April's Real Blog

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Dental visit = outing

So Gramps sed, abt his recent dental visit @ Dad's clinic, that he usta not like going 2 the dentist, but now it's an outing. Cuz he & Iris also went 2 the restaurant in the bldg, where he'z v. confused abt the coffee & tea offerings, that include cocoamocha, frappalatte, cappucinabeana, chai tea, high tea, & why tea. I have a feeling my Dad mighta been a consultant on naming thoze drinks. I think he mite also have popped in & sed "hi" 2 Dee @ the pharmacy. Like, whatevs.

Well, I gotta go. Dunc's here & he'z rushing me.

Apes

Edit: K, I'm back. Sorry that was so rushed. Dunc was a lil freaked cuz he played our demo samplez of the goth stuff 2 Zandra an' she was all, "Not bad, but a little derivative." So he wanted us 2 work on the songz sum more. I think we made 'em a bit more original-sounding.

NEway, Ger, the reason I wasn't there 2 cheer U on in basketball was that no1 told me U guyz were doin' post-season gamez. What's w/that? R U doin' that w/the hockey team, 2? ::confused::

posted by April Patterson @ 9:31 AM  

12 Comments:

  • At 3:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April flower,

    Now that we have lost to the Pummelers, we have been eliminated from the post-season playoffs. I guess I forgot to update you on my game schedule. My bad.

    Friendliest Becky flower,

    Thorvald and I went to the park this morning to drink brennevin and play frisbee fetch with Freyfaxi, just as you said. After we had a few, this is what happened:

    Gerald: Soooo, man, Becky is sooooooo mad at you.
    Thorvald: By Freyr, I know it!
    G: She is soooooo ticked about you dlelaying her debut.
    T: (giggles) You're talking all drunk-like. Like. (giggles)
    G: (giggles) So are you!
    T: (sternly) Take that back or...taste the wrath...of...Battle Troll. (falls down on the grass)
    G: When did the park start spinning? (sits down next to T)
    T: That Becky-Thora...she is a willful, stubborn, headstrong girl.
    G: Yes. Is that why you're not letting her preform?
    T: It's not 'preform,' it's 'perfrorm.' (pause) Wait. No. I can't talk either.
    (G and T giggle.)
    T: Here, have another. (pours brennevin)
    G: Thanks.
    T: Now...uhh...where was I?
    G: The reason you won't let Becksy perform.
    T: You mean Bicky-Torah?
    G: Yeah. Her. (giggles)
    T: (giggles) I said "Bicky-Torah." (giggles)
    G: (giggles)
    T: (lays down in grass, giggling)
    G: (giggles until falls over)

    Becky, I am sorry, but the brennevin giggles overwhelmed us both. I rode Freyfaxi home, but I think your dad is still sleeping in the park.

    I will try again soon. Next time, I will try to drink less to keep a clear head.

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

     

  • At 6:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your grandfather’s visit to the dentist and the restaurant. Those food names are confusing. The menus in Otter County are simpler. We have Banaha Bread, Indian Fry Bread, Three Sisters Story Soup, Wild Grape Dumplings, Venison Swiss Steak, Moosemeat & Wild Rice, Baloney & Bannock, Pashota, Planked Loon, Venison Mincemeat, to name a few. As you can see, it is easier to understand than Chai Tea, High Tea, and Why Tea. Your sister tried to explain to me that Why Tea is what you get when one of your underage students asks for beer and gets tea. I think it was supposed to be funny, but I am not used to how things are done in the Big Smoke.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 6:44 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Breakfast for Becky did not go well. Becky didn’t speak to me the whole time. However, lunch went much better. She didn’t seem as mad at me, particularly after Gerald failed to get the same information I failed to get last night about why her dad is not letting her sing at his supper club, the Valhalla. I don’t know if you have any influence over your boyfriend, but you might want to remind him that it is illegal for underage kids to drink.

    I am at the Valhalla now, getting ready for my 2 performances. I grilled Orque and Basher mercilessly about Thorvald holding back Becky, but they didn’t know anything. Whatever reason it is, Thorvald is not trusting anyone with the answer. I suspect he may have been playing drunk with Gerald, in order to avoid having to answer Gerald’s questions. On a side note, I did also ask Orque and Basher why people would think I was unavailable for dating, which is another concern. They both stared at me and said, “Everyone knows you’re not available.” I said, “And because of my seeing whom, am I not available?” They said, “If you don’t know, we don’t.” It is very frustrating.

    There was an interesting thing that happened a few days ago at Sugar’s salon, which I failed to mention. Who should happen to pop into the salon but Jennifer, your dad’s dental assistant and fiancée of your dad’s dental associate, Dr. Everett Callahan? Neither Marjee nor I was happy to see her, since, as you may remember, Dr. Everett Callahan threw both of us over to become engaged to Jennifer. You may also remember, Marjee shaved her bald the last time she was in the salon. Well, Jennifer’s hair has grown back a little, but not quite as long as it was before, when she used to have a ponytail style, not unlike yours. I said, “What are you doing here?” She had a frantic look on her face and she said, “Howard. Do you remember a person named Everett Callahan?” I said, “Of course. You stole him from me.” Jennifer did something I had not expected and she burst into tears. I said, “What’s the matter?” She said, “He disappeared. You’re the first person to remember he existed.” She was really bawling her eyes out and you know, even if you don’t like someone very much, it is difficult to take any kind of pleasure when they are really hurting. So, I gave her a hug.

    Marjee Mahaha was at my elbow and said, “Why are you giving this little {bad word} a hug?” I said, “She says Everett disappeared.” Marjee said, “What? Everett disappeared? She probably means he came to his senses and dropped her sorry {bad word}.” Jennifer said, “You remember Everett too?” Marjee said, “What kind of question is that? Of course I remember Everett. He proposed to me first you know.” Jennifer cried and cried and cried and eventually she calmed down and explained what had happened. Around the beginning of March, Everett had been playing around with an on-line community called the Corbeilverse after work, when these dark clouds developed outside and there was thunder and lightning, and as Jennifer puts it, a deep voice said, “Everett. Elliot. Fug it. I can’t keep these things straight. Let’s just scratch this MF.” Then Everett disappeared. Jennifer said his name isn’t on the door outside Dr. Patterson’s office anymore and it’s not on the Directory of names in the office building where Dr. Patterson has his practice anymore. Jennifer said that even her engagement ring disappeared and she can’t find anyone who remembers Everett or anything about him until today.

    Marjee said, “That is weird.” I said, “It makes sense the 3 of us would remember him, since we were all physically intimate with him.” Well, Marjee and I felt sorry for Jennifer, but we didn’t know what else to do. I said, “I’ll give you a shamp-Oh for free” and Marjee said, “I think a new hairstyle is just what the doctor ordered, I mean just what you need.” Jennifer left Sugar’s salon looking and feeling much better. I don’t know what to think about Dr. Everett Callahan. Do you remember him, April? If he was messing around with Corbeil, he could easily be a dog right now. I should know. I have been keeping my eyes open for anything out of the ordinary every since, just in case. Maybe something will turn up by next month. I have noticed things usually happen around the beginning of the month, in Milborough.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 7:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, u won’t freakin’ b-lieve who my blind d8 iz 2nite. shannon lake. we r gonna have dinner w/shannon, her mom& her bro & her dad. it soundz kinda strange, but shannon may b the rite girl 4 me. she’z not gonna b rilly picky if i don’t say the rite thing @the rite tyme, so my major problem w/keepin’ a gf iz solved. wutya think?

    there iz sumthin’ i needta tell u az a friend, evn tho ur prolly not gonna like it. i am not d8ing rebeccah nemore & so it’s none of my biz & i know u & rebeccah r so girly that if u evah went 2 a basketball game it wud b an “outing.” howevah, u shud know the city championships 4 high skool basketball were back @the end of february. ur bf & drew fontaine r up 2 sumthin’. there wuz no basketball game against the r.e. leigh schmirtz pummelers. the r.p. boire basketball team wuz 2 bad 2 make the regionalz or the city championship. i know cuz i wuz helpin’ eva cover basketball 4 the yrbook. i didn’t wanna tell u that, but i thot u shud know. i think drew iz playin’ rebeccah, & i think he got gigli 2 help him.

     

  • At 7:11 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    You don't remember Everett Callahan? That is weird. You had a big lunch with him and Marjee one time. I am surprised you don't remember him.

    By the by, I am going to sneak into your dad's office in between shows to see if I can find out anything about why he is not putting you in his supper club. The direct route failed, so I am going to try the sneaky route. Any suggestions of what I should look for?

    Howard K.

     

  • At 7:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, i've tried the whole reminding ger abt underage alc. drinking b-ing illegal. but he so idolizes becky's dad, so he's all, "my bff thorvald tellz me that by viking law, i am a man and therefore entitled 2 embibe the traditional icelandic manly drinks." then he won't listen abt having 2 follow, like, canadian lawz.

    everett callahan? did my dad have an associate? everett, everett. it feelz like there'z a part of my brain that wants 2 know that name, but it's blocked. & there'z sumthing v. weirdly familiar abt this feeling, but i can't place it.

    ger, what's going on w/this basketball stuff?

    apes

     

  • At 7:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Howard, I think I might have spotted this Everett guy. He was standing outside of that medical-arts building where April's dad works, and he was yelling, "I'm a dentist! I work here! Can't anyone hear me?!?" I assumed he was some crazy guy who'd forgotten his medication, but I'm thinking he could have been erased like I was! OMG, I feel awful I didn't talk to him or help him!

    Eva

     

  • At 9:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, we went 2 dinner w/shannon lake, her mom & dad & bro. mr. lake sed 2 my mom, “mrs. jones. i’m beschermend and this iz my wife, philandrea, my son, blair & my daughter shannon.” my mom sed, “xxtend ur hand 2 the lakes, jeremy.” i xxtended my hand az my mom sed, “this iz my son, jeremy.” there wuz a gasp frum all the lakes xxcept shannon. shannon’z dad sed, “mrs. jonez, ur either much oldah than u look, or…” my mom sed, “i know. i know. jeremy looks 40. he’z rilly 14. it’s sumthin’ strange ‘bout mboro& heterosexual boyz.”

    we ordered dinner & shannon’z mom sed, “we were nervous ‘bout tryin’ matchmakin’ 2 find a bf 4 shannon, but shannon wuz rather nsistant ‘bout it.” shannon’z bro sed, “my little sis wunts a bf & no1 asks her out. she hazta beg justa get peeps 2 e-mail her. then she won’t stop talkin’ ‘bout how april patterson sent her an e-mail. i try 2 protect her frum doin’ mbarrassin’ stuff like that.” shannon’z mom sed, “blair. please don’t mbarrass shannon n fronta the jones.” blair sed, “sorry mom.” shannon’z dad sed, “so duz jeremy have problemz gettin’ a gf?”

    my mom sed, “jeremy’s problem iz not getting a gf. hiz problem iz he haz terrible taste in girlz. he seemz 2 like pop starz, or st8es girlz or cannibalz.” i sed, “tangi wuz not a cannibal. she wuz anorexic.” my mom sed, “don’t talk back, jeremy. you’ll make a bad mpression on the lakes.” blair sed, “don’t worry ‘bout makin’ a bad mpression. shannon haz that problem all reddy. she haz this computer program named justin…” shannon’z mom sed, “blair. quiet! pleaze don’t mbarrass shannon n fronta the jones.” blair sed, “sorry, mom. sorry, shannon.”

    shannon sed, “i…like…jeremy…more…than…justin.” shannon’z mom & dad & bro sed, “wut?” shannon sed, “i…like…jeremy…more…than…justin. he’z…real. he…nvites…me…2…lunch. he…evn…lets…me…kiss…him…&…he…duzn’t…fite…much.” shannon’z mom & dad & bro sed, “wut?” my mom sed, “jeremy. have u been takin’ advantage of a special needs girl?” shannon’z dad sed, “u. u. monster. my darling, baby shannon can barely talk & u have been kissin’ her?” shannon’z mom sed, “she’z just a little girl. she can barely walk ‘round a card shop w/o gettin’ lost. how cud u do such a thing 2 my innocent child?” shannon’z bro sed, “wen ur not lookin’ jeremy, i’ll b there 2 take care of u.” i sed, “but…but…but…”

    my mom sed, “jeremy. evn ur father wudn’t take advantage of a special needs girl. how cud u?” shannon’z dad sed, “but…but…but… now ur makin’ fun of the way my little girl talks. ur a vile & despicable creature.” shannon’z mom sed, “i thot shannon wud b safe n skool. now i know she iz just anothah victim of the cruel mboro educational system.” shannon’z bro sed, “ur dead, jeremy. dead.” i sed, “but…but…but…”

    shannon picked up a pl8 & threw it 2 the floor. it wuz plastic so it didn’t break, but it wuz noisy neway. she sed, “I…AM…16…YEARS…OLD…&…I…CAN…KISS…A…BOY…IF…I…WANNA…KISS…A…BOY. I…AM…NOT…A…BABY. STOP…TREATING…ME…LIKE…A…BABY.” my mom sed, “oh shannon. i am so sorry jeremy iz makin’ u have an outburst, like this. don’t worry, he will b punished.” shannon’z dad sed, “shannon. baby. don’t b upset. mommy & daddy will protect u frum this monster.” shannon’z mom sed, “thass rite shannon. i can have jeremy put away so he will nevah harm u again.” shannon’z bro sed, “don’t worry shannon. he will die a slow & torturous death. nothing iz 2 good 4u.” i sed, “but…but…but…”

    shannon picked up anothah pl8 & threw it 2 the floor. she sed, “UR…NOT…LISTENIN’…2…ME. JEREMY…NVITES…ME…2…LUNCH. NO1…NVITES…ME…2…LUNCH. NOT…EVN…THE…OTHAH…SPECIAL…NEEDZ…KIDZ. IF…U…DARE…DO…NETHING…2…HURT…JEREMY, U…WILL…REGRET…IT.” shannon looked rilly scary wen she sed that. it scared me neway. my mom sed, “wtf?” shannonz dad, mom & bro sed, “sorry shannon. we were just tryin’ 2 help.” i sed, “but…but…but…”

    shannon sed, “jeremy. ur…rilly…nice, but…my…‘rents…&…bro…r…obviously…not…reddy…4…me…2…d8…yet. they…don’t…unnerstand…i…am…16…yrs…old…&…i…have…needz.” my mom sed, “wtf?” shannonz dad, mom & bro put their handz 2 their earz & sed, “la la la la la. we’re not lissenin’. la la la la la.” i sed, “but…but…but…”

    shannon sed, “but…wut, jeremy?” i sed, “but i thot u wud be a gr8 gf. u wudn’t get mad @me 4 sayin’ the wrong thing @the wrong tymez. not only that, but u have rilly pretty hair.” shannon sed, “thanx. jeremy. i…brush…it…50…tymez…a…day, so…it…is…alwayz…shiny.” then shannon’z ‘rent & bro started gettin’ rilly loud w/that “la la la” stuff. shannon sed, “ur…sweet. i…am…gonna…hafta…work…on…my…famly. this…‘la…la…la’…stuff…iz…annoyin’. it’s…like…lissenin’…2…ashlee…simpson.” then she grabbed the back of my head & stuck her tongue down my throat. shannon’z mom fainted & shannon’z dad & bro were ovah her fannin’ her. he sed, “philandrea, honey. shannon didn’t mean it. it’s all a dream. i think the northern lights came n2 the restaurant & caused u2c thingz that weren’t real. have i told u shannon haz an evil twin?”

    my mom sed, “jeremy. i think u have caused enuff trubble. it’s tyme 4 us 2 leave.” shannon sed, “mrs. …jones. i…want…u2…know…ur…son…iz…rilly…nice. u…have…done…a…good…job…w/him.” my mom sed, “thanx.” shannon sed, “i’ll…cu…@lunch…2morrow, jeremy. ur…a…good…kisser.” shannon’z mom fainted again.

    we got n the car & i sed, “uc, mom. shannon thinks ur a good mom.” my mom sed, “jeremy. i dunno wut 2 think ‘bout u. u have obviously fooled that girl n2 thinkin’ ur nice. there’z a line u don’t cross wen ur takin’ advantage of girlz & u crossed it.” i sed, “if u were lookin’ u woulda noticed shannon kissed me.” my mom sed, “that wuz deeply disturbin’. the girl iz obviously lost all touch w/reality.” i sed, “shannon iz nice. she wud b a good gf 4 me.”

    my mom sed, “jeremy. do u rilly have this low self-esteem?” i sed, “wutya talkin’ ‘bout self-esteem?” my mom sed, “jeremy. the girlz u like just scream, ‘i am worthless & this iz the only kinda girl i deserve.” i sed, “shannon iz rilly nice mom.” my mom sed, “she’z quite pretty n her way, but thass not the point. u have d8ed a girl who refuzed 2 call u her bf, a girl frum the st8s who cud barely speak english, a cannibal & now u wanna d8 a special needz girl. don’t u want ne1 bettah? sum1 2 compliment u, make u complete, ur soulm8, sum1 who makes ur heart sing, a ying 2 ur yang, sum1 who adds 2u nstead of subtracts frum u?” i sed, “are u talkin’ ‘bout that hunk of skin tangi bit offa my arm? it’s grown back u know.” my mom sed, “no. gross. jeremy. u still have scarz frum that.” i sed, “sorry mom. i dunno ‘bout all that soulm8 stuff. i just want sum1 2 do thingz w/& have fun w/ & especially sum1 i don’t hafta worry i am gonna say sumthin’ wrong all the tyme w/.” my mom sed, “jeremy. jeremy. jeremy. i can c i am just n tyme 2help u. ur so ignorant wen it comez 2 girlz & romance. i am gonna hafta do a bettah job w/my matchmakin’. next weekend, we will find u a gf. i promise.” i sed, “oh goody. i can hardly w8.” my mom sed, “thass the spirit. there’z a girl out there 4 u.”

    that wuz my evenin’ w/shannon. it wuzn’t 2 bad. i coulda been worse. mebbe.

     

  • At 9:46 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I was sneaking around Thorvald’s office to find out why Thorvald would not let Becky sing and I found something far, far worse. I suddenly know why it is that people have been saying I am attached to someone. I suddenly know why it was that Thorvald insisted I had to give him a photo ID and my current passport in order to sign my performance contract with the Valhalla. I suddenly know why Thorvald insisted my contract was a standard contract and I did not need to read it, even though it did not look like a standard contract. Well, I have read it now. It was lying out in Thorvald’s office. I am in shock. I’m feeling dizzy. I feel faint. I have to go lie down now.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 10:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, howard, what did it say?

    apes

    p.s. sorry the d8 didn't go so well, jeremy.

     

  • At 11:41 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April, Becky,

    I can’t discuss what I found with you. My lawyer said I should not discuss it with anyone until she figures out what can be done. I am so upset. I have to lie down again.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 2:33 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Oh, all right. You really know which of my buttons to push. I can't stand it when my bud is suffering.

    I'll tell you, but don't let my lawyer know I told you. Your devious father tricked me into signing a marriage licence to be married to Thora. When I talked to him about it, he said Thora was getting hysterical about not being legally married (not Viking married) when the baby was born. So, your dad got the insane idea I would be a good candidate for the job. Too much Brennevin, if you ask me. It destroys brain cells. In any case, my lawyer is a very sharp woman, quite familiar with the law, and says that the document can easily be invalidated. I like her a lot better than my old lawyer because (a) she is smarter than my old lawyer and (b) she has gone on a diet recently and is willing to waive some of her legal fees in exchange for my cooking her diet food and (c) she bathes more often than my old lawyer.

    This is the part you need to be really quiet about with your dad. I think I can use the incident as leverage to get you headlining at the Valhalla over the weekends like you were supposed to do in the first place. Do not say a word to your dad, eh?

    Howard K.

     

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