March Letters!

OK, so here goes. . . .

Mine: The boring teacher--Ger, Becks, Dunc, & I have been doing a contest 2 C who can pass the most notez when he's not lookin' @ us. I think Becks has the lead.

It's true that U can't take drama class if U're grade 9, but U can B in drama club, like Dunc is. But the thing is, Becks likes A Midsummer Night's Dream more than she likes MacBeth, & plus she doesn't like Mr. Mirabell, the advisor 4 drama club. @ least neither the drama class nor the drama club is using a Mike Patterson "adaptation" of Shakespeare, LOL.

OK, here'z sumthing I hafta explain:

Beckers and I chat online sometimes; it's not the same between us anymore, but IM is less personal than phone calls and I don't have to disguise my voice if I'm annoyed at her. I don't know if we'll ever be friends again...sometimes it feels like we're just being silly, but then I'm afraid to get friendly with her in case she starts acting like a jerk.

Yeah, IM. Cuz, like we still don't want Mom 2 know abt this blog, eh? & the rest. What I really wrote was that our friendship wasn't xactly the same as the way it was B4 Becks left 4Evah, but it was hard 2 xplain the wayz it's diff now. I wrote that I'm not sure whether our friendship will change back, or even if we'd want it 2, cuz it's not so simple as thingz were better B4. They're diff. Like I say, it's hard 2 xplain. I actually put a buncha thot in2 that passage abt our friendship changing, but Mom had 2 take her fat fingerz & make it all like "I don't know if we'll ever be friends again" & being all afraid of her "acting like a jerk." & not needing 2 "disguise my voice if I'm annoyed at her." Now, I'm not tryin' 2 say we never get annoyed @ ea other, but it goez 2 ways, & sumtymez I can B a jerk (not that I mean 2, it just happs sumtymez, cuz from being human & all).

Shannon, I've actually gotten 2 know a bit better after that whole weird yrbook meeting where we found out that Hi Perspastick had, like, purposely gotten the other SN kidz 2 not like her so she'd B xtra needy & B xtra gr8ful 2 get attention fr. a "perfect Patterson" (::puke::). So, she'z now gotten pretty tite w/sum of the other SN students & a few mainstream kidz thru yrbook 2. But I wasn't even goin' 2 get in2 all that, cuz I didn't wanna make thingz look like "I'm a Patterson doin' her a favour," IYKWIM, but Mom was all hovering & "write sumthing abt that nicespecialneedsgirl U R friendz with." & so I did. Sorry, Shan.

Paul, well, obvs I know more abt him & Liz than I let on w/the letter, but that's thru this blog, so again, keeping mom ignorant of that deet.

Liz's letter: So, like, sorry abt that "code" of yrs. Being sick really sux!

OK, Liz, so once again U're being all, "The student population gets a little thin at this time of year; kids take time away from school to tend to their elders or to take care of the winter work that needs doing in remote areas like this one." Don't get mad @ me 4 asking, but is there NE time of year when the student population doesn't get "a little thin" fr. kidz taking time away fr. school? Cuz, again, I remember U saying pretty much the same stuff abt the warm weather.

Girlz teasing Liz abt Paul & asking abt marriage. That's pretty cube that Liz wants the girlz 2 understand they don't hafta marry yung. Liz, did Mom give U NE grief abt that, BTW?

OK, so Liz sez abt Paul: "He's a great person, and I see this relationship becoming serious. If he gets transferred to Spruce Narrows, we'll be that much closer together. I'm looking forward to it!" Liz, I think in Paul's mind, yr relationship is already serious. Cuz peeps don't go requesting a job transfer over non-serious relationships!

Heh, Liz, I think we @ ARB know all abt yr non-verbal communication w/Shiims, but I guess U don't wanna freak out Mom, eh?

Mom's letter: OMG, peeps, if U think Mom & Dad R boring U 2 death now w/their planz 4 that vacation 2 Mexico, w8 until they tell U allllll abt it after (or during). U will wanna shoot yrself. Or them. Blahblahblah, warm weather, blahblahblah, Baja, Mexico. & mayB Mom will once again give sum mariachi guy the privilege of playing sum traditional song he likez insteada "La Bamba" so she can feel all self-righteous. Again.

Slowly easing in2 retirement? Yes, I think we all get that. Slow, slow, slow. Yeah I'll keep working @ the bookstore if I want! LOL!!! & poor Mira, demonized again, just cuz she loves her grandchildren & dotes on them. But no, Mom hasta undo the "spoiling". As if Merrie & Robin want her undoing that. & notice how she threw in all that stuff abt spending time w/me? That's totally cuz peeps have been on her case 4 sounding like she 4got abt me in last month's letter & conversations w/Dad & otherz abt retiring. LOL! Now she wants 2 sound like she givez a shizzle!

Hey, Ger, did U know U R a member of "opposite...sex!!!" LOL! Just luvvin' the random ellipse, Rn't U?

Oh, & ppl have also been giving Mom & Dad grief w/"What abt April & university? Have U 4gotten U're not done w/her yet?" So Mom thru 2gether this little passage: "It feels strange to be contemplating retirement while we still have a child in the house; her college fund is taken care of at least, which is one of the benefits of being a late-life baby - her father and I have had enough time to learn about responsible money management and investing." Yeah, Mom especially wants ppl 2 think that since she has sum weird endorsement dealio w/a bank 4 their financial-planning programme, LOL!

Oh, Liz, I cdn't help laffing when I read "Liz tells me next to nothing about her relationship with her new boyfriend, but I've seen some of the snapshots that she emails April, so I know they enjoy snowshoeing and hiking by the lake." If only she knew about the whole hiking thing, eh? "By the LAKE? That's terrible information!"

OMG, did Mom actually put sum criticism of Michael in there? "I hope he slows down soon; he's going to miss some major milestones in his children's lives if he doesn't extricate himself once in a while!" ::gasp:: Of course, she pretty well praises Dee 4 putting up w/his crap tho supposedly also 4 making sure stuff is gonna change, sumday. Ha.

Oh, & here's a good one: "Speaking of cookies, I'm cleaning off a bag of them as I write. A bad thing. But I'll soon be walking off the bulge on the beach and swimming in the sea." Rite, like a few strolls by the water & flaily splashez R gonna make a diff 2 her rollz o' fat!

Dad's letter: Boring stuff abt the vacation. Boring stuff abt Mom retiring, selling the store. Oh, & the bit abt me staying @ home w/Connie babysitting me @ nite. Heh, well, we won't tell him our real planz, will we, Liz? ::wink::

More boring stuff abt selling his st00pid car. Dad, no1 carez, sell it already so U can stop telling every1 abt it. Jeremy, I have a feeling Dad mite B taking U 4 another testdrive, eh?

Oh, & check this: "Now that I'm working four days a week, and Everett, my associate, is taking on more and more as he gains some experience, I notice he has very good judgment and a wonderful way with people, both clients and staff." Sum1 reminded Dad of his associate's actual name! Not only that, but the name's also been corrected in his letter from last month! Go, Steph (web designer who helps my mom)!

"Here I am at retirement age!" Wha? Dad's 57. I thought "retirement age" was, like, mid-60s. Y R Mom & Dad in such a rush 2 get old. Speaking of which, Dad, like suddenly remembered he haz parents, & also that they have health probs & will die sumday. Just like how Grampa Jim will die sumday. Get old, die, U know the drill.

Mike's letter: It totally soundz like Mike wants a medal cuz, like, on one night, he pulled his arse outta that attic, came downstairz, & played w/the kidz 4 a while so Dee cd have a relaxing bath. Unlike most nites, when she totally hasta w8 until after they're deeply asleep so she can finally take, like, a s00per-d00per quickie shower all the while listening in case sum1 wakes up crying. Cuz if that happed, Mr. "Delicate Genius" up the attic wd never hear a thing.

& then Mike turnz his talk abt his kidz in2 an xcuse 2 go on & on abt himself & how thingz were when he & Liz were little. I will let Liz tell U whether she rememberz thingz a bit differently, eh?

& then his life @ Portrait magazine. It grinds on. Oh, poor thing, with yr coveted editor-in-chief positon that fell in2 yr lap. But U R one of the cool "disgruntled" kidz. W/all the side projects he & his "disgruntled" friendz do, it's no wonder the mag'z going down the toilet. I wdn't blame their publisher if he totally cleaned house & got sum writerz & editorz who, like, appreciate their jobs.

Hm, so one day Mike will give Dee a life in a house like Mom & Dad's that even has a workshop like Dad does. A workshop? Since when is Mike a "workshop" kinda guy. Oh, I C, he was 'tending. In other words, don't hold yr breath, Dee!

Oh, & Mike's all "Remember the environment and think green." This from sum1 who was all asking if global warming is political hot air? Please!

Deanna's letter: Ooh, more advice from "Ask a Pharmacist"! Dee sez she's thinking of doing a column, peeps!

OK, so confused abt the Kelpfroths. What happed 2 the eviction notice that Lovey served? She was all, well, all they hafta do is stop the smoking & fix the damagez. But obvs they haven't stopped the smoking, so Y is Dee being all "I guess it's easier to avoid confrontation than to evict the culprits." What, what, what?

"Mike is still working his inhuman hours to make the dream happen sooner, and with my job being full-time our finances are coming together nicely. We're sticking it out as long as we can here, though, because the bigger the down payment we can save, the easier we'll have it in the long run." OK, but U must have a good chunk saved by now. It's not like the old dayz when U needed 20%, or so I've heard fr. Nancy-Sue Shelmanella's Mom, the realtor. 5%, peeps!

Merrie is gonna start sk8ing lessons. Then swimming in the summer. OK, soundz like fun. Will Mike ever join in? Oh, rite, that's the fun stuff, so prolly. @ least until Merrie's all crying cuz she has a boo-boo. Then it'll B hand-off-2-Mom tyme.

Gramps/Iris's letter: Aches an' pains, jamming; Iris, Mom, & Dixie & I R Gramps's favourite girlz. Ohhhhhhhkay. Iris--more aches an' pains, special tubz.

Library. Books w/large print. That's all.

Pets' letter: Not much 2 say abt this, xcept I've purposely spent more time w/Dunc's cats 2 help me get ready 2 meet Shiimsa. I wanna understand 'em better. The letter only mentions one of Dunc's cats, the fat one, whose name is actually Falstaff. The other, not-fat kitty, that's Faustus. I'd mentioned both cats in the letter, but sumhow Faustus got the shaft in Mom's final edit. MayB she's afraid of plays by Christopher Marlowe, eh?