A Rainy Memory
Since I'd been having such a fat-arse week, I had this memory of another time my arse was esp. bad. This was a yr or 2 ago, when I was still in middle school & didn't hafta wear a uni yet & wasn't as tall as I am (on most dayz) now. I remember that I had on an uggo blue jacket with a yellow stripe that ran up the zipper in the middle & up around the edge of the hood, & also along the bottom hem & up the middle of the sleevez. I hadn't switched fr. the st00pid ponytail 2 the awful prop-bun yet. I saw that it was raining outside, but I figured the bus wd B along soon, so I just whistled as I zipped my jacket & put my red backpack on. Mom told me 2 take an umbrella but I told her I was OK. Mom asked me what if the bus was l8 & wd I wanna stand out in the rain getting cold & wet. I thot (4 sum reason) that having the umbrella wd make me look like an idjit, but Mom insisted, & I left w/a big storm cloud over my head. Becky & two other kids (Kimmi LaSalle & Glen Moby) were already w8ing @ the stop when I got there, & we all ended up huddled under the umbrella. L8r on, Mom told me she'd watched all this out the window, & she was all, "I told U so!"
Thinking back on that esp. bad arse day of a yr or 2 ago, & the bad arse wk I was having B4 Becks & I did R crash diet & xercise, I'm glad that w/his cooking lessons Howard's also giving me a maintenance guide. He'z so cube! Thanx so much 4 making the lessons & food free of charge, Howard, & I totally understand abt how we've gotta do the lessonz over @ Becky's place & not here since my mom wd, like, devour the ingredients B4 we even finished mixing them all 2gether.
& speaking of how much Ger luvs my boobs, well, Ger told me he's arranged a special, surprise d8, since I'm kinda buff & my butt's lookin' so cute fr. all the exercise Becks & I did! He hasn't told me NEthing xcept he's coming by 2 get me @ 2 this afternoon. I M so xcited.
Becks, no problem abt my post 2 Jeremy abt how his "truth" came out wrong that time & messed stuff up. I agree abt thinking positive 2!
Dunc, so how did the party go w/Zandra's Uncle Arne? & how's it been w/yr 'rents now that the whole Malkmus thing is out in the open?
Apes
Thinking back on that esp. bad arse day of a yr or 2 ago, & the bad arse wk I was having B4 Becks & I did R crash diet & xercise, I'm glad that w/his cooking lessons Howard's also giving me a maintenance guide. He'z so cube! Thanx so much 4 making the lessons & food free of charge, Howard, & I totally understand abt how we've gotta do the lessonz over @ Becky's place & not here since my mom wd, like, devour the ingredients B4 we even finished mixing them all 2gether.
& speaking of how much Ger luvs my boobs, well, Ger told me he's arranged a special, surprise d8, since I'm kinda buff & my butt's lookin' so cute fr. all the exercise Becks & I did! He hasn't told me NEthing xcept he's coming by 2 get me @ 2 this afternoon. I M so xcited.
Becks, no problem abt my post 2 Jeremy abt how his "truth" came out wrong that time & messed stuff up. I agree abt thinking positive 2!
Dunc, so how did the party go w/Zandra's Uncle Arne? & how's it been w/yr 'rents now that the whole Malkmus thing is out in the open?
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:42 AM
15 Comments:
At 9:12 AM,
howard said…
April,
Becky finally said she liked my food last night. Then she said she wanted food to keep her looking like a hottie, like I had been serving her anything other than that. The problem Becky has (and you too, April), is I cannot control what you choose to eat at other places like your school cafeteria or the seemingly daily visits to Tim Hortons after school.
As for your story, it is interesting that you focused on a time when your mother was right about something and you didn’t have to wear a uniform to school. Is there a hidden message there?
Howard K.
At 9:18 AM,
April Patterson said…
hidden message? i dunno. since my mom was all "i told u so" that time, mayB it's cuz i xpect my mom mite B "i told u so" abt how i needed an adult around insteada being alone during my 'rents' vacation? & i guess i preferred not having 2 wear a uni, tho it does save sum time not 2 hafta think that much abt what i wear 2 school.
apes
At 10:09 AM,
April Patterson said…
dunc, next time u c zandra, cd u tell her i just heard bauhaus is touring n. america w/nin this yr? here's the info 4 toronto:
6/24 - molson amphitheater in toronto, ON - on sale 04/01
thot she'd wanna know, eh?
apes
At 11:12 AM,
duncan anderson said…
MY DARLING ANGRA MAINYU -- FOR YOU ARE INDEED AND ALWAYS WILL BE MY DARLING ANGRA MAINYU -- DO NOT DESPAIR. THE WEEKS WILL FLY BY LIKE THE PIGEONS AT MILBOROUGH CENTENNIAL PARK, AND WE WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN. AS A TOKEN OF MY LOVE, I WILL SAVE THE PURPLE-LIPPED TOOPID FINGER FOR YOU.
YOUR DEVOTED AND LOVING FAUSTUS
At 11:15 AM,
April Patterson said…
dunc, watch out, it loox like faustus wants 2 bite off yr finger?
apes
At 11:50 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes!
Oh, man, what a nite. Im thinking abt punching out Zandras uncle Arne what a foob. When we got 2 the party the kids asked him 2 do a trick an' Arne goes, I dont do tricks, I do illusions, a trick is what a whore does 4 money.... or candy. Then he told me 2 put a yellow bow tie on Zandras cat 2 match r bow ties oh man the cat was rilly pissed an' shredded my face like Faustus did that time I tried 2 train him 2 b a circus cat. I dont mind a few scars 2 give me street cred but I dont want 2 look like those d00ds in the films we saw @ skool abt ritual scarification. Then it all went so fast the cat was in the birthday cake an' Arne spilled lighter fluid all ovah the floor an' all of the kids were crying an' Arne said we had 2 get outta there an' he burned rubber on the T-Bird while the birthday kids dad chased us down the street.
I dont think my 'rents were 2 thrilled when I came home bleeding but there more pissed @ Mr Psycho Malkmus. They even said it was ok 4 me 2 go w/ Zandra 2 TO 2day. Zandra asked me last nite 2 go 4 brunch w/ her b4 we go shopping an' dancing @ the Vatikan. Thanx 4 the info on Bauhaus mayB Ill buy the tix an' ask Zandra 2 go w/ me but I dunno if she wants 2 go on a d8 w/ a Gr 9 d00d.
Faustus is back. Cst Wrights partner met me @ Horny Ts this am an' I brot towels an' work gloves 2 carry the cannibal cat home but Faustus didnt fite me @ all. He just purred alot an' licked my face. My mom cried when I brot Faustus in. I think my dad was glad 2 c him 2 'cos I bet my mom was yelling @ him the hole time Faustus was gone 4 letting Faustus get out the door. I dont think Falstaff was happy 2 c Faustus @ all he went an' hid bhind the furnace. Faustus is following me all around the house like hes a dog. Weird.
Got 2 go an' meet Zandra @ the GO Station. C u @ skool 2morrow.
At 11:57 AM,
duncan anderson said…
ANGRA MAINYU, MY LOVE, I PINE TO HEAR FROM YOU.
IT WOULD SEEM THAT ANOTHER HAS TRIED TO HARVEST MEAT AND BLOOD FROM THE PURPLE-LIPPED TOOPID. I WILL ENSURE THAT THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN AGAIN, FOR THIS TOOPID IS RESERVED FOR OUR FEAST TO CELEBRATE YOUR ARRIVAL IN MILBOROUGH.
THINK OF ME, MY DEAREST, AND THINK OF DINING ON PRIME TOOPID FINGER WITH ME.
YOURS, FOREVER, FAUSTUS
At 5:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
My partner called and told me she delivered your friend’s cat to him at the Tim Hortons in Milborough. She said he must go there pretty often, because the people working the counter knew him by name and also what he was going to order before he said anything to him. My partner said to me, and think she was joking, “You should have seen this guy, Paul. He looked just like you do when you come back from Mtigwaki (Land of Trees).” I said, “What do you mean?” She said, “His face was scratched up with big deep cat scratches.” I said, “I do not always come back from Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) with my face scratched up.” My partner said, “Name a time.” I thought a little while and said, “The time I delivered her mother’s glasses to her. Not one scratch that time.” My partner said, “Oh, you got me there. So the very first time you met, your girlfriend had her cat under control.” I said, “Yes. So, I do not get scratched every time.” My partner said, “I stand corrected. Well this guy saw me looking at his scratches and he said, ‘It’s not what you think.’ And I said, ‘What do I think?’ He said, ‘Ritual scarring.’ I laughed pretty hard when he said that. Then I said, ‘Whenever my partner comes back from visiting his girlfriend, his face looks twice as bad as yours and his clothes smell like cat urine. I know what cat owners look and smell like.’” I said, “That’s very funny. No trouble handing over Faustus?” My partner said, “You could tell your girlfriend’s sister’s friend had been scratched a lot. He had towels, and work gloves and a goalie mask ready. He was prepared for the worst. If I didn’t know why he brought the stuff, I would have said he would look like an idiot. But this cat was ready to be home. There were no problems.”
Your friend’s cat was safely delivered. I thought you would like to know.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 6:33 PM,
howard said…
April,
It was an interesting afternoon. Dr. McCauley and Krystle McGuire (Becky’s mom) returned from their 2-week long trip. They seemed to be very happy and lovey-dovey as you would expect from two people who spent a 2-week vacation together. There was not one word about the difficulties of travel. Instead it was, “I wuv you more.” “No I wuv you more.” It was about to make me nauseous, but it did not last long.
Dr. McCauley spotted the antique furniture that used to be in his old house he shared with his mother. He said to me in my Belfrieda Batsize old lady disguise, “Mom. Why is this furniture here?” I said, “Sir. Mrs. McGuire had selected the items from your old house she considered suitable for this house, and while you were gone, I transported them over.” Dr. McCauley said, “By yourself? They are very heavy.” I said, “I am very resourceful, sir.” Dr. McCauley said, “But what about the other stuff in my house.” Krystle corrected, “Your old house, Ted.” Dr. McCauley said, “Well, what about those, mom?” I said, “Sir. Per your instructions, the remaining items of value were auctioned and the other items you identified as special points of memory were stored in the attic. Anything else was thrown away. The house has been listed with a realtor for the last week you were gone.” Dr. McCauley said, “My instructions were that you were to move all those items yourself without help. Alone. With no one to help you.” I said, “I assure you, sir. I did do it alone. It was difficult, but I managed, sir. I am very resourceful, sir.” Dr. McCauley was livid, “Liar. Liar. Pants on fire. An old lady like you could not have done that alone. You had help. You {bad word}! You {2 bad words}!! You {a whole lot of bad words}!!! You are no mother of mine. You are fired! Get out!! Get out before I throw you out you {more bad words including a few medically-related ones for which I do not know the meanings}.” Krystle said, “Ted, dearest, sweetest. You don’t want to fire Mrs. Batsize. She is like a mother to you.” Dr. McCauley said, “Did you tell Mrs. Batsize to get help?” I said, “I assure you, sir. Mrs. McGuire’s only instructions were that I was to follow your instructions to the letter.” Dr. McCauley said, “So you deliberately disobeyed both of us. Why. Are. You. Still. Here?” I said, “I am departing right now, sir.” And I walked out.
Krystle told me what happened next. She said Dr. McCauley cursed for a long, long time. Then he said to her, “I should have listened to you and hired that Lars guy. You can hire him now to replace that vile, despicable old {bad word}. I can’t believe I called her ‘mom.’” Krystle said, “Lars was deported a month ago.” Dr. McCauley said, “It’s a good thing we didn’t hire him then. We could have had all kinds of trouble. Who can we hire then?” Becky said, “Well, whatever you do, don’t hire Howard.” Krystle said, “What? What are you talking about? You love Howard. What happened while I was gone?” Becky said, “Howard is the worst guy. If you hire him, he’ll be watching me all the time to keep me out of trouble and the guy is freaking anal-retentive when it comes to cleaning up dirt. He would drive me crazy. Hire anyone but Howard.” Dr. McCauley said, “Anyone but Howard? Can he cook?” Becky said, “He’s awful. He doesn’t want to cook the kind of food I like. He likes to cook all that fancy gourmet stuff you and mom like. He is the worst.” Krystle said, “I thought you liked Howard’s cooking.” Becky said, “Mom. Howard makes a good pastry once in awhile that is worth eating like when he worked at your bakery, but the rest of it makes me gag. It’s so gross.” Dr. McCauley said, “Becky, would you give your mother and me a moment alone?” Becky said, “Sure. Just don’t hire Howard. Anyone but him.” Krystle said, “I don’t know what is going on with Becky. She used to love Howard’s cooking.” Dr. McCauley said, “I want to hire him.” Krystle said, “What? After what Becky just said?” Dr. McCauley said, “I know it was Becky who helped that {3 bad words} move all the stuff out of my house.” Krystle corrected, “Your old house, Ted.” Dr. McCauley said, “Whatever. Becky’s trying to make me look bad, like a person out by a bus stop in the rain without an umbrella.” Krystle said, “What? Do you want more fights in the house? It’s obvious Becky and Howard had some kind of fight while we were gone.” Dr. McCauley said, “Nobody makes Dr. Theodore McCauley look like an idiot!!! I will have revenge and the easiest way is to hire Howard.” Krystle said, “But Ted.” Dr. McCauley said, “Don’t ‘but Ted’ me. No, Krystle. That’s final. It’s Howard or nobody. We’ll see how your daughter likes those apples.” Krystle said, “You’re using some unusual analogies, dear. But all right. If you want Howard, we’ll hire him, but you will have to live with the consequences.” Then Krystle went up to my room / Belfrieda’s room, where I was packing and said, “Dr. McCauley wants to hire you Howard.” Becky was in my room and started laughing hysterically (which I did not know why at the time) and by laughing hysterically I mean as hard as I have seen her laugh in a long time. You know the kind of laughing where you actually throw up a little? That kind. Then Krystle started laughing and said, “You little faker. You had Ted completely fooled.” The two women laughed for a long before they finally calmed down and explained what had happened. I was surprised Dr. McCauley had been so easily manipulated by Becky, but then again he was in a highly emotional state when he discovered I had emptied out his old house, cleaned it and put in on the market. By the by, it was tough moving all that stuff by myself. Some of those armoires were pretty heavy. Fortunately, I am in pretty good shape right now.
The best part about this new deal is that I don’t have to wear that Belfrieda Batsize outfit anymore. Krystle was actually very happy the old house had been cleaned out. She said, “No more late night rendezvous over there for Ted. Everything is free and clear until the wedding. I could kiss you Howard.” Becky said, “Back off mom. I am number one on Howard’s list, right?” I said, “Yes you are, my very clever bud.” Becky said, “That’s better and I don’t want to hear any more talk about you marrying Marjee Mahaha.” I told her if she heard any more talk about that, it would not come from me. So, that’s what happened this afternoon. I thought you might like to hear what happened.
Howard K.
At 7:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, the canadian mental health association –milborough branch iz doin’ this new program that sounds perfect 4 me. the mental patients r undergoing a new program. their tracking bracelets r redesigned so they gather stats on mobility & vitals & track them against their meds & othah therapies. then using that, they created a d8ing service that automatically links patients who respond similarly 2 therapies so they can compare notes. by comparing the location data frum othah trackers, they get stats on which therapies make peeps more sociable, by counting the frequency w/which patients stop & spend tyme n proximity 2 othah patients. i found a guy who can get me n2 this d8ing service. i told him my story ‘bout eva last week & he sed he cud definitely get me n. i think i may b able 2 find a new gf w/this. i hope mebbe a girl who duzn’t xxpect me 2 say the rite thing n the right order @the rite tyme. wish me luck.
At 7:23 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, i dunno if that's such a gr8 idea, considering the guy u talked 2 prolly doesn't believe u abt eva & is prolly thinkin' he'll match u up w/sum1 who has delusions.
howard, that's gd newz u get 2 keep the job @ becks's house w/out needing the mrs. batsize costume nemore.
paul, it's v. cube that yr partner was able 2 return faustus 2 dunc like that. ger & i ran in2 dunc's mom when we were downtown this afternoon & she sed if she didn't know ne better, she'd swear that faustus & falstaff were having, like, heavy arguments abt sumthing.
i'll tell u all abt the d8 w/ger in a lil bit. it didn't go xactly as ger planned, 2 say the least.
apes
At 8:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i will nevah get 2 know the luv of a mental institution girl. the guy who i thot wud get me n called & he sed, “ur just 14 yrs old. i thot u were 40. u can’t commit urself wen ur 14.” then he sed sumthin’ that will haunt me 4 the rest of my dayz. he sed, “i called ur mom & told her wut ur tryin’ 2 do.”
mom & i hadda long talk. she sed, “wtf ru doin’, tryin’ 2 get urself committed 2 a mental institution so u cud meet girlz. ru crayzee?” i sed, “well, if i sed ‘yes’, wud u have me committed?” she sed, “y wud u think a crayzee girl wud like u?” i told her the whole story like wut u told me w/sayin’ the rite thingz @the wrong tymez. i sed, “i don’t think i can b w/a normal girl cuz they wud xxpect me 2 alwayz say the rite thing @the rite tyme.” my mom sed, “jeremy wut u rilly have r 2 problemz. #1. u have terrible taste n girlz. #2. ur just like ur father. i think i have been workin’ so hard on #2 w/u that i have been ignorin’ #1. aftah all, the signz r all there. u d8ed that awful st8es girl. u d8ed that cannibal girl tangi origami.” i sed, “anorexic, bulimic.” my mom sed, “ne girl that takes a bite outa u cuz she iz hungry iz a cannibal. don’t interrupt. then u d8ed that becky mcguire girl. if evn ¼ of the storiez i have heard ‘bout her famly ‘round mboro r true, she iz a deeply disturbed girl.”
i sed, “wut have u heard?” my mom sed, “her mother iz livin’ n sin w/a doctor she wunts 2 marry.” i sed, “i think thass true.” my mom sed, “her dad iz an ex-con, who haz had intimate relations w/sum of hiz relatives & haz a number of children w/diffrent motherz ‘round town.” i sed, “i think thass true.” my mom sed, “she hangz around a gay, hair stylist who iz 10 yrs her senior.” i sed, “i think he iz a shampoo girl.” my mom sed, “oh. i think i know the guy. well, w/thoze kinda shampoos, no wondah becky hangz around him.” i sed, “mom pleaze tell me u haven’t hadda a shamp-oh.” my mom sed, “don’t ask the question, if u don’t wanna know the answer.” i sed, “i don’t wanna know the answer.” my mom sed, “good. so a plus mark 4 becky.” i sed, “i don’t think becky haz had 1 of thoze shamp-ohs. her mom won’t sign the waiver.” my mom sed, “ok. anothah strike against becky. az i wuz sayin’, she iz deeply disturbed.” i sed, “iz there a point 2 trashin’ my ex-gfs?” my mom sed, “yes. jeremy. n addition 2 workin’ on u so u won’t b like ur dad, i think i needta start arrangin’ d8es 4u.” i sed, “pleaze don’t. have mercy. i promise 2b good.”
my mom sed, “i dunno y ur complainin’. match-makin’ iz a fine & reputable art n mboro. elly patterson swearz by it. she set up her son w/hiz wife n a v. sneaky way. then her oldest daughter iz d8ing a guy she introduced 2 her daughter n another v. sneaky way. &i think she had sumthin’ 2 do w/the guy her youngest iz d8ing 2.” i sed, “gerald forsythe.” my mom sed, “yes. thass hiz name. or wuz it delaney? neway, v. sneaky lady, but she swearz by match-makin’. jeremy, just let mommy handle it. no more crayzee girlz 4u.” i sed, “not ‘no more’. i didn’t get n2 the mental institution. remembah?” my mom sed, “i wuzn’t evn countin’ thoze institution girlz.”
my mom haz been on the fone all nite w/sum mboro women’s group. i am startin’ 2 get scared.
At 9:02 PM,
April Patterson said…
ok, so like i sed b4, ger had a special d8 planned. he came by around 2 & we walked downtown 2 that new café, big ol' cup. they were having a poetry open mic, & ger did a poem he wrote 4 me. he sed he'll post it l8r when he has a chance. it was v. v. romantic.
after the open mic, ben newsome, fr. the basketball team, was w8ing out front w/ a rickshaw. i don't know how theze boys get ahold of a rickshaw, peeps! ger was all, "ben owez me one, my dear april-flower, so he has agreed 2 transport us around the park & 2 the forsythe estate." so, we got in2 the rickshaw, & brad started chugging along. but u know that area betw the downtown shops & the park, where it gets hilly? well, ben started getting tired & slowin' down. ger was all, "mush! mush!" well, ben got cheesed off, & when he was @ the top of that steep hill by the park? he let go! & so the rickshaw went flying backwards & didn't stop until it hit the display in front of mr. singh's store, where he's got the flowers & leftover st. patrick's leprocauns? & when the rickshaw hit the display, there were flowers & leprocauns everywhere & ger & i were up in the air, 2. & we landed rite on top of luggy's squad car. cuz luggy was in the middle of buying donuts fr. mr. singh. omg was he pissed!
so ben & ger both got in trub 4 operating a rickshaw w/out a license & causing damage 2 property, & luggy took 'em in2 the station. ger talked him in2 letting me go. i dunno what happed next cuz i haven't been able 2 get ger on his cell or the phone @ his house! when i tried calling the house, i got ger's brother, who was all, "when ger gets back, i'm punching him in the stomach." then he hung up on me!
apes
At 9:29 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, jeremy, what has yr mom heard abt my mom & "sneaky ways"?
apes
At 10:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, frum wut ur mom told my mom & wut my mom wuz willin' 2 tell me, ur mom iz rilly sneaky w/picturez. sumthin' 'bout ur sis & ur bro both meetin' their wife & bf cuz of sum pics. i kinda unnerstood it w/ur mom showin' pics 2 the constable of ur sis & that whole advertisin' thing w/ur sis n the bikini. i didn't rilly get it w/ur bro. az 4 u & gigli i have no idea. i dunno wen u & gigli 1st met, but wuz there sumthin' 2 do w/a picture?
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