April's Real Blog

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

"Some1" watching over them

More from Liz. Paul told her he requested a transfer 2 Spruce Narrowz 2 B closer 2 her. Sed Spruce Narrows is just an hour away fr. Mtig. Has it alwayz been an hour away, or has it gotten closer, like how Mboro got closer 2 Toronto? NEway, abt the poss transfer, Paul was saying they'd B able 2 C ea other all the time if he got it, & Liz was all, "That wd B amazing." Then Paul, like, hoisted her in2 the air & sed how if Mom had'nt left her glasses in his office, they nevr wda met. & Liz sed that they nevr wda met if she hadn't come up north 2 teach. She told me she wanted 2 deflect attn fr. the whole "Mom" angle. Paul was, like, "Some1 is watching over us, Elizabeth!" Just then, Liz noticed Jesse & 1 of his friends spying in the window, & she got down & told Paul, "....I'll close the drapes."

So, Dunc, w/yr court d8 coming up & needing xtracurricularz? Wd it count if U told him abt 4Evah? MayB U cd, like, say we're on "hiatus" insteada, like, broken up? Ger sez he'd totally back us up on that story. BTW, we both R willing 2 testify & say U R all, like, honest & good & stuff.

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 8:22 AM  

23 Comments:

  • At 9:19 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes! My lawyer doesnt think its cube 2 tell the judge abt 4Evah sumthin 2 do w/ the judge an' Mr or Mrs McGuire I wasnt rilly listening. Ill try 2 get the deets fr my mom.

    I wanted 2 get 2 skool erly 2 check out the drama club but Blogger 8 my post an' now Im l8 4 skool. Again.

    L8r.

     

  • At 9:33 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    st00pid blogger! dunc, i noticed sum flyerz fr. drama club saying they r lookin' 4 new memberz, so i think this is a good time 2 join.

    apes

     

  • At 9:45 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    trying 2 get the comments 2 advance.

     

  • At 11:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Isn't it just amazing that Paul was willing to request a transfer to Spruce Narrows? I'm just amazed!

    Jesse claims he and his friend were only looking through the window to check in on Shiimsa's "niceness training" progress. I like to think that's true, but I have some doubts. I'm sure that's because I'm not a noble native, though, and just one more thing I need to work on.

    Paul tells me he's going to post when he has a chance. I have my students doing group work, which is a great time for me to do a quick post!

    Liz

     

  • At 11:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    duncan, i guess ur lawyer & the judge r pushing drama club 4 sum reazn. mebbe april'z mom iz involved sumhow. i seem 2 remembah april sayin' sumthin' 'bout how wen she retired she wunted 2 do more w/drama. of course i didn't think it wuz high school drama, but who knowz. do u know nething 'bout it april?

     

  • At 12:06 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I am surprised you are not more concerned about your sister’s welfare with this constable. He is moving way too fast, and I think something may be wrong with him. Making a career move to live closer to your sister is a pretty significant change in his life. As near as I can tell, your sister has just started dating him and does not know that much about him, nor has she met his family. Frankly, it would make a little nervous. What happens if your sister breaks up with him, after he has made this accommodation for their relationship? Then she would be faced with the prospect that the police for her town is a man who sacrificed his career for her only to be dumped. Are he and your sister engaged and not telling you about it?

    Howard K.

     

  • At 12:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Howard, thank you for your concern, but Paul and I are handling our relationship in our own way, at our own pace. I can assure you and April there's nothing to worry about.

    Liz

     

  • At 12:54 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i don't know nething abt my mom b-ing involved w/hs drama, but w/my mom, u never know.

    howard, i guess if liz isn't worried, i won't worry, either?

    apes

     

  • At 1:20 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings today about your sister. Your sister does tell you everything, doesn’t she? As she told you, I have requested a transfer to the Ontario Provincial Police detachment in Spruce Narrows, which is a small lumber town 60 miles away from Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). That is about an hour away if you drive a police car and don’t have to worry about speed limits. The road between the two towns is unpaved and bumpy and sometimes you have to travel it by snow machine. That takes longer.

    Spruce Narrows is bigger than Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). It has an A&P, a hardware store, a Giant Tiger, a hotel, a school system including the high school for people living in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), a medical center, a small airstrip and a bar called The Grizzly. I was surprised to find a detachment of the OPP there; because those are usually located near a major highway and a larger town. However, the other day, Phil Goulais of Goulais Grocery in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) mentioned it to me. I was telling him of my possible future with your sister and how the closest detachment to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) was in Nipigon. Phil, who wears an ugly black toupee, said to me, “Paul. There’s a detachment in Spruce Narrows. You could apply for a transfer there.” I said, “I’ve never seen it.” Phil said, “Well it’s small. I know in Otter County it’s hard to get people to agree to do police work in that remote an area, but in Spruce Narrows it’s even worse. It would be a definitely step down on the police ladder, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they would leap at the chance to get you up here.”

    So I went to visit the detachment. It was not nearly as nice as our new one in Otter County. The policeman there said to me, “You want to transfer here? Are you crazy?” I told him I had fallen in love with a woman in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and if we were to marry, I would need to find a way to work closer to her. The policeman said, “Well, what kind of job does she have where she can’t move?” I said your sister was a school teacher. The policeman said, “Then she can move. School teachers are in practically every town in Canada. Keep your job in Otter County. That’s a nice new facility and it will be good for your career. You don’t want to transfer here to Spruce Narrows.” I said that was good advice, and I didn’t plan to transfer.

    But then I had a conversation with Vivian Crane. I had gotten injured from Shiimsa playing with a certain part of my anatomy, as you have probably heard and Vivian runs the nursing station in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). While I was being sewn up, she said to me, “Paul. I’m impressed you are willing to take this kind of abuse for Liz’s sake. Let me give you a little advice.” I said OK. She said, “You need to move closer to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). You aren’t seeing Liz enough.” I said, “I see her every 1 to 2 weeks when I get free time from work. Are you saying that’s not enough?” Vivian said, “Well Liz and I have had a lot of conversations over the last year and half. I have heard her whole romantic history and I can tell you that the man she will ultimately marry is the one that spends the most time with her.” I said, “You mean the one she loves, don’t you?” Vivian said, “As near as I can tell, love is not really part of it. She dated a guy in high school, and the minute she went to university and didn’t see him anymore the relationship was over. She lived with a guy in university, and you would think that seeing him every day would be enough, but he was fooling around on her. The reason she was mad at him was because he spending time with other women—time she felt should have been spent on her. Then you met the helicopter pilot, right?” I said, “Yes.” Vivian said, “He lives in British Columbia, and yet Liz had this idea that because he flew helicopters he could just drop in her as often as he wanted. Then when he didn’t and just sent her e-mails, that wasn’t enough. She told him, ‘Seeing is believing.’ So, if you want to make things go with her, you need to see her every day. E-mails and occasional visits will not be enough.” I said thanks for the advice, but it was troubling. After all, even though I am in love with your sister, I have only been dating her since October and she did not officially end the relationship with the helicopter pilot until late December. We have not been together very long.

    Then I had a conversation that convinced me. I ran into Jesse Mukwa’s aunt Margaret. She said, “Vivian said she told you to transfer over to Spruce Narrows.” I said, “She did mention it. She said it was necessary for dating Elizabeth. I didn’t really understand why. I see Elizabeth every 1 to 2 weeks, and I e-mail and IM message her and I write letters to her.” Margaret said, “Well, there are a few things Vivian left out.” I said, “What is that?” Margaret said, “There is something about Liz that attracts men, and not just single men, but boys too. The boys follow her around and are constantly staring in her window. But Vivian in particular got a little upset when Gary and Liz came home one evening after going fly fishing when they did not bring back any fish. Gary said he was just teaching her philosophy, that excuse did not work with Vivian.
    Ever since then, whenever Gary wants to do something with Liz, like snowshoeing, Vivian makes sure she and Laurie McLeod come along.” I said, “Well if people around here think she is so attractive and she wants someone who can see her every day, then why isn’t she dating someone who lives in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees)?” Margaret said, “They’ve tried. Some boys in the Narrows asked her out and there was a teacher there who had a regular pool date with her, but none of them have your stamina.” I said, “Stamina? What are you talking about?” Margaret said, “The cat. Her cat bites and scratches and urinates on things. Most guys can tolerate it once, but twice or more is too much. Everyone in town knows where you got scratched most recently, and we have seen you with scratches before. We are convinced you can do it.” I said, “Do what?” Margaret said, “Be her boyfriend. That will take a lot of pressure off the town. I have been doing my part to make her less attractive, but she really needs a steady boyfriend.” I said, “Doing your part to make her less attractive? Like what?” Margaret said, “Pies. Pastries. She has a weakness for them. I am sure you noticed she has put on weight.” I said, “Nonsense. She is just as beautiful as ever.” Margaret said, “Beautiful yes, but I bet you will have to lock your hands under her bottom to lift her up.” I said, “So, you’re saying that men find her attractive and in order to proper date her, I need to live closer.” Margaret said, “If you love her, that’s what you have to do. If you don’t, one of these days, a Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) or Narrows man is going to find he can tolerate cat scratches a lot more than he ever thought he could.”

    That conversation did it for me, I am in love with your sister and don’t want to lose her to another closer-living, cat scratch-tolerant man. I applied for the transfer. My partner thought I had gone insane. She said, “You are moving for this woman, who won’t even kiss you in public, who wouldn’t take the time to meet your parents, who went off with her old boyfriend in a helicopter just last Christmas, who has never, ever even told you that she loves you? And you would be moving from Otter County to a little town with barely 10 buildings in it. Paul, I thought you were simple, but I never thought you were this simple. If she breaks things off with you, then you will be stuck in Spruce Narrows. No one is going to want to transfer there to take your place. We can barely get people in Otter Country, and this is a lot nicer place.” I know my partner means the best for me, but I have to follow my heart and that lies with your sister in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). I don’t have any regrets. I can’t wait to move, so I can be with your sister every day.

    That’s the story, in case your sister has not already told you.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 1:36 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, thanx 4 the deets, paul!

    apes

     

  • At 4:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I am so embarrassed that Shiimsa injured Paul again, and that he had to subject himself to Vivian's attentions at the nursing station. I am so sorry, Paul! I thought Shiimsa was coming so far with the niceness lessons, but I think this is my fault, as I made her feel insecure with my thoughts about animals that don't climb. Jesse Mukwa will be coming by this evening for an emergency niceness session. Shiimsa made me promise to sign up for some "learning to be a cat person" lessons with Viv.

    Liz

     

  • At 4:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I had a conversation with Billy Strongblood during lunch. I don't know if your sister has already told you. He was not very nice. I don’t like the man. You may remember he is the young man who wears blood tears and sees and speaks the truth. I was having lunch at the Moose Caboose, a local diner in Mtigwaki when Billy came up to me and said, “Hey, constable. I hear you’re transferring to the Narrows.” I said, “I have asked to be transferred, but I have to wait until a position comes up there. If it does, I think I’ll get it.” Billy said, “I see. That way you can see the school teacher all the time.” I said, “Yes. She’s says that would be amazing.” Billy said, “Amazing? What a word to use. Why would she say that?” I said, “Why are you making a big deal out of the word ‘amazing’? Elizabeth and I both feel like we were supposed to meet each other, like it is preordained. If she hadn’t come up north to teach or if her mother hadn’t left her glasses in my office, we would have never met. I think someone is watching over us. To me that would be ‘amazing.’ Don’t you agree?”

    Billy Strongblood said, “You are so full of moowan (excrement). Do you expect anyone to believe you are inendaagozihe (have such a destiny)? You conveniently couldn’t find the address or the licence plate of the school teacher’s mother, who conveniently left her sunglasses at your office, after she conveniently showed you a picture of her single daughter and telling you she lived in Mtigwaki and conveniently decided to hand-deliver those glasses to the school teacher, just like you conveniently decided to apply for a transfer. There is no one watching over you. You are so banaadendamhe (desperate) for a white woman, you would do anything. You should just admit you want her and stop talking about inendaagozihe (having such a destiny).” I said, “I don’t know why I am talking to you. You are gagwaanisagizi (mean).” Billy said, “My advice to you is to be debwehe (honest) with yourself and the school teacher. She did not “have to” come north to teach. She came here to get away from her nimaamaa (mother) and her married ex-boyfriend. I met her nimaamaa (mother) in the pow-wow last autumn and if she were my nimaamaa (mother), I would try to get away too. Every young man in Mtigwaki met her and the word was spread all the way to Spruce Narrows to avoid dating the school teacher, no matter how beautiful she is.” I said, “Why would they say that?” Billy said, “To marry the school teacher means having a inzigozisag wiisagendam (mother-in-law of pain and suffering).” I said, “I thought the men avoided Elizabeth because her cat scratches, bites and urinates.” Billy said, “Who told you that? Men from the Narrows have never met the school teacher’s cat.” I said, “I have met Elizabeth’s mother and she is a fine and kind woman. I do not like the way you speak of her.” Billy said, “Constable. You are gagiibiingwehe (blinded) by love. I pity you.”

    Some people in Mtigwaki are not very nice.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 4:28 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i'm at becky's mom's bakeshop, helping out, since they've been so busy there lately. becky wanted to ask you to be the one to help, but her mother insisted you'd be too distracting to her. she also locked becky's phone in a filing cabinet, so becks asked me to let you know what's going on.

    apes

     

  • At 4:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, thanx 4 the info on rebeccah. i'm happy rebeccah iz still thinkin' of me. sorry u got dragged n2 rebeccah'z mom'z stuff, but @least rebeccah haz a friend 2 help her.

     

  • At 4:45 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, becky's mom seemz like she'z in a really bad mood, like she'z doin' all this xtra baking 2 take her mind offa sumthin' that's bothering her. & she keeps mutterin' 2 herself, but whenev becky or i ask what she just sed, she'z like "mind yr own beezwax" (retro!). then becky lks @ me & rollz her eyez.

    apes

     

  • At 6:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Well, I'm still confused about these guys I had dates with recently. Hamidou M'Baye came by early this morning to serenade me with his favourite Youssou N'Dour song, "Cruel Crazy Beautiful World":

    You have to wash with the crocodile in the river
    You have to swim with the sharks in the sea
    You have to live with the crooked politician
    Trush those things that you can never see
    Ayeye ayeye jesse mfana (jesse boy) ayeye ayeye

    Chorus:
    It's a cruel crazy beautiful world
    Every time you wake up I hope it's under a blue sky
    It's a cruel crazy beautiful world
    One day when you wake up I will have to say goodbye
    Goodbye -- It's your world so live in it!

    Beyond the door, strange cruel beautiful years lie waiting for you
    It kills me to know you won't escape loneliness,
    Maybe you lose hope too
    Ayeye ayeye jesse mfana ayeye ayeye

    Chorus

    When I feel your small body close to mine
    I feel weak and strong at the same time
    So few years to give you wings to fly
    Show you the stars to guide your ship by

    Chorus

    It's your world so live in it

    He has a beautiful voice. As soon as he finished singing, he told me, "We must get together again soon!" Just after he left, Beau Dacious showed up, dressed in an outfit that displayed his muscly physique to its best advantage. He gave me a long, slow kiss, and then whispered, "Let's have another date very soon!"

    Twenty minutes later, Art Nouveau arrived. He brought a portrait of me that was done in the style of the third card in from the left on the top row in this image.

    At the bottom of the portrait, he'd written, "We must have another rendezvous soon!"

    Ben Zedrine ran in, gave me a dozen roses, and ran back out. The roses had a card from him, with "Zippity zip! Let's make a date quickity-quick!"

    So all three of these sweet, sweet guys want to have a date soon. What order should I see them in? Whom do I like the best? I'm so confused!

    Howard once again was winking at me right after each guy left. And so I grinned at him, and Sugar said, "Marjee! Are you trying to make Howard jealous?" And I said, "No, he's my friend, and besides, he's gay!" And she said, "Nonsense! But keep your claws out of him, as he's dating my niece Greer." I said, "Okay," and went back to work. The shamp-Oh line was building up, you know?

    Marjee

     

  • At 6:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    when ger saw my comment sayin' i was @ the bakeshop helpin' becks, he came rite over, all, "i don't wish 2 b apart from my april-flower!" he was also a bit bummed cuz we lost in basketball, but he was also a bit relieved that eva didn't bother 2 show up 4 the game.

    becky's mom looked him up & down & sed, "u know, becky, u cd do a lot worse 4 a 1st husband", & becky was all, "mom, i know, i know, we've been all thru this b4!" i musta had a wtf lk on my face, cuz becks whispered, "don't worry abt it, apes"! then mrs. mcguire made ger leave, cuz she sed he was 2 distracting.

    a bit l8r, my mom showed up. she was all embarrassed that i was there, & she pretended the crate o' pastriez she was pickin' up was 4 dad's office 2morrow, but i know she was gonna scarf 'em b4 she even got back home, lol. i smuggled a bearclaw home 4 dad. he almost never gets the goodiez!

    apes

     

  • At 7:07 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I am so glad you are looking out for your dad and Becky. I am under strict orders from Krystle (Becky’s mom) to wait at home for Dr. McCauley, so I cannot join you there. Sorry.

    I think I may know the source of Krystle’s aggravation. It is that Dr. McCauley has begun not coming home from work until very late at night. His claim is that he has patients in hospital that require his attention during the evenings, and when Krystle has called hospital, the people there confirm what Dr. McCauley has said. I think she is going through a “if he can stay late at work, then I can stay late at work” phase. This is just speculation on my part, of course, since Krystle has not actually told me this. What I know for sure is that I have not had to make dinner for anyone in a few days. Also, the house is very clean. I think it is cleaner than any place I have ever lived before, because I have been bored at night waiting for Becky and Krystle to come home.

    Today at work was interesting though. Sugar has stopped asking me if Maxine Hébert called. I think she figured out that Maxine is not interested in dating a gay, transvestite from Milborough.

    I had a good time with Greer Van Rensselaer last night at the opera. She is very knowledgeable and extremely particular. We went to a restaurant after the show and it took her about 5 minutes to describe the way she wanted her food cooked. Then it took her about 30 minutes to actually receive the food, because she kept sending it back. When we got back to her place she remarked to me, “Howard, you are the first man with whom I have gotten all the way through a date.” I said, “Thank you.” She said, “Do you want to come in for some sex?” I said, “No thank you. I’m gay.” She scratched my head behind my ears and said, “Good boy.” And that was it.

    Sugar was very excited today about how the date went with Greer. She mentioned it about a hundred times to Marjee trying to get a reaction from her, but with no success. If I were Marjee and had 4 guys after me like that, I wouldn’t care what anyone else was doing.

    It all sounds very complicated, and it is, but it is still not as complicated as your sister’s love life.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 7:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, rebeccah'z mom duzn't like me much cuz i am not rich. wen she iz n 1 of her moodz 'bout men, i stay away frum her. actually, wen my mom gets n of her moodz 'bout men, i try 2 stay away frum her 2. it's safer that way. i'm sorry every1 keeps tryin' 2 get rebeccah 2gethah w/gigli. it bothaz me 2, & i am only a pre-bf, not a real bf/gf like u 2.

     

  • At 7:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, yeah, i know what u mean abt becks's mom not likin' u cuz it seemz like ger's 'rents, esp. her dad, will nevr like me no matter what i do. it's v. v. frustrating!

    apes

     

  • At 10:19 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes! I dont think yr mom has NEthing 2 do w/ the drama club the faculty advisor is Mr Mirabell hes the Gr 11 an' 12 uni prep English teacher.

    I hafta go c Mr Mirabell b4 homeroom 2morrow an' I guess my 1st meeting will b 2morrow aft skool. Drama club will prolly b so uncube. Ill give u the deets 2morrow aft the meeting.

    L8r.

     

  • At 11:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    duncan, lemme know if need ne1 2 work sound on a show. also, if the drama club duz nething written by april's bro, then don't lemme know that, eh?

     

  • At 11:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I think your sister told you she was going to have Jesse Mukwa come to her apartment this evening for an emergency niceness session with Shiimsa. When he arrived, Jesse said, “Miss Patterson, I see the problem already.” Your sister said, “What’s that Jesse?” Jesse said, “He’s here.” He pointed at me. Your sister said, “Shiimsa has to get used to Paul being here. He requested a transfer to Spruce Narrows so he will be here a lot more often.” Jesse started crying and ran to your sister and said, “If I don’t see him here…I can pretend he’s not here.”

    I said, “Jesse. I talked to your aunt Margaret about this already. You knew about the transfer before you came here.” Jesse said, “Miss Patterson. I can’t do a niceness session with Shiimsa with him here.” Your sister said, “Please leave, Paul. We have to help Shiimsa learn to be better, so she won’t scratch you.” Jesse said, “As much.” So, I had to leave. I took a long walk around the lake and when I got back, Jesse was no longer there. Your sister said, “Let’s see if Jesse’s session helped. Why don’t you pet Shiimsa, Paul?” I reached down my hand and started petting a purring Shiimsa. Your sister said, “Now give her a cat treat.” I said, “I don’t have a cat treat.” Shiimsa sunk her teeth in my hand and started kicking and clawing it. Your sister said, “Paul. You have to have a cat treat or the niceness session won’t work.” I think I am going to be carrying a cat treat at all times.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

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