Good Choices
Well, I'll prolly B talkin' abt this convo w/dad fr. last Sunday 4 like another day after this 1, peeps, just so's U can plan. I'm pretty sure I'll have a new topic on Monday. & Sunday will B a big ol' non sequitur like usual.
NEway, after the "Ah-hah!" thing, Dad was all, "This is serious, honey. We've given U a lot of freedom. U have yr own computer & we trust U 2 use it 4 e-mail & school projects." 4 a second there, I thot he was gonna say "& not 4 that real blog of yrs", but he didn't. Phew! Instead, he was, like, "There R sum weird & twisted ppl out there, making terrible information possible." Hmm, U'd think he was all worried I'd find sites where ppl go every day 2 write abt how lame Pattersons R or sumthing, eh? He then sed, "I want 2 protect U from that!... But I can't" & I was all, "Dad--I can protect myself. I can choose 2 go wherever I want 2 go on the internet. & U taut me 2 make good choices." & Becks taut me that sumtymez it's a real good idea 2 use a lil flattery! He put his arm around my shoulder when I sed that. Parents luv 2 hear what good parents they R, U know? It's kinda weird how my dad's all concerned abt me & the net now, when I've been on for years--like what, did he just wake up fr. a long, long nap? Well, 2morrow I'll tell U what happed next. 4 sum reason, I can't remember rite now.
Becks! I wd think that yr getting those oldz 2 jack up the price on the teeny-tiny house were pretty funny if it didn't mean that my 'rents R prolly gonna buy it no matter what! Even if it meanz they've gotta use my uni-tuition $. Erg, now I've really gotta look in2 scholarships. As Dunc wd say, I'm so boned!
So after lotsa back & forth, I've decided Liz & I R gonna go ahead w/my seekrit plan 2 go C her in Mtig during March vacation. It looks like Shiimsa's not possessed, she'z just not that nice. Which surprises me cuz she seemed like a nice kitty when Lizzie had her here over the summer. Oh, well.
Apes
NEway, after the "Ah-hah!" thing, Dad was all, "This is serious, honey. We've given U a lot of freedom. U have yr own computer & we trust U 2 use it 4 e-mail & school projects." 4 a second there, I thot he was gonna say "& not 4 that real blog of yrs", but he didn't. Phew! Instead, he was, like, "There R sum weird & twisted ppl out there, making terrible information possible." Hmm, U'd think he was all worried I'd find sites where ppl go every day 2 write abt how lame Pattersons R or sumthing, eh? He then sed, "I want 2 protect U from that!... But I can't" & I was all, "Dad--I can protect myself. I can choose 2 go wherever I want 2 go on the internet. & U taut me 2 make good choices." & Becks taut me that sumtymez it's a real good idea 2 use a lil flattery! He put his arm around my shoulder when I sed that. Parents luv 2 hear what good parents they R, U know? It's kinda weird how my dad's all concerned abt me & the net now, when I've been on for years--like what, did he just wake up fr. a long, long nap? Well, 2morrow I'll tell U what happed next. 4 sum reason, I can't remember rite now.
Becks! I wd think that yr getting those oldz 2 jack up the price on the teeny-tiny house were pretty funny if it didn't mean that my 'rents R prolly gonna buy it no matter what! Even if it meanz they've gotta use my uni-tuition $. Erg, now I've really gotta look in2 scholarships. As Dunc wd say, I'm so boned!
So after lotsa back & forth, I've decided Liz & I R gonna go ahead w/my seekrit plan 2 go C her in Mtig during March vacation. It looks like Shiimsa's not possessed, she'z just not that nice. Which surprises me cuz she seemed like a nice kitty when Lizzie had her here over the summer. Oh, well.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:19 AM
28 Comments:
At 11:27 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i tried that line on my mom. i sed, “mom--i can protect myself. i can choose 2 go wherever i want 2 go on the internet. & u taut me 2 make good choices." my mom ‘bout busted a gut laffin’. she sed, “u? make gud choices? taut by me?” then a lot more laffin’. it wuz not wut i wunted 2 hear. i don’t think my mom iz fooled az ez az ur dad.
well, drivin’ her 2 her house last nite, my mom musta sed sumthin’ 2 avery cuz she iz not talkin’ 2 me 2day. & since eva wuz hangin’ ‘round me yestahday, she iz not talkin’ 2 eva either. eva figgers it’s safe 2 hang ‘round u & gigli & duncan again.
aftah rebeccah left last nite 2 go walk/ride her dog or wutevah, mom sed to me, “jeremy. i unnerstand now y it iz ur willin’ 2 accept this pre-bf stuff w/rebeccah.” i sed, “u do?” my mom sed, “if avery iz an xxample of the girlz @ur skool, rebeccah iz prolly 1 of the only half-decent choicez.” i sed, “so u like rebeccah now?” she sed, “she’z bettah than avery.” so, mebbe i won’t get ne more “rebeccah” lecturez frum my mom. that wud b gud.
At 11:37 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings today. It sounds like you and your sister have settled your problems. That is good. I am looking forward to meeting you next month.
I was also pleased to read you write such nice things about your father. You are very advanced for your age. I was much older than you before I could give my father a compliment like that. I remember well telling my father I could choose my own beer at The Beer Store, because he had taught me to make good choices. My father was so proud he had taught me something important. I am sure your father is proud too.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:43 AM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, becks cd prolly give u sum gd suggestionz of stuff 2 say 2 flatter yr mom. it sounded like becks had her figged out pretty well last nite @ dinner, eh?
oh, & eva sez she wants 2 go back 2 sittin' w/us @ lunch.
paul, yeah, i look 4ward 2 meeting u, 2.
apes
At 11:57 AM,
howard said…
April,
I did finally find the phone last night, but it was too late for Dr. McCauley to do anything but go to bed. This morning, he swore he was going to carry his cell phone in his pocket from now on. Krystle (Becky’s mother) was not happy to hear that.
At the salon, Marjee is going on and on about her date tonight with Art Nouveau, the 3rd of her men she met at the speed dating session. She’s lucky. I am still waiting to take the Tantric Celibacy with Yogi Noseks at the Sadhana Institute this Saturday. I hope I can get some relief there. Weight-lifting is not easing my tension as well as it used to. I think it is coming across because Sugar said to me, “I know it is tough for you to hear Marjee talking about her dates. Don’t worry, you’ll find a nice girl. I have a cousin that would be perfect for you.” I said, “Sugar. I am wearing a dress. I am gay.” Sugar said, “Nonsense. I used to believe that too when you started wearing the dress to work, but I saw the way you used to look at Marjee. Plus those shamp-Ohs. A gay man would lose interest, but not a straight man. My cousin is a sweet and very eligible. She is not some weird and twisted single woman, giving out the terrible information.” I said, “What terrible information?” Sugar said, “You know. Things like ‘Mortgage rates have never been lower.’ Or ‘Pick the celebrity that goes with these legs and you get a free gift certificate at a restaurant.’ Or ‘Your computer virus protection needs to be updated.’ Terrible information like that.” I said, “That doesn’t sound so terrible.” Sugar said, “Then you’ll get along fine with my cousin. I’ll call her. We have can have lunch together.” So now I am going to lunch with Sugar and her cousin. I will let you know how it goes.
Howard K.
At 12:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, wenevah i try 2 flatter my mom, she sez, "wut did u do now?" if u or rebeccah haz ne ideaz 'bout how i can flatter my mom w/o her thinkin' she'z b-ing flattered, that mite work.
i am glad eva iz sittin' w/u guyz 4 lunch. she wuz drivin' me crayzee w/that "i don't know if i can commit 2 chicken wraps or pizza. pizza iz v. inneresting 2day." @least she izn't on her cell phone all the tyme like b4.
At 12:12 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, dunc, eva, & i r sitting 2gether @ lunch rite now. jeremy & becks r standing w/their trays lookin' around like they don't know where they wanna sit. ger, dunc, eva, & 1 r motioning 2 them that they shd sit w/us.
apes
At 12:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
I'm really looking forward to tonight's date with Art Nouveau. He's taking me gallery hopping, and then we're going to see some avant-garde theatre. Should be fun. Then, of course, there will probably be indoor sports later, since all this celebacy talk is making me anxious!
Marjee
At 12:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, eva had her cell out & rebeccah wuz afraid she had reverted back 2 an a-girl. we finally got 2 sit once she put down the cell. now that i am a pre-bf, i hafta b respectful of my pre-gf's lunch room sittin' choicez.
gigli goes on & on 'bout how the table u choose 4 lunch hazta b near the jock table & far away frum the nerd table & az far away frum shannon lake az possible. he sed lunch table choice iz v.v. important accordin' 2 sum swirlie prevention material he haz been readin'. normally, i wud say he iz whacked, but he haz had so many swirlies, it actually makes sense. it's strange i am ritin' this 'bout gigli.
At 5:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
April--
Our first niceness lesson with Jesse starts tonight. Shiimsa seems excited about it. She didn't want to do it at first, but then I explained that training would involve rewards with fish treats. Now she is all eager to learn to be nice.
I asked Shiimsa if she was ready to choose a singular name that was a little less hostile and aggressive than "Angra Mainyu." She said she would think about it, and she is open to suggestions.
We are also arranging a playdate for Shiimsa with Auntie Marg's cat Whiskers, aka Satan. I guess Whiskers has really improved with Jesse's niceness training, so we want Shiimsa to meet a success story.
I am so excited for your visit! I told Shiimsa that while you were here, she would sleep in my bedroom and we would close the door. That way, you can sleep on the chesterfield and feel safe. I understand why the things Shiimsa has said would make you nervous. Just remember, I have spent a lot of time with her, and except for shredding Paul's...private area that one time, she has never hurt anyone seriously.
Liz
At 5:44 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, when u were in hospital, candace told me i'm not allowed 2 discuss marriage or pre-engagement @ all, 'else i'll receive a mild electric shockkkkkkkkk zzzzzzzzzz owwwwwwwwwwww
At 5:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
April--
I just received a frantic phone call from Gerald Forsythe. He pointed out to me that he only has a few short years to find a mate before he dies young. I agree that this is an important issue for him, so I have disabled the shock device. However, I have enabled the shock device in Gerald. When he becomes too agitated about the issue of marriage and commitment, he will receive a shock to remind him to chill out.
Please feel free to discuss commitment with him in a moderate manner. Also, I have found that providing a man with a sexual release often helps calm them down.
Sincerely yours, Candace Halloran
At 5:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
Okay, so, what does a locket mean anyway?
Trying to remain calm yet devoted, Gerald
At 6:31 PM,
April Patterson said…
super-xclusive v. v. devoted bf/gf thinking abt the possibility of future commitment in a moderate non-shocky manner?
apes
At 6:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
I am trying to moderate my panic over this issue. But I know what this means! You keep saying you want to move away from Milborough! Now I know why! You don't want to marry me! You plan to dump me after grad and marry some non-Milborough boy who won't age rapidly and I'll be left old and alone in that big house across the street from my parents, living with my brother and wanking to Mike's Star Trek pornnnnnnZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz
At 6:52 PM,
howard said…
April,
Ah behavioural shock devices. That takes me back.
It could be a quiet evening at home right now, except Dr. McCauley did not come home for dinner and Krystle (Becky's mom) is calling around trying to find him without attracting too much attention. She wanted me to page Dr. McCauley and say I (Belfrieda Batsize / mom) was having a heart attack, but I told Krystle, that as a doctor, he would figure that one out.
Howard K.
At 7:00 PM,
April Patterson said…
whoa, ger, chill pill! i don't mean ne of that, i don't know where u r getting these ideas. actually, i'm the 1 who's afraid u r going 2 dump me. u're this adonis-looking hockey/basketball-playing stud & i'm a mousy guitar girl who belongz 2 yrbook. i'm afraid u'll trade up.
apes
At 8:43 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
Oh my darling beloved, do not worry about me leaving you! I could never "trade up" from you because, in my book, you're tops! You're the keenest girl in school! Here, I will demonstrate to you:
1. Popular girls. The A girls are in this category. They scare me. Also, I heard Drew Fontaine say in the locker room that because of their bulimia, kissing them tastes like barf. Also, they are so skinny that most of them don't even have boobies. And I like boobies.
2. Goth girls. The Z girls are in this category. They scare me. They are always talking about blood and death and sadness and depression and dying and creepy stuff and ghosts and dying. Also, they wear black lipstick. I don't want to kiss a girl with black lipstick.
3. Jock girls. These girls usually have K names. They scare me. They are rough and tough and act just like boys. Lots of times they have more muscles than me. I armwrestled Kara and Kylie and Kristin one time, and all of them beat me. I had a sore wrist for a week. Drew Fontaine says he went out with a K girl and she beat him up when he tried to touch her boob. I like to touch boobs.
4. Nerd girls. They usually have L names like Liane and Laura and Linda and Lisa and Leah. They scare me. Louise Linley sits next to me in biology and she is always making fun of me. When I got a D- on the fetal pig test because I misidentified the duodenum as the jejunum and the ilium as the rectum and the cecum as the colon and the rectum as the anus and the common bile duct as a ureter and the...well, you get the idea. Anyway, Louise called me "idiot boy."
5. Average normal girls. They are Sara, Amy, Jennifer, Michelle, and other common names. I think they are boring.
6. Becky. I think she belongs in a group all by herself because she is the only famous girl in school. She is pretty great because she is pretty and talented and smart and has a great house and lots of cool gear and her dad is my friend. But she scares me. She is sometimes mean to me. And I have seen her laugh when I have an unfortunate accident. And I am pretty sure that she would never, ever let me touch her boobs.
7. Band geeks. I think maybe you fit into this group, even though I would not call you a geek. These are the kind of girls I feel comfortable with. We have a lot in common (music) and usually they are easy to talk to. However, there are not many pretty girls in this group. You are the prettiest of all the band geeks by far. Also, you are the nicest. Some of the band girls are too shy.
See?
Love, Gerald
At 8:56 PM,
April Patterson said…
aw, ger, that post makes me feel so much better. hey, how 'bout i tell my 'rents we hafta study history 2gether 2morrow afternoon, & insteada studying we can, like, make out a lot?
btw, i thot u played hockey sooper-well this afternoon, even tho r u unglaublich dumm secondary kicked our butts 7-2.
apes
At 9:04 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes! Sorry I havent posted l8ly Ive bn watching the olympics canada got 2 medals 2day in skeleton go Canada go!
I c my lawyer next week my mom wants 2 go w/ me 2 the appt. I havent said nething 2 her abt redd hott bajan mama I dunno what 2 do but I think if she owns a resto I shld get free food fr it.
I havent herd fr Kimmi yet I hope she got her poem ok it was so cube. Howies poem 2 the sister was cube 2.
L8r. Want 2 watch the skeleton replay.
p.s. Eva I owe u a dbl dbl in a noncommitl way. 1 pm Horny T on Sunday? MCDunC
At 9:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
Duncan, I will see you, noncommitally, at 1 Sunday afternoon.
Eva
At 9:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
You are very nice to compliment my hockey. I am still not playing as well as I used to. Also, Coach is mad about that call for high-sticking. But still I am improving.
I think studying for biology would be better. Mr. Organelle is right--I have a C in biology. Dad says I will never get into the best psychoanalysis institutes with grades like that.
Love, Gerald
At 9:23 PM,
April Patterson said…
ok, let's study bio & we can use that kissing study technique, eh?
apes
At 11:38 PM,
Anonymous said…
April--
Jesse and Shiimsa and I had our first niceness lesson tonight. It was very interesting because Jesse is almost as in tune with Shiimsa's thoughts as I am! That makes it nice because we both know what Shiimsa is thinking and we don't have to translate. This is how our session went.
Jesse: For our first lesson, we will teach Shiimsa how to act when meeting new people.
Liz: That's a good idea. My sister April is coming for a visit, and even though she's met Shiimsa before, she's afraid of her.
Jesse: Shiimsa, what do you say when you a greeting a visitor to your home?
Shiimsa: ANGRA MAINYU SAYS, "WELCOME TO HELL!!!"
Liz: Shiimsa!
Shiimsa: (laughs)
Jesse: That's not very funny. You can't get a fish treat for acting like that.
Shiimsa: SO WHAT SHOULD I SAY, FREAK B--I MEAN, TEACH--?
Jesse: You should greet a person how you would want to be greeted.
Shiimsa: OH. UMM..."HI! COME ON IN! CURL UP IN MY FAVORITE SPOT ON THE COUCH AND I'LL BRING YOU SOME TUNA AND MILK!"
Jesse: That's good! (gives Shiimsa a treat)
Liz: Uhh...I don't think my guests are going to want to sit on the end of the sofa with cat hair all over it, eating tuna and milk.
Jesse: We are trying to teach Shiimsa to be nice. People won't hear her thoughts. They will only see her nice demeanor.
Liz: So why not teach her to just look and act nice? Why does she have to learn to think nice thoughts?
Jesse: Because being nice has to come naturally to her for it to seem genuine.
Liz: Oh. I guess I'm confused.
Jesse: That's okay. Next question. Shiimsa, what do you do to entertain a guest in your home?
Shiimsa: ANGRA MAINYU SHREDS THEIR CLOTHES AND PISSES IN THEIR SUITCASE!
Jesse: Now, you know that's not right.
Shiimsa: BUT IT'S FUNNY!
Jesse: People will not appreciate your sense of humor.
Shiimsa: I HAVE NOTICED THAT.
Liz: My sister April is a little sensitive.
Jesse: So, Shiimsa, how do you think April would like you to entertain her?
Shiimsa: I GUESS WE COULD PLAY FETCH WITH MY CATNIP MOUSE.
Jesse: That's great. (gives treat)
Liz: There's nothing cuter than watching a cat play fetch!
Shiimsa: I MEANT, YOUR SISTER COULD FETCH THE MOUSE WHILE I LAUGH MY FURRY BUTT OFF.
Jesse: Shiimsa...
Shiimsa: KIDDING! JUST KIDDING! SHEESH. WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME?
Jesse: I can tell this is going to take many, many lessons.
Liz
At 1:24 AM,
Anonymous said…
gerald, i dunno how 2 break this 2u w/ur rankingz of the girlz n skool, howevah, april confessed n her monthly lettah she wished she had the guts 2 get a crayzee haircut, paint her fingernailz black, & pierce her face. u might wanna reconsider wut u think of the goth z-girlz.
At 1:35 AM,
howard said…
April,
Decorating. We have been decorating. Krystle (Becky’s mom) could not find Dr. McCauley and so we have been decorating all freaking evening. The only time we stop decorating is when Becky would read some post on your blog and then touch her boobs. I said to Becky, “Why are you doing that?” Becky said, “Doing what?” I said, “Touching your boobs.” Becky said, “I wasn’t touching my boobs.” I said, “Yes you were.” Becky said, “No I wasn’t.” Krystle said, “Girls. Girls. No fighting. We have to finish decorating before Ted gets back.”
Antique lace. Antique bricks. Antique furniture. Little antique doilies all over the place. It looks like she is decorating the place like an old woman would. I suppose I shouldn’t complain, since Krystle’s tastes usually run toward 1970s eclectic. Nevertheless it is an odd change, and I don’t have any idea why she is doing it. Becky is dumbfounded also.
So, if you need me, I expect to be up all night decorating. I know from prior experience that Dr. McCauley does not return from his evenings out until early in the morning.
Howard K.
At 1:41 AM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Kaa-mesnin gwanaaj oshki-ikwe! (I miss you, beautiful one)!
I read your writings. I am happy my sweet girl and Jesse Mukwa are training Shiimsa. I am especially happy to read Shiimsa may not be shredding clothing and pissing in suitcases. That was probably the best thing I have read in awhile. It will be nice to visit you and not have to go to a clothing store after the visit. My partner has made many jokes about how I am dressing nicer since I have been dating you.
Gawaabmin miinwa (Hope to see you again soon)
Constable Paul Wright
At 3:26 AM,
Anonymous said…
Oh Paul! I had no idea Shiimsa was using your suitcase for a litterbox! Why didn't you tell me?
Liz
At 3:27 AM,
Anonymous said…
What I mean is, umm, you must be mistaken. Your suitcase has never been at my house. You keep it over at your Mtigwaki relatives' house. Because you have never been naked inside my house. Nope, never.
Liz
Post a Comment
<< Home