April's Real Blog

Monday, February 27, 2006

Gary, U Flirt!

So, Liz sez that when she & Gary Crane were walking 2 school 2gether, she noticed that he was wearing a coat that matched hers. "April, Paul has a matching coat!" Then she told me abt Gary telling her that Paul's a "nice yung man" that she'z seeing, & he asked her if he's Ojibway. Liz told Gary about Paul's mom being Ojibway & his Dad being Irish. Gary was all, "That wd make him Ojibirish!" And then, "My wife's grandmother was Mi'kmaq & her grandfather was from Scotland. Her mom is from Scotland 2." Liz went, "Oh?" & Gary was, "....That makes her McMi'kmaq!" Liz sez that made her laff, but then she was thinking, "Matching coat? Wordplay? Is Gary flirting w/me?" Good question, Liz. Gary, U scamp!

Howard, thanx 4 the scoop on 12-step programmez 4 bunniez addicted 2 electrifying themselvez. Will prolly hafta use this 4 Butterscotch.

Loox like there'z a yrbook meeting this afternoon, where we'll learn who our new advisor is.

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 6:41 AM  

25 Comments:

  • At 8:55 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh, man, Apes, now I cant get that Mc-mc-mac pun outta my head. An' it makes me think of Macbeth. An' drama club. An' that skary Zandra Larson.

    L8r.

     

  • At 9:00 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i saw zandra carrying a giant complete shakespeare & having sum kinda argument w/zapata henderson.

    apes

     

  • At 9:09 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh, man. I dont think shell b in a v good mood 2day. Did u c the front page of the Mboro Petfinder? Theres a piktur of the partying Swedes an' Zandras sitting on the curb. Got 2 get 2 drama club erly so I dont hafta sit next 2 her.

     

  • At 9:26 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, dunc just showed me the pic. yeah, zandra seemz way p.o.'ed.

    apes

     

  • At 11:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your sister and her boss Gary Crane. One of the things you have to live with when you are growing up is people making fun of your name or your heritage. A lot of times, people will think they are clever when they come up with something many, many people have come up with before. For example, Ojibirish. I cannot tell you how many times I have to listen to that joke, when I tell people my mom is Ojibway and my dad is Irish. As bad as that is, the jokes on my last name are the worst. There is “You must be Mr. (w)Right. Will you marry me?” Because I do police work there are many variations on Paul “Dudley Do” Wright.” Or Paul “Ees” Wright. I noticed when your sister told you this story she left out when Gary said to her, “If you were to marry him, people would said to you, ‘Well Lizzie Wrong or Lizzie Wright?’” Gary Crane is a laugh riot. I am sure his wife’s family loves him, with that McMi'kmaq joke.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 11:54 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    don't worry, paul, when i meet u in march, we will come up w/a joke abt gary, like "r u a bird?" but better than that, eh?

    apes

     

  • At 12:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i am so glad ur finally getting’ ur new advisor 4 yrbook. lorraine shoobie haz been drivin’ me crayzee askin’ me if i wud work yrbook, if she iz appointed editor-n-chief grade ovah cindilu sera tonin by the new advisor. i wuz thinkin’ of startin’ a “keep cindilu” campaign.

    lorraine sez that since jones iz a hebrew name, we shud b like kindred spirits w/her last name of shoobie. i sed, “wut duz shoobie come frum?” lorraine sed, “no 1 knowz the precise origin of the term. it iz b-lieved that "shoobie" came n2 use long ago 2 describe a certain category of summer visitor who didn't win friends among merchants, cuz they came 4 the day & brot their lunch n shoeboxes. not only were they not staying, but they were not even buying food there. my family iz unjustly known 4 b-ing cheap, just like ur people.” i sed 2 lorraine, “don’t u think ur makin’ a lot outa famly backgroundz?” lorraine sed, “i’m not makin’ jokes ‘bout it, like cindilu sera tonin wud.” mebbe i’ll make just a few “keep cindilu” posterz.

     

  • At 1:04 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    If you see Becky today, be kind to her. I cannot believe how hard her mother is working her. I could swear she said she was going to ease up by Sunday, but that did not happen. Even though I live with Becky, I barely see her. She comes home from working at her mother’s bakery, goes straight to bed, and then when she gets up, goes right to school. I miss my bud, but she usually looks exhausted, so I know it is better for her to get her rest than to appease my own selfish wants.

    At the hair salon, Sugar seemed to be very happy I had been seeing her 1st cousin once removed, Grietje Van Rensselaer, even though I told her Grietje seemed to be mainly interested in me for research for her graduate degree in psychology than anything romantic. Just yesterday, I was explaining to Grietje about the bilabial vibration kiss and she insisted on a demonstration for her research. After she recovered her bodily control and I cleaned her up a little, she took a lot of notes and asked me to demonstrate pretty much every kind of kiss I know. She says this will help her Kissesthetic Sense. I asked her what that was and she said, “It’s like your Kinesthetic Sense, which is your ability to sense body position and the movement of muscles, tendons, and joints; except with kissing.” I said, “You’re just making words up.” She said, “Yes. It’s a part of my Kisstallized Intelligence.” I asked her what that was. She said, “It’s like Crystallized Intelligence, which is the amount of information you obtain and the verbal skills you develop over time; except with kissing.” Sometimes when psych majors make jokes, it’s only funny to them.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 2:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your bird joke suggestion for your sister’s boss Gary Crane. I am sure Mr. Crane has heard jokes about his last name. I don’t think we should add to them. We don’t want to make any trouble for your sister with her boss. Your sister tells me that when she is around people for awhile, they start making jokes or puns. I know I have done it. It is just part of the manidookaazohe (magic) of being around your sister.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 6:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Becky,

    I am sorry to hear that your pre-boyfriend is not as committed to you as he should be. I have had some experience with partners who are reluctant to commit. Also, Coach says I have very strong, broad shoulders. If you would like to come over and cry on them, I could probably give you some advice on your boy problems.

    Your concerned friend, Gerald

     

  • At 6:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear April, Paul, and others,

    Today, when Gary finished making jokes about Paul's mixed heritage, I said to him, "Thank you for your concern, but I will handle Paul's racial background in my own way."

    Strangely, this did not have the desired effect. In the past when I have used this line about my assault or my relationship with a particular man, it has always been so effective in convincing people to stop asking me questions or speculating about the situation whatsoever.

    But this time, it did not work. Gary said to me, "You know Liz, you can't just say that to people and expect them not to ask about your life or talk about you. You cannot expect to have friendly relationships with people if you are unwilling to share anything personal about yourself."

    This confused me. What do you think that's supposed to mean?

    Liz

     

  • At 7:03 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, peeps, sorry i went so long w/out writing! got busier than i xpected 2day.

    so, yrbook. our new advisor is mrs. petunia mirabell-tishtosh, who'z mr. mirabell's sister. she's one of the grade-10 english teachers, & she'z new this yr, so she needed a club 2 advise.

    neway, lorraine shoobie'z pissed cuz mrs. mirabell-tishtosh sed there'd b no changez 2 the editorial structure. eva was all trying 2 get assigned away fr. basketball & she was saying "i think jeremy jones mite wanna do it." i told her, "i dunno abt that," but she was like, "i've c'n him @ the gamez, & he'z in2 basketball!"

    becks, so glad all that overtime'z over. gah, can't believe that abt my mom & all those pastriez. ok, well, i can. but i wish i cdn't.

    zapata henderson was yellin' 2 zandra larson, all larson, all "mayB i shd call u 'zwede-ra'!" & zandra was all, "i can't help having an uncle who's an idiot!"

    apes

    p.s. becks, i m pretty sure jeremy meant that if alex asked him 2 go 2 the st8's, he'd b like "4get it!"

     

  • At 7:07 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, i don't think it meanz more or less than it soundz like it meanz, eh? if u r all closed off, all the time, ppl will b put off.

    apes

     

  • At 7:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah, who is beautiful? i think u have mentioned sum1, whose name i don’t rite or say nemore & i have not talked 2 since early january. if u don’t wanna b my pre-gf nemore, u shudn’t use that person az an xxcuse. just say u don’t wanna b my pre-gf. also, if u cud avoid xxplodin’ clownz & kickin’ n my lockah this tyme, i wud rilly appreciate it.

     

  • At 7:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, zandra larson came up 2 me @skool & sed, “ur hand, ur tongue; look like the innocent flower, but b the serpent under ‘t. was the hope drunk wherein you dress’d urself?” i think she wuz sayin’ sumthin’ ‘bout my clothez, but i’m not sure.

    i guess u & gigli get 2 have sum more tyme 2gethah since the regional quarterfinals for secondary school ice hockey start this week & r.p. boire didn’t make it & the secondary skool basketball finalz were last week w/runnymede ci winnin’ 4 the TO area n 1A/2A boys. since he prolly won’t hafta do his training regimen, mebbe u shud b doin’ thingz w/him & not sum othah girl, eh?

     

  • At 7:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, wanna do sum thingz we me?

    apes

     

  • At 7:57 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Becky finally came home at a decent hour for a change and she was in a foul mood. She said, “Jeremy Jones is no longer my pre-boyfriend.” I said, “What’s wrong?” Becky said, “Jeremy Jones brings new meaning to the word ‘treachery.’ It should be called ‘treajeremy’ instead.” I said, “Anything else?” Becky said, “’Chicanery’ should be ‘chicanjeremy’. ‘perfidious’ should be ‘jerfidious.’ ‘sinister’ should be ‘sinistjer’. ‘cheater’ should be ‘cheatjer’. ‘slippery’ should be ‘slipjeremy.’” I said, “Vocabulary test today?” Becky said, “Yes. How could you tell?” I said, “Unusual word selections.” Becky was about to tell me more about it, when Gerald was knocking on the door. He said, “Remember the last time you broke up with Jeremy?” Becky said, “Yes.” Gerald said, “Maybe I could comfort you like I did then.” So, they started having a discussion and I have not found out anything else.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 8:37 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Beckers, if u an' Jer r thru mayB I cld b yr sorta bf again. Let me no.

    L8r.

     

  • At 9:07 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    w8 a minute, ger, what did u & becks do the last time she broke up w/jeremy? i don't like the sound of this.

    apes

     

  • At 9:28 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Jer, I went 2 ask Mr Mirabell if he needed a sound man I went 2 his classroom aft skool an' w8ed 4 a few min an' then I figured out he was already @ the drama club meeting I guess I shld of gone str8t there. Ill ask him 2morrow 4 sure.

    So I was rilly l8 again an' the only seat left was next 2 Zandra again. She had this book she must rilly b in2 Shakespeare or mayB w8lifting. We did the read-thru of the rest of Macbeth. I thot I did a rilly cube job w/ my 3rd murderer lines.

    NEway, I cld feel Zandra looking @ me. I told her I saw her piktur in the Mboro Petfinder an' told her that I cld feel her pain 'cos of that Xmas artikle that Rosalba Blatchford rote abt me an' my 'rents in the Toronto National Star Globe Sun. Zandra stared @ me an' goes, no1 can feel my pain. She kept staring @ me an' I thot mayB she wanted me 2 feel the pain of a 30 lb Shakespeare book cracking my skull. Aft more staring, she goes, I nevah read the Toronto National Star Globe Sun its st00pid an' Rosalba Blatchford is the 2nd st00pidest journalist in Canada. Then she walked out.

    Oh, man, 2morrow sux. 1st court an' then more drama club.

    L8r.

     

  • At 9:40 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, dunc, i almost forgot. mrs. mirabell-tishtosh was all, "oh, april, since hockey's over, i think u shd cover drama club! they're going 2 b doing a wonderful production of macbeth! i hear their lead actress is v. v. talented!"

    apes

     

  • At 9:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April flower,

    Yes, I like doing things with you, but right now, Becky needs a strong man to give her support. I know that since she is your best friend, you would want me to lend her a helping hand.

    It is hard to type this with Becky clinging to me and sobbing into my shirt front. She sure can cry a lot. My pectorals are all wet.

    Yours truly, Gerald

     

  • At 9:51 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, i thot jeremy meant that his ex wd fail the "hott" test & jeremy's answer wd b "no effing way" if she asked him 2 go c her.

    apes

     

  • At 12:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah, april'z answer iz rite. she haz a gud unnerstandin' of my sarcastic sense of humour. she knowz there iz "no effing way" i wud evah go newhere 4 that girl. i thot u did 2.

     

  • At 12:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Paul, April, and others,

    After I told Gary that I would handle Paul's racial makeup in my own way, Gary said, "Speaking of that--your parents don't mind you dating a guy who's part Indian?"

    I said, "No, why should they?"

    And Gary said, "Well, some people object if their kids go out with someone of a different race."

    Then this weird sensation came over me. It was like I was being controlled by some sort of program that was set to go off at the mention of the word "race."

    "Race!" I repeated, and I felt my eyes go wide and round like saucers. Then I said, "I wonder why we say that people are of different 'races.'" As soon as I said that, I thought it sounded kind of dumb, but I couldn't stop myself.

    Before I knew it, I said, "It seems to me, we're all running at the same speed and heading toward the same destination." I felt my gut twist hard as I realized where this program had come from. It was a "Patterson Wordplay/Pun Program." Even worse, it was of the "Smug, Sanctimonious Speechifying" subtype.

    But I couldn't stop myself. I finished up by saying, "The only 'winners' are the ones who've made the world a better place for having been there!" I knew I even had the patented Patterson smug look on my face.

    Then I had the weirdest feeling. On one hand, I was disgusted with myself. But there was this overwhelming feeling of...I'm not sure what to call it. Self-satisfaction, I guess. And a sense that I was right. And wise. In fact, that I was wiser than everyone around me for having made this speech. Wiser even than the noble native I was talking to. And I felt like saying something about how I owed all this wisdom and insight to my sainted, shining paragon of a mother. Fortunately, I managed to hold that back.

    Gosh, I'm so confused right now.

    The worst part of this is that it has me thinking about whether I would be one of the "winners" I was talking about. And the more I think about it, the more I think that probably nobody I know is a "winner" by that definition! I mean, maybe if Mike manages to write the great Canadian novel someday. Or if Gordon gets super rich and becomes a famous philanthropist. Or if--and I hate to admit this--if Becky becomes a famous singer.

    But if I weren't a teacher, if Dad weren't a dentist, if Paul weren't a cop, if Dee weren't a pharmacist, if Lawrence weren't a landscaper...someone else would just take our places! We're not that special! We didn't really make the world any better of a place than if we hadn't existed! Mom retiring is just proof of this! She quit being the owner of a landmark children's bookstore...and someone stepped up and took her place! Like it didn't matter at all!

    What's worse is that when I told Shiimsa what I was thinking, she said, "HMM...I THINK YOU ARE ONTO SOMETHING THERE, LITTLE HUMAN FRIEND!"

    My head hurts. I am going to bed.

    Liz

     

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