April's Real Blog

Monday, March 20, 2006

Um, OK.

When I checked my voicemail this morning, I found a message fr. Dee. She was all,
April! Just calling to let U know that Michael just left the house 2 go pick up yr mom and dad @ the airport. He did the cutest thing B4 leaving, April. U C, he'd swooped me up in his armz 2 give me a kiss, & he was holding me up w/his hands tucked under my butt while he sed, "Good bye, my luv!" Merrie got jealous & yelled, "Daddy! Give me a kiss like that!!" So he swooped her up in2 the air & she let out a massive "SHRIEK!" and a few giggles. Afterwards, he sort of leered @ me & sed "It's nice 2 know I can still pick up girls!" I must say I gave him one of my wide-eyed reaction faces. Hmm, I hope I don't need 2 page Dr. Freud, if U know what I mean. MayB this all wasn't so cute, after all.
Erg, so next thing U know, my 'rents will B back. @ least I seem 2 B dun talkin' abt that Sunday (not yesterday, but the one B4). Tho Connie mite still tell Mom all abt it & Mom mite gloat in my teenage hubris (vocab word).

Jeremy, in answer 2 yr question, when Ger & I started getting 2gether, I don't remember NE pix being involved, like my mom giving 8 X 10 glamour shots of Liz 2 peeps like Paul. & I don't remember pix being involved w/Mike an' Dee (other than how Weed was takin' pix of the car accident). ::confused::

I saw Ger this morning, so I assume Luggy finally let him an' Ben Newhouse go after the rickshaw probs, but Ger hasn't had a chance 2 give me NE deets yet!

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 9:22 AM  

16 Comments:

  • At 12:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Just a reminder from your brother. Tomorrow is grandpa Jim’s birthday and I think he is expecting some pampering. When I picked up mom and pop from the airport, after spending what felt like 2 weeks listening to them talk about their trip in Baja, Mexico, mom got around to talking about what she wanted to do for grandpa, or as you sometimes call him, grampster. I hope you are in the mood for some baking.

    My loves, Dee and Merrie gave me a great send-off for the airport trip after I picked them up. I know sometimes you write about Lizardbreath and her policeman boyfriend’s romance, but your older brother has it going on. When I pick up girls, I get kisses and giggles. Robin was happy to sit on the floor and play with his car. Deanna has to handle him until he gets over that “no eat” thing.

    After all the time it took to pick up mom and pop and then to listen to their travelogue, I don’t think I have enough time left from juggling my deadlines to visit grandpa on his birthday. I gave mom a copy of the latest Portrait magazine as a gift from us. Aside from some of the best editing I have done, it has a 4-page advertisement, featuring a sylphan lovely removing her garments - with the last page showing her holding a bottle of perfume in such a way that her obvious assets were obscured. I am sure grandpa Jim will love it. It has been a very popular issue, and the money generated by it paid for my publisher's implants. I think I may have told you my publisher is an old balding man. He is bald no longer, thanks to hair implants. He is still old, though.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 12:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, if u don’t know ‘bout pics & u & gigli & ur mom, then she must b rilly sneaky ‘bout it. ur uzually sharp enuff 2 pic that kinda stuff up. my mom duzn’t have a lotta deets on that biz. i wud say ask ur mom, but thass prolly a bad idea.

    my mom haz been hummin’ “matchmaker, matchmaker” a lot. i have a d8 set 4 friday by my mom & this lady she knowz. it’s w/ chelsea chasteté, a grade 11 girl frum our skool. i didn’t rilly know who she wuz till she talked 2 me n between classes 2day. she haz a sweet hint of a quebecois accent. she sed, “vous n'êtes pas one of those types qui thinks juste because he picks une fille up u must obtain embrassés, et vous?” i said, “no. i n'êtes pas 1 of those teeps.” chelsea sed, “non. it iz 'je ne suis pas 1 of those teeps.'" i sed, “je ne suis pas 1 of thoze teeps.” she sed, “c'est bon. cu friday.” she didn’t get mad wen i messed up my french, so thass a gud sign.

     

  • At 12:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your brother and his writings about me. If I were to meet your brother, I would tell him there is more to romance than picking up a girl and kissing her. There is philosophy and good conversation. The last time I picked up your sister we talked about predestination. Your sister knows just the right things to say to make me love her.

    When I left Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) the last time, the little girl Ellen was outside and asked me to pick her up like I did your sister. I whirled her around and she shrieked and giggled. Then I spoke about her destiny as a strong Ojibway woman. Ellen said to me, “Jesse is more romantic than you are.” It made me laugh. Ellen is too young and inexperienced to know about grownup romance.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 1:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I knew it! Jesse two timer!

    Alice

     

  • At 1:22 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I had a discussion with Krystle McGuire for the terms of my employment as Howard and not Belfrieda Batsize. I asked her if I could have a few hours off early during weekday evenings, so I could work at the Valhalla, Becky’s father’s supper club, and then come back to serve supper to her. Krystle said, “If you are going to ask me a question like that, you should pick me up and kiss me.” I said OK and picked her up and kissed her. Krystle said, “That was nice. Late suppers for Ted and Becky and me are good. That way we are much more likely to get Ted to come to supper after work.”

    After that I went to the Valhalla and spoke with Thorvald about doing an early evening supper club performance during the weekday evenings. Thorvald said, “If you are going to ask me a question like that, you should pick me up and kiss me.” I said OK and picked him up and kissed him. Thorvald said, “By the hoary breath of a Frost Giant, that was nice. Early suppers are better for the old folks in Milborough, who don’t like to travel after dark. That way we are much more likely to get them to come to have supper and see a show. I have discussed things with Becky-Thora and I will accept the Norse opera, but I choose your costumes.” I said, “Don’t pick colours that clash with my hair.” Thorvald said, “That will not be a problem.” I am excited. I have not had a chance to perform opera in quite awhile.

    After that I went to Sugar’s salon and spoke with Marjee Mahaha about us not getting married, like she planned. Marjee said, “If you are going to ask me a question like that, you should pick me up and kiss me.” I said OK and picked her up and kissed her. Marjee said, “That was nice. I can taste a little bit of your breakfast on your lips. What did you make for me?” I gave Marjee the food I made for her. She said, “Not getting married is better for me. That way I can get this incredible food from you and still be able to date straight guys. We are still doing free weights together, eh?” I said, "Of course, but if you are going to ask me a question like that, you should pick me up and kiss me." Then Sugar said, “Enough of this picking up and kissing stuff. You have hair to style (to Marjee) and you have hair to shampoo (to me).” When Sugar is right, she is right.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 2:04 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, there must b sumthin' in the air 2day w/all the pickin' up & kissin'. when ger 1st saw me this morning he picked up up & kissed me. he was all, "my dear, sweet april-flower! i m so happy 2 c u after b-ing in the evil clutches of officer luggsworth!' then the principal saw us & was all, "no pda's, students!" & ger put me down.

    then in math class, the teacher called on me 2 do a to do a tuff prob on the board. when i'd finished, he picked me up & kissed me! the principal stuck his head in the door & sed, "mr. pistachio, that is highly irregular! put that student down!"

    in the hallway after lunch, i saw drew fontaine picking up alice moinonplus & kissing her. "that french paper u wrote 4 me got me an 'a'! he sed. unfortun8ly 4 drew, the french teach was walkin' by rite when he sed that.

    l8r still, i saw dunc telling zandra larson that he'd scored 2 tix 2 that bauhaus show in to this summer. zandra was, like, "duncan, i cd almost pick u up & kiss us 4 that." & she kinda chuckled softly 2 herself & sed, "u r ok, duncan."

    like i sed, there must b sumthin' in the air.

    apes

     

  • At 3:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, ur rite there must b sumthin’ n the air. sum of the a-girlz were pickin’ on shannon lake & i sed, “leave her alone.” they sed, “oh, jeremy can u get us tickets 2c bauhaus? zandra larson got sum & we want them 2.” i sed, “the way ur treatin’ shannon, no way.” they sed, “but jeremy, it’s n our a-girl vowz 2 make fun of the freaky kidz. c?” then they popped up their cells & showed me a pic of their motto. i sed, “then find sum othah freaky kid 2 make fun of othah than shannon.” they sed, “bauhaus tickets?” i sed, “i’ll c wut i can do.” they sed, “ok.” & az they left they were shriekin’ & gigglin’. i turned ‘round & then shannon lake picked me up & kissed me. she sed, “ur…my…hero…jeremy. i…asked…justin…2…save…me, but…he…iz…not…gud…@…rescuez.” i sed, “thass nice. ur a lot strongah than u look.” shannon sed, “i…know. iz…there…nething…i…can…do…4u? mebbe…a…d8?” i sed, “can’t do d8s. my mom haz taken control of all my d8s.” shannon sed, “i…know…just…wut…u…mean. my…mom…watches…me…all…the…tyme.” i sed, “it’s our 1st day back 2 skool since rebeccah broke up w/me. if uc rebeccah tryin’ 2 kick n my locker, u cud tell her 2 stop.” shannon sed, “it…wud…b…my…pleasure.” then she picked me up & kissed me again. there must b sumthin’ n the air.

     

  • At 6:55 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Supper time was interesting with Dr. McCauley, Krystle (Becky’s mom) and Becky. Dr. McCauley declared that this supper was an audition and if I did not properly satisfy him on the food, then my employment was not going to happen. Becky pretended she was unhappy with my being there, which seemed to make Dr. McCauley happy.

    Well, I did a very nice, showy dinner with some of my best, impressive recipes. Dr. McCauley was determined not to like it, particularly when Becky said, “Oh my God, Howie! This is so delish!” Krystle said, “This cooking is so much better than Belfrieda Batsize’s cooking.” That is true to a certain degree, although it is ironic since my old lady alter ego Belfrieda and I are one and the same person. Belfrieda was forced into cooking a lot of dishes normally associated with old ladies, as a part of the disguise, which are not nearly as fancy or tasty as my Howard “gourmet cooking.” As it happened last week, I think I went a little overboard with the good food. There was a brief skirmish between Dr. McCauley and Krystle over which one of them would marry me and have my cooking for life. This was offset by Becky’s yells of “He’s gay and he’s mine, dammit!”

    Into this noise came Marjee Mahaha for our evening free weight session. Becky and Krystle and Dr. McCauley were making so much noise, that when Marjee opened the door (because no one could hear the doorbell), the giant dog Freyfaxi came barging in and took a surprisingly defensive stance in front of me. It is at this point, I must admit that I had been spicing up some of Freyfaxi’s food, so he wouldn’t have to eat so much rotten shark meat (the Icelandic dish prescribed by Thorvald McGuire, Becky’s dad, for Freyfaxi.). It is fun to cook for Freyfaxi. He always eats everything on his plate, and he always says thank you, which for you would appear to be a certain style of wagging the tail. Freyfaxi’s appearance in front of me growling had the effect of calming down Dr. McCauley, Becky, Krystle and Marjee Mahaha, who had by this time found the leftover food on the stove and having eaten it, reignited her passion for marrying me. I said, “I’ll take Freyfaxi for a walk to calm him down.”

    Freyfaxi and Becky’s other two dogs, Apollo and Zeus all went along pretty happily for a walk. When Becky walks Freyfaxi, she rides him like a horse, which is good exercise for her and Freyfaxi. It is by necessity since, Becky is so petite, she has no chance of actually restraining Freyfaxi. However, riding does not allow Freyfaxi to bound along in his natural dog-like ways, which would probably throw Becky to the ground a few seconds after getting on him. We went to an open field near Becky’s home and the 3 dogs romped and played and played and romped until they were nicely tired out. I had found a dead tree stump to throw for Freyfaxi to play fetch and some nice sticks for Apollo and Zeus to do the same.

    By the time the dogs and I got back, Dr. McCauley, Becky, Krystle and Marjee Mahaha had reached a compromise about me, which was essentially that I would cook for them all, whenever they wanted and marriage was not required. Becky maintains she has a roommate clause for me when she goes on tour, which Dr. McCauley agreed to with the statement “Like that is going to ever happen.” Marjee declared she needed to do a lot of lifting. I know exactly how she feels.

    Becky got on the Versaclimber and declared Marjee’s arms were getting so big, she was starting to look like a guy. I said, “Not with those breasts.” Becky pouted a little bit and said, “You don’t compliment my breasts, Howie. I thought I was your true love.” I said, “Yours are just perfect.” Becky said, “For a 14-year-old girl, you mean.” I said, “No. For whatever age. Your breasts are perfect. Every guy you have dated has wanted to touch them, eh?” Becky said, “You think so?” I said, “Name one who hasn’t.” Becky said, “You’re right. I am hott. I almost forgot.” I said, “Do you want to do free weights now?” Becky said, “And get breasts like Marjee’s? No way.”

    Like I said, suppertime was interesting,
    Howard K.

     

  • At 7:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    When you are at the grandparental abode for grandpa Jim’s birthday tomorrow, mom said you would be in charge of massaging grandpa Jim’s feet this year. Iris wanted to do it, but her arthritis has been giving her trouble. Mom asked me to do it, but I told her I had a deadline to meet. She said, “A writer has to write - it's sustenance, a necessity.” Thanks mom! Get your hands in shape, little sis!

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 7:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    You should call your sister. Shiimsa has been so depressed since your friend Duncan’s cat Faustus left; she has only eaten 3 fresh fish left over from our ice-fishing trip last weekend. She has stopped climbing curtains and your sister. Even during her niceless lessons with Jesse Mukwa, she agreed to do everything Jesse asked her to do without complaining. Jesse offered to get your sister another cat, a boy, for Shiimsa, but your sister said Shiimsa said only Faustus would do. When I talk to your sister about Shiimsa and how much she loves her, it makes me love your sister even more.

    I know she was telling a joke, but your sister suggested I drive to Milborough and catnap Faustus from your friend Duncan. Your sister has a wonderful sense of humour. It is another reason I love her.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 7:37 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    What a gr8 day, Apes!

    4 1x drama club was ok all I had 2 do was pretend 2 b dead. Then I told Zandra abt the Bauhaus tix an’ she said she was thinking abt kissing me I wish shed just dun it w/o thinking abt it.

    But the best part was when I got home fr skool. My dad was home erly an’ had a prezzie 4 me. It was a CD. I put it in my ‘puter an’ it was Mr Malkmus’s blackmail CD of fotos! My dad says that he an’ Mr Kannberg spoke 2 the d00ds @ head office an’, effective 2day, Mr Malkmus is the new asst manager of the Grise Fiord Credit Union in Nunavut. That is so cube!

    Even Faustus looks happy 2day. He keeps following me around an’ rubbing against me an’ licking me. I think hes 4gotten he h8s me hes not so brite.

    Im off 2 Horny Ts 4 a dbl dbl an’ a maple dip. L8r.

     

  • At 7:39 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, u arse, i m not touching gramps's feet. if ne1 triez 2 make me? i'm leaving. i'm not kidding.

    apes

    p.s. paul, i tried calling liz but i got her voicemail. i'll try again soon.

     

  • At 7:57 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, dunc, i didn't c yr posts when i was writing my last one.

    dunc, i m glad u had such a gr8 day & that mr. m got what he deserved!

    howard, i m not surprised every1 was fiting over u b/c of yr cooking. yr cooking rocks!

    apes

     

  • At 8:11 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    YOU DO NOT WANT A MAPLE DIP DOUGHNUT, TOOPID. YOU WANT AN ALBACORE TUNA SALAD SANDWICH TO GO.

     

  • At 10:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    duncan, congrats on finally dealin’ w/mr. malkmus. also, congrats on zandra almost wantin’ 2 kiss u. ur doin’ bettah than i am. i got picked up & kissed 2x by shannon lake 2day. i don’t think there’z a girl n mboro who will kiss me again or evn think ‘bout kissin’ me again aftah that.

     

  • At 11:30 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    In the middle of the night I get a call from your step-grandmother Iris. She said, “April has refused to rub Jim’s feet for his birthday.” I said, “That’s pretty understandable.” Iris said, “All he wants for his birthday is cake and a foot rub.” I said, “His demands seem pretty small. Why not have April’s parents do it instead of April?” Iris said, “They’re too tired from their vacation. John said, ‘We were treated like livestock by the airlines, packed like sardines into seats spaced for toddlers, and felt like we were being shipped off to something joyless. We’re exhausted.’” I said, “Mike or Deanna?” Iris said, “Deadlines for Mike. Too unsanitary for Deanna.” I said, “What are you going to do?” Iris said, “I had hoped you would come over here and help me.” I said, “What? Why me?” Iris said, “You do so well with those shamp-Ohs, and besides, you’re practically family.” I said, “Because of being April’s backup gay, you mean.” Iris said, “Certainly. It’s not official yet, but from what I have heard about April’s straight boyfriend, you can count on being married to April probably before she turn 20. Besides, I think you owe to me for setting you and April up.” I said, “I don’t think so.” Iris said, “Oh all right. I would do it, but my hands hurt like hell right now. It’s only one time. Would it kill you to do me a favour for an old lady? I’ll pay you back someday.” I said, “Oh all right. I’ll come over.”

    Marjee Mahaha was still with me lifting free weights and she said, “What’s up?” I said, “I have to go over to Iris Richards’ apartment and massage her husband’s feet for his birthday.” Marjee said, “Can I come?” I said, “You want to come to see me massage an old man’s feet?” Marjee said, “Why not?” I said, “It will be deadly dull.” Marjee said, "Things are never dull around you Howard."

    So, we went over to your grandpa Jim’s apartment. He was there in his easy chair with his feet propped up. There was Eastern music playing and Iris was dropping grapes into his mouth. She said, “Coward thanks for coming. Who’s this?” I said, “This is Marjee from Sugar’s salon.” Iris said, “I remember you now. I don’t think I have seen you in workout clothes before.” Marjee said, “Yes, ‘Coward’ and I just finished lifting weights.” Iris said, “Welcome. I have some birthday cake in the kitchen.” I said, “Why is that?” Iris said, “To fool Jim into thinking it was his birthday, of course.”

    I sat beside your grandpa Jim’s chair and took off his shoes and socks and it was disgusting. I said, “Doesn’t he wash his feet anymore?” Iris said, “His back has gotten too bad. Now he just soaks them.” I said, “I am going to have to wash and scrub these before I can massage them.” Iris said, “Here’s a soap bucket and a brush.” She was a little too prepared for my tastes. I cleaned out the goo between his toes and the mass of flaky skin off of his feet and clipped his toenails and trimmed his cuticles. I had to rinse out the bucket and put in fresh soapy water a few times to accomplish this task. Marjee and Iris left the room while I was doing this. Marjee said, “I am feeling a lot like birthday cake now.” Iris said, “Let me help you.”

    I started doing the massage. Your grandpa Jim said, “That feels nice dear. Some more grapes please.” I dropped a few grapes in his mouth. He said, “That feels wonderful. Keep it up. That’s the spot.” He was moaning softly and seemed to be enjoying himself. When Marjee and Iris finally returned, Iris said, “Oh my.” Marjee said, “Wow!” I said, “What? Then I looked up from your grandpa Jim’s feet and saw an unsightly bulge in place I wasn’t expecting. Iris said, “Coward. Before you go too far with this massage, I would like you and Marjee to leave.” I said, “What? Why?” Marjee said, “Don’t be an idiot. Let’s go.” We left and as we were leaving, I heard a lot of rushing around and zipper zipping noises.

    Marjee said, “He’s getting a real birthday present now. So is she. April’s grandpa is a bigger man than I expected.” I said, “Oh please. They are too old for that kind of stuff.” Marjee said, “This is coming from a man who gives 80-year-old ladies shamp-Ohs.” I said, “You have a point.” Marjee said, “You bring up the best in people Howard.” I said, “You mean I bring ‘out’. Oh. I get it.” Marjee said, “My muscles feel sore from all that weight lifting. I think I want a massage.” I said, “Please don’t tell me that got you excited.” Marjee said, “I won’t tell you, if you give me a massage.” I said, “Oh all right. You did a good job with your free weights. You can have a massage.” Marjee said, “It’s nice to know I can still pick up guys.”

    Sometimes I am too nice for my own good.

    Howard K.

     

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