April's Real Blog

Monday, February 06, 2006

Mom holding the mortgage, with a smug look?

OK, so still talkin' abt thingz that happed nearly a week ago, namely this past Tues. As Mom & Dad were setting the table 4 dinner, Mom sed, "I told Moira I was ready 2 sell the store, John." & Dad was all, "U've picked a good time. It's doing well." & Mom was, like, "We turned it around didn't we." No question mark. & I think it's more that Moira turned it around, but whatevs. Dad: "Yes. Lilliput's is a good little bizness." Then, in a major WTF, since he practically begged Mom 2 sell last yr, "R U sure U're ready 2 let it go, honey?" & Mom sed, "Well...I'll probably keep a hand in it." & Dad went, "&, what wd the hand do?" Mom: "....Hold the mortgage." When she sed this, she turned her back 2 Dad & she had this horribly smug look on her face. I get a little ill just thinkin' abt it, 4 Moira's sake, cuz U just know Mom's gonna still haunt her like a scaryarse ghost when Moira takes over. & Dad raised his browz & kinda had his own smug "way 2 go" look on his choo-choo boy.

I'm gonna make this quick cuz Blogger'z already bein' flaky, & they're already threatening a scheduled outage @ 7PM PST (10PM east coast), & that's not even counting their big "surprise" unscheduled ones like yesterday!!!

Apes

Edit: Blogger's got a weirdness goin' on where the # of comments U C @ the end of the post doesn't match the # of comments there R. So U need 2 keep clicking on the comment link 2 actually C how many comments there R, eh?

posted by April Patterson @ 10:05 AM  

19 Comments:

  • At 11:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, when ur mom sellz the store, ru still gonna b workin' there? cuz u know it's 1 thing 2 pay the teenage daughter of the owner, but it's anothah thing 2 pay the teenage daughter of the mortgage holder.

     

  • At 11:51 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    u know what, jeremy? i was wondering the same thing, but i don't know, as no1 has sed nething abt this yet. remember my mom has the weird impression that "the kids" have no idea she's thinking of selling (see mom's feb letter). neway, i'd luv 2 have my afternoonz free again!

    speaking of free afternoons, mr. hi perspastick posted a sign on the door of the yrbook office, saying 2day's mtg is cancelled b-cuz he had 2 go outta town unexpectedly "on business". what kinda bizness wd a yrbook advisor need 2 leave town 4? weird!

    apes

    p.s. ger, thanx so much 4 getting my fone back fr. kortney last nite!

     

  • At 11:52 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    posting glitch again. . . .

     

  • At 1:03 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I had an interesting conversation with your step-grandmother Iris this morning at Sugar’s hair salon. The bus from the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace came by, with its usual load of ladies who want their hair styled and shamp-Ohed, but the crowd was a little larger than usual. I asked one of the octogenarians why there were so many and she said, “Oh after we get our hair done, we are all going to get elephant-riding lessons.” I said, “Elephant-riding lessons. That’s unusual.” She said, “Yes. But after seeing that nice Belfrieda Batsize rescue that insolent surly young punk teenaged boy on TV, it was inspirational. So, all of us older ladies are going to take elephant-riding lessons, just like our heroine Belfrieda.” I was cringing with every word.

    When your step-grandmother Iris got into the shamp-Oh chair, she said, “Why Coward. That’s a lovely dress. Be sure to give me a good shamp-Oh. I want to be screaming my dead husband, George’s name by the time you are done.” I said, “I will do my best. Are you going to take elephant-riding lessons also?” Iris said, “Yes I am Coward. Would you like to know the reason why?” I said, “Belfrieda Batsize?” She said, “Oh no. I had my annual physical with Dr. McCauley this morning and he informed me and Jim that it was not actually Belfrieda Batsize, but his mother that rode the elephant.” I said, “His mother? I thought she was dead.” Iris said, “So did I, but Dr. McCauley was most insistent.” Well then my darling husband said, “If my Marion could rise from the dead, I am sure she would ride an elephant and show that young punk teenager a thing or two.” I said, “His dead wife Marion?” Iris said, “Yes. I was deeply insulted, but I guess I should have expected it. Neither Jim nor his family have ever truly accepted me.”

    I said, “I think April likes you quite a bit.” Iris said, “Oh, sorry Coward. I forgot for a moment you were promised to her as her backup gay. From the way her straight boyfriend has been acting, you may have to step in sooner than you expected. No, April is the one exception in the Patterson family. Over Christmas, she not only played guitar with Jim for the family, but she let me get into the act playing a tambourine she had and also the spoons.” I said, “You play the spoons. That’s excellent.” Iris continued, “And April went shopping with me over Christmas to help me pick out gifts for my teenaged grandchildren. She didn’t seem to mind going shopping with me and it was quite pleasant. She is only one of Jim’s family that seems to show any interest in me or my family. Honestly, I don’t know why her parents constantly talk about her having behaviour problems. She is a very sweet girl.”

    I said, “Surely Jim is interested in your family.” Iris said, “Oh, he will talk with my daughter Sarah and her husband Adam, when they come over to visit from Barrie. But he never comes with me to visit my son Jordan, his wife Anna and my grandkids, Aydan and Emma in Calgary; or my daughter Maggie, her husband Jesse and my granddaughter Sophia in Arizona. He just says, ‘You should have a trip on your own. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.’ If I waited for him to go with me, then I would never see my grandchildren.” I said, “Why is that?” Iris said, “Richards family tradition. Don’t go visit grandchildren. They must be brought to you. Did you know that when we went to visit Mike and Deanna for Meredith’s 3rd birthday last October, it was only the second time that Elly had gone to her son’s new place since her grandson was born? And then she has the nerve to complain that her in-law Mira Sobinski visits them too often. It is quite extraordinary, and certainly not what I consider to be proper grandmother behaviour. However, I know she got it from Jim.”

    I said, “But Elly visits you pretty often.” Iris said, “Dixie visits for Jim, and her husband John never comes with her. She is not really there to visit me and as grouchy as Jim is when she comes to visit, it’s a wonder she visits at all.” I said, “Don’t you get visits from Elizabeth and Mike?” Iris said, “Elizabeth has never visited us at the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace. Mike and Deanna brought their kids once. Jim said they visited him all the time all the time when his first wife Marion was alive, but now, hardly at all. Don’t tell Jim, but I think they much preferred Marion to him.” I said, “What about April?” Iris said, “April was young when Marion died. I don’t think she knew her grandmother very well. Of course, it helps that Jim is nicer to her than almost anyone else, including me. Oh. That’s a good spot, Coward. Stay right there. Give it to me! Give it to me, George. Oh, George. Ooooh!”

    Well after visiting with me, Marjee Mahaha did her hair and she left for her elephant-riding lesson. It was an interesting discussion; I thought you might be interested in hearing about.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 1:27 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    that's a pretty weird story, howard. where on earth do all theze odefoax thing they're gonna get elephant-riding lessons, neway?

    apes

     

  • At 4:43 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, yeah, i don't know what the dealio is w/the oldiez. i hope i don't get all freakie when i get old.

    jeremy, weird thing happed this afternoon. after school, i was tryin' 2 decide what 2 do since yrbook was cancelled but mom didn't know, so i didn't hafta go 2 lilliput's rite away. & suddenly, zsa-zsa, zaire, zinnia, & zazu came up 2 me & zsa-zsa was all, "here, april, we thot u mite wanna borrow this." & she handed me a book called goth fashion for dummiez. i took it & i sed, "is this yr way of telling me u think i'm dumb?" & zaire sed, "no, it's just a catchy seriez of guidebooks, u're not supposta take it personally." & zinnia sed, "tho she can use help w/the fashion", & zazu was all, "duh, that's just obvious." zsa-zsa kinda patted me on the shoulder & sed, "just read the book & let us know if u wanna try out being 'zapril'."

    apes

     

  • At 5:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i think the z-girlz sed they mite come by 2 visit w/u. i told them ur mom wud nevah let u dress goth, but they sed they had the same problemz w/their momz & they did it. i wud love 2cu dressed goth. neway, i have a freaky story 2 tell u.

    i wuz walkin’ home frum skool 2day & ur dad came by lookin’ 4u. i sed, “i think she only stayz aftah skool on tuesday & friday 2 watch her bf play hockey. she’z prolly ovah @her mom’z store. ur dad sed, “she iz? i wanted 2 show my best friend this car i am test-drivin’.” i sed, “well try her there.” he sed, “do u wanna c this car i am test-drivin’?” i sed, “not rilly.” he sed, “i’ll drive u home. it will b faster than walkin’.” i sed, “no thanks dr. p.” he sed, “jeremy jones. i am ur dentist & well-respected n the community.” then there wuz this voice frum the car that sed, “too strident. ask 4 hiz help & offer a dental discount.” dr. p sed, “i rilly need the opinion of a teenager on the new car & u get 50% off ur next dental visit.” well, my mom cud uze the savings, so i got n.

    wen i got n, there wuz this map thing on the dash. i sed, “wut iz that?” dr. p sed, “it’s the gps. it tellz me where i am & how to get to where i wanna go.” i sed, “luks cube.” then he sed, “feel this.” & my butt started getting’ hot. he sed, “heated seats.” i sed, “cube.” then he sed, “feel this.” & my butt started getting cold. he sed, “air conditioned seats 4 the summer.” i sed, “cube. this car iz rilly innerested n ur butt.” then he sed, “feel this.” & my butt started liftin’ up n the air & my head hit the top of the car. he sed, “ejection seats.” i sed, “ouch. can u put my seat down now?” he sed, “the mirrorz & the windshield wiperz r also heated.” i sed, “cube.” while i wuz rubbing my head.

    then the gps thing spoke. it sed, “please give ur destination.” dr. p sed, “jeremy jones house, milborough.” the car sed, “proceed str8 ahead & turn rite @the lite.” so, dr. p starts movin’ & duz wut the gps sed 2 do. then the gps sed, “continue on this road for 6.57 km, then turn rite on osbourne avenue.”

    so then ur dad sed, “this car iz v.v. comfortable. i wish i cud ride n it when elly & i take our 1-week hot holiday. now that we're both ovah 50, we cannot imagine gettin’ thru the winter w/o @least a week's holiday.” i sed, “thass cube. wen ru goin’?” ur dad sed, “the best tyme 2 go iz wen april haz her march break. that way we don’t hafta worry ‘bout her missin’ skool, cuz we r not there 2 monitor her.” u alreddy told me ‘bout this, but i thot i wud ask. “y don’t u take april on the vacation w/u?” dr. p started laffing. he sed, “ur so young & inexperienced. ‘rents don’t take vacations w/their kidz. it wud defeat the purpose of the vacation.” i sed, “& that purpose iz?” dr. p sed, “2 get away frum their kidz, of course.” i sed, “of course. i thot it mite b2 take a break frum work or 2 spend tyme w/ur kid while they r still livin’ w/u.” dr. p thot this wuz hysterical. he sed, “where do u get ur ideaz, jeremy? u shud b a stand-up comedian.” i sed, “just comez 2 me naturally, i guess.”

    dr. p sed, “that wuz rilly funny. mebbe we shud take u on our 1 week hot holiday.” i sed, “thanx, but i don’t think thass a gud idea.” dr. p sed, “ur rite. the airplanez r so uncomfortable, u wudn’t b n the mood 2 make us laff.” i sed, “yes. airplanez r v.v. uncomfortable.” dr. p sed, “yes. ur treated like livestock by the airlines, ur packed like sardines n2 seats spaced 4 toddlers, u feel like a cow n a cr8, a chicken n a coop, a pig n a blanket, a dog n a bun, a canary in a coal mine, a rat n a maze, a steer n a slaughterhouse, a bull n a chinashop, …”

    the gps sed, “stop makin’ st00pid animal analogiez. ur ‘bout 2 miss ur turn.” dr. p swerved n2 a rite turn. the gps sed, “u tuk sum rubber of the tires w/that turn. stay on this road 4 2 km & then turn left & pay attention this tyme.” the gps wuz startin’ 2 freak me out, but not az much az the next thing dr. p sed.

    so then ur dad sed, “jeremy. ur a healthy boy. u prolly have regular sex. wut wud u say iz the secret 2 gettin’ a woman n bed?” i sed, “dr. p. i don’t wanna talk ‘bout this.” dr. p sed, “nonsense. i need some practical advice frum sum1 who haz been gettin’ sum. wud a valentine’s basket work? mebbe doin’ a lot more laundry & loading of the dishwasher? how ‘bout picking up socks & trouserz?” i sed, “dr. p i don’t wanna talk ‘bout this w/u? it’s creepin’ me out.”

    ur dad sed, “heh, heh. u think i am 2 old. u can still b smooth & romantic @the age of 54! now that i think of it, a lot more smooth & romantic than when i wuz only 25 & trying 2 win her hand or mebbe evn the whole girl.” i sed, “i thot u were 2 years oldah than mrs. p.” he sed, “yes. i wuz born in 1949 & elly wuz born in 1951.” i sed, “i thot u married her b4 she cud finish university.” he sed, “yes. thass rite.” i sed, “so how cud you want 2 win her hand or othah body parts when ur 25? u were already married by then.” he sed, “oh u thot i wuz talkin’ ‘bout winnin’ my elly’s hand. i unnerstand.” the gps sed, ‘stop creepin’ out the boy & get reddy 4 ur turn.” dr. p sed, “wen i wuz 25, it wuz a v. gud year. it wuz a v. gud year 4 blue-blooded girlz of independent meanz. we'd ride n limousinez. their chauffeurs wud drive, wen i wuz 25.” the gps sed, “u missed the turn u idiot. u were 2 bizzy singin’ sinatra. can’t u evn make a turn wen i give u plenty of advance notice? i’m takin’ ovah.” then the car started drivin’ itself, kinda like that love bug movie. it got 2 my house n about 2 minutes. i sed, “thank u gps thing.” the gps thing sed, “ur a gud boy. i’m takin’ this pervert back 2 the dealership. it will b a cold day n hell b4 i let him nside me again.” dr. p sed, “u sound just like elly.”

    it wuz weird. remind me not 2 ride w/ur dad again, eh?

     

  • At 6:40 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yikes, jeremy, i'm sorry my dad keeps ropin' u in 4 these bizarro test drivez. i wish he'd just buy a dumb car already, sell the idiotwacker, & shut up already.

    u know what? i have a weird feeling dad wasn't even lookin' 4 me in the 1st place. i think he likes takin' u 4 test drives, jeremy.

    neway, that gps soundz way smarter than dad. mayb i can get a gps device 2 adopt me?

    apes

     

  • At 7:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Am this that blog of edit Mike Patterson? If truest, I havest an film script to him editor. I seeing have him work editing and I thinked he are the write men for the jobs.

    Calling I at: 555-MB5-1234. Our secretary Rob Wilco answered phone might.

    Your, Bucky Katt

     

  • At 7:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Checking my website if your not knowing who I be.

     

  • At 7:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings this morning about your mother’s decision to sell her business. Retirement is a big decision. I am glad your mother has enough money to be able to do it, when she is so young. You are lucky to have a good example with your mother on how to handle money.

    I have returned to Otter County after a very nice weekend with your sister. After we cleaned up Shiimsa’s presents last night, we had a nice supper. Your sister took your advice and did not lock Shiimsa up in a closet. She did inform Shiimsa that she was to sleep on her and not on me last night. So, Shiimsa did start the evening with your sister. However, when I woke she was on my belly, purring nicely. I think Shiimsa likes both of us.

    As I left this morning your sister said, “My class at school is doing really well, and I'm experiencing a really nice stage in what I hope will be a long-term relationship.” I said, “You are talking about me?” She said, “Yes. You make me laugh. You treat me like a queen.” I said, “I thought you might crown me yesterday.” Your sister laughed and said, “That’s exactly what I am talking about. You already know my favourite kind of joke. Maybe I was supposed to meet you. Who knows! All I know is, I have the feeling for you they write songs about!” I said, “What songs?” Your sister said, “You know like:

    Feels Like Heaven, Fiction Factory
    I Know What Boys Like, Waitresses
    Just Like Heaven, The Cure
    Just Like Paradise, David Lee Roth
    Like a Prayer, Madonna
    Like a Virgin, Madonna
    No one like you, Scorpions
    Run like hell, Pink Floyd
    She's Like the Wind, Patrick Swayze
    Waiting for a girl like you, Foreigner
    Walk Like An Egyptian, The Bangles
    Who Needs Love (Like That), Erasure

    Those kinds of songs” your sister said. Your sister knows a lot of songs. I can’t wait until my next time off to go to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees).

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 7:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, bucky, i'll send yr info 2 mike, but i hafta warn u, he mite not b that helpful.

    apes

     

  • At 7:28 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh, man, Apes, yr mom made Steph put the wurst foto of us in yr famly album. Cld u get Steph 2 get rid of it Im bummed enuf already.

    OMG. I think I mite of punned.

    L8r.

     

  • At 7:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    sumtymez liz likes 2 rattle off the namez of songs. :0)

    glad thingz r getting better w/shiimsa, paul.

    apes

     

  • At 7:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis, thank you for passing on the film script job reference from Bucky Katt. I like working with film scripts. Sitting in my workspace late at night, my mind often wanders and I think about all the brilliant people whose creative contributions have lit up human history; and the people who are doing so today with their film scripts. I feel arrogant in hoping that my small contribution might make a difference to Bucky Katt’s film script, because it is so perfect. His style is so effortless and reveals so much of the human character. It is like a script I would have written, if I wrote scripts instead of editing them.

    If you get any more job leads like that one, pass them on.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 7:36 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, i tried, but steph sed mom picked out the fotoz & insisted they all had 2 go up.

    apes

     

  • At 7:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, dunc iz rite. wen ur mom picked out fotoz of u & dunc, she wuz hittin' rock bottom. i shud thank her 4 leavin' me out.

     

  • At 9:00 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i don't know y, but i think she went outta her way 2 find bad pix of me, dunc, ger, & becks. mayB it sumhow makes her feel better abt how she looks?

    apes

     

  • At 11:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Rebeccah and friends,

    Being married under the auspices of the right deity is no laughing matter. Friday is the day of the goddess Freya. She is the goddess of love, beauty, and fecundity, aka babymaking. It is important for Thorvald to be married on this day because:

    1. He hopes Freya will make him fall in love with Kortney.

    2. He hopes Freya will make Kortney beautiful, thus making it easier for him to love her.

    3. He hopes Freya makes Kortney pregnant with his son as soon as possible.

    Thorvald and I talked it over and agreed--Friday is definitely the right day for a marriage.

    Incidentally, Thorvald's friend Orque held up a liquor store last night and is being held without bail. Therefore, I have been asked to take over the duties of the best man. I graciously accepted.

    Becky, we're going to get to walk down the aisle together! I can't wait!

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

     

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