes closed and said, “OK. Dudette. Let’s go to my place.”

    Marjee said, “You are letting them off the hook? Just like that?” I said, “Why break them up? You don’t want to marry him. I could never be married to him. They are both going give each other what they want. There’s nothing wrong with a happy ending.” Marjee said, “But what about a happy ending for us?” I said, “I know. Where is the guy for me?” Marjee said, “And the guy for me.” I said, “The night is still young. I propose we dance until the band quits for the night and then I take you back to your place and give you a massage that will make you feel really happy.” Marjee said eagerly, “She said, ‘Shamp-Oh kind of happy?” I said, “Oh better than that.” So, we are going to be dancing for awhile, if you need to talk to either Marjee or me.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 9:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah, i wuz considerin' crashin' ur girl partee 'till u mentioned shannon lake mite b naked & peeing n the pool. i think i will doin' sumthin' else on friday.

     

  • At 9:19 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yep, no suit, no swim.

    weird yrbook. there's a club foto, "good citizenship club". that lynn ridgway girl is, like, staring @ hi in the picture, & he looks, like, nervous. i had this weird chill go up & down my spine fr. it 4 sum reason.

    apes

     

  • At 9:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah, i'll cu 4:30 on friday. will i cu in a bikini?

    april, wut iz it w/u & this lynn ridgway girl? i thot u sed she didn't luk that much like ur mom. me, i wuz only innerested n the picture of my mom. thanx again 4 findin' that.

     

  • At 9:36 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i dunno, there'z sumthin' weird, mayB w/her, or mayB i'm not even on the rite track. sumthin' happened 2 hi, & he seemz, i dunno, it seemz like he cd b hiding sumthin'. abt not lookin' like my mom, this lynn ridgway person kinda remindz me of v. old pix of my mom, but like i sed, my mom has a more "cartoony" kinda face. & now of course she's got the famous tater nose. like, imagine a more normal-looking sister.

    becks, my mom was born elly richards, so u r half rite.

    apes

     

  • At 9:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, so ur innerested in this lynn ridgway cuz she luks kinda like ur mom & u think she had sumthin’ 2 do w/mr. perspastick turnin’ frum a jock h high school 2 a geeky teacher? & u think the 2 r rel8ed cuz this lynn ridgway iz givin’ mr. perspastick a funny luk in a yrbook “good citizenship club” picture & she signed hiz book. i dunno april, funny luks & weird feelins. mebbe u shud get out more often. how ‘bout horny tims for sum tim balls? or iz 2 l8 4 that?

     

  • At 9:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah, bikini?

     

  • At 10:06 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i know it soundz weird, jeremy, but u just hafta c the pic. there's sumthin' not-rite abt the way she'z lookin' @ hi. & his face totally showz it. i'll print it out & show u 2morrow.

    i can't do horny tim's, but thanx neway. i just remembered i hafta rite that description xercize we hafta hand in 4 english 2morrow. shoot! i just got so, like, distracted!

    alex left abt a 1/2 hr ago. that laptop is hella nice!

    btw, r.p. boire'z hockey team lost again. 6-0. r. muco snarf secondary.

    apes

     

  • At 10:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, ok. i'll c the pic & c if i get ne strange feelinz. u bettah get 2 that english. i tuk me hourz 2 finish it. that teach haz been pilin' on the english homework this year. she iz merciless.

    i am sure alexandra'z laptop iz nice, but i don't like the reazn she got it. i heard 'bout the hockey game. i wuda liked 2c it, but it's bettah 4 me not 2 go 2 thoze gamez 4 awhile. so i worked on homework. my mom wuz rilly happy 'bout that 4 sum reazn.

     

  • At 1:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah, all rite!!! bikini!!!

     

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