April's Real Blog: Sorry, Paul. . . .

Friday, March 10, 2006

Sorry, Paul. . . .

So, yesterday, I was tellin' U all abt how I was in a crummy mood on Wednesday? & yesterday, Paul was gr8ful that after having dun a post on breakfast this week & a post on lunch also, that I didn't do 1 abt dinner when I wrote yesterday's entry. But now I'm abt 2, sort of, sorry, Paul.

Back 2 Wednesday. When I got home that day, Connie was, all, "Welcome home! I've got dinner on!" Then, she asked, "Is everything OK? Is sumthing bothering U?" I was kicking my footwear off just then & noticing my socks were white again. I haven't mentioned this yet, but another weird thing this week, besides my hair w/its springing back in2 the st00pid prop bun on its own? My socks have been, like, changing colour! White. Black. White. Black. No wonder I'm on edge! NEhoodles, Connie was consulting this note Mom had left her, titled "Care & Feeding of My Whiny-Baby Martian Teenangster", & saying, "Look. I'm not yr baby sitter, OK? Yr Mom & Dad asked me 2 stay here while they're away. That's all." I kinda banged my head on the wall just then. Next, she sed, "We both know U're mature enuf 2 B on yr own, so just put up with me 4 their sake. ...Deal?" & I sed, "Deal." Then, while eating (look away, Paul!) dinner, I thot, "The thingz I do 4 my parents!" But by then, so much time had lapsed that I wasn't thinking abt Connie NEmore. I was thinking abt sumthing else entirely. What was it? Prolly sumthing abt bad hair & changing-colour sox.

U know, this morning, I tried a lil xperiment. I was in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, tho not poking @ my reflection (lirpA). & I sed out loud (it's crazy, but so is my self-bunning hair): "OK, hair, I'm NOT gonna do NEthing 2 U. U're just gonna hang loose & free like this." ("This" was down, flowy, cute.) Then, weirdest thing. I cda sworn I heard this cackly laffter, like a wicked witch in a movie wd do. & next thing U know, my hair whipped itself up & back, & pins flew up & in2 it, forming that idiotic propellor bun U R alwayz seeing me wear l8ly. If not 4 all the other weird thingz I've seen in my life, I think I wda fainted!

Ger, of course I remember the "ice cream d8" @ Mr. Singh's, w/the Neapolitan ice cream. I thot U were referring 2 the Napolean d8 when we got pastriez. Both were v. special 2 me. But neither is what foax R talking abt when they're talkin' abt sum1 being Napolied.

Apes

16 Comments:

At 10:19 AM, howard said…

April,

Your story about what your hair is so freaky. You need to get to Sugar’s salon the first chance you get to see what she can do with it. Your story about your socks is freaky too. The last time I saw you, I think I saw the black socks and I must have mistaken them for tall black galoshes. Any problems with your hands today?

On Vicki Simone’s recommendation, Becky and I went to see her boyfriend Gordie’s uncle Ferdinand at the Stagger Inn, the new bar down the street from the Roller-Rama. Ferdinand had told Gordie to tell Vicki to tell me, if I went there he would buy me and my date a round of drinks. We got dinner there and then we went skating at the Roller-Rama afterwards. I got to show Becky my skating moves and also my cute, little skating dress. Becky said, “Howard, if you are going to wear a dress like that, you have to shave.” I said, “But if I shave, my legs will get cold.”

Ferdinand was not quite the easy-going guy I remembered, and he was a little surprised to see Becky. He said, “You’re going out with underage girls, Howard? I didn’t think you were that type. You’re not planning to Napoli her are you?” I said, “Ferdinand. That’s a pretty disgusting question. I would never Napoli anyone.” Ferdinand said, “Sorry, Howard. Asking people about being Napolied is just the trendy thing to do these days. So, are you two romantically involved?” Becky said, “No, you creep. Howie is my bud, not my lover.” Ferdinand said, “So you’re baby-sitting, are you Howard?” I said, “Ferdinand, I think your Easy Spirit shoes are affecting your brain. No, Becky’s parents are out on vacation this week and I am her temporary guardian. I am not her baby sitter, OK. She’s mature enough to be on her own. She just puts up with me for her parent’s sake.” Ferdinand said, “OK. OK. Howard. I don’t need a lecture.” Becky said to me, “I don’t just put up with you. You’re my bud.” I said, “I know. I won’t say that again, deal?” Becky said, “Deal.”

That was our evening. Be sure to come to the salon.

Howard K.
At 11:06 AM, April Patterson said…

howard, i will b @ the salon @ 3:30. pls wish me luck. so far, my handz seem pretty normal 2 me.

apes
At 11:54 AM, Anonymous said…

I'm scared, so scared!

Remember the yearbook meeting where we learned that Cameron Mitchell was a narc and Hi Perspastick had been involved w/a group called SNEP meant to make the special-needs kidz seem pathetic & make shannon xtra needy? And how the Johnston Institute and the "Witch of Corbeil" had a link to the plan? Well, I was so pissed about the evilness of it all that I started doing some research into the Johnston Institute and "She Who Must Not Be Named." I got involved with an online community call The Corbeilverse, where people post every day and work together to analyze and combat the dark forces coming out of Northern Ontario and affecting our everyday lives here in Mborough.

I think we must have been close to finding out some deep stuff, people! One day I was posting to the comm and suddenly my monitor went dark, and in white letters, word by word, I saw this typed out: "YOU ARE VERY, VERY WARM. TOO WARM. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!" It's true. We'd been getting anonymous posts at the Corbeilverse warning us to "back away, you are too close!" But we ignored them, saying every comm gets its trolls. So the text on my screen continued: "YOU ARE GOING TO BE ERASED! DON'T WORRY, IT WON'T HURT. MUCH!" Then, guess what? My computer started to fade, and then it was gone. Then one by one, other objects in my room started to do the same thing. I held my hand up in front of my face, and I could see through it!

I yelled, "Mom! Something awful is happening!" I ran downstairs, and right before I saw my mother vanish from before my eyes, I saw her looking at me like I was a complete stranger. The same exact thing happened with my dad in the next room. Then my house went "Poof!" Gone! I tried yelling to our next-door neighbour, Verna, who was out front, but she didn't seem to see or hear me. I tried waving my hand in front of my face, but I didn't see anything. I tried looking down at my feet. Nothing. I was able to pass through Verna's wall and found myself in her foyer, where she has a mirror. I looked, and I had NO REFLECTION!!!

I tried to pick up an object to throw it at the mirror and get someone to notice me. But I couldn't pick anything up. Like I had no material existence anymore.

You might be wondering how I'm even writing this post. I'm not sure. I think, somehow, I exist only in the computer of Steph, the web designer who helps April's mother and who also works up at the JiFBL up in Corbeil. I think, somehow, I only exist as a series of zeroes and ones. And even that might be erased if the Corbeil folks see fit.

You might have forgotten me by now, April and April's other friends. If you haven't forgotten me yet, you might soon. Or maybe on a whim, I might be brought back. It's hard to tell. But please, whatever you do, don't cross you-know-who!

Eva
At 1:57 PM, Anne said…

That's heavy, Eva! Does NE1 have NE ideas on how we can make her a real person again? I'm so glad I wasn't born n Milborough, tho that's no guarantee that I'll b spared the curse.

Howard, sorry about Ferdinand being a grump. I told Gordie about your & Becks' nite out, & Gordie sed Ferdinand is freaking bcause the weather's getting warmer so he has 2 get n shape 4 swimsuit season, which has been xtra difficult this week w/Apes' mom being outta town. See, Mrs. McGuire's pastry shop has a lot more sweets since Mrs. P. isn't here 2 shove them n2 her piehole. Whoa, that almost sounded dirty.

NEway, Ferdinand's sad about being xtra doughy, and the Easy Spirit pumps r the only shoes that fit rite now. The only women's shoes, of course. Then 2 cheer himself up he eats lotsa eclairs, French silk pies & chocolate chip muffins. So it's a vicious cycle.

Plus, he's still burned from last summer when him & his boyfriend were @ the pool, & his boyfriend was checking out other guys behind his sunglasses. Ferdinand sed he caught him scoping out other doods by just using his eyes, & his boyfriend asked if he'd rather he gawked @ them. So they had a fite & broke up, & Ferdinand keeps resolving 2 use his new treadmill. It has attached earphones & an iPod holder, like my mom's. He just gets so tired after being on his feet all evening & wants 2 sleep n the next day. So I hope that kinda explains why Ferdinand had an attitude. He just needs some positive reinforcement, according to Mrs. D.

Vicks
At 3:36 PM, Anonymous said…

Dear friend Becky,

I'm already over here at the Valhalla, enjoying a cool beverage with my friend Thorvald. See you when you get here!

Sincerely, Gerald

P.S.--We have a cooler full of Napolis, or as my sweet April flower tells me to call them, Neapolitan ice cream bars.
At 3:40 PM, Anonymous said…

April,

This morning, Shiimsa told me that she doesn't think I should get married, ever. She agrees that it would set a bad example for the children of Mtigwaki. Also, she says that she does not want to have to share my attention with "the Mountie." When I pointed out to her that I already spend some of my attention on Paul, Shiimsa said this:

PLEASE! I KNOW THAT! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM--STUPID? BUT AT LEAST HE'S ONLY HERE ON HIS DAYS OFF. IF YOU GOT MARRIED TO HIM, HE'D BE HERE ALL THE TIME. AND HE'D PROBABLY THINK HE WAS ENTITLED TO MY SIDE OF THE BED. NO, IT'S SPINSTERHOOD FOR YOU, TOOTS. THANK YOU.

I guess I don't have any choice but to obey her, right?

Liz
At 3:46 PM, April Patterson said…

eva. eva, eva, eva. it's like i know that i know sum1 called eva, but sumthing's blocking the part of my brain that knowz who she is.

i'm @ the salon. howard just washed my hair & rushed out cuz he'z gonna meet becky @ the valhalla. sugar & marjee r having a consultation over my hair.

apes
At 3:48 PM, April Patterson said…

liz, i think u have 2 obey yrself.

apes
At 3:57 PM, Anonymous said…

PLEASE APRIL, KEEP YOUR STUPID OPINIONS TO YOURSELF. I WOULD HATE TO BE FORCED TO RIP YOUR THROAT OUT AND WALLOW IN YOUR BLOOD AS IT SPURTS FROM YOUR SEVERED ARTERIES. THANK YOU.

ANGRA MAINYU
At 4:02 PM, April Patterson said…

hm, liz, i guess u r prolly abt 2 post & say angra-psycho has such a cute, quirky sense of humour, eh?

i m w8ing 2 c if the chemical relaxerz help w/my hair sitch wish me luck!

apes
At 4:24 PM, Anonymous said…

April,

Of course not! In keeping with her niceness lessons, I held Shiimsa in my lap and reviewed her post to you line-by-line. We talked about why other people might find it more offensive than amusing. We also discussed how saying "please" and "thank you" does not negate rude and/or otherwise offensive remarks made in between. Shiimsa promised to practice phrasing her thoughts in a friendlier way. Then we practiced. For example:

KEEP YOUR STUPID OPINIONS TO YOURSELF

became

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS

and

I WOULD HATE TO BE FORCED TO RIP YOUR THROAT OUT, etc.

became

OR I WILL HAVE TO TAKE REMEDIAL ACTION.

Of course, these are still blunt statements, but Jesse says it's important to put Shiimsa on a step-down program, so that she is weaned off of public displays of her edgy, in-your-face humor gradually. Shiimsa is learning to save that only for use around her friends, who understand and appreciate her true nature.

Liz
At 4:30 PM, Anonymous said…

Sugar says she's never seen anything like this, in 25 years as a hairdresser! We put our best relaxers in April's hair, and when we were through, her hair was super-straight like this. Sugar and I were sure nothing would move this hair, especially after we applied our strongest shellac-like hairspray over a heavy dose of pomade. Sugar tested this theory by turning a fan to April, on high speed. April nearly fell over, but her hair didn't budge.

But suddenly, the sky went dark, with heavy storm clouds, even though it had been clear. And we hear a clap of thunder and an ominous laugh, like "Yee-hee-hee-heeeeee!" Then April's hair stood straight up in the air, swept itself back, spun into that bad "propellor" bun, and a bunch of pins from Sugar's carts flew right in.

Sugar crossed herself and muttered a prayer in Dutch. I think I fainted. April just sort of whimpered. Sugar put her in a taxi to go home. At least the kids had a PA day today.

After that, Sugar closed the salon early.

Marjee
At 4:52 PM, April Patterson said…

becks, i'm on my way over. @ least i can get my mind off being doomed 2 ugly hair, eh? if i'm @ home, connie will b all trying 2 figure out what's bothering me & i don't think i can deal rite now.

liz, i guess that's progress. dunc sez he read shiimsa's comments abt paul 2 his cats, & that faustus wanted 2 pass this on 2 her:

ANGRA MAINYU, THERE ARE ADVANTAGES TO HAVING MULTIPLE TOOPIDS. AS YOU KNOW, THEY ARE NOT SMART, AND ANY ONE TOOPID CAN FORGET TO DO IMPORTANT THINGS, LIKE FEED YOU ON TIME OR BE ON HAND WHEN YOU NEED SOMETHING. HAVING MULTIPLE TOOPIDS MEANS YOU RAISE THE CHANCES OF HAVING SOMEONE TO DO YOUR BIDDING IN A TIMELY FASHION. ALSO, DIFFERENT TOOPIDS ARE GOOD FOR DIFFERENT THINGS. I FIND THAT WHILE FEMALE TOOPIDS ARE GOOD FOR CUDDLING AND AFFECTION, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A MALE TOOPID WHEN I WANNA RASSLE. --FAUSTUS

apes
At 6:31 PM, Anonymous said…

over here @the valhalla tryin’ 2 keep these peeps frum wreckin’ rebeccah’z career. i keep tryin’ 2 xxplain that there needz 2b sumthin’ @least a little modern ‘bout the musick. rebeccah’z dad & her uncle ralph r convinced rebeccah’s career path shud b 2 b-come the next gay icon & still appeal 2 the old foax who live n m-boro. but it’s hard 2 talk 2 peeps who r drunk on beer & neapolitan ice cream popsiclez. gigli says, “jer, u shud b glad rebeccah iz not gonna play 2 heterosexual young men, or u wud b out of a job.” rebeccah’z dad sayz, “well spoken young future sire of my grandchildren. that cud happen neway. my becky-thora needz a proper sound man & not sum lovesick 40-yr-old man.” i say, “i’m 14, ok? not 40. rite, april?” april sez, “jeremy duzn’t look a day ovah 24.” uncle ralph sez, “he luks oldah than me & i’m a m-boro gay guy.” then gerald, rebeccah’z dad & uncle ralph start laffin’. i dunno wut’s funny.

howard iz no help either. all he duz iz talk ‘bout interior design – the neo, modern, viking look he wunts 2 invent 4 the valhalla. april iz still freakin’ ‘bout her hair & she sez there iz sumthin’ she wunts 2 remembah ‘bout eva. i sed, “iz sumthin’ wrong w/eva?” april sed, “can u remembah eva? i don’t remembah wut she luks like.” i say, “black skin. blonde hair. green eyes. pretty ez 2 remembah.” april sez, “who r u talkin’ ‘bout?” i say, “eva. u just mentioned her.” rebeccah sed, “eva. who’z that?” i sed, “a girl @skool. she usedta sit w/april @lunch till april started grossing her out by spittin’ food wen she talks & eats @the same tyme.” april sed, “i do not.” rebeccah sed, “yeah. sorry apes. u do. just ask gerald.” gerald sed, “oh my little april flower. i do not wish 2 sully ur perfect reputation but i do hafta luk away frum ur beauty ovah the lunch table. y do u ask?” i said, “cuz eva duzn’t sit w/u guyz ovah lunch nemore cuz april grossed her out.” gigli sed, “eva who?” i sed, “jeez. not u2. y am i the only 1 who remembahz her.” april sed, “well sumtymez i have a hard tyme remembering u jeremy. b4 grade 8 grad, i had almost 4gotten u.” i sed, “thanx. just wut i wanna hear.” rebeccah sed, “actually me 2.” gigli sed, “well i had 4gotten u & w/anothah beer and neapolitan ice cream popsicle, i may do it again.” rebeccah’z dad sed, “good 1, future son-n-law.” rebeccah sed, “dad. i am not marryin’ gerald, no mattah how nordic & muscular & handsome he iz. he’z april’z bf.” april sed, “yeah. gerald’z mine, eh?” gigli sed, “thorvald, my friend. my little april flower iz rite. i have devoted much tyme & effort 2 cultivating the affectionz that can only b4 my april.” rebeccah’z dad sed, “hmmph. ru sayin’ my becky-thora iz not attractive 2u?” gigli sed, “no. ur becky-thora iz v.v. pretty, but i prefer my sweet april.” rebeccah’z dad sed, “u have much 2 learn ‘bout wimmen. but ur young & i will teach u.” that didn’t sound gud 2 me. i gotta convince rebeccah’s uncle ralph 2 put n sum modern sound cabling 4 this place. post l8er.
At 6:54 PM, April Patterson said…

soooo mbarrassing abt how i eat. i so hafta work on that.

jeremy's rite, becky's dad has been v. annoying abt trying 2 push gerald & becks 2gether, but @ least becks & ger have been v. cube in their answers 2 him.

eva. there'z sumthing abt that name. i h8 this feeling like part of my brain has been, like, partitioned off. it is sooo freaky!

apes
At 2:15 AM, Anonymous said…

april, a weird day got evn weirder wen i got home. i tried all day 2 convince rebeccah’z uncle ralph to run sum optical line 4 the valhalla, instead of standard sound & electrical cable. i think i finally convinced him, but who knowz. like everythin’ rebeccah’z dad duz, i think it will end n a disaster.

howard rilly got n2 the interior design stuff & drew all these pictures of the layout of all the roomz. his designz were way cube, but i cud tell rebeccah’z dad didn’t like them. he sed, “nouveau norse duz not pay proper respect to freya” or sum kinda nonsense like that. wut rebeccah’z dad wunts 2 do iz put sum animal heads on the walls & thass about it. like i sed, disaster.

neway, wen i wuz going home, the girl u don’t remembah, eva wuz walkin’ n downtown m-boro & she wuzn’t wearing a coat. so i sed, “eva. wassup? u look kinda cold.” eva sed, “u can c me?” i sed, “well, duh?” eva grabbed my arm & sed, “u can touch me?” i sed, “well, duh?” eva sed, “my mom & my whole house disappeared.” i sed, “ok” thinking she had gone a little shannon lake on me. i sed, “do u want me 2 help find ur mom?” eva sed, “no. i think she iz gone 4evah. but i am rilly hungry.” so i took eva 2 my house & she iz stayin’ there 4 awhile till her mom comez back. i told eva her mom wuz prolly on vacation like april’s mom, but she sed, “thass not likely.” it’s kinda freaky ‘bout eva, cuz my mom can’t c her either. wen i asked her 2 stay ovah, she sed, “i don’t think i can make that kinda commitment.” then she sed, “who am i kiddin’. nobody else can c me or remembah me. the answer is yes.” so, eva iz @my house, n case u remembah her.

April's Real Blog

Friday, March 10, 2006

Sorry, Paul. . . .

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