April's Real Blog: Coffee Emergency @ Lilliput's

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Coffee Emergency @ Lilliput's

So, after Mom's "guilt" talk the other day, she ended up haulin' her arse 2 work NEway. L8r, she was yammering 2 Dad an' me abt how she was all on autopilot, not even remembering her drive ovr there. She sed it's like she goez in2 a trance, & when she gets 2 the store, she does all the same thingz like she's programmed--taking off her coat 4 xample. Which is kind of a weird xample. Is she gonna break out of her rut by keeping her coat on indoorz all day? Yeah, whatevs. She sed she was thinking, "The only thing that will snap me out of it is a serious glitch in the system." That's when Moira told her, "We're out of coffee." And Mom freaked, shouting, "WHAT?!!!" and jerking her whole body so her glasses jumped off her face, one of her earrings popped off, her necklace wiggled, and her breasts sagged even more than usual. She said, "John! This was completely unacceptable! Can't a bizzy entepreneur like myself xpect her staff 2 keep the coffee stocked? Must I do everything?" Dad made sympathetic soundz & then, when Mom wasn't looking, he rolled his eyez & mouthed the words, "SELL the STORE!"

So, Alex, 2 answer yr question abt that old website U found w/refs 2 Hi Perspastick, I dunno if it'll turn out 2 B important or not. Let's make sure we save copiez of it in case it, like, disappearz off the 'net. Cuz that happs all the time w/websites, eh?

Howard, Marjee, soundz like U 2 had an interesting nite, 2 say the least. Becks, I M totally lookin' forward 2 the girls' slumber party U R having Friday. We so need 2 have sum fun!

Ger, it was so good 2 have our "special" time behind the bikerack this morning! I missed U sooooo much, & luv U like crayzee!

Oh, I C Jeremy coming down the hall. I can show him that funky pic from Hi's yrbook now.

Apes

Blogger is planning a scheduled outage today at 4:00 PM Pacific time, so 7:00 PM eastern. So we'll have to work around that time with our posts.

32 Comments:

At 9:36 AM, Anonymous said…

Dearest April flower,

I just realized I neglected to correct a statement you made yesterday. Drew Fontaine did indeed spread a rumor about me urinating in the pool. However, said rumor had an entirely factual basis.

Duncan told me he bet me $10 that I wouldn't pee in the pool. I declined to accept his bet, but then he triple doggy dared me to do it. So, you see, I had to.

Remember when I gave you that bouquet of lilies? That's what I spent the $10 on.

Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 10:23 AM, April Patterson said…

ger, wow. gross and sweet! drew fontaine sure likes the goss, doesn't he? he's such a hen sumtymez, even tho he's all macho hockey-captn & everything.

eva, alex, yay! i m glad u r going. & alex, wow, that's so weird w/hi & the sn kidz.

apes
At 10:27 AM, Anonymous said…

Dearest April flower,

It is a little-known fact among you chicks that all jocks like to gossip. It's how we assert dominance, by spreading rumors about each other. Of course, there is a code of honor amongst jocks that says all rumors must be true, or at least based on some shred of fact.

That's why I've been unable to revenge myself on Drew Fontaine. From what I can tell, he's perfect in every way.

But I need to refrain from saying so in the boys' locker room. I told that to Drew, and I got the extremely rare Near Death Experience Swirlie.

Devotedly yours, your pre-pre fiance (I hope?) Gerald
At 11:05 AM, Anne said…

Hey Ger, I've heard from some very reliable sources that Drew Fontaine has irritable bowel syndrome. I can txt u their names since they cld get n big troub if they went public.

Yeah Alex, that'd B cube. I'd like yr feedback on my draft. We can meet on the front steps @3:05 and head out 4 lotsa coffee. :-)

Vicks
At 11:05 AM, Anonymous said…

I told you guys that there would be consequences for taking Paul to the nurse's station. I was right.

On Monday mornings at school, I spend our 10 minute "morning group" having the kids take turns telling what they did for the weekend. Everything was going fine until that brat Jesse Mukwa went. He always goes last because it gives him a chance to hog attention. Anyway, he said loudly, "On Sunday, I saw Miss Patterson and Constable Wright coming back from the nurse's station. Constable Wright had a hiking injury." All the kids giggled. I said, "That's enough, Jesse."

Then Jesse said, "I heard that they like to call hiking 'heaven.'" Again, the kids giggled. I should have known that Jesse being nice to us on Sunday was just to set us up for a prank later!

Then Jesse said, "It's funny. My cousin in White River says that even though Miss Patterson is still alive, she's been to heaven with a lot of different guys."

I said, "That's enough, Jesse."

Then Jesse said, "You go to heaven so much, Miss Patterson, you must be an angel."

I was surprised and a little confused, so I just said, "Thank you, Jesse."

Then Jesse stood up and said very loudly and angrily, "Of course, 'angel' is a code word for 'whore'!" Then he ran out of the building.

So I had to get Gary to watch my class so I could follow him. This was very embarrassing. I knew that if I acted in a less-than-prudent way, that it would negatively impact my teaching career. I was very upset, and this led me to be sort of confused. So it took me a long time to find Jesse.

Fortunately, when I went up to the ceremonial grounds, I saw that the lock was broken on the baloney and bannock stand. Sure enough, I found Jesse hiding inside, crying.

I asked him, "Why are you so upset, Jesse?"

And Jesse said, "Miss Patterson, I wanted you to be my wife when I grow up! But you can't be, because a proper Ojibway wife is chaste! And you go hiking with every man you date!"

I was very embarrassed and confused about what the right thing to do. But I told Jesse, "That isn't true. You see, with my helicopter pilot boyfriend, we only did virtual hiking on the Internet. And with my high school boyfriend, we only, umm...had an oral discussion about hiking."

And Jesse said, "What about that Eric guy, who's on the Internet telling people you were the best hiking partner ever?"

I turned bright red. "Well, I thought I was going to marry Eric. Later, I found out he was a very bad man who liked to hike with other women, so I had to break up with him. Now I only hike with Paul. We are probably going to get married, even though I don't like to admit it."

And Jesse got angry and said, "Why?"

And I said, "Because, I am 24 now. Where I come from, if you aren't married or at least engaged by age 25, there is something very wrong with you."

And Jesse said, "What?"

And I said, "I don't know. I don't think I know anyone who wasn't married at least once by the time they were 25. Except for my Uncle Phil and Aunt Georgia. And they are very, very weird people."

And Jesse said, "How are they weird?"

And I said, "Well, I don't know. But they must be weird, because now they live with the Frenchies in Quebec. Only weird people do that. Like my sister-in-law Deanna's friend, Maxine Hebert. She's over 25 and has never been married. She's a Frenchie and has to live in Quebec. And Dee says she's getting all dried-up and bitter, and so will probably never find Mr. Right."

And Jesse said, "But you've found Mr. Right! I'm Mr. Right! You should stop hiking with the other Mr. Wright and just wait until I'm old enough to hike with you!"

And I said, "Jesse, I can't wait that long. I'll be over 30 by then. That's too old. I'll have to go to Quebec if I wait that long."

And Jesse said, "No, we only have to wait until I'm 12. Then we can hike all we want."

I was very shocked. I said, "Where did you get such a crazy idea?"

And he said, "From the newspaper!" He reached into his pocket and pulled out a beautifully beaded little wallet. Then he took a yellowed newspaper clipping from the wallet and handed it to me. It was a story about Mary Kay LeTourneau and Vili Fualaau getting married after she got out of prison.

Then Jesse said, "Don't worry! If we get caught, I'll raise our kids until you get out of prison! Aunt Marg can help me!"

I tried very, very hard to explain to Jesse why this was not an acceptable plan. I even pointed out to him that Mary Kay LeTourneau has a French name, which shows how unacceptable the plan was. He agreed to come back to school after that.

I don't think he was totally convinced, though. Ever since then, he's been fiddling with his wallet in class. Also, he keeps raising his hand and asking questions like, "What is the youngest age you can get legally married in Canada?" and "What is the youngest age a person can make a baby?" It is very embarrassing.

Liz
At 11:06 AM, Anonymous said…

Dear Vicki,

Thanks for the tip!

Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 11:44 AM, howard said…

April,

I know just how your mom feels. When I drove to the salon, I couldn’t remember the drive either. I get up in the morning and lift the same number of weights in the same number of sets. Of course, this morning I had to wake up Marjee too. So that was different. Plus I had to go to my place from her place, so I could lift the weights. That was different too. But after that, it was all routine. I go into the salon, take off my coat, say hello to Marjee and kind of giggle (yes, like a girl). Well, I guess the giggling was different. Anyway, I go to the shamp-Oh area and make sure I am ready for customers and Sugar comes over and says, “Howard. What did you and Marjee do last night? She keeps smiling at me. It’s not natural.” I say, “Dinner, dancing, revenge on an ex-lover, and some mutual massage is all, Sugar.” Well, I guess that part was different too. Then Sugar says, “We’re out of coffee.” I say, “Doesn’t Marjee normally check the coffee?” Sugar says, “Normally. But she isn’t normal today.” So, that was different too. I guess I really don’t know how your mom feels.

Howard K.
At 11:46 AM, Anonymous said…

april, that pic u showed me wuz inneresting. it did give off sum weird vibe, but i dunno wut it meanz.

sumthin' i 4got 2 mention. this may sound crayzee, but i swear i saw ur dad hypnotizing ur mom this morning. they went outside 2 her car & just b4 she got in, he brought out this kind of shiny light thing. aftah he did it, ur mom started sayin’ everythin’ she wuz doin’. like she wud say, “i open the car door. i close the car door. i start the engine.” it wuz weird. y wud ur dad hypnotize ur mom?
At 12:00 PM, April Patterson said…

jeremy, i don't know y my dad wd do that, but otoh, i almost nev. know y my 'rents do what they do. tho i guess if my mom narrates her dreamz, i shdn't b surprised if she narrates herself during the day, either, eh?

i'm glad i'm not the only 1 picking up a weird vibe fr. that pic.

ger, interesting abt jocks & goss. i guess i shdn't b surprised.

howard, were u & marjee naughty last nite? [wink, wink]

liz, wow, i'm sorry 2 hear abt that incident u went thru w/jesse. how awful!

becks, that's cube abt the maids. & the espresso machine, even if u don't care 4 the coffee yrself. u nevr know when yr guests mite want sum.

apes
At 12:17 PM, Anonymous said…

April,

Thank you for your sympathy and support. I have a feeling I may need it. Jesse has been asking questions again today. He raised his hand and loudly asked, "Why do some teachers love their students more than other teachers do?" Oh well, at least he's raising his hand. That's an improvement.

I told him that some teachers are more concerned about breaking the law than other teachers are. Do you think that was an OK answer? I need another opinion. This whole situation is bizarre, and I'm confused. It's like Jesse is saying I must not care about him if I don't molest him and ruin his life. Yikes.

We are having a parent-teacher conference about this situation today. Well, actually, Jesse's clan is sending his Aunt Marg. I guess everyone else is too busy working or something. You know, I hardly ever see Jesse's parents. Huh. Maybe that's part of the problem here.

Liz
At 12:19 PM, Anonymous said…

April,

Boozhoo (Hello).

I received a call from your sister during her lunch break at school. She said that giizhig (heaven) was no longer a term we could use even in actually describing heaven, and she told me her morning with Jesse Mukwa. Then she asked me what is the youngest age you can get legally married in Canada? I am embarrassed to admit I have been asked this question before, usually by young Ojibway girls. The answer is:

The law varies by region. You must be at least 18 years old to be married in Ontario by licence or under the authority of the publication of banns without authorization or parental consent. If you are 16 or 17 years old, you may marry if you have the consent in writing of both parents.

You may find this interesting since your sister tells me you were pre-engaged for a time. Then your sister asked me a question I had not been asked before: me what is the youngest age you can get legally married in Québec? I said I would have to look it up, but it turns out it is the same law as it is in Ontario.

Then your sister asked if my mother (ngashi) would mind if my girlfriend was not like a proper Ojibway woman. I said, “Do you mean chaste?” She said yes. I said, “My mother (ngashi) married an Irishman. When you meet my ngitziim (parents), Ojibway chastity is not a subject she will talk about. My mishomis (grandfather) will be the only one to speak of Ojibway tradition. Don’t worry.”

Your sister had to go back to work and I have to go back to sleep to work my late night shift.

Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 12:29 PM, howard said…

April,

In answer to your question as to whether Marjee and I were naughty last night, I guess it depends on how you define naughty. We did not copulate, if that’s what you mean.

After we were done dancing, we were both a little sore. I took Marjee to her place to give her the massage I promised her, and it turned into sort of a teaching session. I would teach her a massage technique by applying it to her body and then she would show me that she learned the technique by applying to my body. As a hair stylist who works with her hands every day, Marjee’s hand muscles are well developed. We were both pretty satisfied by the time we were done. Then Marjee suggested that in my relaxed state, it would be safer if I slept over. So I did. If you consider sleeping over or massage naughty, then I guess we were.

Howard K.
At 12:33 PM, howard said…

Becky,

A live-in maid for my bud! That sounds great. Where is he or she going to sleep? Will it be problem with those times when I occasionally come over and stay the night on your chesterfield?

Howard K.
At 12:41 PM, Anonymous said…

Dear April flower, Vicki, and assorted other friends,

Vicki's tip about Drew Fontaine's irritable bowel syndrome piqued my curiosity. I decided I had to find out if it was true. Drew and I have French class together. When he excused himself to go to the restroom, I waited until Mlle. Petitbateau had her back turned, and I snuck out after him.

I crept into the boys' room. Drew was in the stall at the end of the row. So I tiptoed down to the end and pressed my ear against the side of the stall to listen.

I anticipated hearing some very disgusting sounds. However, all I heard was a terrible ringing in my ear as Drew started to pound on the side of the metal stall, yelling, "WHAT THE F--K?! FREAK! THAT BETTER NOT BE YOU, FORSYTHE!"

I started to run out of the boys' room, but the reverberations from the pounding must have caused an inner ear disturbance. I found that my balance was severely impaired, and all I could do was stagger. The next thing I knew, Drew was tackling me. Have I mentioned that he is also the quarterback on the football team? I went down like a ton of bricks.

I tried to curl up into the defensive "fetal curl" posture that Dad taught me to protect my internal organs during assaults by my fellow schoolmates. However, the next thing I knew, Drew was pulling me into a full nelson. Have I mentioned that he is co-captain of the wrestling team too?

I felt like my neck was going to break and that my head would pop off, just like my brother used to do to my Ken dolls when I was in the 6th grade. But, just then, I heard some yelling. It was Mlle. Petitbateau, shouting, "Arretez! Arretez immediatement!" So Drew released me.

As we were sitting there on the floor of the boys' bathroom, I suddenly realized that my pants and the floor were smeared with something. It was all over Drew as well. Apparently, Drew had not finished using the lavatory before he sprinted out to attack me.

So I cried out, "Ah-hah! You do have irritable bowel syndrome! Wait until I spread that rumor! You won't be top dog in this school anymore! Boy, will you look foolish!"

Drew and I were sent to Nurse Horbreth's office to clean up in the shower there and put on our gym uniforms. I tried to tell Nurse Horbreth the rumor about Drew. However, she told me that I should probably keep it to myself, as my part in this story is less than honorable.

I decided to give the rumor a test-run anyway. When the lunch period started, I told the rumor to Kirk Crabapple, captain of the cross-country team. He said, "Yeah, I heard all about how you followed Drew to the bathroom, perv boy. I also heard that Drew managed to beat you up and take a dump at the same time!" Then Kirk and his friend Carl shoved me head-first into the lunchroom trash bin.

I don't think I'm going to try to start anymore rumors about Drew Fontaine.

Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 1:19 PM, howard said…

Becky,

Apply for the job of live-in maid? It seems like a step down from being a shampoo girl. I kind of like working with Sugar and Marjee. I get to wear nice dresses and meet all kinds of people. As a live-in maid, I would get to be with you, which would be great to spend more time with my bud. However, I would also be with Dr. McCauley and your mother, who can be unpleasant. Not only that but French maid outfits I only wear on very, very special occasions.

Plus, I would have to take orders from Dr. McCauley, who, by the way, would never hire me. He opposed my getting the janitor job in his building where he works, so I am pretty sure he would not allow me to take a position cleaning his own house.

It’s an interesting thought and I appreciate you thinking of me, but I don’t know how it would work.

Howard K.
At 2:31 PM, April Patterson said…

liz, wow, it soundz like jesse may need sum serious counseling.

ger, yeah, it doesn't sound like that investigation of the rumour w/drew fontaine & the ibs went well @ all. ew! mayB a rumour abt how he'z taking grade-9 french when he's in grade 12, eh? tho i guess that's prolly common knowledge.

howard, the massage thing does not sound naughty 2 me. nice, but not naughty. :)

apes
At 2:45 PM, April Patterson said…

oh, & alex, can u meet me @ the 'bucks @ 4:30? we can have that talk then.

apes
At 3:06 PM, Anonymous said…

Dearest April flower,

Drew is in Grade 9 French because he moved here from Schenectady at the beginning of this school year. When he lived in the States, he took Spanish. Every jock already knows that, so it would not be a good rumor.

Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 4:19 PM, howard said…

Becky,

Part time shampoo girl? I don’t know if Sugar would go for that. The Shamp-Ohs are very popular.

My "Thorvald McGuire" costume was good? I seem to have a different recollection. I seem to remember something about your mother laughing a lot and beards falling off and elevator shoes breaking. On the other hand, the disadvantage to that costume was trying to pretend be someone that your mother and Dr. McCauley knew very well. A Mrs. Doubtfire outfit would not be anyone that they would recognize. Of course I could not go by that name, or the comparisons would be obvious.

I would like to live together with you again. I miss having someone to talk to and I have been very concerned that you need someone to keep an eye on you, just in case Dr. McCauley gets any more ideas about managing your career.

Still, I don’t know what Sugar would say. But there is no reason to ask her, if I don’t get the job. Your mom and Dr. McCauley might want to hire someone else. I’ll tell you what. I will apply for the job, and then see if I can negotiate hours if I get the job. Does that sound good?

Howard K.
At 5:06 PM, Anonymous said…

april, i got snagged by shannon lake. she sed, “jeremy. did…eva…evah…tell…u…she…wunted…ur…help…w/basketball?” i sed, “no, shannon. she must not want my help. there r lots of peeps who know basketball. she musta found sum1 else.” shannon sed, “sumtymez…it…iz…so…difficult…dealin’…w/kids…who…aren’t…special…needz. they…can…b…so…dense. i…need…u2…help…eva.” i sed, “yru pickin’ on me?” shannon sed, “cuz…i…know…u…will…do…it…&…cuz…eva…likes…u. come…on!” i sed, “eva duzn’t like me.” it didn’t mattah. shannon grabbed my arm & wuz pullin’ me along.

so shannon dragged me & her camera ovah 2 basketball. geranium wuz there, sittin’ on the bench, w/his hair kinda wet & garbagy-lookin’. eva sed, “wut ru doin’ here? i didn’t ask 4 ur help covering bouncy ball.” shannon sed, “u…hear…that? bouncy…ball! she…iz…n…desperate…need. a…gentleman…wud…help…her. ur…gonna…hafta…help…her…nstead.” i sed, “ok. eva, i’ll sit down here w/shannon & u can ask me questionz if u needta.” shannon growled, “no…jeremy. look…@wut…she…rote…&…fix…it.” i sed, “ok. shannon.” i muttered “touchy.” shannon sed, “i…heard…that. just…cuz…i’m…special…needz, duzn’t…mean…i…have…bad…hearing.” eva sed, “i guess it’s ok 2 luk @wut i rote. alex iz @the bucks w/april. don’t tell her u helped me, eh?”

so i looked @wut eva rote down. i sed, “’the line n the middle of the circley thingee’ iz actually called ‘the foul line’.” eva sed, “fowl az n a bird?” i sed, “no. foul az n sum1 broke a rule.” eva sed, “the same az n hockey?” i sed, “thass rite. az n a foul that resultz n a penalty.”

then i sed, “‘bouncing the bouncy ball on the floor & back 2 ur hand’ iz actually called ‘dribbling the ball.’” eva sed, “dribbling az when ur coffee dribblez down ur face?” i sed, “same spelling, not same meaning.”

then i sed, “’jumping up, grabbing the bouncy ball & swinging ur armz ‘round 2 knock the othah peeps off ur back’ iz actually called ‘rebounding the ball.’ eva sed, “like n hockey?” i sed, “a little like it. n hockey a rebound iz wen a puck bounces off the goalie.”

then i sed, “’jumpin’ up & shovin’ the bouncy ball n2 that little round fishin’ net sorta thingee.’ iz actually called ‘dunkin’ the ball.’ eva sed, “like dunking a doughnut n coffee?” i sed, “thass rite. & the ‘fishin’ net sorta thingee’ iz actually called ‘a basket.’” eva sed, ‘it duzn’t luk like a basket.’ i sed, ‘i know, but that iz still wut it’s called.”

neway, it wuz a long aftahnoon. aftah the game wuz ovah, eva ran off. shannon sed, “she’z…shy…cuz…she…likes…u.” shannon iz a little nuts.
At 5:12 PM, howard said…

Becky,

My opinion on your possible names:

From The CNN Science Page:
Mrs. Batsize – Possible.
Mrs. Pandaporn – No. Would get Dr. McCauley excited.
Mrs. Whaledied – No. Too sad.

From CNN Front Page:
Mrs. Greenline - Possible
Mrs. Couldsnap – No. Dangerous term around your mom.
Mrs. Bushspeaks – No. Would get Dr. McCauley excited.
Mrs. Bloodywindshield – No. Too sad.
Mrs. Udayhussein – No. Wrong political message.

From CNN US Page:
Mrs. Murdersuicide – No. Too sad.
Mrs. Katrina Evacuee – No. Wrong political message.
Mrs. Founddead – No. Too sad.
Mrs. Trashplant – Possible
Mrs. Fightturns – No. Dangerous term around your mom.
Mrs. Fakegun - No. Would get Dr. McCauley excited.
Mrs. Organflees - No. Would get Dr. McCauley excited.

Howard K.
At 5:24 PM, howard said…

Becky,

I am sure in polite company Mrs. Organflees is all right, but it is best not to use the term "organ" around Dr. McCauley. Mrs. Belfrieda Batsize is nice. Is that your favourite?

Howard K.
At 5:44 PM, howard said…

Becky,

Old lady would be best. I don't want your mother to think of me as a rival or to get Dr. McCauley interested. If he were to start looking up or down my dress too carefully, he might figure out it's a disguise.

Howard K.
At 5:53 PM, howard said…

Becky,

I'll be over as soon as I change out of my work dress into my dance dress. By the by, I have plenty of theatrical makeup.

Howard K.
At 6:06 PM, howard said…

April,

You should see Becky in this oversized tuxedo of Gerald’s. The pant legs are pinned up about 30 centimeters and so are the sleeves of the jacket, the hem of which comes down to her knees like a dress. At least she is wearing her own shoes and her own white blouse with a black bowtie. I asked her if she knew how to lead and she said, “I don’t even know how to ballroom. It’s Gerald and April that do that kind of dancing.” I think it will be an interesting experience dancing with Becky tonight.

Howard K.
At 7:08 PM, howard said…

April,

Well, Becky and I are going do a little swing dancing in a corner of the dance floor for awhile. Learning to foxtrot in the middle of a crowded dance floor is difficult. Plus these old geezers who like to ballroom dance are vicious. I swear I am going to have bruises. They just swing around like you’re supposed to get out of the way. Those bony elbows hurt!

Becky is determined to learn how to dance lead in order to let me show off dress flourishes (My dress is built to do that.). However, it is a skill she does not really need for either her personal or professional life. I think that eventually she will let me teach her the follow part and she can do the dress flourishes with her tux coat. It may sound like I am complaining, but I am really having a great time. Becky gets that determined look on her face and she is just so cute in her oversized tuxedo.

Howard K.
At 7:33 PM, April Patterson said…

no prob, alex. u seemed shaken up when u 1st showed up @ the 'bucks, but u were def. much calmer aft. we'd talked 4 a while. thingz r getting strange, eh?

howard, i m glad u & becks r having fun.

apes
At 8:15 PM, Anonymous said…

Bon soir, Avril and Avril's friends. I just happened to reed Eleezabeth's post, and I got so frustree. Je suis tres heureuse sans un homme! Peut-etre Deanna is catching "la maladie de stupidité" from her husband Michel. And Quebec is beautiful. Look at our drapeau! Blue and white have never looked so striking together. Je think that Deanna is displacing her sadness onto me. I pray beaucoup for her and les enfants, really.

Still, I have my health and my familie. And I look tres stylish in dangling green earrings. I think I'll go play with my cat Jean-Paul. And make myself a nice flan.

Maxine
At 9:02 PM, April Patterson said…

omg, becks! that's terrible, abt iris!

dennis, hm, i wonder if that's the same dennis who taught liz how 2 dance & went 2 anthony's wedding w/her.

maxine, i m glad 2 hear u r happy & not automatically miserable cuz of being single or quebecoise or living in quebec.

apes
At 9:27 PM, April Patterson said…

wow, it's cube that dennis is so in2 howard. he prolly likes the way howard dances, cuz howard's a v. gd dancer & so is dennis. i hope they get a chance 2 dance w/ea other 2nite, eh?

apes
At 10:42 PM, howard said…

April,

I have been dancing nonstop since we got here and this is my first opportunity to write a post to you to let you know how things are going. I have not really gotten to dance with your grandpa Jim since that time long ago when I performed with the New Bentwood Rockers and he got a little frisky during one of the Bobbie Curtola songs. Did I tell you that story? I don’t remember. As far as dancing goes, he knows a lot of the ballroom dances, plus a few moves that I had never done before. He is pretty good at leading, but as you might expect, his hand lead is not as strong as it was even 6 months ago, and there were occasions in which I had to support his weight. Still, for his age, he is exceptionally good. Of course there were a few times when he intentionally stumbled so he could get his head in my cleavage (such that it is). But, being pawed by older men is not really new to me, and your grandpa Jim is pretty harmless.

When we were done, I discovered that Becky had taken up with Dennis North, whom you know through your sister, I think. As you may recollect, the last time I had seen him, he punched me in the nose for my attack on your sister. He was extremely apologetic for that misunderstanding. Apparently Lawrence and Nick had let him know the truth of the matter. We left Becky while Dennis led me through a series of very complicated dance steps. It was like I was being tested to see how much I knew. We finally got to a point where I missed a few of his leads, probably from a lack of knowledge on my part. I think I dance well, but I am certainly not a professional like Dennis. Back at the table, Jim and Iris had joined Becky. This is our conversation as best I recollect it:

Jim: Howardina. You remind me of my dancing partner in my younger days. Of course, I couldn’t dance as well as this nice young man.

Dennis: My name is Dennis North. And you are?

Me: Pardon my manners. This is Iris and Jim Richards.

Dennis: Oh. Elizabeth’s grandparents.

Iris: You know Elizabeth?

Dennis: Yes. I escorted her to the wedding of Anthony and Thérèse Caine and also to a New Years Eve party a few years ago. I gave her dance lessons. {Audible sigh}.

Jim: You had a thing for my granddaughter did you? Well, I can’t say I blame you. She is a fine looking young woman. Now if she would just settle down.

Iris: I know. She let her childhood sweetheart marry another girl and she didn’t have a backup gay.

Becky: You old people are creeping me out. There is more to life than marriage you know.

Jim: You young guys are all alike. This generation doesn’t want to settle down.

Dennis: I want to settle down. But every time someone comes into my life, they leave.

Iris: A good-looking guy like you! There must be plenty of women for you. Don’t give up, just because Elizabeth left town.

Dennis: You don’t understand. You see, I am gay.

Iris: Oh, well that explains it. The gays in this town are mercilessly hunted down by the straight girls. You don’t stand a chance against them. Jim’s other granddaughter, the smart one; she already has a backup gay lined up. The rest of those teenage girls in Milborough are dumb as bricks compared to her.

Becky: Hey! I’m just as smart as April. Just because you don’t have a backup gay doesn’t mean you’re stupid.

Jim: Settle down young fellow. She was talking about girls, not boys.

{Becky pulls her hair out of her shirt collar and wipes off her moustache. Jim and Iris gasp.}

Jim: I heard of those instant sex change operations, but I never thought I would see one.

Iris: You’re that Becky girl that broke up April’s band. We’ve heard all about you. You rotten thing!

Becky: You didn’t think I was so rotten when you were slipping me that grandma tongue.

Iris: I thought you were a man then. That was a dirty trick, seducing me like that.

Jim: Dirty trick. That’s right. That was a dirty trick how you broke up April’s band. April’s band wasn’t good enough for you. I remember now. Good enough. Let me tell you about good enough.

Me: Jim. I have something to confess to you too. {I pulled off my wig. Jim and Iris gasp.}

Jim: Two sex change operations in one night. Wait a minute! It’s Coward.

Iris: What are you doing here Coward?

Jim: More importantly, when did you get implants?

Me: To your question Iris, dancing with my friend Becky, your husband and then Dennis.

Dennis: Yes. I am still here.

Me: To your question, Jim. Padded bra.

Jim: That’s good. I am not fond of those surgical enhancements. It doesn’t have the same feeling as good old-fashioned floppy skin.

Becky: You should know.

Iris: Rude girl. Howard, why are you with that rude Becky and not April? What kind of backup gay are you?

Dennis: You are April’s backup gay?

Me: I’ll tell you the story later.

Iris: Well, it’s been fascinating dancing with you two, but I see the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace bus driver has arrived to take us back. Before we go, Coward, promise me you’re not doing anything to hurt April.

Me: I promise. We’re just dancing.

Iris: That’s good to hear. Come on, Jim,

Your grandparents left and I explained to Dennis how I agreed to pretend to be your backup gay, so it would get your family off your back. Then I danced some more with Dennis and Becky. I have some more to tell you. But I need to take a break from posting. Becky and Dennis are waiting for me and they look impatient.

Howard K.
At 2:13 AM, howard said…

April,

I got Becky home and I have time to finish telling you what happened after I stopped dancing with Becky and Dennis. We sat down and had a conversation that went a little like this:

Dennis: So Howard, what have you been doing since I saw you last July?

Me: A little this, a little that. Nothing much.

Becky: He worked for my uncle as an electrician’s apprentice and burned down that sleazy place “The Gig”, he worked at my mom’s place Krystle Kakes & Pies as a pastry chef, he worked at the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant as the head chef, he worked at the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace as a custodian, he works at Sugar’s hair salon as the shampoo girl and pretty soon he’s going to be dressed up as an old woman and working as a live-in maid at my house. Oh and he was a dog for 3 weeks.

Dennis: Employment a little unstable since the attack?

Me: You could say that. What have you been doing, Dennis?

Dennis: I still play hockey in the city hockey league.

Me: Dad still hot on that?

Dennis: Yeah. And I am still in law school.

Me: Dad still happy with that?

Dennis: Oh, yeah. He checks the attorneys’ average salaries for Milborough, whenever they are listed. He is happy with a capital $.

Becky: Wait a minute. You two know each other?

Me: Yes. Dennis and I have been friends for a long time.

Becky: So you’ve done it with each other. What’s Howie like in bed?

Dennis: Wow! You go straight to the intimate questions, don’t you?

Me: Becky. Dennis and I have never been lovers. When he broke up with Martin, I think I was with Ross at the time.

Dennis: How is Ross?

Me: I don’t know and I don’t care. He didn’t stick by me when I needed him.

Dennis: I am really sorry about that. I should have stuck by you.

Me: Don’t be sorry. I know how you are about Elizabeth. Of course, at the time you told me about her, I didn’t know who she was. I just remembered being shocked at how you spoke of her.

Dennis: She came into town over Christmas. {sigh}

Me: I know {sigh}

Becky: What? What? Hello! You’re gay. You like big hairy men and Barbra Streisand.

Dennis: And butt sex. Don’t forget that.

Becky: Don’t remind me. What is it with you guys and Liz? It doesn’t make any sense to me. She’s not that pretty. She’s not that smart. She doesn’t have any kind of fashion sense. I’m better looking than she is.

Me: Patterson allure.

Dennis: Patterson allure.

Becky: Well that’s just crazy. April is my best friend and she’s a Patterson and she doesn’t have guys doing that around her.

Me: Oh no? How old was April, when Gerald first kissed her?

Becky: Let me think. It was back in 2003, just after we started 4-Evah. So, she was almost 12 and she was in grade 6.

Dennis: That’s kind of early. 12 years old.

Me: Technically 11, since you turn 12 in 6th grade.

Becky: Oh my god! April has the Patterson allure. That explains so much.

Me: I thought it would. You’re right about the fashion sense though, Becky.

Dennis: Don’t I know it. I told Liz, if you keep wearing that frumpy butch clothing, eventually people are going to start thinking you’re butch.

Me: And that hair that never goes out of a bun. Butch.

Becky: They get it from their mom, Jelly Fatterson. She forces April to wear her hair that way, and also the way she dresses.

Dennis: Let me tell you, I had to work hard on Liz to dress right at the Caine wedding. I practically had a Caine Mutiny on my hands and I could not get her to take her hair out of that bun.

Me: And did you notice that she seemed to dislike people from Québec?

Dennis: I thought I sensed some tension between her and Thérèse Caine.

Becky: Oh her whole family is like that about Québec, except April.

Me: April is a very sweet girl.

Dennis: I’m glad to hear that. So anyway, Howard. I was really impressed with your dancing tonight.

Me: Why thank you.

Dennis: Would you be willing to compete with me in dance competitions?

Me: Would I get to wear a dress?

Dennis: Absolutely.

Me: Sounds good to me. When would we start?

Dennis: There’s a dance competition this weekend. We need to practice a little, but you are excellent at taking a lead.

Me: Thank you again. I am looking forward to it.

Becky: Wait. Aren’t you going to start dating? You’re both single and gay. Dennis is super cute and Howie, you have a really great personality. You’re perfect for each other.

Me: Why Becky McGuire. You’re just a little matchmaker.

Becky: Not me. Dennis. Why did you ask me all those questions about Howie? I thought you were smitten.

Dennis: Well, I hadn’t seen Howard in awhile and I would’ve asked Howard those questions myself, but he was too busy dancing with Jim.

Me: Don’t sulk, Becky. I’ll be seeing Dennis regularly for dancing, assuming I don’t completely screw up at the dance competition.

Dennis: I promise that if I fall in love with Howard, we will have butt sex as often as possible.

Becky: I could do without you guys saying “butt sex.”

Dennis, Me: Butt sex. Butt sex. Butt sex.

Becky: That does it. You owe me dessert.

Me: Sounds good to me.

Dennis: Me too.

So we went for dessert. Dennis left us there and I took Becky home. Quite an evening for me and I get to do some dancing this weekend.

Howard K.

April's Real Blog

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Coffee Emergency @ Lilliput's

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