Liz e-mails. . . .
Liz sent an e-mail 2 me, Mom, & Dad. I didn't get 2 read the whole thing cuz my computer crashed B4 I finished & then I had 2 rush off 2 school. But as I remember it, Liz was telling us abt this chick Susan, the student teacher they've got visiting this week. She'z there 4 experience teaching in a place like Mtig, & she reminds Liz of herself when she did her 1st round of practice teaching. In other words, Liz feels like she'z "in over her head!" I think there's supposta B a joke in there sumwhere, but I don't C it. In other news, it's cold & Liz is tired of winter.
Ger's coming over after school 2day 2 study our "history of the English language" stuff. His notes R more complete than mine!
Apes
Ger's coming over after school 2day 2 study our "history of the English language" stuff. His notes R more complete than mine!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:33 AM
20 Comments:
At 12:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your sister and the student teacher, Susan and your confusion over the phrase “in over her head.” As you know, your sister and I not only email every day; and I write her letters, but we also chat on the phone every night. Sometimes, during the phone conversations I have to ask her about her e-mail letters, particularly about things like “in over her head.” Your sister explains that she was making a joke about the way it looked when the student teacher was sitting down and the students were standing up to ask her questions. The students were taller standing up than the student teacher sitting down. That was the visual joke that went along with “in over her head.” Your sister is very funny.
Your sister really likes it when I ask these questions, because she says it shows I am open and honest. I guess she has known people who wouldn’t ask those kinds of questions when she wrote about visual jokes without explaining them.
There was something interesting that happened to me, the last time I went back to Otter County from visiting your sister in Mtigwaki. I think I told you that it used to be a long drive, then one day last month it ended up being a quick drive. But the last time I went back, it took only a few hours to drive it, and that was with snow on the roads. The way things are going, I won’t need a transfer to Spruce Narrows. Soon Otter County and Spruce Narrows will be in the same place. I am joking, of course. I think.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 1:01 PM,
April Patterson said…
paul, thanx 4 xplaining about the "joke". i thot it mite b sumthing like that, but of course i wdn't know w/out seeing the "visual" part.
i know what u mean abt distances changing. when i was v. yung, i remember a drive out 2 toronto wd take like 1.5 hrs. a coupla yrs ago, it changed 2 an hr, & now it's only 45 minutes. eventually, i guess we'll b rite in downtown to, eh?
apes
At 1:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, scary morning. i nevah noticed how many station wagonz there r n m-boro till 2day. wen i wuz goin’ 2 skool, there seemed 2b a station wagon on every street. it’s funny how u don’t notice thingz like that unless ur lukin’ 4 it.
i decided i wud try 2 spot zandra larson 2day, since duncan keeps talkin’ ‘bout her. i wuz lookin’ 4 z-girls that were v. tall, v. thin, w/long black hair, black clothes, black nail polish, big silver jewlry, w/no tats or piercingz & always muttering “st00pid, st00pid, st00pid.” i nevah noticed how many girlz r like that n our skool till 2day.
we had a student teacher start w/us this week n english. she remindz me of myself wen i had my 1st class w/our crayzee english teach. she wuz sayin’, “u wunt me 2 organize all ur teachin’ materialz n 1 day, while teachin’ ur class?!” she looked like she wuz n ovah her head. i know just how she feelz. that assignment our crayzee english teach gave us 2day is killah.
At 1:17 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, i know, i can't believe we hafta memorize the "great vowel shift" AND "the great consonant shift"! i think our english teacher must h8 us!
apes
At 1:22 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, i think u mighta lost sum of yr memory since monday cuz u wrote this on monday:
april, zandra larson came up 2 me @skool & sed, “ur hand, ur tongue; look like the innocent flower, but b the serpent under ‘t. was the hope drunk wherein you dress’d urself?” i think she wuz sayin’ sumthin’ ‘bout my clothez, but i’m not sure.
i think she was, like, learning her "lady macbeth" linez 4 that play she & dunc r both in.
apes
At 2:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, ur rite. she did do that on monday & i remembah askin' sum1 who that wuz & they sed, "zandra larson." i wish i had paid bettah attention 2 if she had sum kinda distinguishing featurez @the time. the z-girls look all alike 2 me. i guess i cud lissen 4 "lady macbeth" linez.
At 2:43 PM,
April Patterson said…
u cd go 2 a drama club mtg w/dunc, like 2 have him introduce u 2 mr. mirabell 2 talk abt sound, & then u'd figure it out fr. zandra doing the lady m. linez.
apes
At 3:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, ru kiddin'? have u read wut duncan iz postin' 'bout that drama club? if i go there, i will end up doin' linez. i am not n ne hurry. i'll figger it out eventually w/o havin' 2 get n2 tites.
At 3:24 PM,
howard said…
April,
I had an interesting run-in with your mom at Sugar’s hair salon today. She came in wanted to get her hair done (i.e. bun tightened) before her trip to Baja, Mexico. She was telling me, “Well, Howard, it's easy to get into the habit of leaving Canada for warmer climes, especially at this time of year. A few weeks on the beach, and John and I will be refreshed and ready to return to frozen Milborough.” I said, “It sounds like a great trip. How long will you be gone?” Your mom said, “A few weeks.” I said, “You don’t have a definite time?” Your mom said, “It’s hard to predict. Back in 2004, John and I planned to spend 2 weeks in Cancun , Mexico, but ended up staying for almost 5 weeks. It’s better just to say a few weeks. That leaves room for uncertainty.” I said, “So you must really like Mexico.” Your mother said, “Well, when John and I started planning for our retirement, we thought China interested us, as did South America and Europe. John wanted to go on a cruise. But I pointed out to John that there were still some beaches in Mexico we hadn’t explored yet. Baja will be off the Gulf of California, whereas Cancun was off the Gulf of Mexico. There’s no reason to go to some other country, when there are good North American spots we can go.” I said, “I hear Mexico is lovely this time of year.” Your mother said, “Yes it is, and I know at least this time, I won’t come back and find that Moira has gone mad firing people while I was on vacation.” I said, “You won’t?” Your mother said, “Yes, because Moira is eventually buying the bookstore and if she fires anyone, I will know she is not entirely ready to take over ownership.” I said, “What do you mean? I thought once you bought the bookstore, you took over ownership.” Your mom said, “Oh no, Howard. I don’t want Moira to be a failure, to destroy the landmark I have created. She is not entirely ready until has fully mastered certain systems and aspects of our record-keeping. I'll gradually phase myself out and then when I am no longer needed, Moira will be ready.” I said, “It sounds like a long process.” Your mother said, “It is. It is. That’s a good spot. Stay right there, Howard.” Then the usual noises.
I thought you might be interested in hearing that story.
Howard K.
At 3:33 PM,
April Patterson said…
hm. howard, mayB i can convince moira 2 fire me, eh? that wd make sure i get my afternoons off & wd also show off mom. cd b fun. lol.
apes
At 3:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
Pater says to tell you that Liz needs a lot of therapy. The fact that she is withholding her answers to a number of his questions confirms his anal retentive personality diagnosis. This means that your mother deeply scarred Liz during toilet training. Because she has lived with these scars for more than 20 years, he thinks it will take at least 10 years of twice-weekly analysis to cure it.
He says he's never seen a sloppy anal retentive before, but those pictures you showed me of her apartment confirmed it. Dad wrote down "sluttish housekeeper" on his form. I asked him what Liz being a slut had to do with it, but he says that "slut" can also mean "slovenly woman." I thought this was very funny since Liz gets mad whenever Becky calls her a slut. Now we can call her a slut and we have photographic evidence that it's true!
Liz is a slut! Slut slut slut!
Sincerely yours, Gerald
P.S.--I hope the above wordplay is Pattersonian enough. I know it's not quite a pun, but I'm learning.
At 3:47 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, u don't hafta aspire 2 patterson punning. y do u never believe me when i tell u that?
don't 4get yr notes when u come over, k? i think i have good charts 4 the "shift" stuff, but i need help filling in gaps fr. that day when u were lookin' xtra-specially cute & i was getting all distracto.
becks, i'll im as soon as ger & i r thru studying!
apes
p.s. hm, it's soundz like moira mite not need v. much convincing 2 fire me!
At 3:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
Gerald,
Please stop talking about me. I am none of your business. It is wrong for people to talk about me or speculate about my life. I don't want you to do it. It's not normal for people to be interested in other peoples' lives. Even if those people are in your family or are your close friends, they shouldn't pry. Prying is wrong. Unless you are a Native child who is simply curious and cannot restrain him/herself from following and spying on the teacher at all times. Then it is not exactly right, but understandable. Also, I kind of like being the center of attention like that, so I leave my drapes open for the little rascals. Maybe it sends a mixed message, but my ego likes a little boost now and then.
What was I saying again? Oh, right--stop talking about me!
Liz
At 3:53 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your town moving closer to Toronto. Your sister had mentioned that when she was younger, Milborough was much farther away. I would like to visit Milborough someday to meet you and the rest of your family. It would be different to walk the streets there than when I take walks in Mtigwaki with your sister. In Mtigwaki, there is so little for children to do. The little girls your sister teaches follow us around town, giggling and singing barely-audible songs when they think we're out of earshot. I have heard them sing the traditional Anishinabe songs Wioste Olowan (Love Song) and The Naked Bear. However, these little girls seem to know a lot about the world, I have also heard versions of I’m ‘N Luv Wit A Stripper by T-Pain reworked as I’m ‘N Luv Wit A Teacher and Stupid Girls by Pink. I think I would have more privacy walking with your sister in Milborough.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 4:10 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger's writing up sum flashcards on the great vowel shift & the great consonant shift. our english teacher must really, really h8 us.
apes
At 4:32 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I don’t give orgasms. That is so crude. I give shamp-Ohs. If an orgasm happens to occur during my time of bringing new life to the scalp and follicles of a lady, then that’s just a sign my technique is working and is having a positive effect. Just the other day, April’s step-grandmother Iris was in the salon, and she said that a shamp-Oh was helping her out with her sciatica. She said was better than a large bathtub, a large print bodice ripper and a mug of something hot.
I know the idea of my giving April’s mom a shamp-Oh may make you sick, but surely you can see the positive effects. April says she has been talking about retiring and selling her bookstore for over 3 years. She got a shamp-Oh and now she is planning to sell. It used to be that April’s mom had forgotten she existed, except to call her Martian or creature. But this month, April’s mom is talking about spending more time with her and has even remembered that April is planning to go to university. These are major improvements, and I think it is due to the shamp-Oh. I know you have had problems with April’s mom in the past, but it is not good to keep your hair so tightly in a bun for year after year. Every once in awhile you need to take the hair down and get some good follicular stimulation. Wouldn’t you agree?
Howard K.
At 4:36 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, can i copy thoze flashcardz? that wud rilly help me.
also, i know ur dad iz only workin' 4 dayz a week. wuz 2day 1 of the dayz? i have not been takin' my usual paths around m-boro, but i keep on c-ing station wagonz. just wonderin' if i am startin' 2 go nuts.
At 4:46 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, yeah, i think he worx 2day. & u r welcome 2 copy the flashcardz. ger is v. gd @ making flashcardz.
howard, u r rite abt thoze changez in my mom. & i'd think having a v. tite bun all the time wd cause, like, tension headaches.
apes
At 5:22 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, wow, dr. ted's such a huge arsehole! u've been working yr butt off 2 bring up yr math grade. that "social promotion" comment is so mean and untrue! what a shizzhead!
apes
At 10:15 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
With respect to your question:
if shamp-ohs ren't orgasms, then how come the boys make a mess when u do it 2 them?
Sugar specifically does not allow boys to have shamp-Ohs or men either, precisely for that reason. I think in a logical sense you could say a shamp-Oh includes an orgasm, but an orgasm does not necessarily include a shamp-Oh. I don’t like to think of it as sexual though. I prefer to think of it as a woman getting a release from the tension contained in her scalp.
As for the incident in the principal’s office today, I did get an unexpected invitation to participate in that. Krystle came by the salon looking for me and carrying my Mrs. Batsize costume with her. She said, “I need you to keep Dr. McCauley and Becky’s dad under control in our parent / teacher conference over Becky’s incomplete from last semester.” I said, “This is insane. Why is Dr. McCauley even there?” Krystle said, “He’s Becky’s future step-dad.” I reluctantly agreed and went with Krystle to the principal’s office.
When we got there, the principal was not there yet. The secretary told us to sit in his office to wait. Dr. McCauley arrived shortly afterwards and he looked irritated. This is what happened:
Dr. McCauley: I don’t know why I have to be here. I am not officially the little tramp’s step-dad you know.
Krystle: But you will be soon. My divorce will be final in the summer. So it’s good to be involved in Becky’s life now.
Me: Little tramp. Goodness, sir. I hope you are speaking about that dear Charlie Chaplin character and not the young miss.
Dr. McCauley: Yes, mom. It was Chaplin.
{At this point, Thorvald and Thora enter}
Thorvald spots me and says: By Odin’s one good eye, are you still wearing that outfit?
Me: I think I look good in small flowers.
Dr. McCauley: Hey! Don’t insult my mother, you Nordic numbskull.
Thorvald: Is that an insult?
Krystle: It didn’t sound like one.
Thorvald: I guess not. My head is numb in certain places. Hey, Howie. Did you hear my Thora is now bearing a small Viking börn.
Me: My congratulations to you, sir.
Thora: Thanks and takk. I am so happy to be having a nice Viking boy.
Dr. McCauley: You’re pregnant? The Nordic numbskull isn’t even divorced officially from Krystle yet.
Thorvald: Is that an insult? No wait. That’s the same thing you said before.
Krystle: Thora, you remind me of myself when I did my first round of marriage to Thorvald. You must feel like you’re “in over your head.”
Thora: No. It feels like destiny.
Everyone: Eh?
Then the principal and Mrs. Henry Huggins arrived and Becky shortly thereafter. Becky told you that part up to the point where I was trying to get the axe away from Thorvald. This is what happened after that point:
Me: Put that axe down before you hurt someone.
Dr. McCauley: Get him, mom!
Thorvald: I have endured the insults from that son of a Ragr for too long. I must have my vengeance.
Becky: Dad. Stop it. You don’t want to go back to jail.
Principal: Get out of my way. I’m calling 911.
Thora: By Thor’s mighty hammer, Mjolnir, you will not make that call. {hurls herself at the principal}
Krystle: What are you doing? Do you want to lose that baby?
Mrs. Huggins: What did I do to deserve this? I try to live a quiet life.
Me: Do you want to raise your son from jail?
Dr. McCauley: Way to go, mom! You tell him!
Thorvald: My son would not respect a father who did not stand up for his daughter.
Becky: Dad. Stop it. I don’t care if Dr. Ted thinks I don’t deserve to pass. It doesn’t matter what he says. I don’t want you back in jail.
Principal: What are you made of? Brick? Get off me!
Thora: I will remain here, as steadfast as Heimdall guarding the Rainbow Bridge to Asgard until my Thorvald has meted out his justice.
Krystle: Are you crazy? Thorvald, if you want an uncontested divorce, you better not lay a hand on Ted.
Mrs. Huggins: R.P. Boire used to be a safe place to work, where the worst thing you had to worry about was the occasional shadow student. Now look at it. Vikings with axes. It’s just shameful.
Me: I have had enough of this. You will not wreck Becky’s chance to get her school records straight. She has worked too hard for you to mess it up. {Biting Thorvald}
Dr. McCauley: Go, mom, go. Goooooo, mom! Bite him again. Bite him again. Harder. Harder.
Thorvald: {Dropping axe.} Ouch! That’s not fair. You are like Fenric, the wolf monster son of Loki., trying to bite off my hand like Fenric did to Tyr.
Becky: {Picking up axe} Dad. Cool down. Howie just did what he had to keep you from screwing up any more.
Principal: Will someone get this woman off me?
Thora: {Rushing to Thorvald.} Has that vile wolf injured you?
Thorvald: Nay, Thora. It is but a flesh wound. It is my Viking pride that has been wounded the most.
Mrs. Huggins: Where did this puddle come from? Oh. Excuse me.
Krystle: {To the principal} I am so sorry. Please don’t press charges. I need my divorce to go as scheduled.
Principal: Perhaps I could be persuaded.
Krystle: Ted, give the man what he wants.
Dr. McCauley: Me? Are you kidding? If anyone wants to stay out of trouble, it should be this Nordic numbskull paying the principal.
Thorvald: A Viking warrior defeated in battle does not pay to prevent it from being known. I must bear my shame.
Krystle: Ted, if Thorvald is doing jail time, it will throw off my divorce and our wedding plans.
Dr. McCauley: No offence Krystle, but you don’t have a clear understanding of divorce law.
Krystle: I guess I will be paying you myself. The things I do for love and marriage.
The rest of it is pretty boring. I decided to stay behind to help clean up the principal’s office; particularly Mrs. Huggins’ puddle. It was a small price to pay for Becky’s return to good academic standing.
Howard K.
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