5-Evah?
So, 1 of the cube thingz abt Gramps is that he actually carez abt my music. Mom an' Dad almost never talk 2 me abt my music, xcept 2 remind me not 2 B all ambitious abt it & try 2 do it as a career. Whatevs, U know? So, when we were there 4 his b-day last wk, Gramps asked me what the band's up 2, & I was all, "Not much, Grampa. W/out Becky, we're toast. There'z a girl called Eva who can sing, but she doesn't play keyboard." Gramps sed, "Then, add another musician 2 the group." I was, like, "::tsk:: Then we'd B 5--an' the name of our band is 4-Evah!" Gramps was, like, "Change the name of the band." And I sed, "We can't!" When he asked Y not, I sed, "We already paid 4 matching shirts!" He got that stunned, wide-eyed look peeps in my fam R alwayz getting @ the end of these, like, conversational units punctuated by sum lame-ish line. Hm, mayB Gramperz oughta have pted out that a band called 4-Evah doesn't hafta have 4 members. Cuz, like, it's just an alternate way of writing "forever" & doesn't need 2 B a ref 2 the # of ppl in the band, eh? I don't know Y I didn't think of that. Tho peeps can B so literal in my world, I know we'd alwayz B hearing "Shdn't yr band B called 5-Evah? Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!"
Becks, wow, I had no idea Pierce was such a rage-aholic. Is he on 'roidz? It's cube that Drew is so nice & polite. The under-the-pillow thing w/the slip of paper is what I heard, 2.
Apes
Becks, wow, I had no idea Pierce was such a rage-aholic. Is he on 'roidz? It's cube that Drew is so nice & polite. The under-the-pillow thing w/the slip of paper is what I heard, 2.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 9:43 AM
9 Comments:
At 12:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, @lunch 2day, eva wuz a kinda mad @u. i thot u mite wanna know y, so u cud do sumthin’ ‘bout it. she sed, “april’z band isn’t doin’ the march talent show she talked ‘bout back n february.” shannon sed, “y…not?” eva sed, “april sez w hafta have sum1 on keyboard & i can’t play keyboard.” i sed, “u got gerald on drums, duncan on bass, & april on lead, & u doin’ vocalz. y duz april think u hafta have sum1 on keyboard?” eva sed, “it’s this whole thing w/becky. becky usedta sing & play keyboard & april won’t let it go. it’s like she wants her band 2b just like it usedta b w/becky n it.” shannon sed, “wut…do…gerald…&…duncan…say?” eva sed, “they both want 2 start the band up, but they won’t do it w/o april. they just go along w/wutevah april sez. they r such wimps ‘round her.” i sed, “i play a little keyboard, if it will help. i’m not doin’ nething w/rebeccah theze dayz.” eva sed, “then it wud b 5 peeps & april sez it hazta b 4 peeps.” shannon sed, “i…nevah…thot…i…wud…say…this…‘bout…april, but…i…don’t…think…she…wants…a…band. i…think…she…wants…peeps…2…beg…her…2…let…them…have…a…band.” i sed, “omg. it’s just like w/april’z mom where peeps hadta beg her 2 retire frum the bookstore.” shannon sed, “freaky…she…iz…like…her…mom.”
eva sed, “there iz hope. april sed she had a convo w/her grandpa last week ‘bout the band & thingz mite change, but it iz takin’ 4-evah (no pun intended) 4 her 2 tell us wut happed.” i sed, “april iz rilly slow tellin’ stories.” shannon sed, “evn…i…talk…faster…than…april…wen…she…iz…telling…1…of…her…stories. sumtymez…i…get…up…&…leave…&…come…back…the…next…day…&…i…haven’t…missed…nething.” eva sed, “shannon. do u play keyboard?” shannon sed, “i…play…sum. hey! i…don’t…wanna…b…n…the…band. no!...i couldn’t…do that! no, no…no! i’m…different…enuff. don’t…put…me…up…on…a…stage!” eva sed, “ok. ok. take it ez. i wuz just askin’ if u play keyboard.” i sed, “soundz like big tyme stage frite.” shannon sed, “i’m…calmin’…down…now. calmin’…down. if…sum1…got…me…on…a…stage, it…wud…b…a…major…change…of…character…4…me.”
neway, we talked ‘bout u @lunch & it wuzn’t all nice, but we like u & wanna help u out. the idea of u actin’ like ur mom iz kinda scary & i know thass not wut u wanna do. lemme know if u need ne help.
At 1:07 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, i m NOT like my mom. NOT!
neway, u're givin' me sum ideaz. eva & jeremy, mayB u 2, dunc, ger & i cd jam 2gether on sunday & c how we sound, eh? y'know, if u want, & if ger & dunc want. it cd b cube.
apes
At 1:18 PM,
howard said…
April,
Sometimes you have make adjustments so you can do your art. It used to be I thought I would always be playing the heavily costumed ingénue roles in the Milborough Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera, but the fates conspired against me. But now I get to sing two shows of nothing but my favourite opera arias every night (except weekends) as long as I willing to compromise by removing my clothes and wearing some garish and revealing costumes. If I can expose my privates for my art, then you can certainly add a keyboardist and rename your group.
Becky was all up in arms about my comment on her manners last night. She had her nose in Emily Post all morning. It was enough to drive me to distraction. She said, “Howie. Did you know you are supposed to pass food to the right?” I said, “Yes, Becky. Elbows off the table, please.” She said, “Howie. Did you know that men are always supposed to walk on the steps below a woman so they can catch her in case she falls?” I said, “Yes, Becky. Napkin in your lap, please.” She said, “Howie. Did you know men are supposed to walk between a woman and the street?” I said, “Yes, Becky. Use your fork and knife and not your fingers, please.” She said, “Howie. Did you know that if you encounter a gay crossdressing man in a kitchen, you are supposed to pinch him?” I said, “No, Becky. I hadn’t heard that one…OUCH!” Those small hands of hers hurt.
Today’s full body massage and shampoo of Thora (Becky’s dad’s wife) was interesting. She said, “Howard. I have morning sickness. Turn off that eastern mood music you play during my massage. I am sick of it. I want good Icelandic music from now on.” I said, “If you want different music, just ask. You don’t have to say it is part of your morning sickness. That’s just silly.” Thora said, “You can’t include music in morning sickness?” I said, “No. The two are not related.” Thora said, “Well they should be. Put on the good Icelandic music.” I said, “Please tell me you mean the music of Jón Leifs, and not Bjork.” Thora said, “Bjork me.” It was horrible. I don’t know how you can have a relaxing massage with Bjork music. I am thankfully done with that and working at the salon now.
Howard K.
At 1:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
i cud jam sunday, but it wud hafta b b4 my blind d8. i know i have 1 on friday& if it goez well, then i won’t hafta have 1 on sunday. howevah, considerin’ how last week went, i will prolly have a blind d8 on sunday. just 2 let u know, nobody wunts u2b like u mom. no1. prolly not evn ur mom.
At 1:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your mishomis (grandfather) again. I see you are someone true to your word and you have chosen to honour your mishomis (grandfather) by telling yet another story of him and of his wisdom. You would make a good Ojibway. You are respecting our ways, even if you did not know you were. Honouring the old by listening to their wisdom is one of the main parts or our debweyendamowin (beliefs). You would be welcome in my parents’ house anytime. My mishomis (grandfather) would be very excited to meet a young woman who respected her elders. Your parents have done a good job raising you. Your sister says you are a fine young woman, even if you borrow her clothes without asking and wake her up in the middle of the night with some minor crisis. I look forward to meeting you some day.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:26 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, becks, i m soooooo pissed @ ger. so, 1st of all, he was, like, yr dad's d8. then, when yr dad sed all that awful crap abt how i m not suitable 4 ger, ger just sat there & LET HIM? didn't like, DEFEND ME? no, sat there batting his lashes & telling hildigunn storiez? wtf, ger? u've got a whole buncha 'splainin' 2 do!
apes
At 10:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, az near az i can tell frum ur sis & ur bro & ur mom, u have a family tradition of b-ing attracted 2 peeps who don’t defend themselves or othah peeps. think ‘bout it. when kortney sed she wuz gonna knock ur teeth n, who wuz it saved u? u hafta ask urself, if gigli wuz the type of guy who wud defend u, wud that b a turn-on or turn-off 4u? aftah all, the guy haz been tryin’ 2 get ur band back 2gethah 4 months, & if he wuz more aggressive, he wudn’t w8 4u 2 decide u wanna do it. wut wud u do if gigli sed, “no april, ur gonna b there @all my gamez & all the after game parties & all the othah jock parties. ur gonna wear ur hair down & look pretty 4 all my friendz 2c & i don’t wanna hear anothah word ‘bout it.” wut wud u do if gigli sed that? my guess iz kick him 2 the curb.
me personally, if i had been gigli, i woulda told rebeccah’s dad off. &then he wud prolly kill me w/an axe. but thass just me. mebbe gigli’s the smart 1. he gets 2 d8 u & haz a gr8 gf 4 ovah 3 yrs str8 & he duzn’t get killed w/an axe either. he iz 1 lucky sob.
At 10:57 PM,
howard said…
April,
You have got to something about your boyfriend’s drinking with Thorvald (Becky’s dad). I finished my late show at the Valhalla and Thorvald drags in Gerald and said to me, “Howard, please take Gisli home. I am too full of Brennevin to drive him.” Gerald’s head was lolling around and he was giggling. He said, “Howard. You are very pretty when you are half-naked. Would you like me to recite a Viking saga for you?” I said, “Thorvald. This is inexcusable. You must stop getting this boy drunk.” Thorvald said, “Howard. Gisli is no boy. He has met the qualifications for Viking manhood. I do not force him to drink Brennevin. He is old enough to make his own decisions.” I said, “None of that will matter if his parents find him drunk and press charges against you.” Thorvald said, “Let them try. They will taste the blade of Battle Troll.” I said, “I don’t think killing Gerald’s parents will endear him to you.” Thorvald, “You speak with the wisdom of Dagr Spaka. I will only wound them a little.” I poured enough coffee into Gerald to get him reasonably sober enough to take home. Then he vomited in my car 2 times on the way there. That sobered him up quite a bit. I am definitely going to be lifting weights tonight.
Howard K.
At 12:28 AM,
howard said…
Becky,
I have no intention of doing anything to get your father (and one of my many employers) put in jail. In fact, my discussion with him was entirely for the purpose of trying to help him realize the possible consequences of what he had been doing, so he could stay out of jail. Even though you do not consider Gerald's parents to be particularly intelligent, if Gerald gets sick from all this drinking, I don't think they will consider it all that manly. This whole conversation is making me tense. I need to lift some weights.
Howard K.
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