April's Real Blog

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Not OK

I M trying 2 get over this whole Patterson slow-storytelling curse. Really, I M. But it's not working. So, I'm back 2 Sunday, peeps, and I can tell that I'm only gonna B able 2 squeeze out another small bit o' the story B4 my mind goez all blank abt it. Again.

So, I let the dogz outside so they cd pee. As I was taking them 2 the door, I was thinking, "I'm alone, but the dogs R with me. If there was NEthing creepy in the house, they'd B barking." Then as they went charging out the door, I was all, "OK, go outside ... But B fast!" As I was looking out the window & w8ing 4 them 2 do their biz, I was thinking, "I wonder if there's sumthing in the basement. I feel so vulnerable! ... No, there's nothing in the basement. I'm OK ... I'm OK ... I'm OK." Then I had this awful vision of a scary monster just below the floorboardz. A big, flat thing with lots of crablike appendages & big angry eyez ready 2 drill its way up thru the wood & kill me! & I thot, "I'M NOT OK!"

Peeps, my mind just blanked out again. Geez, it's gonna take me 4evz 2 get this story out 2 U. Sorry, so sorry, that I hafta do it this way.

Howard, cd I have sum cooking lessons? Obvs yr cooking meanz a lot 2 Gerald, if he'z considering "switching teamz" 2 have yr cooking on a reg basis. I wanna learn 2 cook like U!

Becks wants us 2 use the rest of March break 2 work out as much as poss. Also, she sez, this oughta take our mindz offa how boring the grapefruit diet is. So after I post this, I'm off 2 Becky's custom home gym 2 work out.

Jeremy, wow, what a crayzee story! So, like, do U know howta drive now?

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 9:07 AM  

33 Comments:

  • At 9:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings today about the scary monster just below your floorboards. I almost wish we had one in our cabin to get Shiimsa to leave it. I wanted to go cross-country skiing to the lake where I had planned to do ice-fishing with your sister. Your sister said Shiimsa was too traumatized from the car ride yesterday and refused to go out, but needed someone to stay by the warm fire and drink hot cocoa and pet her. She suggested I should go alone.

    Then we heard this awful yowling at the cabin door. I opened the door and in walked this great big cat. It was very friendly and rubbed its back against my leg. It would have been a pretty cat, except it had a drooling problem. Your sister looked at its collar and said, “Paul, this cat is from Milborough. The collar says its name is Faustus.” Your sister fed the cat and brushed its fur, which looked like it had been traveling from Milborough to our cabin practically over night. Your sister said, “Shiimsa thinks we should go cross-country skiing and ice-fishing now and not to come back until we have many fresh fish.” I said, “I think we need to take Shiimsa with us, or you are going to be dealing with kittens.” Your sister said, “Oh, Paul. Shiimsa knows all about our ‘no hiking’ rule. Right, Shiimsa?”

    At least I can leave the cabin with your sister. We are heading out to go ice-fishing. It is a lot more fun to do that with someone than by yourself.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 9:59 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    paul, wow, that xplainz y dunc's mom was hangin' "missing cat" signs all over mboro this morning. dunc, shd we tell her where faustus has turned up?

    apes

     

  • At 10:01 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, & if u think faustus is a big ol' cat, paul, u oughta c falstaff. he'z dunc's other cat, the one they nicknamed "thyroid" cuz he'z really fat even tho he doesn't eat ne more food than faustus does. that they know of, neway!

    apes

     

  • At 10:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Just because I've never had a sauercraut and relish sandwich for breakfast doesn't mean I want to start today! I don't know what it is with Jeremy and food challenges. Anyway, that driving lesson last night was very encouraging. Jeremy's future sister is cube!

    Eva

     

  • At 10:50 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks & i just finished our warmup & we're about 2 stretch out & then hit the cardio. we're all having that burning feeling in our stomachs. of course, ger's solution is 2 eat protein bars. in front of us. so uncube! becky's ready 2 break his arm, she'z so pissed.

    apes

     

  • At 10:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest Howard and April flowers,

    You both seemed a bit upset when I brought Howard flowers this morning at breakfast. Let me explain. At my physical last week, my doctor told me that I am in peak form and am the best physical specimen of a Milborough male that he's ever seen.

    Then he pulled out a life span chart to show the life expectancy of a 15 year old boy in my shape. It had two lines on it. My doctor said to me, "Son, you can expect to live to be 97 years old!" I said that was great news. Then he kinda squinted at me and asked, "You are gay, aren't you?"

    I said, "No, I'm pre-engaged to a lovely girl."

    The doctor sighed and pointed at the other line. "I'm sorry, son," he said. "I just assumed you were gay because of your extreme attractiveness and your very chic hair and clothing."

    And I said, "That's OK. My mother buys all my clothes and takes me to her hairstylist, Pierre. She reads Vogue religiously."

    The doctor sighed. "No, son, it's not OK. You see, a heterosexual boy in your condition can expect to live only to age 30."

    I was shocked. "What? You mean, my life is already half over?"

    The doctor put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry, son," he said.

    And I said, "Isn't there something I can do?"

    And he said, "I usually recommend to my patients that they try to turn homosexual as soon as possible. There's only a 25% success rate, but if you can force yourself to have sex with men even once in awhile, it will greatly extend your life expectancy."

    My mouth fell open. "But sir!" I said. "I can't do that! I'm pre-engaged to April Patterson!"

    The doctor eyed me. "Patterson, you say? Well, there is another possibility."

    "What's that?"

    "Well," he said, "Patterson men, and men who marry into the Patterson family, do not age prematurely." This made me very happy, but the doctor said, "Don't celebrate just yet. There is a price to be paid for this. You must live out your life as a neutered, pathetic shell of a man, dominated by a shrill, cellulite-encrusted harpy. Are you willing to do that?"

    I was shocked. "Are you saying my April will become a fat bitch?" I asked.

    "Yes. Shortly after she turns 30," he said. "You may already see the early signs."

    "Well," I said, thinking hard, "her buttocks and thighs have been looking a tad plumper lately. And she was irrationally angry and complained a lot about having to stay with Connie Poirier while her parents are out of town."

    The doctor sighed and removed his glasses. "I'm sorry, son," he said. "It's a tough choice, I know."

    Then I found out that Howard is an excellent cook, which made the choice a lot easier.

    So, here's what I'm thinking: I could marry Howard, and be gay, but still see my little April flower on the side. We could even have children, but not get married. That's OK these days. My cousin Abelard did it.

    What do you say?

    Expectantly, Gerald

     

  • At 10:58 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    so, ger read his last post 2 me while becks & i were stretching. i started 2 answer him, like, verbally, & he sed, "no, april-flower! write yr answer down. its more epistolary that way." i'm like, "ok, whatevs."

    neway, ger, u can't, like assume howard wd b open 2 an arrangement like u're askin' 4. that's a lot 2 ask of a guy. but here'z the thing. u will b shocked 2 here i mite consider sumthing like this. u know y? well, what if there'z a chance that this wd prevent me from becoming fat, frigid, freakee & fugly? let's go 2 yr doctor & ask. if it wd prevent thoze thingz, i'd totally consider it! now don't fall down, k?

    apes

     

  • At 10:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April, Becky, and friends,

    I am not stupid! I took Shiimsa to the vet to discuss her fertility. The vet told me to get her fixed. I told her that while Shiimsa should not feel pressured to be married or have kids while she is still her age, she might want to later in life. So I asked the vet if there was any kind of kitty birth control she could have to preserve the possibility of kittens down the road, when she meets the right man cat.

    The doctor threw a bit of a hissy fit, but in the end, she did manage to find out from one of her vet friends about a cat version of an IUD. In fact, that is a bit of a misnamer because it it doesn't really go in the uterus, but in the you-know-what-with-a-v to prevent intercourse. So that is what Shiimsa has.

    Liz

     

  • At 10:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    NOT ANY MORE, MY LITTLE HUMAN FRIEND!

    HA HA HA HA HA!

    LOVE, ANGRA MAINYU

    P.S.--NOW I KNOW WHY YOU LIKE IT SO MUCH WHEN THAT MOUNTIE CLIMBS ON TOP OF YOU!

     

  • At 11:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    After Shiimsa's last message, I made Paul run back to the cabin with me. Shiimsa and Faustus have locked us out! And when I looked in the window, that giant awful Faustus cat was doing terrible things to my little baby Shiimsa! I feel sick! I never wanted to have such terrible information about cats like this, ever!

    Paul is trying to break down the door now!

    Liz

     

  • At 11:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April flower,

    If Howard does not agree, we can always find some other gay man who will. My mother says that all gay men are great cooks.

    I love you so much for considering this! I think you are right, it might be the best thing for both of us. I am glad I have such a wise girlfriend with so much understanding and foresight.

    Devotedly yours, Gerald

     

  • At 11:42 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Gerald,

    There's a flaw in your scheme. Contrary to what your doctor told your, there is actually no evidence of a man marrying into the Patterson family. April's sister is unmarried and her cousin Laura is unmarried. Not only that, but I am already April's designated back-up gay, so I suspect that marrying a Patterson will not increase your life span. If you were to marry me, April will be forced to find another straight guy to take your place. However, as a compromise, I will make you food, so long as these crazy girls are foolishly insisting on following these diet plans. You can be an example to them of what good eating is like. Deal?

    Howard K.

     

  • At 12:30 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    We are now ice-fishing with 2 cats. This was after we bandaged our shoulders. This is after we did cross-country skiing with 2 cats on our shoulders. This was after we bandaged our hands. This is was after your sister nearly lost a hand trying to check out the placement of a cat version of the IUD. This was after your sister scolded Shiimsa for disobeying the “no hiking” rule. This is after I nearly lost a hand trying to separate 2 cats in the middle of mazhi (what boy and girl cats like to do). This was after I stopped trying to break down the door and used a small thin stick to unlatch the cabin door. This was after I nearly knocked myself out trying to break down a log cabin door. This was after I asked your sister why she was checking your writings while we were cross-country skiing.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 1:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks i think tums r ok. i think it's like 10 calz 4 2 xtra-strength tums.

    apes

     

  • At 1:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, my future sis woke me up last nite. she decided 2 sleep ovah, since it wuz march break & she thot i needed help w/eva. it wuz back on the floor 4 me, cuz my future sis took the cot. neway, she woke me up & sed, “jeremy, eva iz cryin’. u needta help her.” sure enuff, wen i wuz more awake, eva wuz cryin’. i sed 2 my future sis, “how did u hear that?” my future sis, “i dunno, but i did.” i went ovah 2 eva, who wuz sleepin’ n my bed. i sed 2 my future sis, “she’z still asleep. she must b havin’ a nitemare.” my future sis sed, “well wake her up.” so i did. eva wuz sort of shaky. i sed, “ur ok. ur ok. ur ok.” & i kinda patted her. i am rilly no good w/cryin’ girlz. my future sis sed, “wut’s wrong? yru pattin’ her like a dog?” eva sed, “i’m not ok. i had this terrible dream. i wuz lying on the floor & these thingz started comin’ the floor 2 grab me.” i sed 2 my future sis, “she had a dream, sumthin’ came thru the floor 2 grab her.” my future sis sed, “tentacles?’ i sed, “antennae or pincers?” eva sed, “no. it wuz erasers. long slender erasers. they grabbed me & they were tryin’ 2 erase me.” i sed 2 my future sis, “it was erasers.” my future sis hadta kinda stifle a laff, but she cudn’t c how shaken up eva wuz. i sed, “it’s ok. we’re here. nobody iz erasing u.” eva sed, “i dunno if i can go back 2 sleep.” so we got up early. i have been tryin’ 2 think up new thingz 4 eva 2 do. 4 sum reazn, she iz not innerested n my food ideaz. i made her a sauerkraut & relish sandwich 4 breakfast, but she refused 2 eat it. it wuz good. my future sis wuz grossed out. she sed, “ur such a guy kinda guy.”

    so my future sis sed 2 eva, “i know. have u evah had a beer?” eva sed, “it iz illegal 4 a minor 2 drink. b-sidez i don’t wanna get drunk.” my future sis sed, “she sed no, rite?” i sed, “she sez she iz a good girl & she duzn’t wanna get drunk.” my future sis sed, “i don’t mean gettin’ drunk. i mean just tasting 1 beer. it iz a teenage rite of passage.” eva sed, “i dunno if i shud. my ‘rents wudn’t like it.” i sed, “she duzn’t know ‘bout this 1.” my future sis sed, “u alreddy broke the law learnin’ 2 drive. wut’z 1 beer?” i sed, “ru tryin’ 2 corrupt eva?” my future sis sed, “look, jeremy. eva requirez drastic action. sauerkraut & relish sandwiches r not gonna do it. b-sidez, it’s not like u haven’t hadda beer.” i sed, “don’t remind me.” eva sed, “wut iz she talkin’ ‘bout?” i sed, “my dad & me had a drinkin’ contest wen i was 10 ys old. i lost. i wuz sick 4 dayz.” my future sis sed, “that iz a gr8 story.” i sed 2 eva, “if u don’t wanna do it, it’s ok. my future sis can be kinda pushy.” eva sed, “no. i don’t think 1 beer will hurt me. let’s do it.” i sed 2 my sis, “she sez ok.”

    my future sis sed 2 my mom, “i am takin’ jeremy out 4 lunch, eh?” mom sed, “pick up sum sauerkraut & relish while ur out. sumbody 8 all we had left.” she wuz lookin’ @me wen she sed it. it wuz only 1 sandwich, not a criminal offence.

    my future sis iz drivin’ us 2 a bar n mboro & eva sez 2 me, “how r we gonna get n2 a bar? we’re underage.” i sed, “well, they won’t cu & since i look 40, i hardly evah get carded. altho the othah day, april sed i looked like i wuz n my 20s, & i did get carded.” my future sis sed, “that april girl. iz she still flirtin’ w/u?” i sed, “april duz not flirt w/me. she haz a bf.” my future sis sed, “rite. sure. jeremy. ur such a guy kinda guy.” az xxpected, i did not get carded & eva walked n unnoticed & my future sis passed herself off az my wife w/a wedding ring she uses 4 these kinda thingz. eva sed, “do u pretend ur jeremy’s wife a lot?” i sed, “eva iz askin’ ‘bout the pretend wife thing. my future sis sed, “i do it only wen i am n mboro & i wunt sum beer. girlz n mboro marry rilly young & usually 2 guyz who look az old az jeremy. peeps don’t evn look twice @it here. in TO, where i live, peeps wud think jeremy wuz robbin’ the cradle.” eva sed, “wen i get unerased, i think i mite needta move.” i sed, “eva may wunta move.” my future sis sed, “she’z a smart girl.”

    i ordered a beer & put a straw in it, so eva cud drink it & not attract attention. eva drank a little & sed, “this iz awful stuff. how can peeps stand 2 drink it?” i sed, “eva duzn’t like the taste.” my future sis sed, “jeremy, order her sumthin’ more girly.” so i sed 2 the bartender, “give me 1 of thoze fruity mixed drinks. sumthin’ a prissy girl wud like.” my future sis sed, “ur so classy, jeremy. thass how 2 order a drink.” i sed, “thanx.” eva wuz laffin’ & sed, “she wuzn’t complimentin’ u jeremy.” the drink came & eva liked it a lot bettah. she sed, “this iz alcoholic? i can’t evn taste it.” i sed, “u’ll feel it tho. it’z a lot strongah than the beer.” my future sis sed, “iz eva drunk?” i sed, “it’s only 1 drink.” eva sed, “i am feelin’ nice & warm nside.” i sed, “she’z drunk. i shuda known it wudn’t take much.” then eva shimmered again. the bartender sed, “hey! i thot i saw a teenage girl sittin’ b-side u.” i sed, “u did? do uc her now?” the bartender sed, “no. must been my imagination. don’t brink teenage girlz n here, unless ur married 2 them.” my future sis sed, “order her anothah.” i sed, “no. she’z had enuff alreddy.” eva sed, “that wuz rilly, rilly gud fruit drink. i’m ok. i’m ok. i’m ok. oooh. i’m not ok.” then she barfed. i sed, “ u lied 2 me. u did have a sauerkraut & relish sandwich.” my future sis sed, “look i can c her barf.” i sed, “gr8. thass an mprovement, i guess.” i hadta get a mop. eva iz sleepin’ it off, rite now.

     

  • At 1:50 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    April’s uncle Danny does not live in Milborough and that is probably the source of his long life, not being married to a Patterson. Honestly, Becky if I married every straight Milborough guy who proposed to me in an effort to lengthen his life I would have already been married a hundred times over. There is not a day that goes by in Sugar’s salon when it doesn’t happen that some straight guy walks by the shop, sees me in my dress, comes in and proposes marriage. Gerald is not doing anything that I don’t get at least 3 times a day and more often on holidays.

    April is fooling herself if she believes she can stay in Milborough and not be married to a straight guy. Her original idea of leaving Milborough to become a singing veterinarian in Winnipeg is a lot more sensible than being Gerald’s “other woman.” As for my being April’s pretend back up gay, that depends entirely on April leaving Milborough. If she were to stay in Milborough, marry in Milborough and widow in Milborough, then there are forces that would take me to account for my promise. This is one of the reasons, I strongly encourage April to move to Winnipeg. That way, when you use me as your backup gay, then nobody will question it.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 2:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    We are now ice-fishing with 2 very full cats. Eventually we will pull up enough fish so your sister and I can also have some for our dinner. The cat Faustus eats like no cat I have ever seen before. I think you should be less impressed with the other cat you know, Falstaff, nicknamed “thyroid”. If he eats as much as Faustus does, then he is still eating too much.

    Your sister tells me Shiimsa is very happy now and she is satisfied with finally getting enough fresh fish from her “mountie.” Your sister says Shiimsa wants to go ice-fishing with me more often and not fishing with her at the lake near Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) because she never catches anything, except teaching philosophy. Your sister says Faustus is talking to her now and says he wants to live with her and Shiimsa. She wants me to ask you to ask his owner Duncan if Faustus can stay here. They are both purring and rubbing against me. I have been expected more scratches, but getting none. However, as my Mishomis (Grandfather) says, “Gaazhagens (cats) like their giigoonh (fish).”

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 2:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ugh, i m having the same stomach trubz as becks. neway, my turn on the ski machine. becks is gonna do the rowing machine.

    apes

     

  • At 2:58 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Too bad you’re eating all those grapefruit. Too bad. Too bad. I made Gerald a very nice vegetarian diet lunch, and he has called me at the salon several times to thank me and propose marriage. I may have to accept. At least he listens to me about culinary matters.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 3:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Becky,

    Please don't hate me, but I caved! When Howard made that vegetarian diet lunch for Gerald, he made extra and brought it in. It smelled soooooo good, and I had such a sour stomach from all that grapefruit. . . . I just couldn't resist!

    Marjee

    P.S. And it was to die for!

     

  • At 3:35 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    2 different kinds of pastas for lunch and dinner? Where have I failed you? It’s like ordering the Italian sampler at a chain restaurant. Have you learned nothing from me all these months?

    That fresh fruit, fruit salad and fruit smoothie better include grapefruit. I bought a ton of it for you yesterday.

    By the by, I can make a real chocolate diet for you that is good for you and still let’s you lose weight. I have a great “pollo con mole” recipe. Why don’t you try it instead?

    Howard K.

     

  • At 4:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    ::sob::

    I need to have Howard hold me now.

    Marjee

     

  • At 4:43 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mmmmm. pasta. that soundz soooooo good after all that grapefruit.

    k, becks sez it's time 4 our kickboxing workout.

    apes

     

  • At 5:04 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Don’t trust me?! Extra calories!? After all we have been through together??!! Becky, you cut me to the quick. Marjee wasn’t happy with the comment about her hips either. Quick and hips, Becky. Quick. And. hips.

    You go on your all carb “chocolate” diet. I am throwing down the gauntlet. Yes, Becky. Your diet against my diet. Winner take all. Marjee and Gerald will follow my diet plan. You and April can follow yours. We take measurements. We weigh. We will see which diet is better. We will see.

    But first I have to give these Quebecois ladies their shamp-Ohs. They make the cutest little mixed vowel sounds when they get to the Oh part. It makes me feel like a European shampoo girl.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 5:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I finished reading your writings. It sounds like you are having a good time with exercise and diet. I have a new exercise plan. It is called cross country skiing, while carrying a big pile of dead fish and two cats so full of fish, it feels like they are completely dead weight.

    Your sister is quiet again. I am not sure why. The last thing she said to me was when she told me what the cats were thinking. It was, “Angra Mainyu loves the fish man” and “Faustus loves the fish man.” I asked her to ask me a question, so I could show her I was open and honest with my answer. She did not respond.

    She must be deep in thought. Once your sister told me “Fishing when there are no fish is ‘philosophy’.” She is probably revising her theory to include the case when there are plenty of fish and two cats. Or she could be letting me know she is listening to nature to be more in tune with Gichi-manidoo (the Great Spirit). She is a very wise woman, your sister.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 5:43 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Cooking and cooking. I feel like I have a split personality. One part of me is cooking up Becky’s disgusting diet plan food and trying to help her win. The other part of me is cooking up my delicious and delightful and delectable diet plan food and trying to help me win. Of course, Becky is helping out personality numero uno, by watching me like a hawk. “Don’t put in any extra calories, Howie. I know how you like to cheat,” she says. As if. When it comes to food, my competitive spirit comes alive, even if I am, in effect, competing against myself.

    We had the weigh-in and hip measurement, including Gerald. Those individuals can post their starting weights and measurements, if they so desire. However, given what those measurements were, I suspect Gerald will be the only one to post them.

    There was a little unexpected competition between Marjee and Gerald, both of whom proposed to me tonight. I am going to have to make diet vegetarian dishes more often, if it provokes that kind of reaction. Nevertheless, Marjee and Gerald have a side competition going, where the biggest loser of weight and inches gets me as their cook and spouse. It’s flattering, but a little crazy. However, I shouldn’t have been too surprised. After all, this is a town where Anne Nichols’ foul cooking is considered to be good.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 6:05 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    WTF? How did Faustus get there so fast? He musta got on a plane. I guess hes not as st00pid as I thot he was. BTW, dont worry abt the mahzi Faustus shoots blanks.

    Oh man its bn crazy @ the Shelbyville Credit Union there giving away free cake 2 celebr8 sum anniversry so peeps r coming in just 4 the free cake. Mr Kannberg keeps saying hell take me out 4 lunch but then he gets 2 busy he says 2morrow 4 sure. Hes not as bad as that psycho Malkmus @ least he gives me bathroom breaks an' lets me eat all the cake that I want. When this week is ovah I dont want 2 evah c a choc sheet cake or a box of KD again.

    L8r.

     

  • At 6:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, eva woke up & sed, “oh. i think i have a hangover.” then she shimmered again. my future sis sed, “jeremy. i think i can c an outline.” i sed, “an outline?” can u touch her?” the answer 2 that question wuz no. eva haz an outline now. accordin” 2 my future sis, it’s like if sum1 drew a thin black line all around your body. in fronta white surfaces, its rilly obvious, in fronta dark surfaces, it is still pretty invisible. eva still looks like eva 2 me. we hung a white sheet frum the ceilin’ n my room, so eva & my future sis can c her n fronta it. eva wuz rilly happy. it may sound weird, but b-ing able 2c urself iz a big deal.

    my future sis sed, “wut else can we do? jeremy. ru sure u & eva don’t wanna do it w/each othah? that’s a big thing 4 kids our age 2 do.” i sed, “no. we alreddy talked about this.” eva sed, “but jeremy wut if she iz rite & thass wut it takes?” i sed, “no way. it’s 1 thing 2 drive a car or drink sum alcohol, but not that.” my future sis sed, “how ‘bout 1st base or 2nd base or 3rd base?” eva sed, “y iz she talkin’ baseball?” i xxplained it 2 her. eva sed, “there r sum convos i had w/becky mcguire that r makin’ sense 4 the 1st tyme.”

    i sed, “i know. if there’z 1 thing n mboro that gets u points, it’s doing sumthin’ 4 sum1 else.” eva sed, “wut? i thot mboro wuz all about making judgmental remarks about othah peeps.” i sed, “there is that 2. but neway, there iz a food bank called the resource who r alwayz lookin’ 4 peeps 2 fill & deliver food boxes, particularly wen it iz not xmas tyme, wen every1 else duz it, evn gerald. i have done a lotta community service hours there.” my future sis sed, “wut wuz eva sayin’?” i sed, “she sed mboro iz ‘bout makin’ judgmental remarks.” my future sis sed, “thass gud. we can go 2 the food bank & eva can make judgmental remarks ‘bout ne1 workin’ there. there’z gotta b a lotta geeks workin’ the food bank.”

    we went 2 the resource. i wuz rite they needed workerz. my future sis wuz rite, there were a lotta geeky lookin’ peeps there. eva helped me put food in boxes & seal them up. i wud hand her the food & she wud put them in the boxes. it looked like i wuz throwin’ food in boxes w/a deadly accuracy. the food bank runnin’ guy sed, “thass sum aim u got, old man.” it wuz pretty funny. i sed 2 eva, “say sumthin’ judgmental ‘bout that guy.” eva sed, “jeremy. i dunno if i can. i rilly wanna compliment hiz shoes.” i sed, “he iz wearin’ a ratty pair of boots.” eva sed, “i know. but i can’t help myself.” i sed, “repeat aftah me. on the geek scale. 6 points 4 ratty boots. 5 points 4 pink & blue checkered sweater 2 sizes 2 small.” eva started 2 repeat it, but she sed, “i just can’t do it, jeremy. my ‘rents were rilly strict ‘bout b-ing nice 2 peeps, evn peeps w/ugly shoez & hair clips it looks like they stole frum their fashion clueless oldah sister.” then she shimmered. my future sis sed, “i can c a little colour in that outline. keep it up.” eva wuz ncouraged, “that lady ovah there haz a hair style so 1970s, it looks like she keeps it only so peeps will know wut she looks like.” another shimmer. then eva sed, “that guy ovah there haz glasses frum when disco wuz king.” & another shimmer. eva wuz on a roll. i thot it wuz goin’ gr8 till the food bank manager guy sed 2 me, “lissen mister. we don’t appreciate the comments u have been makin’. we need workerz here, not middle-aged girly-voiced bulliez. ur hurtin’ othah peeps’ feelingz.” i sed, “oh, sorry ‘bout that. sumtymez i 4get i am sayin’ wut i shud only b thinkin’.” eva sed, “sorry jeremy.” my future sis wuz ‘bout 2 burst out laffin’. she sed, “eva ur rilly funny. u have a nice coloured outline & i can hear u rilly clear.” our trip wuz a success, altho i don’t think i will be gettin’ nemore community service hours outa the resource.

     

  • At 7:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    MCDUNCE,

    YOU HAVE OPENED THOSE PURPLE LIPS ONCE TOO OFTEN.

    WHEN I AM NOT ENGAGING IN PASSIONATE MAHZI WITH MY BELOVED ANGRA MAINYU OR DINING ON THE FRESH CATCH OF THE HALF HOUR, I WILL BE SHARPENING MY CLAWS ON THE PINE AND BIRCH TREES THAT SURROUND THIS RUSTIC CABIN.

    WE WILL MEET AGAIN.

    FAUSTUS

     

  • At 8:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think that must have been the most divine dinner I've ever had. Howard is a genius! He's got Gerald and me starting a weight-training programme, too.

    Marjee

     

  • At 8:40 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, a weird thing happed when i read yr last post. i had this quick vision in my head, sort of like a cross betw a memory & a dream. it was me on the bus with a black girl who had blond hair & green eyez. she told me she liked my hairclip & shoez & that math was v. interesting this yr. it was a v. quick flash & after it i, like, didn't know who that was or what it was all abt, but i reread yr post, & i was kinda pissed cuz this girl i sorta imagined mighta been lying when she sed she liked the hairclip, which was liz's. weird, eh?

    apes

     

  • At 9:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, that vision iz weird. of course u have been havin’ a lotta upsettin’ visionz l8ly. u haven’t put it n ur blog entry yet, cuz i guess it’s 4 2morrow, but i bet the scary monster just below the floorboardz frum ur entry 2day goes away n a quick flash 2. have u been eatin’ nething weird l8ly that mite cause hallucinationz? shroomz or grapefruit or pasta?

     

  • At 9:52 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Marjee and Gerald have taken to the use of free weights. I have told them it reduces tension and they are believers. Every time Gerald lifts, he says, “I have to wait until she’s 16.” Marjee says, “My half-sister says I am fat.” And of course the one they both say, “I going to marry a profession chef who will cook for me morning, noon, and night.”

    They are very motivated to win. You and Becky better watch out. Marjee and Gerald are taking you down.

    Howard K.

     

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