April's Real Blog: Scare the monsters, attract the Connies

Friday, March 17, 2006

Scare the monsters, attract the Connies

If NE1 had their money on "Connie comez over", U R a winner!

Here'z the next tiny bit of what happed on Sunday nite. I turned on all the lites in the house & sed, "There. I've turned on all the lites. That feels better. ...I'm safe, now." Then there was a "rattle tap" at the door, & I thot, "The dogz R ready 2 come in. Which means I hafta open the door again! ...But ...that''s OK... Because all the lites R one. Creepy thingz h8 the lite." As the dogz were running in2 the door, I saw some1 was standing behind 'em, & I let out a big "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH" B4 I realized it was only Connie. She was all "I came over because I saw all the lites on!"

I know, lotsa U R prolly thinkin', "Well, Duh!" Cuz what's Connie supposta think if she notices ALL the lites R on here in the middle of the nite? Of course she'z gotta think sumthing'z up & wanna check it out. D'oh! I can B so foobish sumtymez!

Jeremy, U R rite, that vision of a scary monsterz under the floorboards? Gone in a flash.

So, NEway, Becks & I have a kinda challenge goin' on against Gerald and Marjee. Becks & I R using diets she's finding online, & Howard's cooking special gourmet diet meals 4 Ger & Marjee. Our challenge is 2 C which works best 4 losing w8 & shrinking measurements. I don't think I wanna post my numbers, Howard, 2 embarrassing! NEway, this started cuz Howard wanted Becky 2 just trust him 2 make d-licious diet meals 4 her insteada trying all theze diff xtreme diets she's finding. & Becks didn't wanna cuz she'z afraid he'll give her more caloriez than she wants 2 eat each day 4 quicker w8 loss.

NEway, I'm heading over 2 Becky's rite after this posts. We've got a lotta working out 2 do!

Apes

41 Comments:

At 8:25 AM, Anonymous said…

Jeremy! That vision April had on the bus? About a black girl with blond hair and green eyes complimenting her accessories and talking about math class? That's something that really happened on the bus with April and me! This means maybe she's starting to remember me! I'm so happy I think I just shimmered!

(Oh, and sorry, but that hairclip wasn't very pretty. Your sister doesn't have great taste in hairclips. The shoes were a-ight.)

Eva
At 9:40 AM, duncan anderson said…

Oh, man, I hardly slept last nite. I found 2 prs of work gloves in Mr Psychos garage an' wore them both. I dunno what noises a cannibal cat wld make so I got up an' checked out the house evry time I hurd NEthing.

Zandra was out driving w/ her Uncle Arne when I was walking 2 Mr Psychos fr the GO station aft work she gave me a ride. I told her I was sick of KD an' she invited me 4 dinner 2morrow nite I dunno if I shld wear my kilt or not.

L8r.
At 9:49 AM, April Patterson said…

dunc, it so sux when u get yrself all freaked out, eh?

i think u shd prolly not wear the kilt 2 dinner, but just save it 4 the play.

btw, have u told yr mom where faustus has ended up? or wd he get 2 mad @ u?

apes
At 10:08 AM, duncan anderson said…

Hey, Apes! Thanks 4 the advice abt the kilt. Im a bit nervous abt dinner 'cos I dunno whether its a d8 or if Zandra just wants 2 reherse Macbeth sum more. BTW, my last post was rong abt Zandra she picked me up last nite an' dinners 2nite. I guess I need 2 drink more coffee aft my rilly bad sleep but the Credit Union coffees crap.

I dunno what 2 do abt Faustus my 'rents think Im @ Disney World so they dont no I no hes run away. Ill hafta think abt it when I go home on Sunday.

My bathroom break is ovah. Only 2 more days of counting peeps!

L8r.
At 11:14 AM, April Patterson said…

dunc, if u want i can call yr mom & tell her that liz found faustus. lemme know!

apes
At 11:47 AM, Anonymous said…

April,

Boozhoo (Hello).

Your sister and I did more ice-fishing this morning. Now we are driving back to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). The cats sit on my lap full of fresh fish and purring when I drive. Your sister explained to me that since we couldn’t put both cats in the carrier at the same time, it wouldn’t be fair to Shiimsa to have her in the carrier alone. It’s dangerous for the cats, if there is an accident. However, the road to the cabin from Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) is not often traveled.

Your sister had a rough night sleeping last night. She woke up screaming which woke up the cats who were snuggled next to me all night purring. She told me she had a nightmare about a black-booted Mountie with a long winter coat chasing after her to get her cat. I asked her what the Mountie looked like. She said, “Oddly enough it looked like Connie Poirier, our next door neighbour in Milborough.” Dreams are very important to the Ojibway. In our language we have 10 different words to describe varieties of dreaming. For example: Bawaazh means “to dream of somebody,” and Bawaadan means “to dream of something,” and Bawaajigehe means “he has dreams.” I asked your sister if she knew what her dream means, but she said she did not know.

Your sister wants the cat Faustus to go back to Milborough and not stay with her. She does not think Shiimsa will follow the “no hiking” rule when she has to leave Shiimsa alone to go teach. I do not have the time off to make that drive. However, my partner is using her time off to do some business in the Big Smoke (Toronto) and she said she would make a side trip to Milborough take Faustus home. I have many extra fresh fish to give my partner to sustain Faustus on the drive. Tell your friend Duncan, Faustus should be home in a few days.

Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:53 AM, April Patterson said…

paul, that's v. interesting abt the dreamz. i guess liz's dream was abt somebody (connie) & something (boots), eh?

apes
At 12:01 PM, Anonymous said…

April,

This is terrible. Paul told Shiimsa and Faustus about the plan to send Faustus home, and now Shiimsa is crying. Nothing I do can console her. I decided to give in to her, and I told her I would let Faustus stay with us. But Paul is insistent that Faustus needs to go back to his owner. He says that by law a cat is property and it would be like stealing for me to keep him, and he can't support that because he's a cop, or something. I told him I would send Faustus back eventually, but he told me that failure to return the cat with "all due haste" would be "unconscionable."

My head hurts.

Liz
At 12:01 PM, howard said…

April,

It’s fun to cook for you and Becky and Gerald and Marjee, even if you and Becky are eating that nasty diet food. Becky was a little perturbed with me this morning, when I revealed that my tasty diet food also contained ingredients known to burn fat. She said, “That’s not fair, Howie. You’re cheating.” However, I told her that all my ingredients were natural and could be easily purchased in any grocery store. I said, “I just turned on all the lite foods. Fatty things hate the lite.”

I think Becky was particularly perturbed by Marjee’s significant hip size reduction from yesterday. Gerald was distressed by it too. He said, “That’s not fair, Howie. She’s going to win and get to marry you because she was fatter than me to start with.” This is true. Gerald already had six-pack abs before he started this diet, and he is on his way to an eight-pack, but he is not going lose a lot of weight or inches compared to the rest of you. I must say, April, your boyfriend has a very nice figure, the type of figure that can be gotten by the use of free weights and not a measly versaclimber. I don’t think I will be able to improve it much, but the look of sheer delight and glee as he eats my food is quite satisfying. His mother must really be an awful cook.

Howard K.
At 12:03 PM, Anonymous said…

WHY?

WHY?

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

MY TRUE LOVE IS LOST TO ME. I NEED A DAGGER. THERE MUST BE A HAPPY DAGGER AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

ANGRA MAINYU
At 12:10 PM, Anonymous said…

April,

Boozhoo (Hello).

Your sister has told me being open and honest is not a profoundly attractive quality, when I use the words “with all due haste" and "unconscionable." I will have to avoid those words in the future, since I don’t want to upset my sweet girl. Your sister tells me Faustus tells her he has a score to settle with a purple-lipped toopid (whatever that is) in Milborough. Your sister tells me Shiimsa has offered a compromise, if we let her have uninterrupted time alone with Faustus. Your sister says her head hurts. I have offered her some dewikwe-mashkikiins(aspirin).

Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 12:44 PM, Anonymous said…

april, anothah gr8 mornin’. i got up & eva & my future sis had made brekkie 4 me & mom & future dad. normally my future sis wud sleep n, which iz wut she normally duz wen she sleeps ovah. there’s sumthin’ ‘bout eva that makes u wanna get up early & do stuff i guess. it wuz still dark out & they had all the lites on. my future sis sed, “sorry 2 wake u up jeremy. i just feelz safer w/all the lites on.”

i wuz eatin’ the brekkie wen my future sis sed, “eva & i have been talkin’ & we have made a decision.” i sed, “this duzn’t sound good.” my future sis sed, “u needta b intim8 w/eva. she haz had a beer, she haz driven a car, she haz insulted peeps. she’z haz done all the thingz teenage girlz do xxcept git off w/a guy.” i sed, “did u rilly agree 2 do this, eva?” eva sed, “ur future sis haz been rite so far. if i wanna b w/my mom & dad again, i think i hafta do it.” i sed, “i allreddy told u guyz, i am not doin’ that. it wud be wrong 2 take advantage of u. i am not changin’ my mind.” eva sed, “but wut if it’s the only way & ur future sis iz rite?” i sed, “no way. i have my principlez.” my future sis sed, “ur principlez. ur dad haz rilly screwed u up, jeremy, if ur turnin’ down a hott girl like eva 4 ur principlez.” eva sed, “wut iz it w/him & hiz dad?” my future sis sed, “jeremy iz like a fanatic ‘bout not lying, cuz hiz dad iz such a big liar. thass the main reazn i b-lieved him wen he wuz tellin’ me u existed. jeremy duzn’t lie, if he can help it & it’s cuz of hiz dad. have u met hiz dad?” eva sed, “yes. on valentine’z day. he wuz kinda nsultin.” my future sis sed, “so cuz of hiz dad, if jeremy sez he won’t do sumthin’, then he won’t do it. he won’t budge. it’s hiz worst quality.” eva sed, “it soundz like a gud quality 2 me.” my future sis sed, “u musta not have had many bfs b4.” eva sed, “it has been hard 2 commit 2 sum1 b4.” my future sis sed, “most tymez a girl can wear down a guy 2 get him 2 do wut she wunts. u nag him & nag him till he gives n. it works w/most guyz, but not jeremy.” eva sed, “so how did hiz othah gfs get him 2 do stuff?” my future sis sed, “most tymez jeremy sez yes 2 stuff. most tymez he wud do nething 4 his gf. of course mosta hiz gfs have treated him like crap.” eva sed, “i have noticed he duz take a lotta abuse frum hiz gfs.” my future sis sed, “but every once n awhile he makes sum st00pid decision & he won’t budge. he can b a real pain-n-the-ass wen he duz that.” i sed, “w8 a minute. y didn’t i think of this b4? i know a way 4 me 2 get eva off w/o havin’ 2 touch her girl parts.” so we r headed out 2 sugar’s hair salon.
At 12:55 PM, howard said…

April,

Your very rude friend Jeremy showed up in the salon, went right up to me in front of people who are patiently waiting and said, “I need a shamp-Oh right now, Howard.” I said to him, “Shamp-Ohs are for women only.” He said, “It’s not for me, it’s for Eva.” Jeremy had been followed in by a teenage girl who looked somewhat like a young Kate Winslet. I pointed to her and said, “Is that Eva?” Jeremy said, “Who? No. That’s my future sister. Eva is right here.” Then he pointed at open space. I said, “Are you still going on about your imaginary friend? I thought I told you to see Fiona Brass.” Jeremy said, “We saw Fiona Brass and she said Eva needs to experience things she has never experienced, so she needs a shamp-Oh.” I said, “Well, your imaginary friend will have to wait in line behind the real people.” Jeremy and his Kate Winslet-looking sister took a seat with an empty chair in between them, I guess for his imaginary friend. I don’t know what kind of stupid thing he’s going to say when he gets to the front of the line. I am so glad Becky broke up with this nut. She is way too good for him.

Howard K.
At 12:59 PM, April Patterson said…

so, when becks didn't know where i was, i was runnin' on her indoor track. now becks & i r about 2 change in2 our swimsuits so we can swim sum laps.

apes
At 1:05 PM, Anonymous said…

rebeccah, u nevah treated me like crap. thass just my future sis’ opinion. well there wuz the xxplodin’ clownz & the kicked-n locker, but i deserved that, so it duzn’t count.

neway, ur friend howeird iz n snit ‘bout sumthin’. my future sis sez, “like duz he alwayz wear a dress 2 work?” i sed, “i think so.” my future sis sez, “he shud definitely consider shavin’.” eva thot that wuz funny. so we r w8ing. ur friend howard iz so slow. y duz it take so long 4 80-yr-old women 2 get an orgazm? my future sis sed, “ew. old ladies. ew. i wondah if i can get a shampoo aftah eva iz done.” eva sed, “how iz he gonna do this? he can’t c me or touch me.” i sed, “same way u drove a car.” my future sis, “wtf? i don’t get it.” eva sed, “i do. thass kinda smart. it mite work.” i sed, “i hope so.” she iz xxplainin’ it 2 my future sis while we w8. april’z neighbour, connie poirier iz gettin’ a shamp-oh now. i can kinda cy she wud scare april n the middle of the nite. she iz not a pretty woman.
At 1:17 PM, howard said…

April,

I think Jeremy may be gay. He got to the front of the shamp-Oh line and said to me, “Howard. You can’t touch Eva, but I can. So I need you to put your hands on my hands and give Eva a shamp-Oh by moving my fingers to do it.” I said, “You want me to move your fingers?” Jeremy said, “Yes. That’s right.” I said, “A shamp-Oh is more than just fingers. You have to move your entire arm. Not only that, but every person is different. There is not a generic shamp-Oh. You have to listen to the person carefully to judge which technique should be used.” Jeremy said, “But Eva needs to get off with a guy, so she can turn real again.” I said, “If you can touch her, there are a lot easier ways to get a girl off than by doing a shamp-Oh.” Jeremy said, “That would be taking advantage of her. I am not doing that. No way. No how.” I said, “What do you want me to do, you stubborn ass.” Jeremy said, “Move my fingers and arms to give Eva a shamp-Oh.” I said, “And how can I tell if it is working?” Jeremy said, “I will let you know what she says.” I said, “She won’t be talking, if it is working.” Jeremy said, “I will imitate the sounds she makes.” The Kate Winslet-like girl said, “I can hear her too. I’ll help.”

I can see Jeremy and his future sister are two peas in the crazy pod patch. I got duct tape, and duct taped my arms and hands to Jeremy’s. Jeremy said, “Do you have to use the duct tape?” I said, “If we are going to do this incredibly stupid thing, we might as well do it right.” It is really hard to type this with Jeremy hands duct taped to mine. I will write after we are done with this lunacy.

Howard K.
At 1:58 PM, Anonymous said…

april, gr8 newz. gr8 newz. eva iz back. of course, u prolly don’t evn remembah she wuz gone. well, lemme tell u wut happed aftah my last post, neway.

howard duct-taped hiz armz & hands 2 mine & we gave eva a shamp-oh. we got started & he sed, “ok. make wutevah noizes she is makin’.” eva sed, “1st i hafta take my hair outa this bun.” she did & i sed, “wow. eva it’s like u have a giant mane of blonde hair. it looks rilly gud. u shud wear it down more often.” eva sed, “thanx, but i prefer a bun.” howard sed, “iz she leaning back in the chair yet? this duct tape is pullin’ on my hair & it duzn’t feel gud.” so we started doin’ the shamp-oh & it musta looked strange cuz peepz were starin’. howard n his dress w/hiz arms around me & my future sis & i were tryin’ 2 make the same soundz like eva, which wuz a lotta moanin’. it prolly looked like we were doin’ it, xxcept we had clothez on & we had our handz in a shampoo sink. the othah weird thing was the fingahs. wen howard duz this shamp-oh stuff his fingahs r movin’ like rilly fast & n all kindz of weird directionz, kinda like they wud look n a 3-d movie, where the girl iz reaching 4 a door knob thass rilly big n the picture. wen we got 2 the end of it, eva wuz screamin’ “yes. yes. yes.” rillly loud & so wuz my future siz & i wuz tryin’ 2 keep up. my future sis rilly got n2 it. she wuz almost az loud az eva.

then this amazin’ thing happened. like a rainbow of colour surrounded eva & she shimmered big tyme. then howard sed this rilly weird thing. he sed, “so, eva how did u like ur v. first shamp-oh? i am so glad ur mom signed the waiver.” he pointed ovah @this tall blonde lady i nevah saw b4. eva knew her tho. she got up & ran ovah 2 her w/her hair still rilly wet & she grabbed her rilly tite & she wuz cryin’ a lot & sayin’ “mom. mom.” & drippin’ all ovah her. howard sed, “now there’z a girl who appreciates her mom.” my future sis sed, “jeremy. wut happened? where’z the duct tape?” i sed, “i dunno.” aftah eva calmed down a little she sed, “mom. thiz iz my friend jeremy & his future sis.” her mom sed, “it is so nice 2 finally meet sum of eva’s friends. she haz told me ‘bout meetin’ sum girl n her histry class & sum peeps@lunch, but she can nevah seem 2 get ne of them 2 come ovah 2 visit. well dear, i think ur supposed 2 get ur hair done next. the lady @the front recommends that woman w/the rilly thin hips named marjee. she sez she duz an xxcellent job w/the young hairstylez.”

my future sis & i figgered that noboby remembahz eva b-ing gone. so prolly wen u read this u wondah wut the heck i am talkin’ ‘bout. az near az i can tell, ur blog comments did not change, so the story iz all there. aftah eva got her hair done by marjee n a non-bun style 2b diffrent, she sed 2 her mom, “i gotta talk 2 jeremy & his future sis 4 a minute.” eva sed, “jeremy. u have been gr8. becky iz rilly lucky 2 have u & if she’z smart she’ll take u back, assumin’ she evn remembahz she broke up w/u. don’t take this wrong, but i’m not gonna spend nemore tyme w/u rite now. i plan 2 spend a lotta tyme w/my ‘rents. i nevah knew how much i loved them till now. also, i am rilly, rilly glad u have principlez. then she sed 2 my future sis, “ur gr8 2 & so smart. keep jeremy outa trubble.” my future sis sed, “an mpossible task.”

my future sis and i went back 2 my house. i didn’t know wut 2 xxpect. i wuz hopin’ it wud b back 2 normal, but it wuzn’t. it wuz still super clean. my future sis sed, “i think i can take theze girlz clothez off ur handz, but mebbe u wanna leave the pink stuff n ur room.” i sed, “take it all. all the pink. no more pink n my room & i getta sleep n my own bed 4 a change.” april, thanx 4 loanin’ me the cot, assumin’ u remembah loanin’ it 2 me. i will bring it back 2 ur house az soon az i get this pink outa here.
At 2:14 PM, howard said…

April,

What Sugar likes are new customers. Jeremy convinced your friend Eva and her mom to come into Sugar’s salon. Eva was so excited about the shamp-Oh, she ran to hug her mom before I could get a towel on her hair. Marjee gave her a new hairstyle that looks really good. If you have any friends that haven’t visited Sugar’s, she would love for them to come in. There’s my business plug for the day. See you at supper time, where I will get to cook you some Atkin’s diet food. Atkin’s is lot better than those junky diets you were doing. Steak baby. Steak for you and Becky. Marjee and Gerald will also have a steak, just so they don’t feel jealous, except it will include seasonings that are not on the Atkin’s list. Some nice fat-burning seasonings.

Howard K.
At 2:32 PM, April Patterson said…

jeremy, did eva go away 4 march break? & get back 2day? hope she went sumwhere cube. & i'm glad she liked her shamp-Oh & got a cute new hairdo. that alwayz helps lift a girl's spirits. i hope she won't get that "bun" curse i have l8ly.

apes
At 2:34 PM, Anonymous said…

See, I'm the stylist with the slim hips! Yay Howard and yay me!

Marjee

P.S. That Eva girl really loves her new look!
At 2:45 PM, Anonymous said…

I'm very relaxed right now, and I LOVE my hair. Jeremy's future sister says I look kind of like Lil Kim in this picture, though with a more prominent nose, greener eyes, and blonder hair.

Eva

P.S. My parents and I are going out to eat at Lulu's Tutu! I love my parents!
At 2:47 PM, April Patterson said…

becks & i had a great swim. we did sum ashtanga in the yoga studio, and now we're headed off to the racquetball court. i m gonna sleep sooooo well 2nite!

apes
At 3:29 PM, Anonymous said…

Howard says you're trying to psyche me out, Becky. Well played! Howard measured me today and we're definitely getting results already. The man works miracles!

Marjee
At 3:51 PM, Anonymous said…

rebeccah, if u ask howard, i am sure he will tell u he wuz the 1 who gave eva the shamp-oh & not me. thass prolly how he remembahz it.

i asked my future sis that question u had ‘bout y she wud think u wud like me aftah i gave eva an orgasm. she sed, “bettah b w/a boy who can than a boy who can’t.” her prioritiez r a little whacked sumtymez.

my future sis duz have a name, but aftah reading ur last post 2 me she sed, “that girl needz prozac. don’t give her my name. she’ll track me down & stalk me.” she’z just kiddin’ i think. u wud like my future sis. she’z way cube. she hazta go back 2 TO now cuz her dad (my future dad) sez she haz spent 2 much tyme in mboro.

neway, r we on 4 a d8 2nite or ru 2 bizzy doin’ that workout stuff?
At 4:02 PM, howard said…

Becky,

I don’t think steak + bacon + eggs + fried chicken all at the same meal is Atkin’s. However, if that’s what you want, that’s what I will cook. Not only will I cook it, but I will be happy to provide you with a barf bag at dinner or a comfortable place to sleep near the toilet bowl tonight. I have seen the list of approved Atkin’s spices on-line, however, since you seem to have a special information line to Atkin’s dieting, please let me know if the ones I have seen are ones you also approve. It will take all my cooking skill to make your suggested dinner one appealing for consumption.

By the by, thanks a lot for taunting Marjee. She has been looking at her butt in the mirror ever since then and she wants me to go over and measure it between shamp-Ohs to make sure it hasn’t grown since the last time I measured it. Thanks for that. That was really helpful.

Just to let you know. Jeremy Jones does not do shamp-Ohs in this salon, nor is in any kind of junior shamp-Oh training program. This is a job for professionals only.

Howard K.
At 4:03 PM, Anonymous said…

rebeccah, i kinda hoped u had 4gotten ‘bout that breakin’ up thing. wud it help if i sed i thot u had skinny hips?
At 4:26 PM, April Patterson said…

becks & i r gonna do the billy banks bootcamp basic-training video in her video fitness studio. then we r gonna buy sum groceriez so we can cook 4 ourselvez 2nite.

apes
At 5:11 PM, April Patterson said…

the supermarket has this special "atkins sampler" i thot we shd buy. since it, like, seemz 2 have an official endorsement from the atkins peeps. it's got lobster precooked in butter, bacon fried in lard, extra-creamy havarti cheese (not for dixie!), eggs benedict, and a special custard 4 dessert. oh, & a green salad with an oil-and-cream dressing. it's hard 2 believe u'd actually lose w8 eating this way, but like i sed, it's like an official atkins thing.

apes
At 5:18 PM, Anonymous said…

howard, my future sis got me tix 2c the blue man group @the panasonic theatre n TO, 2nite, which she duzn’t wunt cuz she saw them n vegas. i thot rebeccah & me & gigli & april cud dubble-d8, but since rebeccah iz bizzy w/the atkin’s & u don’t hafta cook 4 her mebbe u wunt them? it’s 4 tickets 2gethah n the poncho section, wutevah that meanz.
At 5:19 PM, howard said…

Jeremy,

That’s very kind of you. As it turns out, Marjee Mahaha and Gerald are over here at Becky’s for their evening dinner, and free weight workout. They are both interesting in seeing the show.

I saw the Blue Man Group when I was in Las Vegas with Kortney Krelbutz. The poncho section in that show sits close where things from the stage may spray out on you. Since you have 4 tickets, why don’t you come with us? It’s a lot easier to get over a breakup when you are with other people. Come over for dinner and a workout. The food is going to be great, because the stove will not be polluted with the smell of any other kind of diet foods, being forced on me by a certain person who doesn’t seem to appreciate my cooking anymore.

Jeremy, you should just look at your break-up with Becky as providence. Becky and you were not well-suited for each other, and it was finally time she realized it. Now you can pursue girls that will be attracted to you as a person, and not just your audio board skills.

Howard K.
At 5:36 PM, Anonymous said…

howard, mebbe the food. i dunno ‘bout the workout. wut kinda girlz do u think wud b attracted 2 me az a person?
At 5:37 PM, howard said…

Jeremy,

We are dining now, so come over anytime. I have a plate saved for you. I am sure if you try free weights you will love using them. It is good for releasing those relationship ending stresses. As for what girls you should consider, I would l say, considering your appearance, maybe middle-aged women in their 30s. Just don’t tell them how old you really are or that you still live with your mother.

Howard K.
At 5:38 PM, Anonymous said…

howard, i luv the way ur nice 2 me & insult me @the same tyme. it kinda remindz me of sum1. ur advice iz terrible, but @least u cook good.

cu n a few.
At 6:06 PM, howard said…

Becky,

I stand corrected. Jeremy has more positive traits than just his audio board skills. He has written down your list. Gerald just whipped out his list of “good things about Gerald” to compare. I believe Gerald is the winner in that contest. Marjee said to me, “Men. Always comparing to see who is the longest.”

Howard K.
At 6:52 PM, April Patterson said…

mm, becks & i r eating now. this stuff is actually yummy. the dogz r lookin' on jealously, of course, since they're dogz.

apes
At 6:53 PM, Anonymous said…

Boys. So competitive. Hmm, I wonder if I can do more sets on the bench press than Gerald in our next workout.

Marjee
At 7:25 PM, Anonymous said…

april, i just had the supper pl8 howard saved 4 me & i all i can say iz if this iz how howard cooks wen rebeccah insults hiz cookin’, then she shud insult hiz cookin’ more often. my mouth almost had an orgasm. howard just looked @me smilin’ & sed, “& it will help u lose weight 2.” i can cy gigli & marjee wanna marry the guy. i think i wanna marry him 2. thiz food mite b worth havin’ 2 have butt sex & b seen ‘round mboro w/an ugly guy who wearz dresses. i’m getting’ secondz. marjee & gigli r yellin’ numbahz @each othah n the free weight room. i dunno y.
At 7:55 PM, Anonymous said…

Can't. Do. Another. Set.

Gerald's doing another set.

Must do another set.

Marjee
At 7:58 PM, April Patterson said…

need pepto. becks, does atkins allow pepto?

apes
At 8:26 PM, April Patterson said…

tho i don't think carbonate = carbohydr8. mayB we shd call that atkins hotline u found?

apes
At 1:36 AM, Anonymous said…

april, sorry 2 hear u guyz r sick. we got back frum blue man group. it iz a wild show. i wished u guyz could have been there w/us. howard sat between gigli & marjee cuz they r both like madly n love w/hiz food & they were flirtin’ w/him. i sat b-side marjee cuz i don’t like sittin’ by ur bf. he wuz sayin’ howard-flower way 2 many tymez 4 me 2 lissen 2 it.

i wuz thinkin’ ‘bout proposin’ 2 howard myself, but the more i thot ‘bout butt sex, the more i realized i cud live w/o food that made my mouth orgasm. i h8 2 say it april, but gigli may dump u4 howard. i guess wen u hafta live on hiz mom’z extreme diet cookin’ it makes u desperate. i am glad my mom iz a pretty good cook, or i mite b more tempted. u bettah hope gigli losez that contest w/marjee. i wuz readin’ ovah a couple of posts of urs frum a few dayz ago that sed u might want gigli 2 win so u don’t hafta marry him. that wud be a surprise. if u wanted 2 d8 a guy u didn’t wanna marry, u shud go w/a guy like me. ne1 i d8 iz gonna drop me n a month or 2. becky will tell u i am the perfect guy 2 commit 2 not 2 commit 2. mebbe i shud learn 2 cook like howard. i can tell marjee wuz pretty serious ‘bout wantin’ 2 marry him. she had that “in-love” look. kinda freaky, if u ask me.

i dunno y marjee iz so innerested n howard. wut iz it w/girlz likin’ gay guyz? i know they dress better & stuff, but u wud think girlz wud miss the sex. of course now i think ‘bout it, supposedly u don’t have sez aftah ur married & have kidz, so mebbe it duzn’t mattah 2 marjee. if u aren’t havin’ sez then wut duz it mattah wut ur orientation iz, eh? that cud b it. iz that yu wanna give gigli 2 howard?

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Friday, March 17, 2006

Scare the monsters, attract the Connies

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