April's Real Blog

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Shock

After yesterday's hockey game against Nos Yeux Gouger Separate School, I had 2 go 2 Lilliput's, as usual. (I can't believe all the eye-gouge foulz against our boyz! Ger really likes his "pirate eyepatch", tho.)

So, while Mom was off having pastries on errands, Moira told me some more abt this past Tuesday. "April, after we had our coffee, yr mother & I headed back here. I decided it was now-or-never time, so I sed, 'Elly, if U're serious about selling Lilliput's--I'd like 2 talk 2 U abt buying it.' As U mite remember, the last time this all came up, I discussed it w/yr father but never got 2 broach the topic w/yr mother. So, I continued, 'My husband will retire soon, w/a pension. He's not ready 2 stop working.'" Here I interrupted w/, "Moira, U're married?" & she was all, "Yes, didn't U know?" & I was like, "No, isn't that weird?" And she sed, "Not really. NEway, then I sed, 'With Bea's help, we cd run this place!' And yr Mom cut in, 'Moira, I....' I was afraid yr mom wd go rite back 2 her dithering, but I decided 2 soldier 4wards: 'We've already discussed it. What do U say?' And April! Yr mother sed, 'Yes!!! If U'd like 2 take over the store...I'd B glad 2 sell it 2 U.' I nearly fell over! As we were going in2 the store, yr mom sed, 'I'm in shock!' & I sed, 'Me 2.' My shock was b-cuz I thot ol' Elly Patterson was never going to shit or get off the pot. Just then, she hugged me & asked, 'R we embracing...or holding ea other up?!!!' Which was weird, because yr mother was clenching & I was trying 2 wiggle out of her clutches. By the way, April, I'm thinking one of the 1st things I'll do when I take this place over is take down the annoying stars & planets hanging from the ceiling. Our tall patronz R always complaining abt bumping their heads on them." I told her it sounded like a good idea.

BTW, did U C in the Milbourough Gazette this morning, that 4 out of 5 Milboroughianz think "Freyfaxi is the coolest pet name ever"? Go fig! (It's true, it is the kewlest!)

Gotta fly,

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 8:04 AM  

18 Comments:

  • At 10:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i hope ur not 2 bored wen u go 2 the city w/ur dad this weekend. i know hiz train sets may drive u crayzee, but i alwayz thot real trainz, like the 1 ur gonna ride @union station were pretty cube. i hope he duzn't humiliate u2 much. i know u wunted 2 check out the goth peeps on queen street 2c wut they were wearing. if u cud take notes, there r sum z-named girlz on my case, who r innerested. thanx.

     

  • At 10:29 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i think while my dad slobberz over toy trainz, we'll split up & i'll shop on queen st. i'd b glad 2 take notez.

    becks, does yr dad know anne has a daughter, leah? hm, mayB we shdn't tell him.

    apes

     

  • At 11:11 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, i thot the 1/2-icelandic thing mite be an ish 4 yr dad. leah had the xtra fingerz removed when she was still a baybee. tho yr dad mite ask abt the scarz & worry abt thoze genez, eh?

    actually, that mite b an idea 2 get yr dad off the idea of getting anne 2 have his baybee. tell him she birthed a baby w/an xtra finger on ea hand & that it cd happ again, eh?

    apes

     

  • At 3:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, so dad & i r on the train headed home now. while dad was doing his choo-choo stuff, i shopped on queen st., like i was saying b4. i went in2 this really cube jewelry & clothez store w/theze totally goth salezpeeps. i told them i needed 2 get a locket 4 my bf, who wanted, like, a "traditional locket", but that if poss i wanted 2 get sumthing masculine enuf that he wdn't get totally beat up 4 wearing it.

    so, this salezchick, who looked like morticia adamz but paler, wearing this, like, spiderweb-looking black dress, she sed, "oh, men's lockets. u don't c much of them, but it's gonna b a thing, mark my words. i think we've got just the thing." & she showed me this little section of 1 of their display cases. i think i got the perfect one 4 ger. (i hope so!!!) i got it engraved. i hafta take a pic of myself 4 it 2nite. (tho, ger, i'm gonna go 4 "sexy" more than "smutty").

    so, while i was in there, i asked them abt goth fashion & took notes 4 jeremy. they also sold me sum temporary hair dyez, jewelry, and fake tats, in case i wanna xperiment sumtime.

    apes

     

  • At 3:51 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    blogger glitch.

     

  • At 4:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    blogger glitch some more.

     

  • At 5:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April flower,

    I can't wait to receive my locket! I hope it is pretty. I am sure it is if you picked it out. I was hoping for a slutty picture, but sexy is good too.

    Surprise! I also bought you a locket! I had it engraved with "G&A" on it. I took a slutty picture of me to put inside. I hope you like it.

    I want to run right over to your house and give it to you! But Mom says you have to come here. I am having trouble walking around with only one eye open. I have no depth perception. Last night, I fell off a curb and skinned my knee.

    Then, about an hour ago, I saw Becky and Jeremy walking past my house with a pony on a leash. I ran outside to see the pony and ask for a ride, but I fell off the front steps and skinned my other knee. It turns out that the pony is a dog named is Freyfaxi. Isn't that the coolest pet name ever? Becky felt bad about my knee, so she let me ride Freyfaxi around the yard until he was dirty and sweaty. Then Jeremy and Becky ran off giggling. Becky is so nice sometimes.

    Please come over as soon as you can! I am almost peeing my pants with anticipation.

    Devotedly yours, Gerald

     

  • At 5:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Just between you and me, I am starting to feel left out of the Paul and Shiimsa love-fest. We got bored, so we went cross-country skiing after all. Shiimsa insisted on going, so Paul put her inside his jacket, with her head popping out at the top of the zipper.

    Then, when we went for hot cocoa, he ordered a saucer of warm milk first.

    Then, when we came home, we watched the movie Nanook of the North. Because of Shiimsa's "no hiking" rule, I sat on one end of the chesterfield and Paul sat at the other. But Shiimsa sat in his lap and got a belly rub and purred through the whole thing!

    Now Paul is playing fetch with Shiimsa. Or, is teaching her to play. He throws the catnip mouse he bought her. If Shiimsa brings it back to him, he gives her a treat. If she doesn't, he gets up and goes to pick up the mouse, pets Shiimsa, and says, "Now, my sweet girl, let's try that again."

    AAAAUUUUGGGH!

    Why are cats so much trouble? I have been reading Cats for Dummies as fast as I can to try to answer that question. Since I didn't find it, Vivian gave me the book Cats for Total Morons Like You. This is a book that Vivian is writing. She has so much wisdom about cats, I am glad she is going to share it with the rest of the world.

    In this book, she says over and over again, CATS ARE NOT DOGS THAT ARE BROKEN. DO NOT TREAT THEM THIS WAY. CATS ARE TOTALLY DIFFEENT FROM DOGS. IT IS NOT FAIR TO COMPARE A CAT TO A DOG. Finally, I feel I am getting the information I need to be a better cat owner. I hope Vivian gets this published. She is a genius!

    Love to April, like to everyone else, Liz

     

  • At 5:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April flower,

    You should sit tight at home and not come over. Becky's dad is at my front door, trying to bang it down. He is shouting, "You rode Freyfaxi! Freyfaxi is dedicated to the god Freyr! Prepare to die!"

    I think he has an axe with him.

    If we never see each other again, I just want you to know that the time you let me touch your boob was the greatest moment of my short life.

    Til death do us part, Gerald

     

  • At 5:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, i just txt-ed becky's dad w/an anonymous tip that there's a topless viking woman @ mayes midtown motorz. lemme know if that does the trick & then we can plan what 2 do next!

    apes

     

  • At 5:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April my love,

    After my last message, I leaned out the window of my bedroom and yelled down to Mr. McGuire, just as he was burying the head of his axe in our front door. I said, "I'm sorry sir! I didn't know Freyfaxi was dedicated to the god Freyr! I just thought he was the coolest dog ever!"

    And Mr. McGuire said, "You did not ask permission to ride Freyfaxi!"

    And I said, "But sir, yes I did! I asked Becky for permission, and she said yes!"

    Mr. McGuire grunted. "Hmm. I think little Becky-Thora has played a trick on Thorvald and Gerald." Then he looked up at me and grunted again. "Hmm. You are blond like Thorvald. Are you a Viking?"

    And I shouted down, "No, I'm Irish, sir!"

    Mr. McGuire grunted and said, "Hmm. I too am part Irish. I am sorry, fellow countryman! Apologies and salutations!" Then he said, "Hmm. Swinging an axe has made me thirsty. Could I trouble you for a drink, young man?"

    "Of course sir!" I shouted. "I'll come downstairs and let you in!"

    Mr. McGuire and I had a nice talk. He told me that when Becky and Jeremy brought Freyfaxi home, he could see that Freyfaxi was dirty and sweaty from having been ridden. But Becky told him that I had ridden Freyfaxi without permission.

    "I think my little Becky-Thora is playing a practical joke on us," Mr. McGuire said. I agreed, and we had a chuckle as we drank our Heinekens.

    Unfortunately, when my mother and father came home, they did not think the joke was so funny. They also did not think it was funny that Mr. McGuire and I were drinking beer together.

    "Young man," Mom said, "that isn't on your diet and you know it!"

    "Hey!" Dad said. "That's my good beer! And why is there an axe imbedded in the front door? Can't your friends just knock?"

    Just then, Mr. McGuire's phone beeped. He said, "Excuse me, I have an important message." Then he said, "I have to go," and ran out the door. I guess it was probably the message you sent him, dearest loveliest April.

    Can you come over now to exchange lockets?

    Love, Gerald

     

  • At 7:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, sum krazeeness ovah @rebeccah’z house 2day. i went ovah there so rebeccah & i cud walk her normal dogz & that giant dog of her dad’z, while he wuz visitin’ w/anne nichols. if u coulda seen us, u woulda laffed. i had the leash on freyfaxi, which iz the coolest pet name evah & rebeccah had 1 leash per hand w/apollo & zeus. rebeccah asked howard aka ugly old woman disguise 2 come w/us, but he /she wuz 2 bizzy cleanin’ something or anothah that rebeccah’z mom had him 2 clean. i think it wuz a septic tank or sumthin’ like that. wen we passed geranium’s house, he ran out & asked to ride rebeccah’s pony. so he rode it ‘round the yard a bit, till rebeccah got tired of it & decided we needed 2 leave. she wuz n a pretty gud mood, & we were both kinda giggly.

    so, the weather wuz a little cloudy, but not 2 bad. then we made this mistake of going 2 a park. by mistake i mean, there r squirrels n the park. normally wen dogz c squirrelz n a park, they bark a lot & chase them up treez & bark sum more cuz they can’t climb treez. howevah, wen freyfaxi treed the squirrel & realized he cudn’t climb it, he started ramming the tree tryin’ 2 uproot it. this iz a big freakin’ 20-meter tree & he’z tryin’ 2 knock it down 2 get 2 the squirrel. rebeccah thot it wuz funny the way freyfaxi knocked me off my feet & dragged me across the ground chasin’ the squirrel. but wen freyfaxi started rammin’ the tree, she let go of apollo & zeus & tried 2 help me hold freyfaxi. it wuzn’t workin’. then rebeccah started hummin’ sum song. i sed, “wut ru hummin?” she said, “i am tryin’ 2 remembah the song howie did last nite that calmed freyfaxi down.” i said, “the marseilles?” rebeccah sed, “dammit. we sang it n french class friday & i can’t get it outa my head.” i sed, “i know. me 2.” rebeccah sed, “we can’t stop him. i hafta go get howie.” well, by the time rebeccah got back w/howierd wearing his old woman outfit, the tree wuz leaning & sum roots were showin’.

    he started humming a whole different song 2 freyfaxi & it wuz not workin’ either. he sed, “i gotta try sumthing else. so then he got n between freyaxi & the tree w/the squirrel, which i thot wuz ‘bout az st00pid a thing 2 do az u cud do. then he started yellin’, “the great freyr brings fertility & prosperity 2 all plant life. you do dishonor 2 freyr by destroyin’ this tree 4 which freyr gave great prosperity.” then the dog stopped n hiz tracks & get this, started whimperin’. apollo & zeus went ovah 2 him & wuda prolly licked freyfaxi’s face if they cuda reached it. they hadda settle for hiz neck. so rebeccah & i & ugly woman/howie walked the 3 dogz back 2 rebeccah’z house. wen we got there, rebeccah’s mom sed, “do not bring that monster n2 the house. he stayz n the garage till becky’s father gets here.” so rebeccah’s dad got there & he wuz all upset with the way freyfaxi looked, cuz he wuz dirty frum rammin’ the tree & he wuz still kinda whimperin’. rebeccah sed, “oh it musta been cuz gerald rode him w/o askin’ permission.” well, rebeccah’s dad tuk the dog & wuz yellin’ sumthin’ ‘bout gettin’hiz axe. i sed, “ru sure that wuz the rite thing 2 do?” rebeccah sed, “relax. my dad hazn’t axed ne1 4 yearz. just axe him.” then she held her handz 2 her lips & sed, “2 much tyme w/pattersonz.”

    then rebeccah’s mom came n the garage & she wuz wavin’ some mail n her hand. she sed, “becky mcguire, i gotta letter frum ur skool. i needta read it 2u.” rebeccah wuz like, “oh crap.” so we left the garage & followed rebeccah. she sed, “mom. duz jer & mrs. batsize hafta lissen 2 this?” rebeccah’s mom sed, “i b-lieve they do, since they r partially responsible.” that made me nervous. rebeccah’s mom read, “per our discussion of becky mcguire’s academic failure in mathematics last year, a monthly assessment of her class gradez have been sent 2 determine if further steps needta b taken 2 mprove her academic standin’ n skool.” rebeccah gulped & so did i & ugly woman howie. rebeccah’s mom read, “for the month of january, i am pleased 2 report that becky mcguire haz grade ‘a’ n her academic subjects. signed mrs. henrietta huggins.” ugly lady howie sed, “congratulations, young miss. it appearz ur hard work haz paid off.” rebeccah’s mom came ovah & gave rebeccah a big hug & sed, “i am so proud of u, baby.” rebeccah sed, “r we mbracin’…or holdin’ each othah up?!!!” rebeccah’z mom sed, “jeremy & mrs. batsize. i know u2 have been helpin’ becky out, so i wanna take u both out 2 celebr8.” i sed, “i gotta call my mom 4 permission (which she gave).” ugly woman howie sed, “gracious me, ma’am. this iz v.v. generous of u.” rebeccah’s mom sed, “mrs. batsize. evn tho i think u stink az a maid, gud gradez iz gud gradez. if becky can still make thoze when her crayzee-ass father iz runnin’ around her, then i know peeps have been helpin’ her.”

    so, we went out. ugly lady howierd or rebeccah can tell the rest of this story, if they wanna.

     

  • At 7:15 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    You could have knocked me over with a feather when Krystle invited me and Jeremy to celebrate Becky’s good grades. I don’t know if I or Jeremy did anything to really help Becky. She is a very smart girl. Nevertheless, I was more impressed that Krystle even cared about such things. I guess she is one of those parents who likes her child to do well, particularly when she does not have to help.

    So, the four of us and Lars, whom we picked up went out to eat at “La Crème de la Crème de Milborough” where my friend, Chef Sofia works. Little did I suspect the disaster that waited for us there. On the car ride over, Lars and Krystle were in the front, while Becky and Jeremy and I were in the back. Lars said, “Where is Lars going?” Krystle said, “French food.” Lars said, “Lars likes to eat food. Lars does not like to French it.” Krystle said, “Shut up, Lars.” Lars said, “Lars is doing the shutting up now.”

    We got to the restaurant and took our seats. Krystle said, “We are here to celebrate my daughter’s good grades for the month of January. Order whatever you want, but keep it less than $10.” Jeremy said, “The only thing on this menu less than $10 is soup or salad.” Krystle said, “You are so mathematically astute. I can see why Becky likes you.” Then Krystle leaned over to Becky and said, “Not marriage material.” Becky said, “Don’t worry mom. Jeremy is my exclusive boyfriend with benefits. I have no marriage plans.” Krystle said, “Good.” Lars said, “Is Lars marriage material, Krystle?” Krystle said, “Lars. It’s guys like you that keep marriages going.” Lars said, “Lars is very happy to hear this. Lars says thank you.” Jeremy said to Becky, “What is wrong with this guy, Lars? Is he mentally challenged or special needs?” Becky said, “Mom likes them big and dumb.”

    I raised my glass and said, “If I may, I would like to make a toast to the young miss. May she have great success in everything she does.” Everyone was raising their glass to toast, when who should walk in but Dr. McCauley and some woman with short brown hair. I had never met her, but her lipstick and perfume I immediately recognized from having to wash them out of Dr. McCauley’s shirts. Krystle spotted him immediately. I thought she was going to explode at first, and then she developed a calm. A frightening calm. I preferred the explosion. She called out to Dr. McCauley and said, “Oh. Ted. Teddy dear. Why don’t you come and sit with us?” Dr. McCauley saw us and he had a panicked look on his face. I thought he was going to run, but instead he said, “Why certainly, Krystle. This is one of my co-workers at the office. Her name is Jackie.” Jackie said, “Yes. I like to keep things organized. With Dr. McCauley, I make sure that there is not one thing about him that is out of place.” Krystle said, “I’ll bet you do. You certainly have a lot of co-workers, Ted. I only have Lars here to keep me organized.” Lars said, “Lars is good with his organs.”

    Dr. McCauley said, “Well I didn’t expect to see you here, mom. And all these other people too.” Becky said, “It’s kind of hard to wine and dine your latest slut with your fiancée and mother here.” Krystle hissed, “Mrs. Batsize is not Ted’s mother, Becky.” Becky said, “Take it easy, mom. We are here to celebrate my academic greatness.” Dr. McCauley said, “Academic greatness?” I said, “Yes, sir. The young miss has gotten all ‘A’ grades for the month of January. Mrs. McGuire was kind enough to bring us here to celebrate.” Jackie said, “Oh I love the ‘A’ grade. ‘A’s have nice straight lines. Not like those awful ‘B’s and ‘C’s.” Jeremy said to Becky, “What is wrong with this girl, Jackie? Is she mentally challenged or special needs?” Becky said, “Creepy likes them curvy and dumb.”

    Then the food came, pretty much all soups and salads. Dr. McCauley ordered a big steak and the rest of us tried not to get upset. There is more to this story, but Becky may want to post it or Jeremy.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 7:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    Your sister and I had a great time cross-country skiing. After she confirmed it was all right with Shiimsa, we left, and we took Shiimsa with us. She was a very good kitty and was quite excited to see all the deer, fox, rabbits galore and many different kinds of birds.

    When got to the pristine, snow-frosted forest, I whispered to her, “The most beautiful thing in the forest is cross-country skiing next to me.” Your sister said, “Thank you, Paul.” I said, “You are beautiful too, Elizabeth. I was talking about Shiimsa.” Your sister said “It’s unspeakably romantic.” I said, “Mii-gwetch (Thanks.)” She said, “Shush. ‘Unspeakably’ means ‘you don’t talk.’”

    We went to the corner store, with its roaring fire and hot chocolate and of course, a saucer of milk for Shiimsa. Your sister spoke to some of the locals, who seemed to be mainly interested in whether or not cross-country skiing was the same as or better than hiking. After the 5th or 6th question of this sort, we went back to your sister’s apartment.

    When we came home, we watched the movie Nanook of the North, and I put my hand over Shiimsa’s eyes whenever there were sled dogs on the screen. Shiimsa is very sensitive to canines.

    I am having a great time playing with Shiimsa. Your sister is busy reading a manuscript for a book Vivian Crane is writing, but she looks up at me and Shiimsa often. I admire the way your sister is constantly trying to learn more, but stills pays attention to the people around her. She is a very good teacher.

    Shiimsa said I could write this to you while she is taking a litter box break.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 11:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, so i am munching on a freakin’ salad, while creepy mccauley & hiz bimbo r eatin’ steak. i lean ovah 2 rebeccah & say, “how much u wanna bet ur mom knew they were gonna b here?” rebeccah sed 2 her mom, “this dinner iz 2 celebr8 my academic gr8ness, rite mom?” her mom sed, “of course it iz. i wanna lead a toast. 2 my daughter becky & her gud grades. let her nevah turn into a cheap slut that chases aftah doctorz that r alreddy taken.” then creepy mccauley sed, “i have a toast 4 becky 2. 2 becky & her gud grades. let her nevah turn n2 a controlling psycho woman, who tastelessly flaunts st00pid muscle men n front of her daughter.” then lars sed, “lars has a toast 4 becky. 2 becky & her gud grades. lars hopes that becky will take thoze grades &…um…wut do u do w/gud grades? lars duz not know.” jackie sed, “oh, i have a toast 4 becky. it’s the 1st nite i met u, so i don’t know ne of your personal life, rite? 2 becky & her gud grades. i hope they are just az gud n boardin’ skool.” rebeccah’s mom sed, “wut? becky iz not goin’ 2 boardin’ skool!” jackie sed, “rilly? i cud’ve sworn i saw ‘becky-boardin’ skool planz’ sumwhere wen i wuz organizing. i must’ve been sum othah becky.” creepy mccauley sed, “yes. 1 of my patients is also named becky & wunted me to transfer her medical recordz 2 her boarding skool. of course, our becky izn’t going 2 boardin’ skool.”

    then howeird ugly woman sed, “i have a toast 4 becky, ma’am. sir. 2 becky & her gud grades. may she alwayz find the help & support she needz 2b a success n her gradez & n her life. she iz a marvelous girl, that ne ‘rent wud b proud 2 call their own.” rebeccah got a little teary then, & she luked @me. i sed, “u want me 2 make a toast?” rebeccah sed, “ur my xxclusive friend w/bennies.” i sed, “ok. 2 rebeccah. she iz cube, she iz class & i’ll alwayz watch her ass.” rebeccah sed, “ok. i shud’ve asked u not 2 toast.”

    well, creepy got up & sed, “i must make sure jackie gets home. i will cu l8er.” he paid his bill & left. then rebeccah’s mom pays the bill & starts drivin’ us back 2 her house. lars sed, “lars like dinner. lars likes gud, low fat meals.” rebeccah’s mom sed, “well lars. i have a gud high protein meal n my bedroom.” lars & rebeccah’s mom went 2 her bedroom 2 continue the grade celebration. ugly lady howeird sed, “u2 go 2 becky’s bungalow. i will bring u guyz a bettah dinner. give me a few.”

    so, we got 2 rebeccah’s bungalow & rebeccah iz rilly quiet. then she sez 2 me v.v. serious-like, “jeremy. promise me that u will nevah, evah pull that kinda b.s. on ur kid.” i sed, “b-lieve me rebeccah. aftah my dad, i have made a solemn swear 2b not like him.” rebeccah sed, “thass gud 2 hear. b4 howie gets here, come here & lemme show u sum of those benefits of b-ing my xxclusive friend w/bennies.” of course, howeird shows up w/fud n like 5 minutes. but @least he izn’t wearing that freaky old lady outfit nemore. we r gonna watch sum viddy rebeccah wunts 2 watch. rebeccah sez u can come ovah if u wunt.

     

  • At 11:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey cochachos, Ray here. I been reading all of these bloggy ruminatinos, and I think Shiimsa would dig it here poolside. Provided she's looking for some proper feline companionship. So Shiimsa honey, if you want a saucer of milk, I'm straight up with that. But I make a killer martini too. And if you saw that Yahoo! ad, be advised it's totally bogus.

    Ray

     

  • At 3:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear friends,

    My little April flower came over this evening, and we had a little locket exchange. I am delighted with the locket she has bestowed upon me. I am also delighted with the sexy picture inside. My love for April has swelled even bigger than before.

    April seemed to really like her locket, but it was hard to tell by her face what she thought of the sexy picture of myself that I put inside it. She will have to tell you herself.

    April stayed for dinner. Of course, I am still eating my high energy diet. Mom told April, "We girls have to watch our figures," and then served her celery soup, a rice cake, and plain water.

    After dinner, Mom and Dad went up to their bedroom. The first Saturday of the month is their designated night for sexual relations. So April and I had the family room all to ourselves. We agreed that the most romantic thing we could do would be to order a pizza. I am afraid that April's dinner was not very filling.

    April and I had just received our pizza when the doorbell rang again. I thought it was simply the pizza delivery man, and that he had discovered he gave us an incorrect amount of change, or something of that nature. But instead I found Becky's dad on my front steps. He was holding a case of beer under one arm, and Freyfaxi's leash with the other.

    "Friend Gerald!" he said. "I have a terrible problem that I must discuss with you. May I come in?"

    And of course I told him yes. Mr. McGuire removed his shoes politely, and then said, "While we talk, Freyfaxi will graze upon your lawn." I told him that would be agreeable.

    Mr. McGuire came into the family room and put down the case of beer. It was then that he saw April was there. "Look, it is Adalbjorg Ellysdottir!" he said. "Friend Gerald, is Adalbjorg your woman?"

    And I said, "Yes, she is."

    Mr. McGuire looked her up and down. "I have seen her mother. She will grow up to be a fine stout woman with childbearing hips. She will give you many children, both sons and daughters."

    April seemed very put-out by this observation, but she didn't say anything.

    Mr. McGuire sat down in the middle seat on the chesterfield. "Come sit here by me, friend Gerald. We will have a cold one and talk about my woman troubles."

    I grabbed a beer and sat down on the end of the chesterfield. I did not like being separated from my little Adalbjorg, but Mr. McGuire is not a man to be trifled with.

    I said, "Thank you for bringing the beer, Mr. McGuire. My dad is still annoyed that we drank some of his earlier."

    And he said, "Please, call me Thorvald." Then he put his bare feet up on the coffee table, between the case of beer and the pizza box, and proceeded to tell us of his woman troubles.

    I think April will want to tell the rest of this story, but she is very tired. Perhaps she will tell us in the morning.

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

     

  • At 11:45 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    HANG TITE, PEEPS, BLOGGER'S NOT LETTING ME PUBLISH. IT'S BEEN SAYING "REPUBLISH IN 10 MINUTES" 4 ABOUT HALF AN HOUR. I WROTE A GINORMOUS POST & I CAN'T PUBLISH IT. SHOOT ME!

    APES

     

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