April's Real Blog

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Moira: Memory Loss or Strategy

So, back to Mom's Tuesday. She sed, "I'm thinking abt selling Lilliput's, Moira." Which hits me as a bit rood cuz Bea was standing rite there, 2. Moira was all, "Really? But sales R up, we have new customerz all the time--it's doing so well!" & Mom was all, "I know--and I'm proud of what we've done. I just think it's time to..." Bea interrupted with, "But U've created a landmark, Elly!" L8r on, Bea told me that just then, she noticed thru the corner of her eye that Moira shot her a major WTF look. Like, "Who's created a landmark, newbie?" NEway, Mom was all, "Thanks, Bea." Then Moira sed, "U alwayz sed U loved running this store. What changed yr mind?" & Mom was like, "This store has started to run me!" Wha? What on earth does she mean by that? She's barely ever there, how is the store running her? Mom, I learned a vocab word this week. DILETTANTE. I think that's Mom. But I'm confused Y Moira was acting all surprised abt the idea of Mom selling, when just last yr she was, like, having seekrit meetings w/Dad abt buying it? Did she lose her memory all of a sudden, or is this a special strategy she's trying out w/Mom?

NEway, Becky's Dad dropped a bomb yesterday by telling her he planz 2 marry Kortney! Becks & Howard are both not happy abt that. We'll hafta C what happs, eh?

Alex, U hafta tell us the rest of yr story abt Drew Fontaine. He wanted U 2 go where?

Dunc, NE newz abt Mr. **** & thoze chargez?

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 8:42 AM  

32 Comments:

  • At 11:05 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i just saw astrid, asia, & artemis chasing u down the hall. do u need me 2 call the principal? security?

    apes

     

  • At 12:34 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    No worries about not being mentioned n yr monthly ltr, Apes! I know yr mom rewrites them. Bsides, she still doesn't know my name. She's always calling me "nice native girl's half sister." lol

    Sum1 shd call security or police--Alianna, Arianna, Anya & Amelie r walking after Jeremy now. & their cell fones r in diff shades of pink, how fashioniable, NOT. Which 1 of them wears Benetton perfume? That stuff makes me sneeze.

    Vicks

     

  • At 12:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, about wut u saw w/astrid, artemis, and asia chasin’ me n the hall. it wuz cuz i made a mistake. wen i got 2 skool this morning, the 1st thing that happened wuz this group of blonde girlz came up 2 me & sed, “jeremy jones. iz becky mcguire gonna do a valentine’z day partee & can u get us n?” i sed, “i asked rebeccah ‘bout that & she sed (i’m quoting) ‘stay away frum my xxclusive friend w/ bennies or i'll smash those xxpensive perfume bottles on their heds.’ the girlz sed, ‘well that wuz kinda rude.’ i sed, “i know. rebeccah wuz n a bad mood yestuhday, cuz of sum famly stuff. so, my dad iz doin’ a valentine’z day show & i got u sum comp tickets. which 1 of u iz abigail, acadia, alyssa, & ashley? i’m not v. gud @perfume smellz." the girlz giggled & sed, “we’re not abigail, acadia, alyssa, & ashley. we’re astrid, asia, & artemis. but we will b glad 2 take thoze tickets.” i sed, “sorry. theze r 4 abigail, acadia, alyssa, & ashley.” the girlz luked @each othah & sed, “do u think we can take him? yeah, sure. he’s 2 old 2 defend himself.” so then they jumped me & i barely got away. thass wen u saw me running down the hall.

    wut u didn’t c wuz wut wuz @the end of the hall. it wuz anothah group of blonde girlz. i got a little confuzed wen i saw them, cuz i thot mebbe the girlz that were b-hind me chasing had gotten n front of me. then i noticed there were 4 of them n front of me & 3 of them b-hind me. the blonde girlz n front sed, “jeremy jones. did u talk 2 becky mcguire, yet?” i sed, while i wuz panting, “yes. i can’t talk. thoze girlz r chasin’ me.” the blonde girlz n front of me sed, “oh them. we can handle them.” so, i stood b-hind the gang of 4 & the gang of 3 stopped n front of them. the gang of 3 sed, “step off, abigail, acadia, alyssa, & ashley. that old man haz sumthin’ of ourz.” the gang of 4 sed, “who ru talkin’ 2, wannabeez? we have bizness w/the old man & it duzn’t involve u.” the gang of 3 sed, “oh, yeah, hazbeenz.” the gang of 4 sed, “yeah. wut ru gonna do ‘bout it?” well, then all 7 girlz whipped out their cell phonez & started dialin’ & talkin’. i cudn’t follow wut wuz happening, but pretty soon the gang of 3 walked away.

    then, the gang of 4, abigail, acadia, alyssa, & ashley sed 2 me, “so wut did becky mcguire say ‘bout us goin’ 2 her party?” i sed, “i asked rebeccah ‘bout that & she sed (i’m quoting again) ‘stay away frum my xxclusive friend w/ bennies or i'll smash those xxpensive perfume bottles on their heds.’ 1 girl sed, “bennies?” the othah girl sed, “u know. amphetamines - speed, crystal, crank, meth, black beauties, uppers, dexies, 357 magnums.” the 3rd girl sed, “oh. i didn’t know becky did drugz, but i guess singin’ starz do.” the 4th girl sed, “wuz she sayin’ we don’t have enuff perfume on our heds?” the 1st girl sed, “cud b. we shud put sum more on.” so then all 4 girlz whipped out their perfumez & spritzed. there wuz a little cloud ovah them & i coughed. then the girlz sed, “so wut ‘bout the party.” i sed, “i can’t get u n2 rebeccah’z party. so, my dad iz doin’ a valentine’z day show & i got u sum comp tickets 2 that. iz that ok?” the girlz sed, “enuff 4 us & our d8es?” i sed, “thass rite.” they sed, “thanx jeremy. 1 girl sed, ‘i’ll c wut i can do ‘bout gettin’ u that new locker. the othah girl sed, “i’ll b savin’ a seat 4 u & becky @lunch @the grade 11 cool table.” the 3rd girl sed, “if u do detention, lemme know. i’m alwayz there.” the 4th girl sed, “wen u want me 2 do ur makeup, lemme know.” so, i gotta new lockah & it wuz freaky sittin’ w/rebeccah @lunch @the grade 11 cool table. thass anothah story that mebbe rebeccah can tell.

    i hafta stop posting, there’z anotha group of 4 blondez followin’ me & they don’t smell the same az abigail, acadia, alyssa, & ashley. how do i know that?

     

  • At 12:47 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    aw, man, becks. wd u like me 2 call u @ a certain time so u can pretend u've got a big emerg & need 2 leave?

    vicks, my mom is a total freak, no joke. i can't keep track of who wears which perfume, but i know drexel snaggletooth is like totally allergic 2 1 of them & he's runnin' down the hallz sneezing his head off.

    apes

     

  • At 1:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    vicki, this iz wut happened with alianna, arianna, anya & amelie. i just finished my last post & noticed them following me. i started walking faster thinkin’ it wuz astrid, artemis, & asia w/a blonde reinforcement. then they started walkin’ faster. so then i went n2 the boys’ washroom 2 escape. but they went n rite aftah me. i sed, “this iz the boyz’ washroom. ur not allowed n here.” 1 of them sed, “ru kiddin’? there’z not ne place n the skool we can’t go.” the othah 1 sed, “come on outa here, jeremy jones. we needta talk 2u.” i sed, “no. astrid, asia, & artemis & othah girl who luks like them that i don’t know. i alreddy told u, thoze comp tickets were 4 abigail, acadia, alyssa, & ashley.” the girlz giggled & sed, “we’re not astrid, asia, & artemis. we’re alianna, arianna, anya & amelie. our cell fones r in diff shades of pink.” i sed, “oh, sorry. i didn’t luk @ur fones.” they sed, “we don’t want 2 talk 2u n here. it’s dreary & stinky.” i sed, “ok.” & i left the boys’ washroom. i sed, “wut do u want?” they sed, “we heard u got abigail, acadia, alyssa, & ashley comp ticketz 2 ur dad’z valentine’z day show, but u didn’t give comp tickets 2 astrid, asia, & artemis.” i sed, “thass rite. i only got enuff tickets 4 abigail, acadia, alyssa, & ashley.” 1 girl sed, “well, jeremy. u have unwittingly cre8ed an imbalance n the space-time continuum of popular girlz.” i sed, “wut?” anothah girl sed, “arianna. it iz so not cool 2 talk ‘dr. who.’ thass 4 sci fi geeks.” arianna sed, “sorry. i keep 4gettin’.” the othah girl sed, “thass y we don’t get nvited 2 the same partiez az abigail, acadia, alyssa, & ashley.” i sed, “so wut do u want?” the 4 girlz sed, “comp tickets. astrid, asia, & artemis r wannebeez & we cannot b grouped w/them. they don’t evn have a 4th girl n their group. if u get us comp tickets like abigail, acadia, alyssa, & ashley then we won’t b grouped w/ astrid, asia, & artemis.” i sed, “i’ll call my dad & c if he haz ne more comps.” alianna, arianna, anya & amelie sed, “thanx jeremy. ur a gud guy, evn if u don’t d8 alexandra ne more.” i sed, “wut do u mean?” they sed, “if alexandra wuz 2 gradez higher, she cud join us. she haz potential.” i sed, “wut about rebeccah?” they sed, “2 ‘r’-ish. or ‘b’-ish. she wud hafta change her name.” so, thass wut happened. i hafta call my dad now & c if he haz nemore comps.

     

  • At 1:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, if u cd go 2mtig w/me, that wd b so cube!

    i don't know y my mom didn't think of me stayin' @ yr house again this time. there'z no figuring w/her. i don't think she even rememberz that moira wanted 2 buy the store & that my dad had a discussion w/her abt it less than 1 yr ago! so this time around, mayB all her brain cd handle was "connie lives next door", eh?

    apes

     

  • At 1:26 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Gd question, Becks....I guess bcause I'm French-Canadian on my dad's side. But Marjee isn't 100% First Nations either (yr dad's Scottish, rite? I forget sumtimes!) so that's a puzzler.

    I saw Drexel running toward Nurse Horbreth's office right after I left the girls' restroom. I couldn't see NEthing n there--just a dense fog of hairspray & perfume. Abigail, Acadia, Alyssa & Ashley were going on about how well-connected "that geezer Jeremy" is.

    I hope my sneezes stop b4 the curling game 2day. R.B. Boire's playing Chaminade College School n North York. Our team's on a 4-game winning streak, so it'll b fun 2 c if they can keep it going. If NE1 wants 2 join me, give me a holler!

    Vicks

     

  • At 1:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, remember that time yr dad took us 2 toronto & he almost slugged a guy who was all "zeus wd kick thor's arse in a fite"? & yr dad was like, "the norse godz r a million-x tuffer than the namby-pamby greek godz"?

    apes

     

  • At 1:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    that's so weird. i posted that last comment after becky's, but it showed up b4. blogger is kooky.

    apes

     

  • At 1:55 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I had a very strange morning. I was sleeping peacefully, when I heard this sound from outside the house. It was a woman shrieking. I got up, looked out the window and saw Krystle McGuire standing on top of her car. At the foot of the car was a rabbit. At first I thought it was your rabbit again, but after I put on the Belfrieda Batsize costume, went outside and got closer to it, I saw it was a completely different bunny. A bunny that was not in any way, shape, form or fashion like your bunny. Well, I guess the shape was similar.

    I took a cardboard box and a broom and coaxed the bunny into it. Then I helped Krystle off of her car. I said, “I have the rabbit secured, ma’am. I am sorry that it frightened you when you came home from work at 4 in the morning.” Krystle said, “Is Dr. McCauley home?” I said, “I don’t know ma’am. I went to bed before he came back. However, if he is home, you might want to change that blouse.” Krystle said, “Why? What’s wrong with it?” I said, “Blood stains ma’am. On your back.” Krystle said, “Dammit. I told Lars not to do that.” I said, “Language, ma’am.” Krystle said, “Oh, shut the {F-word} up, you old bat.” I said, “Would ma’am like a clean blouse?” Krystle said, “Do you have one handy?” I said, “Yes, ma’am. Let me get you one.” As she was changing her blouse, who should happen to come home but Dr. McCauley? Krystle said, “Dammit. Why did he have to come home from cleaning his mother’s house right now? I knew I should have checked the bedroom first.” And she ran into a washroom and closed the door. Dr. McCauley said, “Oh, mom. I knew you would be up waiting for me. Do you have a clean shirt for me?” I said, “Yes, sir.” As he was changing his shirt, I noticed it was yet another different perfume and lipstick from the previous 2 nights. I said, “Sir. Please thank the young lady for me, for changing to a more easily washable lipstick from the one she used yesterday.” Dr. McCauley said, “Oh, mom. I hate to disappoint you, but it is not the same lady as yesterday or the day before.” I said, “Goodness, sir. 3 women?” Dr. McCauley said, “The best things come in threes.” I said, “That’s a little crude, sir.” Dr. McCauley said, “Oh, sorry mom.” As he was taking off his shirt, I said, “Bite marks, sir?” Dr. McCauley said, “Dammit. I told Allison not to do that.” I said, “Sir. Language, sir.” Dr. McCauley said, “Oh sorry mom, I forgot. And you didn’t hear that name, right mom?” I said, “What name is that sir?” Dr. McCauley said, “I knew I could count on you, mom.” While Dr. McCauley was changing his shirt, I went to the washroom and noticed that Krystle had already left and gone to her bedroom. I then called the Milborough Animal Control Services to pick up the rabbit.

    At breakfast, Krystle (Becky’s mother) was in a pretty suspicious mood. Dr. McCauley said, “Mom. You do wonders in the kitchen. Another great breakfast.” I said, “Thank you, sir.” Krystle said, “Crepes for breakfast. These are very similar to a breakfast I had a few months ago. Mrs. Batsize, I would like you to clean out the cellar today.” Dr. McCauley said, “That does need to be cleaned.” Becky said, “It stinks down there. You better watch out for rodents." Krystle shrieked and then she said, “Ted, if we had hired Lars the bodybuilder to be our maid, then he would never have had this rodent problem.” Dr. McCauley said, “Don’t be ridiculous. Milborough has had problems with electrified rodents since this time last month. It’s not mom’s fault.” At that point, someone was at the front door. It was the Milborough Animal Control Services. I gave them the rabbit and the Animal Control man said, “Another electrified rodent. It’s funny seeing them out here. We thought we had them rounded up except for the Sharon Park Drive area. Something must have stirred them up. They are wandering about, as if they no longer have any direction.” I said, “That is very curious.”

    Dr. McCauley and Krystle left for work. I drove Becky to school when she got the call from her dad asking us to dinner. I said, “What about your mother and Dr. McCauley?” Becky said, “Make the dinner for them at 6 and I’ll say I need you as a driver and escort for dinner at my dad’s at 7.” I agreed, but frankly the thought of having dinner with Kortney and Thorvald is twisting my stomach into knots, emotionally. I am not looking forward to it.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 2:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    vicki, i will b v.v. glad 2 go 2c the r.p. boire jv curling team play chaminade college school n north york, if that's ok w/u. rebeccah iz bizzy aftah skool @her mom'z shop & then she iz havin' dinner w/her dad & howeird & klepto kortney krelbutz. so she will not b around 2 protect me. i need sum1 2 hang w/thass not a grade 11 blonde & rebeccah trusts. i kinda smell like a lotta diffrent perfumez rite now. i hope thass not a problem.

     

  • At 2:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i had this weird xperience rite after lunch 2day. anastasia, arlette, ada, and annaliese came up 2 me, & ada was holding a clipboard. arlette was all, "anastasia, what do u think?" anastasia sed, "ok, 1st of all, 2 grade 9-ish." ada goes, "2 grade 9-ish, check!" & marks off sumthing on her clipboard. then anastasia goes, "april, that's an 'a' name, tho it's a bit 2 monthish." ada: "a-name good, monthish, bad" & marks off on her clipboard. arlette goes, brown hair, bangs, ponytail. all bad." ada checks stuff off on her clipboard. then they asked 2 c my fone & sed it was the wrong colour. then arlette was all, "not enuf make-up. not enuf perfume. not skinnee enuf." ada, again w/the clipboard. then they stomped off, calling after ally oxenfrie. whatevs, eh?

    apes

     

  • At 2:36 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jewelry store thing? what jewelry store thing? ::whistling::

    apes

     

  • At 2:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Howard--

    I am sorry that I didn't contact you when I got back to Milborough. Frankly, when you finked out on our wedding, I was more hurt than I let on. I was planning to contact you after I was sure that I was completely over you.

    Also, I have a jewelry store heist planned, and I am pretty sure you would not approve.

    Now that I am marrying Thorvald, though, I hope we can be friends. I look forward to seeing you at dinner tonight.

    Your friend, Kortney

    P.S.--April Patterson, if you rat me out about the jewelry store thing, you will be glad your dad is a dentist who is friends with a gastroenterologist, because they will have to pick your teeth out of your esophagus before they can reimplant them.

     

  • At 3:11 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Cube, Jeremy, if Becks is cool w/u going 2 the game. Every1 knows u & Becks are friends w/benefits & me & Gordie r 2together 4ever. Head injuries can't keep us apart, no matter what my mom sez. North York is supposed 2 b a blonde grade 11 girl-free zone, if Gordie's right, so u should b safe.

    So I'll try 2 get some good pics of the game--u can b my spotter!

    I understand about the wedding, Becks. Yr & Marjee's dad still hasn't 4given my mom 4 moving on & marrying my dad. & if I evah run n2 him I'll keep quiet about the Irish ancestry!

    Vicks

     

  • At 3:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i dunno y blogger keeps doing that, becks! i hope this message doesn't suddenly show up b4 the 1 i'm answering now, eh?

    i'm @ the bookstore now & yr dad just walked in, all, "hello, april marian johnsdottir patterson!" i'd better c what he wants, eh?

    apes

     

  • At 3:42 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, it turnz out yr dad was here 2 buy 2 books, nordic wedding traditions & take control of yr fertility. he sed the 2nd book is a present 4 kortney.

    apes

     

  • At 4:20 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    my mom makes an xtra-specially big deal abt the children's books, but she sells books 4 all agez. speaking of which, i thot u & howard wd prolly want 2 know abt a book yr mom just came in here & bot. it's called 1001 ways 2 sabotage the household help. as she was leaving, she was muttering sumthing abt lars.

    apes

     

  • At 4:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Becks,

    Birth-Dad Thor was just here to get his highlights brightened. He was in one of his sentimental moods, I think, and he asked me if I would mind him calling me "Marjee Bjork Thorvaldsbastarddottir Mahaha". I said I'd have to think about it.

    Marjee

     

  • At 4:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Becks,

    I must say, BDT was very misty-eyed the whole time he was talking to me, and he always says the word "bastard" with affection, so I always take that into account.

    Yes, I feel very honoured that he asked me to be a bridesmaid. Oh, and he said something about how Bjork's song "It’s Oh So Quiet" is going to have to be one of the songs at the reception.

    Marjee

     

  • At 5:05 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, i just got an interesting txt:

    "April Johnsdottir, friend to Becky-Thora! Don't you worry about how I got your cell number. Thorvald has his ways! I hope you will agree to be in the wedding. We might have to do something about your first name, though. It's so non-Icelandic. Would you mind answering to the name "AÐALBJÖRG Johnsdottir", just on my special day? Thorvald McGuire (Becky-Thora's fafa)

     

  • At 5:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, i guess yr dad didn't realize he was standing in mom's "landmark" @ the time & that mom had totally bot in2 bea's brownnosing hype!

    adalbjorg ellysdottir

     

  • At 5:40 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    blogger is being v. weird 2day. stoppit, blogger!

     

  • At 6:09 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh, man. Jers giving Beckers a locker 4 VD. Jers going 2 b Beckers d8 @ her dads wedding.

    I dont think I can make it 2 the wedding 'cos Im rilly sick but my mom says its just ennui. She wont let me go c a dr an' she wont even let me listen 2 96.3 NEmore.

    BTW, that psycho Mr Malkmus is coming over w/ Bratto on Sun 2 watch the superbowl an' my dad says I hafta b there 4 it. WTF? Id rather play w/ choochoos than watch football and Id rather do a traffic study than hang w/ Psycho an' Bratto.

    Im going back 2 bed. Sux 2 b me.

     

  • At 6:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i got back frum going 2 the jv curling game of r.p. boire vs. chaminade college school n north york. r.p. boire won again. so thass 5 in a row. i wuz doing spottin’ 4 vicki simone takin’ pics. chaminade college school n north york iz the gryphons. they have sum strange cheerz like, “let our gryphons fly” & “tare and claw and never fall.”

    neway, vicki wuz rite that it iz a completely blonde grade 11 girl-free zone. we were doin’ gud xxcept vicki had a problem w/sneezing wen she wuz takin’ pics. there r not 2 many peeps from r.p. boire @the game, but then this group of 4 girlz frum our skool came rite up 2 me & vicki. they were wearin’ t-shirts under their shirts & crayzee haircuts, black-painted fingernailz & had face piercings. vicki sed, “hey. ur n our way 4 takin’ pics!” the girlz sed 2 me, “jeremy jones. we needta talk 2u.” i sed, “wut about?” they sed, “comp tickets. we heard u had comp tickets 2 ur dad’s valentine’s day concert.” i sed, “i have alreddy given thoze away.” they sed, “can u get ne more? we will make it worth ur while.” i sed, “can u talk 2 me aftah the game? i’m spottin’ 4 vicki.” they sed, “we can w8.” so, they sat down & started talkin’ ‘bout bands like mara's torment, masochistic religion and exovedate.

    aftah the game wuz ovah, i sed 2 them, “i will ask my dad if he haz ne more comp tickets. wut r ur namez, so i get this str8?” they sed, “we’re zabrina, zariel, ziarre, & zola.” i sed, “do i tell u apart by perfumez or cell phonez?” they snorted & sed, “we’re not blonde. our tats r diffrent.” i looked & they each had their name n a tat. i sed, “ok. that will help. i’ll let u know.” they sed, “u won’t regret it.” vicki sed, “yru gettin’ all theze girlz comp tickets? ru runnin’ a bizness?” i sed, “no. but it’s started 2 run me.”

     

  • At 6:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah, i saw thoze pics. pleaze tell me that my outfit duz not hafta match urs.

     

  • At 6:40 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, becks. just, wow.

    jeremy, there were sum girlz who came by the store this evening. i think their names were zoe, zelda, zabra, & zahara, @ least that what their tats sed. they had crayzee hairdos, piercings, & t-shirts under their unis, & they were buying books abt body art. they suggested i consider changing my name 2 zapril & mayb getting sum tatts, piercings, an interesting hairdo, & mayb black hairdye. i dunno.

    apes

     

  • At 6:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah, please tell me no 1 iz takin' pics @this wedding.

     

  • At 7:02 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    It was an interesting afternoon. Thorvald came into the salon and saw me there wearing my work dress, under the sign saying, “Shamp-Oh.” He asked Marjee what those were and then, of course, started immediately asking for one. Sugar had to explain to him that they were for women only, because men were too messy. Thorvald said, “Howie has given me the ‘O’ several times. Of course he was playing with another part of my body than my pompadour. But I can understand the mess. Great Thor was known for the supreme power of his prostate, which was always full and could never be emptied, even by his fair lady Sif. He is said to have filled an entire lake with his manly fluids and still had more to give. I am no less messy than my namesake.”

    After Marjee finished with his hair, he left. Marjee took a break and asked me to come with her. I said, “What’s going on Marjee?” She said, “Thorvald asked me to be a bridesmaid at his wedding. I was wondering if you would be my date.” I said I would be delighted.

    Then we spotted Beatrice Alfarero putting up a sign outside Lilliput’s and we went to see what it was about. The sign said, “Milborough Landmark” on it. I said to Beatrice, “Is Lilliput’s now an official Milborough landmark?” Beatrice said, “No. When I am going to learn to watch what I say to Elly? I told her she built a landmark. Then some big blonde guy came in the store and Elly told him she built a landmark. Then he said to Elly that he didn’t see a landmark and where is it. So, I spent the rest of the afternoon making this sign for Elly.” Both Marjee and I said we were sorry to hear about that. Beatrice said to me, “Is this your new girlfriend?” I was about to respond when Marjee said, “I sure am.” and she hugged my arm and gave me a kiss on the cheek. When we walked back to the salon, I said, “What was that about?” Marjee said, “Sometimes you need to be protected, Howard.” And that was all she said. Women are hard to figure out sometimes.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 7:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, alex, lots goin' on, eh? pierce inverarity's v-day party. that's major! @ least, i heard it's major.

    apes

     

  • At 8:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    d00dz! on the brite side, i guess howard feelz v. popular rite now? ok, i'm just tryin' 2 help, eh? hope it gets all sorted out w/out 2 much trub!

    apes

     

  • At 12:30 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    The casserole that Kortney served. Ugh! I am so glad I cooked when we were together. The thought of her being married to and impregnated by Thorvald. Ugh! This is really testing me. I wish I had some weights to lift.

    So, as I am trying to keep the casserole down, Thorvald said, “Hauskuld. I have a fine idea! Do you have any suggestions for naming my son?" Kortney corrected, “Hallgerda.” Thorvald said, “Do not interrupt me, woman. I am seeking knowledge of names from a fellow man and occasionally practicing bisexual. A fellow provider of seminal fluid to the world at large.” Kortney growled. Thorvald said, “What traditional Icelandic names would you recommend?” I said, “You are looking for Icelandic boy names and Kortney wants ‘k’ names. Fortunately, with my family background, I am well aware of ‘k’ names. There is:

    Kalf – Half son of Asgeir.
    Ketil - Son of Thori.
    Kodran - Father of Thjodgerd.
    Kolbein - Son of Sigmund of Vestfold.
    Kolgrim - Son of Hrolf.
    Kylan - Son of Kara.

    And I hesitate to mention this, but Kirk and Kirby are 2 relatively normal names that are Icelandic in origin.”

    Kortney immediately said, “Ooh! Kirk and Kirby are close in sound to Kermit.” Thorvald said, “Nay. Ketil - Son of Thori is the better choice.” While they were arguing, Becky said to me, “How do you know all this stuff?” I said, “When you are brought up as a Kelpfroth, you learn a lot of random ‘k’-related stuff.” Becky said, “I know what you mean. I have picked up a lot of Icelandic stuff in the last 2 days.”

    Thorvald said, “Hauskuld. You have been holding out on us. By Thor’s hammer, Mjolnir, I am sure that you know all about traditional Icelandic food.” Kortney corrected, “Hallgerda.” Thorvald said, “Do not interrupt me, woman. I am seeking knowledge of food, a noble quest that must not be interrupted by idle feminine chatter.” Kortney growled. Thorvald said, “What traditional Icelandic food would that pretty caterer Anne Nichols be best suited to prepare?” I said to Becky, “Is he taunting me? He knows I hate Anne’s cooking.” Becky said, “I’m not sure. Sometimes I have a hard time telling if he is kidding or not.” I said, “Well Thorvald, possibly the most traditional Icelandic dishes are hangikjöt, harðfisku, and rotten shark meat.” Kortney said, “What are those?” I said, “Hangikjöt is a meat like mutton or horse that has been pickled in brine for 2-4 days and then smoked for a week. Harðfisku is a dried fish, usually cod or haddock, best when dried outside in cool and dry weather, but it can be done with a fan or oven drying. Rotten shark meat, is shark meat covered with gravel and heavy rocks left outside for 2-3 months until the poisonous fluids in the shark meat have drained off.” Becky said, “Between the casserole and your description, I think I am going to be sick.” Kortney said, “I am thinking maybe traditional Canadian food would be best.” Thorvald said, “By the solidity of Heimdall, I believe you are correct, future bearer of my Icelandic seed.”

    Then Thorvald said, “All right, Mr. Smarty pants Hauskuld.” Kortney corrected, “Hallgerda.” Thorvald roared, “By Thor’s mighty thunderbolts, this issue must be settled. Are you a ring bearer or a flower girl? By Odin’s one good eye, it must be a straight answer and nothing coaxed by that trickster, Thor’s half-brother Loki.” I said, “Well, I must admit that the flower girl outfit is much more appealing to me. However, Marjee Mahaha asked me to be her date, so I should consult with her.” Thorvald said, “That’s Marjee Bjork Thorvaldsbastarddottir Mahaha.” I said, “Right.” So I phoned Marjee, told her about the pictures and she said, “I would love to see you in a pointy hat.” I said, “OK, then. Ring bearer it is, eh?” Thorvald was very happy with that and started marching around, pointing at Kortney and saying, “Hauskuld. Hauskuld. Hauskuld.” This put Kortney in a foul mood, and she stopped talking to me.

    So, then I pretty much sat back while the Thorvald and Becky looked at different dresses, hats, and other wedding material. I went over to Kortney and said, “You know it’s going to be awhile before Thorvald’s divorce is final.” Kortney looked into my eye with a stare that froze my bones, “Howard. I don’t think you have anything to say to me right now that is going to make me feel better.” I said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feeling by going with ring bearer over flower girl.” Kortney started laughing, “Oh, Howard. I forgot how totally naïve you are.” I wasn’t sure how to answer that one, so I didn’t.

    We didn’t do a whole lot after that before I had to don my Belfrieda Batsize outfit again to take Becky home. However, Becky may remember some other things that happened that I didn’t.

    Howard K.

     

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