April's Real Blog

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Everytime Liz turns around. . . .

So, U mite remember that a coupla dayz ago, Liz & Paul were talking about how they felt sum1 is watching over them, only 2 find a coupla little faces spying on them thru the window? So after that, Liz went out 2 talk 2 them. It was Jesse & Ellen. Liz asked Jesse Y he & Ellen didn't go & hang out sumwhere else. Ellen giggled & Jesse was all singing, "Miss Patterson's got a boyfriend, U've got a boyfriend!" Liz was, like, "Listen, guys. We spend all day 2gether in the classroom. When I come home, it's my private time, OK?" Jesse went, "OK", & Liz went back inside, where she told Paul that every time she turnz around in that place (Mtig), some1's watching her! Paul was all, " I know. ....So, ....turn around." He was, like, hugging her fr. behind when he sed that last part.

So Dunc's signing up 4 drama club so's he can show the judge he's got, like, xtra-currix. He'z worried it'll B way lame. I hope not!

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 9:57 AM  

33 Comments:

  • At 12:18 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I remember those childhood taunts, “Howard’s got a boyfriend. Howard’s got a boyfriend.” Your sister handled that a lot better than I did. Of course when it happened to me, I was 12, but that’s another story.

    I have barely seen the Becky the last few days. She and Krystle (Becky’s mom) work until they close Krystle’s Kakes & Pies and when she comes home she goes straight to bed. I miss having conversations with her.

    At the salon, Marjee continues to receive presents. I think she went on a date with one of them last night. Sugar came by to me and said, “So, Howard. When are you asking my niece Greer out for a date?” I said, “I wasn’t planning to ask her out for a date. Your niece is nice and even though she likes me, I am still gay and she is still a woman. I don’t see how it could work out for a long term relationship.” Sugar said, “Of course it wouldn’t work for a long term relationship. Greer is so particular. But if you have to show Marjee you can compete. One of the biggest things a girl finds attractive about a man is if other girls find him attractive too.” I said, “Sugar. Why can’t you see that Marjee is a friend and nothing more?” Sugar said, “Are you telling me you have never been intimate with Marjee?” I said, “Well. I wouldn’t say that. But that was a long time ago.” Sugar said, “I can see the pain on your face. I’ll call Greer for you and just say you were too shy to call yourself. She likes shy boys.” I said, “That really isn’t necessary.” Sugar said, “Of course it is.” So, I have another date with Greer tonight. I think I will cook for her at her place. She was so picky about food at the restaurant to which we went the other night, I am sure I will not be able to satisfy her unusual culinary demands.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 12:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Howard is right, I did have a date last night. It was with Ben Zedrine, since it was so important that we set up something "quickety-quick"! Ben's very sweet, but he really wears me out. We buzzed from one place to another last night. One place for a drink, another for appetizers, yet another for dinner, a dessert place next, a café after that, a night club to hear some music, a dance club to shake our booties, and then an after-hours place after the dance club closed for the nice. Afterwards, at my place, he wanted us to break some record of his for number of different sexual positions in one night. I don't think we broke his record, and though I had a great time, I don't think I can keep seeing him. His pace could kill me!

    Marjee

     

  • At 1:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, the kidz n ur sister’s class seem a little slow. she haz been d8ing this guy since october & they r just now figgerin’ out she haz a bf. haz she been hidin’ him n the basement or haz he been wearin’ a disguise or sumthin’? i can tell u that i have nevah gone 2 my teach’s house 2 look n her window. thass just whacked.

     

  • At 1:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings today. You and your sister must be very close. She tells you everything. Did she tell you what happened after I hugged her from behind? I hope not. Sisters don’t need to know absolutely everything.

    I did ask your sister why Jesse Mukwa and Ellen were so excited about her having a boyfriend because we had been seeing other since we met on November 3. Your sister told me until recently, when people asked about me, she referred to me as her “friend” and said we were dating tentatively. That is why Jesse Mukwa was so excited. It explained Jesse’s behaviour and made me even more certain I had made the right decision to request the transfer to Spruce Narrows.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 2:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Tell your sister Elizabeth, I know all about neighbor boys who won’t leave you alone. I have been retired since 1950 and I swear a day doesn’t go by when the Mitchell boy next door doesn’t come over to bother me and usually brings his smelly dog with him. My wife, Martha actually encourages him by giving him cookies. One thing I have learned is that if you don’t want neighbor kids over at your house, then don’t give them cookies!

    George Wilson

     

  • At 2:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Elizabeth,

    My problems with neighbor kids is even worse than yours. A lot of times when I am sleeping on the couch, taking a nap, Elmo Tuttle, the kid from the neighborhood comes right into our house and wakes me up to ask me something. I can’t tell you how many great naps have been interrupted by that extremely articulate, cap-wearing 5-year-old. I have tried locking the doors and telling my dog Daisy to kill him on sight, but nothing works. Good luck with your neighborhood kids.

    Dagwood Bumstead

     

  • At 3:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Mr. Wilson and Mr. Bumstead, thanks for sharing you experiences. It helps to know I'm not the only one with issues like this.

    Liz

     

  • At 3:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Elizabeth,

    At least your neighbors do not want to kill and eat you. My friends Rat, Pig, and Goat don’t seem to care. My crocodile neighbors are constantly speaking to me over the hedge that separates our yards about how they want to kill and eat me, I mean “keel and eat” me. Fortunately, they are very stupid. If you are going to have neighbors that bother you, it is a good idea to have neighbors that are a lot stupider than you are.

    Zebra

     

  • At 4:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Zebra, how awful to have neighbours like that! That certainly puts my issues into perspective!

    Liz

     

  • At 5:18 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes!

    I went 2 c Mr Mirabell this am an' asked 2 join the drama club. He asked me y I wanted 2 join an' I told him I rilly didnt want 2 but my lawyer told me 2. He goes, oh, yr in youth court r u, alrite, Ive got @ part 4 u, c u @ 3:15.

    So aft skool Im on my way 2 Horny T an' I remembr abt the drama club. I walk in like 20 min l8 an' evry1 stops whatevah they were doing an' looks @ me. Mr M goes, were so glad u r gracing us w/ yr presence, Mr Anderson, Im so sorry were not using yr talents in this production, were doing Macbeth not The Tempest. U r the 3rd murderer, sit down. Sum of the band geeks laffed. I think Mr M was dissing me but Im not sure. I took the only seat left which was next 2 Sandra Larson I hadnt cn her since she was in elementry skool w/ us. She doesnt wear those pink dresses nemore, shes gone goth. We read thru the 1st 2 acts of Macbeth an' she kept muttering, st00pid, st00pid, st00pid.

    I dont think the 3rd murderers a v big part 'cos we didnt get 2 him yet. When we were leaving, Sandra goes, Duncan Anderson, rnt u 1 of April Pattersons little friends? I go, yah, shes my friend. Sandra goes, where does she get all those st00pid pictures of st00pid ferrets in st00pid Halloween costumes 4 her blog? I go, thats Apes fake blog her real blog is rilly cube. Sandra stared @ me 4 a min an' goes, is it?

    Sandra makes me feel a bit weird.

    L8r.

     

  • At 5:45 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, i heard that sandra's been, like, practicing what she callz her "devastating stare". oh, & she'z been writing her name like "zandra" since the goth girlz r in2 "z" namez.

    @ least w/a non-major part, u won't hafta remember all kindza dialogue, eh?

    it's pretty sucky that peeps think that lame-o fake blog's really my blog. i've gotta do sumthin' abt that!

    apes

     

  • At 5:47 PM, Blogger Zandra Larson said…

    Devastating stare? I hope so.

    And Duncan, don't call me Sandra. Or else.

     

  • At 5:58 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh, man.

    Sorry, Apes.

     

  • At 6:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    duncan, i get the z-girls confused. i know zabrina, zariel, ziarre, zola, zoe, zelda, zabra, & zahara frum gettin' them comp ticks 2 my dad's vd show. duz zandra luk ne diffrent frum thoze girlz?

     

  • At 7:06 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Dinner with Greer Van Rensselaer is not going well. She said to me, “Howard, you cooked the food just the way I told you to. What a good boy you are.” Then she rubbed my belly and said, “That dress you have on is just gorgeous. It sets off your eyes.” She saw me writing this to you and said, “Howard. Are you writing to another woman while you are with me?” I said, “No. It’s not a woman.” She said, “Are you writing to an underage girl then?” I said, “Well, yes, but she’s just a friend.” Then Greer said, “Howard. You may be the perfect man.” I said, “What?” Greer said, “You’re a cross-dressing, gay, criminal who is out on bail for assaulting a woman, and who has not been able to keep a steady job, and who thinks he was a dog at one point in his life, loves opera, can cook, and has a close relationship with an underage girl. I don’t know if there is any other man in the world who could meet my needs and wants as well as you can. Have you been intimate with this underage girl?” I said, “No! How could you ask such a thing?” Greer said, “Too perfect.” I thought she would find something disagreeable about me, but that has not happened. Listening to her I don’t know if I should be disturbed that she likes all these things about me, or simply that there are all things about me.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 7:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    Your sister had to break up a fight today at school. Apparently little Jesse Mukwa is a naazhokwewed (ladies man). Your sister made a class-wide announcement about not staring in her window, because it was her private time. One child said, “But Miss Patterson, the last time we came to your house for cookies, Mr. Crane stared through your window with us. We thought it was OK.” Little Ellen, who was outside your sister’s window with Jesse Mukwa, said, “Miss Patterson. Why don’t you close your drapes like everyone else does? That way Jesse and I wouldn’t see you and your boyfriend doing dance lifts, whenever Jesse and I go to your apartment for cookies.” Your sister started to say, “That’s not the point” when she was interrupted by the children chanting, “Miss Patterson’s got a boyfriend. Miss Patterson’s got a boyfriend.”

    Your sister was able to get them to stop, and then she noticed Ellen and another girl named Alice fighting. Alice said, “Why are you getting cookies with Jesse? He’s supposed to do that with me!” Ellen said, “Jesse likes me better. Miss Patterson likes me better. You’re crazy because you’re in the loon clan.” Your sister said, “Alice. I do not like Ellen better. I like all my students the same. All clans are equal and each one has special gifts which help the community.” Alice said, “You do like her better. You rotated her under the stars in class, and the day when everyone was sick except Mark and Tanya, you forgot I was in your class.” Your sister said, “I did not!” Alice said, “Mark and Tanya told me you did and they were there. Now Jesse is going to your house with Ellen and not me.” Then she started crying. Your sister felt really bad. I told her the someone watching over us probably made her forget about Alice, but that didn’t make her feel better. Shiimsa could tell your sister was hurting and curled up in her lap and purred. Shiimsa is a good kitty, except for when she scratches me when I try to comfort your sister too.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 7:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I felt terrible about little Alice! I can't believe I forgot her like that. So many children to keep track of, and each with a different name!

    Liz

     

  • At 8:29 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Jer, I get the z-grls mixed up 2. Sum r 6 ft tall an' way 100 lbs an' sum r 5 ft tall an' way 200 lbs. Zandra's taller than me an' rilly rilly thin.

    I 4got 2 ask Mr Mirabell if he needs a sound man Ill ask aft the next meeting on Mon.

    L8r.

     

  • At 8:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, in p.e. class, our teacher was like, "sandra, u disappear when u turn sidewayz". zandra scowled, all, "no i don't, i wish i cd, & it's zandra!"

    apes

     

  • At 8:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    duncan, thanx n advance 4 askin' mr. mirabell 'bout the sound. i think i know which 1 zandra iz. no i don't.

     

  • At 8:59 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Success!! Greer Van Rensselaer offered me some dog biscuits and I refused to eat them. I almost said it was because she bought the cheap brand, but I stopped myself just in time. She was heartbroken. She kicked me out of her place and said, “I thought you were perfect, but you’re not dog enough for me!” I almost said, “You mean ‘good enough for me’?” But I stopped myself before I said it. It’s just as well. I was starting to get freaked out when she was saying things like, “If my aunt hadn’t introduced us because your girlfriend who works for my aunt was seeing 4 other guys, we would never have met.” After my experience long ago in Corbeil, I don’t believe in fate anymore.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 9:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    Your sister was so sad about forgetting Alice; she decided to invent a way to remember all her class’ names. She is using a mnemonic acronym.
    MADE FAST DJ
    Mark, Anna, Daniel, Ellen – MADE
    Faun, Alice, Scottie, Tanya – FAST
    Dakota, Jesse - DJ

    She said “Made Fast DJ” would be easy for her to remember, but she won’t tell me why. Your sister is a wonderful teacher. I can see why her students love her enough to stare in her window. After all, I love her too, and I am not even her student.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 9:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Liz, good thing I taught you what a good trick mneumatic devices are!

    Love,

    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 9:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    It's mneumonic, Ugly Brother, and no, you didn't teach me that!

    Liz

     

  • At 9:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Well, I might just say otherwise in a monthly letter, Lizardbreath, and then everyone will believe it's true!

    Ha, ha, ha!

    Love,

    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 9:16 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    geez, mike, u r sooooo uncube! don't u have a fam 2 ignore?

    apes

     

  • At 9:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i think it's pneumatic. 1 of our vocab wordz. az n "ur bro iz so full of hot air, he'z practically pneumatic."

     

  • At 9:28 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol! i think u must b rite abt that 1, jeremy!

    apes

     

  • At 9:49 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April

    Is this conversation in some way related to the Numa Numa Dance from "Dragostea Din Tei" by O-Zone? Just kidding.

    I am back at home. Krystle (Becky’s mom) and Becky are not back from Krystle’s Kakes & Pies yet and Dr. McCauley is not back from wherever he is yet. Nothing left to do but clean the house, feed the dogs, and lift some weights.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 9:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, i don't think so, but i cd b wrong, cuz i dunno what u r talkin' abt.

    poor becks! she must b tired fr. spending so much time working @ the bakeshop. :(

    apes

     

  • At 9:55 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April

    I am talking about this.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 10:00 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ohhhhhhh! thanx 4 the xplanation, howard! mayB we can get mike 2 sing & dance "pneumatic/mneumonic" & unleash it in2 the 'net world as "ugly information"! lol!

    apes

     

  • At 10:12 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    LOL! Scary thought, to unleash such a pmenace on the net.

    Howard K.

     

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