February Letters!

Already, it's that time again! The monthly letterz from my fam. Here go my comments on them.

My letter: Yeah, so U can C I'm counting down the time left B4 I can leave the nuthouse on Sharon Park Drive. 3.5 yrs 2 go. Oh, & I think I had sum transient colour-blindness goin' on there 4 a while, like the kind where U can't tell the diff betw. blue & purple? Weird. NEway, my new jeanz R a dark blue. Not purple.

So whattya think? Shd I pierce my nose & browz & mayB dye my hair? "Crayzee" haircut? I know my usual look is hella boring, eh? Shd I go "goth" like the peeps I C in Toronto? Hm.

So, the grade-11 girlz. They call themselvez the Paris Hiltonz & they all, like, need 2 get their size-0 uni's taken in cuz they're that skinnee. Tangi Origami bleached her hair & tried 2 get in2 the PH clique, but U hafta B grade 11, & Tangi's grade 9. She was all, "Is it cuz I'm not skinnee enuf?" & they were like, "No, it's cuz U're not grade-11 enuf."

So, U mighta noticed I mention hangin' out w/Ger, Dunc, & Eva on wkendz but not Becks or Alex. Becks & Alex were both having pretty bizzy wkends l8ly.

So, what was I on abt w/missing Mike & Liz living w/us? Mike moved out when I was three, so it's not like I even remember him living there. I do miss Liz. Mom added "Mike" in 4 sum kinda "equal time" sorta reason, I guess.

Going 2 TO w/my Dad. OMG. Mom totally cut out the part where I ragged on his st00pid train hobby. But, U C, I'm gonna use this as an opportunity 2 shop 4 that locket Ger wants.

So, Ger & I decided 2 have our d8 Sunday insteada Sat. I'll give him the locket then. Like I say in the letter, we're talking abt getting the band back 2gether, but it's just talk still. We're having fun doing sum songwriting, tho.

Mom's letter: Mom putting off spring cleaning. ZZZZZZZ. Liz & the Mtiggy students: "Many of the kids miss school at this time of year to work on trap lines, hunt, or take care of elderly relatives, so her classes are small and not very taxing." Interesting; may I remind you that back in June of last year, Liz wrote, "Kids are slipping out of class to work on the traplines now that the weather's warmer, so we're shifting our focus off of the textbooks and onto some exciting stuff for the remaining students." So is there NE time of yr when the Mtig kiddiez AREN'T slipping away 2 work on their traplinez? Does the school even enforce NE attendance rulez? Sheesh. MayB my friendz & I oughta try the "traplinez" xcuse w/R.P. Boire, eh?

Mom & her "proper" folding--as if her friendz, female or otherwise, give a flyin' flip! Share the housework, whatevs, no1's listening 2 U, Mom. Xtra eyerollz 2 this stupidity: "Underwear is 'rolled' - which bears no relationship to its ultimate 'end'." Yes, every1 knowz yr undiez go over yr ARSE! Way 2 bring the funnee, eh, Ma? Only NO1 but U thinx that's funnee. & rolling yr undiez? Hellz 2 the no. My underwear, my decision. I fold them, like a normal person*.

"In regards to my other life, I find myself running more errands now and leaving the day to day workings of Lilliputs up to Moira and Bea." LOL! I guess "errands" is her new code 4 loading up on lattes & muffinz all day long. Yeah, Ma, no1's on2 U. Just decide abt the st00pid store, K? Sell or don't sell. Make up yr feeble mind. "60 in a few years"? Try FIVE yrs. Mom's gonna B 55 this yr. Oh, hey, Mom, I'm gonna B 20 "in a few yrs"--can I have my own apartment?

"I don't often say this - and I'll try not to say it again (for a while) but - we're crazy about the grandchildren!!! " Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! This is totally in there cuz peeps notice that Mom almost nev. mentionz her g-kidz eh? & notice how she sez "I'll try not 2 say it again (4 a while)", like she'll B doin' peeps a favour by not talkin' abt the littlez v. much, insteada just goin' back 2 being her usual self. Whatevz, Mom, ppl know U better than U think they do.

Oh, & check this bit:

Mike and Deanna are also struggling with decisions about their future. Mike has decided, more than once to leave his full time position with the magazine and write for his own clients exclusively. He says he feels like he's falling without a parachute when he's close to quitting - but if he just spread his wings a bit, this old bird knows he can fly! Dee is good with the kids, supportive, smart and loving - so whatever he decides, we're all on his side!

Isn't it funnee how Mike is the same way abt quitting Portrait as Mom is abt selling the bookstore? Oh, w8, "funnee" izn't the rite word. "Lame", mayB? & I guess the whole bit abt Dee B-ing "good with the kidz" is meant 2 B code 4 it's OK that Mike xpects her 2 do EVERYTHING as far as the kiddlez go while he hidez up in his "delicate genius" writing attic. What an enabler Mom is. Of course, we all know Mike's her fave.

Gramps's health. ZZZZZ.

Mom & Dad's holiday next month. God help us, no1 iz looking forward 2 how they're gonna B talkin' abt that 4ev. & did U notice how it seemz I get left behind? Again? W/Connie lookin' after me? & totally NO mention of me mayB goin' 2 visit Liz during my March break? Dunc sez if I don't get 2 go sumwhere 4 March break this yr, I should call Shannon's mom (the social worker) & get my 'rents in trub. Whattya think?

Dad's letter: In other news, Dad's still boring!

Hot holiday. He'z complaining in advance. Geez, stay home & send ME! I won't complain! "But not to worry, we go back to work to relax from our holiday." Yeah, delusional-Dad. Peeps everywhere were sooooo worried abt U & Mom & getting enuf relaxation.

& here he goez abt me: "I have to say, though, other than her amazing moods, she is a pretty good kid, and so far has shown fairly balanced judgment." Way 2 do the left-handed compliment. My amazing moods? Gimme a break. What abt yr amazing moods, & Mom's. Whatevs. Again.

Hmm, so has Dad fired Everett Callahan & replaced him w/that Elliot Everett guy who works by the mall? Or has Dad just decided he can change ppl's names? I hope it's the name-changing thing, 4 Everett's sake, eh? So, my Dad dumpster-dove sum stinky "tooth" display & is using it 4 a Valentine'z-day drawing? Puh-leaze. & is the gift basket gonna have toothbrushez, paste, & floss insteada chocciez?

Ew, Dad, no1 wants 2 think abt U tryin' 2 romance Mom, w/Valentinez baskets or housework, K? Just keep that image 2 yrself & outta every1 else's brain!

Dad & the Bushwacker. No wonder he's no help when Mom's sitting on the fence o' st00pid abt selling or not selling the store. Just sell the dumbarse car already. Insteada goin' on & on abt it every month. Guess what, Dad? No1 thinx yr dumb car is romantic, never did. & shut up abt the GPS devices, like U don't know all abt them already.

Liz's letter: "I'm experiencing a really nice stage in what I hope will be a long-term relationship. Paul makes me laugh and he treats me like a queen! My head says to take it slow, but my heart takes over whenever he's around. But...I'm not ready to say too much about this yet!" Liz, this is so U! But then @ least U share a lil bit more l8r in yr letter, eh? Soundz like things R going well, & it's cube how U both luv yr jobs. & NE1 who followz this blog sure knowz U 2 have discussed "pet ownership", LOL!

MayB U were supposta meet Paul. . . . Wow, it's no small thing 4 Liz 2 come out & say that, eh?

Mike's letter: OMG, Mike, obsessed w/Martha much? "She's cut her hair short and put on a little weight, but she's still pretty and active, loud and gregarious. " Geez, Mike, she'z turning 30 this yr (like U), not 206! Soundz like U're telling us abt a senior-citizen who's "still spry".

Martha's abt 2 marry again, & Mike'z going in2 a fantasy abt what if he'd married her? Then he all backs out & pretendz he'z super-happy w/his life the way it is, wdn't change a thing. So Y the big fantasy abt marrying Martha?

& like pretending U spend enuf time w/yr littlez 2 know the way they feel abt NEthing. Gd 1, Mr. Hides-in-the-Attic.

Also funny how Mike pretendz he's ever been able 2 understand Shakespeare & Chaucer. Ne1 who's witnessed 1 of his "modernizations" knowz better.

Dee's letter: I think Dee mite B one of thoze germphobez U sumtimez C on the talkshowz. Being a pharmacist's not a gd job 4 a germphobe, eh?

"Lots of people are planning to embark on tropical vacations at this time of year"? U mean, like my leaving-April-behind 'rents? Ooh, & Dee's practically a detective keeping the world safe fr. the drug dealerz tricking docs in2 giving them a scrip. Man, I feel sorry 4 the peeps who R wrongly accused of this. U so know it's happening!

I think Dee's taking martyr lessons fr. my mom. She wants 2 get away w/out the kidz 4 a wk, & she knows both sets of g-'rents wd B willing 2 sit, but she just can't, just can't. Cuz if she did, she'd hafta quit complaining abt how she just can't.

More ridiculousness abt how Mike does every kinda writing imaginable:

I've been having some discussions with Mike about our need to spend more time together as a family, but the manuscripts keep coming in, and his regular clients are referring him to their friends. He does everything from advertisements to introductions. He's written three speeches (one a charming acceptance speech for an award recipient who never showed up!) and he's edited too many manuscripts, many of which don't get published! He's written wedding vows and eulogies. He's gone over scripts and theses and when I talk about a "war of words" I mean that I have a small personal war with the endless writing - which I know is his passion and also his career!

Is this supposta B a joke? & we all know Mike is hiding fr. his fam cuz he wants 2 avoid them. He pretty much admitted that last month. He's a jerk. He was a jerk last month, and he's still 1 this month. NE1 surprised?

Of course, Dee segues rite back in2 how he's running himself ragged & she'z just worried abt the poor dear's health. Ew, make it abt how he's a jerk, Dee! It's pretty clear & simple. But if he's getting sick a lot, this must B pretty ruff 4 the germaphobic Dee, eh?

"The Kelpfroths are impossible.." Yeah, yeah, second verse, same as the 1st. Have U guyz EVER tried a reasonable convo w/theze peeps? No? I didn't think so.

Weed's working on a project so that'll mean Mike will B involved? ::rolleyez:: Gotta laff @ this bit, tho: "I suspect he'll be asking Mike to collaborate. They're a hot team! Together they've produced some wonderful things." Yeah, that's the way 2 describe their seekrit luv!

Yoga & Deanna time: Cube, it's abt time U did that, Dee! Tho U know when that 1st Thursday rollz around, Mike's gonna totally whine & try 2 get outta it. MayB call Mom & beg her 2 come over so he can hide in the attic as usual.

Iris's letter: Well, Jim & Iris R still alive. Whoev had "Feb 1" in the death pool 4 either of 'em loses!

Do U care abt their Aquafitness? Me, neither.

Moviez, book of the month club, lecture seriez @ the uni. Of course Gramps thinx it's s00per-funnee that the topic is "ancient ruins", cuz, y'know, old foax go 2 the seriez. U're not laffing? Don't feel bad, it's just cuz U're normal.

So, like, Y can't Gramps & Iris visit Iris's kidz & g-kidz 2gether? Iris is alwayz doing the Patterson-family stuff. Does her family not count as much? Not cube, Gramps!

So, Gramps giving Iris his "time to wind up" salute. OK, 1st he'z 2 lazy 2 write this month's letter. Then he actually rushes Iris 2 finish up faster after he palms it off on her. V. nice, Gramps.

Pets' letter: U mite B wondering Y I wd write out the pets' letter w/pen & paper insteada on the 'puter. Mom insisted 4 sum reason. "Let's celebrate the lo-tech 4 a change, April." Mom so luvs being a technophobe.

I know, the pets' letter's a real snoozer, eh? Butts & the chewing. Finally, we're doing sumthin' about it. I don't know what took us so long, really, I don't. Doggie daycare. I know, U can barely keep yr eyez open. Friday guitar lessons. After hockey coverage 4 yrbook. Bizzy Fridayz!

Well, sorry this took s00per-long AGAIN! I'll just publish this B4 I proof cuz I wanna not keep U w8ing NE longer. . . .

Apes

*OK, if NE of U out there prefer 2 roll yrs, that's yr biz. I just don't like how my mom triez 2 MAKE us all do thingz her way, even 4 our skivviez.