(Re)tired
Oh, whatever. Yeah, so, a week ago, when we had dinner, I had 2 act, like, all surprised that Mom was planning 2 sell the bookstore. So I was all, "U're gonna sell Lilliput's?" & Mom was, like, "Yes. Moira & her husband R meeting w/us 2morrow 2 discuss the details." Then, I was totally chanelling Everett Callahan, Elliot Everett, & Keanu Reaves by going, "Whoa! That's Major!--What R U gonna do--retire?" Mom sed, "No....I'm thinking of going back 2 school. --Or, @ least taking sum courses. I want 2 get more involved with the theatre guild, spend more time w/the grandchildren, travel... Do thingz I've been wanting 2 do, but never had the time." & I sed, "That soundz like retirement, Mom." & She got all pissy & sed, "I'm not retiring, April. I'm just plain tired." WTF? D00dz, how is this even, like, an argument? It's like that Patterson "pun" disease is so advanced in Mom she hasta like squeeze 1 in @ all costs, eh? & Dad had one of his st00pid raised-eyebrow "D'oh" looks 4 sum reason. I think he was bummed b-cuz he was planning 2 drop in a "punny" line about (re)tirement.
So, Becky's dad planz 2 marry Kortney on Friday, peeps! Gerald's all xcited cuz he'z been asked 2 B best man (Orque can't do it--held w/out bail).
Oh, it looks like our hockey team's gonna hafta forfeit against Cul-Leche Preparatory. Most of the boyz who weren't out cuz of eye injuriez called in sick 2day.
Apes
So, Becky's dad planz 2 marry Kortney on Friday, peeps! Gerald's all xcited cuz he'z been asked 2 B best man (Orque can't do it--held w/out bail).
Oh, it looks like our hockey team's gonna hafta forfeit against Cul-Leche Preparatory. Most of the boyz who weren't out cuz of eye injuriez called in sick 2day.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:53 AM
26 Comments:
At 12:25 PM,
howard said…
April,
Well Kortney Krelbutz delivered my wedding outfit and Marjee Mahaha’s wedding outfit to us at Sugar’s salon. When she came in the salon she said, “Hauskuld. You need to try on your outfit. Which one of these women is Marjee Bjork Thorvaldsbastarddottir Mahaha?” Marjee came over and said, “I am Marjee.” Kortney said to me, “So this is your date for the wedding, the woman who told you to be a ring bearer instead of my flower girl?” I said, “Yes. Marjee is my date for the wedding.” Kortney said to Marjee, “Are you looking forward to calling me step-mom?” Marjee kind of growled and said to me, “So this is your ex-girlfriend, the one that tried to trick you into marriage, and robbed April’s mom’s store and robbed a jewelry store to get her engagement ring?” I said, “Yes. Kortney and I used to date.” Marjee said to Kortney, “Are you looking forward to calling me step-daughter?” Kortney kind of growled and said, “I need you two to try on your outfits for size.”
So Marjee and I went into the back room to change. Sugar stuck her head in and said, “No funny stuff, you two. This is a business, not a place for tawdry sex.” We stared at her. After she left, Marjee said, “I can’t believe you used to date Kortney. She is so awful. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. You dated Fiona Brass for awhile.” I said, “What’s wrong with Kortney?” Marjee said, “Let me see. She’s a criminal, she’s mean, and she looks like a man.” I said, “So she’s kind of like Maynard, your old boyfriend.” Marjee said, “She’s nothing like Maynard, except for that criminal and looking like a man part. Maynard was a nice guy. Let me see how you look.” I turned to her and Marjee started laughing. She said, “Oh Howard. I am beginning to think I should have chosen flower girl for you.” I said, “What?” I went into the salon and everyone burst out laughing. “What is it?” I said, until I looked in a mirror. The combination of my red hair colour and the pointy hat makes me look like a circus clown.
I said to Kortney, “I think I want to be a flower girl instead.” Kortney said inbetween laughs, “Oh no, Hauskuld. This outfit is perfect for you.” Sugar said, “You look like a brightly coloured garden gnome.” Marjee said, “Oh Howard. You look precious.” I am having many second thoughts about this wedding. However, Marjee did look very nice in her dress and she received quite a few compliments from the other salon patrons, once they finished laughing at me.
Howard K.
At 12:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
LOL, Sugar wants us to stay in costume all day, but Kortney says we need to change out so we don't get our wedding regalia dirty.
Marjee Bjork Thorvaldsbastarddottir Mahaha
At 1:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i ran n2 ur mom @skool 2day. i hadta give a comp ticket to artemis, who wuz n the office w/eva/ava 4 a detention slip 4 putting on makeup while the teacher wuz talkin’, which iz a weird reazn 4 detention. in the office, ur mom wuz talkin’ 2 the guidance counselor ‘bout applyin' 2 go 2 university i think. she spotted me & sed, “jeremy jones. just the boy i needta talk 2.” i sed, “y do u needta talk 2 me, mrs. p?” she sed, “u talk 2 my teenager, rite?” i sed, “u mean april?” she sed, “yes thass her name.” i sed, “i talk 2 april every day wen i am n skool.” ur mom sed, “duz my teenager complain about me?” i sed, “mrs. p. i don’t wanna get april n trubble.” she said, “oh no. jeremy. i just want 2 make sure that my teenager haz been complainin’ & she haz quality complaints.” i sed, “wut do u mean quality complaints?” she sed, “u know. the kinda complaints that make a teenager look good instead of lookin’ like she iz a moody, incoherent, martian-girl.” i sed, “i dunno wut u mean?” ur mom sed, “here’z an xxample. she sez ‘my ‘rents r makin’ me stay home with the neighbour while they go on vacation without me.’ that is 1 of my favourites. how wud it make her look?” i sed, “it wud make her look like her ‘rents r selfish peeps who don’t want 2 take her on vacation.” ur mom sed, “xxactly. a quality complaint.” i sed, “ok. so wut iz a low quality complaint?” ur mom sed, “if she sed, ‘i have zits & it’s my mom’z fault.’ that wud b low quality, cuz most teenz have zits.” i sed, “so, u want april 2 have quality complaints, so…” ur mom sed, “it will help her make friends in her new skool. she’s been in her new skool for over ½ the year now & she can only name ‘bout 1/2 the peeps n her grade. plus it will give her sumthin’ 2 say wen she haz a class where she duzn’t know ne1 n class. if she haz quality complaints, there will b lots of peeps who will feel sorry 4 her & she will make friendz. so jeremy, haz my teenager been complaining ‘bout me?” i sed, “just this morning she wuz complaining cuz u concluded an argument w/her ‘bout if u were retiring or not w/sum pun about b-ing plain tired.” ur mom sed, “did it work? did peeps feel sorry 4 her?” i sed, “i know i did.” ur mom sed,”xxcelllent. i am such a gud mom. tell me 2 keep up the gud work.” i sed, “keep up the gud work.” she sed, “i know i will.” & then she walked away & left the skool. weird, eh?
At 1:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings this morning about your mother’s indecision over retirement or plain tiredment. In the police field, there are many who burn out quickly under the working conditions, so their retirement is actually a plain tiredment. They are too tired of the work to go on. I can understand your mother’s feeling plain tired. Milborough must be a tough town for bookstore owners.
As for me, I plan to be in it for the long haul. I am fortunate to be working in a place with a low level of violent crime. Sometimes it seems like I spend most of my day offering counseling and advice in addition to enforcing the law. Just last night, my partner and I caught a man shoplifting and took him into our correction center. Then I had a long conversation with him about how to choose and purchase stocks for long-term investment, instead of shoplifting. I am proud to have a job where I can have an impact on someone’s life.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 1:32 PM,
April Patterson said…
aw, man, my mom's a freak, eh?
apes
At 3:36 PM,
Anne said…
Wow Paul, yr 1 cool police officer. What do u do w/people arrested 4 DUI's? I'll bet Maynard wished he interfaced w/cops like u.
Coach McAdorie's happy 2 have sum1 covering the JV curling games, but he thinks I need 2 learn more about the sport. Fine, fair enough. I just wish he didn't give me "Knowledge and Admiration of Curling for Ignorant Canadians" 2 read. Oh well...I can put this extracurricular on my college apps NEway.
Vicks
At 5:24 PM,
howard said…
April,
I got off of work at the salon and began cleaning at the McGuire/McCauley house when I got a call from Krystle McGuire (Becky’s mom). She asked me if I would go and pick up a prescription for her at the Pharmacy Plus in the Spigott Building. I think this is where your sister-in-law is the pharmacist.
When I got there, I couldn’t see if your sister-in-law was working, because all the persons working in the pharmacy were wearing surgical masks. I told the person at the pharmacy I was picking up for Krystle McGuire and I had her identification for the prescription. The person at the front said it would be a few minutes. I asked the pharmacy person, “Why are you all wearing surgical masks?” The pharmacy person said, “Cold and flu season.” I said, “I see. So you’re trying to protect the purity of the drugs with the surgical masks.” The pharmacy person said, “No. They are to protect us from sneezing and coughing customers who use money or debit cards.” I said, “I see. Wait. Isn’t that all your customers?” The pharmacy person said, “Shh! Don’t say anything else about it or our manager will deliver a speech about common courtesy.” Sure enough, another pharmacy person came out and said, “Common courtesy? Common courtesy? Let me tell you about common courtesy. Adults should cover their mouths when they sneeze or cough. Also adults should avoid public spaces as much as possible. And don’t get me started on nose-blowing. Here at the Pharmacy Plus, I inspect the staff each and every day for illness. If they are sick then they are sent home. My advice is stay home, fill up on fluids, rest and stay well!” Then she pointed her gloved hand at me, “You. Who is your doctor?” I said, “Dr. McCauley. He works in this building.” She said, “Who is your dentist?” I said, “Dr. Everett Callahan. He works in this building as an associate with Dr. Patterson.” She said, “Be sure to sanitize your hands.”
I sanitized my hands and was waiting patiently, until I noticed the pharmacy people starting to get a little excited, and it seemed like they were looking at me. Then out of nowhere these 2 security guys jump me and pin me to the ground. I said, “What are you doing?” The pharmacist manager person said, “That’s the salesman. You thought you could fool me, but I called Dr. Patterson and he said he didn’t have an associate named Dr. Everett Callahan. His associate’s name is Elliot.” The security guys dragged me to my feet and I said, “His associate’s name is Dr. Everett Callahan.” The pharmacist manager person said, “Oh. You’re good, thinking you could prey on an unsuspecting pharmacist. You may be an expert performer when you say you are sick, but you are not smart enough to fool me.”
I said, “I didn’t say I was sick. I am picking up a prescription for my employer.” The pharmacist manager said, “Don’t I know it. Well mister, that’s one tube of anti-fungal cream that is not going to hit the streets.” I said to the security guys, “Take me to the list of physicians in the front of the building and I will show you Dr. Everett Callahan’s name.” The security guys said, “We taking this guy away, now. Thanks for catching another one.” She said, “No problem. I quite enjoy it when I can stop a would-be salesman from getting supplies.”
So, we get to the lobby of the Spigott building with me complaining the whole way and they let me go. I said, “Don’t you want to see the list of physicians?” They said, “Not necessary. The pharmacist manager has called us in every one of Dr. Callahan’s patients. We went to talk to Dr. Patterson about it. He swears his associate’s name is Elliot, but the actual associate says differently. Here’s your prescription and thank you for doing business at Pharmacy Plus and the Spigott Building.” I think I am going to ask Krystle to do business with a different pharmacy next time.
I thought you might be interested in that story,
Howard K.
At 5:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
rebeccah, at least ur wedding outfit duzn’t have these thingz tied onto ur legz connect 2 ur shoez. i can barely walk with thoze thingz. they kinda cut off the blood in my legz. & my mom freaked out wen she saw my wedding outfit had a belt w/a knife. she sed, “becky mcguire iz gonna b the death of u, jeremy. y can’t u d8 a girl w/a sane famly like that nice eva girl, u brot 2 the house once?” i sed, “ava.” my mom sed, “wut?” i sed, “she decided 2 change her name to ava. she hangz out with the wannabe grade 11 blonde girlz now & she still h8s me.” she sed, “wut about that girl u go 2c curling w/?” i sed, “she alreddy haz a bf.” she sed, “i am gonna hafta find u sum1 safer 4u.” i dunno wut she haz n mind, but she sed i cud go 2 the wedding, az long az i carry a rubber knife. i hope ur dad duzn’t notice or xxpect me 2 get n2 ne knife fites.
At 5:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
Felicitous salutations, friends!
The bewitching bride-elect dropped my best man's outfit off at my house. I love the hat and cape! When the wedding is over, I think I will keep them to wear to school on chilly days. I wish my hat was pointy, though, like Howard's. Mine is kind of round and squatty.
I asked Thorvald if I could wear my locket with the outfit, but he said no, that it was not a traditional Icelandic piece of jewelry. I asked him if I could just tuck it inside my shirt. He said no. He told me that I need to start thinking about Becky as a future wife. "She's almost 50% Viking!" he told me. "You would make beautiful blonde children!" Then he said, "You would make a wonderful first husband for my little Becky-Thora."
I told Thorvald that I preferred the eternal love of my little April flower to the temporary love of a Viking tramp who is already planning to subject me to the public shame and everlasting hellfire that awaits me upon our pre-planned divorce.
Then Thorvald explained to me that in the Viking religion, you can only get into heaven if you die in battle. So he says I am probably going to hell no matter what I do. I told him I would think about it.
Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 6:32 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, wow, soundz like deanna's going way overboard thinking she'z stopping peeps fr. selling the scrip stuff "on the streets". who wants 2 buy anti-fungal stuff fr. a dealer neway.
ger, geez, sum1 else tryin' 2 push u & becks 2gether. that's not cube! y isn't ne1 out there telling every1 2 get w/me, eh?
apes
At 6:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
gerald, u shud get w/april. she iz cube & she iz smart & despite that she still likes u. ur not marryin’ rebeccah. she iz my xxclusive friend w/bennies not urs. b-sides ur not a natural blonde, remembah? u started dyeing ur hair in 2004. c this pic from 2003 & this pic frum 2004. there’z my proof 4 the next tyme ic rebeccah’s dad.
At 6:45 PM,
April Patterson said…
thanx, jeremy, that makes me feel better. :)
apes
At 8:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Paul,
While I am proud that you have such a responsible position, I worry about you all the time. I know you say your work is boring most of the time, but I worry about the dangerous part. I'm sure that when you have a family, you will reconsider and take a nice, safer job that pays more money. For example, you might become a dentist. Dentists make excellent money. It would be very difficult for us to ever move to Milborough on a policeman's salary.
Like, Liz
At 8:03 PM,
howard said…
April,
Problems. Problems. Problems.
Problem #1: In addition to sewing up Dr. McCauley’s clothes (I know the man is seeing women on the side, but why do they have to shred his clothing?), I am also sewing a veil onto Becky’s maid of honour dress for her father’s wedding. I should mention it is a veil with reinforced stitching, so Kortney is going to have a hard time tearing it off again. You know how hard it is to reinforce something as flimsy as a veil? It is not easy at all. I may have to redo the veil itself to make it stronger, but still see through. This was not one of Kortney’s better moments to decide to tear it off.
Problem #2: The preferred male heir and new wife thing is starting to sink in with Becky. She has had her dad to herself for so long, she is now realizing that she will have 2 competitors for his attention with Kortney and a baby. She is also beginning to suspect that neither will be a friendly competitor.
Problem #3: Thorvald has been ignoring his duties as her manager and Becky completely trusts him. Jeremy Jones had a lead from the DeGroot family for a party, but he cannot get Thorvald interested in following up on it. He said, “DeGroot comes from Northern France and Belgium and is not worthy of good Viking or even ½ Viking music.” I don’t want to push Becky on this subject, since her relationship with her dad is very touchy right now.
Problem #4: Krystle (Becky’s mom) and Dr. McCauley insist that Belfrieda Batsize attend the wedding. Krystle got very upset of the news of Thorvald’s wedding, since he and she are not legally divorced until this summer. Thorvald informed her that the goddess Freyr is a higher authority than the Crown. Krystle is afraid that Thorvald will consider it to be the goddess Freyr’s opinion that he should run off with Becky. So, I am to attend the wedding to keep watch over Becky as Belfrieda Batsize, while at the same time participate in the wedding as Hauskuld, the ring bearer.
Problem #5: Electrified rodents. Every day I have to sweep rodents into cardboard boxes and call the Milborough Animal Control to pick them up. The animal control people are convinced something happened to the leader of the electrified rodents and that is why they are running loose. Personally, I don’t think animals that chew on electrical wires are all that bright.
Problem #6: Duncan still has a thing for Becky, which she is ignoring. She is counting on him, you and Gerald to provide music for the wedding, but Duncan has not agreed to do this. I would think you guys would need to practice a little. When I mention it to Becky, she just says, “Duncan will be there. Don’t worry.”
Problem #7: I need heavier weights. The ones I have been lifting seem too light now and they are not working to get my mind off Kortney marrying Thorvald. I think I need to buy some heavier weights.
I hope you don’t have any problems these days,
Howard K.
At 8:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
rebeccah, my photoz of geranium n my prior post r d8ed 1 month apart. sorry, rebeccah, that iz 2 fast 4 a natural change. geranium is a bottle blonde. u may think he iz v.v. handsome, but thass not hiz natural colour. b-sidez i thot u liked it wen i had my own opinionz? didn’t u tell me, “bandz make it rock, but roadiez make it roll?”
At 8:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Kaa-mesnin gwanaaj oshki-ikwe! (I miss you, beautiful one)!
Did I read your writings correctly? Do you want to have a family with me and move to Milborough? I am looking at Dental School applications now. The University of Western Ontario in London has a dental school. That is a little close to Mtigwaki.
Gawaabmin miinwa (Hope to see you again soon)
Constable Paul Wright
At 8:30 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, luann told me degroot is a dutch name, but i guess that prolly wdn't make a diff w/mr. mcguire. lemme know if there'z nething i can do 2 help, eh?
mayB we shd rehearse 2morrow. ger, dunc, becks, r u guyz up 4 it?
apes
At 8:37 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh man oh man oh man oh man. I went 2 c my lawyer 2day. He thinks Im rilly boned an' I shld plead guilty. He told me 2 read this an' c him next week.
Y shld I rehearse 2morrow Beckers thinks Im a crap musician NEway.
At 8:37 PM,
duncan anderson said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
At 8:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, thass wut i told rebeccah'z dad, 'bout it b-ing dutch. it didn't make ne difference, like u sed. do u need me 2 do sound 4u @the wedding? i shud b done w/ushing b4 u hafta play nething.
At 9:11 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, man, dunc, that's a scaree doc! i hope u're not boned.
i don't remember becks sayin' u're a crap musician. becks, do u remember sayin' that? i think u rock, dunc!
jeremy, i think becks wants u 2 do sound.
apes
At 9:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Paul,
I think you misunderstood my message. I am only speculating about what you might want to do in the event that I someday decide I more than like you. I haven't decided that yet.
And dental school is only one option, although it is a good one. For example, if I someday more than like you, you could join my father's practice in Milborough. You would have to take an E name though.
But, that is all just speculation. Right now we have a partnership that is fully committed, but that commitment only includes visits with cross-country skiing and hot chocolate. And also quality time with Shiimsa.
Besides, I thought you wanted to be a policeman forever?
Sincerely liking you, Liz
At 9:17 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Beckers u think Im a gr8 musician? Cube! Im in!
p.s. I dont have all these hott chix only Kimmi an' the nuns @ the Catholic military reform skool.
At 1:14 AM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Kaa-mesnin gwanaaj oshki-ikwe! (I miss you, beautiful one)!
I am sorry to be slow in responding to you. I am on duty now. I just finished a conversation with a man my partner and I arrested for driving under the influence. It was the man’s first offence, so he is likely to get a $600 fine, and a 1-year driving prohibition. We had a nice discussion about which non-alcoholic beers have the best taste.
I am glad I received your message. Not glad, actually. But it did keep me from sending in those dental school applications I had filled out. I guess those will have to wait until you decide you more than like me. I did not understand what you said about taking an E name. Is it something like E-mail?
You wrote that you thought I wanted to be a policeman forever. I would like to be a policeman for the long haul. But, you know that I am crazy about you. I have fallen in love with you. If I were to make a life with you, then I would have to make some sacrifices. When we were together you told me you felt you didn’t belong to Milborough anymore. You talked about traveling to Europe, or going to teach English in Japan. I can’t be with you in Europe or Japan and still work in the Ontario Provincial Police. Even if you decide you want to stay in Mtigwaki, I would need to change jobs. The closest Ontario Provincial Police detachment to Mtigwaki is 3 hours drive away. My heart says to take it slow, but my head says to consider the future. Dental school would not be my first choice, but if that is what it takes to be with you, then I could try it.
I know you may not be ready for me to say things like that to you. As you know, I don’t believe in holding back my feelings and I want you to know what they are. I am crazy about you, my sweet girl.
Gawaabmin miinwa (Hope to see you again soon)
Constable Paul Wright
At 1:45 AM,
howard said…
April,
This wedding between Kortney and Thorvald is driving me nutso! You should have heard the discussion between Becky and Gerald’s barber when she asked him for an affidavit stating he is a natural blonde. Becky is saying, “I have to find out, because my father wants to know. No, my father is not related to Gerald, but he wants to be.” It was all very silly, but neither Becky nor the barber seemed very amused. Becky’s dad seemed to be very anxious about it. Honestly, Gerald is committed to you, so I don’t know why such a thing is even important.
Then Becky and Thorvald had a long discussion about the differences between Freyr and Freya. I told Becky I was the one who got the two of them confused. But then Thorvald got on some tangent about how Freyr’s powers included fertility, but Freya was known mainly for love, sex, and attraction; not fruitfulness to wombs. I think they got it straightened out between them, but I was very confused. Don’t be surprised if mix them up again.
Then after reinforcing the veil on Becky’s wedding hat, she changed her mind and decided that she didn’t want to test the hat against an angry Kortney. Thorvald agreed. He said, “Becky-thora does not have the resilience of Skrymir's head, being struck repeatedly by Thor wielding his hammer Mjolnir. It is best to leave the hat unveiled.” So, I have to take the veil back off.
I did get some newer and heavier weights. I expect to be doing a lot of lifting after I finish with all this sewing.
Howard K.
At 1:50 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Paul,
Yes, sometimes I think that I don't belong in Milborough anymore. But that is where my friends and family are. So, other times I think maybe that's where I belong. Especially if I had children. I would not want to take them far away from my parents. My mom puts the grand in grandma, as you may have heard.
And sometimes I think about going to Europe or teaching English in Japan. But then again, I am probably not brave enough for those things. Someday I might take a trip to Europe, on my honeymoon, when I have a man along to protect me. But I doubt I will do those things alone.
Sometimes I think I don't what I want where marriage is concerned. But then other times I realize I wish I were married so I could be normal like everyone else, and I get depressed.
As you can tell, I am kind of confused. That is probably why you got the wrong idea about me wanting you to apply to dental school. It was just a thought I had. Now I am thinking other things.
Like, just this afternoon, while I was making a fluffernutter sandwich, I was convinced I was going to become a nun. But then, ten minutes later, when I was washing the plate and putting away the peanut butter, I remembered that I'm not Catholic.
Don't take any of my thoughts about the future too seriously, Paul. I tend to do things on a whim. Like, one day I had no interest whatsoever in Native culture. Then my old boyfriend got married, and suddenly I had the strong urge to move up north, far away from Milborough, and learn all about Natives. Who knows, maybe next week something will make me want to run away from Mtigwaki. It's hard to say.
Like, Liz
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