April's Real Blog

Friday, February 03, 2006

Mom wants to be a good example--for *Merrie*?

OK, I'm a bit cheezed off. So's Liz, we just had a lil chat abt this, that's Y this is l8.

Mom & Moira had a chat ovr coffee. Mom told Dad & me abt it 2day, even tho it happed on Tuesday. Moira, she was all, "So. U really want 2 sell the bookstore!" & Mom? She was like, "Being with my granddaughter has made me think, Moira. I want her 2 grow up 2 B all she can B. I want her 2 finish her education!" Moira was like, "U're not talking abt going back 2 school, R U?" Mom went, "I never finished my English degree. I got married & had kids." Moira asked, "What wd U have done if U had yr degree?" Mom: "I'm not so sure NEmore. .... I'd probably have opened a bookstore!" Erm, rite, cuz that's, like, the #1 occupation of former English majors, eh?

But here's the big WTF that has Liz an' me so pissed 2day. Being w/Merrie has made her think? She wants Merrie 2 grow up 2 B all she can B & finish her education? What abt chopped-liver Liz & chopped-liver April? Being w/us never made her think? Did she not care abt our education? Liz was, like, "April! I finished university, even with Mom's piss-poor xample? Don't U think I need sum props? & has she 4gotten that U haven't finished yrs yet?" I sed, "I think she's pretty much 4gotten abt me, period. MayB I oughta talk 2 Dunc's lawyer abt getting my education fundz put in2 a whattaya callit? Escrow-thingie? B4 Mom decidez it's free $ 2 finish her degree." Oh, & another thing. Y does she talk like Merrie doesn't have a mother who finished her own university degree. Pharmacy much?

& this bit abt her prolly opening a bkstore? That is so much bull! Mom usta want 2 B a writer. She even did freelance BS 4 a while, that's Y she's totally living thru Mike. I'm just, just. Just no, man, no.

So, Howard & Becks have been going thru sum interesting stuff w/Becky's dad planning a big Icelandic-style wedding 2 Kortney. But Becks, I M 2 afraid 2 say NEthing else abt it, cuz I cd accidentally piss off Kortney. & I wanna keep my teeth, eh?

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 10:20 AM  

20 Comments:

  • At 10:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Do you know a man named Thorvald McGuire? He asked me to write some traditional Icelandic wedding vows for him. He says he knows you.

    The other day, I was having lunch with Martha McRae, the Juliet to my teenage Romeo, at the deli. Although it was Martha who did most of the talking at lunch, I had the opportunity to do a lot of thinking. It was a pleasant conversation, only interrupted by Martha occasionally asking me if I had heard a word she said. In the middle of lunch, this tall blonde-haired man entered the deli and started berating Martha for being engaged. He pointed at me and asked if I was the man to whom she was engaged. As I listened, I watched her face and hands. Expressions and gestures I remembered from high school, laughter, phrases I'd forgotten all came to the fore and suddenly, we were both 14 again, and Martha was explaining why I was an unsuitable boyfriend, much less a marriage partner.

    Then the tall blonde-haired man described how he thought of Martha as a Nordic Viking warrior-woman bearing him strong sons. It was hard for me to picture. At first I saw my old friend Martha, now fat and with short hair. She has really let herself go. It is a harsh reality, when you realize that you are better looking than your old girlfriend. But I concentrated just on the freckles and the wide white smile that made me weak in the knees back when we were 14, and I could see her on that Viking ship, wearing a metal breastplate, with horns on her hat like Brunhillda, and the sound of the ship going through the icy fjords, breaking the ice with cold snaps, not unlike the snapping sound of the tall blonde-haired man’s fingers in front of my face as he asked me if I was still here.

    Martha told the tall blonde-haired man, she had asked me to lunch so I could help her write her wedding vows, because I am a professional writer, which I am, as you know. The tall blonde-haired man said I should write traditional Icelandic marriage vows for when he marries Martha. Martha said this was not going to happen, but the tall blonde-haired man (Thorvald McGuire was his name) said he was going to a jewelry store to purchase the engagement ring perfect for her. I suggested some traditional Icelandic marriages vows off the top of my head:

    Like Odin loves Freya,
    You, I will obeya.
    Like Thor loves Sif,
    You are my gif(t).

    I think Thorvald McGuire liked them and Martha was also impressed. They both told me they would contact me much later for the vows. You know if mom does get her English degree, perhaps she would be interested in some of this wedding vow work.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 11:19 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    This morning was different from the previous mornings I have had. The alarm clock actually woke me up, instead of some noise from the outside. My stomach was still rumbling from Kortney Krelbutz’s casserole (say that 5 times fast) from the previous evening and my arms were sore from all the weight-lifting I did when I got home from Kortney and Thorvald’s place last night. I put on the Belfrieda Batsize costume, gathered together a clean blouse and a clean shirt and started breakfast preparations. In the kitchen, I saw a cardboard box with a bunny inside it. “This is curious,” I thought. Becky came down for breakfast and said, “Where’s mom and creepy?” I said, “I don’t know. I usually see them by this time in the morning.” So, I went to their bedroom and knocked lightly on the door and said in my Belfrieda Batsize voice, “Sir. Ma’am. Breakfast is ready. Will you be joining the young miss?” There were some noises, the door opened and there was Dr. McCauley in a robe. He said, “Mom. Could you bring me breakfast up here today?” I looked around him to the bed, not knowing what to expect. Lying in it was Krystle. She said, “Yes. My hero needs a big breakfast to give him the strength to go on.” I said, “Certainly, sir. I can bring breakfast here. Will you want the same, ma’am?” Krystle said, “Yes. And could you bring some jelly or preserves?” I said, “Certainly ma’am. What do you want me to do with the rabbit in the box?” Dr. McCauley said, “Could you call the same people you called yesterday, mom, and let them know another vicious beast has been subdued?” I said, “Certainly, sir. Do you need me to take the young miss to school?” Krystle said, “Oh her. Yes, you better do that. I don’t think Ted and I are leaving this room until he has been properly rewarded for his bravery.”

    So, the Milborough Animal Control Services picked up the rabbit and I took Becky to school. A rather uneventful morning for a change.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 11:32 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, if u ever bothered 2, like, keep track of who my friends & their 'rents r, u'd know thorvald mcguire is my friend becky's dad.

    howard, weird how rabbits keep showing up @ becky's house. r there rabbit treats lying around the place?

    alex, don't worry abt losing eva 2 the a-girlz. they still won't let in ne1 who's not grade 11.

    apes

     

  • At 11:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, wut’s up w/eva? i asked her if she need ne more help w/unnerstandin’ basketball & she sed, “i don’t like sports!” n a rilly loud voice. i sed, “ok, eva, u don’t hafta make a big deal outa it.” she sed, “ava.” i sed, “wut?” she sed, “my name iz ava.” i sed, “wen did this happen?” she sed, “i’m 2 bizzy 2 talk 2u. i hafta put on sum more makeup & perfume. i hafta meet w/abigail, acadia, alyssa, & ashley 2 make fun of the freaky kidz.” it wuz weird.

     

  • At 11:41 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    eva/ava is trying 2 get in w/the grade-11 a-girlz. but i think she'z gonna get hurt when they remind her she's 2 grade-9ish, like the alwayz end up doing w/us grade-9 girlz.

    apes

     

  • At 11:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Such hostility, little sister. I don’t know why you expect me to keep track of who your friends and their parents are. When I moved away from Sharon Park Drive, you were only 3 years old, so it’s not like I ever met your friends, much less their parents. Are you still mad at me for teaching mom how to read your IM history on the computer?

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 11:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I finished my late night work shift and after I finish sleeping, I should be on my way to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) to visit your sister and Shiimsa. I am armed with cross-country skis, yellow roses, and a nice roll of string to demonstrate my string theory to Shiimsa. It should be a good visit.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 12:14 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, hi, mike. i guess i shd feel honoured that u even remember u have a 2nd sister, eh? cuz, like, in this month's letter, u seem 2 think u only have 1 sister (liz):

    I remember being put into a hot bath, clean pajamas and snuggling by the fireplace with my sister. I'm remembering more and more good things about my sister these days. We don't fight any more. There's no resentment or competition or jealousy - (and I miss it in a way - we used to have some great fights!)

    yeh, u left when i was 3. usually, that makes u 4get i was ever born, eh?

    apes

    p.s. paul, i hope u & liz have a nice visit!

     

  • At 12:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I understand now. It was my monthly letter that upset you. I could swear I put something about you in my letter and that comment about Liz isn’t right either. Liz and I had a big fight over Christmas about the article I was going to write about her love life for my weekly column “Edgewise.” I must have forgotten to put it in. When you get close to 30 and you work as much as I do, sometimes you are a little forgetful. However, not so forgetful to forget I have 2 sisters. I have mentioned you in my monthly letters before, you know.

    I enjoyed reading your monthly letter. It spoke kindly of me.

    I miss having Mike and Liz around the house...it seems like such a long time until I can move out and have my own place.

    At first it confused me, because I didn’t think you were old enough to remember my living there. But then I remembered that Merrie is the same age now you were then, and she is very advanced for her age. After all, mom says she wants Merrie to be all that she can be. Maybe at 3, you were advanced, like Merrie is now.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 1:11 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, if u r gonna post here, mayB u shd take the time 2 read sum of my daily entriez. every month, i comment on our fam letterz, & i xplained that part u quoted:

    So, what was I on abt w/missing Mike & Liz living w/us? Mike moved out when I was three, so it's not like I even remember him living there. I do miss Liz. Mom added "Mike" in 4 sum kinda "equal time" sorta reason, I guess.

    apes

     

  • At 2:00 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, i hope it wd b 1 of those rubber-blade toy axez.

    apes

     

  • At 2:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Becky,

    A Thorvald McGuire just left me a message asking me to be a consultant for his "authentic Viking-style wedding." I am quite touched!

    Helga

     

  • At 3:39 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    freyfaxi. cube!

    the hockey guyz r getting ready 4 today's game against nos yeux gouger separate school. wish 'em luck!

    apes

     

  • At 4:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    OWW! MY EYE!!!

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

     

  • At 4:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear April,

    Paul is here. Shiimsa is happily distracted with the presents that Paul brought for her: string and yellow roses.

    Unfortunately, Paul read my monthly letter on the family website and became confused. He brought his cross-country skis with him. I had to explain to him that I only put that stuff about cross-country skiing in the letter so Mom wouldn't think we were "hiking." We might end up going skiing after all, though. I didn't realize how much we used to rely on hiking as an activity to fill our time together.

    But this time we have some important planning to do--for your visit! We are talking about all the things we are going to do with you when you are here. I think Paul is really looking forward to meeting you.

    Liz

     

  • At 5:07 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ooch! poor ger got a puck 2 the eye 1/2way thru the game. he's got a patch on it now. :(

    also, we lost. 2-0. well, can't win every time, eh?

    i'm really lookin' forward 2 my visit, liz! shd i bring skis?

    apes

     

  • At 5:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Puck? What puck? My eye was gouged by that cretin playing left wing for the other team!

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

     

  • At 6:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    Shiimsa and I have been doing very well. She shredded one rose and chewed on another and there are plenty left to keep her occupied, when I have to take a rest from twirling the string for her.

    Your sister explained to me that sometimes she does not put the truth in her monthly letter, so she can conceal things from her mother. After being in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), which I sometimes think of as the Land of Busybodies, I understand why she needs her privacy. Since Shiimsa has forbidden hiking, she may approve cross-country skiing for our exercise. Shiimsa has very good sense of when your sister has been in her apartment too long. After a good session of playing with the string and munching on roses she said, “Meerorr. Meorw.” And your sister said, “Yes. Shiimsa. I think Paul and I do need to some skiing tomorrow. That is an excellent idea.” Shiimsa is a very wise cat.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 8:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Friends,

    You will be pleased to hear that our coach registered a complaint against Nos Yeux Gouger Separate School with the league administrative board. We feel that our defeat, 0-2, should not stand because of NYG's repeated use of the illegal "thumb-to-eye foul." The results of our appeal will be announced sometime next week.

    You will also be pleased to learn that the ophthalmologist assures us that all five of the R.P. Boire players who were the recipients of said foul will all regain normal vision in 2-3 weeks. The bad news is that our injuries are likely to keep us off the ice until then. Back to warming the bench for me.

    Truth be told, I am not upset to hear that I will have to miss the game against Leche-Cul Boys' Preperatory next week. I hear that they've developed an illegal foul technique that is really quite disgusting.

    More good news: I get to wear a cool eyepatch! I look like a pirate!

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

     

  • At 2:39 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    It has been quite an evening and I am just now getting the time to post to you what happened when Becky got home this evening.

    I had been inside the house in my Belfrieda Batsize outfit preparing dinner, when Krystle and Lars came home. I said, “Is the young miss with you, ma’am?” Krystle said, “No. Her father picked her up from the bakery. I don’t know if she is going to make dinner. Lars is eating with us tonight.” I said, “Goodness, ma’am. That is bringing things out in the open.” Krystle said, “He’s not here as a lover. He’s here as a dinner guest.” Lars said, “You do not want Lars to make with the sexing?” Krystle said, “Maybe later, Lars.” Then Dr. McCauley came in the door and he was with a young woman, who had short blonde hair and a ruddy complexion. He said, “I’m home, mom. I brought one of my coworkers from the office to have dinner with us, this is Laura.” I recognized her lipstick and perfume immediately and knew it was not actually an office coworker. I said, “Yes, sir. I will put on an extra plate.”

    Laura said, “Ted. This house, C'est fantastique!” Dr. McCauley said, “I told you it was nice.” Krystle said, “Ted. Since you refused to hire such a good worker as Lars as our maid, he is now working at my bakery.” Dr. McCauley said, “That’s great. Really great. Do you like working at the bakery, Lars?” Lars said, “Lars likes pastries.” Dr. McCauley said, “Excellent use of the 3rd person, Lars.” Lars said, “Lars is only one person.”

    Just then Apollo and Zeus started barking like mad. I went to the window and saw Becky walking with a small horse. I said to Krystle, “Ma’am. Has the young miss taken up horse-riding lessons?” Krystle said, “Horse-riding? Oh my god, she’s bringing Thorvald’s monster dog here. Quick, go lock the gates.” Lars said, “Lars like Freyfaxi. He is 100% pure Icelandic Hellhound.” I said, “Freyfaxi?” Lars said, “Freyfaxi is dedicated to the god Freyr. Lars learned today.” I said “Freyfaxi is the coolest pet name ever.” Laura said, “That dog. C'est fantastique!”

    Krystle said, “That animal is not coming in my yard or my house. I can smell it from here. It smells like freshly made Icelandic food.” My stomach was a little revolted at the thought of that. Krystle said, “Mrs. Batsize. Go and handle the situation.” Dr. McCauley said, “That dog would eat mom alive. Send Lars to handle it.” Krystle said, “So you’re saying Lars would make a better maid than Mrs. Batsize, eh?” Dr. McCauley said, “Mom is frail woman. That dog would snap her in half.” Krystle said, “So you’re saying I should fire Mrs. Batsize and hire Lars, eh?” Dr. McCauley said, “Mooom!” I said, “Don’t worry, sir. I can handle the situation.”

    When I got outside, Apollo and Zeus were barking like crazy at Freyfaxi and Freyfaxi was returning the barking favour. Becky was barely able to hold Freyfaxi back, which is to say she was slowing him down a little. The dog looked like he was twice Becky’s weight. Becky said, “Mrs. Batsize. Keep back. We are going to have a disaster.” I said, “Honestly. I think you forget my background sometimes, young miss.” I grabbed Zeus and Apollo by their little now pretty nasty tuxedos and pulled them back. Then I approached Freyfaxi, whose mouth was easily big enough to swallow my head in one bite. I started humming softly "Our Country's God", written by Matthías Jochumsson, with music by Sveinbjörn Sveinbjörnsson, the national anthem of Iceland. Freyfaxi started calming down and when I got to him, I gave his muzzle several calming strokes. He was like a little puppy in no time. But then I had to deal with Zeus and Apollo. Becky said, “Why are they going so crazy?” I said, “This may sound nuts, but I believe it is because they represent Greek dieties. Dogs of different pantheons don’t like to mix.” Becky said, “You’re right. It sounds nuts.” I said, “Hold onto Freyfaxi, until I calm them down.” Becky said, “Like I could stop Freyfaxi, if I wanted.”

    I went to Zeus and Apollo and gave them several calming strokes. It wasn’t working until I mentioned a few things to them. Then I motioned Becky to bring Freyfaxi over. She did relunctantly. I mentioned a few things to him. The 3 dogs nuzzled each other and sniffed each others' butts. Becky asked, “What did you do to them?” I said, “I mentioned their common enemy, the Romans.” Becky said, “I am waving the B.S. flag now. The Vikings never met the Romans.” I said, “OK. I promised them steak, if they behaved.”

    Krystle popped her head out of the door of the house and said, “No stinking dogs. Mrs. Batsize. Those dogs must be bathed. See to it.” Dr. McCauley popped his head out of the door and said, “Mom. I thought you were allergic to dogs.” Lars popped his head out of the door and said, “Lars likes dogs.” Laura popped her head out of the door and said, “Ted. Votre mère. C'est fantastique!”

    I tried to get all the dogs into the garage, where I placed a giant tub of warm water and several towels for drying. The dogs would not budge. I stroked, I promised more steak, I discussed the joys of disemboweling cats with them. Nothing worked. I knew brute force would not do it, particularly with the massive size of Freyfaxi. Then out of the blue, all 3 dogs raced into the yard out of control, and I saw the object of their discontent, rodents. Electrified rodents. My initial thought was, “Well this should be interesting.” However, Becky panicked and said, “Don’t let them hurt the bunnies, Mrs. Batsize. One of them may be April’s rabbit.” So we raced after them. We needn’t have worried. There was a zapping sound as the bunnies ran from the yard and the 3 dogs were twitching on the ground. I said, “This is perfect.” Becky said, “What a horrible thing to say, Mrs. Batsize.” I picked up Zeus, Becky got Apollo, and between the two of us we carried Freyfaxi into the garage. All 3 dogs were washed, dried and groomed before they could recover from being electrified. I even removed those nasty tuxedos from Apollo and Zeus. The 3 dogs were horrified. I could tell they felt violated in some sort of doggy way, but they soon got over it when I hauled out the beef.

    After all this, Dr. McCauley called out to the garage. “Moom! I’m hungry.” So, we left the 3 dogs chewing on meat bones, while Becky and I went inside. Lars and Laura and Krystle were already seated. I said, “I am so sorry, sir. It was more difficult washing the dogs than I thought it would be.” Krystle said, “Lars would have been on time.” Lars said, “Lars likes coming on time.”

    I served dinner to the 4 of them and Becky, who seemed to be delighted at the situation. Becky said, “So, Laura. How do you know Ted?” Dr. McCauley said, “Laura and I know each other from work?” Laura said, “Ted is a fast worker. C'est fantastique!” Becky said, “Lars. What do you and mom do in the storage room of the bakery all day long?” Krystle said, “We are stocking supplies for making pastries, as you well know, Becky.” Lars said, “Lars likes Krystle’s warm oven.” Then after dinner, Dr. McCauley said, “Laura. I would like to show you the den and we can discuss business.” Krystle said, “Lars I would like to show you my bedroom and we can discuss business.” So, each of them left. Becky said, “I have been around April so long, I really want to make a pun about the word ‘business’.”

    Shortly after the pun, Thorvald showed up and on him was a smell I consider even more horrific than Icelandic food, it was the smell of Anne Nichols’ cooking. I said, “You’ve been eating Anne Nichols’ cooking.” He said, “I’ve been eating more of Anne Nichols than her cooking.” Becky said, “I don’t need to hear this dad.” Thorvald said, “Becky-Thora. Even with your half-breed Icelandic / English background, you have to understand a Icelandic man can not repress his true nature.” Becky sighed a big sigh and we went into the garage to get Freyfaxi and Thorvald said, “What have you done to Freyfaxi? This is worse than when Odin slept and Loki usurped Asgard, the hall of heroes, by bringing in his Ice Giant cousins to live there.” Becky said, “What’s the big deal? Have you never seen a clean dog before?” Thorvald said, “Oh that’s what happened. I thought you had dyed his hair a different, lighter colour.”

    A few more things happened before Thorvald left with Freyfaxi and Becky may tell you about those, if she so desires. Neither Apollo or Zeus would sleep in my room, and both chose Becky’s. I think they were still offended by my removing their tuxedos.

    Howard K.

     

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