April's Real Blog

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

"Amazing"?

Oh, 4 heav's sake. Dad was gushin' last nite when he was tellin' me abt Mike pickin' up him & Mom @ the airport. He sed, "April! Yr brother noticed that we looked like we had a gr8 holiday! And he took our luggage & brot the car 'round b-cuz it was cold outside! Yr mother sed, 'What a nice yung man our son has turned out 2 B.' And I told her, '...Amazing, isn't it.'"

Whatevs, Dad. What's amazing is that U're so amazed & U an' Mom think Mike is so nice. Another flabbergasted reaction that 1 of yr adult kidz acts like an adult & not like a baboon, so now U & Mom can break yr arms patting yrselves on the back abt what gr8 'rents U R. ::puke::

OMG, Howard, U R way, way 2 nice! I can't believe U went over 2 Gramps & Iris's place & handled his disgusting feet. They shd give U mucho & 4 that!

Gotta fly, peeps!

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 7:37 AM  

17 Comments:

  • At 2:01 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Hi Apes, I hope u’r feeling better after yr mad diet last week. Neway, I finally have a chance 2 post after a buzy week. 4 the past 6 days I’ve been @ the skate park w/Gordie while he trains 4 the X-gamez. He says he needs me 2 critique his moves. If he goes 4 more than 2 minutes w/o falling down, he’s skating decently, I figure. It’s still hella cold out, so I’m glad there’s a Horny Tim’s 2 doors down. I can have mochas while he kick-flips, ollies & McTwists.

    My mom’s gearing up for her nonfiction writing class @ the community college next month. She asked her students n advance 2 submit ideas they’d like 2 work with, pretty much nething “n the realm of life experience.” Okaay. So I saw this printout by her monitor on her desk last nite of ideas every1’s submitted. Sum of them could b good—1 guy wants 2 write about his dad teaching him how 2 drive, this 1 lady wants 2 write about a bad Thanksgiving dinner @ her dad and stepmom’s house n Saskatoon, & then there’s the item 4 Eleanor Patterson: “Those Marvelous Mexicans: The Noble Natives of the South.” It seems like a funny coincidence, since yr foax just got back from their Baja trip!

    Gordie wants me 2 go shopping 4 skateboard decals after school, so if neone wants 2 join us, tell me here or txt me. :-)

    Vicks

     

  • At 2:19 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    vicks, omg, that totally soundz like my mom. i m soooo sorry yr mom is gonna hafta read my mom'z dreck!

    i'd b glad 2 join u after school! i can't hang that long cuz of my grampa jim's b-day celebration, but i can 4 a lil bit.

    apes

     

  • At 2:25 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    That'd b cube, Apes! Mebbe we can head 2 Starbucks or Vintage Vinyl too. I wanna c if the new Queensryche CD is n stores.

    If that is yr mom n the writing class, I'm sure we'll get lotsa laughs from her work, so no worries....lol. & tell yr grandpa I hope he has a fabulous b-day & year ahead. :-)

    Vicks

     

  • At 2:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April flower,

    I am sorry that I haven't written before now. This is what happened after Officer Luggsworth apprehended myself and Ben Newhouse.

    We were taken to the police station, and I was put in a little room all alone. Fortunately, the little room had a big mirror in it, so I was able to groom myself. I was a tad unkempt after our rickshaw accident, and Mater says that good grooming is essential for a young man who wants to be a success in life. It was then that I noticed one of my shirt buttons had been torn off in the fracas. I immediately took my Emergency Sewing Kit from my wallet and began to sew on a new button.

    It was then I first thought I heard soft laughter. I looked around, but I couldn't figure out where it would be coming from, so I went back to sewing. Fortunately for me, there was this one bright spotlight over the table, which was very good for sewing.

    I was just getting my shirt all tucked in when Officer Luggsworth came into the room. "Finish your mending, Heloise?" he asked me in a distinctly unfriendly tone. I was confused for two reasons: 1) How did he know I was sewing?, and 2) My name is not Heloise. So I told him, "I think you may have put the wrong information down on your booking sheet. I told you, my full name is Gerald Millicent Delaney Forsythe. There is no Heloise in there."

    Officer Luggsworth said, "Sit down and shut up." So I did.

    Then Officer Luggsworth produced a file. It had my name on it, and it was very thick. "Gerald Forsythe, nee Delaney. We know all about you."

    "You do?" I asked. I was surprised. I have never been in trouble with the law before. Then I said, "Maybe you saw me at the trial of my friend, Duncan Anderson, aka MCDunC. He is a bit of a miscreant, but I assure you, I have always stayed on the right side of the law. Pater has always impressed upon me the sovereign importance of--"

    "Shut up, Forsythe," he told me. Then he said, "We've been gathering information on you ever since you began to succumb to the Patterson Allure."

    I began to blush. "Officer Luggsworth," I said, "I just want to let you know that some of those activities you probably observed were prescribed by my doctor to relieve certain unpleasant tensions that are apparently common in adolescent boys--"

    "What did I tell you, Forsythe?"

    "Shut up," I mumbled quite meekly.

    "That's right. Anyway, do you recognize this photo?" he asked, and he held up the 8x10" glamour shot of April that appeared in my mailbox shortly before my first day of school the year I met April. In it, April's ponytail was on top of her head, and it was all curly and windblown, and it cascaded just like a waterfall. Her bangs were teased up really, really high. And she was wearing this really gorgeous little pink tutu outfit with sequins.

    "Yes," I said. "That's the picture of April that I got in the mail right before I met her."

    "In the mail. Hmm. Was there a return address on the envelope?"

    I said, "I don't know. I would have to look. I don't usually look at the envelope."

    Officer Luggsworth's eyes goggled at me. "You still have the envelope?" he asked, incredulous.

    "I use it to protect the photo from exposure to harsh light," I told him primly. "It's got a place of honor in my April shrine."

    Anyway, to make a long story short, Officer Luggsworth came over to my house and retrieved both the envelope and the glamour shot inside it. I was devastated. Not only have I lost my prized glamour shot, but Officer Luggsworth tells me that it and the envelope it came in are going to be the crucial pieces of evidence against Mrs. Patterson in the Crown's case against her for running prostitution and child pornography rings.

    Officer Luggsworth says that it's a longshot case and his boss doesn't like the idea of trying to take down someone as big as Elly Patterson. At this point, Officer Luggsworth stopped and laughed so hard he cried. I asked why. He explained the double entendre in which "big" refers both to Mrs. Patterson's reputation as well as to her girth. Anyway, I guess convicting your mother is Officer Luggsworth's little pet project. And I just gave him a big helping hand. I don't know whether you'll be mad at me, or thank me. I am sorry. I like your mother just fine. Her casseroles are outstanding.

    Anyway, after that, my brother came into my room, saw my April shrine denuded of its brightest ornament, and punched me in the stomach. It was a hard punch, and I have been convalescing ever since. Until this morning. When I actually went to school despite the pain. Mater says I am a real trooper.

    Devotedly, Gerald

     

  • At 3:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Shiimsa is so depressed. I don't know what to do. She says she doesn't feel worthy of the name ANGRA MAINYU any more. It breaks my heart to see my kitty so sad.

    In other news, Jesse Mukwa was beaten up pretty badly yesterday. Two girls in my class, Alice and Ellen, found out that he was two-timing them. I have to say that I think Jesse got what he deserved.

    It was also a marvelous teaching opportunity. I showed the girls how white women hold frying pans when delivering a beating to a two-timing man. And Alice and Ellen showed me that Ojibwe women usually hold a ceremonial talking stick. This shows that the beating is meant to convey a non-verbal message. However, the girls agreed that they like a frying pan much better.

    It was one of those magical times when I feel so connected to my adopted home.

    Sincerely, Liz

     

  • At 3:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    MY BELOVED FAUSTUS,

    I HOPE YOU HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ME. I WILL NEVER FORGET OUR TIME TOGETHER.

    I HAVE MADE A BIG DECISION. I AM GOING TO TELL MY LITTLE HUMAN FRIEND THAT I AM READY TO HAVE A LITTER OF KITTENS. I WANT TO HAVE THEM WITH YOU, MY LOVE. HAVING A LITTER OF GIANT, DROOLING KITTENS IS THE BEST WAY I CAN THINK OF TO SHOW YOU MY UNDYING LOVE AND DEVOTION.

    LOVE ALWAYS, SPENTA MAINYU

     

  • At 3:25 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Sweet! Vintage has Mindcrime II. I dunno if this'll b as good as Operation Mindcrime. Did ne of u know that all the members of Queensryche went thru rehab 4 heroin addiction after recording Op. Mindcrime? I remember what Maynard told me about drugs. They don't fry ur brain, but clear a path 2 the brain cells that matter. Marjee sed he wrote her from prison, he has lots of time 2 write!

    That's exciting, Becks! U could wear ur new lavender cashmere sweater from Banana Republic w/some boot-cut jeans. It'd b classy.

    Vicks

     

  • At 4:08 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, ger, i nev knew my mom gave u a glam shot the yr we met! i can't believe she started w/that stuff so early! oh, btw, when u were in that rm, the mirror u looked in2 was, like, a window on the other side. that's how come luggy knew u were sewing & u musta heard laffing on the other side when he was watching u. sorry yr bro punched u in the stomach again!

    vicks & i got sum cd's @ vintage vinyl & we r now @ the 'bucks w8ing 4 gordie, who's still picking out accessoriez 4 his sk8bd. becks, the outfit vicks mentioned is a good choice. or the 1 we put 2geth & called yr "no1 can resist becks" outfit. that's v. xciting re. drew fontaine.

    liz, i m sorry 2 hear shiimsa is so sad. dunc sez faustus's behaviour has been a lil odd l8ly.

    apes

     

  • At 6:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, that d8 drew has planned soundz v. cube & yr outfit soundz hott! u hafta tell us all abt the d8 after, eh?

    apes

     

  • At 8:34 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I will take that 10 bucks, thank you. Nun’s outfit. Honestly. Just because I try to teach you a few things that are different from what your parents taught you, like “Don’t eat with your fingers” and “Avoid criminal acts which the Crown considers to be an indictable offence” does not mean I believe in dressing you like a nun. We have been shopping together before, you may remember, and I consider my taste in women’s clothes to be impeccable, thank you. As for your mom’s “totally slinky top”, as your bud I think I need to remind you of something your mom has that you don’t – implants. Accenting your navel ring is a very good idea because your abs are much better developed than your mom’s. However, overall I disapprove of the top. You do not need to be wearing an outfit that screams, “I am only 14.” The designer jeans and stiletto boots are fine, particularly the boots. Since my supper club gig at the Valhalla has not started yet, this would be the perfect time for us to go shopping. Hint. Hint.

    Your dad has been really mysterious about my opera costumes for my Valhalla debut. I don’t know why. I do, however, know exactly how he got the New Bentwood Rockers after we failed to recruit them. Apparently last night, April’s grandpa Jim and Iris engaged in some “rejuvenating activities.” So when your dad promised to buy them all those new hoveround scooters, he quickly agreed. I think April’s grandpa Jim wants to reconnect with his old bottom-signing fan base. The old pervert. That’s the last time I massage his feet, like I did yesterday.

    I am actually quite happy you are going out with a young man with a nice body, instead of some guy that looks 40 or has abnormal purple lips. Of course, considering this is Milborough, that probably means your date is gay or is a late straight age bloomer. Nevertheless, it is a definite improvement. Congratulations. And if you want to take advantage of my shopping expertise, I will be happy to pay. Your mother snuck me a well-deserved bonus after I cleaned up Dr. McCauley’s nasty old house over March break. Plus I owe my bud big time for the act you did on Dr. McCauley to get me hired as Howard. It is so nice not to have to wear Belfrieda Batsize, my old lady costume, anymore.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 8:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your brother and picking up your parents at the airport. It is good your parents take pride in your brother. I wish many of my people would do the same with their children. It helps so much to speak well of someone in your family. Since your sister likes me to be open and honest, I should say this is a lesson you could learn from your parents. I have noticed some of your writings do not speak well of other people. Use your mother as an example of good behaviour. She is a fine woman and I can tell your sister has learned much from her.

    Your sister is a very good teacher also. I read her writing how she showed Alice and Ellen they were not using the ceremonial giigidowin baataasin (talking stick) properly and showed them how to use the ceremonial zaasakokwaajigan (frying pan) instead. You may not be familiar with the giigidowin baataasin (talking stick). The giigidowin baataasin (talking stick) has been used for centuries by the Ojibway as a means of resolving conflict. When matters of great concern came before the band council, the leading elder would hold the giigidowin baataasin (talking stick) and begin the discussion. When he finished what he had to say he would hold out the giigidowin baataasin (talking stick), and whoever wished to speak after him would take it. In this manner the stick was passed from one individual to another until all who wished to speak had done so. Your sister is so smart to help Alice and Ellen with this important Ojibway tradition. It is another reason why I have fallen in love with your sister.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 9:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i am so glad u think rebeccah goin’ out w/drew fontaine, the guy who haz given ur bf so many swirliez & haz publicly humil8ed gigli more tymez than nebody else ncludin’ gigli, makes u happy. i dunno wut 2 think ‘bout u april. do u rilly h8 rebeccah, so c-ing her w/a guy like drew makes u happy? or do u just say happy thingz back 2 peeps no mattah wut they tell u? or ru b-in’ rilly sarcastic, like i do sumtymez. if it iz sarcastic, then i am 4 it. it wud b an amazing mprovement, imo.

    az 4 me, shannon lake iz now my best bud. that wuz way scary 2 rite. my locker haz not been touched all day, despite some1 w/the initialz d.f. tryin’ 2 get 2 it all day, thanx 2 shannon guardin’ it. u may not know this but alice moinonplus (drew’s ex-gf) & chelsea chasteté, my mom’s matchmaker d8 4 me 4 friday were bff yestahday & now they r not. they hadda huge fite n the cafetorium @lunch tyme. u mita heard sumthin’ bout it, cuz every1 wuz talkin’ bout it. they sed a lotta bad wordz n french. it wuz educational. then rebeccah gets asked out by drew. coincidence? i don’t think so. rebeccah iz gonna get played again, like she did back n grade 8.

     

  • At 9:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i was just happy 4 becks cuz she likes drew & is happy 2 b going on a d8 w/him. just like i'll be happy 4 u if yr d8 w/chelsea chasteté goez well. it's true that drew has given ger swirliez, but ger still likes & admirez him, so go fig. i'm sorry if i got u upset. i hope what u say abt becks getting played isn't true!

    abt chelsea & alice in the caf? all i heard was there was a lot of "tu es dégoutante!" & "salope!" stuff like that.

    paul, learning fr. my mom 2 speak well of ppl? lol, i luv yr sense of humour!

    becks, clothes shopping w/howard? that's sumthing i wdn't pass up! he'z got gr8 taste in women's clothes.

    apes

     

  • At 11:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, aftah readin' how ur defendin' drew cuz gigli still likes him, all i can say iz "you're amazin'."

     

  • At 11:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Becky and Jeremy,

    I am very pleased to hear that Becky is going out with my good friend Drew Fontaine. Obviously, Jeremy does not understand that swirlies and garbage can stuffing are time-honored rituals that young men engage in to show affection, rather than hugging and kissing like girls do. This is to make sure no one thinks you are gay.

    Drew Fontaine is an upstanding young man. He is on the hockey, basketball, wrestling, baseball, football, and soccer teams, and does all this while still maintaining the minimum acceptable grade point average of 2.0 for those students wishing to participate in athletic extracurriculars.

    Drew is also a very kind and thoughtful young man. He often helps the special needs boy on our basketball team to understand the intricacies of the plays that Coach teaches us. Also, he volunteers with his mother at the Seniors Living Palace every Sunday after church. Don't tell him I told you that, though. He is modest and likes to keep his good works a secret so that others do not think he is boasting.

    Becky may find that Drew does not have as refined a taste as her for the artistic pursuits. However, Drew is always eager to learn about new things.

    Jeremy, I suspect that you do not want Becky to go out with Drew Fontaine, not because of his supposed bad character, but because you are jealous. Let me just say this: you should never have kept an invisible girl in your house, if you want to keep a lovely, talented, wonderful girl like Becky as your girlfriend. Every boy in school thinks she is tops. The only reason she has not been inundated with offers for dates is that many boys are intimidated by her star status. They think she is out of their league (which she is, of course). Even a boy as successful and popular as Drew Fontaine was too nervous to ask her out until I told him that Becky is a very nice girl who would welcome his gentlemanly advances.

    I hope this clears up your misapprehensions about my friends good character. I hope you will not go around school spreading tales besmirching his character simply because you are jealous of him for dating Becky. Every boy in school will be jealous, but I'm sure they will control themselves and act in their most proper and gentlemanly manner.

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

    P.S.--Becky and Howard, might I accompany you on your shopping trip tomorrow? I want to get my little April flower a birthday gift, and I would like your advice about picking it out.

     

  • At 11:57 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Gerald,

    I would be glad for you to accompany Becky and me shopping, particularly since you have gotten over your penchant for proposing to me. There is a condition. You will not try to show off for Becky. No jumping over things, no riding moving objects, no muscle flexing to rip your shirts, no sliding off of very well-polished things, and especially no jokes involving the word "dude". When my mind is on women's fashions, I must not be distracted.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 12:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    gerald, that stuff u rote ‘bout drew fontaine iz damn funny. i alwayz thot u were stiff az a board & seriously messed up, but dude, i wuz spittin’ coffee on the keyboard wen i read it. ur 1 funny dude.

     

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