April's Real Blog: Mtiggies not so big on the education, eh?

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Mtiggies not so big on the education, eh?

I'm not sure when xactly this happed, but it seemz Liz recently woke up on a school day feeling really, like, crizzappy. But she went 2 school NEway cuz there was no1 who cd, like, sub 4 her if she called in sick. She sez she scared poor Shiimsa 1/2 to death w/her coughing when she 1st woke up. & she scared her own self 1/2 to death when she looked in the mirror & saw that the tip of her nose was purple, like advanced frost bite! She sez it wasn't frostbite, tho, just looked like it. NEway, she trudged her ill arse all the way 2 the school only 2 find there were just TWO kidz there in her classroom! So, Liz asked, "Where is everybody?!!!" & the girl, Tanya, sed, "Ellen, Dakota an' Jesse R sick 2day. Daniel & Scottie R on the trap line w/their dads, Anna's gotta lk after her auntie, & Faun is w/her Mishomis, smoking fish." Liz asked, "So, Mark & Tanya...How R U feeling?" Mark sed, "Fine." And Tanya added, "But we can't go home B-cuz our moms R working." Which is kind of a weird thing 4 Tanya 2 say, cuz Y wd she assume goin' home was even on the table, eh? It never is @ my school! So, next thing U know, Lizzie's curled up on her couch w/Shiims while Mark & Tanya R watching a documentary abt Egypt on Liz's ginormous TV.

OK, so I know I already got in2 this subj a few dayz back when I wrote abt my fam's Feb letterz. But what is it w/the Mtiggy school kidz & just takin' off whenever their relliez wanna, like, hunt, or fish, or make smoked foodz, or, like scratch their butts? Doesn't the school ever impose NE rulez abt how many dayz U R allowed 2 miss? & doesn't Ontario have rulez all the schoolz hafta follow, whether they're in noble-north land or not? Geez! In history class, we learned abt how there usta B horrible residential schools 4 1st nation kidz. These children wd actually B kidnapped fr their homez & forced 2 go 2 these schools. Then there was v. little actual education goin' on. & lotsa, like, manual labour. So, Y, w/that kinda history, wd NE 1st-nation 'rents pull their kidz outta school 2 hunt & fish? Gah.

So, like Ger was sayin' last nite, we got 2gether 2 xchange lockets. He sed he really likes the one I got him @ that cube goth boutique in TO yesterday. It was fr. their "men's locket" selection, & it's white gold, w/a rope chain, & the main part is shaped like a book, w/a lil hockey puck 2 the left of it & a lil basketball 2 the rt. Then U open it, & there's a heart on the left & my pic on the rt. In the heart is my inscription, which I'll tell U in a sec. So, like, I picked this locket cuz it represents Ger bein' a scholar-athlete &, like, a loverrr on the inside! My inscription inside the heart is also, like, a haiku:

To Gerald Forsythe
My studly, smart, romantic
Love, April-Flower

On the other side is a pic of me in my 'kini, in kind of a calendar-girl poze. Ger sed he totally luvved the locket. So, like, Ger's locket 2 me is way pretty! It's 24K-gold, a heart with a lil diamond in the point part, cuz diamonds R my birthstone (Aries). Then there's a G & A in pretty script, sort of linked 2gether. On the back, he inscribed, "Grow old with me/The best is yet to be" which is fr. a Robert Browning poem we learned in English class. Aw, man, peeps, we were so luvvin' on ea other last nite. @ least as much as we cd w/interruptions fr. various grownups.

Well, it's a gd thing we got that pizza, cuz I think the food Ger's mom gave me had all of 3 caloriez in it, total. I was soooo hungry after! 'Course I had sum 2nd thots when Becky's dad was there sayin' I'll "grow up to be a fine stout woman with childbearing hips." Man, I M so adding xtra situps, leg-lifts, squats, & power lungez 2 my daily fitness routine. Mom's body's NOT my destiny. That's my mantra, peeps!

So, like Ger was sayin', Thorvald McGuire settled in 2 have a nice chat w/Ger abt women-trubs. He was all, "Since I can't find a true Viking 2 confide in, I will settle 4 a strapping yung Celt!" He glanced @ me & sed, "U can feel free 2 listen, fair Adalbjorg Ellysdottir. Consider this part of yr education." So, he told Ger he had this weird xperience where he got an anonny text message tippin' him off abt there being a topless Viking woman @ Mayes Midtown Motorz. (I of course didn't let on that I'd sent it, 2 try 2 save Ger fr. getting axed 2 death, tho that ended up not being necessary, as Ger cleverly talked his way outta the sitch.) So Mr. McGuire was all, "When I got there, yung Celt, there was no topless Viking woman. But I saw the fetching full-blooded Viking woman Helga the Horrible talking with Tracey Mayes. So I went over to her and said, "Helga the Horrible! Rumour has it that just moments ago, you were standing here exposing your fine Viking breasts to the envious eyes of Milboro! Surely, U wd not deny this glorious site 2 Thorvald Mordsson McGuire, of the nearly pure, 7/8 Viking blood!" Helga told him the rumour wasn't true, she'd just come by 2 get sum advice fr. Tracey abt removing sum tricky stainz Hagar had gotten in2 their carpetz after his last pillaging campaign. But Mr. McGuire got, like, inspired, & tried 2 talk Helga in2 dumping Hagar, cuz "He is not worthy of a fine Nordic woman such as yrself, with broad childbearing hips & fine Viking fashion sense! 2gether, we can make a Thorvaldson who'd be nearly 100% Viking." Mr. McGuire swears that Helga the H looked really tempted 4 a while there, but decided she cd never leave Hagar.

Then Mr. McGuire let out a huge belch & sed, "Yung Celt! U R not writing NE of this down! Surely, U must learn fr. the wisdom of yr elderz!" So Ger left 2 get a notebook. While we w8ed, Mr. McGuire told me he's been trying 2 convince Becky 2 try writing songz in Icelandic. "That's going 2 B the next hot thing, let me tell U!" Ger got back, ready 2 take notez, & Mr. M told his tale of heartbreak @ Anne Nicholz turning him away. "Fine Icelandic stock, slipping out of my fingerz!" He sighed & sed, "I guess I'm going 2 settle 4 Kortney Krelbutz after all, even tho she's not even Nordic. Good thing Thorvald has such strong DNA, let me tell U. If not 4 that, I'd B much more worried abt the weak English side of my beautiful, strong Becky-Thora. But while we R on that subject, I suggest U research yung Adalbjorg Ellysdottir's family tree and watch out for the weak English DNA. That was my folly in mixing up with Krystle Carrington. Learn from yr elderz, yung man!"

Just then, we heard Freyfaxi barking up a storm outside, so we went out 2 investigate. My dad had turned up unexpectedly in the stoopid Bushwacker, & its brite red colour apparently offended Freyfaxi (can dogz C red?). NE way, Dad was standing up on top of the hood cowering while Freyfaxi (coolest pet name ever!) was head-butting the passenger door & growling. Mr. M. got Freyfaxi under control & asked Dad what his biz was. Dad was all, "I missed my best friend!" Mr. McGuire sed, "I'm touched that U think of me that way, tho we barely know ea other!" Dad was all, "No I mean April!" & Mr. M sed, "Adalbjorg Ellysdottir!" Dad had a WTF look on his face, but sumhow, Thorvald McGuire convinced my Dad 2 go out 2 a bar w/him for "men'z talk." I'm not sure what ended up happening next. Ger & I had a makeout session till his mom came downstairz & threw me out, LOL!

Oh, well, I get 2 C Ger again l8r 2day. We have a 6pm reservation @ Lulu's Tutu! It's gonna B so cube!

Apes

21 Comments:

At 1:56 PM, April Patterson said…

o, w/blogger trubs, i 4got 2 xplain abt ger's pic in the locket he gave me. he totally took a nude pick of himself, like, lounging on his bed. it's a pose he called a "classic odalisque". gotta look that up. he, like, set his digital cam on a timer so he cd take this pic. & he, like, blurred out his boy bits. like, u know, how u c them when a tv station censors the "naughty" parts. he looks v. cute in this pic, & u can c what an awesome bod he'z got! tho the blurry area is kind of a weird effect, i must say. . . .

apes
At 2:23 PM, duncan anderson said…

Oh, man. That psycho Mr Malkmus an' Bratto will b ovah in a few mins 4 the pregame whatevah that is. I even offered 2 fotoshop sum more goat fotos 4 my mom but she says I hafta b polite an' hang w/ Bratto. I hope Bratto brings my PSP back. Yah rite.

Im glad u like yr locket, Apes, but Im so bummed. Beckers wont even talk 2 me nemore an' Kimmis in Ottawa.

L8r. Mayb.
At 3:32 PM, April Patterson said…

dunc want me 2 come over 4 a lil while, so @ least it wd b 2 against 1 w/bratto?

apes
At 3:58 PM, Anonymous said…

April,

I am very disappointed to hear your harsh judgmental attitude about our northern ways. You can't judge the Mtigwakians by the standards of the white man. If they have a more relaxed attitude about the value of classroom education and punctuality, we need to learn to accept that part of their culture.

So what if Jesse is almost 10 and can't read? He is very skilled in checking a trap line.

Your sister, Liz

P.S. I am no longer speaking to Shiimsa. She is blatantly trying to steal my boyfriend. Paul can tell you what she did if he wants to. I prefer to forget about the entire matter. But from now on, when Paul visits, I will be locking Shiimsa in a closet. That's what Mom advised I do when I need to discipline her.
At 4:33 PM, April Patterson said…

liz! i don't think locking shiimsa in a closet's a gd idea. try talking 2 viv b4 u try that, eh? remember, she knowz more about cats than mom, who knowz nothing abt cats @ all!

so, my mom found my dad, like, passed out on the front lawn this morning. it's a good thing it's been so unseasonably warm l8ly, cuz if we'd been having normal early-feb weather, dad wd prolly have frozen 2 death.

i had 2 help mom drag dad back in, & 1ce we got him conscious, mom started yellin' @ him & saying he need a refresher course in the elly 12-step programme. but she didn't get v. far w/that b4 there was a knock @ the door.

it was becky's dad, thorvald mcguire. w/freyfaxi the icelandic hellhound.

he was all, "may we enter?" & mom was all, "cd u pls leave the dog outside?" he started 2 protest, but i sed, "mr. mcguire, wd u mind if i took freyfaxi 2 the garage so he cd teach our dogz, edgar & dixie, abt freyr?" & thorvald sed, "that's a good & worthy cause, adalbjorg ellysdottir." so i took freyfaxi 2 the garage & let the dogz do their introductory sniffiez. i was afraid there'd b fighting, but they ended up all, like cuddling 2gether. i guess they're compatible breedz? neway, after i made sure the doggiez were all getting along ok, i went back in2 the house, & becky's dad was sitting @ the kitchen table, where he & dad were having coffee & mom was reheating sum apple pie. mr. mcguire was saying, ". . . . so that is y u must give me the replacement value of my boots that u destroyed yesterday, john williamsson patterson. here is my bill." dad looked @ it, nodded, & reached in2 his wallet 2 get the $. mom started 2 protest, but dad sort of gestured toward mr. m & shook his head, & mom nodded. this was all while mr. m. was gazing out the window. then he (mr. m.) took the $ sed, "thank u, dear sir. it's a relief but also almost a disappointment that i did not need 2 use my axe 2 xtract my wergeld from u. no matter." then he turned 2 my mom & sed, "i would very much like 2 c the landmark u built in milboro." mom had a classic wtf look on her face, & becks's dad went on, "when i was in yr store recently, u declared that u had built a landmark in milboro. i would like very much 2 c this landmark."

mom sed, "y, u've seen it, mr. mcguire. lilliput's, my bookstore, is the landmark." mr. m. looked confused & he sed, "this store, was it not founded by one spitfire by the name of lily petrucci." mom nodded, "yes, that correct." he sed, "by the gods, then it was she that built this landmark, was it not." mom got kinda huffy & sed, "i'm just repeating what my loyal employee, beatrice alfarero, sed 2 me." & thorvald mcguire grunted, "beware of sycophants!" then he stood & sed, "take me 2 freyfaxi, adalbjorg!" so i did. when he saw freyfaxi cuddled up w/the other dogz, he was all, "freyfaxi! have u gone soft? let's away!" & they were off. i'm not sure where they went next.

apes
At 4:35 PM, April Patterson said…

omg, becks, well here'z @ least 1 person who doesn't want u 2 get w/ger: ME!!!

ger, u gonna b back in time 4 our reservation @ lulu's tutu? 6 o'clock, eh?

apes
At 4:47 PM, Anonymous said…

Dearest Adalbjorg flower,

I will be back in time for our special rendezvous.

Love always, Gerald
At 4:58 PM, Anonymous said…

April,

Boozhoo (Hello).

I read your writings this morning about your sister’s day teaching when she was feeling very sick. You had questions about the absenteeism in her school. There is a big problem with 1st Nations people and school attendance and also with single mother families. Mark and Tanya, your sister’s students you mentioned are probably from single mother families and that is the reason going home is not possible. Ojibway children are much more likely to drop out of school than other non-aboriginal children in Ontario. So, the provincial schools are more forgiving of occasional absences, if it means that the child will stay in school through grade 12 and even go to a post-secondary school. I wish this were not the way it is with my people, but it is. You should be very proud of your sister for being willing to teach in this kind of situation. It would be easier to teach in your school system, where school attendance is strictly enforced. Your sister has to be aware of and accommodate school absences, so each child gets a good education, despite interference from their families. It is one of the things I admire about her.

As for my day, I had a good night sleeping on the chesterfield. Shiimsa slept on my stomach and purred me to sleep. When your sister walked into the room, and turned on her TV (actually it’s Gary and Vivian Crane’s TV, since this is a furnished apartment), it startled Shiimsa who put her claws deep into my stomach and she had purple lines around her eyes. Your sister said, “Next time you sleep with my cat, you will learn to use a heavier blanket.” I said, “Does Shiimsa always startle this easily?” Your sister said, “Yes. She’s not a dog. Cats can be very skittish.” I said, “Do you want to go cross-country skiing with Shiimsa and me again today?” She said, “I think we should go snowshoeing with Gary, Viv and Laurie.” Shiimsa said, “Meerowr.” I said, “And Shiimsa.” Your sister said, “I think we should leave Shiimsa behind today. I need to talk with Vivian, and it will be easier to do without Shiimsa being there.” Shiimsa said, “Mrwor. Mroowrrrr.” And jumped in my arms. I said, “I think you have upset my sweet girl. Couldn’t we take her along?” Your sister said, “Shiimsa is a cat, not a dog. Cats are not snowshoeing kinds of animals.” I said, “But I would carry her the whole way. Shiimsa seems very upset to be left out.” Your sister said, “We're in agreement a lot of the time. When we're not, the discussions we have should be friendly, animated and enjoyable. And also, you need to give in to me.” I could tell by her tone, your sister was not in a good mood, so I agreed.

We went snowshoeing and your sister and Vivian Crane and Laurie McLeod-Shabogesic walked together in deep conversation. I said to Gary Crane, “Why do we not snowshoe with the women?” Gary Crane said, “Do you remember the story of the angry grandmother, who destroyed the great vine to the Gitchi Manitou and brought disease and death to the Ojibway people?” I said, “Yes. She became angry when a spirit fell in love with her son and took him away.” Gary Crane said, “Don’t walk with the women now, or you will bring great misfortune to yourself as the grandmother did to the Ojibway people.” I did not like this answer, but I listened to what Gary said. He is a teacher and gives wise counsel. As the women were walking over a hill, your sister stumbled and fell into a snow bank. I snowshoed over and pulled her out. I said, “My sweet girl. Are you all right?” Your sister seemed very pleased to hear this and wanted to snowshoe beside me for the rest of the time we were out.

When we got home, Shiimsa was not happy. She had left some presents for your sister on her bed and in her clothes. Your sister said, “Bad Shiimsa. A dog would never do this.” Then she picked up her manuscript from Vivian Crane she got yesterday, the one titled Cats for Total Morons Like You. She started reading under the section titled, “When Your Cat Gives You a Crappy Present.” Your sister read, “When your cat leaves you little cat poop presents that means the cat is mad at you. It does not mean the cat didn’t make it to the litter box in time, or didn’t get let out of the house in time. Cats hate the smell of their own poo, unlike dogs who will sometimes eat their own poo. First, grab your cat and stick its nose in the poo and say “Bad kitty.” Second, clean up the poo. Third, punish your kitty by refusing its request for cat treats. Do not be a moron and try to psychoanalyze or bribe your cat.”

I think your sister plans to handle Shiimsa differently, the next time I visit. I am sad I have to leave tomorrow. I have to go help clean up some presents now.

Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 5:21 PM, April Patterson said…

thanx 4 yr post, paul. u r v. good @ xplaining thingz.

apes
At 5:28 PM, Anonymous said…

april, the next tyme i agree 2 go c a zoo exhibit w/ur bf, pleaze remind me of 2day. i wuz sittin’ n the back seat of howeird / ugly woman’s car, az he/she wuz drivin’ us & geranium starts talkin’ ‘bout how he gave this gr8 advice 2 rebeccah’s dad 2 take an axe ovah 2 ur dad’z house 2 get money frum him. i sed, “gerald. thass a st00pid idea. if april’z dad & mom find u sent a crayzee man 2 their house w/an axe, u can kiss april good-bye. april’z mom will nevah 4get it.” rebeccah sed, ‘hey, jer. my dad iz not a crayzee man.” i sed, “yeah. ur rite. he iz a perfectly normal guy who walks ‘round w/a gigantic dog & an axe. april’z ‘rents will welcome him w/open armz.” gerund sed, “jeremy. u do not know nething ‘bout women. they like a strong man, who duz wut it takes 2 get thingz done. april’s rents will respekt & admire me 4 makin’ such a forthright suggestion 2 rebeccah’z dad.” i sed, “wutevah.”

so, then we r n the zoo, & geranium startz an argument w/me about whether freyfaxi iz bigger than the sumatran or siberian tigerz. my opinion iz, wtf, who carez; but gerald starts suggestin’ that i am not worthy of rebeccah cuz i do not esteem freyfaxi highly enuff. i sed, “gerald. i saw that dog almost level a 20-meter tree yestahday. b-lieve, i respekt wut that dog can do.” then gerald started goin’ n2 how rebeccah’z dad had told him ‘bout how it wuz not uncommon 4 norsemen 2 have 3 wives, & that i wuz not worthy of rebeccah, & the benefits of polygamy. i sed, “i am 2 worthy of rebeccah. she picked me 2b her xxclusive friend w/bennies.” gerund sed, “xxclusive friend w/bennies. that sez it all, jeremy.” i didn’t have an answer 4 that, so i kinda stopped talkin’. i wuz rilly glad wen we hadta take geranium home so he cud make hiz “rendezvous” w/u. pleaze str8en ur bf out. i think rebeccah’z dad haz messed w/hiz brain.
At 5:50 PM, Anonymous said…

Dearest Adalbjorg flower,

I am sorry that I will be late for our rendezvous at Lulu's Tutu. I hope you have not left the house yet. I will come there when I am able.

Right now, the zoo is on lockdown mode. Becky, Jeremy, Mrs. Batsize, and I are unable to leave. Whatever you see on the news, don't worry. We didn't get killed after all.

Love and kisses, Gerald
At 5:53 PM, April Patterson said…

aw, man, guess what? becksy's dad, thorvald, is here. he sed he just received a "distress call" from his dear friend the "strapping yung celt" gerald, and that @ ger'z request, he'd b taking me 2 lulu's tutu. & kortney's gonna join us there & we're gonna have a dbl d8 (once ger showz up).

apes
At 5:54 PM, April Patterson said…

posting glitch, str8en out!
At 7:18 PM, April Patterson said…

omg, ger finally got here, after i hadta spend more than an hour listening 2 becks's dad quizzing kortney on viking culture & her menstrual cycles. then whenever mr. m. wasn't lookin' kortney wd kinda gesture like she wanted 2 punch my teeth out, 2 like remind me she can.

we've had our appetizerz but thorvald wanted 2 hold off on the main coursez till ger got here. while ger perusez the menu, i'm in the washroom posting this. well, better get back.

apes
At 7:19 PM, April Patterson said…

posting glitch.
At 7:20 PM, April Patterson said…

posting glitch still not deglitching!
At 9:01 PM, duncan anderson said…

Thanx, Apes, 4 coming ovah 4 awhile an' distracting Bratto when he was chasing Faustus an' Falstaff all ovah the house. Altho I sorta wish hed cot Faustus 'cos Faustus mite of gouged his eyes out his claws r rilly sharp.

So aft u left Mr M goes 2 my dad, isnt it wunderful how well Steve Jr (aka Bratto) an' Duncan get along Id like 2 invite Duncan 2 come 2 Disney World w/ the Malkmus famly 4 March break. I didnt think Bratto an' I were rilly getting along v well we were fiting ovah the PSP @ the time but I just smiled an' nodded its the best thing 2 do when u r dealing w/ a psycho. My dads eyes were all glazed ovah I guess he was rilly bored or rilly drunk or mayb both 'cos he just smiled an' nodded 2 an' said thats a v generous offer, Steve, of course Duncan wld b delited 2 go 2 Disney World w/ yr famly.

An' then I figured out that Im not going 2 Disney World thats Mr. M's cover 4 the traffic study. So Im going 2 have 2 stay @ the Malkmuses 4 March break man that rilly rilly sux.

L8r. Got 2 go an' pretend I like American football sum more.

p.s. Beckers I dont want u 2 get w/ Ger.

p.p.s. There was just a news bulletin abt the zoo lockdown I thot I saw Howie carrying Ger ovah his sholder.
At 9:39 PM, Anonymous said…

Ha! I picked April's phone from her pocket. I've still got it, baby! That delusional Gerald guy has spent the past two hours yammering about "dominating" sum elephant, & thorvald was totally eating it up. Except the waiter just said, "Oh, did I just see you on the news, crying on an elephant--" And Gerald cut in with, "No, surely you've confused me with someone else! Gerald Millicent Delaney-Forsythe is a mighty man of valour!" Ha! I'm almost peeing my pants laughing. Aw, nuts, that reminds me, I need the washroom. Hmm, maybe I'll keep this phone, it's not bad.

Kortney
At 11:29 PM, Anonymous said…

april, u heard ‘bout the zoo riot. neway. i thot i wud tell u wut happened frum wut i cud c. geranium & i were ovah by the elephants & he got sum crayzee idea that he cud ride an elephant, cuz he rode on freyfaxi, rebeccah’s dad’s ginormous dog. freyfaxi iz az big az a horse, but not newhere az big az an elephant. then howierd ugly lady & rebeccah walk off while he iz sayin’ this & gerald takes it az a challenge & starts talking ‘bout provin’ his manhood. i say, “forsythe, if u get n2 the elephant pen, that will b ‘bout the st00pidest thing u have evah done.” he sed, “is that a challenge, jeremy?” i sed, “no it iz not a challenge. it wud prove once & 4 all u were a nutcase.” gerald sed, “nutcase. so it iz a challenge 2 my manhood.” i sed, “no. nutcase az in crayzee person. not nutcase az in ballz.” but b4 i knew it gerald wuz scaling the side of the elephant pen. around the elephant enclosure iz this big wall & it iz taller than the elephants. once gerald wuz on top of the wall, he w8ed for an elephant 2 come near him so he cud jump on its back. i wuz yelling @him, “get off the wall u idiot. it’s not a challenge. NOT a challenge. do u hear me? ur gonna get urself killed & i’m gonna get blamed.” course he duzn’t lissen & jumps on the elephant’s back & starts saying, “u will b subjugated, st00pid, but frighteningly large beast.” the elephant starts trumpeting & tryin’ 2 swat at gerald, who started grabbing the hairs on the elephant’s head 2 hold on. i know hair-pullin’ hurts me & i guess it hurts elephants 2. this made the elephant even madder, & then all the othah elephants started trumpeting. lemme tell u sumthin’. thoze elephant fences r kinda just 4 show, cuz elephants r usually pretty tame animalz. a couple of elephants can knock them ovah ez, & thass xxactly wut they did. then every1 started runnin’, includin’ me. i ran 2 the monkey cage where howie ugly woman & rebeccah were. howie grabs me & shoves me n the monkey cage w/rebeccah. then, just 2 prove he iz az crayzee az geranium, he goez & runs n2 the elephants. rebeccah started shriekin’ & cryin’ 4 howard & she held me rilly tite, which wud have been gr8 n a normal sitch, but not wen ur afraid the elephants mite come ovah & stomp the crap outa the monkey cage. the monkeyz were standin’ way n the back of the cage, nowhere near us. i think they had the rite idea.

so then howard showz up on an elephant & it wuz then i knew 4 sure, wut i had alwayz suspected ‘bout howard. he iz a complete lunatik. howevah, he iz an extremely lucky complete lunatic, cuz he wuz able 2 grab geranium, throw him ovah hiz shoulder, get off the elephant & carry him ovah 2 the monkey cage. aftahwardz, gerald wuz thinking ‘bout wut he normally thinks ‘bout. he started talkin’ ‘bout u & askin’ rebeccah if she wuz mpressed w/him. idiot nearly got us all killed & he’z wonderin’ if it’s gonna get him laid.

the zookeeperz r rilly fast wen it comez 2 elephants. they have theze ginormous cattle prod things & they got the elephants secured pretty quickly. course it helped that super crayzee howard had mainly herded them n2 the elephant pen. we sat there n the monkey cage w8ing 4 them to finish, which wuz kinda innerestin’, cuz it’s not sumthin’ u get 2c. then they let us outa the monkey cage & also took out this black & white cat w/1 tooth stickin’ out. the zookeeperz sed, “bucky, how many timez we gotta tell u2 stop tryin’ 2 eat the monkeyz.” that wuz weird.

we hadda spend a lotta tyme talkin’ 2 the news peeps & the zoo peeps. geranium haz been banned frum the zoo 4 life & hiz dad iz gonna getta rilly nice bill 2 repair the elephant wall. howie / mrs. batsize wuz asked a lotta questions ‘bout how he wuz able 2 handle the elephants & he dodged the question ovah & ovah again, sayin’ “kind sirs. rilly it iz thoze brave zookeeperz who deserve all the praise 4 rescuing us. i am just a weak & defenseless old woman.” they weren’t buyin’ it cuz they got sum gr8 pics of the whole howard rescue gerald thing.

finally we got 2 leave & rebeccah asked howierd y he wudn’t take credit. he sed, “i do not need 2 draw attention to belfrieda batsize. if ne1 checks on me, they will find out rilly fast that this iz a fake name.” it didn’t make ne sense 2 me. i know howie likes livin’ w/rebeccah, but frum wut rebeccah tellz me, he haz been takin’ a lotta b.s. frum rebeccah’s ‘rents just 2 do that.

we dropped off gerald @lulu’s tutu az u know & then howierd ugly lady dropped me @my house & he & rebeccah hadta answer a lotta questions frum my mom ‘bout wut happened. aftah they left, my mom lemme have it. she sed, “that becky mcguire iz dangerous. 1st a prison riot & now this. u needta find urself a nice, safe canadian english-speakin’ girl, like that eva u brot ovah here 1 tyme.” i tried tellin’ mom that eva h8s me, but she went on & on ‘bout it. neway, thass wut happened frum my side.
At 12:46 AM, howard said…

April,

No doubt you have heard from Becky and Jeremy about what happened in the zoo today, when Gerald got it into his young head to ride an elephant. I can tell you that it was one of the most frightening moments of my life. I owe my life, oddly enough, to a brief period of time in which I was employed at a circus to clean up after the animals and had a torrid relationship with Sabu the Elephant Man. This is not like the Elephant Man disease. It just meant that Sabu (real name Edward Smythe) was the elephant trainer. He had a predilection for having coital relations in unusual places which did include, I must admit, the top of a moving elephant. When I found that Gerald had foolishly gotten on top of an elephant, I relied on my old and somewhat disturbingly taught skills, to guide the elephants back into their pen and to carry Gerald off of the elephant. I have never told you of my brief circus life, because I don’t think we ever had an occasion that necessitated its telling and I thought we never would. But there it is. I think that, all things considered, Gerald was quite fortunate that no one was injured when all those animals were freed from their cages, or he would have been in much worse trouble than he is with the zoo. As it is, I am sure he will hear plenty from his parents, particularly when the zoo sends them a repair bill for the amount not covered by their insurance.

I wish that the event had not occurred while I was wearing my Belfrieda Batsize outfit, because I had hoped to limit my appearances in the outfit to just around Becky’s house. The local press got many pictures of me and Gerald on elephants, and I fear that they will determine that there is actually no such person as Belfrieda Batsize and mess up the whole situation I have with Becky and her mother and Dr. McCauley. When we finally arrived home from the circus, Krystle (Becky’s mother) and Dr. McCauley were waiting for us. It was clear that they had already seen the news and had been contacted by them.

Before they could say anything, I said, “Mrs. McGuire and Dr. McCauley, sir. I must apologize for the disaster at the zoo. It was all my fault. As the adult there, I should have been watching the young Forsythe-Delaney more carefully. If I had, I am sure that I could have prevented what happened.” Dr. McCauley said, “Nonsense, mother. I believe I can speak for everyone here when I say that the blame clearly lies with Becky.” Becky said, “What? I didn’t have anything to do with it. Why are you blaming me?” Dr. McCauley said, “Becky. It has not been that long ago when you were involved in a prison riot. Krystle has told me that it is almost impossible for you to play your music at a party without someone ending up in the hospital. You have a history of trouble. I know mom is capable, because she had to handle me all those years; but it is unreasonable to expect her to handle you every minute of every day. I am sorry you had to go through that, mom.” Krystle said, “Wait a minute, Ted! This wasn’t Becky’s fault. It was that Forsythe-Delaney boy. He is a known trouble-maker that was responsible for that health clinic breakout and he is known for destroying public property. It is unreasonable to expect Mrs. Batsize to be able to handle him.” Becky said, “No, it is not Gerald’s fault either. My dad gave him some crazy idea that he could subjugate any kind of animal, if he was able to ride his Icelandic hellhound, Freyfaxi. Everyone knows how impressionable Gerald is. Dad should have never told him something boneheaded like that.” Krystle said, “Thorvald. I should have known.” Dr. McCauley said, “That axe-wielding idiot is constantly causing problems.” Krystle said to me, “Mrs. Batsize. Even I was impressed with how well you handled the situation today. You are terrible maid, but you were able to keep Becky from getting hurt. I think this should be one of your duties, if not your primary one.” I said, “You don’t think Lars could have done better?” Krystle said, “Lars? He would have tried to wrestle the elephant. No. My daughter could outwit Lars in under 2 seconds. Becky needs someone who can think on her feet the next time she involves herself in some disaster.” Dr. McCauley said, “I agree with Krystle completely, mom. You should devote most of your time to watching over Becky. It will make my life so much easier, not having to watch her…I mean worry about her.” Krystle said, “You agree with me, Ted?” Dr. McCauley said, “Yes. Of course, Krystle. You are my future wife after all.” Krystle said, “Oh, Ted. It makes me weak in the knees to hear you say that. I think we should discuss this some more in private.” Dr. McCauley said, “Certainly. Can we use the maple syrup in our discussion?” Krystle said, “You are reading my mind.” Becky said, “Mom. Too much info.” Dr. McCauley said to me, “Well, mom. Good job today. It has been a long time since I have seen you riding elephants.” Then Krystle and Dr. McCauley went into their bedroom went into their bedroom, giggling and speaking of waffles.

Becky said, “I don’t know about you, Mrs. Batsize, but I am exhausted.” I said, “I am too. I can’t wait to get this outfit off. There is something about riding elephants and rescuing teenaged boys while dressed as an old woman, which just takes it out of me.” I am heading to sleep now. I will write to you again tomorrow. I hope your evening with Gerald went better than my afternoon with Gerald.

Howard K.
At 1:13 AM, Anonymous said…

Dear friends and my little Adalbjorg flower,

When I got home from Lulu's Tutu, Mom and Dad were waiting for me. I guess they saw the evening news. Also, the zoo contacted them about paying for the cost of repairs that exceed coverage under their insurance.

I expected them to be angry, but their actual reaction was, in some ways, even more disturbing.

Mom said, "Oh, son! We saw you on the news! You looked so athletic and vigorous!"

Dad said, "Way to go, son! I've never seen a greater feat of manly excellence in all my life!" Then he high-fived me before turning to Mom and saying, "See, I told you he didn't need those stupid performance enhancing drugs!"

Mom said, "Aloysius, for once I have to admit you're right. Gerald's strict diet and training regimen are clearly paying off. We're so proud!"

I said, "Umm, thanks Mom. But there's a problem. We might have to pay--"

Dad cut me off. "We know all about that, son. The zoo contacted us. Don't worry. Our umbrella policy will surely cover the bill. This sort of thing is why we carry comprehensive coverage."

Mom said, "Yes, you never know when your young son's manly exploits will leave you with a hefty bill!" Mom and Dad laughed. Then Mom wondered, "I don't know why your brother can't be more like you!"

Dad suddenly grabbed Mom around the waist and said, "Melanie, I haven't been so happy in years."

"Me either!" Mom said. "It's like all my worries and fears have vanished! I never realized before what a strain Gerald's gender-related woes have placed on our marriage."

Then Dad said, "Oh, Melanie--I love you!"

And Mom said, "Oh, Aloysius!" and they kissed.

Then Dad said, "I realize we had our monthly coital session last night, but perhaps--"

"Oh, Aloysius!" Mom gasped, and she swooned in his arms. Or pretended to. Because then she said, "Take me! Take me now!"

Then Dad threw Mom over his shoulder and ran upstairs. For the last three hours, there has been a lot of moaning and screaming coming from their bedroom.

My brother said, "Thanks a lot, Ger. It's your fault I can't sleep." Then he punched me in the stomach. But I didn't care.

Sincerely, Gerald

April's Real Blog

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Mtiggies not so big on the education, eh?

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