April's Real Blog

Monday, February 20, 2006

Shiimsa Humour

When I checked my e-mail this morning, there was a message fr. Liz. It was abt a lil joke Shiimsa played on her recently when Liz came home w/a load of groceriez. Liz had a big box w/grocery bagz in it, & she hadta struggle 2 get the door open & closed behind her. She wrote, "The worst thing was I had this awful feeling that I looked exactly like Mom when I was coming in. Why do I wear a bun when I'm off-duty?" NEway, as Liz was kicking off her boots & heading 2 the kitchen, Shiimsa grabbed ahold of the bottom of Liz's coat &, like, climbed up Liz way up on2 her head. Liz sez that Shiims was thinking "YOU'D BETTER HAVE TUNA FISH YOU LAME HUMAN, ANGRA MAINYU NEEDS TUNA FISH!" Liz was all, "April, you know how much I enjoy Shiimsa's sense of humour (unlike you), but not when I'm hauling a big box of food in from the cold, I don't! So I thought, 'the next animal I live with will not be able to climb'. Which is unfortunate, since, as you know, Shiims and I have a telepathic connection now. And she was thinking, 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE NEXT ANIMAL YOU LIVE WITH? ARE YOU PLANNING TO DUMP ME FOR THAT MOUNTIE-ANIMAL, PAUL?' It took me a while to convince her I didn't mean anything by it other than 'please don't climb on me like that'. But, really, April, don't be alarmed. those niceness lessons really are paying off." I guess I'll take Liz's word on this one.

Sorry I didn't post much yesterday, peeps! When I got back fr. Horny T's, I discovered that Mom & Dad had invited Connie Poirier, Greg Thomas, and the Nicholses 2 watch the Olympics. What Mom & Dad didn't realize was that Connie, Greg, Anne, & Steve had come prepared with "John and Elly Bingo" cards with stuff like "menopause", "trains", "hot flashes", "the box" [computer], "arm flapping", & "what's my associate's name". They checked off their cards when Mom & Dad weren't lookin'.

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 7:23 AM  

24 Comments:

  • At 11:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings today about your sister. Your comment about your sister’s bun was interesting. You considered her hair bun not to be right when she is off-duty. By “off-duty”, I suppose you mean when she is teaching or calling Bingo. I think your expectation of your sister’s hair may need to change. I don’t think I have seen your sister, when she was not wearing a bun, unless you count the times when Shiimsa climbs on her head and plays with her hair clip. Shiimsa is a good climber. The experience can be very painful, unless you are wearing a heavy coat. I recommend wearing a heavy coat when you are around Shiimsa.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 11:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, no pets @my house, so i can’t rel8 2 wut ur sis iz going thru. i bet aftah u read ur sis’ stuff, ur glad u have dogz & a bunny—nice nonclimbin’ animals.

    rebeccah haz not been getting’ ne gigz frum her manager dad, so she iz writin’ sum songz 4 the skool talent show n march. i may needta do sum audio board work 4 sum othah peeps 2 make sum d8 money. if u know of ne1 needin’ sound work, lemme know. goin’ 2c pride & prejudice yestahday ended up b-ing a gud thing. i kinda 4got the jane austen book report wuz due 2day, & so i wuz able 2 finish it up frum rememberin’ the movie. i hope the movie wuzn’t 2 diffrent from the book.

     

  • At 11:27 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    paul, the comment about liz's bun was actually her own comment, not mine. i think she'z worried that she'z already turning in2 our mom, & not even our mom @ age 24 (cuz mom didn't wear a bun when she was a young woman), but, like middle-aged mom.

    jeremy, i haven't c'n the l8est pride & prejudice movie, so i don't know if its v. diff fr. the book.

    apes

     

  • At 11:59 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Just the thought of an animal climbing on me, takes me back to Thorvald’s (Becky’s dad) wedding and those electrified rodents climbing on me over and over. Brr!

    At work, Marjee Mahaha has been receiving gifts from her 4 men, who are all apparently madly in love with her.

    Hamidou M'Baye sent her something he made from Senegalese wool. I am not sure what it is.
    Beau Dacious send her some naughty underwear.
    Art Nouveau sent her a painting he had done of her. Marjee had to tell me that was what it was, because I would not have known otherwise.
    Ben Zedrine dashed in, gave her some flowers and dashed out.

    Sugar said to me, “Howard. You will lose Marjee, unless you offer something too.” I said, “Marjee and I do not have that kind of relationship. I am gay. I wear a dress.” Sugar said, “Nonsense. She keeps looking at you expecting a gift from you too. I can tell. She has the appearance of a cat crawling up someone’s body seeking for a special treat.” I said, “A what?” Sugar said, “You are obviously not a cat person.” I said, “Definitely not. I think it is fairly safe to say that I am a dog person.” Sugar said, “Then she is like a dog watching as you eat dinner waiting for you to drop something. Look at her puppy eyes, Howard. How can you disappoint her?” I said, “Sugar, if I get Marjee something, will you leave me alone?” Sugar said, “You have to understand Howard. Hair stylists are temperamental. If you get a good stylist, you need to do what it takes to keep them happy.” I said, “OK, Sugar. You win. I will buy Marjee something over lunch.” Sugar said, “No, you must make it yourself. It has to be something that could come from you and you alone.” I said, “OK.” So, I made Marjee an to look like her. The things you have to do in the hair business.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 12:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i already turned n the book report. so i will have 2 hope the movie & the book r close. i dunno wut it iz w/this english teach. that stuff she gave us 2day iz way 2 much. i didn't like english much b4, but she iz takin' wut little i had of that like away. i can't b-lieve this iz due next week. did u get this same title 4 a research paper--"100 wayz the internet can cause u2 lose ur innocence"?

     

  • At 12:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your response to my writing. I see your sister was the one who made the comment about her own bun. I will have to read your writings more carefully.

    I have been trying to convince your sister to style her hair in the traditional Ojibway fashion of 2 long braids, but she seems to like her own bun tradition. I suspect Shiimsa would think of long braids as a climbing rope or a play toy. Your sister may be right to keep her hair out of Shiimsa’s reach, or at least Shiimsa’s easy reach.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 12:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, yeah, i have the same assignment. yuk. i guess i mite use that article about MySpace, eh?

    paul, no prob abt mistaking liz's comment 4 1 of mine. liz told me she started wearing her hair up in a bun like that when she started student teaching during university. since she was, like, young-looking, she felt it made her look more mature & more, like, authoritative. but now she sez it's b-coming a habit or sumthing.

    apes

     

  • At 12:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Howard is such a good friend! He suprised me with the cutest little origami doll. I wasn't expecting him to give me anything, but I guess I was looking at him a lot as I was thinking about the guys I had dates with. I'm trying to decide which guy I like best, and it's so hard!

    Marjee

     

  • At 1:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, thass a gud article. thanx. i think i got about 5 ways 2 lose innocence frum that. i just have 95 left 2 go.

     

  • At 3:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear April, Paul, and others,

    As April has told you, I have had a serious set-back with Shiimsa. When she climbed up my coat, I was so annoyed and confused. I thought, "Oh my gosh, you little pest! Get away from me when I'm in a bad mood! What kind of little freak does that?"

    Then Shiimsa got upset because she heard me thinking the thing about how the next animal I had wouldn't be able to climb (meaning a dog). All the work Paul did at getting Shiimsa to accept him went right out the window. She started calling him "that Mountie animal" and threatening to shred his vital manly organs again.

    I called Viv and told her we were having another cat emergency. When I told her what it was, she said, "I'll be over right away." And she came over to my house carrying a copy of Even More About Cats for Total Morons Like You.

    Viv seemed very annoyed. I said, "Yes, this is one of the top three most annoying things Shiimsa has ever done!" But Viv was annoyed with ME! She said, "Liz, you still don't get the essential nature of catness. I was surprised when you were doing so well after reading the first volume, and I thought maybe having written a sequel was a waste of time, but I can see I was wrong." She threw the book on the sofa. "Read this immediately."

    I was very disheartened. "Viv, that will take me weeks, even if I go at it full-time!"

    Viv sighed and said, "Look. In a nutshell, cats climb. It's in their nature. They do not understand why people might not want them to. They can't understand it. It's hard-wired. If you want to be a cat owner, you must accept it, and the other essential characteristics of cats. Even come to love it. Otherwise, you will never be a cat person."

    I was confused, but I said, "Oh."

    Then Viv said, "By the way, Gary and I saw you coming in the house with your groceries. It would be a lot easier to come in the door if you put the bag down before unlocking the door."

    "Oh!" I said. "Why didn't I think of that?"

    "I'm sure there's a good reason," Viv said, and she kind of rolled her eyes, I think to tell me she saw the humor of the situation.

    I have tried to talk to Shiimsa, but she is still very angry. She keeps calling herself ANGRA MAINYU in the third person everytime we try to talk. And she is still threatening to do horrible things to Paul, "the usurper," as Shiimsa is calling him.

    Oh, I am so confused about what to do!

    Liz

     

  • At 4:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, thoze flyerz. i am rilly sorry thoze flyerz were passed out n skool. how ru doin’? u looked pretty upset, wen u 1st saw the flyerz. 4 thoze of u readin’ this who don’t know, the flyerz sed:

    send us your: photos, recipes, drawing, and other fun stuff and they’ll show up on…april’s blog.

    then there wuz a pic of april’z mom typin’ on her blog on the flyer.

    if there iz nething i can do, just lemme know.

     

  • At 4:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Elizabeth,

    Kaa-mesnin gwanaaj oshki-ikwe! (I miss you, beautiful one)!

    Thanks for calling about Shiimsa. I know sounded a little sleepy, since this is my time of day to sleep before I have to go to work. Whatever is important to you is important to me.

    I am writing to you here also, so your sister will know it does not matter to me if Shiimsa is angry with me. I know when I come to visit my sweet girl in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), I will pay the price in cat scratches, shredded clothing and personal items soaked in cat urine. Elizabeth, there is something about you, a mayagendaagozihe or an allure of some kind. All I know is whatever happens, it is worth it, if I can be with you. When I am with you I don’t care if you are unable to tell me you love me, or take helicopter rides with your old boyfriend, or cancel out of meeting my parents at the last minute, or decide we are going to be celibate in order to satisfy your cat, or talk about traveling to Europe and going to teach English in Japan whenever I bring up our future together. I have fallen in love with you and that’s all that matters.

    Be sure to tell Shiimsa I will be bringing a cat treat for my favourite kitty the next time I come to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). It is extra special, but she will not get it if she climbs my body and tries to scratch out my eyes.

    I am not sure when my next visit will be. My schedule is uncertain. I think it will be soon. I am checking every day to see when it will be. I know I saw you over Valentine’s Day, but it feels like I haven’t seen you since December.

    Gawaabmin miinwa (Hope to see you again soon)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 5:19 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, don't worry abt the flyers. my mom decided, w/all the talk betw dad & her abt my internet usage, that she wants 2 "b involved" with "that blog of [mine]" (meaning the fake blog, of course). just alwayz remember if my mom or dad sez nething abt "april's blog", they r talking abt the fakie, not this 1. i actually think the flyerz r lol-funny!

    liz, it's cube that viv is so knowledgeable abt cats. & paul, i hope u can get thingz all worked out ok w/liz & shiimsa.

    apes

     

  • At 5:51 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I am impressed at the brave face you are putting on about those flyers put out at your school. Let me echo Jeremy’s sentiments that if you need someone to talk to, I will be glad to listen. I know all about what it is like to have parents humiliate you in public. Of course with my parents, it was not something as benign as a Fake Blog that was actually being done by your mother (or actually Stephanie, who does the web work for your mom). My parents did make me wear a scarlet “G” when they first discovered my orientation, which was pretty embarrassing. I used to tell people it was because my parents really wanted to name me “George.”

    We had a interesting visitor at the hair salon today. It was a young lady named Carleen Stein, whom I think you know. She knows you at least.

    I was giving her a shamp-Oh and I said to her, “So, how do you know April?” Carleen said, “We have not really met. I am living with Josef Weeder, April’s brother’s best friend. I have seen April in passing whenever there was an occasion for her to come visit with her brother at their apartment which (as you know) is next to ours, and I have written things to her Real Blog, not that fake Blog her mother is always talking about.”

    I said, “Well how are things going?” Carleen said, “It couldn’t be better. That’s not completely true. Josef has a large binder full of photos for a coffee table book, but he really wants Mike Patterson to collaborate on it. I tell Josef he should go with a different (and by different I mean better) writer than Mike, but he doesn’t want to talk about that. Josef usually does what I tell him to do, but when it comes to Mike, he loses control of common sense. They did a coffee table book before of accomplished Canadians, and Josef’s pictures were so good, they offset Mike’s short biographies he wrote in the book. Fortunately most people took Mike’s writing as satire. For example, I don’t think anyone took real offence at the idea Margaret Trudeau was married to Gary Trudeau and not Pierre.” I said, “I will have to pick up a copy of that coffee table book. It sounds pretty funny.” Carleen said, “It is, if you look at it in the proper light, i.e. not historically accurate.”

    I said, “What does Mike’s wife think about the idea?” Carleen said, “Oh, she praises her husband, as she believes a good wife should. She says things like, ‘They're a hot team! Together they've produced some wonderful things.’ Privately, it ticks her off. I take a yoga class with her on Thursdays. When we started, Deanna told Mike that the children and the housework are all his on Thursday evenings. The first time we did yoga, she came home and found her son beating on pots and pans in the kitchen, her daughter playing with baby toys in the crib, and her husband upstairs in the attic writing and oblivious to it all. Our landlord, Lovey Saltzmann agreed to make sure Mike remembered his children on Thursdays.” I said, “I’m glad you still get to do yoga.” Carleen said, “Yes. Deanna really needed the time out. She wears a surgical mask when we are doing it, but I think I and the other people in the class might be able to talk her into not wearing it soon.” I said, “A surgical mask. That reminds me of a pharmacy I went to recently.” Carleen said, “I know the one.”

    I said, “So, anything else going strangely?” Carleen said, “No. Josef’s career has taken off, as I knew it would once I went from assistant to girlfriend. I hired two other photographers to work with him. I handle all his contracts, so it was easy to shift him to doing mostly advertising photographs for publications now and hardly any fashion photography. That keeps him away from fashion models. I make sure his work is copyrighted, and I have been working on his relationship with his parents. They haven’t visited his apartment, but they have visited his studio once. That’s a big improvement.” I said, “It sounds like things are going well.” Carleen said, “Yes. They are. OK. That’s a great spot. Stay right there. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yeeesss!!!!”

    After she recovered, Carleen said, “Are you engaged?” I said, “No. Why do you ask?” Carleen said, “Deanna has a friend, Maxine Hébert, she is always trying to match make, since she was so successful with me and Josef.” I said, “I am gay and I am wearing a dress.” Carleen said, “But the lady at the front said you were in desperate need of a nice girl. Your previous girlfriend was dating around in front of you and you needed to see someone too in order to save face.” I said, “Sugar has her own view of the world and for some reason sees me as being straight.” Carleen said, “Oh I am terribly sorry.” I said, “For what?” Carleen said, “I already gave Sugar, Maxine’s number. I think you may get a call.” I said, “Don’t worry about it. If Maxine calls, I can handle it.”

    That was the afternoon. Hopefully you will find my story interesting and it will take your mind off other things.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 5:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i'm glad ur feelin' bettah. i don't do 2 well 'round cryin' girlz. i'm w8in' 4 rebeccah 2 get off work @krystle's kakes & pies so mebbe we can study 2gethah. she told me once sumtymez her mom makes her work there till they close, if her mom iz n a bad mood. she'z usually home by now, so i am gettin' the feelin' this may b1 of thoze nites.

     

  • At 7:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I thought I would come by here and tell you how excited I was when I heard that mom was advertising your Blog again. It is good to know that I am not the only creative one in the family. Of course, I read those horrible things that this guy Howard said Carleen Stein said about me. They are total lies and calumny of the worst sort and I must address them forthwith.

    I love my children and I look forward to the Thursday evenings when I am forced to come out of the attic to spend time with my children.

    I watch my daughter Meredith and I remember what it was like to be cold and wet, to have a pair of icy snow pants chafing on my legs. I remember being put into a hot bath, clean pyjamas (Or is that pajamas? I can’t remember.) and snuggling by the fireplace with my sister. Of course those were the days before my sister had developed so our bathing together and snuggling were natural and perfectly acceptable and not perverted in the slightest, just like when Meredith and Robin snuggle together.

    I love to watch Meredith and Robin exploring things. With each new discovery, new experience - I see myself at that age and I feel their hurt or exhilaration almost as keenly as they do. I love it when they learn a new skill or a new way to use the language. When Meredith hits Robin over the head with a frying pan and says, “Merde!” I can feel Robin’s pain, but I know that Meredith has learned a new skill that will be important to her later in life. When Robin throws his head back and shrieks at the top of his little lungs with his little tongue sticking out, I am so proud he has discovered his family heritage.

    Thursdays are a great day. It was because of these Thursdays, I realized that I was happy with everything. I'm happy with my wife, my children and even my job. Most of all, I'm content being me. It just doesn’t get any better than this. The only thing that is bad about Thursdays is yoga. When Dee gets home on Thursdays from yoga, she is in such a bad mood. I am not sure yoga is very good for her.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 7:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, jeremy, sum peeps @ school asked me abt the flyerz & i told them abt the fake blog & suggested they send really "ugly" fotoz, 2 kind that wd make my mom wanna get her brain, like, dry-cleaned. i think that wd make her think twice abt b-ing all "involved" w/my so-called blog, eh?

    we have a copy of the coffee-table book that carleen told u abt, howard. it's true that it's full of unintentional humour. like it sez lorne michaels is, like, the mayor of new york city, but only on saturday nites. i'd b glad 2 lend it 2 u if u wanna laff.

    apes

     

  • At 7:30 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    I feel 4 u, Apes, remember when my mom gave the plantain talk @ skool that was so uncube.

    NEway I had 2 go c my lawyer w/ my mom 2day she asked alot of questions an' my lawyer gave her this an' this an' this an' my mom said we wld call him l8r. So my mom an' I had a dbl dbl @ Horny T an' read the comix an' then my mom said no way u r pleading guilty an' no way u r paying 4 yr lawyer Ill speak 2 yr dad abt this. So she called my dad an' yelled @ him on the fone an' then she told me 2 call my lawyer an' make us another appt 4 2morrow so I did.

    I wanted 2 ask her where she goes on the internet but I didnt want 2 mess up when shed just told me I didnt hafta pay 4 my lawyer NEmore.

    I feel bummed dunno y. L8r.

     

  • At 7:32 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, mom's not "advertising" on this blog, she's "advertising" on the fake blog. pls feel free 2 hang out there, i m sure u will think it's wonderful.

    apes

     

  • At 7:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, that's sum heavy stuff abt youth recordz! it's cube that yr mom is standing up 2 yr dad & not making u pay the lawyer billz. this trub u got in2 was so not yr fault!!!

    apes

     

  • At 7:54 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Duncan,

    I completely understand your legal problems. My court case on my assault charges just seems to sit in limbo as if the legal system is not paying any attention to it whatsoever. It's good it's being ignored, because I get to keep my freedom, but I am afraid some day someone will pay attention to it again.

    April,

    I would love to borrow the coffee table book. It could be good for a few laughs. Krystle (Becky's mom) got mad at Becky about something and she has to work the full evening shift at Krystle's Kakes & Pies with her mother. It's lonely here at Becky's Bungalow. Jeremy's called a few times and asked questions about how you can lose your innocence on the internet. He said he needed 95 ways. After talking to me, I think he has found more than 95 ways and he may have actually lost his innocence.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 9:45 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    btw, when i got 2 my house 2day after school, connie was out front & she motioned me over. when i did, she sed she had sumthing amusing 2 show me in her house. so we went in, & she had all the bingo cards fr. last nite when she, greg, & the nicholses were playin' "john & elly" bingo. b-sidez what i already mentioned, sum of the other boxes had: "pastry", "stewpid", "v. tite bun", "workshop", "snowplow", "bushwacker", "crevasse", "martian", "retirement", "warm weather vacation", & "our son the genius". lol!

    apes

     

  • At 12:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Elizabeth,

    Good news! I found out that I have some time off to visit with you. Actually several days worth of time lasting at least through Saturday, possibly longer, and starting tomorrow. I plan to bring in some art supplies that you said you needed, if you have the time to spend with me. I hope you do. Please don’t clean up for me or make any special effort.

    I will see you tomorrow,
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 8:58 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh, man. Worst nite of my life. My 'rents started fiting aft they thot I was asleep. I was asleep but they were yelling so much they woke me up. I snuck down 2 the rec room so I wldnt hafta hear it. They were going on abt my court case an' redd hott bajan mama an' my aunty Perdita an' mayB the goats 2. I didnt want 2 listen but I cldnt stop my ears fr hearing. Falstaff an' Faustus came down 2 the rec room 2 they dont like loud noises. Faustus h8s me since I tried 2 train him 2 b a circus cat but it was cold so I laid on the couch an' the cats piled on2 me 2 keep warm. I guess my 'rents stopped fiting or sumthing 'cos I fell asleep an' when I woke up this am sum1 had covered me w/ the duvet fr my bed.

    My head an' my stomach hurt mayB Im getting sick. Im not going 2 skool 2day I dont want 2 c NE1 an' I hafta leave early NEway 4 my lawyers appt.

    I need 2 sleep. L8r.

     

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